- The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Pan Female Submissive, 45,  Chicago, Illinois
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Bastet1976 - photo 1
Bastet1976 - photo 2
Bastet1976 - photo 3
Bastet1976 - photo 4
Bastet1976 - photo 5
Bastet1976 - photo 6
Bastet1976 - photo 7

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i hate these things .. every experience changes me and makes me who i am at this moment .to try and explain who i am within the written word is ludicrous it cant be done .. im ever evolving ,always learning, sometimes funny, sometimes serious . at this moment im a submissive without a Dominant . I consider myself a primal submissive.. if you cant take the time to have a profile dont bother me your a ghost and i dont play with ghosts .. also please i dont disrespect people im not your submissive dont contact me assuming because i am a sub that i will fall and genuflect myself to you because you claim to be a Master or Dominant . when i play i play hard .. if you are just here looking for kinky sex .. move on im not for you or visa versa . i dont sleep around .. but never get it twisted i love sex .. im into a lot of things and curious about a lot of others i want to explore and try stuff .. i i will never be a size 10 or below so if that is what you are looking for again move on .. i wont sleep with your friends or suck their dicks .. im not into gang bangs or fisting .. no one under age , or animals .. .. no golden or scat .. If you are looking for online Domination .. again move on im in this real life and im not skyping you so i can abuse myself .. anything else you want to know just ask .. i dont bite .. well i do but then again im primal lol
Over time I have learned mite about myself and what I am Im also a little so that means I am looking for my daddy this is a serious part of who I am if your not interested in littles or being a daddy we probably wont have many interests in common

P.S read my journals that will give you more insight on me and how i think .












 Submissive Female



 Willing to Relocate

 5' 6"






Actively Seeking:

Dominant male


 Amusement Parks




 Electrical Play (Beginner)

 Local BDSM Community

 Hair Pulling


 Wax Play

 Whips (Beginner)

 Role Playing Games (Beginner)




 Musical Theater

 Renaissance Faires (Beginner)

 Travel (Beginner)


 Breast Play

 Canes and Crops




 Public Play

 Online RPGs

 Web Surfing

 Alternative Music

 Country Music

 Eighties Music




 Curious About:

 Anal Play (Beginner)

 Begging (Beginner)

 Cages (Beginner)

 Gags (Beginner)

 Modern Primitivism (Beginner)

 Obedience Training

 Orgasm Control

 Rituals (Beginner)

 Sensation Play

 Role Playing


 1950s Lifestyle

 Lifestyle BDSM




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Journal Entries:
5/30/2016 7:05:41 PM
How are you suppose to react when someone tells you they like to play with thick girls just they prefer skinny or athletic women for relationships? I mean I respect the honestly but an I suppose to be okay with the fact that you want to play with me and fuck me but that's all I'm good for based on my size ? This just all starting to make me tired

5/23/2016 11:25:22 AM
You know it is frustrating lol seems most only want the fantasy or the jack off material. Well guess what I'm a real person with real day to day issues that I have to deal with so no I don't always want to talk about where you want to stick your cock. Also it's in my profile I don't do cyber just not my thing. One more note if your not going provide a recent pic don't bother me my profile has plenty of pics of me Sorry for the rant

10/4/2015 7:21:23 PM
I need a touch .
I need a caress .
I need a kiss .
I need your hand around my throat while you touch , caress, and kiss me .
I need to kneel .
I need to feel your will .
I need to be marked.
I need your hand in my hair as I kneel to your will and you mark me .
I am Need

9/3/2015 8:30:46 PM

Eyes closed as cuffs go on my world of grey has wisps of lavender , the tease of what will come .

Arms above, head down the soft thud as peace begins brings the blues to mix .
As the beat gets faster the thuds harder pinks spread through the lavenders and blues with a smile upon my lips.

Then with a crack and a gasp enter the reds as i arch and whimper a plea for more. With every lash the reds get deeper blending and spreading until there are no more colors but stars that shoot and rain down in pleasure and pain while inside i am begging you to never stop ,for to stop is to return to the grey.

9/3/2015 6:56:52 PM

Everyone has a bible a tomb the Way for how a submissive should act or be .
I am not everyone else and I don't plan on being every dominants dream giggleslike that's possible First I have been in and around the lifestyle for a little over 10 years and no I have never been collared or owned , there where reasons that wasn't possible for years . I had a Dom /Protector for years and one of the reasons he stayed my protector for all those years was well he was scared of what might happen to me . I do not show it I am actually very good at the masquerade but if I let my guard down I am vulnerable .
Not in the sense some people understand , but in the fact that in the right situation I would be a super submissive type . My old Dom saw this and worried that the wrong Dominant could i guess break me .
The reason I am writing about this right now is because when I went through drop This week I wrote about it and I started thinking of conversations I had with my old Dom and what he really meant because i didn't understand then .
now I sorta do , and well it sort of scares me and excites me at the same time if that makes sense .
I have ran across 2 Dominants that effect me this way so far and i ran far far away from them . The reason being i knew they wanted something I wasn't ready to give yet I felt their pull so strongly I knew they could have what they wanted from me . Call me a coward whatever i was scared and alone and sometimes you have to protect yourself .
Any way I get asked "what training do you have ?" and all that and all i can say is . NONE .
Knowing the way you think or someone else thinks a submissive should sit , stand, kneel , present and all that does not make someone submissive . How many Masters or Dominants You have or have not served doesn't make you a submissive . Being a submissive isn't about Knowledge that can be gained later and no 2 Masters will want the same things . For me being a submissive is whats in my heart , my soul .
The way i crave to serve and surrender to you . In the way i want to suffer for you . So maybe I don't know positions or protocols . why does that matter? I know who and what I am down to my bones and that's the point . I need someone that wants this not just as bedroom games for sex and fun though that is fun but who can accept my surrender outside of that as well . Maybe that isn't around anymore sadly I look around and see allot of kinky swingers these days and while I'm not downing that it is just not my thing .

So while I might not be what you consider a submissive should be I am still a submissive . I am Not your submissive I am my submissive for now .

9/2/2015 8:43:46 PM
Most people on here want Sex or bedroom play .. I need Someone who wants a true D/s relationship that knows this is more than in the bedroom this a way of life . I am not into Gor that's fantasy based off a book , and I never claim to be a slave I am a submissive and i desire someone i can submit to freely .

9/1/2015 11:30:53 AM
The Grey 

In a world composed of black and white I walk in the Grey .
I am neither Light nor Dark I am that mixture of both .
I am that wide eye wonder that still believes in miracles and love
Yet I am also that dark need that screams beat me and fuck me .
Sometimes I still wonder how I can have the hope and dreams I do .
Why haven't I sunk completely into the dark abyss and lost all of my
luster for rainbows and fairy tails .
Sometimes i think that would be easier . Sometimes I consider it .
But then I catch a glimpse of color a streak of reds or blues and i cant.
I cant give up the hope that i will see the other colors and the beauty .
So at night when i dream I dream of the vibrant hope that lies inside of me .
I dream of all of the colors , and i keep it alive within my heart .
But until i find it.
I walk in the Grey .

8/31/2015 4:42:02 PM
I have found the more i push myself and what i can take . The more i crave and need . Sometimes i think I'm just a needy bitch that's never sated.
Last night at the edge of ready to fall down i was so lost, all I could think as I rose back to my senses was More I want more . It is almost scary how often and how much I find myself needing this . But then it is over and I am back in my head again and it never feels complete or finished . It is like there is this puzzle piece that is missing that i can't see, that will make it so much more than what it is .
Will I ever find that missing piece? Or will i be doomed to thousands of days and nights feeling like something is there just out of reach ?
Can i even keep putting myself through this? I worry one day i wont step back from that ledge that i will free fall and lose the ability to know when i have had enough . I am no where near that point yet but do i want to keep pushing it until I am ?
As much as i am becoming more of a masochist . I am also a submissive that has no real outlet . A friend told me "Your a switch your good as a top " sighs
I am good because i submit to giving someone what i know they need not because i love or want the control. I have no desire to be in that position of authority or to be in charge . Yes I can do it but that doesn't mean it feels like home for me .
I am also dealing with the primal part of myself as well . and that part of my needs are not being met as well . My wild-ling was so close to the edge last night I was growling . I need an outlet for that as well I cant just go on keeping this part of my nature bottled up and repressed or its going to turn around and bite me for real .
And lets add in the fact i seem to have a small part of me that's a little , well not a little more of a middle but still that Daddies Girl is there as well .
So out of all of this only my masochist seems to be getting fed and the others are starving . They all make me who I am as a whole person . I dont know maybe im rambling and no one gets what im saying but i need to get all of this out of my head so I can look at it and try and figure out what i need to do and take so action to getting all my needs met .
I need the ability to be fully me .

8/29/2015 12:42:57 AM
A gift? 

They say submission is a gift, but what good is a gift if there is none there to receive it ? I challenge you instead to think that not only is submission a gift but so is domination . You cant give either if there is no recipient. It is a give and take. As much as a submissive gives does the dominant not give in return? A dominant gives me a place to rest the reliability to know He or She will be my harbor and and strength .They will nurture and not abuse the nature of what we offer ,they compliment us for without them where would we be?

Yes submission is a gift but it is also a responsibility that they take on and do not for a minuet think its all sunshine and candy for them . Sometimes they have to make the hard decisions that impact both our lives but that's where the trust is at work . We trust that they will make the right choices , that the rules they set down for us are there for a reason .

So Yes i will suffer For My Sir and yes i want to make His life easier in any way possible , because he makes it possible for me to submit with my whole soul and be safe if surrendering to him . I have no gift of submission to give if there is no one to give it to . To me the gift is finding that home to shelter and offer my true self to flourish and grow into what it can and could be with the right caretaker .

I always hear that submission is a gift and yes I agree but i think we forget so is domination . They are both gifts and responsibilities and should not be taken or entered into lightly but with the intention of both giving and taking and knowing that they both need each other to be what they could be , something beautiful and powerful and full of life .

8/27/2015 10:48:02 AM
So I was talking to a friend last night and something I said inspired them to do a project. They wrote everything they had ever been called that was derogatory on their body to get it out of their heads and clear it . It made me super sad to see what people have called a very sweet person .
It got me to thinking , Why do people do that ? I get mail from strangers sometimes throwing insults at me about my weight . Yeah i want to cry sometimes and i have been close to shutting down all my accounts on every site I am on and just saying fuck it . Yeah not happening my response to this is a resounding FUCK YOU !
So what if I'm not perfect , So what if I;m not the weight you think i should be !
I am still a person and i deserve respect . What right does anyone have to judge others? I mean we are on a kink site FFS and the last thing we should be doing is acting all sanctimonious and entitled .
So anyway i started wondering . Why do they do that ? I mean it takes way more effort to click on my profile , go through my pictures , then write a mean message , than say just clicking next profile . So what if the reason they do what they do is . They actually are attracted or like it and they are ashamed?
So they lash out to cover up their own lusts and to convince themselves that they are normal .
I mean whats that saying ? We usually hate and try and destroy what we secretly desire or hate most in ourselves? . Now i am in no way saying my theory is the right one or even plausible its just a thought . But if this is a reason then so many things make more sense . Not that it hurts any less or makes what you say any less harmful , I for one would never write someone just to insult them or degrade them (well unless i was a Dom and that was their kink) . Bit any way just thought i would share a theory and if you have any theories I would be happy to hear them

8/23/2015 9:41:47 AM

So this is a conversation between me and some supposed Dom  now .. i never contacted him he contacted me and i say on my profile i dont play online crap .. at the end he says its no wonder im alone .. umm didnt he contact me ? are we not on the same site?? i swear there must be a secret how to be a douche dom book out there that makes them think that they have the keys to our panties seriously ??

him : Sounds like we seek similar things. I find Thkugh that few are willing to invest the time and effort to build up desire and trust to make that happen. What exactly are you willing to do at these early stages to strengthen a connection between us to where we can actually begin enjoying those levels?
i dont do online cyber to me thats not real so i dont participate ::

So basically you're sitting there in a small little North Carolina town expecting prince charming to come and sweep you off your feet and give you this magical lifestyle without you having to put forth any effort or take any risk whatsoever. As I pretty much summarizes?

lol i never said any of that .. im saying im not gonna be some guys cam slut so he can jack off .. and this isnt a magical lifestyle im not some green eyed little girl that read and watched 50 shades of grey and decided i wanted to be swept off my feet .. and i sure wouldn't want a prince charming i might as well be vanilla then .. it seems to me your the one with issues here .. look yeah allot of people here are fake .. we all have to deal with it its a hazard of the internet but i actually go out am known in the lifestyle here ohh and in Chicago .. i didn't always live in NC and where do you live ?? thanks.. so before you jump to conclusions maybe ask some questions first ..

not a princess needing saving !

Lmao. No just another dumb assed cunt playing games and disrespecting the lifestyle and everyone else in the process.

8/22/2015 11:56:54 PM
So you always hear about the fabled submissive unicorn ,but what about the Dominant unicorn! Yes that's right that perfect blend of Master/Daddy/Sadist/ Romantic/yet twisted totally hot (come on its a unicorn gotta be hot lol ) dominant for us !
I always hear one day you will find, don't give up blah blah blah. Yeah well lets see I have been around this lifestyle for a few years and after about 4 I gave and Went back to vanilla because you get tired of being alone you want to be wanted even if it is a vanilla relationship you convince yourself that you can live without satisfying your needs and be so called normal. just on a hope and chance you can be happy, but it wont work for a little while you can trick yourself you can even love the vanilla person but you start to regret things want more. need more and they cant or wont give it to you. It starts to cause issues because deep down your not happy and it makes them not happy. Its not their fault its not yours we are just not compatible in that way , so again your alone starting over, its hard its lonely .
You see people that have what you want so bad and it feels like you will never find it because lets face it your older now. Not as young or hot as all the newer play things out there lol or the so called dominants that do want you are well not to your taste. Or they really just want a fuck toy that they could pass around to their friends or do what they want and because your a submissive they think that means you will go along with it.
I like play but i need more at times I hate having to wait for a event to get some of what i need. I just want a regular play partner that if the need is there I could go to their place and get what i need or if they need to play i could go there and give them what they need lol. I still want a permanent Dominan, shit I'm pack oriented i could even be poly for the right people . I just want that connection , both physical and sexual and that's what I miss while playing with people just to play . Don't get me wrong i love the play and the pain it helps but it always feels incomplete I need the closeness.
Like I said the sexual play to go along with the mind fuck I'm a very tactile person I love smell , feel , and all that when I get into my head space i want to have that aftercare and closeness I want Him or Her to grab me by my hair and tell me in no uncertain terms I am theirs. Is that to much to want and yearn for ? Am i just fooling myself in thinking i can find it ?I'm not saying my unicorn has to be perfect , just perfect for me , are you out there ? Cause i have been looking for you all my life it seems.

8/22/2015 11:12:50 PM
I am a bigger woman . I know this I accept this . Yes i want to lose some weight but its not for the reasons you might expect . I want to do this so i will be healthier and able to enjoy more things that as a big girl i cant . Now don't get me wrong I love having curves and yes I have curves I'm built that way , and i do not want to be skinny though I'm not bashing or hating on smaller women.
For allot of years i really hated myself and had a low self image . I also always heard how the hot guys would never be interested in me . Funny thing about that even when I was bigger than I am now i have fucked some pretty hot guys .
I always find it amazing though how they would want to fuck me but date the smaller girls and yes that gave me a horrible self esteem issues .
When I first found this world it changed allot of things for me the first being how i saw myself! My first and only Dom took me to the dungeon (in Chicago at that time called the LRA ) The first time he blindfolded me one of the ones that have music in them ? All I was requested to remove was my shirt . The second time same thing except I removed my shirt and pants . Each time another piece of clothing came off until naked . By the time the blindfold came off at the end of the scene i was already covered in a blanket over in the corner with him for aftercare.
needless to say one day the blindfold was removed and by that point i didn't care . I knew the people that played there and was okay . Then my first event happened . Anyone who lives in the Chicago area in to this knows about Sins and Kinky Kollege. It is a huge weekend event with well over 200 people in attendance . And here i was about to scene with all of these people around ! OH my I almost had a nervous break down . My Dom being a keenly intelligent older man calmed me and blindfolded me . About halfway through the scene he removes it and through my haze of sub space i realize no one is talking or pointing at the fat chick restrained and being beat . In fact most where admiring that i was taking the whip and talking about the scene and stuff .
I had an epiphany it didn't matter to them what my size was they only cared that i was being a good submissive . I really looked around me that night and that weekend and you know what ? I saw young, old, big , small . No one was looking at that we were all there to learn , buy great things ,play and meet others from every where that where just as kinky as us !
I was blown away my old view on the world had just changed I started dressing in sexy fetish wear for the evens and dungeons. I discovered my love of corsets and boy did i rock them . I was voted sexiest Halloween costume Yes me the big girl .I started to learn to love myself and be okay with me . Now its almost 10 years later i have slowly lost weight I've gone down 5 sizes since then and i want to lose at least 3 more I'm aiming for a 14/16 yeah that's still plus but I'm happy like I said I am not doing this to be skinny just healthier. I still get the hot guys that want to fuck me but not date me . The difference is I don't want to fuck them the rule in my life these days is if I'm good enough to fuck and beat you better believe I'm good enough to be seen with. And I'm happier that way after years I'm finally okay with who I am I'm not a Big girl I'm a great friend that cares about my friends and pack, a bit of a painslut masochist add in the primal all around submissive and you have ME Je_soumets.

8/21/2015 7:24:57 PM
I am me .. i am the person who if you ask a question will be honest , i am someone who will always care .. i am a lazy day spent watching the rain . i am the storm that rages outside .
i am the person that loves to please , and i am the person who seems to always needs .. i am thought in its most complicated form . yet i am a body with urges and only heat .
what i am is what i will become . who i am is ever flowing ever fluctuating ever becoming .
i am a lover , a friend , a confidant, a shoulder .
i am spirit , and flesh , dreams that grow and stretch ..
i am sometimes switchy and sometimes a brat .
and sometimes i may stretch and purr like a cat
i am the lover of pain i turn it inside and it becomes desire i ride the sharp edges of pain and pleasure .
i am a soul that seeks its completion. seeks its mate .. i am a submissive at the whim of fate .. i am me ..

8/21/2015 6:21:07 PM
Everybody is always talking about finding yourself .
Figuring out who You are as a person .
I know who I am and I'm all about losing myself .
My life has been no dream , but most peoples really are not .
I struggled , I still do . I'm not one of the rich or privileged.
I'm just me normal go to work when i can pay my bills the best i know how and face each day as it comes normal .
So I know reality i know what I'm capable of and how to keep it normal and in perspective .
I don't need to find myself because my real self is found when i allow myself to be lost .
Lost in the surrender i willingly give , lost in the power i give up , Lost in Your presence and authority. from the moment i kneel i am lost but that's okay because that's who i am I submit . I lose my self in the feelings and pleasure ,I become whole and free . I am happy and content and the world feels safe and secure for me . My whole focus is on You what you need of me what You desire from me . Your smile of pleasure makes me giddy that i have pleased you . When you are angry with me my whole world is a little darker because i didn't do as i should have . Now don't get me wrong I am playful and know you enjoy punishing me for that and the pleasure is both of ours . But when the punishment comes from the darker side . i may not like or want it but i will submit to it . It is in a word Me .. at my core and it settles something inside me gives me peace .
So while everyone is out there preaching about finding yourself .
I will gladly ignore them and continue to lose myself ..

8/21/2015 9:55:18 AM
Yes I know my profile states i have been a member since 06 . 
my profile was inactive for about five years .. plus i used the site to keep up with old friends friends that i now have on fetlife . i re did the pictures and about me a few months ago when i started back on this site so it is all updated . 

8/15/2015 10:14:45 PM
if you love me i need you to hurt me .. why you ask ? how can i you ask ? if i love you then i can never hurt you .. .. i am what and who i am. i am a masochist and i am a submissive .. i need you to need me i need you to hurt me and i need you to want and love to hurt me .. i don't like the pain just to experience the pain i want the emotion the feelings the build up the thought that you need to do this as much as i need you to . . as much as i also treasure a soft caress and a gentle kiss i also desire your hand grabbing my hair and your hand around my throat .. i want to see the look in your eye as i kneel before you staring up as if your my everything .. because you are .. the smile of satisfaction on your lips when i have completed your tasks for me or the smirk when i have failed and deserve punishment . i want to bend to your will and sometimes i want to almost break . i need to be shattered in in your lusts and rebuilt with your lips against my skin .. i want to anticipate your needs and wants to be useful to you in all the ways you need even if you don't realize you need me until its done .. i need to be essential . so yes i will say it again if you love me i need you to hurt me ..

8/12/2015 11:51:04 AM

seriously i don't know ..
I don't know the answer to every question
I don't know the question you want me to ask .
I don't know the reason why
I don't know the reason why not ..
I don't know what you need
I don't know what you want
I don't know what i need
I don't know what i want
I don't know why
I don't know when
I don't know where ....
I don't know .........
I do know what i am ..
I do know what i crave ..
I do know how my heart races when your near ..
I do know how my body hums when you whisper in my ear ..
I do know how your presence sets my mind at ease ..
I do know that even bound you hold the keys ..
I do know when with you i feel the desire to please ..

i cant always put what i feel or want into words sometimes i can only express myself in my deeds .. they way my body and mind beg to yield to you even on hands and knees .. .. but when
You ask me why .. I don't know it just is ...

8/6/2015 3:02:15 PM
what do people see when they see me ?? i have always wondered .. do they see the weight ? the boobs?? do they see how silly i can act because i like to make others smile ? i am a people pleaser i like to flutter around and chat and flirt and play .. but that's a facade .. yes i enjoy those things but they cover a whole person that many don't get to see .. im complex .. i don't even always understand what im thinking or going through all the time and its my head and life lol ... i have these whole rainbow of emotions i keep bottled inside .. when i play i sink into the pain it washes through me makes the world right i crave it and the head space but its not really submitting that is something i also crave but don't get to give .. i play with people casually which means i give up some but not all control lol i can let go enough to enjoy in that moment the smallest portion of all that i desire and need and its enough to keep me doing it in the hopes that someday i can truly give my submission and actually feel whole .. yes whole .. right now i walk around with a huge piece missing in my life but i do it anyway .. some days i want to give up say fuck it settle be incomplete because then at least i can be incomplete and not alone lol but i have tried that and it never works for long you cant be happy if you can never be who you are meant to be with the one person that is suppose to get it lol .. so i say again does anyone ever really see me ??

8/6/2015 2:56:04 PM

. i find it hard to explain to some people that im a submissive without a Dominant i feel incomplete .. i desire One person just one that i can surrender to and be safe in the knowledge that He will always push but never break me .. that he will guild me and make of me what he needs .. i love to make people happy and i want my future Dominant to be happy i want us to grow and become what we are meant to be .. i like cuddling and quiet time just because i want a D/s dynamic doesn't mean its always about restraints and scening .. while there is a time and a place for everything true submission comes before during and far after i don't just submit to get kinky sex or a spanking i submit out of a true desire to please and surrender ..

Je Soumets 

8/4/2015 6:55:19 PM
so .. why are people suck assholes?  i get a message from this creep today Backspace3612

calling me fat and a pig ,.. are you so fucking miserable that you have nothing better to do that send mean messages?? remember i didn't contact you asshole you sent them to me and guess what you don't have to look at me or talk to me .. some people sadly have no manners or sense of decency .. soo for future references if you are gonna send me mesages about my weight just fuck off i can lose weight you will always be a ass hat  

sorry for the rant 

2/3/2014 3:56:15 PM

i wrote this one night when i was just contemplating my life and myself   




have you ever looked in a mirror and didnt know the stranger staring back

ever walked down a street  and felt like you were running from your past 

stood in a room full of people yet were the only one around 

i hear the voice whisper in the night that you are alone you are alone 

see the blankness in peoples eyes when i walk bye  no recognition  not even good bye 

when all hope is almost gone  when i am lost and alone with nothing  and no one  

i slowly raise my eyes  look around  and realize that i am not lost i am found 

i look in that mirror  i meet those eyes  and i realize  i was only lost because i let myself be 

that  people saw me but i didn't see them  that  the voice i hear is me  that part that doesn't want to be found 

i look in that mirror and i see not a stranger  i see fear i see hopelessness then i look closer and realize thats only a part 

of whats in there . i see fire and heat i see the strength and will  .. 

i can let the fear and hopelessness rule my heart and be lost  or i can accept that it is a part of me but not the only part 

it is only a small portion of the thoughts ideas feelings  hopes dreams and love that is me every part is essential 

to my being it is what makes me me 

so today when i look in that mirror i dont see a stranger staring back i see the fear but it doesnt consume my heart  i see the whole that makes me and i am found ..

1/27/2014 10:10:55 PM

lol honestly i hate these things they never really tell a person who or what you are they are just words that we type and can be lies or exaggerations . i am who i am just ask me :) better yet get to know me ..

2/1/2012 7:35:27 PM

hmm i wrote this today  while i was thinking about alot of things  i hope it kind of make understanding me a little better :) because there are times i still dont understand myself ..


i live in a vanilla world with vanilla friends and roommates . they would never understand . i grew up being told never to submit to fight everything so for a long time i didn't even understand.
i always felt out of place like there was something broken in me that couldn't be fixed . i would wonder why cant i be like them or why am i so different ??

it was always there but didn't have a way out because i didn't know what it was . then i had a first hint in a book .. yes a book but something in that book touched that part of me that was dying stifled by the expectations and so called normal way of thinking . and yes that book led to a hunger for more like it to feed this inner part of myself i still at that time couldn't accept . finally came the day that i started a search to figure things out . i looked up everything and anything i joined groups and forums asked questions talked to people .. i was still scared still hiding .. i stepped out of my shell and went to a munch .. it was interesting but not what i was looking for . i was invited to a local dungeon and i will be honest i wanted to learn more and this seemed the safest way . so i went i watched i learned i even played .. then i saw it ... and my heart leapt in recognition..
it was a couple there they were having a public scene but to watch them was to watch art and poetry all wrapped in one. the ebb and flow of their connection in my eyes painted the air around them in brush strokes of colors . what looked cruel and harsh was softened by the look in her eyes and on her face the crack of the whip followed by a gentle caress .. it was beautiful .

i know i am a submissive i have accepted that part of me it no longer lays buried and hidden .. but sometimes i still feel a hunger that scares me i think of that couple and yearn there is a need that i don't know if i will ever be able to sate .. because it scares me to even say the word . what it means the power it gives . so for now i gentle it soothing away the yearning yet always wondering if .. i could maybe be ........


1/31/2012 11:46:53 PM

new entry .. 


so .. roommate said  she is moving maybe .. wants me to come with  ..  im kind of at a quandary  here  do i take a chance and go to another state  or stay in Texas ..  if i stay here i will need to figure out what i will do  since i am basically her care giver at the moment .. and while that doesn't take all my time  it will mean finding a new job  which is almost  impossible in a small town lol . or move to Mississippi . where i have a part time job and  living arrangements grr  i don't know if i want to just up and move 2 whole states away  .. so i have allot of thinking to do decisions to make .. *sighs* nothing is ever easy is it lol 







1/28/2012 2:00:36 PM



whats new .. unfortunately  nothing its days and times like this i miss Chicago  , 

i miss being part of the group of Bdsm ppl i knew  and i miss the friends i made there .

my roommates are vanilla so  when they ask whats wrong i cant just say  i miss playing that would lead to  big eyes and weird looks lol .. because of course they would ask what i mean by that :P 

i feel like im the odd ball out here and  its lonely as well lol  i could date i guess but it would  end bad ..  i have been there the expression in some guys eyes when you try to talk about  what you  need .. they either think you are sick to want that  or you end up topping from the bottom  and they are not comfortable with it ..  .. so i figure i can put this here where at least if it is read it will be understood ..  i hope everyone is having a wonderful day :) 




1/23/2012 2:58:15 PM

Yay  lol i actually get privacy for 3 whole nights .. maybe i will sleep  it all away and get caught up on it ..  okay a lil vague .. the roommate had some business   in beaumont  .. so wanted me to come with lol so i have my own room with no noise distractions or ppl moving around for a change lol 

1/18/2012 7:42:51 AM

okay new day new entry .. im a lil screwed up in the head by this entry  i guess i still cant get or understand it ... started talking to someone on here they were so nice  great to talk to i was even comfortable enough to try some online stuff which i normally dont go for because it seems pointless to me lol . 

 then because i couldnt do something that was a personal limit for me the whole attitude changed and it was like i was speaking to hyde ..  but what kills me the most is now im a bad submissive or at least i feel that way because i refused to do something that was so dishonorable that i think most would cringe .. i was asked to initiate sex with a friend who had only ever helped me  and has some mental issues which i tried to explain and do it with a cam going so someone could watch without their knowledge yet im made to feel like im in the wrong because i said no .. i mean  am i such a bad submssive  or person for having honor and saying no ?? 

sorry for the rant i needed to get this off my chest my feelings are a lil raw atm lol 

have a wonderful day 



12/4/2011 4:31:47 AM

Okay  so i know what a submissive but it seems to me that alot of ppl assume that because i am submissive it means  that you drop everything and do what anyone tells you to .. you dont know me i dont know you  to submit to someone requires trust  and 1 , 2 ,3  or even 4  emails does not mean i know you well enough to trust you with my safety and  health .. not trying to  anger anyone but if you find a submissive like that i would be worried about her or his mental health sounds self destructive to me . also while i appreciate  being what ever my One will want and need me to be .. if im not yours i am there fore not your slut or anything else .. if  you want a doormat look elsewhere i am not she . if you are looking for an intelligent  funny sometimes geeky in a sci fy  gamer kinda way  hey here i am :)  

i don't knock anyone's way of doing things if it works for you great  im just adding this to avoid it possibly in the future wasting your time  so have q wonderful day and i hope you find what you seek '



11/16/2011 9:59:27 PM

well been a long time since i have been here or even written anything .. im moving from illionois to texas this week new place  new adventure i hope :)  a little scary but im up to the challenge .  tbh i have been in a vanilla relashonship for a few years now and that just didnt seem to work out very well . this is my new start  so im  gonna make the best of it . wish me luck :D

2/18/2007 3:00:45 PM
my thoughts have been shattered a friend is dead i just found out she was so young and will be missed .. she is also here on collarme as biteme79 .. this is not a joke or a lie it was confirmed when i called her phone and her mom answered and told me .. i wil miss her so much 

1/30/2007 5:14:18 PM
finally the pic of my new tattoo is approved lol took long enough

1/29/2007 7:39:33 AM
omg .... okay okay i know info can be faked on the internet lol  but really if someone was pretending to be someone else why be a big girl??? lmao trust me barbie probly gets more hits  than the big girls .. also it would be stupid not to be me i know to many people on here and on other sites in rl from the munches and bdsm clubs lol . ( gasp ) yes i am actually a member at a local BDSM club and attend local munches .. could it be i am an actual real person !!! say it aint so lmao

1/29/2007 1:03:05 AM
okay the tattoo is healing up nicely .. pics will be forth coming . nothing new happening to date just  living my life as best as i can lol

................................ 8 hours later ..
okay photo added just awaiting approval 

1/26/2007 12:49:49 PM
okay new day new journal entry  well what is new you ask ?? i got a new tattoo on wed i like it lol it is a celtic knot with a BDSM symbol in it when it is better healed i will take a pic and post it .. guess that is all for the moment have a nice weekend ( i know i will)

1/19/2007 2:27:18 AM
ahhh well i guess it is journal time though i really have nothing to say except I Hate The Cold !!!! i feel like i cant get warm and that just sucks lol .
i dont know there is just something about that chicago cold it is wet and seeps down to your bones .. give me alaska any day lmao .. okay thats all i have to say tonight

1/17/2007 5:19:42 PM
okay i am gonna try to write in this journal a little bit more maybe to give you a peek into who i am ..( though honestly i hate to write ) i am 30 now as of september so no longer as young as i was 5 months ago *grins* i love to read . and just so you know i am a real person i am actualy very active in the local BDSM community and attend at least 2 events a year . so no i am not just one of those who read an erotica D/s novel and thougt it sounded cool ( though i do read them lol )
i am not a pain slut though if worked up right i can take a bit lol . i am bratty at times and no this is not out of a desire for punishment it is just how i act at times . well okay thats enough for today .

1/14/2007 5:21:00 PM
okay okay fyi i am happy with me i am not down on myself i was just stating what others say lol 

7/26/2006 4:41:21 PM
okay the pictures of me in a corrset are new pics i just took them the weekend after july 4th lol

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