Acid Tests for True Dominants

Printed on Mary Ménage Whispers’ blog
with the written permission of Dr. Spankenstein

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemy. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won’t make demands on there sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to theopposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you!

Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimatesituations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

Test #5: “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

Test #7: Don’t bother with online collars. Don’t make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste much time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using clearacil?

Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12: “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

Test #13: “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

Test #15: “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us” If I have to explain this one too you, you’ve got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, butonly with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can’t build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here: You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “Dom” that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and BDSM? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

BDSM – an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar – a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak – slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber – slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex – interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s – abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom – abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant – (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme – abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG – acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit – something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master – A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress – A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m – abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism. 

Safe Word – a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net – a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to setting up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist – a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist – a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave – a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include, boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub – abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage, and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene – slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie – common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla – slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim – a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe – derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

About AdonisBlack
Hello, I am the proud owner of a lovely slave, I care for both deeply I have no problem teaching training molding and caring for the one that serves me. Life is good now I am just enjoying life smelling the black roses and bruising flesh. I am looking to find new friends and the locations of all the social events.

I ask that you learn these ten simple rules
Be Patient
A potential top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Do not expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.

Be Humble
You may be God's or Goddess' gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have many opportunities to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Do not set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.

Be Open
You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. SM is a very personal art, and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable SM friends.

Communicate
Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. However -unless it is an emergency - wait until your top asks. Do not expect you’re dominant to be a mind reader instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.

Be Honest
Do not be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.

Be Vulnerable
Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. Nevertheless, do not always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you have written in your head. It is far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you have never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies.

Be Realistic
Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Do not call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment...Your top's equipment is expensive - respect it and do not abuse it.

Be Really Submissive
This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Do not coach, second-guess, or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts, be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you do not. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.

Be Healthy
SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself by staying healthy.

when choosing a partner choose wisely
I recently was ask about how to handle a situation when a Sub needs more care than normal either because of sickness or events in her life.....
Does that mean she can no longer be a submissive if she is unable to provide service for a while?
Myself I think my servant would be my servant no matter what. If im sick I would think my servant would be there to nurse me to health and I would most definitely do the same for her. I could not call myself a Maters and have it another way. We live in real life people stumble people get sick with that said you must go threw the good times as well as bad. Taking care of your mate has more to do with than just kinky sex than you may realize

so when choosing a partner choose wisely

These ten rules are not my own words although I have amended one or two; I have adopted them and chose to live by them.
I have had those for some years I do wish I could find the original author and give him proper credit and tell him thank you for such wisdom.

Young Doms Please learn this one thing if you do not learn anything else. Not all slaves serve sexually. Some are into serving for the love of the lifestyle not the love of sex!
Communication and patience will show you the difference.
Understanding and expectance will help you learn from others.
Knowledge and respect will help you to be able to push bend and break limits.

WARNING: Any institutions using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects - YOU DO NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION to use any of MY profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a serious violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice to this.

The word 'protocol' has always sparked some controversial discussion on its meaning and correct execution.

~

__PROTOCOL__
*The customs and regulations dealing with formality, precedence and etiquette.

*A code of correct conduct.

*A set of rules that help you navigate the proper ways of doing things in the lifestyle

*Highly ritualized set of rules for interaction between Master and slave

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__ETIQUETTE__
*Conventional requirements as to social behavior

*Proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.

*The body of manners prescribed by custom, usage, or authority.

*Etiquette = good manners

>_Social etiquette is based on gender, age, and social status, and it evolves as society changes. Protocol, on the other hand, is very specific, OFTEN inflexible, and based on
rank and status without consideration for gender._

>_Social etiquette tells us to greet people. How they are greeted is a matter of protocol._

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__ROUTINE__
*Unthinking actions that meet basal requirements.

*Routines do not offer inspiration or purpose beyond our most simple needs.

*Routines, albeit necessary, are droll. Plain and simple.

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__RITUAL__
*A set of steps you follow every time in the prescribed, thoughtful manner.

*A task that that has conscious thought or meaning is to invoke a greater good.

.

__TRADITION__
*Something that is done the same way repeatedly based on historic significance

>_So..yes, many protocols can be traditional._

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__COMMUNITY__
*A group of people who share reasonably common values and experiences that binds them together for survival and growth.

D/s or M/s or O/p is based on human nature that is older than the human race. It can be clearly observed in other species. Humans have always gathered together to form societies that have hierarchies. D/s is part of being human. However, by the 1960s a set of abstract theories were adopted by many in the upper middle class that ran counter to human nature. An effort was made to impose these on others. Since this only worked in the abstract, by the early 1980s some wanted to get back to human nature and the term "D/s" was coined.

D/s is about the energy exchange between two individuals. It is the mental connection, not what the bodies do. It is not SM or BDSM any more than it is conservative or liberal. D/s is 24/7. By definition, it is what we are rather than a role we play in a scene.

In D/s there are rules and limits. If you have a problem with rape, you believe in rules and limits. If you are against child molesting, you have rules and limits. Those who say there are no rules may be uninformed and mean no harm. Once they get out from behind their computer they will learn they do have rules and limits. But often those saying such things are predators trying to line up their next victim.

Certain behaviors invigorate the energy exchange while others deplete it. Those with little personal integrity, or those who are insecure, arrogant or self centered, cannot maintain a strong energy exchange. Therefore we have guidelines to follow and we avoid voluntary close interactions with those who do not live by them.

A D/s Lifestyle Code of Honor:

We treat others as we would like others to treat us.

We are Honest.

We keep our word.

We are Responsible.

We help those in need.

We teach only those who really want to learn and we respect our teachers.

We try to avoid arguments with those who have closed minds for that is a waste of energy.

All sexual relationships are based on mutual consent.

We respect relationships.

We realize some may fall short of these at times.

We do not bring into our inner circle those who do not strive to live up to the above.

A Glossary of Terms:

Dominant: Dominants can be either male or female. They have learned to control them self while living honorably and responsibly to the extent that they can be trusted to guide and protect the well being of another who has chosen to submit to them. A True Dominant places the long term well being of his sub before his short term desires. Those who are controlled by their emotions or sexuality are not strong Dominants. For this reason men usually do not fully emerge as Dominants until they reach middle age. One is not Dominant if they are acting out of anger, vengeance or ego. Insecurity, not strength, drive such behavior.

dumbiant: Those who go around trying to be one up on Dominants and expect all submissive to submit to them rather than treat all with respect are not True Dominants. The are insecure dumbiants.

Energy exchange_ A consensual blending of two auras based on respect and affection in a way that build energy that usually is enhanced by building and sustaining a polarity based on defference to a highly esteemed other and a mutual concern for eachother's well being.

submissive or sub: D/s is based on an energy exchange that creates a polarity. While one may lead, both parties are essential to the dynamic and need to be strong. Weak people make poor subs. By surrendering some things to a Dominant they can trust, a submissive becomes free to explore other aspects of their self. They know they are safe and secure. They decide who they surrender to and they have limits, things they will not do. Those may change gradually over time. Submissives can be either male or female.

Deceptive Authority 

Journal Entry  Friday 22 July, 2011

This one's gonna hurt a few people but the purpose and intention is to open some eyes and perhaps allow some so-called Master's to think about what they are doing and allow slaves to tell the difference between a true Master and a self-proclaimed Master.
I cannot take credit for the title of this article. I borrowed it from a conversation I had with a slave. I was discussing the condition of Masters on the Internet and the slave is the one who coined the phrase deceptive auhtority. It was the slave's way of describing the type of authority that many of the so-called Masters who advertise on the Internet. In the slave's view he had met many Masters that appeared to play the part of a Master. These men pick up cues from the Internet and use them to lure unsuspecting slaves into being collared by them. These men are not prepared, nor do they know how, to use authroity and instead end up abusing the authority that comes with the title of Master.
Many slaves are already willing to follow any man who calls himself a Master. However, many inexperienced slaves become prey to these self-proclaimed Masters. In many instances these slaves end up being abused (and not in a good way). There seems to be an increasing trend to this phenomenon. Not that there have not been those who prey on the unsuspecting or the inexperienced; that will always happen. However, it seems that more and more slaves report that they are led astray by men calling themselves Masters who use and abuse a slave's life to their own end and then throw the slave away when they are done with them.
My use of the word "deceptive" is specifically intended. The word deceptive means one who has the power to mislead. Many so-called Masters and slaves become adept as using catch phrases that are commonly used on the Internet. Men calling themselves Masters on various sites use common words and phrases along with alluring images to attract a slave. I would like to make something clear. It is not My intention to point the finger solely at the Masters. I have had My share of being lured in by people posing as slaves who are merely desperate to find a successful Man in hopes of finding some security in life. What these people really need is some sort of sugar Daddy not a Master. However, since the word deceptive refers to the one who has the power to be misleading...that would identify the Master since He is the one with the power to mislead. However, using deception ultimately gives anyone using it the power to mislead. It just so happens that in the context of the Master/slave relationship it is usually the Master who weilds the most of the power.
As I have mentioned in other parts of this web site; use of the word Master connotes* the idea of a person who possesses a mastery of something such as art or of some technique or a person that has developed a consumate skill in something. IF a man is going to use the term Master in reference to himself within the context of the BDSM or Master/slave lifestyle...then what exactly is he a Master of? A slave? Some bondage technique? Anyone using the term master generally is not one by self proclomation. So how is the man that refers to himself as a Master in actuality a true Master?
Who Sets The Standard For What a Master Is or Is Not?
If it were so easy and universally accepted then anyone coould refer to themselves as a Master. Throughout human history it has only been those very few individuals who are referred to as a Master. It is society or a persons peers that confer that title on the individual...not the individual themselves. So that raises the question, or should raise a question within the true slave's mind. Who confers the title of Master; what group of a man's peers are in agreement that the man who claims to be a Master actually is a Master? Well, what makes a Master anyway? Who sets the standards for who is qualifies to enjoy that title?
Without the social network that used to exist when Masters and slaves met in bars or other venues there is no actual way for a Master to be in fact accepted and regarded by His peers as a Master. The same holds true for the slave. Social customs change all the time. Sine the advent of the Internet many of the customery social settings that Masters and slaves have disappeared. Not that there are not any real Masters on the Internet, but how does one determine whether a man claiming to be a Master actually IS a Master?
What criteria defines whether a Master is qualified to use that term? Most men who populate Internet sites pandering to the Master/slave lifestyle believe (or are lead to believe) that they have to confer the title of Master upon themselves in order to describe who they are and what there interests are; which is generally just a Dom. If a slave desires to commit himself to a Master how does the slave determine which Men calling themselves Master actually are a Master? While the answer to that question may appear to be difficult it is actually quite simple to describe.
Since there is no specific way to confer the title of Master onto a man who exhibits dominant charactersitics other than self-proclomation there must be some other defining criteria that can be used. Well, let's examine that and begin with the word itself. A Master; that has already defined as a person who "has developed a consumate skill in something", should be easily identifiable by his skill at Mastering or Mastery. What exactly is the skill of Mastery. Well, in this context is that He would be a Master of lives considering that His skill is directed toward Mastering the life of another individual--the slave.
How does a slave determine if a man calling himself a Master is in fact qualified to Master over a slave's life? The answer to that question would be that the Master's own life is evidence. In other words, the Master has Mastered His own life. Certainly a Man would have to at the very least be successful at Mastering His own life before taking on the responsibility of a slave's life. That seems logical enough. So the answer to the question posited in the sub-title "Who Sets The Standard For What a Master Is or Is Not?" is the Master Himself sets the standards and that standard is that His own life is evidence that He has Mastered His own life. But what does that mean, exactly?
Mastering one's own life would mean that a person would have personal mastery or self mastery which means possessing full command or complete control of one's life. It's not only in the possession of certain skills or knowledge but a comprehensive understanding of one's individuality and knowing how to respond to situations based on personal values and principles. Just like any other skills, understanding self takes time. But once you gain the knowledge and expertise, you'll become more experienced and wiser. Once you have control or a grip, you will find it easy to maneuver through life and solve issues. You will also have a considerable amount of self esteem and self confidence and usually make a good leader.

Characteristics of a True Master
A true Master, a Man who exhibits that they have a handle on their own lives before they can claim to know how to handle the life of a slave should:
Self awareness: A Master should, at some level, be able to demonstrate that He has a sense of awareness of His own thoughts and emotions. He needs to understand that having dominance over them will affect His actions, behaviors and attitudes positively.

Self Discipline: Knowing something is insufficient for personal mastery to take place. A Master must take action immediately and impose self discipline to continuously develop the habits of "right thinking" and feeling in connection with His skills at Mastering not only Himself but His slave(s) as well. Disciplining Himself in order to gather the knowledge, learn and practice the skills of mastery over His own life will make Him affective at Mastering the life of a slave. It takes self control to change and leave behind something that is hindering His personal growth and success. When He disciplines Himself to practice the skills and develop good habits consistently, He is moving Himself toward mastery.
Has a clear vision of what He wants to achieve: Having a clear vision allows a Master to continue finding workable plans and move forward. The clarity of what He wishes to achieve overcomes His fears and procrastination. It enables Him to persist. It takes courage to conquer the life challenging moments as He works Himself to mastering His own life. A Master cam clearly decide on His personal standards and values that He lives with. He demonstrates that He takes charge of His own life when He has clarity on what He is willing to do or not to do and how He wants His life to turn out.
He knows that He can choose what He wants to experience: Life gives you choices to either stay in bed or go out and make a place for yourself. He can continue to let others dictate His life or make His own decisions of how and with whom He wants to spend it. He can take a different point of view about how people and life are treating Him. He can decide instead to see Himself as the person who is responsible for the change and to define His own destiny.
Is able to commit to Himself and learn to trust: A Master needs to be able to commit to Himsflf and to take charge of His emotions and thoughts. He demostrates that He is decisive in order to advance and gain power to Master His relationships, finances and health. He is able to take the effort to learn, practice and discipline Himself to follow through regardless of how others think of Him or the past disappointments. It takes commitment to gain personal mastery for development and growth. The true Master trusts that He can do it and accept that it is a process that takes time but will bear the benefits equivalent to what He puts into His life.

Demonstrates Flexibility : As a Man capable of Mastering His own life He understands that slaves are not manufactured in some plant in Detroit. In other words every slave brings dixperiences; talents and abilities. He also has the capacity to understand that a slave brings various different types of social and familial customs with them. A Master is flexible enough to observe His slaves and learn from them what He does not know. In many ways slaves can teach their Masters many things. However, if the Master is shut off from seeing value in His slaves due to an over amplified ego, then His autority will never amount to anything.

Does Not Appear to be Egotistical : On the one hand it is true that many Masters, especially in the Leather and BDSM communities, exhibit strong dominant charictersitics which can be fed by a strong ego. However, a true Master understands that an uncontrolled ego will create many problems for Him. If a Master is egotistical how will He manage His slaves when they show sign of egotism? It is the Master's responsibility to be a model for His slaves. Many slaves say that they enjoy a Master that is egotistical, but I have had enough experience to know that it may be fun for a while but it gets old fast. An egotistical Master can wear a slave out and ruin the slave for a lifetime. Of course the opposite is also true. An overly egotistical slave can burn out a Master and make life miserable not only for himself but His Master as well.

Food for thought.
Intuition: It is important that a Master have a realatively good sense of intuition. Without it a Master is lost is a sea of emotions and misunderstandings. He must demonstrate that He has the ability to listen and a keen sense of observation where His slaves lives are concerned. An intuitive Master will make life for Himself and a slave much easier. Having foresight and the ability to act on His intuition goes a long way in settling disputes or misunderstandings before they begin or come to a head.
Using these simple guidelines a slave will find it a little easier to identify a true Master. Just a word of warning...as far as I know Adam didn't have any brothers. A slave must keep in mind that the points above are a guidleine. No one Master will ever attain perfection in all of these areas. However, a slave might be able to identify "some" of the characteristics of a true Master.

TO ALL attention whores, wanna b's slaves/ subs you know who you are

I tire of  all you attention whores, wanna b's slaves/ subs or whatever else you wanna call yourself,  you seek only to waste time and energy, and I have neither to waste. I  have arrived at the conclusion that I need to have a protocol for online correspondence with willing sub/slaves. With the availability of information regarding this lifestyle, and the vast influx of fakes and wanna b's wasting their time as well as Dom(me)/Masters/Mistress with idle  banter of things they never intend to approach in this lifestyle void of the vanilla world. 

OnLine Verification Ritual for sub/slave submission/consideration

 While adhering to tradition of accepting a  request to be Master of sub/slave request, to  willing submit in real time to said Master,  the  same is not possible with the access that pranksters and fakes that predate Dom(me)/Masters/Mistress/Owner with false intent of submitting in any way. D/s or M/s or O/s should come up with ways to verify that the sub/slave is who they say they are. 

I repeat this is to ALL attention whores, wanna b's slaves/ subs you know who you are.

All others please contact me for further info so we can move on from step one to steep two.

 A Masters Creed

I am a dominant man. I am just that. I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part. Not because I feel I am more intelligent, or wiser. I am not dominant because of the strength or mass of my body. I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women. Yet to you, I am Master.

I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. I have looked into your heart and mind and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body. You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor.

You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished. We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt. Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts.

We are not equal. We are halves of a whole. We compliment each other and make each other complete. My desire to dominate you is instinctive. It is not to degrade you nor is it degrading to you because you are secure in being totally feminine. We each recognize and accept our worth, and our need for someone to trust and fulfill our needs.

You are sure, strong and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust. Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your words with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you.

What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural and the rarest gift a woman could give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to me. Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift. I recognize it is your body and soul, your heart and mind. I dominate you only because you have allowed it. I dominate only because you have allowed me to and when I see your body kneel before me, in my mind and heart you are raised above all other woman, and all the treasures of the earth. What you give freely can not in reality be bought.

13 July 2011

Finding ones true self in the new lifestyle, is a never ending process of soul/self searching your past from child hood up until the point where you have found that there is something different about yourself from others that you know, but also that there are others with those same different things about themselves as well. Reaching out and speaking with others like yourself is a heads up in the right direction, having someone else that has the same kinks and fetishes makes accepting who and what you are in this lifestyle more understandable to yourself. As a child I was reared in a Afro/Caribbean household during the civil rights movement of the 60's . Just being of Afro/Caribbean descent speaks of a stern structured foundation of discipline, while having two uncles who both served in the armed forces, pretty much you can picture how I was destine to be a dominant alpha male, also realizing that my past forefathers were slaves for 400 years, I looked at these factors as being the roots of nurtured trained to be a superior Dominant. While growing up here in New York City, after school programs in Harlem were few and far between for black youth, fortunately there was The City Mission Cadet Corps, a military based youth organization used to deter kids for the streets and drug usage. It was a learning adventure for me I grew up through this organization, and became an officer and a gentleman. Disciplined, structured rituals/protocol was how I thrived, in this new phase in my life. We we wore military dress Khaki and fatigues uniforms, spit shined boots and starched creased pants , almost forgot polished brass belt buckles, first aide and rope tying and filed trips were also part of this program. I rapidly moved through the ranks, while learning the new things about the world out there. I soon graduated high school and took the A.S.V.A.B.( Armed Forces Vocational Assessment Battery). Which I scored pretty high, a few days later the Marines had a recruiter at my door, I told him I had already enlisted in the U.S. Air Force.
Basic training was a breeze I then was sent off to Tech School, I was to become a 81150 or a / Security Specialist / S.W.A.T. Team member, I was given a flight of airmen to under my command with 3 other flight commanders and we were to defend a U.S. Air Base from a terrorist attack to take over base and get a nuclear weapon. Of course it was a mocked up, we held our ground and the base remained intact, I later left for Germany with 2 strips on my shoulder. I served in Germany where my fetish for white women began and has yet to end. While serving in Germany I gained the admiration and respect from the white males in my barracks, they knew I had a way with women, I soon found I was able to manipulate them, not sexually, but my other means. I soon realized what I was doing and had to supress this new found beast I had discovered inside myself.
After several failed relationships I had to sit down and understand that my longest relationship lassoed 7 years, never longer. We evolve and fluctuate in this process of growing and learning our true selves.
Craving to find what this all meant to me, at this point in my search of my true self, in this new lifestyle. I soon found a community where there are others like myself and then asked questions and found the answers I have longed to had answered. I was advised to read the works of Robert Rubel, Jay Wiseman, I soon came to the understanding about Leather in this lifestyle it was a passage the where Rubel states:
" In a general way, the current and diverse "BDSM Community" has developed from two major paths. At risk of oversimplifying these origins for brevity, the "Leather" path is an outgrowth of returning gay GIs from WWII, who often associated with motorcycle gangs in the 1950's and 1960's. They bring hierarchy, protocol and spirituality to their modern day practices. The other BDSM path, a path that I'll refer to as "Not Leather"' evolved - at least in part- out of the swinging movement from the 1960's or even earlier. The Leather path has greater focus on obedience, spirituality, service and protocols, where as the Not-Leather path has it focus on amorous love.
In mentioning these different paths because they carry some implications in relation to how Masters and slaves get together in the current age. Again, while there are no absolutes, there is a general tendency in the Leather community fro a slave to petition a Master to be that Master's slave. In some cases, thee is a general tendency among Leather Masters to see it as their duty/obligation to accept such petitions and to "Master" the person - if the Master deems the person to be Mastered
Again, while there are undoubtedly exceptions in the Not-Leather community, it's been my experience that Doms tend to be looking for submissive for play, and that over time, the D/s relationship sometimes drift over into M/s relationships - often with little or no formality.
I'm not proposing that one approach is better then the other. I'm only pointing out that there are two different starting points: A person petitioning to be a particular Master's slave versus person seeking a submissive or slave"