i don't even know anymore ...

anybody that says that a good Master doesn't cry or have feelings and can be hurt can suck My left testicle.

panda was special to Me, in more ways than one.  i really wish i could have gotten over the whole "daddy" thing ... she's like a daughter to Me.

luu?  shit.  My heart aches for her.  was with her for a solid year before she left Me.  granted, mostly online, but we had a couple encounters in real life.  she fit Me.  i loved her with all My heart.  after panda and i split, i talked to luu for a while, and she gave Me the light that i was looking for.  the possibility that we could be together.  i fell back head over heels in love with her again.

.... and again .... she's broken My heart.  "too little too late .... "

i'm not perfect.  i don't claim to be.  she needed the touch that i couldn't immediately give her.  within two months, i'll be out of the house i'm in with My soon to be ex wife.  she couldn't wait.  i don't blame her.  i teased her with My heart and arms, unable to give her what she needed.

i want to get Myself drunk, and drink until i pass out.  with My medication, i can't.  i want to curl up into somebody's arms, but i can't.  i have nobody.  my soon-to-be-ex hasn't done anything like that in years, even before i started doing anything outside online.  i don't have family.  i don't have friends.  i'm looking at in two months coming home to an empty apartment, crying myself to sleep.  i want to scratch again.  i've still got the scars on My fingers, and they call to Me, saying that they'll help with the pain in My chest.

i work My ass off, and work night shift during the week.  the possibility that i'll actually find somebody to hold Me?  nil.  the possibility that i'll be able to find someone to love Me?  nil.  i just don't know anymore ...

</emo.moment>

Panda tossed her keys on the kitchen counter around seven in the morning, rubbing her face. Last night at the restaurant was hell. She smelled of fresh seafood and garlic, olive oil, and a various number of spices. Jack's Five Star was a nice place, but busy as fuck, and she ran the entire back of the kitchen. As sous chef, she worked very closely with Jack, and was his second in command amongst all the other white shirts. Spices would fly across the kitchen, people bumping into each other, utter chaos if not for Panda. Jack's wouldn't be so popular if it wasn't for her and the way she sorted through the chaos to make everything run smoothly.

But now she was home. Home. The place where she could release everything. The place where she could simply be who she was, without the stress of getting soaked in fish or knocked over as one of the waiters went scampering by. If there was ever a place she was more happy than in the kitchen of a restaurant, this was it. It was hers. It was her Master's.

She loosened the collar of her white buttoned shirt, and stretched her neck as she closed her eyes. She felt so naked. Even though Master had given her the necklace with lock and key, it hung loosely around her neck and the lock lay lightly against the skin of her chest. She knew it was there. The weight of it against her soft white skin reminded her that He was always with her, however the lack of a proper collar made her feel lonely. The necklace didn't remind her of His strong hand. It didn't remind her of His powerful voice. It didn't remind her that she served Him, only that He was always with her.

Her eyes opened and she turned her head to the rack next to the front door. It was a simple small rack with a couple hooks, hanging from them were her leash, her double banded collar, her first choke chain, and the red temporary collar He put around her neck for the first time. It stayed there simply for sentimental value, as she would always wear the permanent double banded one. With a smile, she lightly slid her fingertip along the cold stainless steel buckle of the temporary collar, remembering the day He first collared her. That was a very good day.

He was picking her up from the airport for the last time. She would visit as often as she could while she was in school, learning everything she could from various chefs. The collar He'd put on her on those occasions was the very simple choke chain. It was just something to show that she belonged to Him, and He kept it with Him in His car at all times. With each trip, as soon as they reached His car, the chain would go around her neck, and the end would be locked in place until He drove her back to the airport. Panda wasn't one to draw attention to herself, but had no problem showing off any one of His collars. Wrapping a dog's choke chain around her neck in the middle of the airport would have definitely drawn a crowd.

She had her backpack slung over her shoulder, and was pulling her suitcase behind her. The majority of her clothes and things had already been shipped to His apartment, and she knew that He had taken care of her things, putting them where He knew they belonged. All that she needed from the week before, some simple clothes and toiletries, were packed into the small blue suitcase. As she walked towards the gate where she knew He would be, she grinned, her step quickening so she could get to Him faster. She placed her hand on her neck, almost giggling, anticipating the choke chain He'd give her in the car, and how she'd never have to take it off again.

She stepped onto the main floor of the airport as her eyes frantically darted back and forth, looking for Him. Leaning against the wall behind everybody, He stood. He had His smile, His hands folded behind His back, just as He always did. Something was different, though. There was a little crook in His smile. As she quickly walked towards Him, His smile widened. Panda knew that face. Master was up to something. At this point, she didn't care. It was Him. That was all that she had on her mind. Her walk quickened into a run as her backpack fell from her shoulder and she let go of her suitcase, tossing them both to her side.

His arms opened to her as she leaped into His chest. Tightly wrapping her arms around His waist, she felt His arms around her back, as His head lowered against the top of hers. Finally she felt Him against her body. As she rubbed her cheek against His chest, His hands rubbed her back as He always did. He had something in His hand. Keeping her grip on His body with her arms, she stretched her chin around, trying to see what it was. His open arm kept her against Him as the box was pulled from behind her. It was a small long box, wrapped in wrapping paper. She could tell that He had done it Himself, as the ends were covered in tape.

Panda blinked as she looked at the box. “What's this?” she asked. His strong arm pulled her around and leaned her against the wall, handing her the box with a smile and a chuckle.

“Why don't you open it and find out,” He said as He turned around to pick up her suitcase and backpack that she had tossed in order to get to Him. His smile was as strong as His voice, and His voice was deep and powerful. It rumbled His chest when He spoke, and simply hearing it made Panda melt. She bit her lip and tried the best she could to get through all the tape He used. This was a surprise. She wasn't accustomed to receiving gifts unless they were for special occasions.

Master was standing before her when she finally got through the Great Wall of Tape. She looked up to Him and His soft smile. He nodded, telling her it was okay to open the box further. Stuffing the wrapping paper beneath her arm to give her a free hand, she held the box in front of her, and lightly lifted the lid.

Master was very much into having reasons for everything that He did. The inside of the box was lined with white feathers. She knew that the white feathers to Him were like the dove of peace. Atop the feathers, was her first actual collar. A thick, red patent leather collar, a stainless steel buckle, with tags and a sterling silver bell on the center ring. Her face was of shock and awe. She looked up to Him, curious, not sure of what He was thinking.

He gave her a chuckle, and looked down at the collar. “Read it,” He said. Her fingers lightly picked up the collar by the tag's edges, tilting it slightly in the light. These were His words. She had never heard them from His lips before. They were beautiful. “Out loud, panda bear. Read it out loud.” She looked back up to Him, blushing, waves of happiness overwhelming her.

Panda cleared her throat. Lifting her chin, letting the light shine off His words, she started to read. “For all who see and all that breathe, I belong to Thee. To serve and love, and hold no one above, I belong to Thee. I am yours forever, do with me as You please. For all who see and all that breathe, I belong to Thee.” Her words softened as she looked back up to Him.

His eyes were fixed on the collar, as His hands slowly grasped the red patent leather, her hands remaining still as He took it from her. He tilted His head to the side, carefully watching His fingers lace it around her neck, buckling it in place, and turning the tags and bell around to her front. Only then did He look up into her eyes. His eyes were deep and strong, dark brown like the solid ground of the forest. Sturdy. Master lifted His chin, curling His fingers beneath the collar around her neck, giving her a gentle tug. Though she didn't like a drawing crowd, He wanted it to be known. “To all who see.”

Panda's eyes closed, smiling from ear to ear, holding still as her hands drew and folded behind her back. She leaned her neck against His fingers, knowing that she was completely giving herself to Him. He gave her another gentle tug and lifted His chest. Instinctively, her body leaned into His. Her face firmly nuzzled His chest against His heart, her hands staying behind her no matter how badly she wanted to wrap them around His firm body. She knew He felt her need, as His arms wrapped around her back, lightly lacing His fingers into hers. Gently He kissed her forehead. “Time to go home, panda bear.”

Home. She was home. Snapping out of her memories, Panda picked up her double banded collar, quickly putting it around her neck. Her eyes closed as she buckled it in place with a deep inhale. “That's better,” she said. She finally felt the strength of her Master again. She took a moment, slipping the collar around a couple times, getting the feel of the leather against her skin, finally letting the buckle rest behind her, His tags hanging down the front of her neck. She could be wearing nothing but the collar, and would not feel as naked as she did before.

Her hands lifted her necklace over her head, and hung it on the rack. Turning around, she placed her hands on her hips, looking at the kitchen. “Okay, now then … Master's tea.” Back in her domain of the kitchen, her hands grasped the tea kettle and set it on the stove to boil. Her hand took the tea from the counter, her other quickly taking Master's tea cup. She knew how much He liked His tea. Every day when He got home, that was a requirement – His tea as He walked in the door, and His panda nuzzled against His chest. Depending on the night He had at the hospital, He'd either want to cuddle or eat. Panda knew not to start anything cooking in the kitchen until He got home.

As the tea heated, she started to get herself ready for Him. Her fingers unbuttoned her shirt, and her hands slipped behind her, unfastening her bra to let her breasts expose themselves. Walking to the bathroom she tossed her shirt and bra into the laundry, saying to herself “I'll take care of you in a minute.” She leaned into the bathroom to turn on her shower, then quickly walked back to the kitchen to check on His tea, unfastening her belt. The water wasn't quite ready, so her hands opened His tea bag and dropped it into His cup.

Again walking past the laundry, her legs leaped out of her pants, pulling down her panties and stockings, and tossed them on top of her other clothes. Her shower was now ready, and she grabbed the curtain behind her as she stepped in. As her hands caressed her body with her body wash, the hot steamy water trailed over her skin. Her hair was soaked and hung over her breasts and collar, the tags and bell jingling as she moved. Breathing in the hot steam, she slowed her movements, letting the hot shower take over for a moment. Panda realized that this was how she felt with Him. His firm collar was around her neck, and His hands were all over her body, hot, dripping little tickles as His heart ran over her. She would have let her fingers play with His body if she wasn't listening for His tea kettle.

After washing her hair and drying off in the bathroom, she took the towel, and tossed it with the rest of her clothes before stepping back to the mirror in the bathroom. Master wasn't a “neat freak”, but He did like His home to be tidy. She pulled her hair into pig tails, just as He liked, standing there for a moment, admiring her sterling silver tag with His words. She lifted her chin with a smile. He liked her to be proud of being His.

The tea kettle snapped her to attention. “Shit.” Her feet carried her quickly to the kitchen, taking the water from the stove and pouring His tea just in time to hear His keys in the door. She was grateful that her hair was already the way He wanted as she turned around, waiting for Him with His tea. As the door opened, she smiled, knowing that she was a good girl, His good panda bear, and exactly what He wanted.

“Good morning, panda bear,” He said, barely stepping His foot in the door. His hand reached out to her, handing her His keys.

“Good morning, my Master. How was your night?” Panda took His keys, without motion of her body and still holding His tea, gently resting them on the counter.

Master took His tea, taking a gentle sip with a smile. “Definitely not as lovely as what I see before Me.” He took another sip, pausing, and glanced into His tea cup. “Sugar?”

Shit. She bit her lip, trying to think quickly as to why she had forgotten His sugar. She knew exactly how He liked it, and still forgot to put in His sugar. Feeling brave and playful, she leaned up and gently kissed His lips. “There you go,” she said with a joking smile, taking the cup from Him. “Apologies, Master. I'll fix it right away. I simply got carried away with happy memories.” Her firm breasts swayed as she spun around, taking His tea back to the kitchen.

Panda opened the sugar jar, put in two spoons, and started to stir. His hands slowly swept along her hips, pulling His body against her back that sent her nerves on fire, shivering in delight. Her eyes closed as His lips gently touched her cheek, His long hair falling atop her breasts. Pressing His chest against her back, His low voice rumbled against her skin. “What was the happy memory that made My panda bear forget My sugar?”

She leaned her head back, her tags and bell jingling together. Slowly she leaned her cheek against His, whispering, “For all who see and all that breathe, I belong to Thee.”

"she made Him cry"

Their eyes had long been closed as she rested her head on His chest, her smile and cheek rubbing against His bare skin. His breathing made her head rise and fall with it, the tags on her collar softly clinking together amidst the quiet trickle of the flowing creek in the backyard. Even in His slumber, His hand gripped the handle of her leash, as it's length lightly lay next to her head. She belonged to Him, and was proud to be His.

Clothing scattered across the floor amongst the rope and chains finally lay quiet. Their previous cries of “no more, please” still echoed in the quiet corners of their bedroom. The soft rope remembered the stretching and pulling, the sheer tightness against Panda's skin as the un-giving and unforgiving chains bound her body to the door to the bedroom.

Panda was normally a good girl. A little mischievous at times, but knew that He would put her back into her place if need be. She didn't expect this particular punishment to be so stressful. Her words not only hurt Him, but they brought back His bad memories of women before. Though unintentional, He didn't want any part of it. She had to learn, then and there, just how much she had hurt Him through her careless choice of words.

The bathroom next to them echoed the sting that His hand placed on her naked rear. As her cries echoed against the pale white tiles, a tear lightly rolled down His cheek. With the stinging of His hand, he remembered just how much her words had hurt Him. The overwhelming thrust of His arm brought to His attention the wave and kick to His heart that she caused. He never wanted her to make Him feel that way again.

As her hands gripped the cold steel chains that bound her to the door, she thought to herself, “He could be using the whip. Thank god He's not using the whip,” as His hand swiftly dropped on her backside with a snap. Her eyes clenched shut as ordered, she still could feel the tears that fell from His eyes, and knew that she was the reason they were falling. Her thick collar had been tightened to show her how much she had taken away His breath, and she almost choked with each swipe of His hand.

He never raised His voice. He never did. Never. Not even when he did use the whip. As Panda pulled on her chains to lessen the sting of His hand, she remembered the first time He used the whip on her, her sides and thighs stinging and burning, the time she took off her collar and walked out of the house in rage. She knew that walking back inside meant that sting. Being with Him was more important to her. Being by His side was worth whatever mark He laid on her.

When He paused, her eyes still shut, she felt His hand lay gently on her back, leaning over her as a tear fell onto her bare skin. She heard Him weep. His cry hurt her more than His hand ever could. He could have let her go. He could have locked her out. He could have pushed her onto the street to fend for herself, but didn't. Panda knew that He didn't like to punish. Not like this. To train or educate, maybe, but never with the intention to hurt.

Panda's eyes opened from her slumber, looking up His chest to His sleeping face, a face of relaxation and satisfaction. Her cheek brushed itself along the length of the leash, smiling more, knowing that no matter what He would not let her go. No matter how badly she hurt Him, there was always going to be that leash, that connection to Him, His guidance and love. She grabbed the leash with her teeth, giving it a playful tug, and His hand tightened further, pulling back, showing her that He still needed her by His side.

Once the sting of His hand had subsided, He dropped to His knees, leaning His wet face against her thighs. She finally let her tears fall down her face. Biting her lip, she tried the best she could to stop, His words making it all the more difficult. “Please,” He said. “Please don't make Me do this again.” His arms wrapped around her thighs, hugging her tightly, pulling her body tightly in her restraints.

She smiled against His bare chest, keeping the leash between her teeth. His hand in the loop of the leash was the only tense part of His body. Leaning her head to the side, she looked up at the curves of His chest, and at the cartoon tattoo of His panda on His shoulder, by His side where she belongs. Panda closed her eyes, softly kissing His bare belly, nuzzling against the dry, sweaty skin.

“No Sir, never again.” Her words were broken between her breathing and her sobs. “I'll be a good girl. Just as you like. I never want to hurt my Master again.” She pulled her arms tighter, pulling the chain to her collar, tightening it further as He stood. He leaned His chest against her back, His arms wrapping themselves around her breasts, His hands sliding up between them to loosen her collar for her to breathe.

Panda dropped to her knees beneath Him as her chains were unlocked. “Please forgive me, Sir,” she begged. Sitting on her knees, her head hung low as the chain on her neck dangled before her. Her eyes closed tightly as her tears streamed down her face like the creek in the backyard, soaking the dark hair that fell on on either side of her face. “I'll be your good girl. I promise. I'm sorry.”

She felt His hand swiftly fall on the top of her head, pushing her to the ground. “Down,” He said. As she lay with her chest against the floor, her eyes opened to a glimpse of His clenched fist. He was angry. Rarely did He get angry. Panda knew her Master well, and remembered many of the things He tried to teach her. She knew Him well enough to know that when He used one word commands that He was trying to work through something. He was trying to heal. He had taught her the stages of grief: denial, pain, anger, depression, recovery, working through, and acceptance. Through being with Him for so long, she learned all of these emotions that He displayed, and what His end result would be.

“Stay,” He commanded. She nodded and hugged her body to the floor, keeping still. The closer and more quickly she followed His orders meant the sooner He'd be willing to have her in His arms. Oh, how she longed to be in those strong arms, wrapped around her sore body. She wanted His firm hands to ease her pain, let her know that He still loved her, and with each moment she lay naked against the hardwood floor more thoughts of Him ran through her head.

Panda was His good girl. As her lips left His body, her eyes opened to His, looking down at her sleepily. His hand wrapped in the leash had opened, and she quickly pressed her face into His palm. Her hands slipped around His waist as she pulled her body further between His legs. Gently kissing His hand, she whispered, “Thank you, Master.”

“For what,” He asked softly. She turned her face to look up to Him as He liked and saw His smile. That was important to Him, knowing that even after a punishment she knew that He wanted her to be proud of herself. A simple look in the eye. She was everything that He wanted, and everything that He had trained her to be. If for nothing else, He wanted her to be proud of that.

“For keeping me where I belong.” Her eyes closed as her head relaxed in His hand. “For showing me that I was wrong, for making me see where my place is. Everything. Thank you, Sir.” She lightly curved her body, softly rubbing it against His. Even the simple feeling of their bodies together sent shivers up her spine.  “Thank you, Master.”

With her body against the floor, her tears started to soak the hard wood. “Look at Me,” He commanded. “Look at Me!” She lifted only her eyes, keeping her head turned low to the ground. His eyes were red and swollen from His tears. Swiftly he slid His forearm across His face, breathing heavy. His stern stare into her eyes, in addition to the redness of His, burned through Panda's heart, making it sink below the cold floor she lay on.

His hand suddenly pointed at her face. “Never. Never! Never, do that again.” Slowly, he knelt down next to her head, resting His hand on the floor. “Do you understand Me?” Panda nodded quickly. His voice was still strong and firm. “I've chosen you. I have no others. I don't want another slave. You know I never will. Never … never imply that I will. Am I understood?”

Her hands next to her head clenched as she nodded quickly. Jesus did this hurt. The whip wasn't this bad. At least when He whipped her, His rough hand would ease that pain, even if it required the oh so gentle touch. “Yes, Sir. Never. I am Yours, to do with as You wish.”

Her eyes wept again, speaking the words themselves. In the pit of her stomach, knots tightened and stretched, much like the ropes that pulled her body almost apart just minutes before. Her arms had been pulled to the sides of her and behind her back, His strong hand lifting her body, His other slapping firmly down on her naked rear. Then came the chains. Those were not as forgiving as the now seemingly soft ropes. As He lifted her hands over her head they rattled, more so when He threaded the chain through her collar. Pulling it tightly, the weight of her body stretched her as His feet knocked hers out from under her, as He began to lay His hand firmly against her rear. Even that pain didn't compare to what was now almost ripping her heart to pieces. She made Him cry and hurt. Badly. How in God's name could her Master still want her?

“I think you know what I wish to do with you, don't you.” His voice was softening. To anybody else, those words would have meant a beating or more punishment, but with His soft voice , and as much as she knew Him, it was different.

She kept her head low, doing her best to keep her eyes fixed on His. A stuttered quick inhale held back more tears. “You wish to keep me. You wish to keep me where I belong, Sir.” Panda bit her lip. He was so close to her. His kneeling naked body was inches from hers, her hands capable of reaching up to Him, pulling herself into His arms. She knew better. He had to be ready to accept her back into His arms. “Nothing else matters to me, Master. I will stay where I belong.”

He paused, blinking as He looked at her. The moment seemed an eternity to her, praying that she was right. By His side was where she belonged. Keeping Him happy was all that mattered to her. She knew that He loved her, and always wanted her to please Him. As the quick few seconds slowly passed by, she started to tremble. She prayed that she was right.

Finally He sighed, and reached to the bed and picked up her leash, a gentle green, soft as His touch could be. His face relaxed further as His strong fingers latched the clasp to her collar, finally threading the chain out from it. “C'mon, Panda Bear. Time for bed.” He stood before her, opening His arms, and she quickly lunged her body to His chest. Her arms tightly hugged His strong torso as He wrapped His around her back lightly. In His arms, her entire chest breathed a sigh of relief as He walked her to the bed.

At the edge, she stopped as always, folding her hands behind her back and lifting her chin to Him, waiting for Him to draw back the covers. She looked at Him next to her, her eyes large and wanting with His eyes looking back at her with a subtle smile. That smile alone meant forgiveness. He leaned down, lifting the sheets to the side, and laid His body on the bed, resting on His back. Still she waited.

Panda knew He wouldn't say much more. Master wasn't much for verbal commands. He would rather that she read Him, His actions, and know exactly what He wanted. He held her leash loosely, and trailed His eyes up from His hand to her collar. Finally, He locked His eyes with hers. Master was alright. Master had forgiven. Master still loved His little panda bear.

She stayed still, knowing He wanted to simply look at her, to admire the prize that was His. She blushed with a smile, her naked body before Him, standing and waiting for His desire. He smiled more, giving out a soft sigh. That meant acceptance for who she was, and what she meant to Him. Panda turned her face down slightly, smiling wider, doing her best to keep her soft blue eyes towards Him. Finally, with her leash in His right hand, He lifted His left to His lips, gently pressing a finger to His lips, then lowering it to His chest with a gentle pat. She loved that command. She loved it more than anything.

Every time He did this she felt sparks run through her body. Slowly she slipped onto the bed, resting on all fours, her hands by His shoulders. Her eyes closed as she gently kissed Him, prolonging it as much as she could. Keeping her lips against His, she lowered her body to His side, and rested her arm across His chest. The last part of His command was almost as satisfying as His kiss. Her head slipped slowly from His lips and down His chest to where He patted. This is where He wanted her head. Turning her cheek to nuzzle against His bare skin, she remembered why He wanted her here. He wanted her to be as close to His heart as she could.

They settled together, her head finally holding still, listening to the loudest heartbeat there ever was. She knew that it beat for her. It always would. Panda closed her eyes as His open hand pulled the covers over them. Once the blankets laid still, the only sound was from the running creek in the backyard. No more cries. No more tears. No more pain. Just Him. His heartbeat. “Thank you, Master,” she said with a smile. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight. Goodnight My sweet panda bear.”