1,000 VOICES SURVEY!

You are invited ... to participate in a survey exploring how people meet their D/s partners.

Does the way we meet make a relationship more or less likely to last?  I am particularly interested in whether people meet on- or offline, whether they meet through posting an ad or other means.  I'm also interested in how quickly they make a commitment to one another and, if they meet online, how quickly they move to real-time meetings.  I am interested whether there are any differences among kinds of BDSM relationships (do Masters and slaves meet in a different way than Mommies and babyboys, for example?) and among different orientations (for example, do lesbians meet in a different way than straights?).  I am hoping for 1,000 respondents, as I believe that will show real trends.

The Surveyor I am a straight monogamous submissive babygirl.  I have a Masters degree in a helping profession, and I worked for many years as an individual, couples and family counsellor. I have had two real-time D/s relationships. On FL, I run two groups, "Partner-Searching", and "Monogamy Personals".  It was through discussions with others who are searching that I became inspired to develop this survey.

Who Qualifies Anyone who is CURRENTLY or HAS EVER been in a real-time committed BDSM relationship of more than four months duration, counting from the first statement of commitment, is invited to participate.

Gay, lesbian, straight, transgendered, heteroflexible and gender-fluid people are all welcome to participate.

People in monogamous, poly, married, common-law, dating or open relationships are all welcome to participate.

I commit to the following:
- while your personal information will be used in tabulating the results, I will never publish the individual answers you give, on CM, FL or elsewhere.
- I will not tell anyone the name of the survey participants.
- I will provide you with a copy of the survey results after the survey is complete and the results are tabulated. This will most likely take the form of a "Writing" on FL, plus a quick PM to you providing the link to the results writing.
- This survey is intended solely for the use of FL members, and I will only publish the survey results on FL. 

By completing the survey, you agree to the following:
- to give honest answers.
- to fully answer the 7 qualifying questions.
- other than the 7 qualifying questions, to leave any question blank which you choose not to answer. The answers you do give will still be included in the survey.
- after completing the survey, to accept contact requesting clarification regarding one or more of your answers.  You may choose to provide the clarification requested, or you may choose not to.
- to only complete the survey once, even if you have multiple CM or FL profiles.
- not to post your answers to the survey questions on CM or FL until the survey is complete and the results are posted.  You may be willing to share your answers with the whole BDSM community, but publicly posting them while others are still considering the questions may influence their answers.

How to participate in the survey:
- Answer the 7 questions below and send me your answers by PM.  When I receive your answers, if you qualify for the survey, I will send you the remaining questions.

- If you have any concerns you'd like to address before completing the survey, you are invited to send me a PM.

Survey Definitions

REAL-TIME = any relationship in which there have been two or more face to face encounters.

COMMITTED = any relationship in which the intention of both or all parties is for the relationship to be ongoing rather than transitory. Where there is a time-limit stated in the contract, if the term is longer than 4 months, it is counted as "committed" for the purposes of this survey.

BDSM RELATIONSHIP = any relationship in which BDSM elements are present. This includes M/s, D/s, O/p, DD/bg and switch relationships, as well as more loosely defined relationships in which bondage, discipline or sado-masochism are frequently practised.

STATEMENT OF COMMITMENT = some verbal agreement between both or all parties that the relationship is intended to be an ongoing one.

THE QUALIFYING QUESTIONS

1. Are you currently, or have you ever been, in a real-time committed BDSM relationship which has lasted more than four months? [see definitions, above]: SELECT: Yes / No.

2. How many such relationships have you been in? PROVIDE NUMBER.

If you have been in more than one real-time committed BDSM relationship, the remainder of your answers in the survey should apply to the longest-lasting one.

3.  Regardless of how long you knew each other first, or what your relationship was previously, please give the month and year that you consider the BDSM relationship to have started.  FOR EXAMPLE, September, 2009.

4. If the relationship is over, please give the month and year that the relationship ended.  FOR EXAMPLE, February, 2012.  [If the relationship is still ongoing, leave blank].

5. How many real-time, face to face contacts did you have over the course of the relationship?  SELECT: none / one / two / more than two.

6. Did all parties involved understand the relationship as a committed BDSM relationship? SELECT: Yes / No / Not Sure.  If "not sure", please briefly explain.

7. What was the "statement of commitment" that was made?  SELECT ALL THAT APPLY: legal marriage / engagement / public celebration of union / collaring ceremony which others attended / private collaring ceremony / written contract / verbal statement / other.  If "other",  please describe.

~ Thank you for completing the qualifying questions.  Send me your answers by PM, and if you qualify, I will then send you the remaining questions.~ 

Wild weekend happening for me.  Nothing kinky, alas, just three major social engagements in three days.  So if I am slow responding to messages, that's why.  See you on Monday!

Men who insist on HWP who are not themselves HWP clearly have no sense of irony.  Or else an over-developed sense of arrogance.  In either case, it's their loss.  I may not be "HWP", but I am as cute as a button, as well as being intelligent, articulate, funny, self-aware and perceptive.  And, OMG, waaaaaaay kinky.

I have my own prejudices, too.  I can't make myself be attracted to men who are illiterate, or who have bad teeth.  But at least I don't expect more of them than I do of myself.  I am a voracious reader and a competent writer, and even though I am phobic of dentists, I still go regularly and keep my teeth taken care of.

/rant

Awakening

(c) Alexa Jayne Good, 2010.  All rights reserved.

I awaken before you. Your arm is flopped over my middle, heavy and warm. Your breathing is slow and steady; you are still asleep.

I ease out from under you, and in the near-dawn darkness I pad silently to the bathroom. Close the door carefully and take care of things. Then I return and slip back into bed. Mmmmm. You are a warm and solid presence beside me. I snuggle up to your bulk and drift back to sleep.

You awaken me sometime later: the first thing I am aware of is that you are shifting me from my side onto my belly, your hands large and powerful. Unarguable (not that I am inclined to argue). I smile as I surface from sleep. I open my eyes and see that this time sunlight is slanting through the vertical blinds, creating evocative pale and dark stripes on the far wall. Stripes. I do love stripes.

First your hands explore my ass, just wandering. Occasionally, one finger dips deep into the cleft, and I moan, rising to you. Your hand lands, wide and flat, on my ass. Not spanking. Not yet.

"You're awake," you say in your deep rumbly voice.

"Uh huh." I know better than to turn and face you. I stay in the position you have put me.

"Wait, babygirl," you order, and you shift off the bed. I hear you going to the dresser. I hear a drawer being opened. I know which one.

You are a genius. It's a special form of genius, admittedly, not appreciated by the general public. You always manage to apply exactly enough lube. Ample enough so that I don't tear or bruise. Little enough so that the bullet, pressed quicker than I would choose into my ass, makes me feel tight and full. I whimper. Happy babygirl, violated by her genius Daddy.

"Roll over," you order once the bullet has been shoved into its dark nesting place.

"Ouch," I complain, even as I obey you. I lay on my back and look up at you, smiling so that you'll know I'm a fraud; I'm not really in pain, at least not safeword pain.

You are beautiful. I know a Daddy is not supposed to be beautiful. A Daddy should be handsome or manly or strong. You are all those things, yes, but the first word that always comes to my mind is "beautiful". I savour the intensity of your eyes as you gaze down at me. The firm line of your mouth, with the hint of a smile at the corners. Your great bulk looming over me, clad only in your faded Winnipeg Bluebombers T-shirt. Even your rumpled, just-from-sleep hair. Everything about you is beautiful.

You hold your hand straight and push it to the right: open your legs, babygirl, at once.

Laughing now, I fling my legs wide. It's all yours, and I don't hesitate to display it for you.

Sometimes you stare for a long time, so long that I blush and squirm with the need to close my legs and reclaim my privacy, reclaim my personal boundaries.

Not this morning. The straight line of your mouth speaks of your focus. You swiftly slide the second, larger bullet into my pussy, and your big fingers follow it in, making sure that it is settled, that it will stay where you want it. I moan and raise my hips - play with me, Daddy! - but you shove down on my left hip with your free hand, and I understand. My task this morning is to receive. My task is to submit to your depredations. I subside onto the bed, my legs wide, the little invader in my ass an almost painful presence, the bigger invader in my pussy snugged against my G-spot in promise of delightful torment.

"Good girl," you rumble, and my whole body flushes to your praise.

Then you circle one finger, and I know that signal, too: roll onto your belly.

I joyously fling myself over and grab the pillow. Unless I've entirely mistaken the gleam in your eyes - and I am sure that I have not - I will very soon need something to hold onto.

"No, that won't do," you say.

You take the pillow away from me and replace it with Pierre. My wonderful red and white teddy-bear, much loved, a gift from dear friends before I had even met you.

As I hold Pierre against my cheek, his fur soft and comforting, you activate the vibe function on both bullets, and I gasp. OH! Straight up to the highest setting, with no warning! The bullets thrum inside me. Heat and longing blossom. Aaaaaah!

"Daddy ..." I moan and bury my face in Pierre's fur.

"Yes, babygirl?" you ask, even though you know that I've lost the ability to speak coherently. But you sound distracted; you've moved away from the bed. "Belt or crop?" you ask, and I realize that you are pondering the resources of the toy drawer.

"Unnnnnn," I manage and scrabble on the bed - although careful to keep my legs spread, as you haven't told me yet that I can close them.

"Alright, both," you say with a merry chuckle. "Greedy babygirl. The things you insist on Daddy doing for you before I've even had my coffee!"

The belt cracks down and creates a flash of shocking red across my vision, a lucious counterpoint to the golden glow at my core.

Oh, yes. I'm awake.

(c) Alexa Jayne Good, 2010.  All rights reserved.  This is the product of my imagination.  Please do me the courtesy of NOT copying it for any reason.  Thank you.

I would so very much like to meet you in real life.  You are a dominant man who has an easy-going response to life, and you are looking for a long-term relationship with a submissive woman.  Your life is not a chaotic train-wreck, and you have learned a great deal from your mistakes over the years.  You find the computer to be useful for making contact with new people, and for communication and research, but you don't live on it.  You are intelligent, literate, sensible about your own health and financially responsible.

Where are you?

Well, NaNoWriMo is over for another year.  I won, which means that I wrote 50,000 words of new fiction in the month of November.  Although I had difficulty getting into it at first, it ended up being my most satisfying NaNo so far.  I'm pleased with the book I've started, and I also really enjoyed the online and face-to-face writers community.

Now ... for some face-to-face kinky contacts.  Yep.

National Novel Writing Month starts on Tuesday!  I am aiming to write 50,000 words of new fiction in November, so I may not be around much.  Check it out: www.nanowrimo.org

 I just did a very difficult thing: I updated my age.  I had to go into "Edit Profile", click on the drop-down menu for "Age" and select 58 instead of 57.  It was exhausting.  I think I have to go lie down now.

/sarcasm.

There really is no excuse for not keeping one's age updated.

Do you like the cookie picture?  Someone sent it to me, with the subject line, "Well, the church threw out my cookies for the bake sale again."

Anybody want a nibble?

  True Confession Time.  I am off to a strawberry social at 5:00 p.m.  THEN I'm coming home to have dinner.  This decision was made in accordance with the well-known philosophical principle . . .

Life is uncertain.  Eat dessert first. 

Happy Canada Day, all!    This tuque and scarf icon is offered for those who believe it's cold in Canada all year round.  Heehee.

BTW, for those who care about body type, the fourth pic, the sketch of the woman drying herself, comes closest to my body type.

The careful reader will note that I am looking for stability.  My life is stable; I don't need someone to stabilize me or sort out a mess of problems for me.  I am looking for someone whose own life is also on an even keel and who relates in such a way that stability rather than chaos is fostered.  Yes, putting out fires is impressive.  Even more impressive, however is living in such a way that the fires don't start in the first place.  Of course we all have problems -- who can get into their 50's without them? -- but I'm looking for someone whose overall pattern these days is that he has learned from past mistakes and is living ... steady.

Does that make me sound boring?  I'm really not! 

Willing to Relocate, obviously, actually means, "open to relocating sometime in the future when we have developed a viable well-established relationship."  Hey, I am a babygirl, but I'm not crazy.   In the meantime, I assume that we would visit and get to know one another.

Dear Universe, I am asking my Daddy-Dom to find me.  I am doing my part and looking.  The Daddy-Dom I am seeking . . .

Is Actually A Daddy: He knows what being a Daddy means, and he knows what a babygirl is.  He is not freaked by my babygirl self, but is willing to learn about that side of me and accept me as I am.  He does not expect me to "grow up".  He does not believe being a babygirl is a sign of weakness, psychological problems or unresolved issues with my biological father.  He does not pathologize my need for protection, care and guidance.  He is not just willing to "do the Daddy thing", but actually wants to be a Daddy.  He understands that DD/bg is not roleplay, but a very potent TPE.

Is Dominant:  He is willing and able to control me for our mutual pleasure and to help me in the parts of my life I have difficulty with.  His dominance rises from his natural authority, competence and experience.  He knows that once I have submitted to him, I will do anything I can to please him.
 

Is Literate: He reads regularly (fiction or non-fiction) and can write well enough to be understood.  He likes to talk about books.
 

Is Spiritual: He is able to talk about the spiritual meanings of life, BDSM and relationships.  It doesn't matter what religion or denomination he is (if anything), but he understands that there is a spiritual facet to most things, and he is able to talk on that level.  He is capable of developing and using meaningful spiritual rituals with me.
 

Communicates Well: He hears what is said to him.  He can acknowledge what he has heard and can usually say something pertinent in response.  He speaks clearly about his own life, hopes, fears and plans.  When he talks about himself, it is not just a monologue, but he wants a response. He can clearly communicate who and what he is looking for.
 

Lives A Stable Life: His home is clean, safe and pleasant.  Whether he has a lot or a little money, he manages it competently, so that it's not a constant problem.  His relationships - friendships, workplace, etc. - are stable and not constantly in conflict or in flux.
 

Is Responsible and Reliable: He keeps his word.  He does not make promises or commitments lightly, but when he does, he fulfills them.  He sets protocols and rules, expects me to keep them and does not change or drop them without negotiation.  If he has minor children, he pays child support, and he keeps all vanilla-type commitments that he makes.
 

Is Honest: He never lies, prevaricates or avoids.  He understands that dishonesty and deception harm the liar, the one lied to and the relationship between them.

Manages His Physical Health: He sees a doctor when there is a problem, before it becomes a crisis.  He follows his doctor's advice re meds and his lifestyle.  He eats reasonably healthily and gets enough rest and exercise.  He can provide written proof that he is free of all STDs.

Is Sober: He only drinks occasionally (or not at all).  He does not use illegal drugs, and he only takes Rx and over-the-counter meds as directed.  If he smokes, he does so outside in fresh air, not indoors or in his car.

Manages His Emotional Health: He manages his own feelings appropriately. He has good strategies to manage his anger and does not fly into rages for any reason.  He can talk about his sadness, joy, fear, anger and excitement.  He knows how to be assertive without being aggressive.  He does not play head games.

Is Self-Aware: He understands his own motivations and is committed to his own personal growth. He can reflect on his mistakes without blaming others. He talks about past breakups in terms of what he learned about himself rather than how much the other person wronged him.

Can Provide BDSM References: He can provide references and is willing to talk to my BDSM friends directly about me.   

Is Social:  He is not an isolate and is not alienated from his own kids, parents and siblings.  He is connected to a community of friends.

Volunteers: He gives back to his community in some form, but does not let volunteering take over his life.  He can say "yes" to a need, but he can also say "no".

Is Liberal: He is politically, socially and religiously liberal.  He is not a sexist and does not use D/s to justify believing that all women need guidance and domination by men.

Is Straight: He is not bi-sexual and does not expect or want me to be.  He does not switch and does not want or expect me to.

Is Free To Commit To Me:  He is not married, nor is he with someone else.  He does not just want online, but wants to work toward a substantial face to face relationship.  He is not just interested in the chase, but in the day to day living of a 24/7 TPE.

Believes Me: He believes the limitations that my bad neck put on me, in the dungeon, in the bedroom and in everyday life.  He is not paralyzed with fear of hurting me, and will trust me to tell him what I need, can do and cannot do.  He understands that what I can do is on a continuum, and that some days are better than others.  He believes me when I say I am not into domestic service.  He is willing to problem-solve with me how we will run our household together -- cooking, cleaning, etc.  

Enjoys The Chemistry Between Us:  There is a feeling of excitement, of wanting, between us.  He wants to have sex with me, and to have it often.  He wants to spank me every day.  He is fun to be with, and finds me fun.  He expresses affection for me, and he likes it when I express my affection for him.

Is Experienced in BDSM: He uses toys and equipment safely and effectively.  He understands safewords, hard limits, limitations, subspace, subdrop, confidentiality and safe calls.  He knows how to negotiate a scene.  He knows the difference between erotic "funishment" and real discipline, and he keeps them separate.  He wants to teach me new things.

Can Be In The Vanilla World Appropriately: He relates to me in a vanilla fashion when we are out in public, or with vanilla family and friends.  He has at least one interest that has nothing to do with BDSM.  He supports my friendships with my vanilla friends.  He protects my privacy and accepts the fact that I am not out with most of my friends and family.

Where are you, Daddy?

 ~ AJ 

  Just for fun, some info about me . . .

Favourite Main Course: spaghetti and meatballs or steak with a baked potato.

Favourite Dessert: chocolate cheese cake with raspberry sauce.

How Cluttered Is Your Home? I would rate it as on the low side of "medium cluttered".  I try to deal with mail and so forth as soon as it comes into the house, and I'm doing better at it than I used to.

Occupation: psychotherapist.

Employment Status: retired.

Favourite Book: The Darwath trilogy by Barbara Hambly -- Time of the Dark, The Armies of Daylight and The Walls of Air.  Either that or The Dark Jewels series by Anne Bishop.

All-time Favourite Movie: The Lord of the Rings.  I am such a fantasy geek!

Last Movie You Saw: Red Riding Hood (disappointing).  Before that I saw The King's Speech (fabulous!).

What Would Your Friends Say Is Your Best Personal Quality? Some would likely say my ability to really listen to what they are saying.  Others would likely say my creativity.

What Would Your Friends Say Is Your Worst Personal Habit? Likely they would say that it is interrupting when I think I know what the person is going to say next.  I know it is an annoying habit.  Yes, I am working on it.

What Were You Doing 10 Years Ago Today?  Seeing counselling clients.

What Will You Be Doing 10 Years From Now?  Having a late-morning snuggle with my Daddy-Dom.

What Did You Do Yesterday?  I went to the public library and got signed up to take out books on my new e-reader.  Now, of course, I need my young techie neighbour to help me set up my computer for same.  Also, I played some computer games, watched a season 5 episode of The West Wing, had coffee with a long-time friend, chatted with my offspring and 2 visitors, helped the offspring with the job search resume, flirted with a couple of men from CM and read 5 chapters of Anna Karenina.

What Did You NOT Accomplish Yesterday That You Intended To?  Do the bi-weekly online grocery order, and get started on a free-lance article which is due today.

If you want to connect with me, how about filling in your answers to the above -- or anything else that tells me something about who you are and how you spend your time when not in the dungeon or the bedroom.

So, I took an eNature "Mating Game" quiz.  It's vanilla, but it was fun.  I came out as a Phoebus Parnassian, which is a beautiful white butterfly that mates for life, or at least practises serial monogamy.  You can read about it here:

http://www.enature.com/feature/romance/quiz_results.asp?mateID=13

I'm wearing enough if I all have on is Daddy's collaring ring and my own skin, and I feel naked and vulnerable if every inch of my skin is covered with clothing but Daddy's collar is gone.

Quotable Quote:

"I've studied deeply in the philosophies and the religions of the world, but cheerfulness just kept breaking through. However, I will tell you one thing that I think will not easily be contradicted ... there ain't no cure for love."

~ Leonard Cohen, on the Live in London album.