A few days ago Goddess was shopping. Afterwards She told me that She had purchased a new bra which She felt would appropriately display Her now even more voluptuous breasts (see my recent journal entry about the effect of Her nursing on Her breasts). Then she told me " the whole time i was buying the bra i imagined you taking it off of me for him." For HIM! As i imagined removing Her bra so that he could fondle and caress Her breasts......as i watched helplessly........ i was flooded with feelings of angst and jealousy. Despite my best efforts to appear unaffected i could not resist making a comment to Goddess which revealed my insecurity. She expressed her annoyance but i suspect She was delighted. 

After She abruptly ended our conversation i cursed myself. i was embarrassed and angry at myself for my total lack of control of my emotions that made me appear weak and insecure. I have spent months working to be only positive and supportive of Her desires......and i felt humiliated that my previous efforts at self control of my jealousies were seemingly to no avail. What happened next was even more humiliating. In the midst of all of my angst and jealousy i felt my pee pee ( i may not describe it by any adult term since mine is so small) growing in my cage! Growing until it filed the cage.....growing until it was straining against the bars.... dripping........ What i conclude from these events is the following: 

(a) i am embarrassed and humiliated by my inadequacy to be able to sexually satisfy my Goddess and as a result i suffer feelings of angst and insecurity about Goddess and a lover which are overwhelming, and uncontrollable by me; 

(b) Despite my best efforts Goddess is able at will to torture me with these feelings, from which She derives amusement and erotic pleasure at my emotional suffering; 

(c) As much as i suffer jealousy and insecurity i am inexplicably aroused, my feelings of arousal are also overwhelming and also uncontrollable by me; 

(d) the more i am tortured and humiliated by my feelings of jealousy and insecurity the more i am aroused; and 

(e) i am embarrassed and humiliated by how i could be aroused by the prospect of my One finding sexual satisfaction in the arms of another. 

 For me the road ahead has many emotional pitfalls, the effects of which are as yet unknown. i am not really sure if i will survive them all. i am not really sure if We will survive them all. But i am comforted in the knowledge that Goddess will soon have what She has long desired and what She has even longer deserved, and that i was fortunate enough to be chosen by Her to serve Her on the road to that destination.

Just before last Christmas Goddess surprised me with what would be my most special and cherished Christmas present -- a worn  pair of her panties! A few weeks later - HAPPY NEW YEAR -- a second pair! Goddess told me that She no longer had any use for these particular panties and that they were no longer worthy of Her, so that made them PERFECT for me. With pride and honor i wear one or the other EACH and EVERY day (and yes i do a LOT of washing). 

For me wearing Her used and discarded panties is meaningful on so many levels. Most important, i cannot move without feeling Her next to me. On a darker and more erotic level, i am mindful that Goddess has chosen to give me her worn and discarded panties to wear next to my chastised cock. Clearly She sees both (her worn panties and my chastised cock) as useless to Her, and the symbolism of me wearing Her discarded panties is not lost on me as i continue to evolve into Her chastised and cuckold submissive. There is also a cruel irony in all of this. 

The panties i now wear have many times been soaked in Her pussy juices. i will be tortured every day by the thought of her pussy soaked panties so close to my cock -- and yet so hopelessly and forever far away.  

As if it were not momentous enough that, within the past year, i have been pierced and placed in permanent chastity, we also began an ANR (Adult Nursing Relationship). i am not sure how we arrived at this decision. Obviously it was HER decision (aren't they all!) 

4/29/2010 6:38:53 PM: Although She is strict, my Goddess can often be quite playful as well. Last week She wanted Her car washed. Naturally i offered (and begged) to do it for Her. After some thought, and with a bit of a devilish twinkle in Her eyes, She agreed. She drove us to a nearby 'do it yourself' car wash. i feverishly began the task of washing Her car under Her watchful eye. As i finished washing, Goddess told me that She also wanted Her car hand dried. Unfortunately, in my excitement to do this service for Her, i had neglected to bring any cloths with which to dry her car. i fully expected that my thoughtlessness would infuriate Her. To my shock it did not. Instead, in a matter of fact tone, She told me that i would use my underwear to dry Her car. Nervously i undressed (fortunately no other patrons were there at that moment), took off my undershirt and shorts, quickly put back on my shirt and pants, and diligently dried Her car from front to back. As i finished, i started to throw the wet, dirty underwear into the back seat. Goddess looked at me and shook Her head. Then, smiling broadly, She told me to put my wet, dirty, disgusting underwear back on!! Needless to say, the ride home and the rest of the evening—with Goddess barely able to contain her amusement — was humiliating for me, although it was clear that my discomfort was great fun for Her. Oh how i love my Goddess and all the tortures to which She subjects me!

4/26/2010 11:22:28 AM: It has now been six weeks since i traveled with my beautiful Lady to California to receive my Prince Albert piercing. i admit that it has been hard for me to get to the point of writing this entry. The whole experience was powerful -- and literally life changing. There is, of course, the 'nuts and bolts' of the procedure, which is what i think interests most of you. So let me offer a bit about that before i talk about how my PA has changed me forever. In the weeks leading to 'the event' i vacillated between periods of great fear and, well, greater fear!! i mean, come on, this is my manhood we are talking about, and small as it is, it is still all i have. i read a great deal online about the procedure, most of which did little if anything to allay my concerns. Looking back i will say that the best thing i did was to find a GREAT piercing establishment (SOMATIC) and a GREAT piercer (Jill). i would never go anywhere else. Did it hurt? Yes! However, although i would like to impress you with how much i suffered, the truth is that the pain was intense but very brief. Jill told me to take a deep breath and exhale, and before i was finished she was done. Clearly the anticipation of the pain was much worse than the pain itself. How has my recovery been? Speedy and uneventful. i would say that i was healed at 4 weeks....thanks in no small measure to some very good aftercare instructions from Jill. For the moment Lady still spares me the cock torture She enjoys so much as we want to be absolutely sure i am healed. How am i changed? As you know from reading the journal entry of my beloved Goddess, i must now (and forever more) sit to pee. At first it was very odd but now it seems as natural as if i had been doing it all my life. The jewelry i wear (a surgical steel rod to which a surgical steel ball is attached at each end) has now become so much a part of me that i do not consciously think of it......subconsciously i always know it is there....but again, it is like it has always been there. i do find that when i need to pee the urge is stronger and quickly becomes uncontrollable. i also find that when i am aroused my precum is even more profuse than before, which is amazing since i have always been a very drippy boy. i have no explanation for these things, except that perhaps the jewelry stimulates my urethra that creates heightened sensations. How am i REALLY changed? i am more bonded to my exceptional Lady than ever before. i feel more submissive to Her than in all the 10 years i have served Her. Since the moment my jewelry was first in place, since the first time i sat to pee, i have felt HER as THE Supreme Being in my life with a power that was heretofore unknown to me. i am like a giddy schoolboy experiencing his first crush. If You have ever had the great good fortune to have Your Domme take Your cock and balls in Her hand and massage them erotically and then squeeze them HARD as a reminder of whose cock and balls they are, then imagine having that mental feeling of erotic control all the time - and i do mean ALL THE TIME! The effect upon me of Her powerful presence through my PA grows and deepens with each passing day. Although this might frighten most, i feel peace. If i was not sure of it before, i am sure after this experience that SHE is my ONE. With Her gift to me of my PA She has more than ever made me Hers -- forever.