The Collarme Dictionary (...just for laughs!)

Here are some translations of FEMALE profiles:

Phrase) I'm not looking to hook up.  I recently got in touch with my wild side, and want to explore a little.

Translation) My boyfriend accidentally pulled my hair during sex last night, which makes me the kinkest girl in my sorority.  I'm on this site because someone used the term "blowjob" and I'm trying to find out what it means.

Phrase) I'm sassy.

Translation) I'm loud... and fat... and probably stupid.

Phrase) I'm a little quirky.

Translation) I'm a bat-shit psychopath who's going to kill you when you sleep.

Phrase) I'm strong-willed and feisty. You're going to have to work to dominate me.

Translation) I'm annoying as fuck and I'm not into BDSM!  No normal man will come near me, so now I have to take it in the ass and get peed on if I don't want to die alone.

...and to be fair, here are some from the MALE profiles:

Phrase) I have a huge cock.

Translation) Sometimes I have to fish around in my trousers for a while to find my 3 inch dick and finally pee.

Phrase) I am a Dom.

Translation) I am a fat loser and this is my only chance to get laid... penis pic attached.

Phrase) I have 12 years of experience as a Dom.

Translation) I started wack'n off to BDSM porn over a decade ago.

Happy Hunting!!!

The Rules of Collarme:

1) In profile pics where there is more than one person, the one who owns the profile is NOT the pretty one.

2) 90% of "Doms" have mastered a winning communication strategy.  Yep, no girl can resist a picture of a penis attached to an email that says, "Suck it bitch!"

I have a new strategy for all the 'dick pic Doms.'  Focus your efforts on the "woman" who looks like a super-model and has an unusually high quality (and only one) photograph. The only reason she can't send you more photos is because she needs money for a camera.  You should send her that money.  As her profile clearly states, she is looking at man who to cook and clean slave laundry real love forever.  You two will make a great couple!  And, it will free up some inbox space for people who know words.

3) Ladies, writing "READ MY PROFILE FIRST" won't help you.  The ones you're hoping to attract were already going to read it, and the ones you're trying to avoid can't read.

4) Gentlemen, some of the ladies have figured out how to photoshop -- almost to the point of fraud.  But don't worry, you'll never find each other on your first date.  While you're at the bar waiting for Pam Anderson, she'll be walking around looking for someone who matches that 20 year old photo you sent her... from back when you had hair.  =)

I am also open to a 1950's relationship.  Donna Reed, you out there?