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Hi,
Hope you are having a good day. For the longest time I have been looking in relationships for a way to deal with my own shame in life. I quit school between 12-16 and spent those years at home. Isolated and alone. I have spent a lifetime hiding my shame over it in a way that I have found only certain women can really understand.
I am happy to explain further via email or chat.
Don't get too spooked.
I am incredibly fun, outgoing, enthusiastic, smart and wickedly funny. I have a real work life, real friends, a family that I am close too. I travel, I go skiing out west every year. I rescue small animals from trees. I like to buy you flowers on Sunday mornings when I go out to get us breakfast. I like to hold hands in the movies. For the whole movie.
I am a natural caretaker. I enjoy it. It doesn't mean that I am not strong, or dominant. I always have a strong shoulder for you to cry on. I don't get scared when you cry. I know you have too. I take forever to get angry. I prefer to be gentle, but firm. I need someone who is ready to listen to Daddy. Even if you want to hide under the bed sometimes.
You can keep all of your stuffed animals around me. I will even tuck them in on days when I make the bed.
I love music, have some tv shows I like. I don't live in the basement. I have had girlfriends. I have even lived with them. I appear by any means perfectly normal, and for the most part I am. I can be wildly happy and enthusiastic. I sometimes dance in the living room, if you are there, I will ask you to dance with me. I am a hopeless romantic at heart.
What I have found recently is that I really only bond with women who have "Daddy issues"
When I was alone out of school, I didn't have real girls to relate to while going through puberty. Therefore I become somewhat fixated on girls who don't resist. Don't move. Don't know what to do, and need to be told everything. Well from everything I have learned here, that is usually a woman who has been abused around similar ages or earlier. Sometimes I am just that 12 year old kid who wants to hold hands and watch a movie with no sexual overtones between us. I want you to learn to feel safer little by little too. Maybe a sleep sack for you sometimes. I also want you to be able to get off the real way that you know how. When you feel helpless and just need to submit to Daddy, and be a good little girl, and don't move, and just do what Daddy says. The guilt and the shame that goes along with all this is toxic, unless they are allowed out to play. I want you to be able to feel as comfortable sucking my dick as sucking my thumb. I know this kind of trust takes time. I want you to know that it's ok that you enjoyed it, and had many orgasms all those years ago. It's ok. It really is.
I wasn't sexually abused as a kid...but being left in a room by yourself for a few years during puberty can twist your sexuality. It makes it harder to relate on an adult level, though I am a very solid adult. Since I had no frame of reference, I had to imagine girls who didn't refuse. Ever. Like a blank page.
I closed my eyes and dreamed of being able to touch someone, anyone. Just to touch them. Every hair on their body. While they lay perfectly still. You used to close your eyes and dream it would stop, while every hair on your body stood up, but it is impossible to have sex no matter what age and not get aroused. And that's where your twist comes in. Deep shame over liking some part of it. Somehow our experience seems to be the exact opposite, and therefore, two sides of the same coin. We can relate in a way not possible for others. I have finally figured out that this is the relationship I must have. I think we can both reach other deep down. We can learn to normalize each other. But we can still get each other off the way we both deeply need.
Oddly in a strange way, I have found that women who were abused, are massively over sexualized, they think everyone is a predator who wants to fuck them. I have had a couple friends like this, they spent years fucking anything that moved. Every night of the week. In any way. Anything to try to get rid of the shame, not of the abuse, but because at some point during it, you were aroused. It's natural. But the shame of that cuts so deep. It just seems like I have the exact opposite sensory and social experience and that makes it so natural for me to understand. It's why I think maybe you need a sleep sack once a week, to feel safe, to sleep through the whole night without being assaulted. The other nights you will probably find me on top of you. Taking you without concern or regard for how you feel.
I am not manic, crazy, or randomly violent, I don't want to put needles into your nipples, but I find it hard to have a fulfilling sex life without being able to be someone's Daddy. I need you to be that sweet innocent girl who knows nothing. I have had a string of disappointing relationships because girls without this kind of trauma just find acting out this kind of fantasy to be creepy.
I however need it to feel normal, to love someone, and to let them love me. Basically I need someone who can be my little girl when I need her to be, and can be that innocent vanilla girl that I crave being in love with. We can cleanse our souls together and dispense with any shame in our lives. Just between us.
I need someone who wants to be totally open and honest about what they need, what gets them off, and what wakes them up in the middle of the night crying. I don't want to have to hide who I am at all in my next relationship.
I want to love, to heal, to be proud of who I am, to untwist a little at a time with that one special someone that I can trust. All the way inside. Nothing hidden.
I believe that healing comes from being loved, and loving someone else. In full. In all honesty, to the deepest levels of each others souls. No shame to who you are. No judgments. Ever. Do you really need more therapy? Did it ever help? What is wrong with trying to heal through absolute trust and love?
I am SWM, Jewish, 40, live alone on the UES. I try to live a very healthy lifestyle these days and need you to be a partner in that. Healthy food, outdoor exercise. You don't have to be a supermodel, neither am I. We do have to be active.
I am not looking for a play partner, I would consider it, but I really prefer a monogamous relationship.
ABSOLUTE DISCLAIMER: This is about adult psychology. We are not kids. This is strictly about finding a safe adult way to play and live with another consenting adult.
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