Wow... it has been quite awhile since I've been on collarme.  Not much has changed... I keep growing and changing and discovering that no matter how much I learn there is always MORE to explore!

An interesting thing happened today.  I was responding via email in response to a question:  How did I get into the lifestyle?

I realized as I was describing the slow descent into the madness of the bdsm culture... that I had never really made a concious decision to be in a "lifestyle".  There has never been a point where I have sat down and said to myself "I want to be...".  I have just always been.

My first relationship naturally flowed into a 50's household style relationship with serious D/s overtones.  It came naturally to me that his word was law... that standing in the corner would be a natural result of being disrectful of our house rules... that being paddled with the wooden paddle for doing something that could potentially harm myself was a forgone conclusion. 

Even when I have considered my living situation 'nilla my thoughts and emotions still reached for the connections that a D/s relationship has.

Now I'm not talking about the floggers, the whips, the wartenberg wheels, or the sharp ohmygosh I'm climbing the freaking wall what is that little son-of-a-bitch tiny switch that was just applied to tender backside *lol*.

I'm talking about those unspoken things.  Knowing that someone cares enough to place me inside an envelope that is sealed.  Not to keep me in "place" but for my protection.  Even if that protection sometimes feels binding... it's the knowledge that I can stretch my wings a little bit... and he's always there to pull me back.  It's a hard to describe feeling.  The closest I can come is that just knowing that the person your with is strong enough to say no and mean it... to make decisions and enforce them when needed... to make those hard decisions that I tend to waffle over - whether I like the final decision or not - because I know the decision is the best one in the end.

In the end... a lifestyle is just a bunch of words.  You can spend a lifetime playing lip service to it.  There are a million ways of describing it, of living it, of creating it.  There are never two lifestyles that are identical - thank god!

In the end... it just is.  It's that space that makes your heart beat, your mind be at peace, and your soul rest.  It's home.

It's been a very long time since I was on collarme.  I was a bit tired of the want-to-be's, the I-Want-A-Hookup'rs, and the "gosh your perfect... but I live 3 hours/4 states/an ocean away'rs.  I decided to give it another shot.  I miss having that special someone in my life and well... I figure that I won't find him if I don't look.  So... here's to looking!

For the sixth time today I received an email that asked me:  Are you submissive or slave; gorean, poly, bedroom only, or 24/7; etc etc. 
I personally HATE labels.  Every relationship I've ever been in has been different.  You interact differently with different people.  It's hard to slap a label on something that is always changing and evolving and growing... and unfortunately sometimes diminishing.  Each relationship brings with it changes.  When your lucky, your able to mesh your lives and expectations with reality and it's an awesome experience.

My response has always been... and will always be... that I can't answer that question. 

If we are on vacation and we don't have children around... I could be the gorean slave girl that caters to her owner's every whim 24/7.  In the bedroom I can be the harem girl that worships at your feet; in the dungeon I can be the submissive that delights in sadistic torment.

But come Sunday evening... reality will come back and I become a mother, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a web designer, and ultimately your partner.  At that point my submission still exists but it's tempered with all those things that make a relationship a relationship.  Friends, family, work and responsibilities.

There are some people that I react submissive to naturally... There are some people that I am deeply afraid I would have a hard time trying not to giggle at the thought of being submissive with them.

But in the end... what it boils down to - what I am and what I look for is very simple.

I won't ever kneel at your feet when I'm with my family, but I will bend over and whisper softly in your ear to find out if you'd like something to drink.  Because I'm submissive? no... not really... because that's just who I am.  I believe in taking care of the person I'm with; I enjoy having a partner that is stronger than I am, whom I know I can depend on when the chips fall, and that ultimately I can look to when it comes to making the decisions in our life but that I also know respects me enough to utilize my strengths and understand my weaknesses; I adore having a partner that isn't afraid to show me his weaknesses because he's strong enough and confident enough to understand that his dominance isn't a coat he takes off and puts on and that my respect for him doesn't come from his having to wear it 24/7.  My respect and submission both in and out of the bedroom comes from the knowledge that in the end... we trust each other enough to be ourselves without fear of rejection because we aren't "perfect".

Someone asked me to describe myself… and I realized that I can’t slap a label on who I am.

A name?  “pet” is that one name that just makes me want to curl up and snuggle, to be impish and playful, to play and learn and just enjoy.  It’s a name I associate with friendship, and caring, and being beloved and so much more.  It’s almost as good as getting my hair pulled!  But seriously… I realized today that even when I’m by myself, being single and unattached, that is the name that I still refer to myself by.  It’s the one that, in my mind, defines me, that resonates deep within.

A label?  I’m… what am I?  I’m a submissive in the bedroom, a woman who wants a partner in life, I’m a mother, a teacher…. And so much more…

Who am I? I’m…

• a submissive capable of kneeling serenely at her partners side secure in his hold and confident of her place;

• an instrument willing to sing as her partner plays her – an angel waiting to fly when he makes her soar;

• a woman that enjoys taking control and seducing her partner all the while within the knowledge that it is only by his desire;

• the little girl that enjoys snuggling knowing his shoulder is there when she needs to let go of the world around her and hide within his shadow – just for a little while;

• the fighter that takes a step out of her comfort zone… even when she’s trembling and scared and nervous;

• the rational female that believes in her inherit right to be indefinable and illogical – much like enjoying pain because it causes pleasure;

• the chameleon that hides quietly in the corner when she’s feeling insecure and unsure of her place in the world, who mingles and laughs and teases and flirts when she is surrounded by friends and people she’s comfortable with;

• the quiet mouse that enjoys curling up with a good book;

• the tiger that protects her child, who manages her life, who stands on her own feet and supports those around her, even when all she wants is someone to support her;

• the kitten that purrs at the weight of his hand on her neck, the tug of her hair, the slide of his fingers against her skin;

• the brat that wants to be a smart a%% and push her limits and the expectations just to know that he can yank her chain;  

• the fragile willow that sometimes feels like she’ll shatter at any moment even as she knows her strengths and bends and sways and remains flexible because she refuses to break;

• the imp that pushes and tugs and rebels until she’s restrained – just because she needs to know he will;

… me