Well just made it back the TX, from NOLA. Lived down on Bourbon St. and no offense but that place is dirty. Just all around dirty; plus i don't think the town liked me at all. (everyone said i was too nice and they would fix me, but everyone in Tx thinks that i was a bitch before so WTF?)

Just returning from a long mental test of sanity, and passed it; not unscathed but alive non the less.

Not really on here looking anymore, well not actively looking for my master but still i am out here.

Trying to find out the real me, the one that must stand alone, and never fall to a knee. ( I know it is above my wanted station, but i will not let the wolves have me just because none other has laid claim, yet.

I just know that this was the one thing that still stands in my life and as so it has been the corner pillar in my foundation for a new start.

I am starting new!!! Some how I got wrapped up with all the BS in the world and lost the person I was and want to be. Thankfully, about a week ago life hit me with a virtual brick wall and woke my numb self up with some painful truth.

Well now I am better and working on only getting better. I have stripped away the shit that I was doing because of dullness and lose of self and have returned to the basics.  

I want:

Love above all

to submit/serve

to write

to never wonder 'what if'

There have been so many dreams and thoughts of fantasy and wants, that I know believe them to be just that; fantasies. I have forever wanted that but i think it is funny that i have never imaged it for myself but in a story or for a friend.

I know that what I want is dead and chivalry is never to return but i don't want all that i just want someone that will love me in the hard times.

I want Someone who will...

  Love me in the hard times.

  Hold me when all I can do is cry.

  Understand that my stubbornness is not a fault but a quality.

  That a woman raised by men is unusual to say the least.

  Horrible is not horrible but favorable in my perverted world.

Knows I never want to become my mother........

Wow...I Just really liked this....

by ~captive-serenity



From mountains covered in a whimsical dusting,
Across rapids which thundered louder than the heart,
Where a voice gets lost within the depth of a canyon,
I searched for a missing part.

My eyes have seen beyond their years,
Words of wisdom have flown off my tongue,
A child-like joy has remained in my actions,
As I traveled to discover the one:

Excuse me, sir. Have you seen this man?
He's about this tall, with eyes that shine
with some secretive joy unknown to all,
and I hope to someday claim it as mine.

He captures the sun with his smile,
Even the stars seem to glisten with a closer look,
admiring this dreaming gem of the earth,
a character who seemingly leaped from a book.

I bet he writes poetry in the dimness of his room.
Scribbles little notes to a lover—perhaps to me too?
Maybe he's searching for me, just as I search for him.
Have you seen him kind sir? Have you?

A man with a longing in his heart,
Like he carries a burden, but continues to stand tall.
A twitch of his lips states he wants to smile,
The movement of his legs says he's ready to fall.

I need to catch up with him, dear man.
I have to find him somehow.
For my heart is slowly growing weaker
each day I do not have him around.

Well, if you happen to see him,
Would you please let me know?
Could you send him in my direction,
Before it is my time to go...

That's strange.
You sort of remind me of someone.
Are you sure we haven't met?
I could have sworn...

OMG THAT WAS A JOURNAL NOT A MESSAGE!!!!!

Damn i miss you. I really wanted to talk to you tonight. I have been saving many of the voice mails that you have left me. especially the ones that i really like. God i do miss you, and i hate that.  Sometimes it really bothers me that you are under my skin soo bad and other times i don't care, i just am happy for it.

I really want to talk you again and it has been soo long since you have whispered in my ear. I really have to say that i love your messages all of them. Even the short ones. I have cried twice listening to you, and i don't know why other than the joy of hearing you say that you love me and miss me.

I can't even begin to tell you how much your voice, calms and soothes me. How I wine and cry when you call in the middle of my shift and i can never call you back....that is was really kills me....

That I am not able to tell you and speak to you about how i feel. I know that i can type to you and you will get it but i want to talk damnit!

I guess I will just soldier on...

Missing you every second,

April

PS* The reason my phone went to VM is cause it was dead...I haven't been bad, I couldn't.... I miss you too much

These are the nights that i really miss you.... when you are gone and i am alone. The nights when strangers seem more friendly and i cannot touch nor hear you...

i really need you and i really want you. i know that what i feel it not what i expect nor what i thought but please don't leave, cheat or destroy me... I know that you will though

I spent the weekend with my friend and learned that what i want is not so great, hell it might even be easy. but i know that i do want you. i want you.

I was contacted by another Dom that i talked to a while back today and was within the same apartment complex and couldn't see him.

I couldn't.....even with no pics with no calls on my days off, i couldn't..... i hope you are happy, for if you ever break my heart ( which now is yours, without my consent or knowledge) i will make sure that the world regret it.

Going to bed again alone.

It is the nights like these that I really miss Him. That I really need to hear and talk to Him....

PS...

Have felt like crap lately....... thought i posted to other depressiong journals but i must have thought better and not.....hmmm........

I really want to feel better..... I like being happy....

Why so silent.....i worry that some times this is one sided.....i don't know maybe i am too needy for You.

it always happens this way, can't have what i want, or get what i need.....

Oh well just another hurdle and not the last....

Smile is the least i would do for You Daddy. i am really glad that You are going to make some time for me, Daddy. i really can be an attention whore, Daddy, and really have missed You.

i thought there for a moment that You really didn't want me, and that You were just playing like so many others. However Your journal post gave me hope, and i clung to that as much as i could. Even when You were locked up, and my family just said that was a lie and You just didn't want to talk to me, i read Your post over and over again. Hoping that they were wrong and that You did want me.

The past couple of days though have giving me time to think, and seriously too.  While i know what my profile says, that i don't want a Master and just want to play. i believe i might have been mistaken, given the option now, i would choose a Master over just being a slutty fuck toy.

While i still want to learn and grow i want it to be for something, or someone. i think i might just be ready to give myself heart, body, and soul to another. While i know that doing this in reality will be much harder for me, i do find comfort that i am finally ok with the leap.

i just hope that should You have me, i will be the best sub for You ever, and never hope to anger, disappoint, or let You down. i just hope that maybe You are what i have been missing and looking for, even though until a couple days ago i didn't know i was lost...

**Message to Daddy**

Normally i don't post messages but this one just seemed really profound and it is funny how you can go to type just a simple message and end up realizing something.

Being handed everything you ask for in an pretty basket, which is still empty can do that. It is better to work for it and be surprised at how bountiful your labor can be.

Daddy, You might not realized this as i just did myself, but i think Your baby girl is growing up a little and learning a lesson, not sure what it is but i shall find out...that half the fun anyway, isn't it?

Smile is the least i would do for You Daddy. i am really glad that You are going to make some time for me, Daddy. i really can be an attention whore, Daddy, and really have missed You.

i thought there for a moment that You really didn't want me, and that You were just playing like so many others. However Your journal post gave me hope, and i clung to that as much as i could. Even when You were locked up, and my family just said that was a lie and You just didn't want to talk to me, i read Your post over and over again. Hoping that they were wrong and that You did want me.

The past couple of days though have giving me time to think, and seriously too.  While i know what my profile says, that i don't want a Master and just want to play. i believe i might have been mistaken, given the option now, i would choose a Master over just being a slutty fuck toy.

While i still want to learn and grow i want it to be for something, or someone. i think i might just be ready to give myself heart, body, and soul to another. While i know that doing this in reality will be much harder for me, i do find comfort that i am finally ok with the leap.

i just hope that should You have me, i will be the best sub for You ever, and never hope to anger, disappoint, or let You down. i just hope that maybe You are what i have been missing and looking for, even though until a couple days ago i didn't know i was lost...

**Message to Daddy**

Normally i don't post messages but this one just seemed really profound and it is funny how you can go to type just a simple message and end up realizing something.

Being handed everything you ask for in an pretty basket, which is still empty can do that. It is better to work for it and be surprised at how bountiful your labor can be.

Daddy, You might not realized this as i just did myself, but i think Your baby girl is growing up a little and learning a lesson, not sure what it is but i shall find out...that half the fun anyway, isn't it?

Hanging up the phone last night, Your command still in my ear. Sweet Daddy; letting His little slut finally cumm. i grabbed my clit vibrator and spread my legs wide, holding His pussy lips open, and letting the humid air escape from under my covers as i kick them to the floor. Moist, sticky and delicious juices flowed from His pussy, knowing that finally release is close, but not yet. With an evil grin i trap the vibrator with my legs holding it in place, as i pull out my nipple clamps; the pain a welcomed and missed friend. The clover clamps are tight and cause immediate pain, and more juices  start to flow from His wanton pussy. Holding the chain with my teeth, the pull is the final straw. Once again my legs are spread wide and should someone walk in, all it there for viewing, however no one did. Vibrator still going in one hand, the other opens His pussy lips, and my head shaking 'no' so to pull on each nipple and then release as i pull on the other, repeatedly. 

It feels so good to once again touch His pussy, still knowing what it was like when it was mine and freedom to play came free; it is much better and wetter now that it is His. Allowed to play, and cumm, oh thank you Daddy. Now if only you would walk through my door, and with that thought climax is reached. Never have i cummed so long as well as soaking my sheets in juices, as a waterfall of backed up cumm came rushing out. Now usually i will take the clamps off right after as the pain is only there to get me off, however last night i left them there. While it was only for a couple minutes afterwards it made the biggest difference. Having to lay there with cumm dripping out His pussy, and pain in my nipples was amazing. i made myself lay there until the pain was dulled and then laughed as i smacked each nipple hard, making the pain return.

Legs shaking, and thighs covered in cumm, i couldn't just cumm once. Not after Daddy had been so nice as to let me have the night to play and cumm as much as His slut could handle. So once again i started at the bottom of the mountain, hoping to reach the climax again. Grabbing my phone i put on one of the videos stored there,  the one with the slave girl being tortured by the dinner party works. Once again the chain is in my mouth, pulling and tightening on my already sore nipples. i want to fuck myself with my dildo, while calling myself any name i can think of from cummbucket to cock whore. However with one push inside His pussy, i already hate it, it is nothing like Daddy's cock, and throw it to the side. Mmmm Daddy's cock, with that single thought in mind i push the clit vibrator in His dripping pussy and close my legs, as i pull up on the chain and smack each nipple with my hands repeatedly. The twisting mixture of pain and pleasure blur as i am rocketed up the mountain and right to the climax. 

Head thrown back, mouth open with a wanted scream of relief, cumm pours for His pussy; my body is slated. Moved back and up against my pillows i look between my legs to find that the sheet on my bed is soaked in a pool of juices. Smiling like a fool, i drop the chain from my mouth forgetting that it was attached to my sore and throbbing nipples as it falls and pulls a total opposite way they had just been tortured. Letting out a small cry, His pussy tightens again as a last wave of wetness escapes to my thighs and sheets. As i go to retrieve the vibrator from His pussy, it is covered in sticky, yummy cumm. I pop it my mouth for cleaning as I go grab a cloth to clean up. Nipple chain hanging, i don't take them off until His pussy it all cleaned up as is my vibrator, dropping it in my nightstand next to me, i finally release my nipples letting to blood once again return.
Head still buzzing from release i fall asleep with nipples in hand and cumm covered sheets.

....Bored..... thinking about being stuffed fucked and filled..... wishing about being whipped and pinched and tortured.....

awwwww....sweet dreams......

Want to go out tonight....

LOL!!!

So it is great that most men think that just cause I say I want to be a slut and love being a whore that you can just message me and I am going to drop to my knees or bend right over for you... HA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have said it once before but I guess it didn't get through some think heads,

IF YOU WANT A WHORE TO PAY FOR ONE!!!!!

So to those that gets pissed at this and come after me for it them refer to the post before and

PILE HIGH HATER!!!!!!

***PS*** Not everyone is a child on here and those who truly want to talk to me and hold a conversation and want to know about me not just my ass and holes then hit me up. Not saying i don't like talking about it but lets at least say Hi first....lol

PEACE!  ^_~

The higher the haters pile up the better i get.

That ok go ahead and bitch, but your voice is weaker than a whisper in the wind.

You want me to break down and fight back, but I just smile.

Pile your hates up throw them at me, i need more mortar.

Laugh all you want and say what you will, just don't bother me with your petty thought.

BITCH ALL YOU WANT...IT ONLY ADD THE THE CHORUS.

and I do love music.....

LOL

I think i have a problem; i can't trust those I fuck and I don't fuck those I trust....

I never let one get close to me and if they do get close then I wouldnt ever fuck them.

Weird, I would happily fuck a man, but let him have my heart, i think never.

I dont think that I shall ever get what i want or need....

I have doomed myself....

Got the job. Nothing better for a slave than to be a server. This is the job that let me know that I am a sub, with every happy customer and smile, I knew that I want to please.

God I miss Him, I do all this in hopes that I can please Him, love Him, and that He will love me back. That is all I have ever wanted....wow I am being honest on here, and while I know that the world will this the only reason that I am ok with putting this on the world wide web is because I know that my Master reads this, and I love you, miss you and will always and forever be yours.

I truthfully and thankful to this site and without it I would have never found Him. True be told I did actually reply the first time He message me and actually thought Him too young to be my Master. I know that I don't want a old Master by any means, however I didn't want Him as I thought that a Master of His age would not be able to train me.

Oh, how wrong I was.

While though touch it spare there is nothing else that is. I cannot live without Him, and everyday that I cannot touch, smell, hear, and be near, is torture.

I dream about Him, go through the day hearing jokes and wonder if He would laugh. Ah laugh, that smile that reaches the eyes.

Everyday that I awake alone is hell; dreams and my mind are all that saves my sanity. 

Every moment I look at my phone, hoping that he will have checked this or called me. I know that what I want is greedy and selfish, but GOD I want HIM, and only Him.

I don't know what I would do if everything turned out to be a lie. I know it is bad to think about things like that however I can't stop them when they come and I know that He loves me. It is just that I have been lied to my whole life, by everyone I know, family alike. Mother ever. 

I want to serve Him, love Him, be His. I have never felt this way before, hell ask anyone and I am a sheltered, boarded up vault. While a slut I may be, that has nothing to do with my heart. Nothing to do with wanting that childhood dream with adult fantasies come true, as I had forgot that dream long ago.

I let got all those dreams and wants, knowing that all that was for children. While I know that what we want on here most wouldn't call child material, it is still at the root of what we all want. What we strive for; that dream home and family.

I can't say that He isn't in my heart, and while I know that the hurt that I will suffer for a falsehood would kill me, I hope with every human fiber in my being that He really will come get me and love me.

I have never said it about another, but once again I shall say it proudly, I love my Master.

While some on here are really here to make friends and meet people others think that this is just a place to talk people what you like and they should do it....well this is for you....

IF YOU WANT A WHORE THEN GO BUY ONE!!!!

don't get mad at me just because I think and you act like some child.

Cleaning my room, in the nude. Shame no one is here to watch....

Shed the clothes and dawn the heels, black shiny ones. God how I love to be naked, just feels right.

Walking around the house nude, God I wish Master was here for this. Around the house we go, usually the whole house would be in this fashion, however this isn't Master's house, and the ungrateful one which I live with don't deserve my nude services. Locking up the front door and turning down the AC, the house it silence.

To my room, that dirty dirty room.

First the clothes, all the ones that I hate wearing, the socks, bras and thongs into one piles and the shirts, dresses, and skirts, in another. Jeans and towels make up the last pile, and all three are formed in the hall, as colors fly out the open door and into organized chaos of clothes.

Next, all this trash; all these school papers (quit school so whats the point of having them around), receipts, and other misc crap. Bending over again and again, just gets the mind racing. Would Master spank me every time I bend over... or would He make me crawl around to get it. Ah, but the crawling will come later.

Now to the dust, and a good housekeeper always starts at the top. So out to the linen closet for a rag and hey, since we are out here, the laundry out to the garage. One pile at a time, oh if I was with Master there would never be this much laundry, but alas I have been depressed in His absence. Three trips later and laundry is started.

To the dust I go, armed with a hankie around my nose and mouth and a cloth, I know if anyone looked into my open windows they would see a naked pink bandanna bandit cleaning in heels. The thought sends me into laughter, what would to cops think if I told them I was just cleaning, and didn't their wives clean like this too.... Ah their faces.

A dusting we may go, around the top and to the dresser, where all the perfume and jewelry take time.  So just for added measure, I reach into my nightstand and pull out my nipple clamps, this should speed me up a bit. And it does, the pain making my knees shake and a pool of wetness forms between my thighs. Damn I wish I was with Master, in His home, cleaning His clothes, having Him clamp my nipples.

The dusting is done and now I am almost done just some sweeping and scrubbing the floor left to do. Yes, scrub the floor, I feel that it isn't clean unless I can crawl around on it. The sweeping is harder than I thought as my knees down want to hold me up and I want to fall to my knees.

To the kitchen for the scrubber and a bowl of hot soapy water, and back to the room. With the nipple clamp chain swing on the floor every movement and stretch brings pain and shaking. Pleasure dripping down my thighs and onto the clean floor. I will have to clean my way out of the room, moving to the far corner the baseboards are the first to be scrubbed followed by the tile floors, ass facing the hall as this slut cleans for her Master.

Oh if He would just walk in that door. That is all I ever hope for.

Cleaning into the to bath room the nipple clamps are removed as i get into the shower body covered in sweat and shaking. With the shower head pressed between my thighs, cumm flows fast as the shakes and sweats release into bliss. My mind reaching for Master.

I do this for you; cumm for you, breathe for you, live for you, and will forever love you Master.

There are days when you wake up and just start smiling. Today was that day. :)

I don't know why I am so happy nor do I care, I am happy I just am.

Master should be back in a week or so, and while I still wish that He would be back now, I know that He will return and that is good enough for me.

I don't know why I want Him so bad, and know nothing enough of Him to have these feelings.

I don't know if He will want me, love me, or even like me, however I want Him. I know that people once lived their lives never meeting each other and while this isn't the same thing, I am reminded that this is simply strange for this time and this generation.

I hope that I will make a good slave and a good wife, for Him.

I only wish to pleases Him.

God I hate it when I finally get to talk to my Master and I get interrupted!

There I am sitting in the bath trying to type a journal entry on my phone, which is every hard itself, and then Master called. I almost dropped the phone in the bath water.

So, there I am sitting in to bath and Master on the phone, thinking this is going to be fun... Then here comes the moment killer, mom. She comes in the bathroom cause she has to pee and fucks up everything.

I can't say what I want and she keeps saying shit to everything i say, finally Master gets fed up with it and says that He as to go and will call me later. FUCK!!

I have been waiting for days for this call and her she comes fucking everything up in moments. Not only was that rude but i didn't even get to talk to Him for 5 minutes.

Now I have to wait more and I didn't even get to talk to Him. Fuck, am I never going to get what I want.

I am soo sad now...

Damn her.

Went out last night and got felt up by two gay men. It was great! i could just sit back and let them play and squeeze my breast all night and didn't have to worry about turning in a slut! 

however it is sooo hard to stay good when all you want to do is scream, 'i'll be bad if someone would just beat me!!!' But Master isn't here and while other cocks might work for most sluts, i want His cock.

It is even harder when i don't hear anything for Him, no call, no text, but i know it is because of His work and He does it not to torture me, but because He must.

So while He must do what is needed i will do the same.

However this doesn't keep the dreams and daydreams at bay, but rather makes them worse. Sitting there thinking of how i could make Him happy, or proud. Would He want his slut at the door kneeling when He comes home, or perhaps bent over the couch, so He may simply use my holes for His pleasure. i think not of my want or need, though great. No, i think of His pleasure, His want, His need. Use your slut as you need, please yourself until seed empties into that all awaiting home. White wash my inner walls with your need, and fill me with warmth.

Let me clean you. Kneeling in the shower, water running down sprays and covers me in Your smell before circling the drain and disappearing. Let the water run down Your back as Your slut lathers and soaps up a cloth to clean her Master with.

Oh, how i ache to touch You, Your smell sealing the deal; You are home. Shaky hands slowly move up Your chest, washing away all that has kept You away, all that separates us, all that takes You from me. oh, how i just wish to have You inside me again, teasing and using me, but this is Your time. So i shall show You how much i missed You, and remain thinking about the task at hand.

Aw, those hands again. Shaking from want, pleasure, from pure joy; up they go. Thighs, stomach, chest. Stop.

Strength encircles the cloth and long with it the shaky hands. The touch of Master, is altogether another ecstasy, to be held by such strength and love. Still You treat Your slut; with Your return, Your usage of her, and now with Your touch.  Oh, what pleasures still remain, only remain momentarily.

Up, lifted up higher until i must stand. The shaking has now become a slight shiver engulfing my entirety, alas the eyes are the only thing that remain steady; fixed on His hand. Now its warmth, power, slight tanning, the dirt under Your nail. i will get that later.

Up and over. Releasing my hands on the other side of Your head, they drop and land, clinching the now mangled cloth. Oh, Your face so close i want nothing more than to look at You but i have done nothing to earn it and know i cannot. So on Your hand my eyes will not stray. Those delicious hands of Yours slide along the soft flesh of the inside of my arm, sending ripples across every nerve in my body. Damn these knees, all the do is shake, but so does everything else.

Along the white fresh Your fingers trace, drawing lines of heat, and ripples of want. Farther still, up so slowly until Your hand comes to rest just as You reach the shoulder. God no, please don't stop now!! Your touch is a hot iron itself as it burns want and built up need to a boil. Rolling and flaring the passions which shiver with lust.

Slam.

Head against the cold tile, the back and ass scream as they are exposed to the chill of ceramics. All the while fire burns the front, weight, touch , skin. Fire and ice, front and back. Pinned against the wall and Your warmth, it is you two which maintain my balance and stature, for without You i would surely fall back to my knees.  Your iron of a hand gripping and tightening around my throat. Nay, Your slut's throat.

Oh, how i love to please You with it. One of Your cock's favorite resting place, and cummbuckets, it has been dry and wanton since You left. However now Your hand finds pleasure here, controlling it, having it, taking it. Higher, harder. Your grip forcing my chin up, exposing the entire throat. Red with Your trace, marked once again with Your love.

"Look at me slut."

Hand remaining strong, looking even a little down forces all air out, but who gives a damn about air. The pain from jaw bone meeting knuckle, with the lost of air the body is brought back. Returning to the usual sturdiness that once was lost to it. Thanks to His gift of pain and lost, control is restored.

It is amazing how, with every nerve awakened with passion and pain, and lack of air, brings such clarity and resolve. And allows one to know what is truly needed, Him.

Those eyes; usually dark pools of black tar, swirl and deepen into depths only the universe can know. Not pools, but oceans of dark life. Alive, awake, and aware of all. Black holes swirling with promises of untold adventures and needs not yet met. The fire and ice, the lack of air, the pleasureful pain; Truly He is my world, my universe, my unknown, my Master.

Breaks a sluts heart.

Have you ever heard a story that you routed for, fall apart? Well I have.

This poor slut wanted nothing more that to please her Master and while she was afraid of accepting or admitting the truths for her wants at first, who isn't.

Well, she over came these feelings and was starting to become a good slut, or so she thought. While her life only was for the pleasure of her Master, she began to find that she no longer pleased Him. At least that is what I gather.

The distance was great between them, and bias formed from young, but this is not what kept them becoming great. No, it was trust. The one thing that no relationship can live without, especially a M/s.

While she put on shows for Him, and proved her willingness to serve Him, and slutted herself out for Him. He never show much as call her, text her, or even comment on if he was proud or disappointed. 

While she fell to her knees for Him, He turned His back and walked away.  While she offered her life, love, and devotion. He offered nothing, only sweet promises that never showed, nor were produced. 

Why after all this does he still lie?... Was it all a lie?

With pain greater than any She has ever felt before She looses Her heart, and Her want. But never fear, there is another want that takes its place, and in the abence of a once tender heart there is now void.

Oh, yes. This void shall breed and nurture this new want. It shall twist and mangle all that was once given freely. Oh this is a new a new breed of want and need, from now it is no longer the pleasure of others that She wishes but the pain from others. 

Oh, She shall have her needs, and in the absence of a Master, She has become the Mistress. 

Oh what the faiths have given her! Such a life that is no longer for happiness but for pain. Tender no more is her heart, and pain now reigns Lord and Master.