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I ask nothing, yet demand much more than most can give.
Drop me a note if you understand...
A quick thank you to all the applicants, including those who clearly can't read the simple requirements listed below.
Please see my partner's profile (NurturingBytch) for more information.
**************************************************
I'm looking for a serious submissive who understands what service really means. She must understand that she will be property; well-treated, cared for, perhaps loved. But just property. Treasured, perhaps, like a much loved pet, but always second in my affections to my partner. Secure and confident in her place in our lives.
I am in a committed Dom/Domme relationship; we are equal partners in all things, so being bisexual would be best for my submissive. My partner has her own toys to play with, and while we share, I am looking for a toy who will be mine. We are sexually monogamous, and it would require a very special person for that to change.
This isn't just about D/s activities. My sub must be intelligent, able to hold up her end of the conversation. She must enjoy being part of our social life, doing vanilla things, travel, theatre, music. All of the things that make a complete, well-rounded, life.
Not looking for cyber, men, or endless email correspondence; just real time, with real people (which I know is a lot to ask of the Internet).
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A quick report on last Saturday night at the new club.
Overall, a pretty good experience. About 80 people attended, but with over 10,000 sq ft of playspace it wasn't crowded. They're still working on the heating and cooling issues, and the very high outdoor temps and humidity didn't help. However, the areas with the ceiling fans stayed sufficiently cool to play in (though more fans are needs).
I found myself starting the evening off with an impromptu class for a half-dozen newbies on impact toys (what they were, how they were used, what effects they create) based on the small selection of toys we brought along. other folks wanderd over to add to the lesson or ask questions.
I hadn't really planned on playing, but after our little lesson session I had a few requests to do so. I'm not someone who likes the heat, but did manage to soldier on with two very nice sessions. There's just something about about feeling a masochistic submissive's body shudder with joy under your hands that makes all the effort worthwhile.. |
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Once more into the breach, dear friends....
Yet another D/s club will be opening in the Philadelphia area next weekend. Will this one survive? Odds are that it will succumb to the same politics, clique-ishness, and backstabbing bad-mouthing that has killed every other club in the area that has attempted to make a go of it. We shall see...
NB and I are loaning the club some of the equipment from our own dungeon, and NB will be holding some classes there, should it still exist in a month, for all you CD/TG folks in the local scene. We'll keep you updated. |
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What's with the 20-something women who can't hold a simple conversation in email? When you message me and start a conversation, please try to hold up your end. If you can't manage to be mildly interesting when you have all the time you need to compose a message I can only think you'll be incredibly dull in real life. And good looks only hold my attention for a very brief period.
Articulate and intelligent wins every time.
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Folks -
If you are going to pretend to be multiple people on this site; dom/me, sub, switch, male female & trans, at least show a little creativity in the profiles, and please, don't forget that each imaginary profile should have a different set of pictures!
Oh, and don't log into the profiles one after another, either. At least give them a few minutes between each login so that the multiple profiles you use don't show up one after another in standard searches.
Unless, of course, you just doing this for our entertainment and to troll the people that don't catch on. |
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It's been quite a while since I've written anything here. Ah well, life goes on, at the moment on a pretty even keel. Still casually looking for a submissive, but happy with life as it is. Busy with work and on making my life better. What more is there to say? |
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Here in the real world (as opposed to on-line) I know perhaps two dozen people who have active accounts on collarme. A few are close friends, most are casual acquaintances I know from the regional scene. None are people that I have met first through this web site.
While talking with a few of the Doms over the past few months they have all regaled me with their tales of all of the great play they have had with subs/slaves they’ve found on collarme (and/or similar sites). No long term commitments, just women they play with maybe a half-dozen times before they move on. A few have these once or twice a month relationships that have gone on for a year or more. And without fail, these Doms all tell me how fertile a hunting ground online sites like this are for them.
Now I know that none of these men are available for a permanent or long term relationship (and many I doubt are capable of one, regardless of their circumstance), yet they have no trouble getting women whose profiles claim that’s what they are looking for and that they are experienced in both WiitwD and real life. So I often find myself asking these guys how they manage to find so many willing partners. After all, I’ve been in the scene for a long time, am considered not bad looking, yet, while I seem to have made a couple of good online friends among the sub/slave community, I have little to no success finding someone to commit to being my sub/slave in the real world (casual play doesn’t count).
Alas, I can’t use the method that make these Doms so successful in finding “relationships”; I have the unfortunate trait of being honest with the people I talk to; I don’t play games, I don’t avoid answering difficult questions, I don’t give people the answers I think they want to hear. Honesty can be brutal, and while I may occasionally sugar-coat the truth, I don’t avoid it. And I don’t lie.
I make what I want plain in my initial profile. If I commit to you (and it’s definitely a two-way deal) you will be treasured and cherished more than most women ever dream of or desire, but there will always be someone else who has the biggest share of my heart. (The lyrics from Meatloaf’s “Two out of three ain’t bad” do a good job of telling the story; it’s just the woman who holds my heart is part of my life and would be part of yours).
C’est la vie. |
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Been off the site for the last 6 months or so; the real world has it's own demands. ;)
It will be interesting to see if anything here has changed. |
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What is it with people who want no more than to be emailed detailed pornographic fantasies, yet pretend to be looking for real life experience? If you want online erotica, there are plenty of places to find it. Be honest in your profile if that's what you are looking for.
Personally, I get paid for my writing; if you want customized erotica, talk to my literary agent. |
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It is so sad when people can't let go.
As many of the friends we have made here are aware, our last submissive left us, of her own accord, about a year ago. She was a casual play partner and friend of NurturingBytch when NB and I first got involved. When she saw that NB and I were serious about each other, she insisted on a contract, subletting her to NB from her Master who was temporarily unavailable.
We made an effort to include her in almost everything we did; she had keys to our home, we helped her out, both financially and with furnishings, to buy her own home, supported her in her relationship with her children, and did our best to give her the time and attention she needed.
When NB and I moved in together about 18 months ago, we let her know that we needed a bit of time ourselves to get settled, but that she was a welcomed part of our lives.
Apparently. this wasn't enough for her. Without any warning, she broke off her relationship with us and started bad-mouthing us to all of our mutual friends; threatening them that if they talked to us she would cut them off as well. Obviously most people found this a bit irrational and kept us up to date about what she was doing and what she was saying about us, despite the fact that we asked them not to and that she had made her own choices without including us in the process.
She was an adult and welcome to her own choices; she also needed to live with those choices and her decisions to attempt to make trouble for us were a bit baffling, but c'est la vie.
When she cut us off and made it clear she didn't want contact, we refrained from making any contact, despite the large sum of money owed that was lent to her to help with the down payment on her home, or the thousands of dollars worth of furniture lent to her to help her out. It's all water under the bridge and you live and learn; we already knew that you never loan money to friends with the expectation of getting it back.
While perplexed by the turn of events, we were more than able to move on with our lives; wishing her well and putting her relationship with us behind us. Then we are told by a mutual friend that she is coming around the house where we lived, and when questioned about it, claims that she can go anywhere she likes and there's nothing wrong with what she is doing. She has no reason to come around to where we are; she has no business or personal reasons to be in this area; she does/did it strictly to keep an eye on what we are doing.
We find this of some concern, but let it pass, doing no more than changing the locks to which she had keys and resetting the alarm codes.
The next thing we find out, from friends on this site, is that she is creating fake profiles here to sling mud at us and to create problems. Apparently someone told the management here because the "attack" profiles she created were eventually deleted, all at the same time.
It's sad that she feels the urge to do these things, and little of what we have been told about her current life sounds good for her. I don't know how much of her current situation she has brought on herself, but she really needs to face the reality of it and get on with her life.
Surprising as it seems, we remain her friend, whether she chooses to accept that or not. She would have to go a long way to earn our trust again, but she remains our friend, despite what she has attempted to do. The futility of it is sad, but there is little we can do about it.
I'm sure I'll soon be hearing from friends that one of her many profiles on this site (I have no idea which profiles they are; I never even look at the one I do know about), has some insane diatribe about this entry in my journal, but refers to it only obliquely.
We wish her well and hope that she can get her life to some place where she is safe and secure in reality, and not just in her imagination. Everyone deserves that.
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Whether religious or not, this time of year can be a difficult time for many. I hope that you all are able to deal with the holiday season as you may, be it in joyousness or depression, and come through ready for the new year and the challanges and adventures it brings.
Happy holidays to you all.
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Seems my email here is working only sporadically. CM support says it works fine but I've heard from a few friends that they've sent me messages, yet nothing turns up here. Guess I might have to create another profile just for mail (which seems kind of silly).
Anyway, if you try to reach me and I don't respond, drop a note to my partner (Nurturingbytch) and I'll followup. |
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Wow!
After a couple years here on CM I finally got one of those completely irrational emails/blocked user actions that you read about in so many profiles.
I sent a message off to a profile listed as a submissive female. The author claimed to be a woman who was dominant, but would switch for the right person, and was looking to send out her husband for training.
I sent a brief message suggesting that there was no lack of unattached male subs, but if they were interested in being trained as a couple, that made for a much more interesting relationship dynamic and would present a challenge that we would find interesting. That was pretty much the entire message; no judgements, no demands or insults. Just an offer to begin discussion.
In response I got a long angry email, of which about 90% had nothing to do with the single paragraph of introduction I had sent, and, of course, the apparantly obligatory block on sending a reply. Most of the reply had the lookand feel of a boilerplate, so I'm sure I'm not the first person to receive this response.
At best, the author is a complete fake and just trying to con people online; at worst, it is a real person who is a ticking time bomb (that will hopefully hurt no one).
If the author is a real woman I hope that they will consider the following, and remember that therapy is only a phone call away:
pro·jec·tion (pr -j k shn)
n.
- The attribution of one's own attitudes, feelings, or desires to someone or something as a naive or unconscious defense against anxiety or guilt.
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While most of the profiles on the site are written to attract attention, and can usually be relied on to have only minimal connection to reality, every now and then someone writes something that, albeit unintentionally, actually exposes more of their real personality than they would probably have liked to have shown.
The most egregious examples are the closet bigots. If you were to ask them to their face if they were a bigot, they would vehemently deny it. If you pointed out their behavior to them, they would claim you were misinterpreting it or simply misunderstood them.
Fortunately, they’ve let their true beliefs seep into the limited amount of information they’ve chosen to post here. It certainly is an effective filter, and has probably saved me (and others that have noticed) countless hours pursuing fruitless relationships.
If you are wondering what I’m referring to, I’ll give you a generic example (since citing specific profiles is not allowed). It goes like this:
You’ll be reading a profile; the person sounds interesting, fits your criteria in some fashion, and has provided a decent amount of information about them. Then you come upon one or two sentences where they suddenly display vitriolic hatred about some group, painting with a broad brush everyone who even remotely might be construed to fit their preconceived notions about the group they hate. Usually the defining characteristics are ethnicity, physical appearance, political affiliation, religion, sexual orientation, or surprisingly enough for a site like this, lifestyle choices.
These people are so convinced that their worldview is the only correct one that they have developed a pathological hatred for anyone who doesn’t agree with them, yet they are blind to their own bigotry. Fortunately, this blindness is what protects the rest of us; it’s as if they are wearing a sign, visible only to others, that proclaims them for what they are.
At least that makes them easier to sort out than many of the liars, fakes, and wannabes; in their own way, they can be far more dangerous. |
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Looks like it might be time for part two of my Anatomy of an Online Relationship journal entry. I'm not quite sure about how to phrase this one, though so it might take some time to fully develop the concept. In this case, the profile usually read something like this:
I've been in the lifestyle quite a few years and have finally found the perfect one for me. My Master meets all fo the requirements that I thought would never be reached, and I am finally happy for the first time in my life. We've been together for (enter reasonable time period here, usually between 6 months and 2 years) and it just keeps getting better. He is everything to me. (Enter usual diatribe about people who harrass the happy sub/slave online and their need to grow up and get a life, a sentiment that I actually agree with).
At some point this entry makes it into their journal or entry:
Master has granted me permission (or desires that I do so) to find another bi-female to join us.
(Usually they'll be a long justification of why this is a good thing, though every now and then the more realistic slave/sub will announce that they really don't agree with the idea, but are going along with it for their Master)
Poly is tough, folks, and there are few relationships that can handle it. And if everyone involved isn't on the same page (and they rarely are) someone is going to get hurt; usually badly.
I'm not advocating that you have to be happy with what you have and not to rock the boat. Realtionships need to grow and mature to survive; my point is that you need buy-in from everyone involved to make these kinds of life-altering changes to a relationship. And you'll still be risking your primary relationship.
This, of course, applies primarily to the bedroom-focused D/s folks who frequent this site. If you are BDSM-focused, not sex focused, it's a different story. Not necessarily an easier path, but one with very different dynamics. Those of us on this path are much rarer than the former, especially here at cm.com.
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Really getting tired of the fakes on this site. The damage they do to others is difficult to repair and running a rescue operation was never something I expected to be doing.
Between the fakes and wannabe bedroom players online (not just here), and the moronic politics and games being played in most of the real world groups in the area, looking for qualified candidates has become a huge PITA.
/rant |
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What is it with people who change their profiles and pretend the previous profile never existed? When you've been here for a while you notice the same profiles changing orientation (Slave/sub/switch/dominant) as if they were musical chairs.
This doesn't include people who explain the journey or reasons that they have changed their perspective on the lifestyle; there are people who honestly rethink their BDSM orientation, but it's not all that common, and certainly not as common as this site would lead one to believe.
I could point out plenty of examples of profiles that have changed repeatedly over the last few years (but the rules here prevent that); the scary thing is that almost all of them talk about how "real" the author is, yet they always seem to ignore the fact that they've gone 180 degrees from their previous text. Perhaps they think that no one reads their profiles; more likely no one has ever believed them.
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So what exactly is the point of posting a blank profile? Kids/spouse come in to the room while you were surfing the web? |
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The percentage of people around here who are no more than “do me’s” continues to astound me. Far too many are looking for someone who will provide for them, be it sexual services or whatever.
You need to remember that even kinky relationships are still relationships. It’s not just a matter of having someone to fill your needs; you need to be able to fill theirs, as well. And not just the ones you want to fulfill; you need to be able to fill the ones they need filled.
So many try to top from the bottom; most without even realizing it. Take a look at many of the submissive/slave profiles on this site that list all sorts of limits. This isn’t a case of SSC, it’s just that these people are setting limits on their own without any regard to potential partners. And I’m not talking about practical limits (can’t relocate, single people only, etc). Do people really think that they have to list “no children” in their profiles? Do they believe that just because people here are kinky, that they are pedophiles? Worse, do they think that listing such a thing would actually stop a pedophile?
This, of course, is the extreme case. But there are still many profiles that provide a laundry list of thing s that the person won’t consider. Have they considered talking to potential partners and finding common ground before setting long lists of restrictions?
By creating those restrictions you don’t just filter out people with interests that might not match your own 100%, you also lose the chance to meet that perfect person; no one is a 100% match and anyone who thinks Mister or Miss 100% is out there is likely to spend their life very lonely or in a series of bad relationships. You perfect partner is out there (I’ve been fortunate enough to find mine), and I guarantee that your interests don’t match 100% (How boring would that be?)
WIITWD is still about relationships. If you can’t maintain one in the vanilla world, you won’t be any more successful here.
And BTW, the online world isn’t reality (just in case you were wondering). |
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After being involved in the lifestyle, off and on, since I was in my late teens I've come to the conclusion that there is one really bad problem with the current state of WIITWD.
No, it's not AOL, though that service is often the delivery mechanism. It is the fascination that too many folks in the life, both new and old, have with labels.
There is an incredible tendency to want to label every individual whom one encounters in the life, and it is an urge which should be strictly controlled. No one is so simple so as to be adequately described in a single word or term. Master, Mistress, Dom, Domme, submissive, slave, kajira, sissy, slut, cross dresser, TG/TS, ad infinitum; all of these terms represent some aspect of who an individual is, but they, except in very few cases, do not define the individual.
While labels have a purpose, it is far more common that they get in the way. When you label something, you are, in effect, minimalizing it; reducing it to what that label term means to you. That would be fine if you were the only one using that term; you are able to consider the nuances of what that label means in the context of the relationship in which it is implied, but when you use that label to describe someone who doesn't know them in context, the label reduces them to the bare minimum that the label implies.
I could cite many specific examples where the labeling obsession gets in the way, but I think it's best to leave it to your own imagination. Take a step back and try to examine your lifestyle reactions to these words; think about what it means.
Granted; this problem is not found only in the lifestyle. It does, however, have more specific and significant effects than are normally found in the vanilla world.
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Words have meanings.
Why does this basic concept escape so many people? "That's not what I meant!" "What I say doesn't mean anything!" "No one listens to me; what I say doesn't matter!"
This isn't about a lack of grammer or the annoying use of AOL shorthand when sending messages; it goes much deeper than that.
You are responsible for your own actions, and those actions include your written and spoken word. If you are not willing to back up your actions, then you are wasting the time of everyone you are involved with.
This isn't about outright lies; nor deliberate omissions. If you make a statement you need to be willing to back it up. Period. End.
This is not negotiable. Honesty and integrity never are. |
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Anatomy of (far too many) online relationships…
Day 1
I’ve just posted my profile and I’ve gotten so many messages. Thank you all for writing!
Day 3
I’m wondering why so many people don’t seem to have actually read my profile. If you are short, tall , fat, thin over 40, under 40, gay, straight, switch, dom, domme, bi, or live more than 30 feet away from me I’m not interested. We can email and be friends, but you aren’t what I’m looking for.
Day 7
I seem to have stopped getting emails. I wonder why no one wants to talk to me.
Day 14
Wow! Posting a picture in my profile has really gotten a great response. There must have been 700 messages in the last 12 hours. I hope everyone realizes there is more to me than the breasts in the picture.
Day 17
WHY DON”T PEOPLE READ MY PROFILE!!!!!! None of those hundreds of emails were from anyone who met my clearly stated criteria!!
Day 30
Isn’t there anyone out there interested in me (add your description here)?
Day 40
OMIGOD! I think I’ve finally met the ONE!!!! We talked on the phone for hours, then they called back and offered me their Collar!!!!!
I am SO HAPPY. I’d better change my profile to TAKEN!!!
Day 50
Master has asked me to find us a sister slave for me. If you are younger than me, better looking than me and can take direction from my Master (who is the smartest, sweetest Master in the entire universe), we would be interested in talking to you. You must be happy with a BBW sister and a Master who is “stocky.” You should be HWP and in excellent physical shape.
Day 70
I know there must be my ONE out there somewhere. Isn’t there a smart, attractive Master who needs a dedicated sub/slave who will grant him his every wish? Write me. |
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OK folks, I know you aren't all stupid, so listen up!
The word is Dominant, not Dominate. Dominant is a noun or adjective, depending upon it's use, e.g., "I am a Dominant male" (adj), or "That eye color is the result of a dominant gene (n)."
Dominate is a verb; e.g., "I am looking for a Master to dominate me."
So while you might be looking for a Dominant to dominate you, You aren't looking for a "Dominate"
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"I don't have an Owner/Master/Dom, but I'm currently being trained.."
This is one of the silliest statements I see around here. Don't the people that write this understand that whatever training they get is only applicable if the person doing the training is the person they plan on being with?
Everyone has their own idea of the shape of a D/s relationship should be, and it is incredibly unlikely that two people would agree 100%. Any training more than a basic understanding of what BDSM is would be a waste of time in 90% + situations.
If you want to scene with someone, that's great; if you want to push your limits with someone that's great, too. Just don't call it "training." Call them scene partners, play partners, or even a mentor (thought that's a whole other discussion), but save the "training" for the person (or persons) you plan on commiting to serving.
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Woah...
Looks like I've touched an unvocalized nerve in the sub community. In the last week I've gotten a flood of emails thanking me for the comments I've made here in the journal.
All I can say is I wish that the subs/slaves that wrote would speak up for themselves, too. I'll presume that they are, and it's nice to see some "real" BDSM lifestyler's taking a stand.
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What's with all the sub/slave profiles that simply say "I'm here to find a sister sub/slave for my Master" or some variant thereof?
If their master was worthy of the title he wouldn't have his sub/slave out pimping for him. |
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Given that I'm not actively looking for a new sub I find myself in the position of being able to sit back and watch the interplay between the members here.
I've made a couple of new friends here, female and male, M & s, but what I've noticed most about the members here is, frankly, not encouraging for the lifestyle.
There are just so many fakes and wannabe's trolling these sites that it is scary sometimes. I know it's the Internet, and you can take very little at face value, but the scary part is that so many people who have no real life experience think that they know all there is to know about BDSM (and everything else).
This behavior isn't confined to the wannabe Dom; there are just as many subs/slaves who don't seem to understand that virtual experience is just that; virtual. And that having been an online M/s for a couple of years doesn't really prepare you for the real thing.
But the worst thing I have encountered are the people that decide to make D/s commitments in the real world after only a few days or weeks of meeting each other.
There should be no difference in committing to a lifestyle relationship than committing to a r/l vanilla relationship. And when was the last time you heard about dozens of people uprooting their lives to join someone they have only known on the phone or online for a few days or weeks?
While at first glance it seems that these situations are primarily so-called Masters/Doms preying on lonely women who lack self-esteem, a deeper look shows that there are quite a few Dommes who do similar things to male subs/slaves.
In both cases these people are predators; preying on the weak and the helpless for their own enjoyment. These are the people that you read about when journalists write about the lifestyle; these are the people who end up presenting the face of the BDSM community to the world.
Most of the lifestyler's I know in the real world are real people; they have the same foibles and issues as any other group within the general population. But perception easily becomes the reality, and as long as we accept the fakes, wannabes, poseurs, and players as a part of the community, without speaking out about it, we condone that perception of us.
This isn't an attack on the newcomer's; everyone has to start somewhere. But rather I'm speaking of those who just want to use the community, rather than be part of it. And as a community, we can't continue to accept that and survive.
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