UPDATE !!!!!!!!!

I am no longer looking for a DOM ... I Found one after many years of searching  I Found  my Dom and Mistress ..  Am exploring this life with two people i have come to trust and care for deeply ...

Thank you  Sir and Ma'am  for making my world right ... thank you for taking the time to understand me and helping me be better .. 

when the world is silent . and the stars are out ..
looking up at the sky i wonder where i got lost
Tears slide down my cheeks constantly and my heart bleeds
the pain i am feeling is all consuming my head says one thing and my heart says another .
How do you ask for help when you dont know where to start .
shutout alone Lost
when you dont know what end is up and you struggle day to day to keep your head up when all you want to do is curl up and hide ...
you make mistakes .. and just keep making the same ones ..
alone and crying .. this cant keep going on ... slowly losing your mind
you put on a mask to everyone else and hide your pain .. trying to be strong for everyone around you when they need someone to lean on and you are barely standing on your own .. taking on their burden because that is all you know ... trying to save someone else .. when you are drowning ... and there is noone there to save you .. struggling to breath ..
sometimes your thoughts turn dark . maybe things would be better if you wouldnt be there... maybe things would all be better with out you ... you fade away into nothing ... like the nothing you really are ...
is this being lost .. is there ever a way back .. if there is ... i wish i could find it

its safe in here ,
inside my walls of hurt
noone can reach me
noone can pull at my heartstrings
that is what i wanted
when i built this wall around
and i have done well
till i met you ... You pushed against the wall
chiseled it away
breaking it down brick by brick
leaving me open and exposed
then you left
for someone to come along and break it down
now i see what i had done . building that wall
while noone was able to hurt me
but you .. you broke me scarred me
built me back up only to let me fall again
What a fool i was .. For letting you get to me so easily .
Having that which i cant explain there and to be gone again
DAMN IT why WHY DID YOU BREAK ME ...
Do i build the wall back up to protect me or learn to be with out that wall
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME cause i am scared and afraid ... lost and alone
naked and exposed ..

Unsure!!!!!!!!!
this is what i want ... a collar .. a owner/owners
but i am so unsure scared

How do you take that step .. and jump..

what ifs  run through your mind .. causing this panic driven Fear that keeps you in suspended animation..

You stand there with your eyes closed trying to catch your breath  all you can hear is your heart pounding in your ears  drowning out all the noises around you

you push your self to the edge ... and teeter on the edge ...

you feel like a little child .. inside ... so scared and unsure ...

are the rewards more then the pain .. the fear of failure or disappointment .. Not in them but in your self ...

 
HOW do you  do it .. honestly   after taking the jump and crashing hard .. to only be left laying there  broken and bleeding .. the fear is unesscapeable .. it  holds you in its clutches
what if it happens again  ... can you trust that it wont .. or do you just run ...

Yeah i know my mo is to talk a good game but at last minute  choke and run .. I DONT WANNA RUN ... i want this more then anything ... so i am turning over a new leaf  I REFUSE TO RUN ..

but honestly  this journey scares me but not enough to stop looking and wanting

how sad is it i am sitting here on CM ... reading profiles instead of out  ... honestly i dont want to be out with all the drunks ...  yeah not everyone drinks but ...  dont want to take the chance i am a statistic...

SO whats everyone else doing tonight

OK heres the deal  some shit went down  in fort worth that really  upset me ..  so i packed up and  moved away from there ...

I am now in Knoxville TN  No longer in Texas ...  Honestly  I have given up on  finding anyone ... I am not even sure that  there is anyone out there  that would honestly get me or want even want to try to understand

Yet again  I DONT want to be someones part time play thing ..

If you cant understand ,.. I HAVE KIDS  they come first always above any potential owner .. or play friend ...

 Sorry  for ranting please forgive me .. just  some dont understand  me .. or how things are  for me

So its halloween ... another year passes and i  still dont know what  to do ...

torn into so many  pieces ..  the wind blows and parts are lost  parts i cant find ...

Hope everyone has a  Safe halloween ... 

is there any real people out there ...  lord i am still hopeing to  find  someone that understands me ..  and wants the real deal  somehow  i honestly dont think i will find it .. 

I’m a submissive woman, but don’t get me wrong, I am not a weakling. I am intelligent, proud and strong.

I can take care of myself my submission is my choice. I’m a very strong-willed woman who knows how to use her voice.

Then why, you may ask, do I choose to give up control? To allow another the power over my body, heart and soul?

There’s a certain freedom that I cannot quite explain; its trust, loyalty and devotion. Its passion, pleasure and pain.

It’s the wonder of knowing that I’m always cared for by another. I call him my Master but he is also my Mentor, Friend, and Lover.

He anticipates my wants, He knows my every need, and I know that my best Interests are at the heart of His every deed.

My heart swells with pride as he sits tall and proud on his chair; His loving girl at His feet, His hand resting possessively in her hair.

Everything I do, I do to please Him. His every wish, want and desire. I am not a materialistic woman; His smile is the only reward I require.

I have to laugh ..   There are those out there that dont get all that it takes to be in a D/s   M/s  relationship ..  they think its about the sex... Because of  the  Fools out there to get their rocks off  ( dont get me wrong  thats good )) .. those true to them selves and true to this lifestyle to those that are honest and true about what they want need and  crave end up hurt and  broken from the games they play  .. 

everyone has their  problems ... we all do  NOONE is perfect .. that is true ...

it takes time to  Build the trust it takes to have this kind of relationship..  not a Right here right now thing ..

as i say in my profile ..  I wont ask you for money (i got my own) i wont ask you for  your number ( not unless we talk for a while)  

what i will give you is a straight and honest answer to any of your questions..

I dont believe in concideration collars or protection collars ..

Either i am gonna collar you or you will decide you want to collar me after the  first 10 min we meet  Yes i said meet  meaning if we hit it off here and we may progress to meeting ...

then see where it goes after that .. 

Why must things be so difficult .. i guess its  lifes way of keeping you on your toes and awake

sometimes i wish i could go back and change everything .. but then i see why i did it cause it slaps me in the face... 

I am happy with the choices i have made reciently .. I am happy with things as they are ..

I cant go back to what i was .. what i had .. what it was ..  i can only move on .. into the future  and leave the past dead on the door step

Today is hot and sunny ....
here i sit looking at this page...
how is everyone today ...
my day is going ok