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Read the whole thing before sending any messages, pretty please =]
Hi there!
I am kitty, and I am a handful.
I am engaged to the most amazing, kind, caring, sadistic, loving Man I have ever met, and love him lots. He is my world, and I cannot imagine a place or time without him in it. He is my Penguin.
I am slave, pet, babygirl, adorable snuggly thing to my Bastard Jarl, and I love him lots to. He is growly, and snuggly, and sexy, and scary, and lovely all rolled into one big giant Domly-type person. He is my other Penguin.
I am all of these things:
*bratty
*cheeky
*bitchy
*loud
*quiet
*shy
*a contradiction of sorts
I have spent 3 years struggling with mental health illnesses, and still struggle. I am getting stronger each day with the help of my Penguins, but it is a long road, and I am lucky to have them, and some of the greatest friends around me to help. If you want to know more, ask and I will tell. I just ask that you do not judge, or make pre-conceptions about me. And that you will ask in private not in public.
I like to rant a lot, about anything and everything. I have a lot of anger and emotion pent up inside and the only way I can get them out is to have a good old rant.
So yeah, that's me. All bases covered methinks. Don't be shy, I don't bite... often.
I like receiving messages that ask how I am, show an interest in myself, the things I do etc. Not just a one liner or a copypasta, anything like these will be ignored, and any hilarious copypasta's will be passed on to friends for us to laugh about. You have been warned.
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I didn't write this, but it somes up my way of thinking, thought processes and why I act the way I do.
You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.
I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.
I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.
You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.
I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.
This is for you, but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more. |
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Stretching her legs out behind her, she crosses one ankle over the other, using her hands to walk her body forwards lowering it to the ground, she turns her head to the left and puts her right cheek to the floor, breathing sharply as the cold, harsh stone grates through her body. she pulls her arms behind her back and crosses one wrist over the other. her body still except for the movement of her breathing. Hearing His booming voice command her into Nadu, she slowly rises up from Bara. she calmly and gracefully pulls herself back into Nadu, sitting back against her heels, she opens her thighs wide. bringing her arms from behind her back she gently lays them on her thighs palms facing up. her back is straightened, slowly she lengthens her neck and lifts her chin, her hair falling around her face and down her spine, the harsh black of her hair making her skin paler and more exquisite. her sparkling blue eyes focus upon the floor, out of respect and submission to her Master.
As she waits for His next command, she holds her poise with perfection, staring a the floor, as He barks His next command at her, His growling sends shiver through her spine, making her move like a puppet on a string. "Sula!" He barks, and she moves, without hesitation, sliding herself forwards onto her front she gasps as the cold stone lightly teases at her nipples, her body filled with grace as she slowly rolls onto her back, bringing her arms into the sides she slowly turns them palm up, a sign to Him that she is ready. her legs move apart, the delicate line drawing the eye upwards over her calm, pale body. her head raised back a little, proudly displaying the collar, her hair falling around it, framing it. her eyes dazzling in the dim light of the room.
No sooner had she finished her movements, that His next command made its way through her body, causing her to rise once again, she gracefully settles back against her heals she gracefully brings her knees shut, stretching her back straight and elongating her neck, displaying herself respectfully and silently. slowly brings her arms forwards and places palms onto her thighs. her eyes look nowhere other than the floor in front of her.
After settling down for what feels to her like several hours, He finally leans down and brushes her hair away from her ear, and quietly hisses, "Whipping", making her shudder and once more moving her perfect form from one position to the next. she calmly closes her knees together and stretches her arms above her head, hands placed one over the other, she shakes her hair behind her, so that it waterfalls down her back, with the grace and delicacy of a butterfly she brings her hands down to the floor, her arms straight and her head buried between them. the soft flesh over her back and her behind, waiting for His voice.
The echo of His voice louder than ever before, the harsh words resonating off the cold stone. rising up from Whipping, she slowly places her hands on her head and slides onto the floor, in one fluid motion. her hair falling around her shoulders and down her her arms, hiding her face away from His glare. lifting her behind up from her kneel she pushes it higher than her head and opens herself up to Him. the glisten of her core visible as she holds herself out in display for Him. her dark hair blending into the darkness of the room, only her fair skin reflecting the light, displays her perfect form, her small feet pointed neatly and her dancers legs creating lines of vision towards her centre. the line of her back, from the nape of her neck to the base of her spine, draw the eye towards her centre. even the lines from her arms, down her sides and over her curves lead His eye to her centre. her body a picture of perfect symmetry and proportion.
“Table, kajira!His voice harsher now, without emotion, just cold and definitive. bowing her head she crawls forwards to Him, her frame low to the floor, the cold stone making her gasp with every movement. delicately folding her arms one in front of the other she keeps her head bowed, pulls her knees up, and holding her behind out straight, she forms the perfect line of vision over her milky white, soft and smooth skin. her centre shimmers in the light as she holds herself still, the only movement the small rising and fall of her chest as she breathes calmly. silent and patient. no longer a being, just an object for His use.
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~~~ I keep being asked what a kajira is, and so i wrote this essay on what being a kajira is for me, and i thought it makes a nice journal entry ~~~
What the fxck is a 'kajira' anyway?
Hmm well, a kajira is a slave from the world of Gor. The world of Gor originated from a series of books by John Norman, between 1966 - 2010. The books combine science fiction, erotica and philosophy to create a Counter-Earth situation, that is in part not dissimilar to that of our own Mediideally, although everday life has a tendancy to get in the way).
As a kajira, I practice slave positions daily and I carry out specific tasks on a daily basis for my Master. These range from writing an essay, learning a new position, serve or dance, or doing a piece of housework (boring!). There are 19 basic positions that a kajira should know, and that she should be able to perform on command. There are two types of dances, the need dances, which display the kajira’s arousal and want for her Master and the story dances, which tell a story about a various ‘goings-on’, each dance has sub-categories. Examples of the need dances are the seduction dance, the tether dance, the whip dance and the chain dance. Examples of story dances are the virgin dance, the lone kajira dance and the capture dance. A kajira should also know how to serve food and drink when required.
There is some speculation as to whether a kajira should always refer to herself in the 3rd person, or whether this should only be used as a punishment to remind her of her position. For me, I generally go by using it as a punishment, mainly because remembering to use 3rd person is just such a chore! If I have misbehaved or been disobedient I will use 3rd person to admit my mistake to Master in the hope that He will give a softer punishment (this rarely works though).
So, what is a kajira, well.. a kajira is a Gorean slavegirl. It is about as simple as that. =]
Kajira alyahs
x
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