Hmm... (thinking to myself):

Love yourself before anyone else,

Respect yourself before anyone else,

Keep promises to yourself, before anyone else...

Yeah. Sounds good to me.

Love this... I got this from an different site. The Lady who wrote this gave me permission to post it:

Dominance.

I need you to feel safe. I need you to let go of your wants and desires, and know that I will to do what is best for you, when you give up control.

I need your trust. I don't expect you to give it blindly – I expect to earn it. But without trust, you cannot surrender. Without surrender, you cannot grow.

I need you to feel secure. I need you to know that I'm not going to break your self-image without making sure that I build it back up stronger than before.

I need you to accept comfort. Sometimes you may crumble. I will be there to pick up the pieces, and to pet you as we continue on.

I need you to tell me about your weaknesses or brokenness. If you have triggers or fears, I need to know about them, to avoid them, or help you dispose of them.

I need your honesty. As our relationship grows, I need to know where your mind is going.

I need you to expect consistency. You are going to get the same reactions, expectations, and boundaries today that you got yesterday, or a year before.

I need you to accept gentleness. Sometimes I'm a sadist, and I do that quite well, but at the end of the day it is often more important to me to cover you in tender kisses, or run my hands gently across your skin.

I need you to relinquish control. I need you to give it up willingly, and to allow me to coax it away from you when you can't. Giving up control is a voluntary choice: Ultimately, you will either make that choice, or you won't.

I need you to accept praise. In order to accept praise, you must first accept that you are worthy of receiving it. It is my job to provide praise when you deserve it. It is your job to believe it.

I need you to accept compliments. If your self-image causes you to argue and evade when I tell you that you are beautiful, then you are simply negating the statements of someone who likes you enough to find you so, so that you can wallow in the fact that no one is found beautiful by everyone.

I need you to let go of your inhibitions. They are holding you back from understanding your true self, and holding you back from your submission. It's time to embrace sex as the dirty, sweaty, sticky thing that it is along with the other amazing attributes. I can lead you to freedom and experiences you've never imagined ...but I can't carry you there kicking and screaming.

I need you to need to learn and grow. Education, learning, and the ability to think clearly are very important to me. Learning never stops. If you don't believe this, we're not going to get along for long.

I need you to accept being challenged. I do not expect to have a relationship with a passive person, I expect to have a relationship with a strong assertive person. I need you to stand toe to toe with me, because I expect you to be stronger after you interact with me, than before you met me.

I need you to surrender. Though I will lead you, I will never force you. I need you to come along willingly... or not go at all.

"Broken..."

i will only break intYou hands that show me their dryness and cracks,

And i will feel such softness in that place.

i will only break into hands that are sewn together with the silk touch of roses,

And i will see such strength in there.

If You want the pleasure of breaking me,

then You must not just be Mistress,

tricks come when labels are focused
scenery blurred.

reality stirred.

You must be not be just You, Miss,

but instead(hear me out), must be with

me in which We(perhaps), are.

There is where

i will be the dust from the rock

the shattered from the mirror

into the hands of the Creator, Miss

and We will feel, complete.

Something came to me last night(andIsmiled)as I was staring at the clouds above me; especially at the only star among those clouds: I am a f*cking fighter and I could not be more proud of myself for that.

Closure has come.

Doors have appeared.

My heart leaps.

My spirit soars.

You can tell by,

my face being covered by,

my smile.

Now?

How does one know when she is ready or that the time has come? I have gotten quite a bit of closure recently and it has kind of sent me in a good spin. I know this year is going to be amazing for me. I am going to go to school and I am pretty sure (*knock on wood*) I will be able to focus on it better due to age, growth and lack of problems in the rest of my life.

This past year and a half

I was scared I was going to freeze to stone at one point. It was the greatest struggle I ever had and it feels like a blur. I lost a year, but in that loss I gained a lifetime of strength, light and love. I have sharper eyes and a clearer mind now because I chose to come back from it.

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure why I'm writing this here. I've always been one to express thoughts and feelings. Sometimes in hopes it will clear my mind or help others who are lost like I am/was. Other times it is just for the pure selfishness of it.

The point

I'm curious about my future. More importantly, I'm looking forward to it.

I was dealing with a bully at my work. I kept patient at first. Thinking it wasn't about me and that I was a better person and didn't need to engage. But then it got to a harder level. This bully got a bit physical. I told my boss. He's poo-pooing it. Guess what? I don't need to put up with that. HR, here I come. I already have a plan to move to a different store and making sure the other boss at that store (who I get along with well) knows about everything.

Why am I saying this?

Because I am pissed off that people are either ignoring me or treating me like sh*t

...

and I'm doing something about it

...

This is good

...

Very good

"Caught up then tangled."

I run with this, such good intent

But a fast walk creates a fogged mind

As my legs race so does my heart

Which makes me breathless

I should not be breathless with this

I mustn't be careless in this want to create

Yes, a want, never a need. 

Though my desire burns,

I must let it burn my fuel

Not my body into ashes.

Slowly then surely.

Time is nothing but

a fool to reality.

Laughing in the face of

Wide teeth with traces

of yellow and old bread

It stinks up the face of goodness,

But when one is rushed, the smell is non-existent

Only the shining smile.

~~~

I know who I am as a submissive and as a human being, well, as much as one can at age 26 ;) But I have noticed that when I explore my submission and my desire to have it fulfilled (but not just by anyone I have standards); sometimes when I come across someone great or see some potential, it sometimes has a tendency to blur everything else. I have good intentions: I'm excited!

I understand I'm a bit of a romantic but jeeze, I need to find a balance which I am training myself to do and I am getting better at. It helps to write it out as a reminder. It has been a while since I have been back to this side of me and it's great to be back in touch with it, but I have to remember that one of the reasons I put this side of me on a hold was due to rushing. Anything rushed will end with a crash and it will burn. Even though I know I will always survive after a crash and burn, I also know that I am smart, cautious and have a good head. I don't make the same mistake twice. This gives me comfort. I always learn and better myself. I know who I am and the strength that lines me together, I just need to remember she's still there.

Age Difference

intro

Reading about "age differences in lesbian relationships." Since I have once dated a lady twice my age before and generally tend to connect with older people even on friendship level... the facts/research behind it has intrigued me!!! I will share more sooooon :)

"Suddenly Lost in This Lust."

Sometimes I want her to push me against the wall and to fucking take me

"Yin yang"

I've realized that I long to have my mind stimul-(wait!)

Slowly... Sincerely...

Whisper to me every detail(spare me none)through Your fingers

Air begone from me as my heart

skips

a beat

flow

ing, my blood stream rush

es to my face as i blush quiet

ly the heat rises as my puss-y(stop!)

Too soon to go there.

Mmm... but wet, my lips are,

No, silly, up here.

i'm craving Your taste.

Your dark stare that commands my returned,

in a haze, stare. Silence has never echoed so loud

ly, here,

fine(i am)ally

i am safe(do You feel this, too?), here.

Melted, i am, when Your hands

graze

Slowly... Sincerely...

Every part of my skin.

Yours to explore while i

wish to sink in;

mmmore.

inside yet, are You?

Not just there, silly...

Everywhere.

i need Your breathless breathing over my face

i need Your restless needing over my body

because i need so badly to receive from what(Whom) i look Up to, the same of,

what i am longing to give what You look down at(me).

My knees red as my cheeks,

No, silly, the cheeks up here.

Will You bend over just to taste my lips, with Your fingers pulling

gently but with purpose,

my chin up?

i promise:

Just one small push and i will

lift my head up to You, in full,

with no resistance.

If it means knowing the roses on my cheeks,

set afire Your heart.

Dear Lady Dominant,

Respectfully, i do know that i am not interested in serving someone who wishes to take advantage or doesn't appreciate it. To me, a Dominant doesn't take advantage because to do that means the person is insecure. An insecure Dominant is a heartbreaking thing. i don't know You and due to that i am not looking to make any presumptions about You, negative nor positive.

For me, to serve is selfless. i have seen many "submissives" who are shocked at having to do house chores or have a job or take responsibility for anything. i feel it takes strength to submit because it makes a person vulnerable and that is a scary thing place to be. i love to cook, to clean, to care for, to comfort Someone who appreciates it.

i don't see myself as a doormat. i am moreso confident and secure in who i am. i see my submission as a gift, so why would i give a gift to someone who i thought would throw it away?

i will give myself entirely to a Lady who is strong enough to handle it.

Sincerely,

artis

P.S. Dominant vs. Domineering

"What happened?"

To all the respectable Domme's who take pride in how they present themselves?

The Ones who see Domination and submission as a form of love and trust, not hate and anger?

To the Ladies who Dominate themselves, get their Own lives under control before taking on a human submissive?

To the Ones who see the art and beauty in this?

What happened to Them?

Where are You?

i'm holding onto faith that You are still around.

i always will.

"HurtsoGood"

eeeeee! I had such a good (and much needed) day/night with friends!! Tomorrow I will be getting pup ears and tail that match so well with my hair that it looks like it's a part of me. omgs!

But tonight was, so fantastic. It was a birthday party/going away party for a friend/s. The birthday Boy was a Dom so we had contests for 3 prizes. One of them was to see who made the best noises when being spanked by him, the other was who made the best pet noise, the last one was who begged the best. I was part of a tie breaker for the spanked the best (because I wiggled so much) but the tiebreaker I lost (and I think it was dumb! The tie breaker I had to spank the Dom and everybody thought I did damn well, as did I! Boo.) I was also the tie breaker for who begged the best and dammit, I WON. Bwa haha! I got a purple vibrator. It's awesome.

Anywho, things got so much better when all my friends and I started doing the kink thing and we discussed what we enjoyed/didn't enjoy. I mentioned looooving the feeling of scratches against my skin and one girl volunteered to do some on me and, wow. I was shaking with happiness it felt so good and the chemistry was spot on. It has been a long time since I've interacted with someone on a kink level and had such a good connection (platonic only). We cuddled afterward and then later in the night she got into a little headspace and cuddled with me while sucking her thumb, awww. It was so great to have that beautiful power exchange with such a lovely girl. It reminded me that I do enjoy topping at times. I would consider myself an alpha sub or maybe even a switch, but I know that relationship wise I would be happiest as a sub to a Lady. I just know that I am protective and when/if I bottom heavily or often, I like to even it out or give myself a breather and Top... but always happily return to the subbie me. I think it would be amazing to have my future Lady enjoy watching me Top someone and then later enjoy putting me back in my place. Yumm...

Tonight I also got to get in touch with my sadistic side again. I love biting. Digging my teeth into some skin is amazing for me. I also love scratching. Talking dirty. Watching the painful expression on someone's face. Hearing the whimpers. oosh. It sends me off. I love receiving pain too, though I tend to be kind of baby when it comes to spankings or crops, like I said, I loooove scratchybitey pain.

The best part about tonight: The laughter and smiles among great friends.

Sex...ay...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWGuOjaR4HY

"Daddy! I got a jobby!!!"

Finally! I will be starting at the end of this month. Thank the lawd! Finding out this job is happening has really put some things in perspective. For one, I need to focus on ME and being a happier/healthier person for myself! Having a job is going to help with that SO much. With that said, I don't know what is going to happen with me here. I think I will remain on here but continue to put my needs first for the time being until a lovely Lady has shown through time, love and friendship that other things could happen. Before there is anyone else, there is just myself and I need to take care of her first.

"What Makes a Good Dominant?"

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2011/07/what-makes-a-good-dominant/

http://www.missdi.co.za/paige2/general_guidelines/Char_of_successful_Dom.htm

http://www.freewebs.com/newsubmissives/4findingadominant.htm

These are just a few of the links I have looked through to figure out what i seek for in a Dominant Lady and what i feel is important for other people who choose to identify themselves as Dominant (male or female) should consider. I pulled my top musts from those links below (note: Of course every sub/Dominant will have different wants/needs due to being human, but the ones i'm listing are most important for me OR the most commonly stated. Also, please excuse the use of "He" in these statements.):

1. Compatibility and shared kinks

When you first meet someone or first start talking to them I think its a good idea to get some sense of whether you are wanting the same things, or at least a good chunk of the same things. For example, there would be no point me ending up with a Dom who wanted poly as its not something I would ever be comfortable with. I think compromise is important, but if there are some issues like that where compromise cannot be reached then perhaps it isn’t going to work.

2. Respect
A successful dominant will show respect at all times, until such time as the submissive proves he/she is unworthy of such respect. A disrespectful dominant does not earn the respect of his/her peers or the submissives around them. By giving respect to others, you earn it for yourself.

3. Capacity to Love
Without a loving heart, a dominant is nothing more than a set of rules and a taskmaster. Submissives are, by nature, very loving and giving individuals. They not only give love...they require it to survive. We often seek to please because of our deep need for acceptance and love. A dominant who cannot meet those needs will never have a happy submissive.
A dominant must be able to love himself as well. If he is not capable of seeing himself as lovable, then he'll never accept the love that a submissive will so freely offer. Love is never self-seeking, nor critical, nor does it find joy in failure. Love covers a multitude of sins and forgives without holding a grudge. When I see a dominant lavish attention on a child, an animal, a needy person, as well as a friend, I see a Master-in-the-making. His instincts to comfort, protect and nurture are developed and speak to my heart. This is the kind of man or woman I want to give my heart to for a lifetime.

4. Being a good friend

I think a Dominant should be a friend as well as a partner , owner and sadist. My Master is really most undoubtedly my best friend in the world and has been for a very long time. I feel as though I have known him my whole life and yet its only actually six years lol. I like having someone that I feel i can tell anything and who will not judge me and who will support me in times of trouble. He has supported me through a couple of family bereavements and other times that have been hard for me, and I have done the same for him.

I think it is important for a Dom to be that shoulder to cry on in bad times and a friend to laugh with in the good.

5. Loyalty
This is a very important trait in a dominant. It is the ability to uphold your personal honour and remain true to the agreement between you and your submissive. Fickleness is very unattractive in a dominant and dangerous to the emotional well being of the submissives who serve you.

6. Humility
This is basically the ability to see yourself as fallible. To see yourself as a person, not just a dominant. To see that sometimes in reality your needs must be set aside for the better of the relationship. A successful dominant knows they will make mistakes. They know that they are not perfect. Sure they have pride in their abilities but they also know that everyone grows constantly and they are secure enough within themselves not to need to be the center of attention at all times. This allows the dominant to be open to learning new things. This brings into play bullying. Bullying is using your status as a dominant to push submissives around without any thought for their well being at all. Bullying is a completely selfish action. A dominant who consistently bullies, will turn submissives away from them and lose the respect of their peers. It shows a lack of humility and can also mask a poor sense of self-esteem or a possible abusive person using the lifestyle to hide their abusive nature.

7. Being a good listener

I think it is important to have communication in a relationship from the very start in both being able to feel as though you can express yourself to the other person but in listening too. I think for a Dominant to be a good listener is just as important in a casual relationship such as for play at a fetish event as it is in a permanent relationship, in fact possibly more so because they aren’t used to how you might react to things. I think its all very well having safe words but if a dom can’t listen to a concern or a worry then having a safe word is a waste of time if they just muddle on without listening to what the submissive is saying either before, during or after play.

8. Trustworthiness
...A dominant who is not trustworthy is worthless as a master. How can you totally surrender to someone who does not give you a reason to trust them? A real measure of a dominant's trustworthiness is the way they deal with other people. They may be able to snow you for awhile, after all they'll be trying to put their best dom foot forward to impress you. Observe how they deal with others they associate with.
Do they betray confidences that were given to them? Do they act covertly when dealing with friends or other dominants? Do they seek to bring others down by undermining their character with secret whispers about them? Do they "let you in on" little secrets about someone they've had a relationship with? Trusting someone with a whip while you're helplessly bound is often easier than trusting them with the secrets of your heart and soul. Watch a dominant who shares intimate knowledge of others with you. He just might end up telling your deepest secrets to the next person who comes along.

9. Self-Control/Respect/

A dominant must have mastery over himself or he will never be master of another. I've seen many, so called "Masters/Mistresses", who seemed to be the most wonderful beings on earth until something went wrong or slipped from their control. They suddenly became like a 10 year old child who had just lost his kite in a tree. The angry, temper-tantrum throwing, whining, and pouting dominant is not a pretty sight. A submissive soon learns to fear this kind of dominant and will eventually see them as dangerous, as well as weak and pathetic children.
Control of self means just that. If you can't control YOU, then don't bother trying to control ME. Watch this one carefully subbies...they often equate control with broken dishes, hearts and bones. If you don't want to end up on the receiving end of their lack of self-control, you'll walk a wide path around this one.

A good dominant values themselves, and respects their own limits. A bully does not thrill a submissive. A solid sense of self worth is a necessity for a dominant or they can cause serious damage to the submissive's psyche.

10. Compassion
The ability to see and at least attempt to understand the emotional aspects of your submissive's psyche. To understand and be aware of the multitude of things within reality that can affect a submissive physically, emotionally and mentally. To be able to apply that understanding to the many situations that arise within daily life that may prevent your submissive from serving to the best of their abilities. Using compassion wisely to allow you to aide your submissive, support him/ her during times of stress shows that you are truly a well rounded dominant. One who realizes that a dominant and a submissive are people too. Without compassion you are not a dominant, only a sadist.

11. Confidence

Without confidence a dominant will never have the courage to take control of himself, let alone another human being. A dominant has to feel his own worth and believe in himself. If not, he can soon begin to bolster his own flagging confidence by demeaning his submissive. Keeping her in a lower status than himself is the only way he can feel he's in charge.
Without confidence of his own he can never instill confidence in his submissive. She will never be allowed to grow or become all she's capable of being while in his care. She'll never be permitted to achieve because this will only magnify his own lack of confidence in his worth. Confidence isn't measured by a swaggering gait, the snap of a crop or the biggest bag of toys in the local group. Boasting about his conquests and talents isn't much of an indication of confidence either, in fact this often shows a lack of it. A true measure will be seen in the way the lead their lives and conduct themselves in daily events. If this person doesn't have some success in their work and reaching personal goals, something is wrong.
Confident in his dominance, he has no need of silly posturing. He accepts titles as tokens of respect and kneeling as outward expression of genuine feeling.

12. The Desire To Teach / Experience and a willingness to learn

A great master is a great teacher. That's part of the job, subbies. He's going to be teaching you for the duration of your relationship with him. Watch how he teaches. Does he have patience? Does he reward when a lesson is learned? Does he desire you to become all you can be? Is he willing to share his knowledge with you? One of the primary goals a dominant should have is creating an environment where his submissive can grow and develop emotionally and intellectually. He will be responsible for your welfare and should be nurturing that eager mind of yours as well as broadening your sexual repertoire.
Does he practice what he preaches? That alone can be one of the biggest clues to what he really is. A true master/mistress will teach by setting the example. If he wants respect he shows it to others. If he wants loyalty, he is loyal. If he wants honesty, he is honest. If he says one thing and does another, he is not single-minded and will always demand things of you that he is not capable of giving himself.
Don't hesitate to look for someone who is your intellectual equal or superior. This might not be important to you if you are not an academic achiever but if you are, you will probably not be satisfied intellectually with someone who is not able to meet or challenge your need to learn. He doesn't have to be a brain surgeon or rocket scientist but, if he cannot meet this intellectual need, you are going to stagnate in a pool of frustration and resentment.
The desire to help, to enhance, or to make happy is common among dominants. This may be why so many of them are in the teaching and helping professions: medicine, social work, religion. Other-centered people make good dominants. Self-centered people often find that the strain of the responsibilities inherent in a D&S relationship is overwhelming.

I think its important that a Dominant has the willingness to want to learn how to do things right and to the enjoyment of their submissive rather than just going blindly into it. Even experienced Doms still new things they can learn about bdsm and D/s sometimes from books or the internet, sometimes by the experience of exploring bdsm with someone and so yes, they can learn even from their submissive. I think its also important for them to want to learn how to bring out the best in you and to make you happy and confident.

13. Patience
A good dominant has patience. The ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating and not being dominant. This does not mean you have to be lax or soft, but to learn the proper time to push and the proper time not to. It is also the ability to wait for those things, which take time to develop and to learn, especially within yourself. To realize that it takes time for a submissive to learn all the intricacies of serving you and having the patience to teach the submissive what you prefer.

14. Service
This is applicable to dominants but not in the same way as a submissive. A dominant serves their submissive by and through their dominance. By intelligently applying their dominant nature, and meeting the physical and emotional needs of the submissive, the dominant mutually serves the submissive. A successful dominant remembers that without a submissive, there is no such thing as a dominant. And that to receive the submission of a person is a gift. The dominant will therefor cherish that gift, and do their best to uphold it and not abuse it. This is the key to an exchange of power relationship.

15. Dominance
This is the most important trait in a dominant. It is the inherent natural ability to lead. To exert control in a respectful, intelligent and humble manner. The strength of character, which allows you to exert the control necessary in a power, exchange relationship. The ability to care for another person's entire well being.

Final Note:

If You identify as a Dominant, i am going to be curious as to the "whys" and "hows" of that statement. i am confident in myself as a submissive and i have the education and sources to back it up. If You call Yourself a Dominant yet Your only experience/knowledge is through "owning" submissive's or "naturally" being that way and not through reading books on D/s, going to classes (yes, they do exist), being mentored by a respectable Dominant and/or if You have not already taken the time to learn everything and anything about being a Dominant or what is not a Dominant, then WE will not work out.

I'm a bottom/submissive in more ways than one. I am into puppy play, age play and service oriented. My "dream" I guess is to find a Dominant Lady who is into all of the above not out of force, but truly loves those types of play Herself and longs to find a pup/girl/slave. She would admire my strength and see my submission as a choice and love for Her. I would go to the end of the world and back for Her not out of must, duty or fear, but out of my love and adoration for Her. She would not be afraid to be real with me because i would hope i show/prove that i would care for Her even at times She may not feel strong or Dominant. i had one Dominant be in a sad mood and said, "I'm sorry, you shouldn't see me like this." It broke my heart to hear that because to me, being a submissive to a Lady means loving Her for all she is, not just her Dominance. That is the hardest to find. She would encourage me to grow as a person as i would for Her. i would love to surprise Her with gifts i know she would love, not just shiny crap. When i love and submit, She is all i think about and i remember everything. It's a beautiful place to be in.

"Judgement and Anger"

Judgement

I hate to get like this but it is very important to me and I feel will help weed out certain "types." I have encountered people before who believe that a person deserves to be judged by their body and/or weight. There are people who have said, "If all the fat fucks just stop eating sugar the world would be a better place." This kind of attitude and talk will lead to a world of trouble from me and many others. Yes. I have had someone actually say the last quote to me and I was angered as well as shocked. I can't understand why the media and world allows this kind of thinking to go on. It's not about body weight it's about health. Even IF someone is not doing well on the health side (which is very possible in this world) the last thing they need is someone beating them down for it because I can guarantee they are doing more than enough of that to themselves. They don't need hurtful words they need kindness and hope. Do you honestly think calling them "fat" or something hurtful is going to make them want to help their body? Even the ones who are underweight have the same world-wide problem and deserve just as much kindness and hope. Be ashamed if you are the person who attacks others by weight.

Anger

All people embrace anger for a moment, such as road rage. All people embrace anger occasionally, such as having a bad day. All people embrace anger as a release, such as dealing with personal demons. Sadly though, some people embrace anger as a lifestyle. This means constant anger. There's nothing good to say. Even in a smile you can see their hate and resentment. Similar to a drug, it's easy to get sucked into and hard to get out of. Everything is always wrong and it's always everyone's fault but their own. It's an exhausting way to live and a draining person to be around. But it all comes to choice. You can choose to be angry for a moment, occasionally or as a release... Or you can choose to be angry all the time. Who are you going to be?

I just joined a Fem Domme online community (as a submissive, of course) and I am already blown away. It is so much more than an "online community." It is... I don't know what the word is I'm looking for but it's deeper, personal, and for people who want the real deal. There are classes and training and sub universities.

I shouldn't assume but I feel like I am going to fit in there VERY well.

*jumps up and down happily!*

"You are Mine!"

I am very conflicted by this "You are mine!" - "I want a bitch to own" talk. Do I long to hear those words one day? Of course! But not straight off the bat. Not as an introduction. Before I am a submissive, before I am even kinky, I am a human being with feelings, dignity and self-respect and love. Do I long for the day I am collared and owned by a Miss? Absolutely! But that takes an amount of love and trust that only time can create.

"Wandering to Wonderland"

I have accepted how deep my submission truly is and truly, it is
a busy, dizzy, never-ending (hopefully), blissful spiral.
It makes me think of the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland.
Giggling as I slide down and around the feelings that once scared and betrayed,
the feelings that now flair in this escapade.
I have learned that people can hurt, sure, but people can also love and nurture.

Wandering to Wonderland, I am experiencing a familiar yet
forgotten land.
Smelling, feeling, touching and hearing the different and scary
but to only the ordinary.
Wandering to Wonderland I look back wondering
when I will land upon the Lap of my match
I can't help but wonder such a romantic
(for me and the taboo few, only) scenery.

Skipping along an unknown road I come across a friendly face,
she smiles as always and hugs me in full embrace
I reciprocate and then do what I once used to hesitate:
I show my enthusiasm through a bark
Snuggle into her shoulder, then tug her shirt
We cuddle in the dark, yet I feel not as such.

Moving along, because I must, unsure of why, but I know I must be
moving along.
I come across yet, another familiar friendly face
One I have known for so long,
yet never really grown to love
until just ever so recently, you see,
I was shy, still am, But the few who see, who I am,
will see, I am more than meets the eye.
This face, I reach out to and ask about the spiral.
I ask about the Wonderland.
She has been here, for so long
She must know how to get along,
she smiles and says with comforting certainty,

'This path you choose to walk is a lovely one, yet a difficult one.
To walk this means you will once give this away to Someone else, all of it
But only in good time... This place, Wonderland, wander it full and some
In and out, get to know what this place is all about.
Tastes the fruits, Smell the flowers, Pet the grass as you lie down and gasp. But most of all
Choose incredibly carefully who you allow to enter this precious space of yours,
For that choice, if all comes through, could be the last you will make for a while.' She smiles.

I smile and nod a silent thank you.
I walk away, not to get away, but to soak up what she says.
I see a precious red fruit and I bite slowly into
the juice flows over and into,
I see pretty pink petals
all wrapped up together,
I sit peacefully in the grass
I lie down and gasp
As I see the sky
The disfigured sky that keeps me out of the norm and ordinary
I smile... As I sigh and lay for a very long while.

I have realized how deep this spiral can and will eventually go
But for now I will rest here and wait, until I am ready
Wandering to Wonderland is slowly becoming,
my most remembered and homely land.

I CAN'T WAIT

...to go back to school.

Just saying.

She's gone. To a much happier place. Wherever that is. Even though I saw it, I keep expecting to hear her walk into the room. Even though I saw it, I keep waiting to hear the dog door slam. Instead, all I get is uncomfortrable silence. We did the right thing. She was ready. It was time. I feel both good and sad. She's happier but I won't see her. Tears and a burning throat when I see her bed but I smile sincerely now. Tears and a burning throat when I remember... but I smile sincerely now. It's moments like these I envision a heaven. In hopes she's up there wagging and running. Running in peace.

-A poem about my beagle who passed :(

I am loving reading/learning about Buddhism. I agree with what it teaches and I enjoy how it makes me feel and the way I see things. I feel at ease with letting go and letting be. I think I might eventually get a tattoo related to Buddhism.

By no means do I think that any one religion/spirituality is better than another. A part of me still believes there's a God out there, but I believe that God didn't make us all to be so different and yet expect us all to praise only "Him." We are all different beings with different needs. As long as there's no hate and no judgment & lots of love and acceptance, what can go wrong?

So I got another "Are you a dude?" email from this random guy who had one blurry photo and a 5 worded profile. I explained that I'm not but I wasn't going to show my tits, pussy or face on a sketch site like this to prove so. I guess that response makes me a dude. I dunno, but my final response was this and I felt like it was something that needed to be shared with everyone else::

Why can't we all just accept that none of us want to show too much of us due to all the creeps/weirdo's on this site as opposed to just accusing eachother?

Whadya say we back off on the accusations and just respect we don't want to show off too much? How does that sound?

bah!! This whole closing shift thing is screwing up my sleep schedule and it makes me nervous. It means the possibility of being thrown off and I don't want to be thrown off. I like being on a stable path. Whether it's actual or mental it could happen and I don't want it to. Boo!!

On the flip side though, I'm writing. Alot. Which I like, but I prefer to do it in the daylight not the light bulbs or computer lights. Sunlight is much preferred *sigh* I'll take what I can get. I just realized I how grumpy I sound... I must be hungry. *eats food* much better!

I am figuring out what to go back to school for. I miss school. I miss having a focus; a plan. It's been nice living plan-free for a little while but it's time. At least I want it to be time because I want to be more than what I am now. I don't think who I am now is 'bad' or 'useless' per se. I just want to be more. I want to contribute to the world more and have something bigger going for me. It does make me nervous though. School was rough for me but back then I didn't know why and now I do. I like to think I've broken those habits, gained more confidence and released the resentment. I sometimes get the ridiculous thought that I've missed my chance, but then I remember a quote by George Eliot "It's never too late to be who you might have been." I let out a sigh of relief and smile. I swear, quotes are my savior. Screw J.C., quotes are what save me! Heh... I kinda like that.

I'm tired now. Yay! Better late than never...in more ways than one :]

This is an amazing video.

I have posted an audio greeting. It should be up soon. There's your proof. Once you hear it, I'm going to ask that you let me be. Thank you.

So.... I guess I'm about to be banned because apparently I'm a dude. He wanted me to get on webcam to prove I wasn't. Sorry mr. no-photo-and-no-friends guy. I'm not going to show you my tits or face.

What about my profile says dude?!!? Just because I don't want my face on a sketch site like this doesn't make me a dude... :(

I could not be more angered right now. I was working the salad bar tonight. It was time to go check and refill. I noticed there was an older man slowly walking around the soup area to the left of my eyes. It was strange that all it took was his stringy white hair to give me the chills. When I watched him I realized that his pants were loose; open. I live in an area of Denver were strange men not dressed well isn't uncommon, but this was different. It was different because he wasn't trying to fix it as he continued to sample soups while looking straight ahead. It was different because it seemed like, he was opening up his pants more to show off the tight blue thong covering his bulge. It was different... it was not okay.

It took me a moment to realize what he was doing as he kept walking around slowly while looking around; seeking out eyes to notice. That's it. I approached him and said very sternly "I'm going to have to ask you to zip up your pants or go to the bathroom." The blank yet not surprised look on his face confirmed it: this wasn't accidental. I immediately look around for the shift leader, thankfully he was nearby and I told him what had happened. He dropped what he was doing and immediately followed me to him. The guy had kept his pants up but Jack, the shift leader, told me that he knew who that guy was and that he didn't like him. I told him to follow him until he left the store and he agreed, "Absolutely." Later on he told me that he told the man that he knew what happened and to never come into the store again. Of course the old man denied but Jack knew.

As I continued on with my work I found myself growing less disgusted and more angered. Eventually I was all anger as my mind wandered about who this creep was. What if I was too late and a child saw him? What if he is on collarme and watching people like me? I bet he's jacking it off right now. Thinking about my face. Excited that he got caught. Just jacking it off while thinking of me... my face... my words... my body... everything about me... God, I hope no kids saw him...

I wish I had said more to him at the time. Wish I told him to get the fuck out of the store. Hell, I wish I had pulled his pants in and buttoned them for him and then followed with a punch in the face. I wish... I wish I wouldn't get so shocked and just act. I wish I could feel arms around me with a shoulder to rest on.

I have one thing to say to him and I have only said this one another time... if he is on here... if YOU are on here. I hope you fucking get yours.

"Oh, Oreo's."

Ever wondered if there were directions on how to open a box of Oreo's? Well. There is and it's awesome...

TO OPEN. SLIDE FINGER UNDER FLAP AND LOOSEN GENTLY.

Therefore, my new pick up line is...

I wanna do you like a box'o Oreo's baby!

Seriously.

Watch out for tiger. Yarrr!

Life is good...

"The Power of Negativity"

Good lord. Some people can't be happy and there a few phases of reactions from me when I meet Eyore:

1. Pity: It's healthy to embrace bad things and be upset about it... but then let it go. I feel bad for people that can't just be happy. I hope you find peace soon.

2. Worry: Okay, you're still under that rain cloud? Maybe it's time to see the sunshine...

3. Drained: Good lord, I don't think I can handle another bashing of good things in life. I understand. I get it. Bad things happen. Stop hammering into my happiness. For the love of God, stop. Be happy. Be happy, dammit! HAPPY!

4. Insanity: Please *pants* I... can't... handle... *gasp* Happiness? Why bother? All things die. No, stop. Be happy... remember the happy good times... that wither away, suffering. Then die, horrible slow deaths. Then shrivel up into a big ball of sadness. Sadness. That's all this world is. Good. God. Make it stop!!

You know exactly what I am talking about. The Eyore's out there are powerful creatures that can't move beyond past hurts and are determined to bring everybody around them under their raincloud. Why? I dunno. Maybe it's loneliness. Maybe they know they don't want to leave and they want others there to stand by their side as they gloom away the day. Or maybe they are unaware that they are even doing this because they are so stuck. Maybe because they want everyone else to suffer like they have suffered. They want everyone to know "Hey! I've been hurt. I'm in pain and I suffer. You need to know that." They just need to bring everyone with them only when they are suffering. Happiness is fake and a waste of time.

It hurts to watch people put themselves in there. Especially when it's someone you love and that you know you will never stop loving. Bounded by blood and genes. I will forever hope that she's comes through and not only sees the sun, but takes comfort in it. But for now, she takes comfort under a cloud and I have to decide. Am I going to let her cloud float over me or am I going to distance myself so I stay in the sun?

She's been through alot of pain and suffering. I don't disregard that and I never will. But it's been too, damn, long. Myself and the rest of the family are making energy to be sad for her. We can't do this. I cry for her. I pity her... But I need to stop pitying her and start hoping for her.

To love another I must let go of myself.

To embrace another I must look within myself.

To accept another I must forgive myself and past others.

Insecurity and the mazes of my head get the best of me.

I have found sick comfort in getting lost in there.

Wandering curiously,

Seeking a way out but,

really,

secretly hiding out.

I have grown tired of the turns and dead ends.

I am inspired to let out and let live.

I'm grasping the handles now

I'm feeling the burn as it digs into me, testing "Are you really ready?"

I did it. I told her how I felt. Even though I knew I was fighting some hesitation I still knew there was something there and I just had to tell her. She’s been my best friend for almost year. I’ve also had a crush on her since the first day we met. It was strange though, alot of people assumed she was my girlfriend. When I explained we were just friends they asked if I had a crush on her and I told them the truth, “I just love being around her and having her in my life. I don’t care how she’s in it, just as long as she’s there.” They responded with curved eyebrows of confusion. I get why they didn’t get it. Hell, I get why most people don’t get it because I’m still trying to get it. It’s a strange feeling to understand, let alone have. That’s when it started to hit me: not everybody has crushes on their friends, but I do.

No joke. I have a crush on every single one of my friends. I have an attraction, a desire, a warmth and a love toward them. The phrase “just a friend” doesn’t make sense to me. In my head, if you aren’t somewhat attracted to this person then why waste any time at all? There are many levels of attraction; ranging from the lower “Let’s hug way too much when we’re drunk” to the middle “We understand eachother” to the higher “I love waking up next to you” and everything in between (and believe me, there is lots in between). Maybe it’s just me. I can't help it.

*I love connecting with people. Connections are a rare thing it seems like, so when it’s found all I want to do is treasure it and have fun.

*I love touching; hugs, cuddles, kisses, hand holding, anything. Being physically close with another body (or bodies, depending on the situation) feels amazing and I always notice a difference in my body and emotions, even after/before lots of touching. I’m at ease, I’m open and free flow.

*I love to explore with others. Some could argue it’s a selfish thing and to some extent it is, but mostly it’s about me and this other person (or people) taking the time to discover eachother; allow ourselves to open up and be vulnerable. In doing so, we discover much about our own selves.

Now let me make something clear, I am not a promiscuous person. I’m 24 and I’ve have had sex with, 10 people and few of those 10 were “more-than-two-somes” (I call it that because it wasn’t always 3). But all of those 10, even the one-nighters, there was always a connection. Sometimes my friend and I slept together; other times I slept with someone and we became friends; sometimes I was actually dating the person. There was always a variety of connections, but it was a connection nonetheless. We touched and kissed and held eachother in an intimate way; we got embarrassed and laughed; we got overwhelmed and gasped; we smiled and sighed. What’s wrong with that? I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting that nor is there anything wrong with monogamy. It’s just like gay people vs straight people; there’s nothing wrong with either. It’s just different, but it’s a difference that causes people to judge. Well, I guess all differences cause that, doesn’t it?

I don’t get it. All I want is to live, laugh and love with the people I connect with. That’s all.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering she answered just as I knew she would, just a friend. Frankly, that’s all I want to with her. She’s my “We get eachother” best friend that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.