Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are thoroughly free from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy; cleanse them completely from every clinging spite: pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short, see that these months are freed from all the past; have them as fresh and clean as when they first came from the great storehouse of Time.

Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts. This batch will keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows:

Into each day put twelve parts of faith, eleven of patience, ten of courage, nine of work (some people omit this ingredient and so spoil the flavor of the rest), eight of hope, seven of fidelity, six of liberality, five of kindness, four of rest (leaving this out is like leaving the oil out of the salad, don't do it), three of prayer, two of meditation, and one well selected resolution. If you have no conscientious scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, and a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humor.

Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with vim. Cook thoroughly in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness, and a Happy New Year is certain.

Anonymous
True love is not something that comes everyday, follow your heart, it knows the right answer.

Mignon McLaughlin
Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren't even there before.

Helen Rowland
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

Charles du Bos
Love does not care to define and is never in a hurry to do so.

D. H. Lawrence
Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own loveless ness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it.

Anonymous
It's so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who will catch you.

Timothy Oliveira
There are two kinds of sparks, the one that goes off with a hitch like a match, but it burns quickly. The other is the kind that needs time, but when the flame strikes... it's eternal, don't forget that.

Werner Erhard
You don't have to go looking for love when it's where you come from.

Anonymous
Sometimes the one thing you are looking for is the one thing you can't see.

David Byrne
Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence.

Albert Ellis
The art of love... is largely the art of persistence.

Anonymous
It is never too late to fall in love.

Carl Ewald
Take spring when it comes and rejoice. Take happiness when it comes and rejoice. Take love when it comes and rejoice.

Ryan Erickson
The road to finding 'the one' is paved with a bit of promiscuity.

Mark Twain
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Robert Mitchum
Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it.

Anonymous
Nothing compares with the finding of true love; because once you do your heart is complete.

Tom Robbins
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

George Burns

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens

We may not always realize

That every thing we do,

Affects not only our lives

But touches others, too!


For a little bit of thoughtfulness

That shows someone you care,

Creates a ray of sunshine

For both of you to share.

 
Yes, every time you offer

Someone a helping hand …

Every time you show a friend

You care and understand …

 
Every time you have

A kind and gentle word to give …

You help someone find beauty

In this precious life we live.

 
For happiness brings happiness

And loving ways bring love;

And Giving is the treasure

That contentment is made of.

One act of kindness

Can mean so very much

Just a pleasant smile

Or a gentle touch

Maybe an encouraging word

At the right time

Could end one’s depression

And make their eyes shine

Reaching out to others

Is what it’s all about

It can be done quietly

There’s no need to shout

When you perform an act of kindness

You’ve dropped a pebble in a stream

The ripples can keep spreading out

Forever, it may seem

The person whose life you touched

May reach out to touch their brothers

And those brothers may reach out

To touch the lives of many others

God wants us to share

Our kindness and our love

He gave each of us the capacity

It came from up above

It feels good to help someone

To reach out when they are down

To put a smile on a face

Where once there was a frown

Remember God is watching

He sees everything you do

When you perform acts of kindness

God sends many blessings to you

A New Year Prayer

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year’s Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance – and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say “I love you” at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God’s love in every sunset, every flower’s unfolding petals, every baby’s smile, every lover’s kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

 
Happy New Year!

Always Remember . . .

1.         Never laugh at anyone’s dreams.

2.       Love deeply & passionately. You might get hurt, but it’s the only way to live life completely.

3.         Don’t judge people by their relatives.

4.       Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.

5.         Remember the three Rs:

Respect for self,

Respect for others,

Responsibility for your actions.

6.        Don’t overlook life’s small joys while searching for big ones.

7.        Give people more than they expect & do it cheerfully.

8.        Be the first to fight for a just cause.

9.        Remember that no time is wasted that makes 2 or more people better friends.

10.    Never say anything uncomplimentary about another person’s dog

11.      Don’t think expensive equipment will make up for lack of talent or practice.

12.     Memorize your favorite love poem.

13.      Do the right thing, regardless of what others think.

14.    Judge people from where they stand, not from where you stand.

15.      Life will sometimes give you a magical moment. Savor it.

16.     Don’t confuse comfort with happiness or wealth with success.

17.     Be the first to forgive.

18.     Spend some time alone.

19.     Be an original. If that means being a little eccentric, so be it.

20.   Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

21.     Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

22.   When you say “I Love You”, mean it.

23.     Watch your attitude. It’s the first thing people notice about you.

24.   Remember that the more you know, the less you fear.

25.     Be humble & polite, but don’t let people push you around.

26.    Don’t let weeds grow around your dreams.

27.    Remember that how you say something is just as important as what you say.

28.    Read between the lines.

29.    Don’t think you can fill an emptiness in your heart with money.

30.    Remember that the shortest way to travel anywhere is to have good company with you.

31.      Take criticism and praise with equal grace.

32.     Remember that what’s right isn’t always popular & what’s popular isn’t always right.

33.      Remember that great love & great achievements involve great risk.

34.    Never risk what you can’t afford to lose.

35.      Remember that ignorance is expensive.

36.     Learn the rules, then break some.

37.     Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

38.     Don’t confuse foolishness with bravery and kindness with weakness.

39.     Life is too short. Eat more pancakes than rice cakes.

40.  Follow your own star.

41.    Remember the ones you love.

42.   Follow your dreams……………………….

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

People Too Weak To Follow Their Own Dreams Will Always Try To Find A Way To Discourage Yours

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future

Resqmoi

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".  He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."

In 1983

On the day of changes, a child was born

This child did not see the world in a same spectrum as you or me

Fourteen years had passed before his views and notions would be negated

His eyes and heart torn from his soul in his time of need

His only hope to go on was his little sister

Who had died seven years before

His eyes swelled shut from the world around him

His life then taken from a bloody blade

His mind at peace with his thoughts

His hope had died with the angels

by Gary R. Hess

==========================

A man of courage is also full of faith.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired.

Martin Luther

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.

Emmanuel Teney

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

Mother Teresa

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.

Kahlil Gibran

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.

Henry Ward Beecher

Faith and doubt both are needed - not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.

Lillian Smith

Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.

Voltaire

Faith has to do with things that are not seen and hope with things that are not at hand.

Saint Thomas Aquinas

Faith indeed tells what the senses do not tell, but not the contrary of what they see. It is above them and not contrary to them.

Blaise Pascal

Faith is a passionate intuition.

William Wordsworth

Faith is not contrary to reason.

Sherwood Eddy

Faith is reason grown courageous.

Sherwood Eddy

Faith is spiritualized imagination.

Henry Ward Beecher

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.

Saint Augustine

Faith, to my mind, is a stiffening process, a sort of mental starch.

E. M. Forster

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Have faith in God; God has faith in you.

Edwin Louis Cole

He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly.

B. C. Forbes

A soft refusal is not always taken, but a rude one is immediately believed.

Alexander Chase

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

For my part I believe in the forgiveness of sin and the redemption of ignorance.

Adlai E. Stevenson

Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself.

Ausonius

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

John F. Kennedy

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

William Arthur Ward

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Suzanne Somers

Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.

Indira Gandhi

Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again.

Dag Hammarskjold

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

Hannah More

Forgiveness is the final form of love.

Reinhold Niebuhr

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Mark Twain

Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life.

George MacDonald

Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.

Hannah Arendt

Forgiveness is the remission of sins. For it is by this that what has been lost, and was found, is saved from being lost again.

Saint Augustine

Forgiveness means letting go of the past.

Gerald Jampolsky

God will forgive me. It's his job.

Heinrich Heine

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.

Thomas Fuller

Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness, or else forgiving another.

Jean Paul

A comfortable old age is the reward of a well-spent youth. Instead of its bringing sad and melancholy prospects of decay, it would give us hopes of eternal youth in a better world.

Maurice Chevalier

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

Robert Frost

Advice in old age is foolish; for what can be more absurd than to increase our provisions for the road the nearer we approach to our journey's end.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.

Bette Midler

Age considers; youth ventures.

Rabindranath Tagore

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.

Jim Fiebig

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Tom Stoppard

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Mark Twain

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Don Marquis

Alas, after a certain age every man is responsible for his face.

Albert Camus

All diseases run into one, old age.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.

Henry Ford

As I approve of a youth that has something of the old man in him, so I am no less pleased with an old man that has something of the youth. He that follows this rule may be old in body, but can never be so in mind.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

As long as any adult thinks that he, like the parents and teachers of old, can become introspective, invoking his own youth to understand the youth before him, he is lost.

Margaret Mead

Bashfulness is an ornament to youth, but a reproach to old age.

Aristotle

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.

Bill Vaughan

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.

George Bernard Shaw

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

Victor Hugo

Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy person has no time to form.

Andre Maurois

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Bill Gates is the pope of the personal computer industry. He decides who's going to build.

Larry Ellison

Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.

Edsger Dijkstra

Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams, but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding.

Louis Gerstner

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Andy Rooney

Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living.

Nicholas Negroponte

Data is not information, information is not knowledge, knowledge is not understanding, understanding is not wisdom.

Clifford Stoll

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

Doug Larson

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Dave Barry

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Isaac Asimov

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.

Stephen Hawking

I think it's fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we've ever created. They're tools of communication, they're tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user.

Bill Gates

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

Steve Wozniak

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.

Isaac Asimov

People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster.

Adam Osborne

Supercomputers will achieve one human brain capacity by 2010, and personal computers will do so by about 2020.

Ray Kurzweil

The computer is a moron.

Peter Drucker

The digital revolution is far more significant than the invention of writing or even of printing.

Douglas Engelbart

The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do.

Ted Nelson

Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.

Bruce Barton

All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.

Ellen Glasgow

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

Anatole France

Always remember that the future comes one day at a time.

Dean Acheson

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.

Arnold Bennett

Anyone who thinks there's safety in numbers hasn't looked at the stock market pages.

Irene Peter

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.

Bertolt Brecht

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.

Arthur Schopenhauer

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

Robert C. Gallagher

Christians are supposed not merely to endure change, nor even to profit by it, but to cause it.

Harry Emerson Fosdick

He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator.

Francis Bacon

He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.

Harold Wilson

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.

Carl Jung

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.

Frederick Douglass

If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.

Gail Sheehy

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

Maya Angelou

If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change.

John A. Simone, Sr.

Ignorance is no excuse, it's the real thing.

Irene Peter

In a progressive country change is constant; change is inevitable.

Benjamin Disraeli

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.

C. S. Lewis

Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.

James Fallows

Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding.

Mohandas Gandhi

Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.

George Eliot

Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.

Albert Einstein

Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him.

Louis L'Amour

Anger is a short madness.

Horace

Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.

Robert Green Ingersoll

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Mark Twain

Anger is one of the sinews of the soul.

Thomas Fuller

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.

Maya Angelou

Expressing anger is a form of public littering.

Willard Gaylin

Fair peace becomes men; ferocious anger belongs to beasts.

Ovid

For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Get mad, then get over it.

Colin Powell

He who angers you conquers you.

Elizabeth Kenny

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

William Congreve

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Buddha

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.

Marcus Aurelius

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?

Sydney J. Harris

A comfortable old age is the reward of a well-spent youth. Instead of its bringing sad and melancholy prospects of decay, it would give us hopes of eternal youth in a better world.

Maurice Chevalier

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

Robert Frost

Advice in old age is foolish; for what can be more absurd than to increase our provisions for the road the nearer we approach to our journey's end.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.

Bette Midler

Age considers; youth ventures.

Rabindranath Tagore

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.

Jim Fiebig

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Tom Stoppard

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Mark Twain

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Don Marquis

Alas, after a certain age every man is responsible for his face.

Albert Camus

All diseases run into one, old age.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.

Henry Ford

As I approve of a youth that has something of the old man in him, so I am no less pleased with an old man that has something of the youth. He that follows this rule may be old in body, but can never be so in mind.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

As long as any adult thinks that he, like the parents and teachers of old, can become introspective, invoking his own youth to understand the youth before him, he is lost.

Margaret Mead

Bashfulness is an ornament to youth, but a reproach to old age.

Aristotle

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.

Bill Vaughan

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.

George Bernard Shaw

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

Victor Hugo

Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy person has no time to form.

Andre Maurois

I Don't Know You Anymore

By Savage Garden

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

A Thousand Words

By Savage Garden

"Crash And Burn"

By Savage Garden

When you feel all alone

And the world has turned its back on you

Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you

It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold

When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone

When you feel all alone

And a loyal friend is hard to find

You're caught in a one way street

With the monsters in your head

When hopes and dreams are far away and

You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain

And when it's over you'll breathe again

You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone

And the world has turned its back on you

Give me a moment please

To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed…

… “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

I don’t want to do the dishes,

I don’t want to do the wash,

I sprinkled clothes a week ago

And now my iron is lost!

I don’t wanna clean the pots,

I don’t wanna rattle pans,

I wanna read my e-mail,

And chat with all my friends!

The table needs some dusting

and the floor could sure be mopped,

But I know if I get started

There’ll be no place to stop.

The closets are so full

Things are falling off the shelves,

I wish for cleaning fairies

And magic laundry elves!

They could sprinkle fairy dust

And twitch their little nose,

And the windows would be sparkling

And I’d have no dirty clothes.

I don’t know what I’m saying,

My head is in the sky,

I must cook that meat that’s graying

And bake that apple pie!

My husband needs a flea bath,

The dog needs some attention…

Oh, the other way around I mean!

My brain is in suspension!

I am running round in circles,

I am getting nothing done,

I keep thinking of the internet,

I’m missing all the fun!

I know I’m not addicted

Though I hear that all the time,

But I guess this stuff will have to wait,

Cause today I’ll be ON LINE!!!

Meet You in Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her — “Hello” “How are you! We’ve been waiting for you!” “Good to see you”.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?”, the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?” “Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word”, the woman told him.

“Which word?”, her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1.A day without sunshine is like, night.

2.On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 4.42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6.I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

7.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

8.I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

9.Honk if you love peace and quiet.

10.Remember: half the people you know are below average.

11.Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

12.Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

13.He who laughs last thinks slowest.

14.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

15.Eagles may soar, but dogs don’t get sucked into jet engines.

16.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

17.I intend to live forever — so far so good.

18.Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

19.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

20.The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.

21.Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have.

22.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

23.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24.A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

25.Experience is something you don’t get until after you need it.

26.For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

27.Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.

28.Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

29.Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store

check-out line you’re in will always take the longest.

30.No one is listening until you make a mistake.

31.Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.

32.Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

33.The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required on it.

34.The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

35.The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.

36.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

37.Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

38.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

39.Two wrongs are only the beginning.

40.The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

41.The sooner you fall behine the more time you’ll have to catch up.

42.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

43.Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

44.Get a new car for you spouse — it’ll be a great trade!

45.Plan to be spontaneous — tomorrow.

46.Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

47.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

48.Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

49.If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

How the Fight Started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

================

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started…..

================

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started….

================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started……

================

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started……

================

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

================