My desires are like a yo-yo. A week or two ago I was at a point that I thought I could say goodbye to these desires of mine. I am so discouraged for so many reasons and at that moment I thought my desires were bare minimum and I could finally say it was just a phase I was over.

Then came tonight. Nothing special happened though. I was watching a movie and caught myself eying the women and say that I wanted them and wanted them to use a strapon on me. Then I started wanting them to bring in a guy to suck while they were fucking me with their strapon.

This is nothing new for me to want as everyone here knows. However, it coming out while watching a movie is the very strange part. Watching a movie in the living room is when my straight side is in control.  So to crave cock and strapon during my straight time means something huge has changed even if it might only be temporary. Unfortunately I know that it still isn't enough to get me to meet someone. But I know that the chances are much higher if they were the idea guy or woman that appeals to this side of me.

During that time I noticed a very brief moment that I felt receptive to possible ideas. Specifically the submissive mindset training that I've been desiring.

I have no desire to be female or act female but the way women think and feel and crave etc when they are in their submissive mood interests me a lot. I want to learn from women what I should be feeling. What I should be thinking. How to get that twinge and embrace it and make it grow until it is enough to consume me. I want to feel the submissiveness grow every minute and learn how to like how it makes me feel. I like the idea of feeling a submissive moment and it cause me to smile happily and close my eyes and feel the warmth it gives me.

Unfortunately I know so very little about what its like to be submissive. Yes, I have seen submissive behavior from women I have been with. But that doesn't help me know the real and intimate side of it. I think only a woman that knows and likes that side of her can tell me what it is really like and help me to know how they think and learn.

I have asked before and probably will again. But I am looking for a female to help me. That does not mean I am wanting to meet although I would meet the right one that I felt comfortable with that I think has a lot to teach me. Nor do I want cyber sex or anything. What it is I want I have not idea. I guess one reason why is I do not know what I should know or how and I hope they will know. But I guess I have one thought and that is maybe be given exercises to do. For example, maybe get on all 4s with bare ass in air, maybe something in my ass or maybe have a small dildo in my mouth and I am suppose to mentally chant something while trying to feel/think something specific.

I have no idea so that is why I ask for help. I am sure that women have a good idea what they feel and can give great advice how I might learn to feel the same way. While I have no desire to be/act female I am sure that there will be certain things that I will need to do/think that would make a woman feel ultra feminine or vulnerable that I will need to learn as well. I want to learn every single aspect of being submissive and how to feel submissive. I have no idea how much advice but think once a week to receive advice and maybe exercises to do for the coming week. It doesn't need to be sexual although the end result of my training is sexual.

Even if you can't help me directly I would love to hear what makes you feel submissive etc. I might be able to take it and use it to come up with my own mental/physical exercises to practice.

There is one other thing I really need help with and have asked before. I would like to purchase some toys for practicing on. I would love to hear favorites but mostly I want to find the most realistic size, shape, texture etc. One plan I think will help me is to have one that I can get on my knees and have it on the floor and I am leaning over it sucking on it. I think the position would be similar to a guy laying on his back on a bed and a woman on her knees leaning over him sucking except it would be me. I think it would be good practice for position but also good mental preparation and even practice sucking.

Any help, advice etc would be much appreciated.

I am so frustrated and tired of pro-dommes, financial dommes or whatever name they use.  Most would call them hookers, prostitutes, whores, call girls etc.  I am sure that most law enforcement agencies view what they do as illegal.  They can call it donations or tributes etc but it is still the same thing.

I guess they annoy the hell out of me because I am looking for the right woman that can train me and bring out a different side of me.  I know there are women out there that has genuine desire to help a guy explore his sexuality.  Some do it because they want to help and others do it because it really turns them on and others because it is a power trip.  The only ones that interest me are the ones that give me what I want how I want in order to explore these desires.  I have many things that I want to explore about this side of me.  I want to experience strapon and cock and the physical and mental pleasures.  I also want to see if I have a sub side and how far it can take me.  I don't mind if it is a power trip so long as it isn't about forcing me or giving orders or disciplining me.  I love the idea of becoming bragging rights to women and men that they were able to take me from straight top to becoming a bi sub bottom. 

I have only had one time of feeling submissive that only lasted a couple seconds.  It was before becoming bi curious or curious about being a sub and bottom.  It took years and me growing to this point before I thought about experiencing a sub side and remembering that moment.  It happened with a woman that I loved and I was the top and she was submissive.  We were both nude and I think I was on hands and knees crawling to get a rubber or something.  She touched my ass with no sexual intent but just a loving, caring, gentle touch.  But my reaction was immediate and what I think of as instinctive.  I had a moment that I felt submissive and my ass moved backwards immediately and a sense of need.  Years after I was able to understand why but at that moment I didn't even give it thought.  Now it is something that interests me and want to experience.

I have been with enough women that exhibited a submissive side that amazes me to this day.  The ones that really gets me interested are the ones that become aggressive when they show that submissive side.  Not displayed as aggressive in a dominant sense at  all.  But done in a way that shows they need that sex and almost as though their sexuality has taken over and in control of them and making them act in sheer lust.  That display amazes me and I gain a whole new respect for them in many ways not to mention it is a complete turn-on.  So when I think of becoming bi, submissive and bottom that is where I want my sexuality to go and experience.  I have heard it call subspace and hear women that experience it love it but at the same time it scares many.  I can't think of any good reason a woman that should be scared of that side of themselves.  It might not be something that you want a guy to see the first few times but something I thing every woman should allow themselves. 

I think it would be great for not just me but every guy to be taught by a woman how find a submissive side and experience that subspace.  There is something about the idea of being in love with a woman and offering my ass for her to take and submitting to her as a way to completely give myself to her.  A guy may give a sense of vulnerability when he shares his deepest feelings but I can't imagine anything more vulnerable than putting my bare ass in the air for her or even a guy.  To have ass in air and the desire to be taken by her and to learn to have a submissive side would be the ultimate gift I could give her and her give me.

But these Pro/financial are interested in the money and not the person growing and exploring their sexuality are a major annoyance.  I desire a woman or even man that wants to help me explore my bi sub bottom desires while doing it with the right attitude, patience, and ensuring I am comfortable and lusting for it.  I wish these hookers would just go somewhere else or at least the site have options that could keep them from showing up on my end and me on their end.  There are a few that have been nice and are actually trying to help the guy so I have to give some credit.  Most aren't that way though.  I just think that it would be nice to do a search and 3/4 of them not be these hookers.

I am so in need of sisters, bothers, fwb men or women, trainers and especially mentors. Online or in person, but online for starters. I need to be taught how to think and some help to find a local.

I need to have a nice online friendship from both women and men.  Some of those I would love to call sisters and brothers.  Not in the related way but the lifestyle way.  I really want to hear from women more than men.  I want to hear from women that are submissive but also those that think of themselves as sex slaves/property.

I want to hear how she feels when her ass in the air or on her knees and what she loves and craves to feel mentally/emotionally.  I want to be taught how to feel when I am on my knees facing a cock.  I what to be taught how to feel and give in with a woman w/strapon or a guy having me on all 4s and about to take my ass.

I know there are guys that have things to say about it and love to hear it but I have always loved it when women were submitting to me and it is their pure feminine submissiveness that I wish to learn from.  I have no desire to turn feminine or act female but hopefully I can learn to find and enjoy to have a genderless submissive side that can have the same fire and lust that the most submissive woman would be proud of.

I think I would love to have people that I can locally meet with and have coffee with and be friends with.  Oddly enough I want the sisters to be women that I have zero sex with.  I would like them to be both my mentors as well as sisters though.  While I want to be able to chat about everyday things I do want to have regular conversations about each others perversions and desires.  I am sure it is hard for a woman to confide in the average friend about these things and it is even harder for me to have a friend to chat about my own taboo desires.  I would love to hear her tell me about the guy she was with last night and how he made her feel and even how big he was and felt in her mouth and inside her.  I need a woman that can encourage me and that I can come home and tell her how it made me feel when I was sucking him and he came in my mouth etc.

I want to find mentors, trainers and fwb in much the same way.  I do want to find some of them online only but want others that could be part time online and then others that are mostly able to meet in RL.  Platonic is perfectly fine and I am sure that some will be required from both sides and I would want it to be stated up front and expected to be understood by both sides that is all it is.  There are those that I would want to be able to meet and have a friendship in much the same way as above.  The biggest difference is how I am encouraged.  The sisters and brothers and part of the mentors would encourage me to enjoy the same thing and have the sexual freedom as they have.  The rest of the mentors and the trainers are encouraging me  from the other side.  I do like the idea of having FWB that can be both male and female as well as submissive and dominant as well as top and bottom.

Any guy I am with I was zero romance with, to me this is a sexual thing only.  They also have to understand that they are the top and I am the bottom.  I don't want a guy to suck me nor do I want to fuck a guy.  I have been a top with women so with guys I want to explore how far being a bottom can take me.  I want a guy that wants to get me to worship not only cock but specifically his cock.  I want him to work to get me to crave his cock when he isn't around and can't get enough when he is around.  I also want women to get me to feel that same way.

My idea guy would be young and thin and as hairless as possible.  As this side scares the hell out of me he needs to be patient and as slow as I need.  I also want him to be happy with just having me and not a lot of guys.  If he does things right then he won't have need of others as he will me to make him cum as often as he wants with a few exceptions obviously such as when I am at work or doing errands or with friends.  Ideally he and I be friends that can do normal everyday things together as well and that would give more time together that might turn into sexual at a moments notice.  To be driving or hiking/camping and it turn into fun.  As I am straight and rather stubborn and independent this change won't be an easy or quick transition.  So with that said I like the idea of a young guy that gets off on the idea of turning a straight older guy into a bi bottom.  While I want it to be secret I am ok with a select few others knowing.  I guess what is the point of him having bragging rights of what he has done to me if he has no one to tell.

The idea woman would be one that is thin and attractive and wants a meaningful relationship but knows that I want to explore a submissive bottom side as well as knows I have interest in cock.  She must have a submissive side and be gentle and at least with me be a switch.  I would rather that she not really have a dominant side.  I have been with women that were quite submissive and loved to pleasure me and strove to do so.  The only difference is she would get her submissive pleasures from putting me in my submissive role and trying to pleasure me.  Ideally she would want to help me with my submissive side as well as bi curious side.  Even better if she wanted to help me get to a point that I love cock as much as her and wants to help me lose all restrictions and inhibitions.  With her I would want my straight top side as well and that would be most of our relationship.  Ideally she would not want any guy but me but so long as I am only with a guy she lets me have a guy to play with.

It would be nice to have friends that know this side of me is still virgin and wants to help me find a guy or even woman.  I am not against people that are my age but I am no different than anyone else and do want someone that is physically and sexually attractive.  No matter how much I want to find a woman or man I am not desperate nor easy.  I will happily talk with pretty much anyone until they become rude or pushy.  I will not meet anyone until I feel comfortable with them and them knowing my secret and expect the same thing from them.

So I would love to hear from people, especially women, and start my journey.  Need a confidant in true sexual feelings and exploits?  I know I do!  I absolutely love the idea of sucking a guy and be taken by him and have someone that asks me for all the details and that I can tell.  It seems to be rare to find someone that you can tell 100% of exploits and desires to and that can tell you 100% as well.  It can be great to tell someone stuff that you can't tell anyone else.  This sound like something you would enjoy, being friend, mentor, fwb, brother or sister then contact me.

I am not looking for those that think they can change my mind on things I have no desire to.   I have no need for those that like to inflict pain on others.  I also have no need for those that are financial or pro unless you can be friends separate from that side of you.

I have been looking for friends and mentors and possible partners for a long time now.  My friend that I wanted to be my mentor and sister (in a manner of speaking) has a life and has been unable to fill the role at this time.  I have been looking for others as well.  When concerning these desires of mine I need as many friends and supporters and mentors as I can get.  But there has been very few people that talk with me.  When they do it is short lived.  Even posts that are meant to be general in nature for others to get something from the answers have mostly gone ignored.

This isn't a "woe is me" post but a general frustration post.  I know the odds are against me since my interest is to become a bi sub bottom.  The women that are looking for the type of guy that I'm interested in becoming is rare everywhere let alone finding one that is local and also having mutual interest in each other.

Finding a guy is a little better but I find a lot of guys that want to be bottom or versatile.  I only want to find a top that doesn't want to suck me or have me fuck him.  I also want to find a guy that I can find myself sexually attracted to which is hard since I am not attracted to guys but when in this curious mood I have found many sexually desirable.  Who knew that it was this hard to find a guy that would accept a no recip blowjob or ass to fuck. 

Oh don't get me wrong.  There are a lot of guys that do but they are just as rude and pushy with guys as they are with women.  You would think as many times as they get turned down and told how they are being asshats they would get smart and try to treat other people with a little respect and not be pushy.  All I have asked from those that have interested me is they be patient and not pushy and realize that I have always been straight and even though I desire to suck they need to do it in a way to make me comfortable and at ease with them.  There has been a few guys that almost had me their until they lost their patience and became rude or became pushy.  There was one guy that I was actually waiting on to get online and I was going to feel him out one last time and then invite him over.  Then he did the unthinkable.   He wrote hate crap on my car in the dust.  I had never told him where I lived or what I drove but we knew we were in the same rather large complex.  It was a complete guess on his part but that was the end of that.  I was actually looking forward to meeting him up to that point.  If we enjoyed it we were close enough for an extremely easy bootie call.  If I like sucking and I feel safe with the person knowing my secret then I'm happy to make it a regular thing.  I hate it when women bash men because I know that most of the guys aren't like the way women say they are.  Part of the men are the way they are because of women and how the guy was treated.  The other guys honestly get what they deserve.  But online it is amazing how many guys turn into rude and pushy asshats.  I know for a fact that some of them would get laid if they weren't.  I guess they prefer to be rude and have to jackoff as a result.

When I put out posts in various places that I was interested in friends and mentors even if it was only online I actually expected a few responses.  I might have heard from one or 2 people but I am still without either.  I know there are a pretty fair amount of women that are sexually open to guys becoming bi even if they may not want to personally have a relationship with one.  So I was shocked by how few even said hi in the post and none wrote directly.  I even wrote a few directly asking for nothing.  More or less just saying hi and hoping that it could to at least an online friendship.  Not a single one had the politeness to even respond back with anything.  They could have wrote back and said they weren't interested in even an online friendship.

I am guilty of not responding to a few people but at least with them I can sense that if I do that they will be offended, get pissed off etc so I am doing it to be nice.  But when I write and not ask for anything and they could write back and not offend me but they don't it makes them just as rude as the guys.  It is a chain reaction.  Women that are rude to the guys in that manner when the guy is trying to be nice often makes the guy become rude himself and he then pisses off women.  If people would treat people how they want to be treated even when being turned down a lot more guys and women wouldn't be rude asshats.

So instead of becoming one of them I am considering leaving.  When I can't even get online help and friendship from women that do encourage and want to see a guy become bi it greatly discourages me.  I know that part of it is my fault.  If I just grew a pair and went after what I desire then I would at minimum have had one experience if not more.  But I do want my secret to remain secret and after what that one person did I feel rightfully wary.  Then again if I can go through with sucking a guy and he does that I could retaliate.  If he wrote "cocksucker" on my car I could say something like "likes BJs from men" on his.  There is a part of me that would respond in kind but I don't want that.  I want to feel comfort in knowing ahead of time that he will keep my secret.  Same with women, I would hope that they would keep my bi curiosities and interest in strapon a secret even if we stopped doing things.  I want to feel that my secret is safe going in as well as going out.  If my secrets are safe then theirs are too.  Its not like I am going to tell others about it because then I'm telling my own secret that I don't want people to know.

I am not abandoning my interests and desires quite yet but I think I am getting close.  I doubt my desires won't go away until I have tried it at least once but I'm getting to the point I am ready to give up and bury these desires as deep as I can.  I honestly would rather be open to my sexuality and have people that can help encourage me and advise me and yes even talk to afterwards.  I know that some women can feel threatened by the idea of a guy that sucks etc because they might feel a guy might take a guy away from them.  I have heard a few women say pretty much that same thing.  But if if I am 1000-3000 miles away I can't see how they could feel that.  Besides, I have no romantic interest in guys, only sexual.

Well I'm going to stop the rant.  I have a few things to think about the next few weeks.  But there is little reason to be interested in something if that something doesn't ever happen.  There is little reason to try and talk to people that seem like kindred hearts if they won't have the decency to reply back.

Yesterday I talked a bit about my ex lover/SO and being excited about being able to talk with her about my sexuality.  I am also very excited to hear about her own as well.

I found that she is full on Gorean.  I know pretty much what it is and can respect it but have to say I don't understand it.  I actually find it to be degrading to a woman to be treated in that manner.  But I do understand the part about how it can make them feel.  I guess I can't understand how they would want to be treated like that full time.  Then again I have seen many of those relationships fail so it doesn't seem sustainable long term even though it appears to have a lot of appeal short term.

But oddly enough many of my own sexual desires are much in line with how she is in her Gorean relationship.  My desires are more split and defined but much the same overall.  She is into being told what to do and doing the Yes Sir/No Sir thing.  I do understand the part about belonging to someone but not to that level.  I also don't understand about being punished.  For me it is all about support and them showing their approval and encouraging in order to get more out of me and getting me to progress.  I think they are just opposite sides of the same goal.

I like the idea of serving them but in a sexual way.  That interest includes both women and men.  While I'm open to stuff like serving someone a drink etc I am not ok with it being 24 hr or an expected requirement.  Sexually I am much more open to that way of thinking but not to that level.  For example, I think I would love to suck cock.  I love the idea of it slowly becoming something I need and want to do regularly.  I also love the idea of it becoming so much a part of me that he could show up at my door and my own needs compel me to get on my knees immediately and start sucking him.  I like the idea that he has come to expect it of me.  I do enjoy the idea that someone can know me well enough to know that I want it and wants to take advantage of it as well as encourage me more.  I like the idea that it becomes so much of a need that I begin to feel it is a duty that I need to provide.  The problem that I would have is when he expects it without question whether or not that I am feeling that desire.  That last part seem more Gorean to me.

I like the idea of being a sexual slave.  But it would need to come from within me that is brought out by my own desires that they can manipulate.  I especially love the idea of being in a serious relationship with a woman that wants to bring out that side of me.  Although I like the idea of it being with her I like the idea that she wants to help me with my bi sub bottom desires and is actively involved with me being with guys.  Her getting me to be with my first guy and guiding me into being the guys sex slave to some degree.  I like the idea of me, her, and the guy being friends that does things like movies, dinner, camping etc like normal non sexual friends.  But I love the idea her guiding and getting me to the point that we can be doing something simple like having dinner at home and her give me a mischievous look that only means one thing.  It means she would like me to stop what I am doing and watch me suck the guy.  But she isn't doing it in a way that is demanding or a requirement.  I find it a huge turn to think of all of use eating dinner and having a normal conversation and to get that look even if my plate is only 1/4 eaten and I get up and get between his legs and start sucking him.  Her look telling me that she either would like me to suck him until he shoots his hot yummy cum into my mouth and go back to eating or it means she thinks it is a good time for slow suckle and worship his cock. 

Such a woman would not try to force me or command me to do anything.  She simply knows my desires and and she simply encourages me.  She understands my desires because it mirrors her own with me so she knows how I feel and how best to guide me and get me to do things I am afraid to do.  I know a lot of women are afraid to let their sexuality loose except with the person she is with.  I have heard women say things that make me believe they have a desire to be sluts but are afraid to because of society stigma.  But I love the idea of the woman I am with that sees a chance to help me become what she desires.  I am not really talking about multiple partners with random people.  I know that is a desire in a lot of people when they have slut desires.  In the case of me and her she might help me get maybe 3 guys but not random strangers.  But she wants me to release all inhibitions and bring out the need that controls my actions with the guy without any thought.  I have seen enough women in the throws of passion get a glazed eye look and their actions seemed completely controlled by sexual need and not even in control of themselves.  I love the idea of a woman teaching me how to do that but also for me to learn to love cock that when it is in my mouth I feel a certain sense of being sexually complete and when I am with the guy to have a feeling of not being complete without his cock in me.  I have seen women get a look in their eyes and on their face of peace and contentment as well as lust of course when they have it in their mouth or pussy.  I like the idea of her helping me find that side of me but with a need to get it frequently to keep that need happy.  But unlike her she wants to get me to the point that feeling of need is 24 hrs a day 7 days a week and feeding that need can be satisfied at any time.  I love the idea of being at work and that need overcome me and can't wait to get home and have the guy meet me there and a happiness overcome me once it is in my mouth.

With all my posts people probably wonder if I am gay.  I know even now when I am desiring cock that I have no interest in a romantic relationship with a guy.  I know what sexual role I want to play with women and men and know what romantic roles I want with them.  With women I want to have a complete relationship with a woman.  I mostly want my role to be the normal straight masculine male in every day life.  But sexually I would like our roles to be interchangeable.  I mostly want her to maintain her gentle submissive feminine qualities no matter if I am being the normal top male or when she is topping me.  But since I have always been the straight male top I want to experience the freedom of being a submissive bottom with guys.  While I want the bottom role with guys I want it to be with restrictions of the mind.  I want the hunger of wanting a cock in my mouth and when it is to have that peace, content to overwhelm me.  In some ways it is how a person feels at certain times when they are in the shower with the hot water washing over them and they relax into it and they feel good while at the same time all thought of anything around them is gone.  I think there are times when that I am in the shower not doing anything sexual but just enjoying the hot water that if I had my head back and if my mouth were open and a cock slipped in it that both feelings would be the same except for the lusty hunger.  LOL

I know.. What does this have to do with her?  Out of all the women I know she means the most to me and her help and opinion means a lot to me.  I am single and not dating anyone and if I were that person would be the most important.  But as far as friends to have a platonic relationship with she means a lot to me, especially this side of me.  With her being Gorean I hope to learn a lot from her.  Most of which is about submission.  It is difficult so far explaining to her how my submissive desires are different than hers.  She sees hers as emotional and sexual and I see mine as emotional and sexual as well.  But the way I see hers, both are tied to romance and loving relationship whereas I see mine in a more sexual way.  I think she has a better understanding of my side but honestly don't think she fully understands it.  I'm sure she does but just haven't realized it yet.  I just have to find a better way of explaining it. 

I don't know where my curiosity about finding a submissive side will take me.  It is possible it might take me to where she is at now.  I'm not even sure if I can pull of having dominant and submissive side.  I think because my dominant side is more passive it is likely that I can find a submissive side and they can coexist separately.  I think she will be able to help me know what it is to be submissive.  I actually view my dominant love of eating pussy as having submissive qualities.  The submissive women I have been with seem to enjoy the person they are submitting to standing over them and them looking up at the person.  I think I understand how it could feel with their cock in front of my face and looking up at the person.  I think they feel at least 2 things at that moment, a submissive side and an emotional side that can include love.  I want to feel a certain amount of being lesser but not in a derogatory way.  I guess in a way that means I want it to make me feel that this is one of my places I should be.  I want that certain feeling to be that I belong there and his cock is going to be in my mouth where it belongs.  I want that feeling to include a sense of submissiveness when I wrap my hand and then mouth around his cock.  I want it to make me feel smaller while making me feel stronger, in control, and bolder.  When I get my mouth around the cock I want bring out a submissive aggressiveness in me.  At first when I first put a little in me I am timid slow and almost afraid to touch it and then that submissive aggressiveness kicks in and a hunger that causes me need to have more in my mouth but also the need to make it cum in my mouth.

I think that she fully understands that last part and I think it is the same feelings that most submissive people feel in that situation.  I want to learn from her what should make me feel most submissive and least submissive.  I want to know what I should be thinking and how submissive to be and vulnerable.  I want to know what a woman thinks when they are faced with a cock 1 foot from her face, when it is in her hand, when she is opening her mouth and putting around the cock, when she starts to slip in deeper into her mouth and what she is think and feeling when she knows it is about to cum in her mouth.  I don't know individual thoughts and feeling of each point but I want to learn them.  I think I know one point that I hope can be the case.  I know I want to feel a certain sense of timidness when it is 1 foot from my face that is mixed with an overwhelming curiosity to touch it and feel its texture and heat.  And when it cums in my mouth I want to feel a certain sense that his cock has power over me and that I want to continue feeling that each time.

I have mostly touched on being with a guy and not really a woman.  Partly for a few reasons.  I already know some of what I want to feel but really only a small part.  I know that I would prefer that me and her are in a serious relationship and the act of her taking my ass would be giving myself completely to her.  I have a similar desire with a guy but with a woman I want it to be because of love and respect and trust.  With a guy it is more about sex and finding a more primal need.  I can get into that another time in more detail.  I know that I want a woman that is mostly submissive with me and gentle and when she is using a strapon on me it is that soft gentleness that she uses.  I want her to teach me how to be more dominant and what she likes done.  I really want to experiencing a woman fucking my ass and her having orgasms and and her jerky movements as she doesn't stop.  She uses her own pleasure to keep her orgasms going as well as her act of taking my ass.

But I hope my friend can be my mentor but would like to find others as well.  I hope that she will help me get ready to be with a guy.  I don't expect her to give me tasks/exercises as though she was a domme but would love to be given tasks/exercises as a mentor.  As an example only:  She tells me that she wants me to go out in public and every guy that seems to fit my type she wants me to look at their crotch and then at their face and if they are looking at me when I look up she wants me to smile.  She tells me how I should be feeling each time I look at his crotch but also what I should think.  That is just an example though.  I  do know I have no desire to be feminized or to dress as a woman or act like a woman.  I do want to think the same things as a woman when with a man and feel the same way.  After all, women suck cock and get fucked so there are some similarities of what will be more female.  I have only seen one man suck a cock with the same needy hungry passion that I've seen women do so I want the woman to be my role model and help my sexual actions and role to be the same as a woman.  I have only had one thought about dressing and that was because men and women would keep bring it up.  That is to wear thigh high stockings and the schoolgirl skirt.  Nothing else feminine.  But after they had brought it up and I thought about it there was a certain appeal to a guy putting me in doggie position and flipping the skirt up on my back and exposing my bare ass making me feel vulnerable but knowing that he wanted to fuck me.  I do like hearing men and women compliment my ass and their desire to fuck it.  It used to make me pretty uncomfortable but now I like hearing it.  But I guess it is normal to be sexually wanted although this side of me is new and unexplored.  I even like the idea of him getting it a few times and still want my ass.

I want her to teach me all the things to think and feel for every situation but know that some things I will end up with my own feelings about it.  But I want her teaching me will get me started down the right path of how to be a proper submissive in the type I want to be.

Well I am going to stop here and hopefully today me and her will talk more and I can ask her to be my mentor.  She already knows but we didn't get into details.  I guess the type of mentor I want from her is more like a lifestyle sister in a manner of speaking.  Someone that has found a willing new person and wants to get them ready for their first man and be ready to please him.

I heard from an old serious flame yesterday.  She seemed to be excited that I was interested in the books she has been reading.  The books are the Chronicles of Gor.  I am excited to hear from her more but not to rekindle any relationship as that won't happen.

To give a history of things, she is the first and only person that I've been in a relationship that I told that I was bi curious.  I have met one other person that was platonic that I shared my secret with.  When I met her I was straight as an arrow and I still am except when this side of me comes out.  I have never been with a guy or a woman with strapon.

It was her that I claim got me to become bi curious but with help of an ex.  Both of them had asked me to do them anally and both said they never wanted it again afterwards.  The part that I laugh about and the part that got me to thinking about it was that both about 1-2 weeks later asks me for it again.  Now it wasn't only that part that got me bi curious but mix that and the woman said she was bi curious that finally got me to think about it.  I began thinking about how I've seen the lust in their eyes and the panic if I slip out accidentally.  The physical and mental pleasure they get from from sucking and getting fucked.  I love it when I watch them go from normal them and watch as their lust increases and their sexuality seems to control them more and more until they appear to be acting on a primal sexual level.  It was all of that mixed together that got me to become bi curious.  I don't think I have ever told her just how much of a role she played but she does know I am bi curious.  I had told her while we were seeing each other and she was ok with it and even helped to find a guy.  Not sure  how much she supported it in reality though.

So I talk with her a couple years ago and reminded her that I was still bi curious and she says she is ok with it still.  It was brought up about her own Gorean desire and she became rather lively and I am excited to see where it might go as far as chatting goes.  We are on opposite coasts so nothing more than chat will come from it.  But I would love to have someone close to me that can give advice about how to get in the right mental state, how to suck, help me select some toys etc.  I love the idea of a female friend that can help get me to meet a guy but wants to hear all about it when I get home.

I am looking for women an select men that would love to be friends and mentors.  Yes I want both for in person experiences as well but very happy to have online friends.  I am seeking a woman that will encourage me to experience both strapon as well as cock.  I am also in serious need of help to find toys.  I like the idea of having many toys but want to find at least 1 for learning to suck on and 1 other for my ass.  I want the most realistic in size as well as texture.  I want the only thing more realistic to be the real thing.  So those woman that read this help me out!  I want them to be average in size around as well as length.  I also need to find one that I can find a way to put in a position to take it doggie style if possible so ideas would be great.

I do want to have help and advice etc from women from anywhere and would love to find one local.  I am picky when it comes to women to have a relationship or sex with but I would like to have a friend to do things with that can know me in person that knows I am wanting strapon and cock.  I love the idea of having a female best friend that can tease me discreetly and point out guys I should try.  I like the idea of being able to go out to dinner and us be able to discuss our sexuality and experiences but have normal conversation with as well.

Ok, back to my friend/ex lover.  She has told me many years after we broke up that she was submissive and brought up these Gorean fantasy books.  She has never seemed the type to be submissive to the point she is a slave as she is rather strong willed and defiant.  I think if it comes up I will tell her how much of an impact she has made in my sexual interest and how much it and she means to me and how much I want her help in exploring my sexuality.  As I have said, she isn't local and I would like to also to find someone local.  I hope that she can mentor me and take me under her wing and guide me.  I don't really want to be someones slave that I have to follow orders etc.  BUT I do like the idea of being someones sexual slave to them or theirs to keep a select few people sexually pleasured.  When I say I want to be submissive I mean it in a sexual way.  I love the idea of a woman using her strapon on me or having me eat her out.  I also have a fantasy of fucking a woman while being straight top but as soon as cum she puts me on my back and lick her clean and to more orgasms.  I also desire to learn to feel submissive but with an extreme desire to sexually pleasure them.  I want to feel pleasure and even pride in feeling submissive.  I want to feel an overwhelming submissive need to be on my knees with a cock in my mouth and it giving me satisfaction.  I want to have the same desires when a woman positions me doggie style and softly prepares me to take her strapon.  I want to feel a strong desire to feel vulnerable and offer her my ass and content when she does.

I am hoping my friend can help start me down that path.  I like the idea of her or others to give me tasks to do.  Perhaps they help me find some toys and gives me instructions on what to do and how long etc.  I do not want it to be orders or anything but I do want it to be them helping to train me and preparing me mentally as well as physically to do it eventually with a person.  I hope that it can be my friend that can help me at least partially.

I have always been straight and now I am bi curious I am faced with the fact that I find it difficult to be attracted to men.  I have noticed that almost every guy I have found to bring out a sexual attraction towards them has been thin, twinkish, pretty much completely hairless, and young(18-24).  The shaft and balls completely smooth but do like hair above the cock and also with no hair.  The only other hair is on the arms and head.  Every place else on the body (legs, belly, chest, ass, etc) to be baby smooth.  I honestly don't if it is because women have little hair or if it is just a preference that appeals to me.

So yes, if I am with a man for the first time I think that is the type of guy that will most likely get me to suck him.  I really like the idea of a woman that will turn me hairless.  I want to keep hair on any public place.  So that means arms, head and face that I want to keep hair.  But I like the idea of a woman getting a razor or Nair and removing every inch of hair everywhere else.  I particularly like the idea of Nair.  To feel her hands rubbing it on every part of my body knowing that she is going to turn me baby smooth.

Where it leads from there or why she is removing my hair really isn't as important as her doing the task and what it does for both of our mental states.  But I do enjoy the fantasy of her doing it and taking a strapon to me.  Perhaps she is doing it to get me ready for some guy to use my mouth and ass for the evening.  I am sure that there are men and women who like hair guys and there are the other men and women that prefer hairless guys.  I think one of the reasons I like it is it is more sexual to look up over a nice flat stomach when doing oral on women and think it is way more appealing on a guy.  Another good reason is if there is no hair then none gets in the mouth and will be more enjoyable.  I think it would also give me a particular mindset if a guy were completely hairless.  Without hair it would put a lot more emphasis on his cock keeping me aware that at that moment he is in some ways my master and it his cock that requires my full attention.

Keep in mind that I am not wanting a master/mistress that will dominate me in the way that many unfortunately think is required.  I don't want my desire to suck and be sucked to come from them trying to make me.  I do want them to bring out a certain level of them being my sexual owners.  The way I want them to be master/mistress is by bringing out my desire  to pleasure them and make them orgasm.  With a guy I want them to bring out the desire to please and that in many ways their cock is mine and that I must suck it and have it fucking my ass so it will cum and it be the cock more than the man that is my master and dominate me.  With women I want them to create 2 mental states if possible, one is bring out a more dominant side but also a submissive side too.  I am already orally obsessed with women that I see dominant and submissive qualities.  I would like her to bring out a more dominant need to fuck and eat her.  But I want her to have her side that when she really needs it she never pushes the overbearing side but simply puts me in a more submissive side and sort of uses me to eat her pussy.  Maybe doing something innocent like watching TV and all of a sudden strips and shoves me down and sits on my face telling me to make her cum.  I would prefer at first to keep that side of both of us remain that way the entire day.  It sounds great to have the day planned that I am to be the submissive the entire day.  But I definitely enjoy the idea of waking up Saturday and heading to take a shower and she sees my hairless ass and immediately takes on the top/dominant role and gets her strapon and takes me right there or makes me eat her and maybe even puts in a buttplug until she is ready to use her strapon on me.

To make a long story short, I think that me, her, a guy being hairless has many perks and can even help in our mindsets on the roles that each will play.  The biggest impact with possibilities will be if the guy is completely hairless and how much more likely my bi curious side will take over and get me to suck.  For reasons that scare me and confuse me as well as turns me on greatly I want cock to me a good portion of my sex life.  When I get horny and my bi curious side comes to the surface and starts to dominate me I get feelings that I am suppose to have cock in my life and it is sort of a duty to make it cum.  When my straight side thinks back about those it is confused and scared but my bi curious side thinks that its sort of natural feeling that I'm here to provide that to a lucky guy.  My bi curious side says that if the guy shows up at my door that I should feel the need and drive and duty to immediately strip and start sucking him.  Yes, it does scare the hell out of me, but at the same time I WANT a young guy to stop over any time he wants and use me.  Surprisingly enough I want a woman to be the driving force behind me being used by the guy and constantly pushing my mental state towards needing more of his cock.  I want her to push it until it is very natural but without any social or mental limitations/inhibitions and a sexual slave to the guy that is driven by my own desires but without and conscious thought.  There is also a desire that she is able to be a mistress to some degree.  Maybe she knows a guy at work that she knows needs a blowjob and she arranges an anonymous meeting in a hotel with him blindfolded and as a sexual slave I am to suck him and swallow his cum.  Perhaps she tells him that he has to remain handcuffed with his hands behind his back and blindfolded and earplugs/headphones and if he agrees then "her friend"(me) will be available to suck him or get fucked by him.

**  This is an example of how strong my bi desires are, at least in fantasy form, because it started out with the intent to talk about lack of body hair and lust turned it into the rest.