My friends, its been nearly a year since I last spoke to you and even longer than that since you cared. I tried to rally support for a last minute presidential bid to overthrow that 7 headed snake Barack Obama. As you may or may not know my campaign was unsuccessful. I was so sure that I would win that I sold my church and my house and put that money into the campaign. I had my staffers working 'round the clock 7 days a week. I figured God would let them slide on the whole sabbath thing since its his will that I become President and restore this country to its godly roots.

I came out of the whole ordeal nearly nearly 1.5 million in debt and 900,000 of that was to a bookie I met through my Uncle Eugene. It was the lowest I had been since I got busted for smuggling Mexicans into the country over 10 years ago. I even stopped singing the praises of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around I was completely back to my old ways. Drinking, drugs, fornication, stealing, swearing, blaspheming. I was in deep, brothers and sisters.

I finally ran out of money and had to move in with my Uncle Eugene and his buddy Hector. Living there only made things worse. There was always booze and cocaine in the house and usually some other stuff too. I tried getting jobs at several local churches but word had gotten around town that  I was off the wagon and no one would touch me. Luckily, I was able to make a little cash slingin' herb for my brother, being the former pastor of a church with a large youth ministry has its benefits.

My good fortune didn't last long. One night after unloading 5 pounds of some dank-ass grand daddy purp, I decided to stop at a local saloon to celebrate. While I was there I met a young lady and escorted her back to her place where we engaged in several acts of illicit fornication. Two weeks later I found out that not only had she given me the time of my life, but she also gave me a very aggressive case of syphilis. The Lord was punishing me for backsliding into a life of sin. It was then and there that I repented for my sins and rededicated my life to the Lord. I checked into a Christ-centered rehab facility and cleaned up my act. I  got out last month and am now working as a youth minister at a local Baptist church.

I'm so thankful that the Lord didn't give up on me even after I turned my back on him and cursed his name. It's been a tough year, but I'm back and ready to stand tall for our Lord Jesus Christ. And now I have three years to work on my next Presidential bid. I know that God wants me to be President, he's just waiting until the time is right. Praise Jesus!