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Adelphus

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Friends:
LadyCleoWifeslavejackriddlediapers4mexMrPerson
LadyLisaDS

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Do you like Love? Would you like some Love?

Will you be my Queen so I may serve and dote all over you? I would be most pleased to role-play as your servant. <3

Looking for a play partner, mentor, lover, and friend to spend time with. I have a partner who I love dearly, but we are not a sexual couple and I am in need of romance. I am submissive in the bedroom but not in day to day life. If you wish to dominate me outside the bedroom you will have to prove yourself stronger and wiser than what life has already made of me. I assure you it is no easy task, yet one I hope to be accomplished one day. Also note I am gay. I'm not attracted to men, not even super sexy lesbian-converting men. I am seeking older women with a mature, calm mindset. Younger women tend to be too wild in spirit for me.

I am small with big gray eyes and short fluffy blond hair. I have a relatively high tolerance for physical pain but I am rather sensitive, so no humiliation play.

I like stringent bondage, hair-pulling, breath play, knives, erotic wrestling, and being tied to things. I especially like take down and capture, being aggressively pursued, 'forcibly seduced', and being roughly, physically dominated. Not much into toys unless it's insertable or a Hitachi.;-)

But above all it is the fantasy of it that drives me wild. I've written a whole novel of it!


Just a note: I will not submit until I have met you in person and will only play in public until I get to know you very well.

Cheers!

PS. The long original profile is now in my journal under the date 09/26/2010

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10/6/2011 6:43:32 PM

I'm trying to move on and look for love again. I'm inexperienced but tired of being so. If anyone else is in the public scene and is interested in meeting up, that's cool.


9/26/2010 5:35:40 PM

The original profile


This profile is the accumulation of my years in the scene and I've been told it's helped a lot of new people, so I'm keeping it below. However, the real deal is this;

I don't know what I want. No, I _do_ know what I want. I don't know if I could have it, or should. I don't know if it's even safe to think about. Much of me has changed since the [Trip](http://www.a-pilgrimage.org), but even with my tremendous growth my libido remains as ignorant and careless as ever. I admit I'm afraid, and because of this, I am ashamed.

Looking for a play partner, mentor, lover and friend to spend time with. I have a wife who I love dearly, but we are not a sexual couple and I am in need of romance.

I am submissive in the bedroom, not in day to day life. Try to dominate me outside a scene and I assure you it will go over like a lead balloon.

Also note I am __gay__.
 

I am small, with big gray eyes and short fluffy blond hair. I have a relatively high tolerance for physical pain because I am in it constantly due to physical things, but I am also extremely sensitive emotionally so keep that in mind. It is part of my loving nature.

I like stringent bondage, (actually, I need stringent bondage, it is the only way I'll go under) spanking, flogging, hair-pulling, temperature play, clamps, breast play, suspension, erotic wrestling, and maybe some other things.

Overall it is the fantasy of it, the mind control that drives me wild. I will probably require a lot of aftercare because I get lost in fantasy very easily.

 
[I LOVE ROLEPLAY!!!!!](http://www.myspace.com/handmaiden_phi)
 

[I’m a writer by trade after all.;-)](http://www.theseventhstarprojects.com/eccentricity.html) If you are a woman, I would be most pleased to [role-play as your child servant. Will you be my Queen so I may serve and dote all over you?](http://.com/groups/1441)

Also, I am a servant, never a slave. If you understand the difference in the words, then you must then realize that my Domme must love and respect me, and never do anything that could be seen as demeaning, because I won't allow it. Don’t try and take me for a fool, I’m a [Mensan.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mensa_International)
 

FINAL NOTE! I hesitate to put this here, but I must. I have come pretty far but the fact remains I am [autistic](http://www.everwonder.com/david/aliens/alien00.jpg). Yep. There it is. I'm autistic. [Autism manifests itself in many ways](http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum3.html&sid=f73d624e6f1ad9c132919027e928ce60), and one of the quirks of mine is that I have difficulty with open-mouth kissing. I also have the bizarre hard limit of performing oral sex because the idea of it freaks me out. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. Now I'll just sit back and watch the room clear out....


So! You're interested by what you’ve seen and read so far, and would like to contact me. Good! I like meeting new people! But before you do, it's time for some Q&A! Ready?
 

__Q: I'm a super sexy male that has converted hundreds of lesbians. Can I convert you too?__

A: No. I'm not attracted to men, not even super sexy lesbian-converting men. I have more than enough of them stalking me already.

__Q: I'm a female dominant, do I own you now?__

A: No. Just because you happen to be female and dominant does not mean you can email me demanding things. I don't know you! Unless/Until I decide you are the one for me and I chose you, behave with me as you would anyone else you have just met. I doubt any of you introduce yourselves by asking for nude photos. Also if you are messaging me first, you are already interested in me, so tell me something to make me interested in you. If I message you first, I will do the same.

__Q: I'm a female domme but twice your age. Do I have a chance?__


A: Yes! I am seeking OLDER women with a mature, calm mindset. Younger women tend to be too wild in spirit for me.( But not always) Mature age is a huge turn-on for me and so is gray hair!

__Q: I live halfway across the country; can we have an online relationship and have cyber sex?__


A: Unfortunately no. I tried this out and have found it isn't for me. I have decided I will not submit in any form until I have met you in person.

__Q: Okay I'm a mature female domme that lives next door and looks like [Tilda Swinton](http://tildaswinton.net/). Want to come over and play?__


A: Sorry love, hot as you sound, I will only meet you in public to play until I get to know you very well. That means you will have to meet me at a BDSM community function, one held by [LSM](http://www.lesbiansexmafia.org/), [TES](http://www.tes.org/) or [DFP](http://www.dfp.com/). I prefer DFP at the moment as it is nearby and LSM because they have a screening process. BDSM communities tend to be self-policing and so discourages unscrupulous players.

__Q: Can I (and my master/wife/boyfriend/pet snake, ect) have you as my(our) 24/7 house slave?__
 

A: No, I'm not looking for a 24/7. I am happily 'married' (civil unioned) and my [wife](http://.com/users/66442) is the center of my universe. You will probably meet her if we ever go out as per our open marriage agreement. I know this upsets dommes who want that spot for themselves and for those dommes I say look elsewhere.

__Q: Can we still make you our slave? Can we totally humiliate you and make you a thing?__

 
A: NO! I know a lot of people get turned on by that but for me it is life-threatening. Break this hard limit and you could very well kill me. I wish to be a treasured servant. I need affection and I need to be wanted. It is one of the main reasons that I am here to begin with.


__Q: Why won't you agree to be dominated outside the bedroom?__

A: I am less a young girl than an old woman. Until recently, my life has been a struggle to keep breathing, and such things will age a person. I am seven years older than my expected lifespan.

I now live on social security, retired, at 29.

Because I never had a childhood, my sexual identity seems to want to attempt to create one, but it is my sexual identity alone. This young face hides many scars.

If you wish to dominate me outside the bedroom, you will have to prove yourself stronger and wiser than what life has already made of me, and I assure you, that is no easy task. :-p

 

__Q: What's with the 'Genderqueer' status?__

A: I consider myself non-gendered, or androgynous. I do not have a gender identity. I acknowledge my female body type, and I certainly enjoy my own breasts, but I do not feel 'female', and unlike tomboys, I do not feel 'male' either.

__Q: So if you have no gender, how can you be gay, gay meaning 'attracted to same gender'?__

I am primarily attracted to other non-gendered, female body types, but I also enjoy women in general. In this sense I am actually bisexual, wanting both non-gens and females, but to identify as bi would cause confusion amongst the men, so I prefer to simply say 'gay'. It is biologically correct anyway. I also prefer 'gay' to 'lesbian', because lesbian pertains to women, which I am not.

__Q: Will you friend me?__

Though I'll message with most anyone, I'm only adding people I know as friends. Do feel free to join my [reading group](http://.com/groups/1441), though.;-)

__Q: I've met you like, a million times and you still ask me who I am when we meet. What's up with that?__

I have [Prosopagnosia](http://www.prosopagnosia.com/) or 'face-blindness', which means the part of the brain that recognizes faces doesn't work. It seems to tag along with the autism, or so I've read.

If you have a scar or facial hair, I might. I can recognize hair styles, jewelry, tattoos, clothing, speech patterns (though not usually sound of voice) and walking gait, but if you change any of these, or I meet you out of context, odds are I won't know who you are. It's like everyone wears a mask. It's a real pain in the ass, especially at cons, because I have people come up to me all the time like I should know them, and I _should_ know them, but I just stare blank like, 'Have I met you before?'. And I will ask you that, even years later, so be prepared.
 

__Q: Why is your profile so friggn' LONG???__

I started this profile four years ago on [collarme.com](http://www.collarme.com/personals/v/14066/details.htm) and it's grown with experiences and frequently asked questions. On the upside, that means I get far less bad matches. On the downside, I get far less mail period.

 
And now for today's secret word;

[Squeaky](http://.com/users/153759) (my bird's name)

To listen to him squeak, click [__here__](http://www.theseventhstarprojects.com/SQUEAK.mp3)
 
To hear a translation of that, click [__here__](http://www.theseventhstarprojects.com/evilbirdie.mp3)

To hear my birds argue politics, click [__here__](http://www.theseventhstarprojects.com/monty3.mp3)

Pain in the ass birds. I love them.;-)

To prove to me you have read this profile all the way through, mention Squeaky. I won't take you seriously if you don't.


I think it must be pretty obvious by now that I am a serious player who has had to learn most of this the hard way. If you think I'm being unreasonable, then pass me by.
 

What? You're still here?

I already said I'm taken, that doesn't chase you off? Curious are we?

I get a lot of questions so.... here's some more info on me but be warned, I'm Eccentric, even by the free-wheeling standards of you BDSM folk.:-)


First! General knowledge. I am autistic and did not gain self awareness until I was almost 14. My childhood is a fuzzy blur that wiped out much subliminal sociological programming such as the instillation of a species, gender identity (hence the 'genderqueer' status), name, race, nationality, religion and much more besides. I count my age in years after I gained awareness, making me in actuality only 13.

 
This coupled with a high IQ, a [semi-savant gift in the arts](http://www.theseventhstarprojects.com/digitalillustration.html) and some rather rare sensory phenomena [(like Synesthesia. Google it, it's great!)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia) my status as an outsider was all but assured.


While I have many gifts I also have some terrible demons, ones that nearly took my life years ago [(Clinical depression causes brain damage.)](http://www.psycheducation.org/mechanism/7Aneurogenesis.htm). I am now living on borrowed time, a second chance if you will, and now live life with great reverence for the Now and the possibilities it holds.

My ultimate goal? To become Wise.

 

And now for some more Q&A!

(I'd like to thank the girl who gave me this idea, though she doesn't know it yet.;-))

__Q: I am sure you are asked this a lot but every time I see your picture I wonder about your head-dress. Is it a turban of middle eastern custom or have you just washed your hair? Fashion or religious statement or just a personal preference?__

A: That's actually a complicated question to answer. It is all in one to be honest, but it's the religious aspect that gets confusing.

I'm what people refer to as 'eccentric'; lives outside of any set rules of society because they are alien. Aside from not having a gender, species, real name, orientation, ect, I also didn't have a religion. So I created my own, a one-man affair I call [Spacialism (opens a pdf)](http://www.theseventhstarprojects.com/newspacialism.pdf) which I strictly adhere to. I didn't make it up per say, it just....Is.

Because it, like just about everything else in my life seems to come from an unknown source outside myself, I figured (and decided quite harmlessly) that I am divine. Simply put, I am the god of my own religion, or maybe more the mortal portal to something divine.

So the short, nonsensical answer to your question, it is a symbol of divinity and servitude at the same time.


__Q: How do you square living with no rules with morality? Is your conscience your guide?__

A: Pretty much. It comes from that 'other' place and tells me where to go, which is the main reason I won't let someone own me. The 'Space' (my name for whatever it is that I'm connected to) must be obeyed first, because somehow it's usually right. I equate it with a gut feeling, sorta.


__Q: Do you see a difference between not having a gender, species, real name and orientation and between not acknowledging what you are?__


A: Hmmmmmm, this is a tricky one to explain. Transsexuals would understand this to a point; they may 'be' one thing but really Be something else.

Hmmm...how to explain innate knowledge...okay, for example, everyone seems to like drinking wine because they say it tastes good. It may very well taste good in of itself, but to me it tastes like rotten fruit. It's not so much a matter of acknowledging that it tastes good in so much that I internally and unintentionally perceive it otherwise. It just kind of...is.;-) Whether or not wine tastes good is the perceived majority, but in the end that doesn't make it taste any better to me. In the end, isn't the internal perception as important and valid, if not more so?

(Please forgive me, that was the best I could think up at the moment.;-p)
Well, that's it for now, hope you all enjoyed that head trip.

Cheers!


9/16/2010 3:53:13 PM
Looking, looking...

8/21/2010 5:07:19 PM
Another million years pass and I'm back here. My friends say I should shorten my profile to get more hits, but for all my horniness, I'm still not willing to settle for sex without love.

2/14/2010 8:25:22 PM
I saw someone put in their profile that they are not looking for love. It struck me as an odd thing to say and yet so essential to make known.

And so I say, I am very much looking for love. That above all else.

1/6/2010 9:34:30 PM
A lot has changed. I haven't, nor has the world around me, but my perception has. There is no self to find or know, for that is an attempt to bottle the wind.

But like the wind, it most assuredly is there.


5/17/2009 3:58:06 PM
I guess I'm looking again...

9/28/2008 3:00:44 PM

There is a girl in my circle that has a history of being over-dramatic and has caused me some strife in the past. That said, she has her own reasons for being as she is, and she's still human.


She flipped out at last night's party, screaming and grabbing her head and then ran into the bathroom, desperate to wash something out of her hair. At first I hung back. No one else seemed to care, so I thought maybe it was just a little liquid latex (the demo of the night).


But she was so upset, so went to see if I could just take it out for her. Turns out she had just dyed her hair and hadn't rinsed it out very well, and it was giving her an allergic reaction. She needed Benadryl, and she needed it in shot form because she couldn't take pills. Her Dom had the shots in his car, but he took his sweet time getting them. Once he came back, everyone made a big show about preparing them and crap.


Okay, so I know she freaks out a lot, and I know that she stretches the truth at times, but seriously, she was in serious discomfort. It disturbed me to see everyone so lax about it. If they wanted to under-react emotionally, fine, but to take forever getting her medical help on PURPOSE just made me feel sick.


She's burned me pretty bad, but for the first five minutes I was the only one trying to get the dye out of her hair. Then a woman that didn't know her very well jumped in to help, which I'm grateful for, but I wonder, if she knew this woman and her past, would she have stood by and laughed like everyone else?


I have a very comfortable social status in my local community, but I don't forget for one minute that outside the dungeon I'm in the reject bin. What puts me there is behaviour that is hardwired and does not fit the sociological code above ground. These are marks not so easily washed off or hidden, and for some, they are not even aware they are marked at all.


Everyone seems to think that if they ignore those who cry for attention that that person will wise up eventually and stop, but cries of attention come from people who don't know how to get it any other way. That doesn't make it right, but there are a few outcasts in my group that are not the bad people they are treated like. They are just socially inept.
So ignore them if you like. You can be short with them, correct them, even threaten them, I guess. Not many people have the endless patience I do, and I'm sure I fail in other areas that would benefit the lost.


But do not let them suffer if you can stem it, and do not MAKE them suffer for unconscious trespass.


There is no excuse for it.

 


9/1/2008 8:43:17 AM

Saturday night's party at DFP restored my faith in the BDSM community after having been so badly shaken at FW. A crucial detail came to light that lifted a great burden from me, and I was safe in the underground society once more.

If I haven't beaten it into the ground enough yet, I'm autistic. That means that though personality-wise I love people and am very social, I can't get along in the above world because I can't do the social dance. There's all these unwritten rules and double-speak and 'politeness' that I just can't follow, so it's like walking blindfolded in the middle of a freeway. Which sucks, because I AM very social!

The BDSM world is far more open, direct, and more prone to honest communication, which removes my handicap almost completely. I still can't recognize faces and sometimes I take sarcasm seriously, but overall, the underworld is a god-sent. I actually 'fit in' here.

At FW some crazy stuff went down, but what effected me the most was experiencing stuff that mirrored what forced me out of the above world. The idea that it existed in the underground was crushing.

But you know what? None of what I dreaded most had actually happened! With this new knowledge I went to last night's party and fully relaxed. There were lots of new people, lots of old favourites, lots of fun. The community I thought I had lost had never gone anywhere, and I was overjoyed.

I had my social life back.:-) Happy birthday to me!

I loves you guys!


9/1/2008 8:42:11 AM
I am now physically 27 years old, which is seven years longer than I thought I'd live. F*n 27! That's like, 107 to me. For serious.

8/25/2008 8:37:43 AM

Disclaimer: This is a personal entry and contains DRAMA. If you want to read a happy, light-hearted, feel-good entry, I suggest you look elsewhere. If you wish to know how I'm actually feeling however, then read on.


Tonight we're going to talk about a five-letter word that has been the centre of an internal controversy.

I am aggravated. And by saying so, I have created 'drama'.

Recently I thought I learned a very important lesson, but I am now questioning that wisdom.

Do not express emotions that cause discord. Do not make known your anger or pain. Do not ask for help or support. Do not burden others. Smile, even when it is false. Deny thyself for the sake of acceptance.

And you know what? No. No, I'm not doing that. Fuck that. At least in this journal entry.

My mother always told me that, that no one cares about the problems of others, no one likes a sad person. People want to be happy and want to be around people that make them happy.

I keep finding myself checking all my words, making sure nothing I say now could be seen as a downer. That means I still have a LOT of anger and hurt locked up from TFW that I can't talk through with anyone about because then I'll just get more sh*t for causing 'drama'.

"Play nice, don't make waves, or shut up and piss off."

You'll never hear those words from me, though...

....

....

....

So...yeah...I'm still upset about what happened. I needed to write it out.

In other news, I saw hundreds of parakeets at the zoo today.


8/18/2008 9:17:47 PM

I wasn't sure I was going to Floating World until the last minute. My conscious concern was the car, but I think somehow I knew that to go to FW would be to initiate a trial of epic proportions.

I am a fairly housebound agoraphobic, though I am better than I was two years ago. The simple act of driving to Edison was a test. Volunteering was another test, as it meant I would be 'owned' for a period of time, during which I would be in contact with people. I am fascinated with people, but I'm handicapped in the area of social protocol, which fuels my fear of rejection.

All my life I have depended on the acceptance of others to survive. It is the human way. In this respect, I have been in a position of forced submission, for those who cannot Read will always be at the hands of those who can.

I will make no bones of it; Floating World was at times a brutal gauntlet, and for a few moments on Sunday I was completely lost, ground into the floor by terrible chance. But I am Divine, and that fount of endless strength refused to be capped.

I returned and faced the fire.

There are fakirs in India who do superhuman things. The trick is not defy or ignore what is blocking the path, may it be emotional pain of physical, but to walk into it with the belief that you can, because you have. Fear comes from the idea that the pain of an outcome cannot be handled. But it is not to be handled, it is to be allowed to pass through like electricity through a wire or the wind through wheat. It must be experienced, even if it be in small measured pieces.

Sometimes when my emotional issues are too abstract or I start to doubt my own strength, I turn to the scene. The woman I'm with favours pressure points and causes excruciating pain in measured doses. Last night I lay at her disposal. At first I had to call yellow several times, but I did not end the scene. I could see myself fighting the pain, trying to turn away, but I had to believe. I had to lean in and feel it in it's extraordinary resonance until it became my own.

And the pain and I became one. I no longer faced the fire, I became it. Above me the corrugated metal ceiling blurred and faded into pulsing static. As I skirted the edge of consciousness, a challenge was presented to me by the ethereal blue nebula I perceived beyond; 'If you truly are Divine, then take it now'

All my life, my greatest fear has been anger, prelude to abandonment. Humans are pack animals, and in the wild, those deemed unfit for the pack are cast aside to fend for themselves.

For the mortal, it is the end of a journey.

For the Divine, it is the beginning.


8/12/2008 9:27:26 PM
So...yeah....free again....

8/11/2008 8:35:42 PM
Yarrrrg.... The people I was going to go to Floating world with may not be going, and they were my ride home for the evening. I guess I could always sleep over in the 24/7 dungeon and call it a sleeping scene, but if there's no area for watersports, I don't know what I'll do for my shower scene.:-p

8/10/2008 3:31:01 PM

There is a door in the back of my mind that I have yearned to open, that which many call the heart, or here, the surrender. I have been there a few times, more on my own than with others. So hard, on my own, because I cannot touch the One who led me there.


I have split personalities you see, and in me is my Queen, my Sidja, as well as the goddesses, my divine form, and Master. They have led me through the door so many times, but all I can do is hold myself...


I have found a few to open it, but every time it would eventually slam shut. But the door was still there, waiting.


Several months ago, I found someone to open it again, and I fell through. I fell deep, far. So many new colours there.


And then it happened.


Now there is a hideous gash across the door, marring it shut. It is not that it does not want to open. It is not locked, but the doorknob does not work. The splinters of wood jam the hinges and it can no longer move free in its frame.


I try to work it free but the gash is hot like lava and acid. I cannot get close, so I must leave it to cool. Surely it will heal with time and care, but in the meantime, I cannot seek the door.


A month goes by in silence and the gash sinks into a smoking scar. I try to reason with it. It tells me to come back later and nothing more. I still see the light beyond the door emanating around the frame. Some slips out and my Queen returns, the first I have seen of Her since the happening. She is longing, and tries to bring me beyond the door. We slip past it as ghosts, but when the night is over I am left embracing my pillow.


I went out last night, believing the door could be opened now. But as the time drew closer to my scene, the hallucinations began. She was there, so very there. My Queen Isadj, I could see Her, in the chair beside me.


'Why are You here?'
  I asked Her ' Are You here to remind me that I cannot have You?'


And She laughed. 'No, I am here to remind you that you can.'


Sometimes I have gotten my fix by scening with a friend and closing my eyes, letting their touch become Hers. She intended to do the same now, but that is something used when there is no love involved. Oh Sidja, I know You shall always be with me, but I want to get beyond the door with someone on this side of the Wall.


So I went with my human lady to the door and pushed. And nothing. I blamed it on the music, the talking, a low tolerance to pain. We went to another space in the dungeon and pushed. I took all the physical pain she dealt me and channeled it at the door until I couldn't feel it anymore, but that terrible scar remained solid.


So I cried. I moved to melt the whole room, unhinge everything, the door, the scar, make it liquid, but matter what I did, I could not, could not make it past.


There is so little time to work the metal in that molten state, and all too quickly it was past. The door is still jammed, my Queen cannot move it, and I cannot fix it alone. Even if I found someone, it would take too much effort, too much time.


I can only hope then, that things will heal on their own, but judging by similar scars on other passages in my life, it may take years.
 


8/6/2008 4:59:43 PM
At last, after almost six years, my book is done and the proposals are on their way to Phaidon and Taschen.  
Now is the time of Waiting.
....
...which is really weird, as I am so used to working on the damn thing.;-p

7/6/2008 8:37:05 PM
I have returned from pilgrimage, changed.
I'm not sure what did it, but this skin I have been growing since mid June has begun to harden. For the first time in my life, there is a slight wall between myself and the world.
It feels hard and numb, and makes me feel a peculiar distance from everyone, even myself.
There is a scar between my normal side and my autistic one. A conflict has taken place and the clear glass between it has begun to scuff.
The autistic brain, my most recent name of it, is rather a mysterious mass. It makes me oddly naive for my age, but it is also the source of my divinity. Before recently, everything passed straight through, making me vulnerable to emotional injury. Now as I harden, I can't feel it as well. My heart, my soul, it's foggier now.
My dreams are trying to warn me, but I can't seem to stop it, and I'm not sure I'm supposed to.
A thick skin is desired, is it not? To not be so sensitive is ideal, yes? Then why do I feel so ambiguous and so old?
I worry the magick in me is fading away.


6/29/2008 9:06:23 PM
When you trespass, should you wish forgiveness, you shall have it. And should you be unable to change, but wish to, I will still forgive you, even if I must hold you at arm's length. Should you leave and return many years later, I will consider you fairly.
I was born with a defect, the inability to harden my heart.
It is times like these I wish it wasn't so.
Tuesday I go on my annual Pilgramige to the land at the edge of time. May the wind blow my suffering away...


6/26/2008 8:09:58 PM
Time to pause a moment and thank Wife for being my Wife! Sweet majickal wife you are, little Beanie, oh how I love you so. How you attempt to spank me with a wrapping paper tube when I'm desperate for play, even though you think BDSM is crazy, and how while you'll never go to a party with me, you will go to the safety lectures.
And so this Saturday I will leave for my weekly party, calling "I'm off to cheat on you, I'll be back at 1am-ish," as I always do, and you always laugh and wave back, then ask me how it went when I come home. Because you're my Beanie, forever and ever.:-)

6/25/2008 3:37:25 PM
Or not...
I don't know...
Beautiful, intellegent, very hands on, and of course taken by somebody else. Over the past few months, we have been trying to figure where the other stands, and while I had hoped for a poly situation, it appears there is only room for me as a play-partner.
The question for me now is, can I handle that? Can I play with her without wanting more? And the answer is, I really don't know.
I'm angry at myself for hoping and I'm annoyed that I may have to give her up because I can't be satisfied with what I've been offered. I don't want to give her up. I don't want to be untouched again. But I can't fool myself either....


6/10/2008 10:50:41 AM
Taken.;-)
Sorta.
Pretty much.;-)

5/1/2008 7:47:46 PM
AHH!! Rutgers University wants to publish my book!!!....but they can't afford to.
*rolls on the floor and dies*
And another lead I thought I had has just sorta dried up. But of course I still have people telling me how great my book is and that it SHOULD get published. I swear, if one more person tells me I SHOULD be famous, I'm going to lose it.
Because it's been hammered into my brain that I SHOULD be famous, so then I feel like a loser because I'm NOT.
Like if I just put in a little more effort, or wanted it more, or was more aggressive, more confident, more....BETTER, I could get where I'm apparently supposed to be.
Cranky as hell right now.

4/20/2008 7:00:16 PM
Raucous.
That is how my mind can be described right now. A thousand little threads, crisscrossing and leading into mist.
I'm not sure what most of it means, but I have at least deduced that there is a certain style of 'mindfuck' that I'll have to steer away from from now on. Apparently there is a practice of ordering a sub to do something of which they are certain to fail, using our need to please to create fear.
Which is just as fine as any other form of play for others, but not for me. It's for the same reason I refuse humiliation, objectification, and the like. I can't separate fiction from truth.
All day I've been dogged by a feeling of unease by a scene I had last night using this tactic, and thought I know it was all a game, my subconscious doesn't know how to discount anything it witnesses.
What I really wish is that I could talk to the woman I was with, but though I gave her my email, I forgot to get hers.
It's always a risk to go swimming so late at night...

4/10/2008 9:32:15 PM
It's SSC against RACK! Who is right? Who is wrong? Do I care? No.
So I go over to peruse the porn and I saw something questionable. I put it out there to the community boards, 'hey, this worry anyone?'
Then all of a sudden I'm transformed into a safety nazi pussy wannabe hater. WTF? Some people saw the question for what it was and answered it, while the rest got huffy and passive-aggressive.

"Trust me, people do and enjoy a lot worse than you'll see on any profile- they just don't do it openly cuz of people like you."

Yeah, people like me. What the hell does that mean? Did it ever occur that I was on that site because I LIKE that stuff?
But no.
How dare I question the supreme authority of the porno industry? How dare I have questions or concerns of any kind? I should keep my questions to myself and follow in blind faith of the one true religion. Don't want to harshen anyone's buzz, man....


4/8/2008 1:24:02 PM
So desperate for sex...
Wish I could apply for whippedass.com, but they're in California....
I wonder how much Pandora's Box charges per hour...?


4/7/2008 7:55:50 PM

Gay Man = Sleep with men.
Bi Men = Gay men who have yet to come out of the closet.
Lesbians = Sleep with women that look like men.
Bi Women = Are curious about other feminine women, but usually end up with men.

At least this has been my sad experience. Let this be a warning to other gay women. If you're with a bi female, be prepared for her to pass you over for a straight man.
Sigh.......

4/1/2008 2:50:08 PM
Okay, does EVERYONE know Tilda Swinton personally besides me??? You guys know who you are.
On another but similar note, the trouble with having the sex drive of 10 gay men is that I have the sex drive of 10 gay men, but no Domm. Damn collarme and their ads for whippedass.com and all the rest. I know I shouldn't click on them, but then I do, and then I'm left with the sex drive of 20 gay men. At an orgy. In Roman times. I'm telling you, when I get my random $300 from Bush, I'm going to stimulate the economy by getting me some sex toys.
And that's my ladylike entry for today.
And no, sorry guys, I'm still gay. ;-)

3/29/2008 7:32:22 PM
I have dared, and now that I have hurled myself from that cliff in a burst of Carpe Diem, I wonder what fate awaits me now.
Where dream and reality collide, that is where I am now, at once proud and distraught over what I have done. Such a silly thing it is, so ridiculous and yet so hopeful.
I have sent Tilda her dress, and a letter. In 10 days it will reach the UK.
I told her I loved her, and asked to be a part of her life.
Can I really be this stupid? Damn this heart of mine...


3/25/2008 2:58:13 PM
I'm going to attempt to put into words what happened to me last Saturday night.
At my last party two weeks ago, the club owner's wifeslave asked to top me this time around.
I said yes of course, she's a good friend of mine, and isn't afraid to hurt me. But I was also skeptical as to how it would turn out. Something was always missing when I played with her, with most people, and I had a hunch.
This time around I asked if she could be more 'hands on'. I know her Master has rules about what she is allowed to do, and skin to skin touching is not one of them, but a compromise was made to use leather gloves.
It changed everything.
Last Saturday night she beat the hell out of me. It's not easy to make me gasp, and it certainly isn't easy to make me scream. Usually if it gets to that level I would safe-word out, because I have the worst time sinking into subspace. But the amazing thing is that when she put her hand on mine, my tolerance doubled. Once she removed her hand, my tolernace went back.
It was as if my brain was only interested in that, and simply ignored anything else going on, no matter how savage. What's more, it made a connection for me, a reminder that she was there. In toy-only play, all I can feel is the toy, and the person behind it disappears. It seems to make my body panic.
She didn't just hold my hand down either. This was a grip, clenched around my shoulder, the back of my neck, my hair, digging into whatever she had just hit last. It fueled something, made me connect without leaving that D/s state.
She beat the hell out of me, but she interacted with me in a way I've been so desperate for for so long, and even though she accomplished what so few could do and made me break, made me cry, I was so utterly grateful for it.
Grateful, not only for that scene, or that she took the time, or that she did it well, but for making it so clear to me what it is that I need to get where I want to go.
Thanks. love. :-)

3/14/2008 9:38:09 PM
My poor baby is dead.
Because of medical problems, I can only remember the past 13 years.... and for those 13 years, I had Fred.
Fred was an eccentric blue parakeet.
He slept on the floor, courted chair legs, and talked to the chandelier. He'd do anything for his plastic green bird friend, even though he beat the hell out of it. He loved destroying card houses but he hated the sun.
And he was spoiled silly. Above my brother and I, even my dad, my mom gave him the most attention. She'd talk to him through the answering machine when on vacation. He got everything.
He was our mascot, his image on the back of every homemade card we made as kids.
And that little bird didn't want to die. He cheated death three times, but eventually his sickness took him, struggling to live to the end in my mother's hand at the vet's office.
Even the vet cried.
Our baby is gone.
I can't even grasp it.

Goodbye, Freddie

2/26/2008 8:00:20 AM
Tilda Swinton won an Oscar! Now all of you will know who she is! Yeay!!!!

2/12/2008 8:47:55 PM

I've just stumbled upon something. something I should have known, but somehow never did. After so many, many years, I've found the heart of it.

I have been sick all my life. All my life.
I should be dead now.
I am 7 years past when I should have died.

But I seem fine, right?
I was able to work a whole year before I went on Social Security.
Meet me in real life, you won't see anything.
Why do I get Social Security when so many others that should have it, don't have it?
Of course, none of you would ever dream to taking money from the Man. Everyone has problems. No one likes to work. Stress screws with everyone.
Fuck me, I'm so lazy.

I've always been a mystery to myself, to the doctors, the teachers, my parents. No one could pin what was wrong. And there were things wrong, so many things, but they could only group them in little piles with names like ADHD and OCD and schizophrenia. These made more piles, anxiety, depression, ultimately leading to my life trapped within my apartment. There were all kinds of things, all manner of things wrong, and I thought it was this ever-moving constellation that held me down.

But no. Under all the paperwork and DSM titles was the one true horror that fueled them all.

Fear. Purest Fear. A phobia formed at birth, the only thing to survive the mental deletion of my childhood and most likely the cause of it.

I fear anger.

It is a fear so deep, so rooted at the centre of me that as I stare at it now, aghast. No one will understand this. Phobias are quaint little things, like fear of spiders or fear of flying. Just some jitters, an over reaction by weak-hearted people. They should just face it.

I read that there are all kinds of quick fixes for phobias. I know I'm expected to try them now. Could it really be that easy? Could it really???

I have been sick all my life. My mother tried her best, but we were poor. My mother had problems. She took them out on me. And now it is so many years later and I know all this. I love my mother, and I've forgiven her, but the damage. I was so fragile and she was so...
And I learned that what anger was, what it meant. It meant no food, no sleep, no escape, and this terrible, burning pain. It meant death.

Anger is a natural thing. People get angry over the stupidest things. My mother did. But anger doesn't always mean death. What a ridiculous thing to think, that anger equals death. Could you imagine trying to live your life if your brain equated anger, even mild anger with death?

What a life indeed.


1/29/2008 3:03:47 PM
And as if that wasn't enough, I figured out the putting-music-on-your-profile thing! Come, listen to the music that forms an audible version on me.;-)

1/28/2008 4:08:47 PM
Oh my god! You guys! You guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys! Seriously, you guys! SHE WROTE BACK! TILDA SWINTON WROTE BACK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
*rolls around on the floor and dies*

12/9/2007 1:47:00 PM
And now for a special news bulletin:
At last, Tilda Swinton knows who I am.


11/28/2007 8:04:03 PM

Sigh...

I've been following 'America's next top model' for the past several weeks because one of the girls has the same form of autism that I have. She got really far because she was good at modelling. She understood the craft of what modelling was better than the other girls and was always voted Covergirl of the week.

And yet...

Damn it, it doesn't matter how good we are, it never does. We can be gods in our fields, but as soon as we have to sell ourselves, to dance any kind of social dance, then we're exposed for the defects we are.

Tonight's episode had the models going to client interviews on their own. Even though she was obviously the best one on film, she couldn't talk the talk. So she was sent home. And yeah, that's part of modelling, the social aspect, right? But everything has a social aspect. We get so far, only to hit the same damn wall every time. The other Aspies in our group are trying not to be so pessimistic about this, but some of us just can't help but feel bitter, especially those of us who were granted extraordinary talents with our autism, only to have them discounted because of our autism.

So why do I care? I'm on disability after all, and I manage to hold a very part-time job. I don't have to compete with the rest of the norms. But... I want to.

And I want a Domme. I'm so damn awkward, too sensitive, too desperate.

I'm just, I just feel so defeated right now.

I'm sorry, Heather Kuzmich, if you ever read this somehow. I'm glad you're the new face of our alien race (instead of the guy from 'Rainman'), I was just hoping... well, that maybe you could succeed where I failed years ago....

11/24/2007 8:13:49 AM

It's several days after Thanksgiving, a rough time for me because my wife is away in MN. Still, despite the fact I have to deal with my anxiety symptoms, I feel at peace.

I know she will come home and I will squeeze her so much. In the meantime I have my two kids, Squeaky the cockatiel and my new baby, Teeny Pete the parakeet. They cling to me and remind me that I am something important to them, even if it's just because they want attention too.

A year ago I walked back into the fire and got my parents back.

I got my brother back too.

My grandmother is still crazy, running around with her new boyfriend, but she's there somewhere. I have my collection of adopted grandmothers from around the apartment building, though thankfully for them they all have families to go to for the holidays.

My bosses are insane, but they both know and don’t care that I’m handicapped. They genuinely care about me and don’t press me when my body refuses to work.

I have my writing friends who call me now to remind me I'm not alone and recently I braved the flames to get my old domme back as a friend as well.

And then there are my scene buddies, those I know in real life and those I know through here who push me along as I stumble through this sometimes unforgiving world of attraction.

I am very lucky to have you all.

11/19/2007 8:19:28 AM
And now a break from my usual complaining over not having a woman throw me down on a bed and have her way with me... sigh... wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, so I came across this site called Boobcritic. It's like Hot-or-not, but for boobs. Now I of course love all boobs, so rating is hard. I think I give them all a 7 unless I see a pair that I seriously want to squeeze.
This has got to be the worst post I've done so far.;-p

11/15/2007 7:59:25 PM
I actually meant to write this a while back, but I was upset at the time. That and the fact I was afraid people would know who I was referring to. Anyway, a month or so back, there was this new submissive girl at the dungeon I frequent. She was youngish, I'd say early 20s, and was hot. Not hot in how I perceive hot, but hot in terms of mass media. You don't see that very often in clubs, to be honest. Most people I see are over 40 and not centrefold material, so she stuck out. She said she had been in the scene for a while, but then she acted so innocent. Not acted, but really hammed up innocence.
How do I explain this?
She was acting as if she was in some first-timers porno, gasping and writhing over everything but real fake-like. It was embarrassing to watch and listen to, but apparently was alone in my appraisal. She had three dommes on her by the end of the night, at the same time!
So then I felt bad, that maybe I was being jealous because she was mainstream hot and that weird, over the top performance was getting her what I so desperately wanted. What if she's not faking it? What if she's really a nice person who just appears incredibly goofy to me?
But besides that, what if what she is, is what dommes want? I can't writhe and gasp over every little thing. I can't fake it. If I gasp, it's because you beat the air out of me. I can't be like her, but she's the one the dommes flocked to.
Sigh....

11/11/2007 9:09:19 PM
A Queen, a Queen....a snow Queen for me.... 

10/24/2007 12:23:21 PM
Clingy little bird. I put him down next to me and he runs back up my arm. Too bad he then tries to bite my face off. I guess it's a love/hate relationship for him. I love him anyway.
I'm finally moving past my recently lost Domm. I think I finally burned out on the pain it caused, effectively cauterising the wound. Now I just feel a bit numb and confused. The dreams are letting up slightly and I'm getting more sleep. I'm still a little sad I won't be going anywhere for Halloween, but them's the breaks.

10/21/2007 9:14:15 PM
It's late, late for me anyway. It's been a while since I've stayed up after my wife has gone to bed. I don't want to sleep.
It seems that no matter what I do or what I achieve, I feel trapped, waiting, but for what? It's beginning to dawn on me why.
 
All my life I've never dreamed while I slept, I lived. I can't remember my childhood, but I can remember the dreams I had, the places I've been, what I've seen. The movie 'The Matrix' touched on the idea that existence is what our neural impulses interpret that to be. With my autism, my senses to outside world are distorted, but internally, my god, the life I live when I sleep....

I'm awake, semi-lucid, and everything is so stunningly clear, and terribly real.


The world outside my apartment hurts me, and despite my efforts I continue to withdraw. My waking world is becoming smaller, dimmer then what I experience when I dream.

And when I dream, I am a god. It's always the same, same face, same hands. I have no specific powers, just the ability to move the world around me. The world is always dying, or lost, or simply forgotten. But familiar.

Every night I go Home, and every night I seem to become whatever it is I really am. Who am I? When I'm awake I feel asleep, and when asleep I feel alive, feel right, even if I am always a forlorn god living in a world of perpetual twilight.

Sometimes I just want to give up and stay there. There's so little that keeps me here, and yet so much I want to hold onto. I'm trapped, waiting to wake up in one world or the other.

Why can't I wake up? Why can't I wake up?

10/21/2007 7:31:45 AM
Dumbledore's gay! Hurray! We are further vindicated by mass-media.;-)

10/17/2007 7:20:39 PM
YEAY! New #14 picture approved! And I made that dress I'm half wearing.;-) I'm wearing a wig, you can see my hair sticking out the bottom, which is currently red.

10/16/2007 8:22:35 PM
Yeay! We're friends again!



10/8/2007 5:53:27 AM
It took an extraodinary effort to open myself to the idea of being with someone new. But then she came along, and she was like me. When I was with her, I felt almost, normal. I was beautiful again, free again. Of course I'd have to readjust to all this, to remember what it was like to be a part of the world, the scene, the desired. I would flounder a bit but it would be okay this time.
She was like me.
She knew what I was, what I needed. And my god I was attracted to her. We played once and I found myself so much more willing to attempt what I couldn't before. I even wanted to kiss her. So fast to fall in love....
My validity was restored and I found the strength to call my old Domme and reconcile with her. And say goodbye....
She was moving to Texas after all....
But it would be all right.
I had found someone new, someone who understood me as I was, who wanted me as I was.

If she hadn't found someone else first...

Friday started and ended with a phone call. At least she was honest. Thank god she was honest. She could have strung me along for months and I'd never had known. Autistic people are dreadfully honest folk.
So now she's gone....
And I'm...still here.....

10/5/2007 12:59:46 PM
I was too late.... too late....

9/23/2007 12:16:32 PM
Ladies, ravish me. All at once. Put your hands on me, push me down, show me where my body begins and ends...

9/9/2007 1:22:43 PM
I met someone! Better yet, I met someone hot! Better YET I met someone with the same issues I have! I don't have to apologize for it now and explain why I can't do this, that, the other thing, because she has it too!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! 

8/30/2007 5:22:58 PM
It's my birthday, hooray for me! Who would have figured I'd live this long??? :-)

8/24/2007 10:18:38 AM
The warmth is back and I am feeling a bit more lively. I'm looking at pictures of Tilda Swinton at the moment. It's been 8 years since 'Orlando' changed my life forever, when she showed me that gender is an illusion. Because she transcended it. She transcends everything.
When I look at Tilda I feel a nail go straight through my heart and pin me to a wall like some butterfly on display. I can't look away from her, and this feeling is unlike any I have ever known. It frightens me and yet I keep looking for her just to feel this sensation; of feeling a pressure on my chest so strong I can't breath and my heart pounding to its limit.
I can only stand to look at pictures, to see her move is too much for me.
She's an outsider too, the god and ghost of eccentrics, walking around the edge of the circle the rest of the world resides within. She is kind, pulls in the lost, and worries for the weary. She is gentle, she seeks to warm and protect, to live past what is given. No one defines her; she doesn't even need to fight. The seas of society seem to part just for her.
Tilda, if I could meet you, be in your presence and exist in that glow, push me down and lift me up, let me cry in your arms...

8/23/2007 7:58:07 PM
I feel utterly useless today. I know it's the damn rain...and the fact that summer is ending and that I've got nothing bloody useful to do.
Usually I'm glad I'm too messed up to work, because then I don't have to, but...
If I wasn't messed up, work and the outside world wouldn't seem as terrifying as it does to me now.

Then I could have some worth, leave this house, be like normal people and not always have to hope no one notices what a leech I am.
It's a pity party all up in here.


8/20/2007 8:32:55 PM
It's cold and raining, reminding me that it has been a year since I returned to the scene. It is bittersweet. I experienced many good things in that year, but some harsh lessons as well. My abandonment demons have been fed well and they are busy pulling me further from the world with their newfound strength. Sometimes I wish I wasn't autistic, just so I could be with people without fear of being wantinly tossed aside. But then again, I'm beginning to suspect that everyone feels this.
For the record, I abandon no one. I may get shy, scared, or uncomfortable and hide in a corner from time to time, but even my dearest enemy will always have the chance to reach me if they need it....


7/22/2007 11:31:59 AM
Sigh...................................
So I finished my novel! Yeay! All 158,000 words of it! Yeay....! All 158,000 words of half erotica, half romance, lesbian, BDSM style literary fiction. By a first time writer. With no connections.....
Crap.
Well now what? I am truely sucking at query letters, because this isn't a plot driven novel, or even a sex driven novel, but a character development one, one that moves along via the growth of the two people involved, not outside circumstance. How the hell do you sell that?
*rolls around on floor*
Ideas anyone....?

6/19/2007 9:38:29 AM
Well, I'm going to drift for a bit. Most of my rebound instinct is gone, so I'm not hell bent on finding "the One" to fill the void the ex left behind.
Besides, after seven months of writing I am FINALLY writing the explosive end of me novel, so that's pretty much all that's on my mind right now. See you all later!


6/14/2007 12:15:12 PM
Today's lesson: Don't judge a book by its cover.
Yeah yeah, common knowledge, but is it? There is a Dom (I don't use the word 'Domme', I don't like most gender specific titles) in our local community that I always thought was a loose cannon due to a story passed around. Turns out there was a lot more to it than I knew and the tough act the woman puts on at play parties is for the enjoyment of her subs and herself. The truth is she's an incredible sweetheart and safety nut (I like safety nuts. They tend to kill less people accidently)
I feel so dumb for not finding out for myself, but at least I have. I've been talking to her quite a bit and she really is a wonderful person. She also plays delightfully rough. I lasted only 10 minutes with her last Saturday and felt pretty down about that until the house slave took her on and lasted half as long under the same conditions.;-)

6/12/2007 9:27:31 AM
So I went down and apologized to everyone I screamed at, we're all cool now.
When I was homeless, I would squat at our current building. The old super said he would look the other way so long as I kept the garden in order. It was the only place that was mine for a long time.
 
The poor guys were in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing. Any other day I would have just shook my head and sighed, then corrected them. I know plants grow back, and some of them might, but the super is going to buy us replacements anyway. I told him he doesn't have to but they insisted, so thats really sweet. The landscapers forgave me as well. 
And life goes on....


6/11/2007 10:52:42 AM
Today I totally lost it. Just totally lost it. After a month of anger rising and falling in me it was all let lose on the landscaper, who shredded about $200 of second and third year prennials. Some may come back, some may not. I wasn't really thinking of that at the time.
Whenever I'm feeling uncertain or stressed, I go out to my garden and meld with it, just to get away from me for a while and be part of the bigger picture. Going back there to see it shredded.... and what was worse was that much of the damage was done in my wife's part of the garden. I got her into gardening and she's oh so proud of what she's done. We finally got to see that fernleaf bleeding heart bloom. I have what's left of it in a vase so she can see it when she gets home...
How the &%@$*% do you not notice giant plants surrounded by mulch and bricks? HOW???
I just started screaming. I never do that. I can't remember the last time I did. Screaming and swearing at them to get the %$@# out of my garden. Now I just feel so bad for acting like such an idiot, but it just burst out before I could catch it.
People want me to do things, be things. They say I have to face my fears, do things I don't like, change. Push push push. I can only adapt so much so fast and by god WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO? I don't $#@*^%^ like oral sex. I don't &%$@# want humilation. So fine, I'm not a trwe (sic) submissive. So I suck. Okay, I get it. &*#$% it. I'm taking a #@&%ing nap.

6/9/2007 11:01:59 AM
Today's topic: absolute fear...for me anyway.
A while back I wrote to a woman to pulled me in for some reason. It bothered me back then but time passed and she didn't respond, so I forgot about it. Until today when she wrote back.
Why am I so attracted to her? It doesn't seem like much a problem unless you've read my profile and KNOW how touchy I am about humiliation. Which is what she specializes in. Usually I shake my head at profiles that say this but why not this one? Was it the way she wrote? Was it the way she reminded me of some dark desire I always held? My precious Sidja, the White Queen that stalks my mind?
But I don't, I don't want this, do I? Do I want this? There is such a fine line between fantasy and reality and I'm weaving all over it now. Such things she said in her letter, I should have been appalled, and I was, and I wasn't, and I was again.

If done without my permission, it would be no different than the vanilla world.
If one forced me in scene, it would be because I ultimately allowed it before hand. That I ultimately said aloud 'I want this.' The words die in my throat, killed by my heart.
And the fantasy 
 half wanted to let her tear me down, and the reality half knew how devastating it would be. There are so many things we want when desire floods our senses, only to stare at ourselves in horror the morning after.  Already I am haunted by my mind's flights of fancy.
It reminds me of years ago, realizing I was attracted to any of this. 'What am I becoming?' I asked myself 'why do I want this? What's wrong with me? I
spent so many years trying to gain control in my life and now I want to throw it away?'
Of course that was not what I was doing. I did what I wanted and not what I didn't...usually. There were some nights my cravings were so desperate that I allowed things I regretted the next day.
 
So fragile... I could easily do myself so much damage under the influence of my insatiable sex drive. I nearly lost my life so many times at the hands of the phantoms in my head. I'm scared.
I don't know where to go from here, how to proceed.
  I want to be pushed beyond my limits into the unknown, but I don't want to stay there forever, to possibly collapse and die from the strain of it. A flame that enchants me to touch it though I know it would so easily immolate me whole.
 
It won't go away, so it must be dealt with....but how...?

6/8/2007 10:19:08 AM
Today's introspection; Depression and medication.
Well it's hot as hell out here in the great country of North Jersey and I'm inside playing solitaire on my laptop as I wait for the pool to open. At this point I've lost 5-6 games in a row and it gets me to thinking about something I once thought over a decade ago when I was really depressed. I was in my room playing solitaire with an old pack of cards and in the two hours I had been playing I hadn't won a single game. And I thought to m'self 'Crike, I can't even beat myself at a game!' Then I started getting suspicious. It wasn't for lack of trying or determination that I wasn't winning, and it couldn't be that I sucked that bad either. Eventually I sorted the deck out and discovered I was missing a few cards.
Now I realize what a great metaphor that was. People think they can will stuff like depression away, but the fact is you can't win the game if you don't have the full deck, no matter how many times you play. Sometimes people (like me) are literally a few cards short of a full deck. (Ha!) So you GET the missing cards (meds), but having a full deck doesn't make you win either, because then you have to actually play the game. And you may still lose a few more times, but the point you can now feasibly win, whereas before it was hopeless.
So people, take your meds. And stay in school.

6/7/2007 8:12:56 PM
Today's introspection;
"I know that there are some male/female relationships where the woman lays on her back and allows the man to 'do as he wishes' and be done with it. She has no involvement with the sex act because it is distasteful to her--probably because of upbringing."
This statement was directed at me and at the time I was very much hurt by it. I still am, given its original context, but as I hate to leave any stone unturned I will now poke at this a little. Am I not entirely comfortable with sex yet that I feel odd performing sex acts? I love touching people, hugging, rubbing, kissing most things, ect, but I would feel really weird performing a sex act on someone, ie fingering or even using a dildo. Such actions are proactive, there's nowhere to hide. I used to think that this was due to my submissive approach to sex overall and that using a dildo on someone else felt too dominating, but now I wonder. The odd part is that I'm writing a D/s novel and when I'm writing through the Queen's point of view, my reservations go away. When I'm Her I'm dominant, but if I slip out of it I'm back to being reserved.  Which is neither here nor there. I suppose what I'm trying to figure out is, how sexually awake am I? Am I using 'forced' submission as a way to cover up the fact that I am still somewhat sexually immature? And just how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a Tootsie roll pop? The world may never know.

6/5/2007 9:54:33 AM
Is it particularly fair that Dom/mes can have as many issues as they like but subs are expected to have none? I think people who say they have no limits either haven't found them yet or are afraid/ashamed/hesitant to make them known for fear of not seeming viable. I'm certainly feeling this way right now.
On a side note, the missus had the hiccups today at work when I called her up. I regaled her with a tale as to how it took me FOREVER to get my cholesterol levels tested with a bunch of other tests because I kept breaking my fasting. She's been watching this play out for months and eventually I was able to stay away from chocolate long enough to be tested. Today I get the results back and to my HORROR they FORGOT TO TAKE THE DAMN TEST! They did all the others but left out the one I had been fasting for. So they ask me sheepishly "Er...are you fasting now? We could do it now..." and I'm like, 'are you for serious? I just had a friggen' piece of cake!' My wife laughed so hard that her hiccups went away. So in the end it worked out for the best.;-)

6/3/2007 5:11:38 PM
There is a part in Peter Pan when the fairy drinks poison so he doesn't or something strange, and Pan tells us that clapping will bring her back to life.
That's how I feel right now. You guys (and you know who you all are) clapped and clapped for me when I was down and out, and thanks to you and my offline loves I feel back together again. I still hurt, but it's not dragging me down anymore.  Cheers to you all! :-)


5/31/2007 8:29:29 PM
On a lighter note today, let's talk about breasts. Ah breasts, how my fascination of thee never wanes. Big, small, saggy, pert, I just want them in my hands so I can press my cheek to them. Sigh... I'm so glad I have my own to play with.

5/29/2007 8:40:08 PM
So just why do I worry over whether people like me or not? Well that's an interesting question, one I've been asking myself a lot lately. I think the root cause is survival. At a young age I think I figured out that I was not welcome in groups on my own. By the time I was in high school I learned to live on pity. It was the only thing offered to the lost. Do you have any idea how much that sucks? As a person I don't fit into society so I had to beg my way around for food and shelter. Literally. Things like that get ingrained for life. Now I still carry that fear that anger = loss of life essentials.
Recently I went to a support group for autistic people and found that this equation looms largely for us. It is painfully apparent to us that we are not welcome and that we have to try twice as hard to ingratiate ourselves so our defects are overlooked.
Everyone gets rejected, but your average Joe has a better chance of avoiding it than we do. At least that’s how it feels to us...

5/29/2007 11:44:26 AM
Harsh... She blocked me. I was so scared of chasing her away that I ended up chasing her away. People are so confusing...

5/24/2007 7:13:49 PM
So! The crux of the reason I feel so sucky about being dumped, aside from the 'being dumped' part, and the fact that I miss her, and some other things, is this;
No woman has ever found me sexy before. Lots of men (for whatever reason, probably desperation) but no women. But then she did, and you guys know how amazing it feels to feel desirable. So then when she dumped me, I felt like my sexuality was stolen too. I was back to being a dud in my mind. This is the problem with being young. I have no experience to lean on when this sort of thing happens. I can't just say "oh this happened before and it turned out like this" because it's never happened before. So heres what I'm hoping; maybe if someone else (woman) finds me hot, I'll start to heal up again. I hope. Eh, I'm healing up either way, but a woman wouldn't hurt, not in a bad way anyway.


5/22/2007 7:32:59 PM
My scene buddies have been watching me pull my hair in grief and one gave me this sage advice; "If you love someone let them go. If they love you they will come back and if not it was never meant to be." I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to fix this, but I can't keep beating myself up over it. Maybe some day she'll come back...or maybe she won't.... but I'm thankful for the support of my scene buddies, my friends, my wife... I'll be okay.;-)

5/21/2007 11:34:31 AM
Lets talk about my wife. Oh how I love my wifey wife, who holds me when things go wrong and loves me no matter what. But alas she is not gay and I am not attacted to her, even though she is cute as a muffin. I hug her anyway.;-)

5/20/2007 3:38:45 PM
ShazBot, still longing for more.;-p

5/18/2007 8:00:50 PM
I think I may have made an enemy of a friend by not writing her in a while... The worst part is not knowing for sure, of wondering if someone else is angry at me for some small infraction. Of almost anything else I can think of, my greatest fear is of anger, especially from those I really do like....

5/17/2007 8:28:01 PM
It's crazy, this overwhelming need. I feel like I could just throw myself in front of any woman just like those single men do at clubs. How could I have sunk so low, where is my self-respect?
So I slap myself and for a moment I am sane, then I check my mail to see if anyone has replied. I swear it's like a sickness and the longer I go without reply the more these thoughts of worthlessness steal in. I almost wonder if it's withdrawal.
Whatever it is, I don't like it. It's skewing my judgment and making it hard to write. I only hope Saturday's party gets my head back on straight.
And now for some superficial things that turn me on;
British accents
half-smiles
long fingers
evil grins
a sharp, dry wit
eloquent speech
Tilda Swinton, who has all of the above. Sigh....

5/16/2007 7:19:26 AM
Hello again! So let me explain something. I'm a bedroom submissive, so if you try to tell me to do something and we aren't in scene then I reserve the right to say no like anyone else. HOWEVER, even out of scene I am a doter. I dote like hell. Tending to people makes me instrically happy, especially people I care for and respect, so don't think because I think for myself out of scene that I wouldn't be attentive to your needs. It's just the way I am...

5/15/2007 8:24:24 PM
*sighs* Someone tell me I'm pretty....

5/14/2007 9:02:26 PM
My heart hurts. It's been weeks now with so much unanswered. I'm moving on, slowly. So many questions still buzzing in my head that I know there are no real answers to. The impulse is to ask, ask as many people as possible, try to dig and dig, but it won't get me anywhere.
Everyone gets their heart broken eventually, nothing new to this world, but it is new to me. I know I can stand here and watch the hurt flow by like watercolours in the sink. I know this too shall pass, I know I'm still loved and have worth.
But the pain....how it burns as it flows over me....


5/12/2007 8:38:09 PM

The Queen picked through various terms and phrases in Her mind, determined to think of something suitable before sleep overtook Her. Everything was either too silly, ignorable or possibly even flammable to be trusted with the task of grabbing Her attention. Except for one thing…

“My name. You will use My first name to signal distress. No one has been permitted to speak it in years so it should catch My attention quite easily. This is a great privilege I’m bestowing upon you so do not abuse it. Do you know what I mean by that?”

Phi drowsily lifted her head from Her shoulder. “Not to use it unless the pain is too much?”

“That is half right. Yes if you use it frivolously I will doubt your strength, but fail to use it when you should have and I will doubt your judgment. You need both to serve Me well, My little one…”

Phi was quiet a moment as she processed this.

“Yes Sidja…though…do You see such a situation arising again? Not in the near future I hope?”

“One can always hope...”
-Exerpt from 'Queensbride'

5/11/2007 9:06:26 PM
Yeay! Married! Well, civil-unioned anyway, to my sweet little wifey wife. And it only took 9 years.;-)
Of course the twist is that Beanie is straight and while I'm gay I'm not attacted to her. We're married with the understanding that if anyone comes along that we are attracted to, we can have a long-term relationship with that person, so I'm still looking for You, my Queen...;-)


5/6/2007 7:42:16 PM
I've returned, Sidja, stalking the darkness for You. You are only in my mind dear Sidja, always real enough but never close enough to touch. If You came to me, would my illness fall away?
But it's only a dream, petals on the wind. I close my eyes and see Your face, but underneath could it be my own? If You are forged of me, then are We already One? Does that mean I am destined to circle the light and dark alone? Sidja, tell me You exist beyond my skin. Turn the key and break my chains, heavy as they are.
Are You lonely?
Have You been abandoned?
Do You ache too, to find me? I cast my line into the dark sea once again, a gold coin for You to see. It is all I can do...


4/30/2007 8:14:25 PM
So I....so...So she's gone now.

*sneaks back in weeks later to re-add original entry:*

So I....so... So she's gone now. I wasn't what she thought I was, even though I told her repeatedly I wasn't. She told me she didn't mind that oral sex turned me off so thoroughly that I made it a hard limit, or that I would never, ever wear a collar. I told her I don't see myself as female but androgynous and that I was a sexual submissive and ONLY a sexual submissive.
But she wanted a woman, she wanted a 24/7, she wanted a collar and she wanted oral sex. But never made that clear. She says she was waiting, hoping I'd change and in the meantime kept telling me how great I was.
And now even though she’s realized the fault is on her end, I still feel this void. I have all these happy memories of her telling me how much she enjoyed our sessions when really she was disappointed and even accused me of using her. Hollow. All this time...I wasn't making her happy.
During the ensuing fight she told me that no one would take a sub that won't perform oral sex and won't wear a collar, and has a degree of aversion to open mouth kissing. I thought I was more than that, I thought I could give more than that. Is that all anyone really wants?
I don't know.
I know she’s apologized and I know I forgave her, but still.... I feel a bit of worth has been cut away from me...

And to add; I can't help if people in my local community can figure out who I'm refering to. I never directed them here to read it. I think I have a right to grieve through here so long as I don't use names, so shame on those of you who shamed me into taking this down.

11/16/2006 2:28:11 PM
Finally! New pictures!
But on a sobering note, I've come out to my parents (as gay and kinky) While they don't seem to care about the gay part....

11/10/2006 3:37:09 PM
Whooooo!!! Black Rose!!!! Whooooo!!!!
Just thought I'd mention that.;-) And I'm going with my Lady!:-) I'm having my commitment ceremony done there too.;-)


9/9/2006 8:21:12 PM
I am officially taking myself off the market so that I may get to know those who have already contacted me. Thank you all for your interest loves and know that I am still here for conversation.;-)

9/8/2006 5:20:22 AM
*laughs hysterically*
So that's why I have no picture! I just got an email from collarme asking to supply a driver's license to prove my new default pic wasn't of someone underaged.
I'm 25!:-)


9/2/2006 12:29:50 PM
Please forgive me if there is a lag in my responses for a bit, I've become rather overwhelmed....

9/1/2006 6:23:10 PM
I'm...so happy......

8/31/2006 9:26:59 PM
Ack!
I know I'm behind in replying to some of you. I have been approached by yet ANOTHER lovely domme! Where were all you intelligent female dommes hiding?
Did the meeting just let out?:-)
I swear, this is the fourth lovely woman to contact me in just this week and the week isn't even over yet! And I've been in the scene for THREE YEARS!
It must be a conspiracy.;-)!

8/31/2006 4:59:31 AM
SHE WANTS ME!!
Oh my goodness she wants me! I was so afraid what with all her adoring sub males and high standing in the community that she wouldn't have time for me, but she emailed me this morning with her phone number! Apparently she has too many men and

"I can see the imbalance, and always wanted to find the feminine to even things out. But, as I am a kinky & unique individual almost every female I have met seems just not my type. I thoroughly enjoyed sessioning you and knowing you were closer to my 'type'--kinky, artistic, unique."

*giggles hysterically then blushes*
And not only that but ANOTHER lovely Domme has shown up here on CM that I am very interested in! Feast or famine, yes?:-)


8/27/2006 6:46:49 AM
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
At last, at LAST, I FOUND HER!
She walked into the party last night....stunning. She played with the man I was talking to....amazing. But I was too shy to approach her. Lucky for me, that dear of a man introduced her to me! We talked philosophy a bit, what a sense of humor!
Well I tried several times to ask for a scene, but again, far too shy. And again, Sean to the rescue!
And that scene...that scene was three years in the making. Just as I had begun to give up, when I thought that maybe what I was looking for didn't exist...last night happened.
Thank you,
I'm going to go off and reminisce about it now. Cheers!

8/17/2006 12:20:34 PM
Hmmm.....I think I'm going to cool it for a while....

8/9/2006 3:35:31 PM
Oh for the love of Pete! Can't people around here understand that asking someone that you DON'T KNOW how often they masturbate might be considered WEIRD? AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

8/6/2006 8:26:16 PM
In search of Queen Jadis;
Oh my Sweet Queen,
Do You exist in this mortal plane?
Will I ever enjoy the cool of Your shadow
Be lost in Your magnificent wake?
Would You let me dote over You
Adore every breath You breath?
Protect You when all hope is gone?
Will I ever find my place by Your side
Always to the right
One pace behind?
Your favourite servant
Your handmaiden
The one You let orbit You
Like a planet around the sun.
Rejoicing in Your very existence
Will I ever find You,
Great Queen Jadis of Narnia...?


8/3/2006 11:42:03 AM
Profile has been changed, you must read it all if you want a response. Go on, it will only take you a couple of moments.;-)

7/31/2006 8:50:25 AM
And now, a BDSM hiaku;

My body bound tight
Responsibility gone
Setting my soul free
-Me


7/25/2006 12:31:47 PM
Suffering a broken heart...
I had a lovely online role-play romance going for months now but now my dominant no longer has time to continue, so she is killing her character off.
It all feels so real....


7/12/2006 1:02:21 PM
And now I'm back! Hurrah! And I'm still gay, so sorry guys, no dice. I'm starting back out with a new group in North Jersey called ShackledPleasuresNJ and yes, I still only play publicly.
On a side note, anyone see Chronicles of Narnia? Wasn't Tilda Swinton as White Witch Jadis just the most incredibly hot woman you have ever seen? If I could find a domme like that...such presence, such possession....sigh.....I'd serve Her any day, all day all night....
*melts* I wish I could post Her picture here....

 

11/17/2005 5:26:03 AM
The yearning to return is getting stronger...

11/7/2005 3:27:53 PM
Well, it was horrible on all accounts, but at least I won. While secrecy was part of the settlement deal, I will say it moved me...TO A BIGGER HOUSE! Wait, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud. uuuuuuugh.....
It's bittersweet though. The guy that hurt me the most still contends he did nothing wrong and acted like he was the sweetest guy in the world being attacked by this crazy person. And it's still not enough to go back to college. And now it's over. I settled for Beanie because it was really beginning to hurt her but I would have dragged them to court if it were me on my own, even if I didn't win.
Ah well...
And to those of you I haven't answered, I'm sorry, its just been difficult on this end...

8/23/2005 7:50:30 AM

For those of you who say I can take legal recourse, don't worry, I'm already on it.


8/18/2005 2:42:07 PM
In answer to your questions about me being fired for being disabled, here's what happened;
My boss decided to give me "special treatment" without telling me, then acused me of taking advantage of it. I asked him to stop giving me special treatment and tell me what the real rules were, but he refused, claiming I wouldn't work as good without it. He continued acusing me of taking advantage until I went to seek out the company rules. When he found out, I was fired.
That's the short version anyway.
The crap of it is, the depression et al doesn't hurt my work, just me. That pisses me off hardcore because I would actually use my work as an escape. The nerve. The friggen nerve.
I have a lot of neral disorders, many related to sensory input/processing. Winter is like a sensory depravation chamber that suffocates me to death (close to literally) every damn year. It's like being in a vice that's been tightened as far as you can stand, and then having the handle turned one more time...
I #$^#^$#%$$$#%^$% HATE WINTER! 

Fun fact.
I entered the BDSM scene to escape Winter 2004. By and large it worked, but it got me into other trouble. Just read my journal.



8/16/2005 7:39:39 PM
I found my couple, they were just busy.
In other news, I am sad. Sad and despondent. I am disabled and looking for a job. I was fired from my last job for being disabled...and I trusted them. Now I don't think I can trust another job again. They'll just hire me and I'll be good for a few months. Then
Winter will come for me and I'll be fired again. I just don't see the point anymore...

8/13/2005 1:28:38 PM
sigh.........I talk to next to no one and the one couple I do want to talk to is ignoring me....
And they messaged me first! It's a good thing I have Beanie because if I actually had to look for a mate I can see how good my luck would be....
I miss Beanie.....

8/10/2005 2:39:23 PM
New pictures! So bored.....

8/8/2005 12:26:28 PM

And now I'm back.
Hello BDSMers. I'm not back in the scene, just this page. I am unemployed once again and with unemployment comes boredom and with boredom comes unbidden sexy thoughts. So I'm just going to let it wander around my head for a while while I look for a job.
As usual, I probably won't answer any mails, but I might, so you never know. I'm not interested in dating because it's just too risky. I break easily where emotions are involved. Not to worry, though. I still have my precious Beanie, the love of my life, so I am not alone.
Anyway, Cheers!


6/1/2005 6:24:58 PM
It's been a year since I left the scene and looking back I have realized something. Casual BDSM is casual sex. If you can't do one without emotional consequences then you surely shouldn't do the other. I don't think I understood that at the time. I really wasn't ready for any sexual atmosphere. Until that day comes....
Cheers!

11/22/2004 10:44:57 AM
I'm still maintaining radio silence, but the feeling has begun to creep back in. I'm not sure what I'm going to do different this time around, but most assuredly it will be a slower climb.

9/17/2004 5:32:43 AM
I'm still here, but the time is not yet right for me to rejoin the scene.

6/16/2004 7:30:32 PM
Dear members of collarme,
Due to scene-related trauma, I am going to step out for a while. If I don't answer any letters, I am sorry...i just need time to heal...

5/11/2004 7:55:02 AM
Sigh...
I'm an artist but I can't get work. So lately I've been thinking of becoming a proffesional dominatrix.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!
me...a dom...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
i am so poor.....

4/30/2004 9:12:05 AM
Well....that stopped the mail, didn't it?

4/24/2004 3:59:23 PM
Oh for heavan's sake!
Please, I am 100% for
REAL and a member of T.E.S., so if you send me a mail and you are a woman and live in the NYC area, I will ask to meet you.
In public.
At a party.
That means that all you mass sending Doms should think twice please because it hurts getting my hopes up and never hearing from you again.


4/20/2004 9:14:21 AM
I messed up.
Heed these warnings, other submissives!
1) Don't go to a Party if you are already turned on. It will severly hamper your judgement.
2) Don't submit to a Dom if you are not sure you can understand her accent over the music.
3) Have a backup plan in case you miss the last bus home.
4) Don't let anyone call you a slave if you aren't one.
5) Negotiate everything.
6) Make sure the Dom knows about aftercare.
7) Don't go alone. I was lucky on that one, as I wasn't alone and they provided the aftercare.

3/6/2004 9:23:32 AM
Unbelievable but true, I do think that SM is fixing my body. For the first time in my life I am actually able to gain wieght, which means my body is excepting food and responding to excersize! I am now 108lbs. It will be hard to adjust to this new number because I have been in the mid 90s all my life and my first reaction is to think that I'm getting fat, but that's ridiculous.
I have also found myself buying clothes in the attempt to look attractive, a drive that has never existed before. Something if filling out that has been dormant for a long time, and though I may never fully be cured, SM may be the key to a livable life.

3/1/2004 7:50:07 PM

My First Play Party!
I went to my first party last night and had myself quite a bit of sensation. It turns out that I can indeed handle relatively heavy beatings and Clover clamps, though I am still in the experimental stages. A set of Clovers broke on me and so were given to me as a gift.

I will cherish them always.


2/26/2004 12:31:34 PM
Ai!
I have been overrun with letters from well-meaning men and I have tried to answer them all, but it is too much!
Dear kind men, please know that your support is very much appreciated, so please don't feel sad if I don't get back to you. Any kind words make me happy.

2/22/2004 6:46:08 PM
Oh PrettyDomme, where are you?
Where are all the kind, nurturing and loving Dommes? You can't all be as cold as you say...can you?

2/6/2004 6:47:59 AM
Hmmmm....
Dear all of CollarMe. Please not that I am looking for a woman. A female type. The age doesn't matter much; I had a lovely dream last night of a much older Domme, but she was a woman and that makes all the difference for me.

Also, I am not interested in slavery. I am sexually submissive ONLY. I lived under very dominating circumstances  for many years and have become restlessly independant in my quest for new life.

2/4/2004 1:28:14 PM

Please be aware, I may be young and unexperienced at SM, do not take me for a fool. I have survived many things on my wits alone. This picture was taken while I was homeless for one.

Do not seek to treat me as your submissive if I have not decided to let you. I have the final say as to whether you may have access to my world and I take that very very seriously.

To the rest of you kind folk, thank you for your attentions and input. Thank you very very much.
-Adelphus
Shy but True


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 Age: 26
 London, Canada