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| I'm back in the market. Sort of. I've had my share of ups and downs in the last year or so. Its a lot to delve into at the moment, so I'll refrain.
I'm a 22 yr old mother living in 'upstate' new york. Not Ithaca or Buffalo upstate, but middle Hudson Valley area.
My biggest pet peeve is a man who is not good for his word. If you are in the position of a leader, a role model, a teacher, a support beam.... How can you find comfort in knowing so much of what you say is untrue or unfounded?
Just, don't lie. Really.
I've found my persepective of bdsm to vary over the last few yrs. My submission is not something that will ever leave, but as of late of realized I'd be much better suited keeping the majority of my submission behind closed doors. I give my respect and adoration where it's due, but should not be expected to lay my coat out for you to cross a puddle. I'll add more to this later.
I'm a loyal, loving woman. As all of us do, I have experienced the occasion in which I faltered. It is one of the single moments in my life I continue to regret, but I know in a sense it has made be a better person. I love to be loved. I seek my own comfort in the satisfaction of others (I suppose that is semi-obvious).
My child is the reason for my living. Every waking moment is dedicated to him. My life has been spared for the time being to continue to teach this little boy what he needs to make it through life until he's reached that ever-looming manhood.
Although I do come off a bit brash, maybe even intimidating at times, because of the rough around the edges way I go about, I actually AM woman who knows her place and when standing my ground is appropriate. I just... sometimes ignore that knowledge.
I was known growing up as one of the opinionated loud mouths. I advocated for those who needed it and leant a hand to whoever I could. I'm hard headed and I don't like taking hand outs.
I've had some health issues going on very prominently in the last year or so as well, which is a day-to-day progression. I'm becoming healthier as I work at my discrepancies and unnecessary (avoidable) faults.
I'll end this for now. If you'd like a little more insight, check out my significantly un-updated journal entries.
****Oh, also, I will be honest, I have a bad habit of not responding or initiating conversations with users whose profiles dont contain photographs, so please attach one or make it known you intend to do so in the near future. Its not because I'm vain and want to make sure you're "hot" or anything, just because I like to see the face of the person I'm talking to, even if the interaction is a cyber one!****
Promise to try and update soon.
~Anylah
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I need to begin this "entry" with an apology to my friends and others here on CM. My behaviour lately has been significantly inappropriate. Ive been ignoring a number of emails, and ceasing contact or conversations for no apparent reason.
That being said, I'll attemt to explain myself, although I expect no acceptance.
We are now a little more than mid-way through June and admittedly, I'm falling apart. In February I lost a very very close personal friend, and I've been handling it terribly. Shortly after, in March, another friend I'd known most of my life, but not as close as the first, passed away as well. This week, I've learned that a man who had several influences in my life, in an extremely short time, was murdered in front of his home, his wife was severely injured. He has made the third passing in under four months time. The last, I can say I'm still in shock from. It hasnt really settled into my soul, but my mind is quickly trying to adjust. The second, although I feel much pain for her passing, I can accept, despite her youth and the foolish decisions that lead to her demise. The first though, I seem unable to bear still. His death is still unexplained. There is more mystery than anything else surrounding his death, and daily the turmoil I feel in my heart seems to worsen. I've tried to ignore the treachorous ache I continue to experience, but to no avail. Just as well, my persistant health issues are not helping the matter. Depression very closely lingers, and I've been trying my damnedest to keep it at bay. I've met a wonderful man that I've been dating and the prospect of this relationship becoming serious has begun to lift my spirit. Yet, in the same week, another man, whom I've quite a bit of history with, has professed his love for me, and confused contemplation has eagerly settled back into my state of being.
I suppose some of you might thing taking a break from everything and focusing on my self could be a solution, but I find the less interaction I face, the more I am easily distracted. Idle hands are the devils handiwork, and I am fighting with passion to avoid it. |
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from KinkyVoodoo
"nice pics but where your boobies ?"
lmfao |
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You know, for the most part, I've been spared of emails from "Doms" trying to feed me orders from the get-go. I've been one of the lucky women on this site. But today, I check in to receive :
"kneel and open your mouth".
Perhaps it may have been a little emasculating, but I couldnt help to reply with anything other that "lmfao". *sigh*
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In other news, I've begun writing again. I used to write short stories fairly often before I had my son. Since I've had him though, I've lacked the time and energy to start up again. On the occasions I do have it, I find myself lacking inspiration. I started a story, that all in all may not end up being all that short, but whatever inspiration I had found, seems now to have disappeared. I go back to it continuously, adding a few sentences here and there, moving others, making adjustments to wording, etc. But my creativity has taken itself once again to simmer on the back burner.
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Christmas was uneventful. It was a small one this year but there were no largely dramatic disasters that took place, so all in all it can be deemed a success I suppose.
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I spoke to Zxy yesterday. I know most of you don't know this but he and I have actually been friends for several years, since long before I became even AWARE of the possibilities of BDSM or anything within the lifestyle.... And he's one I consider to be amongst the closest.
Anyway, strangely for him, he seemed ALMOST JOLLY. LOL Its nice when I get to recognize him in these moods. Between the two of us he's the one who's definitely had more turmoil to push through in life, and although as much of those burdens as I've tried to take on myself for him, things are far from equal between us in that sense. I admit I miss the hell out of him. He moved back to Syracuse again and I told him a few weeks ago I'd try to come up w/ a friend to visit. Looks like he'll probably be coming to the area first though so I'm hoping I'll get to hang out with him a little. Honestly its a bit of a relief. I do very much so want to visit with him, but I fear if I go to Syracuse the possibilities and temptations would be perhaps a little too strong for me to ignore, being within such close proximity to... Someone else.
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Honestly that "someone else" and I have spoken here and there and he had told me he'd be coming down to see me during his vacation (which is supposedly lasting until Jan 19th). I did look forward to the prospect of the visit. I'm not sure why though. I mean, despite what happened between us, I'm always going to have love for him. I'm always going to feel drawn to him. I guess he was right in a sense. When he was deployed he always used to tell me I'd always belong to him one way or another. I took it more of a threat than anything else when we were butting heads. I mean, no, I'm no longer his sub, or his woman, or anything else, but for some reason one little corner of my heart still wants to throw itself at him. I think maybe the reason I was anticipating the prospect of the visit was because I want to see how much will that little corner still has. It doesnt matter if its enough to break my own will to stay away from him, because there could never be an us again, but it does matter if its small enough to ignore and really allow myself that indulgence with any other man again. It hasnt been long and whatever it is you want to call what we had was very whirlwind, but I know to take it for what its worth. I think I just felt better about the idea of doing it on familiar territory.
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Well, my little boy is going to be 2 a month from Monday! This year has brought amazing milestones for both he and I. I truly am grateful for the chance I was given to raise this child as my own, to be able to watch him grow and change every day. Despite the travesty of an excuse for a father he has, I am grateful his loser ass knocked me up before he took off. :-D
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Ta-ta for now Lovees. May the New Year (or so according to the christian calender) find you in good health, happiness, and bring you much opportunity and prosperity.
~Anylah~
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My boy will NOT let me turn off Caliente channel on XM/Sirius.
Oh boy.
La Familia Vuitton golpea otra vez!
He's goin w/ "daddy" Josh and Brian & Papi Jose y Abuela Kathy & Tio Sammy & primo Harlem for a while.
LOL Thats it- He's ALL YOURS!
(Happy J? I wrote it how you wanted lol)
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Hey everyone. Just figured I'd let you all know I probably wont be online for a while. I few days, a week, two, maybe longer... Who the fuck knows. Scumbags are getting their way though so I'm the one getting the shit end of the stick as always. If you have my number use it. If not, I guess you're out of luck and you'll have to wait like the rest of the world. Fuck the crackheads, fuck the whores,fuck the haters, fuck the bitches that give single mothers a bad name, and fuck the herpified little skank whose face just might bite the curb if she wasnt so pussy shed have the cops at my door. Sorry, my son and future are far more important. I'm not about lettin my life slip away while I'm drownin myself in drugs and dirty cock after sloppy nasty dirty cock. Yeah that would mean YOU. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. IF NOT YOU'RE A BLOODY MORON. IF YOU THINK FOR EVEN A SLIGHT SECOND THIS COULD BE IN REFERENCE TO YOU, PLEASE EXIT STAGE LEFT NOW.
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Well, my dreams of being a Paramedic, are gone. They have been shattered and I am now working hard upon myself to move on. I feel as though I may just have to work through the grief stages to bypass this one.
The day before election day, I hurt my foot. Blah blah, Doc rules it as a back problem, orders and MRI. Okay. 3 weeks later, I break my hand. Doc thinks the tumor in my hand (where I broke it, and why I broke it) is from Hyperparathryroidism. Other Doc sends me for thryoid/parathryroid ultrasound.
I get them both done during the same week. I go back to Doc #2. Its not hyperparathryroidism, go back to #1. I go back to Doc #1. He looks at hand again to check healing process, says come back to see me in a month, we'll go from there. Then looks at MRI and says, well.... Bad news.
I have 8 herniated discs, it looks like two of them are wedged, and I am developing arthritis. If I continue studying and working in the EMS field, I'll probably end up in a wheel chair, 3 years max if I'm SUPER careful about it all. Between that and my hand, it will probably never be strong enough again after surgeries to work in that field either.
Thats the first update.
Two, is despite that, I have been seeing someone for almost two months now. Its pretty "vanilla". Im slowly trying to get him to take a bigger role in control and all, but he is far from used to having such an accomadating woman in his life, so we will see how things turn out. Things are good so far. Off for now, will write more soon, I promise.
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I too have to express the outpouring of emotions I am feeling right now.
I havent slept yet. My heart is too filled with hope to slow down.
In a nation that was founded on the ideas of brotherhood and equality,
two hundred and thirty-two years later, the people have finally shown
that both of those have been reached.
I have spent most of my life ashamed of sharing the last name of a *certain* political figure.
Now I can say with a pride filled chest, I am a citizen of a country who has spoken.
The people have SPOKEN.
THANK YOU.
Its about time.
I'm honestly much less afraid now of raising my son in this country.
I'm no longer stricken with the fear that my child (and hypothetical
future children) will never understand that equality is not just a
mindset. Its a RIGHT.
I no longer fear I will have simple, mild examples of those who have overcome such obstacles in life when encouraging him.
I can now show my son what its like to truely be proud of where we come from. I am not afraid of instilling false pride in him.
I have a lot more confidence now in the world my children will be
raised in. The world they will inherit when my time is gone. The
rebuilding of this glorious nation begins today. We will pass this task
into the hands of our children and we can do so with a little more ease.
Ladies and gentlemen, its time for Change, and we made that happen.
IT HAPPENED.
Barack Obama is the President Elect. He & VP Elect Joe Biden will
be sworn in as the new leaders of the free world in 2 months and 15
days.
On that day, we can happily send Mr. Bush out with that all too deserved one finger salute.
I. Cant. Wait.
The emotions in my heart and my mind are overwhelming me right now, even still.
As I stood outside and watched the sun rise, witnessed the breaking of
a new (cold) day, I felt refreshed. A sense of renewed self that Ive
not experienced in a long, long time washed over me.
One day, one step at a time.
That time is now.
I am an American.
****Jenn for President 2024****
:-D
Also, please let us not forget amongst all of the happenings, next
week, Tuesday, November 11th, is Veterans Day. I am not scolding those
who dont do it on a regular basis,but you really should, and especially
on that day. Go out of your way to thank a Veteran. Thank every single
one of our brothers and sisters you know, every one that you meet,
every one that has taken the chance to serve this country of ours. If
they hadn't, we may never have been given the opprotunities that we
have. There may never have been a President Elect Obama. It doesnt
matter if they've seen combat or not. They put their names and lives on
the line.
Thank the Veterans.
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This actually was taken from a recent conversation with a friend of mine. I realize its been some time since I updated this journal (yet again) so I decided to go ahead and share with all of you what I've shared in this correspondence.
I've been better, life in general has been better. As always though, if lifes trials and tribulations to not kill me, I will persevere. I'm sure you've read I'm no longer with TBF. We did indeed speak a few CIVIL words to one another before the last sunset. Our conversation yesterday was minimal as it was anything. There is no hope for rekindling what was once there && all in all I know I'm better for it. I recently kind of put my focus on this "alternative" part of my life to the back burner and have been doing quite a bit of vanilla dating again. I never thought I'd say this, but... Its relaxing not to work so intently at every first meeting simply to gain approval or anything to snag that perfect impression. Its much more comfortable for me right now. I'm actually in a pretty rough place, and my not being able to find salvation is again overcoming me to some extent. I am still working feverently to care for myself and my son, and to stand with some sort of pride anymore whilst I try to finish school, but it becomes harder with each passing day. I occasionally find myself staring off into space when I have a quiet moment, thinking about all the "what ifs". Doing that is definitely a mood killer to say the least. I rarely sleep anymore, and when I do it is far from restful. I've had a number of betrayels in my circle the last few months too, which, well... hasnt helped my self esteem at all (lol). Mildly put, for the time being- life is shit. My son is the only thing that truly keeps me waiting for the sun to rise again, and the one reason I know there will be a brighter day. For now, I'm just waiting.... |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zvKnNr34xk |
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I know its been over a month since my last post, and as much as I wish I had more time for detail, I have to keep this short and sweet.
TBF and I are no more. It was a mess and should not have been. I suppose the good came from it that I learned a little more about myself; especially just how vulnerable I continue to allow myself to be. I've moved back to my sisters' house for a few months. I'm refreshing this fall and testing again in December. Adriel is doing well and becoming a more handsome, impressive little boy with each passing day. He's talking non-stop (although mostly in his own language) and a new aspect of his personality dawns almost everytime I blink. I continue to strive at finding something for work that wont destroy me, atleast until I pass that damn test. I've lost one of my best friends, not in the physical sense, but shes managed to pick up a nasty little drug addiction in the two weeks I spent away last month, and I wont have that around me or my child. Its devestating but until shes ready to accept some help Im steering clear. Ive made a few new friends recently, as well as connected with some from the past, and its a good feeling.
In the last few weeks Ive noticed a lot of change in the community. People seem to be coming together more, and drama seems to be dwindling. Maybe its me. Maybe my pessimistic side is fading a little bit for some reason, but people are just appearing to be kinder to one another lately. Its a beautiful thing.
Also one last note, if anyone in the hudson valley area checks this out, I'm sure you've heard about Eddie Ryan and the all-but-war his family is battling with the USMC and VA Hospitals and foundations lately. Tomorrow, August 3rd, 2008 at 5pm at the Chance Theatre, there will be a benefit concert to aid Eddie's family. PLEASE ATTEND IF YOU ARE ABLE TO DO SO!!!!! Further information and directions are available on the Chance website : http://www.thechancetheatre.com/
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Okay its june 27th. daddy has been home for a week and has yet to call me. to see me. barely even spoken to me. i had about a two hour conversation i got out of him the other day but when he said hed be right back, he never came back online. he knows my phone is off and i dont have the access to get online whenever i want but doesnt seem to care. i understand hes been "BUSY" and had things to take care of... but all the promises seem like empty lies now that the time has come. what happened to coming to get me and taking me with him while he was doing his running around and taking care of business? and he says his phone is lost but its not as if there arent any other phones out there to use!!! whatever i am just so freakin IRATE right now. im going to the gym. im gonna go work out. beat the hell out of the punching bag. pretend its someone or some people im not toofond of right now. i just love being made a fool of ya know? everytime i let my heart go, i get it stepped on. that sounds like love if ive ever heard it... how bout you? |
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Well now its Monday, June 9th. Daddy is supposed to be back stateside in 9 days and I cannot wait. Im not sure whats going to happen or if Ill even see him... but if the gods will it, Ill be at his feet in no time. I just cant FREAKIN wait! |
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TBF and I are back together. I am here for his pleasure and his pain; I am his leaning post and his shoulder; I am his toy to play with and his window when he needs to blow steam.
He'll be home soon and I truly can not wait to feel him next to me, inside me, and above me. I look forward to his use and his releasing all the pent up energy of this deployment on me. :-D I love you daddy. |
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As of now I am owned again by TBF. We both need to learn to understand one another better, I just pray he allows me in rather then keeping me out so firmly. I love the man just wish he'd keep his word when he says it.
Even Scranton didnt make me cry like He has. I dont let any man with a heartbeat bring tears to my eyes. Instead I sit here contemplating my sanity on a very serious note. |
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So things were a little crazy the last few days, with everything, but I spoke to Sir yesterday about us and although it was brief, I think things will end up being okay. I just am hoping He understand where I was coming from, just as I am doing my best to understand why sometimes He acts as He does and I am working on being more acceptable of those times. I know He struggles and I am not the easiest woman to be with or deal with, let alone the best submissive I can be, but its a growing process, and every Dominant has His preferences. Its hard because I dont ever put myself through a lot of what I take from him, but I do have love for this man, and I am sure things will be different when He is home, I just hope I can keep Him happy. I know this war is stressing him out, as it is everyone I just hope the toll it takes isnt permanent. Ive been spending a lot more time getting to know my sister and I do look forward to getting to see her next month, and when my love comes home. :-D |
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I've been very very busy recently and have found little or no time to get online via the computer, so I apologize for the lack in updates in my journal here. Things between Sir and my sister and I were a little rough for a time but we are all working on it with one another. She and I want what is best for Him and for Him to be happy so we are doing what needs to be done to make everything work. He can be a bit of a confusing man at times, but I do understand how stressed He is and can be, and I know my own stressors only make His occasional foul moods seem worse. Sir will be home in 6 weeks though I truly cannot wait to see Him. I guess the countdown has begun.  |
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Not much has happened in the last few days, I've been very busy with my little man and with school, so I havent had TIME for much else to really go on in the mean time. I'm two weeks away from the state final... and CRAZY nervous... Crunch time is here!!!!
**I did however find out last night, I have an A- average in my class. Was missing some homeworks but I've finished all of those but three pages of what I was doing (each is double sided) so my grade will be going up tomorrow night too** |
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So I know its been two days, but I havent really had much access to my computer the last few days so I'm going to try and catch up a little bit. I've been pretty busy with the baby... still so glad he's back home here with me. Now that passover is upon us I've also been working a bit but its nothing major. Sir and I really only spoke a little the last two days, but this afternoon I did speak to the woman who's supposed to be my "sister". She's soooo much like me! She's got a couple years on me as far as age goes, but we've got a lot in common. Both of us think most women are backstabbing and catty (is this a good thing or a bad thing, do you think?) but both of us just want Him to be happy. I feel a little odd now that I've spoken with her though. I mean shes a sweet heart and I enjoyed talking to her, but I also learned a lot I didn't know about Sir and their relationship. Well, not a lot but a few things. Sir doesnt eat veggies... lol I knew about something else between them the other day, but I didnt know how far back their history with one another went (eight years?) and to be honest I feel kind of out of place now. I dont know how I feel about it. Sir says he knows how he wants things done and to be arranged once he's home, but I feel like I'll be stepping on toes, and I dont want to have her uncomfortable either. Not only that, but from what I understand, she and I are on the same level as far as jealousy goes. Sir already made it clear he wont really be having that, but I'm hoping it wont be any kind of problem.*Shrugs* Itll all be figured out, I have faith in that, one way or another. I'm pretty tired and hopefully Sir will be calling back later so I'm going to try and relax a little. Hopefully he wont be too angry with me ((I told "sis" I'd call her back after nine when my night time minutes kicked in, also so I could make sure my phone was charged, but I got sooo busy at the hotel by the time I got done I didnt want to call and wake her... maybe tomorrow- I did enjoy talking to her.))
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Sir wants me to try and write something every day and so Im giving tonight a shot before it gets any later. Ive been a little stressed all day and only spoke to Sir for a very short time late this morning and early this afternoon so not much went on. I was supposed to go get some running around done and go take the baby out walking and do some myself... hes been cranky all day though, so I didnt get out. I did some things Sir wanted done earlier and then took the little one around in the stroller to finally get him calm. Had dinner with mom and am just home now waiting on my love and having a drink while I watch the game. I still have that crazy light feeling inside of me... My brain kind of hurts though. Everything is moving in such a whirlwind... I like it. |
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So right now it is about a quarter to 4, AM on the US East Coast. Sir and I have been talking the majority of the last few hours, and even though I am EXHAUSTED I wish I didnt have to get offline and go to bed. Hes really something else. I dont know what, but nothing like Ive ever experienced before. Everday He keeps me on my toes. I find myself looking at my phone every time Ive got a moment on my own to see if I have a message waiting from Him. Everytime my phone makes a noise, let alone rings I find myself hoping that it will be Him on the other end. Yesterday I looked at my phone as it rang and actually crossed my fingers, and guess what? Yeah, it was actually Him! This sounds terrible, but I almost feel like Im in high school mode again. I have this new, exciting relationship in front of me and the possibilities are almost endless ahead of us. Ive been trying to keep myself a step ahead to make sure hes happy without my being asked but the last few days have been a little harder as we've both had a number of things come up. I wish He wasnt so far off but I just keep pinching myself and reminding myself that He'll be home soon. (And, no, I know what you all are thinking- or atleast those of you who know me are thinking and dont know better already- he is NOT in prison) Thanks for taking a minute to read this again everyone, enjoy yourselves and each other. |
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So, here I write Y/you all again. Y/you may have noticed the last entry missing. Sir wasnt happy about the personal stuff being up any more, and well, He's completely right, so *poof* it's gone. Its been a week and let me tell Y/you... Its been a rough week. I am really trying to adjust to being collared again. Its not easy but I want to so badly, Im not going to just give up. Sir is really a good man, and I can tell everytime I hear his voice. I know He only wants what is best for me and my son, so Im going to do my best to allow Him to help me and to mold me into a better person. I get such a light feeling inside me when I know He's pleased with me or when He's generally happy. I havent actually felt like I've wanted to serve someone like this in a long long long time. I just cant wait until He comes home in June!!! 
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~*~Collared by a wonderful man --TBKF~*~ -- Everything I do is monitored, so get the point and get it quick, I am NOT looking for anyone else. I am open to friendship with subs and primarily sub switches, but thats it for now unless it is someone Sir wants me to associate with. I am content in my placement and I get everything I need from Him.-- |
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 Well, I've been here about eight and a half months, and I've finally found someone. Well, I should say He found me. We lost contact for a while, but he came back into my life like a twister and swept me off my feet. LOL
He's a good man, and I'm looking forward to doing my best with Him and seeing where this leads. (And no, I cant stop smiling)
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Wow its been almost 3 months since I last posted. Ill update you quickly.
Im back in school for the spring semester after a medical withdrawl at the very end of last semester. Breezing through the class, only going as a formality for the state, Ill take the state test in Albany in May. Its a good class, less problems and more fun than last semester. I moved back in with my parents, for a variety of reasons, no need to explain. My son turned one the end of January, and I am not 9 days away from my Twenty-First. Its true, the predictions my friends and I made... but everyone learns it at some point. The years drag and drag till you're all grown up, then they go so fast you'll wish you could hit rewind a few times just to convince yourself it all happened. Please, now half of us have kids too, its insane. I am still on the market, if you will, but Im again, not pursuing anything seriously at this point. Im also currently serving jury duty for the next two months (joy joy). Things are well otherwise, still looking for a decent job. Bout to go finish up an app at Walmart at this point. Anyway, its just a short note, so you all know how to reach me... spring is coming! |
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Heres a poem I found last night and was really diggin...
"Dark Lover"
Maggie Shayne
I love not the night
but he drew me,
With dark whispers beckoned me near
His shadows I thought
would subdue me,
Enslave me in chains made of fear
I wished not to look
but he wooed me,
His strong, gentle hand turned my face
I opened my eyes and saw beauty,
Where I'd seen but a desolate place
I fled from the night
but he chased me,
He caught me in arms of dark steel
I sighed as I let him embrace me
In his touch, at last, I could feel
I turned to the night
and he kissed me,
On his lips I tasted sweet wine
I opened to night's
sacred mystery
He took me, and whispered, "You're mine"
The night has become
my dark lover
By day but a dream, bittersweet
At sunset I run
to no other
My surrender to night is complete
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Hey guys- I got bored, so I found and slightly edited a few old bits Ive written over time, figured Id post them up and give you something new to read.
---------Jenn
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Quietly I await, looking into the night sky, begging for a moment of redemption. Your eyes bore into me from afar, waiting for me to cleanse myself of the sins which have damned me to this place. I know you, and no matter how much I wish I could move to your side, to embrace that which is you, I must wait, and only hope to be granted the serenity of purification. My days until now, have been shadowed and tainted. My attempt to bring light once more into my life has brought me here. I am aware of your need to see my actions justified or condemned. That is what will make your desicion. I feel the cold breeze around me whispering laughter and threats from my past, but all the while I feel the heat of your gaze, warming me to what lies ahead. Finally my moment of judgement arrives, and I feel the knife stabbing, to bleed me of my sins, with sharp pain in my abdomen. I want to run to you, to feel your comforting arms encircle me, but this is what will determine my strength, and perseverance, and force of will, to push forward unto a new day, a new light, a new beginning, all in all a new life, simply for your namesake. When it is over, I lay tired and bloody, bruised and worn in the high grasses, like a wounded doe. You come to me and stand above me, a glimmer in your wonderful eyes, and as I drift into the peaceful unconsciousness, you lift me and carry me on to the place I have been graced with allowing to awaken in. You silently wish me sweet dreams, and I close my eyes, the lull of your heartbeat easing the pain of my past.
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I sit completely still unable to feel or see. I hear not a pin drop nor a whisper in the wind. I can not acknowledge a single presence around me. Above and below me, to either side in each direction the gods have given us, there is as always nothing. I know further away, beyond my reach, they are there. They linger patiently waiting for me to make an attempt at my escape. The ambush I would face is remarkable. The others though, they say I carry enough of the grace and agility alongside my wisdom to defeat them and continue. It seems ever repetitive. Continually I become blinded and deafened. Numb to the pain, unnoticing of the red rivers flowing across my body. Crossing, becoming intwined within one another. By the time I break through, it seems as though the path led directly back unto itself. Its the circle I am bound to follow. The day I am able to break the cycle is the day I am free. Until then, once in a while I must look up, to the face I know is there but I cannot identify in the blackness, and beg for the guidance I seek.
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The intamacy of this is over-bearing. No matter how closely I pull myself to you, it never seems enough to make me want to push away. The weight of you above me is asphixiating. The scent of you filling the air is intoxicating. The sound of your voice in my ear is deafening. The sight of your eyes piercing my soul is blinding. You surround me to every extent. Your aura is one of pure power, and mine too weak to match. Simply it finds contentment in mingling. Embracing us in a blur within one another, our minds and bodies... just as you do me. You have become my muse, you give me inspiration. Yet you control me; you fill me with passion but knock me down in the same moment. When you bring me along with you, riding effortlessly to that beautiful horizon, ever presenting the strength of the stallion inside of you. The climb is a slow and tortuous one, but you take me in stride. Your demands are that which require great self sacrifice, but you are continuously gentle & with your pet in mind. When the terrain breaks, and the end is upon us, I collapse, once more letting my being go, to bend and break in your hand.
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Im still kind of lost in myself. My last semi-serious D/s relationship keeps on coming back to haunt me, and I know every day my will to fight that ghost becomes stronger, but sometimes I just want to let it win.  Other times I simply wish I already had someone else, and that those little thoughts of returning wouldnt exist. I know the only reason I let them slip into my head is because I have not found anyone else. I wont lie and say there arent a few possibilities, but for some reason I just dont feel like Im being successful. I sound ignorant I know, as if I think this is something easy, and it should just come to be without the effort of creating that necessary bond, but that my friends is not that case. Im no fool. Perhaps its just because I have yet to feel like I want to with anyone. Past or present. My thoughts are still akin to those of my last post. I need so much more than just to be some mans submissive. Im ready to settle down.  Thats what I think is my problem. I see a lot of potential in all of those Im currently corresponding with, but something in the back of my mind keeps telling me this isnt all there is for me. Something bigger and better is out there and waiting for me to stumble upon it. Maybe I actually have and just havent realized it yet.  I simply want to explode . I worry about myself sometimes. I know that in all of this, my consideration revolves very much around my son. I need to know whoever I end up with, settling or not, will not try to push Himself in front of my little boy, nor will he simply ignore the child due to him not being of His own seed... I have got to stop letting myself get so damned stressed out.  |
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Things did not work out with the person I was speaking with. It seems as though I keep coming upon these... guys that insist they are the "man" Ive been looking for. No Im not so ignorant to believe that. Its just so tiring. I am so thankful as to have not allowed myself any feelings toward him. The real problem I continue to find myself coming across, is that I seem not to let the past be the past. Maybe its because I have yet to find that man to help me forget the past, or move on more completely. I cannot claim I feel honest despair regarding my realizations, but its not something thats leaves the mind much confidence. Merely it leaves insecurities that Ive never really experienced before. I never cared about when I might find someone I could see myself spending more than a few weeks, or months with. I thinked Ive aged too quickly for my own good. I know my son has much to do with that factor, but most of it was evident long before he was here. I feel silly, being 20 years old and yet I find myself reaching out in the night, yearning for that comfort of a lovers arms, the ease in knowing my protector is at my side, and the joy of knowing when all is well I can serve myself in serving him, feeling those positively purest moments of self-love. I've begun only recently to know that I've got much learning to do in the prospects of living as ones Submissive behind closed doors, away from the eyes of loved ones and living as ones equal as well, outside those doors... Managing life not only as a woman, and a friend, and a lover, but also as a slave, a toy, a whim completing slut if that is so what my Master wishes me to be. I need that vanilla side of things though, I feel the pull of it as strongly as I feel the urge to serve and please a man. I am a very social woman, my loved ones are who I am. I am a loyal, strong, caring, defensive, fight tooth and nail to the death if you mess with them, spend most of my free time with them, take care of them like I want to be taken care of kind of woman. I do find intense moments of hopelessness though. It seems that my standards are set perhaps too high. Maybe its me. Maybe I come off as too Domineering personally. I admit I can be. I was, am, and forever will be a force to be wreckoned with when need be. I was the epitomy of anti-authority growing up... If I want something, I usually go after it. Oh well I suppose. Thats enough of my ramling. For now I must try and re-enter that paralell world we all know as the unconsious-subconsious... Tata my dears, and take care. |
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Well I did learn to drive standard that day. I think Ive gotten pretty good. The puddle jumper will be mine soon. Im not handing over the cash till the old lady finds the title though. My son hasnt seen his "father" since that last visit. Its just the same though. Ive been seeing someone lately, but Im not sure where its going. Its early still and Im obviously hesitant. Theres been a lot of drama coming up lately, mainly to do with him, which Im not trying to have ya know, so I am still on the market... I havent been on CM much lately either. Ive been busy with school and my son and trying to find a place to time has been of the essence. Ill write more again soon, just wanted to leave an update. |
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Alright, lets see- How can I update you without writing a short story....
Sunday, my son saw his "father" for the second time. His girlfriend kissed my ass (I think she was afraid if she didnt I would beat her ass), just like he usually does. Went shopping for a few things. Came home. My girl Rogue and I are in the process of trying to get a car (or I have to learn standard) by Thursday, so we can hit up the Buckcherry, Hinder, and Papa Roach show in Syracuse. Was gonna rent- but not at $120/day and then some. My boy Wade is gonna attempt to teach me how to drive the puddle jumper this afternoon. We'll see what happens man!!! |
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Hey hey Kiddies... I know I kind of disappeared there for a minute, but fear not, I have not abandoned CM just yet... TW just screwed some shit up on us so we were w/o the net for about a week there.. Im back though, just dont count on me to be around much at night or on the weekend... k? k. |
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Soooo, I didnt make it to the Simpsons movie last night.... Im on 750 mg of vicodin every six 8 hrs and its got me TORN up (yay for wisdom teeth extractions). Hopefully by next weekebd Ill be able to get out to see it. Ive realized I need to throw this out there... Unless you plan on frequent travel dont contact me byond the surrounding NY area. I am especially not interested if yo are from another country, unless you intend to move to the states in the bear future. Oh, and one more thing... READ THE PROFILE BEFORE YOU CONTACT ME OR YOUR MESSAGE WILL GET DELETED UPON OPENING.
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So, tonight will mark 3 days. Ive gotten a number of inquiries already. Some of them a little out there for me, and some of them decent. I'll give this a few more weeks to see how I like the interactions and everything here. If nothing, it'll probably turn into a once-in-a-blue thing checking my mail. Thanks for everyone who has written so far. Ttyl. 
**Simpsons Movie comes out Friday!!!** |
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| Age: 52 |
| Hudson,
Florida |
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