SYNTHESIZER SYNTHESIZER!!!

MICRO POG MICRO POG!!!

The octaves.

I haz them.

Will be locked in my room all weekend

making noise.

-Lucy

Wow.

Slept for 12 hours. Felt amazing.

Also, I woke up to several missed calls, texts and emails.

Having friends is amazing, even when you're sleeping like a corpse. >)

Mwah,

Lucy

Hooray for arbitrary lists.

Current Favorite Guitar Tones (in no particular order)

Jucifer - The Lambs EP (ironically, the drums are tracked horribly. Worst snare tone ever.)

Kyuss - Blues for the Red Sun (Especially "Apotecaries' Weight". Dear Lord, I love that song.)

The Kills - Keep On Your Mean Side (I want to marry both of them so hard.)

Mwah,

Lucy

"They're fucking after us,/
my bathroom mirror is cluttered with colonial faces./
it's a fright, it's a sight, powdered chalky white./
You've got to, you've got to, you've got to rescue me/"

--The Blood Brothers "Rescue Me"

*commence the pitter-patter of my heart over Johnny's vocals*

Passport ordered, London tickets purchased and a whole mess of goodies headed my way in the post (including a synthesizer and a discipline cane. >) )


Plus a photo shoot tonight?!?!!

Somebody pinch me. Or slap me. Or tell me to slap myself.

I'm in love with 2012 already.

Watch this space, my loves, more good news to come.

Mwah,

Lucy

"I'll take it all, give me more/
I will be your hero and your whore/
Valium knights in my bed/
Only now, he's a vagrant in my head/"

-- Spinnerette, "Valium Knights"

*dances*

I would seriously drink tequila off of Brody Dalle's feet, a la "From Dusk 'Til Dawn".

Swooning,

Lucy

Had a truly amazing time in Austin. The burlesque show didn't work out, which was regrettable, but the reasons were entirely understandable considering the circumstances.

I did good today. I'm proud.

I was thinking on the drive home, this is the first year since I was sixteen years old wherein I will have no contact with either of the people I have truly been in love with. I wish them all the best, sure, and eventually I won't even be angry about what happened. I've come a long way regarding that anger.

Essentially, I think that this is a sign that it's finally happening. I call it "my year".  I've been saying that since 2007/08, that the new year would be "my year" and in reality things were just lining up to crash and burn. But I'm finally taking noticeable steps in the right direction.

That's a very, very good feeling. So good that it's impossible to put into words.

With love,

Lucy

AAAAGGHHH!!! (happy scream)

BFF joined CM! This is my ecstatic face.

Today is going to be wonderful. I made a lot of mistakes last night because I was upset and distracted (it was just a bad day in meatspace) but today is going to be a lot better.

I'm learning quickly.

Had the nightmare again but I'm shaking it off.

I love trips. Namaste, loveys.

Yours,

Lucy

 It's difficult to type and write lines simultaneously but I'll manage briefly.

I'm so happy I might explode.

To be told I'm good...

I know I make mistakes but I am glad to make them so that I can learn from them.

I just want to be the best Lucy I can be, loveys.

Good things, as I said, are to come.

Love always,

Lucy

Argh. Lucy is NOT happy. I'm not upset that I messed up, I understand that I am still learning. I'm just infuriated at all these pissant morons with their hideously tenuous grasp on the King's fucking English. If you can't read, you are messing up my business. If you mess up my business, I don't get paid. If I don't get paid, heads fucking roll.

I hate to be materialistic, but I know my triggers and inexcusable idiocy is a major one. It's the 21st century for God's sake, you can Google literally anything, there is no excuse for being unable to determine between the plural and singular form of ANY word.

Also, upsetting news about one of my cousins. I understand that redneck Okie blood runs through my lovely Lucy veins but does my entire family have to ACT like redneck Okies?

I miss the city. Well, I'll be there in a couple of days and moving there very soon. My patience, though virtually without limit, is being drawn whisper-thin. Again, argh.

As much as I'd love to laze about all day, watching season 1 of MST3K and playing with new music gear, I have to get things accomplished at some point.

I'm pretty much determined to get all dolled/tied up and get photos taken. I've been meaning to for days now but my dearest photographer has been busy and I don't want to pester her. That being so, I'll have to take matters into my own crafty paws. 

Have to get my passport straightened out (London in two months!), figure out New Year's plans (lots o' booze!), and generally just be a productive lil' thing.

2012 is going to be all sorts of beautiful. Care to join me for the ride? I can promise you that I'll make things very, very intriguing (and possibly lacy, frilly and bound).


Ever yours,

Lucy

P.S. ...if I'm successful in getting enough accomplished, maybe she'll let me call her Mistress. Or Miss. Or anything, whatever she prefers to be called. Dare I dream? Watch this space, loveys, updates to follow. Also, I'm pondering changing my CM handle to Gearslut, as inpired by gearslutz.com. New handle for the new annum? After all the world is supposed to be ending. >) Hmmm...

Sapiosexuality.

This makes me very, very happy. There IS a word for it...

"Here's an e-mail that I sent out a while back on what I mean by sapiosexual. The message was in response to "What gender do you prefer in sex and/or a relationship?"Me? I don't care too much about the plumbing. I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and evil sense of humor.I decided all that means that I am sapiosexual. I want to fuck with peoples minds. :)I invented this term while on too little sleep driving up from SF in the summer of '98 and I'm trying to propagate it as much as possible. So please use it when appropriate...But where's the gender in all that? That people that I find like that also happen to have marvelous, wonderful bodies happens to be a perq. Flesh is fun...You can only fuck someone for so long (5-8 hours is finite) but you talk forever."~ Darren Stalder

I.

Love.

Acupuncture.

So, so hard.

Imagine that, me enjoying needles jabbed into my skin. Who would've thought? >)

Apparently my spine is more crooked and my hips are more twisted. Woohoo!

Is it normal to like backs so much? It's my favorite body part on partners. Yeah, when I'm scoping out the pickings I'm checking backs. Go figure. Shoulders, mmmmm...

It's a good day for doing things. I'm thinking vampire movie, schnapps and bondage photography maybe? We'll see, kots and koshkas. We'll see.

My take on Walt Whitman:

I am lithe. I am porous. I drink moments.

>)

Chains on the Wallet: Observations on Financial Domination

“For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

- 1 Timothy 6:10, KJV

Nota bene: Written at the instruction of member linkadink, as per said member's stated requisites.

     The 21^st century is an era of unmitigated redefinition and the BDSM lifestyle is changing, adapting and making use of the myriad new opportunities at its disposal. Social networking, online banking, community sites and the advent of the wiki have torn the curtain of secrecy that once encircled the BDSM community and its members are unafraid of a critical gaze, welcoming the chance to assert themselves in the age of instant gratification. One of the most apparent signifiers of the new global community is the ease with which money can change hands, instantaneously and covertly. In the BDSM community, this has ushered in a new dimension to the practice of financial domination. With the aid of online money transfer services such as PayPal, financial domination has to be considered in a new context in order to fully understand its importance and its reach.

     Financial domination is nothing new. The exchange of power inherent in paying financial tribute to an owner, master or Dom has been in existence since the advent of currency. In fact, this form of control is perhaps one of the most common within the BDSM community due to the ever-increasing glorification of money in the lives of consumers inhabiting a capitalist economic structure. One has only to turn on any news network to observe the godlike status that finance has assumed around the globe. With this amount of clout, the use of money in a dom/sub relationship has become representative of the cold, mechanical discourse made possible by online interaction, completely removing the possibility of physical contact while still maintaining a system of control between master and slave.

     In essence, the practice of financial domination is appealing to some submissives because it is another form of prostitution. If the end result is taken into account, the exchange of favor for money is, at the most basic level, no different from the exchange of sexual actions for money. The customer (the submissive) is paying money for the opportunity to receive gratification from the seller (the dominant). Regardless of the specific gratification that is exchanged the basic nature of the transaction remains the same. In fact, this type of exchange can be considered a revolutionary form of prostitution because it removes the element of risk inherent for someone exchanging gratification for money. In the worst case scenario for this type of sexual transaction, the dom risks only the loss of a potential contributor, entirely avoiding the danger of physical harm or blackmail. Given the right circumstances, such an exchange can take place virtually anonymously with the use of screen names or handles in place of a face-to-face encounter. In this way, financial domination becomes a specific kind of prostitution, one very well suited for a digital environment. It becomes a prostitution of efficiency, excised of the risk of (undesired) extortion or coercion.

     The appeal of this system is undeniable. The merits of it, however, are debatable. In removing the possibility of face-to-face contact the practice of financial domination carried out entirely online loses the personal aspect that can make dom/sub relationships truly emotionally arresting. Indeed, the dichotomy of financial domination itself, whether enacted online or in person, can relegate the master/slave relationship to the domain of capitalist exchange and thus become inherently contradictory to the spirit of BDSM practice. Of course, the fundamental aspects of the BDSM lifestyle are subject to individuation and personal interpretation, but its status as a lifestyle embraced by a minority demographic cannot and certainly should not be endangered. By removing the intrigue of the lifestyle and equating it with something as banal and omnipresent as a consumer-based capitalistic commodity-exchange system the entire essence of said lifestyle is threatened. At its core, BDSM gains its fascinating, challenging characteristic precisely because it is inherently contradictory to the heteronormative, societally-dictated notion of acceptable emotional pair-bonding. To cast it altogether into the cold, clinical light of a strictly profit-driven methodology is to surgically excise the very elements that create the beauty of the lifestyle.

     That being said, the practice of financial domination is undeniably a deep-seated part of BDSM practice for countless dom/sub relationships and, as such, it should not be construed as an entirely negative activity. The practice is an essential element of the concept of power exchange and, as stated earlier, it has become increasingly relevant in a society as obsessed with finance as ours obviously is. Clearly, the practice cannot possibly be removed from the lifestyle nor should it be. The position posited by this essay it that the practice of financial domination should be reviewed in the context of the master/slave relationship as a whole in order to prevent it from becoming unnecessarily exploitative of new adherents or practitioners. If the practice is allowed to be mishandled by those who wish to subsume themselves in it strictly for exploitative, profit-centric purposes then the integrity of the entire community is threatened in a very real and palpable way. BDSM is unequivocally founded on a currency of emotional/physical/psychological exchange and should not, for the sake of the lifestyle itself, be infiltrated by anyone who wishes to take advantage of the submissive nature of contributors solely to obtain gifts. The entire situation is necessarily difficult to evaluate because of the conditions under which relationships that include financial domination exist. To wit, tribute is often paid in an environment of self-denial on the part of the sub with a direct correlation to the attitude of emotional distance on the part of the dom. Unfortunately, it is the essential appeal of the practice that endangers it to callous abuse of the trust implied in a dom/sub mindset.

     In the evaluation of the practice of financial domination it is necessary to approach the matter with a sense of tact and respect. Castigating all adherents of the practice as greedy or unnecessarily exploitative is not only dangerous, it is also akin to the stereotyping and ignorant judgment that is the everyday bane of countless members of the BDSM community. A stance against the practice in and of itself is a surrender to vitriolic ostracism that can quite easily cause rifts within the community, further increasing the risk of unwanted and unnecessary emotional torment. However, a position of lackadaisical tolerance is no better in its potential for harm and destruction of trust and relationships. On virtually all of the major BDSM community websites, profile after profile can be found in which the entire purpose of the member's presence is quite apparently to solicit funds and gifts from submissives. While this is perfectly understandable within the confines of such websites, it is statistically impossible and a gross excess of naivete to assume that all those who create such profiles are truly interested in an actual dominant relationship. This can be discerned by observing the sheer lack of effort put into maintaining such profiles which, more often than not, contain nothing more than a few photos, a username and link to a PayPal account with harsh instructions for subs to simply deposit funds and to avoid contacting the alleged “dom”. In this case, a willing submissive could quite easily be taken advantage of in a distinctly unhealthy way while remaining completely ignorant of the malicious intent of the solicitor due to the subdued, accepting manner in which a large number of subs conduct their online interactions. Because of this, a firm stance should be assumed by the community as a whole to ensure that none of its members are being victimized by those who would seek to make a mockery of the spirit of dominant relationships by reducing them to nothing more than a means to make quick, easy cash.

     To further explore the natural vulnerability of submissives to this kind of exploitation, members of the community must keep an open mind to intensely variegated expectations and desires of new members as well as experienced members. They would all do well to remain mindful of the plethora of misconceptions and untruths branded upon the entire BDSM lifestyle by mainstream media and popular culture and should not be surprised or reactionary when curious or inquisitive persons posit questions, whether on message boards, in chatrooms or in person. The very fact that this lifestyle is horribly misrepresented in popular culture, let alone in the mainstream American mindset, should be entirely apparent, even obvious, to anyone with even minimal experience in the lifestyle.

     If members can keep this reality, however unfortunate and unfair it may be, at the forefront of their interactions with fellow members, a great deal of the power can and will be removed from detractors, whether inside the community or out. It should be standard practice for new submissives to be thoroughly informed of the potential dangers of this lifestyle and no effort should be spared in assuring these fellow practitioners of the very grim reality of the abuse and exploitation that unfortunately occurs within seemingly legitimate relationships. All practitioners who wish to engage in submissive financial domination should completely understand the mantra: “I am a submissive because I have made the decision to actively pursue a submissive lifestyle to a degree that I determine based on my own expectations and knowledge. I am making the decision to be exploited by a master/dominant in a financially dominating relationship because I have sufficient reason to expect that I am not being exploited by a person operating solely under selfish pretensions that have nothing to do with the spirit of a true dom/sub relationship.” An attitude of this caliber will be a major step towards removing the scourge of exploitative pretenders who reduce themselves and their victims to the level of shameless prostitutes with no regard for the lifestyle they are mocking by their very misuse of said lifestyle.

     It is lost on no one that relationships within the BDSM community are best avoided by the faint of heart of those possessed of a weak constitution. However, it is a disservice to oneself and others to assume that all practitioners are either hardcore veterans or ignorant onlookers who are only out to satisfy a sickly disrespectful voyeuristic urge. Though it would certainly be convenient and expedient to operate in a dichotomous world separated into polar absolutes, such a reality is simply unrealistic and, were it even attainable, it would not be sustainable.

     Human beings cannot and do not effectively pursue and maintain relationships based on a system of absolute, immutable conditions. This lifestyle, these relationships, are successful if and only if they are tailored to suit the needs of all those involved. To expect another to conform to one's own personal interpretation of what constitutes an effective and honest relationship approaches the realm of the blasphemous when viewed in the context of human relationships of any kind and any depth. As stated previously, BDSM relationships, in a very specific and characteristic fashion, are based on a system of emotional, physical and psychological discourse and exchange. The precise nature of this exchange varies from relationship to relationship but is categorically different at its core from heteronormative relationships, simply because of the nature of personal interaction that occurs with them. This categorical difference is the prime source of the beauty and efficacy of these relationships and without this difference there would be no need for a community and no reason to give a damn whether or not fellow members were being taken advantage of in an unhealthy way.

Without question, there will never be a permanent, completely effective solution to the problems which arise from widespread misconceptions that plague the BDSM community, or any community, for that matter. Though this is not at all a sufficient reason or excuse to ignore the problem of individuals becoming prostitutes because of greed and the pursuit of the omnipotent dollar. In order to maintain individual and communal respect and integrity it is necessary and of urgent importance to ensure that no one is exploited because of their ignorance or submissive nature. Their submissive nature should be celebrated in a legitimate relationship with a dominant that chooses to instruct or own them. To do otherwise or to passively allow such perversions of the communal spirit to take place is to engender an atmosphere of mistrust and disrespect that can only lead to a fractious and unhealthy community.

On A Book of Japanese Short Stories

I have passed between them,
hand to hand,
I have taken the place of words.

Full of lines he finds familiar,
I am the sum of things he's learned.

The grace of the fingers that bound me
and littered my insides with ink
is borrowed, but sincerely.

He hopes that I will convince her
to go with him for a drink
or a walk through foreign streets

or that at the least
she will pause
and entertain the thought.

And isn't that the point anyway?
That I should cause
something.

Wrote that years ago. As with most things that truly matter, it has redefined itself.

Lordy, who'd believe it? Take a picture, this doesn't happen every day.

AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!


Just won a vintage 1969 Harmony Stella with original Fender headstock for an amazing price on eBay.


This is my ecstasy/guitargasm face.

Will be posting photos as soon as she gets here.

Kicking myself. Promised myself I'd stop doing the whole "cryptic depressive-phase post" thing. It feels...I don't know. Good. It feels good to have someone ask if I'm ok but I hate worrying people. I told myself I'm going to stop doing that. It is not good for anyone. So I deleted it. That's actually a major improvement. Especially after all that happened last month.

Anyway, here's to no more disturbing (well, not TOO disturbing) posts.

Here's a poem instead. Everyone likes this one. I really don't know why. I think it's pretty awful but it got published so I guess some people like it.

"The Prodigal's Afterparty"

There is a story in the Bible
about a god made of silver, gold
bronze and clay,
and it occurs to me that if such a thing
were to fall and shatter
it would make a sound
that would ring in the ears of dead men
and children yet to be born.

But I look sharp,
dressed for a funeral,
and I push the thought
of broken gods out of my mind.
Before it goes
I see the scattered pieces
of the idol swept up
and packaged neatly,
stored for later use.

Reassembling things gone wrong
is part of the mortal pattern
and I suppose that
such an idea should prove reassuring.
I am not
comforted.

Because the pattern is a network
of fibers and nerves,
impossible and dense,
defiant to the point of
exhaustion.
Truth is a difficult thing,
it clings to my skin like red clay
and no water can wash it away.

As she said:

I want to be, to find myself, at the edge

                       to gaze into the center

to find myself stranded

                    alone

                                            a bare-stripped beggar

loose-lipped

upon the breaking apart of the world.

I want nothing but the extreme.

                         I want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes

 chasing Alice down into the tar-pit of her self-negation

I want you

               I want to see you

to peer out from the slats of light

             drifting through your ribcage

 I want to be friends.

                                                                       I love you, Texas loves you and the God(dess) of your understanding loves you.               Peace always, understanding ever, namaste, may the road rise up to meet you.

on the P.S.

I so fucking wish I had red hair. I mean, I HAD red hair years ago...

I hate being blonde. It's only good for being told I look like Kurt Cobain, though those sorts of comments abated after my hair was shorn off.

Growing it back though

                                                    so much easier to pull at that length, don't you think?

"strands of my hair on her pillow

like spun gold"

                            I wrote that once. It wasn't very good.

I'm getting better, though. At writing, I mean.

Know how I know?

                                   ...i'm starting to frighten myself.