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| My heart belongs to a man who I love with everything in my being. I'll be here occasionally to post some of my poetry, but that's it.
Best wishes to all.
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My heart is in so much pain . |
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Desperately needing prayers. |
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I can't do anything right.
What is wrong with me. |
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Last night he burned all the records and papers I had in my possession of what happened to me.
In my mind I experienced temporary resistance in letting them go, but that feeling of resistance was fleeting.
I handed the papers to my love, and one by one, he crumbled the papers up, and threw them into the fireplace, and then he set them afire. I watched intensely as they burned, and oddly, I felt a sense of release come over me, as if something had been lifted from me, or partially healed.
I have no illusions that what happened never did, or that it doesn't still effect me. Because it does, and always will. But in a way, what happened made me stronger. I think about the scars you gave me, both the mental and physical ones, and I have concluded that I need not be ashamed of these scars, and no longer angry or ashamed of myself for fearing you and what you did. But rather, I am proud of myself. You were a force, and I was immoveable , and you may have bent me, but I didn't break.
You only created a scar.
To my love, thank you for burning away a painful part of my life. Having you be the one to toss the papers into the fire was half of the healing for me.
You have my heart, and all of my love. - |
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Lithium..
Don't want to lock me up inside,
Lithium..
Don't want to know how it feels without,
Lithium...
I wana stay in love with my sorrow,
But ohhhhhh God...
I wana let it go. |
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Who are you when I'm not looking?
When the doors are locked and the shades are down,
Do you listen to music quietly,
And when it feels just right are you thinking of me?
I wanna know,
Oh I wanna know.. |
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You and tequila make me crazy,
Run like poison in my blood,
One more night could kill me baby,
One is one too many,
But one more is never enough. |
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I feel like crying.
I just don't understand. |
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I stopped fearing the possibility of monsters hiding under my bed, when I realized they hide inside of people, instead. |
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, it isn't that I'm jealous.
Sometimes it's me trying to protect you from something.
If I get a strong feeling you need protection from it, then I will protect you.
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I miss him so much. I know I saw him not long ago, but when you love someone so much, a minute away from that person feels like an eternity. I wish so extremely much that I could just be at home with him, cradled in his strong arms. Where I am safe, where my heart and soul are happy and at peace.
He is my guardian angel, the love of my life. The keeper and protector of my mind, heart, body and soul.
I love him with everything in me.
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"I'm just not in love with you,
I will never love you like that,
so here's your heart and all your love,
I want you to take it back ." |
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I'm slowly starting to lose hope.
Sweet, beautiful hope. Withering
away like the last leaf on a tree in midwinter.
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I guess I'm just easy to forget. |
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In my vision I asked Jesus why he would put me in such a predicament.
He softly spoke, "Because little one, even angels need angels."
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Who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars,
Collecting a jar of hearts,
And tearing me apart.
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul,
And one day you'll crawl back to me.
Who do you think you are?
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I don't know why I try so hard sometimes.
I really need my Dad.
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They called me a prophetess,
A old soul visionary.
But I'm a mess,
And my visions scare me. |
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I'm a master of all the words that have gone unsaid, but I'm a slave to the ones I've let slip. |
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I hate being me sometimes!!
I hate that I love so hard and so passionately and I get on peoples nerves. I hate that my heart is so big. I hate that I'm so sensitive and emotional.
I'm so much like my Dad.
I only want to be loved. |
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I'm so tired of being thrown away, kicked when I'm down. Teased and hurt for no reason.
What did I ever do to deserve such meanness?
What did I do.
People are so cruel and disappointing .
Just remember, whatever you do, will come back to you . |
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I wish I could make people understand what a Little is.
We aren't a fetish. We aren't weird. Not all of us suck Binky's and wear diapers, even though some of us do, and there is nothing wrong with that. But being a Little isn't about sippy cups or hair bows or coloring books... Being Little is a state of mind. It's in your heart.
Littles are so child like, therefore we get our feelings hurt so easily. Especially by our Daddy's. Our Daddy holds our Little world in the palm of his hand, and we trust him completely. Littles are constantly trying to create new ways to make her Daddy proud. Because as any Little knows, hearing her Daddy say I'm proud of you lights up our world.
But when our Daddy's are upset with us, our world becomes dark and sad, and there is no way to explain the disappointment we feel in ourselves.
And when we can't see our Daddy, we get sad, depressed, and sick. Our Daddy is the sun that lights up our world, and the moon and stars that lights our little sky.
All we want is to hear our Daddy tell us we are beautiful and that he loves you.
We're so complex, yet so simple.
We can't help who we are. And we all have a past that made us the Littles that we are.
I just wish I could get some people to understand. |
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I'm so mad right now.
Hurt and irate.
I'm seeing fucking red. |
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"Close your eyes and count to seven, when you wake you'll be in heaven."
That doesn't work like it did then. |
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I love you.
I love being with you.
I love you because when I'm with you, I love me too.
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Dear God, you have to get me away from this hell.
I think about all the people who have hurt me, and I've got to ask myself what did I do to deserve it? If I'm such a good person, then why have people hurt me.
There has to be something wrong with me.
When I was a child, I would imagine my wings coming out and flying away to heaven, and I would fly to the throne, and I would lay my head in his lap, and he would caress my head.
I imagine the same thing now, but my little wings feel too broken to get me that far.
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Rest in peace dear Cory.
Another young life gone too soon.
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f I die young, bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses,Sink me in the river at dawn,
Send me away with the words of a love song...
Oh life ain't what you think it oughta be,
Ain't even grey when she buries her baby,
The sharp knife of a short life.
Maybe I've had just enough time..
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I've been through enough torment in my life, in every way imaginable.
I've almost had enough.
I fear my heart is changing. |
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I put my universe in a box, and I buried it in the ground.
No, it isn't a time capsule.
Just my Daddy. |
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I know I've asked for prayers before. But its the only thing I know to do right now.
For some reason, God brought me to this, and all I can do is trust that he will get me through it.
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You wake up.
You brushed your teeth.
You combed your hair.
You got dressed.
Got in your truck, and headed for the lake.
Made it to your destination.
Got out.
Got in your boat.
Got your gun.
The sun hasn't even yet awoken.
You get out onto the lake.
Something happens.
Something goes terribly wrong.
You hit your head. Hard.
You fall into the water.
The water fills up your lungs.
Are you alive? Or are dead yet?
Did you make a soft struggle? Or did you just give in and let the water fill you.
And before your heart stopped beating, did I go through your mind?
Visions of me running into your arms? Sounds of me giggling? Telling you I love you? Memories of me being born, cradling me in your arms.
What did you see. Was the last thing you thought of me?
Then you left.
Your body went limp.
Thanksgiving day.
Air freezing cold.
Your body makes it to the bank.
You lay there. Cold. Motionless. Gone.
Your body laid there for 6 hours before anyone found you.
My nightmare come true.
Why would anyone want to make me remember this. |
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If there is one thing that I've learned, it is this...
If God brings you to it,
He will bring you through it. |
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I look at the ground and I can't believe you're under there.
But when I see your name written in stone, it all sinks in.
Thank you Dad, for showing me what love is. What it means and how it should feel.
I'm not sure what's real right now,and what isn't.
But when I sleep, you are there in my dreams, and I find myself wishing I could just stay asleep.
So just stay with me Daddy.
Just stay with me. |
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"I've got boots and she's got wings.
I'm hell on wheels and she's heavenly..
I'd die for her and she lives for me,
Cowboys and Angels....
We ride side by side,
A cloud of dust and a ray of light,
My touch is her temptation,
Her kiss is my salvation,
She's sweet I'm wild we're dangerous,
Cowboys and Angels....
Now I ain't sure why her path crossed mine,
Was it accident or grand design?
Or maybe God just kinda likes,
Cowboys and Angels. ." |
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I know this may not be the best place to post this, but I am asking for prayers. I desperately need God right now.
So I'm calling upon all prayer warriors to please pray hard for me.
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Desperado, why can't you come to your senses?
You've been out riding fences for so long.
Oh, you're a hard one,
And we both know your reasons,
But the one you think will please you, will just hurt you somehow.
So don't draw the king of diamonds love,
She'll hurt you when she's able,
The queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me that something fine has been laid upon your table,
And youre Completely blinded by the one you still can't get.
And you ain't getting any younger,
Your pain and your hunger are driving you home.
And freedom, oh freedom... Well that's just some people talking,
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.
Desperado, why can't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences and open the gate,
I know its been raining, but I'm the rainbow above you,
So please just let me love you,
You've gotta just let me love you,
And Open your eyes before its too late. |
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If I'm lucky, You will tell me that you care, That we'll never be apart. If I'm lucky, This will be no light affair, It's forever from the start.
If I'm lucky, There be moonbeams all around, Shining bright as day. You will hold my hand And you'll understand All i cannot seem to say
If I'm lucky, There will be time and a place, You'll kiss me, we'll embrace; In that moment, Every whisful dream i ever knew Will come true; If I'm lucky, I will go through the years with you.
If I'm lucky.
(Melody Gardot) |
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I just don't think I will ever be able to understand why the worst of things befall the best people. We live in a world where being a kind hearted person is a good trait, but an unfortunate one. Because unfortunately not everyone in this world is good.
There has to be a time that will one day come when I will stop blindly trusting people. I don't want to see bad things in people. I'm happy assuming that people have kind hearts and good intentions. Its just not in me to assume the worst in others.
My heart has so much faith in others.
Jesus trusted others, and loved everyone equally, and he saw so much good in us, that he died to save us, and give us life. |
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You just simply cant make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them to realize your worth. |
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If only you could see yourself the way God see's you, you would truly know the depth of your beauty, and worth.
We are beautiful because we were made in his image.
It's so sad when i hear someone say that they don't feel loved. Jesus died on the cross to save you, because why? Because he loved you that much. He loved you fiercely and unconditionally.
Heaven is real . He is real.
And you, you are proof of his love. |
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Well, my birthday went well. I was sad at first, but my Daddy made it so much better. And, i got the most awesome birthday gift.... it can sit in the palm of my hand.
I still cant believe im 23....yikes!!
:) |
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Well, its my birthday.
I wish it was a happier one. |
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I hate this day. I fucking hate feeling this way. I just want my Daddy. Its not fair that other girls have their Daddys, and not me.
He belonged to me. He was my baby, my lover, my best friend.
I am so angry and hurt.
Thank you to everyone who called me today to make sure im okay.
It meant alot. |
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Happy Fathers day to my sweet loving angel Daddy.
Dear god, please give me strength to get through this day. |
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Young girl, don't cry. Your tears will dry and everything will be alright.
Nothing is ever as bad as it always seems,
Just close your eyes and be the angel you are in your dreams.
Im here to help you spread your wings.
This love you need and emptiness you feel,
It will pass, and you will heal.
When you feel unloved, unwanted and lost,
Remember the love given on that blood stained cross.
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Open your eyes, angels are closer than you think.
They come into our lives at strange times and strange places. They can come in any form, whether be it animal or human.
They come into our lives to comfort us, to guide us, to help us fight, and sometimes to remind us simply that we are not alone.
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What an eye opening vision. |
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My darling, I can talk to you and hear the heartbreak in your voice. I can look into your eyes and see the secrets of your very soul.
I know you've known pain.
But I promise to help ease it, and one day take it away.
I want to fill your days with happiness and joy, and when you see me, I want to make your heart smile.
I can see your pain. It falls down on me like rain. I told you before that your pain is no longer your own. If you find comfort in nothing else, then find comfort in me. I will help you carry your burdens, and even though those before me have hurt you in ways that still haunt you today, I will remain, here with you. I will catch your tears before they even have a chance to fall. I will ease your mind when you are worried. I will be there.
Come to me, and let me hold you through this night. My wings will shelter you, and I will sing to you heavens lullaby. You are in the arms of an Angel, may you find some comfort here. |
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I used to have such a great understanding of who I was in this life, until i set foot in the real world. I was always the more naieve one, who believed in the good in everyone. I used to think the world was divided up by two different types of people, evil people, and good people. In my young years i have come to realize that the world is not made up of black and white. We all have within us the power of good and evil, and we make a choice to be one or the other. When i was raped, i felt pity for my rapist for so long. I often wondered if he was simply born bad, and couldn't help what he did to me. But this is not true. I realize now that he made an active choice to do what he did to me. He let the evil in him take over, and its no secret what it sought. I still pity him in some ways, but not for the same reasons.
In our lives, we are put through obstacles, we face trauma. We witness the death of the ones we love. We experience heart break. But all the things I have been through are not in vain. For everything that I have been through, has led up to this point. I hate that the traumas that I have faced have changed me in certain ways. But I still retain my child-like view of people and the world.
Having to see my Daddy laying in a coffin was the biggest trauma I have been faced with. And I survived it. Something I thought I surely would not be able to do.
I often wonder if all that was good in me died with him. But then I remember that he is always with me, living within me. Therefore I am still with me too.
Today, I have no illusion that my future won't hold anymore loss or heartache. I can only pray that god sees me through it as he always has.
And when I get angry with god, for all that I've been through, I just remind myself that God gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.
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Insignificant?
That's an understatement. |
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You can't fight the tears that keep coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies,
When everything feels like a horror movie,
You bleed just to know you're alive.
All I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
When sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.
I'd give up forever to touch you,
Cause I know that you'll feel me somehow,
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
Please don't make me go home right now. |
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We spend so much time trying to capture the love of those who reject us, that we take for granted those who love us so much.
Love is the most powerful thing imaginable, and in its truest most unconditional form, nothing can break it. We become comfortable, and accustomed to that love, to that person, and we assume that they will always be there to love us when no one else will. But, we are wrong. The somber truth lies within the reality that death is real, and hearts get tired of being hurt, and they give up.. This is what I call the death of hope.
These people that love us the most are a powerful force. And when they are gone, we are left with our tears, looking at the places they once stood, wondering to ourselves how a force so powerful could be taken away so quickly. Like a theif in the night. And we stand heartbroken, aching in the ghost of their love.
My message is simple. Love those who you love you. Forget the ones who won't, and forgive the ones who never did.. Love every second. Love hard. Love often.
Love now. Because now is all we have. |
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You touched me in the most violently tender way. How I relished in every second of it.
You took my old pain, and you threw it to the four winds. We watched as it drifted on the breeze, you cast it out into oblivion.
You placed your hands over my scars, and one by one, they vanished, as if they never were.
You whispered into my heart that I am never alone, and the scars there vanished too.
You touched me in places that evil once touched me, and now, I fear no evil, for you have calmed my fears. Your faith in me is my sword, and your love is my shield. No evil can befall me now.
You stood at the gates of my dreams, and you chased away my nightmares, you didn't give them a chance to come close. Another miracle.
You took me out of my own hell I became lost in, and you showed me something I thought was gone,.. A heaven I've long since known.
And at times when evil comes to play, you stand in front of me, your feet firmly planted on the ground, your head held high, and your wings expand. How they seem to expand for miles.. The enemy is frightened by the magnificence and beauty of your wings, and he vanishes.
You turn to me, you hold me close to your heart, as your wings gently come down and close in around me. They keep me safe, warm, sheltered, and in them, I have found heaven, once more. |
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Having a vision while driving.... Not fun.
"I'll send you visions of things unseen, and signs of things to come. "
If I never had another vision again, I really wouldn't complain. |
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God, you said you would have me walk through fire to send your messages and heal others.
You just didn't tell me it would burn this badly. |
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I miss the way you always told me how beautiful I am, all the time, for no reason at all, other than just to remind me. I never said thank you for that. |
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I'm laying here without you. In this big empty bed. I can hear the rain outside of the Window, and every drop that falls is a reminder of every tear I've shed for you.
I look over at the empty space in the bed, and envision you laying there. But you're gone now. Your pillow still smells of you, and the sheets still have your scent upon them. What a torturous delight.
I miss you Daddy. This bed is not the safe place that it used to be. All I do is lay here and think of you laying beside me, with my head laying on your chest, my fingers exploring your chest, gently rubbing your skin, caressing your head as if you were my child. And in my own way, I felt so motherly towards you. And when you died, I felt like a mother who had cold tragedy snatch her baby from her arms.
You held the key to my heart.
And now, I lay here in this bed, listening to the somber rain, I clench tight to my teddy bear, my tears stain your pillow.
I ache in the ghost of your love. |
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Dad, I am sorry that I still am hanging on to my anger. Forgiveness doesn't seem to come to easily for me when it comes to this.
Surely by now, you must know how in love with you I was. You were and still are my everything. My sunshine, my star, my air, my backbone, my guardian, my best friend, my first Love.
I hate the fact that you could never see me as your lover. You only saw me as a child. A child who maybe had a few wires crossed and may have been going through a phase. Dad, my love for you was no phase.
I wanted you to be my partner, my other half, my mate. But you would not allow such things to happen. So one day, you tell me of your new found love, you say you want me to meet her, that she's nice, she's this and that. And you'll never know how horribly you broke my heart with your words. I lashed out at you, and I told you how stupid you were for dating her, for wanting her, and for rejecting me. You might as well should have just told me that you don't love me, and that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, old enough,.. Just not worthy. But you said you loved me and that you'd always be my Daddy. Do you know how fucking bad those words hurt? Do you realize what you did to me? I laid there in bed at night, with the weight of your words and actions upon my heart, making it heavy, and sore, and eventually I couldn't bear the weight of what you've done, and my heart caved in and broke into pieces.
Do you know that I would have made you so happy if you only would have let me? I would lay in bed with you at night and dream of being the one you wanted to hold forever. I dreamed of cooking you dinner, ironing your clothes, making your bed, rubbing your feet after a hard day of work. I dreamed of simply being with you, of making you happy. Why would anyone in their right mind reject such a thing?
It leaves me to wonder, what on earth was wrong with you? I love you so much. I could have been a big girl for you. I could have taken care of you for the rest of your life. And I would have been so happy to be allowed to do so.
You said you would always be my Daddy, as if that statement was supposed to bring me some twisted bit of happiness, but it only fueled my anger and pain. You would always be my Daddy, i know. And it broke my heart more with each time you said it, because I knew that is all you ever wanted to be.
You created a wound in me that is taking forever to heal, and I fear it may never.
Why couldn't you of just let me love you and been with you in the way I wanted and needed to be?
I'm not ready to forgive you. I simply want you to know my pain. |
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I will never understand why so many people are taken from us so so young. You were only 27 years old when tragedy snatched you away from us last night.
When we're young, we think we're bullet proof, and we seem to forget that death can claim us at any given moment.
I love you, and I will always remember you coming to my Daddys funeral to bring him his favorite pen, the way my heart ached when you pinned it to his shirt. Thank you for that.
You were so handsome, and so sweet and loved.
Too young. Too tragic. Too soon.
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Hate is such a strong, powerful emotion.
I think humans hold on to their hate so strongly, because once the hate is gone, we will be forced to face the pain. |
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You asked me once why I fell in love with you, and when. I don't know how you could ever have to wonder such a thing.
I willingly opened myself up to you. I told you all my secrets, even the very private ones. - I let all my inner most desires be known to you.
I told you about the sins of my past, and those who have hurt me the most.
I have turned myself inside out, and revealed everything to you. I gave you every chance to take advantage of my vulnerability and use it against me, while trusting that you wouldn't. And therein lies what true submission really is.
I can not tell you the day, nor the hour I fell in love with you,.. But I can say, that you are such a total nerd. You never text me when I want you to, and when I don't text you, it's not that I'm busy or don't miss you, it's just that I'm waiting for you to miss me. You have the most awful, ungraceful way with words, lol... and you say whatever pops into your mind.. But, you are so sweet, and you have a beautiful heart, and a timeless soul. When I'm with you, I feel so safe and secure and happy. I find all my joy and happiness simply in the existence of you.
So somewhere in our deep conversations, inside jokes, your nerdyness., the way you tell the universe goodnight, and your acceptance of me,.. I fell in love.
You are my heaven. |
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I think the one thing I admired most about my Dad, was that he Never broke a promise to me.
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Heal me- Take away the scars that life has inflicted upon me.
Accept me- for all that I am and all that I want to be.
Mold me- shape me into what you know I'm capable of being.
Guide me- take my hand and lead me down the right path, and make sure I never stray.
Hold me - embrace me so tightly and whisper your words of passion into my ear.
But above all...
Love me- strongly, passionately, unconditionally, always. |
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I've made a mess of myself, and even worse, I've allowed you to see everything I wanted to hide. I fear I've made you mad at me, through my anger towards what I can't control. I never meant to hurt you like others before me have hurt you,. And I never wanted to be another bad thing. I love you beyond the ability to express it with mete words. Because no words can encapsulate all that I feel, and all that you mean to me.
I'm sorry that I was rude the past couple days. Please understand that I didn't mean to. I was just hurt, and through my pain, I lashed out. I am sorry.
I just want you, all of you, for the rest of my life, for all eternity. But I know the feeling is not mutual right now, so please bear with me as I try to cope with that reality.
I am yours as long as I breathe, and if I was given the choice to die, or to love you, I would use my last breath to tell you I love you.
Please forgive me, I never meant to be another bad thing.
I love you always. |
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I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, And I wish you could see what is in my heart.
Because only then will you understand the gravity of my love.
I know that you wish I didn't love you the way that I do, but please know this,.. I wasn't given a choice.
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Doesn't know whether I need to be held or hurt,
And nothing stings more than your words,
Walk the streets of darkness where danger is lurking,
Got to get that old high that numbs what's hurting,
I need my fix,
I'm so addicted.,
To be hurt or be held.,..
I'm so conflicted. |
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Feeling terribly unappreciated.
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We're long lost angel lovers,
Searching in everyone for what lies within each other.
We're of the same feather,
Angels of one wing,
You're a healing peace maker,
And I, the messenger of our king
Angels recognize other angels when they cross each others paths,
And I am overjoyed that you've finally crossed mine at last ,,
I've been sent to heal you,
To show you a love older than time,
To show you the love God wants you to feel,
And to banish the scars that have been forced into your heart and mind.
So as we lay here in this field under a blanket of stars,
You hold my hand as our eyes peer into heavens light,
You look over at me and passionately whisper "I love you",
You breathe deeply, and tell the universe goodnight. |
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Slight hope,
It dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption. |
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Life, so tragic, unexpected and beautiful. I remember when i was a child, i had such a perfect plan for my life. I think we all start off with a plan, with wild dreams, and farfetched visions. And then, real life comes along. I know now that life has its own plan.
I used to watch TV shows, and daily news reports that showed women being raped, and I always said, that will never be me. That could never happen to me. But alas, it did. I can forgive what he did, but I don't know how to forgive how he made me feel. So cheap, so dirty. The dirty feeling never goes away, it is always there, and it cuts deep. Even though I know I am clean, something in me still says "you're filthy, your insides are contaminated, you're just dirty." I hope one day this feeling will go away. Because it's an awful feeling to have. One that I'm sure all rape victims share.
Life is hard enough on it's on, but the absence of my Dad makes it so much harder. I have my good days, and then, I have the depressingly low days. Days where my heart feels like it crumbles in my chest. Days where it doesn't feel like the rest of the day is worth living. But, maybe I've learned something. Someone very dear to me recently told me, that even though my Dad is not living in the physical realm, he lives through me. Even though I know I've heard this before, for some reason, hearing him say it made it stick with me. I used to have thoughts of harming myself, due to the black deep depression I was trapped in. But it occurred to me, that the only thing I could ever do to hurt my Dad, would be to end my life, or harm myself in any way. He created me, and therefore he is a part of me. He lives within me, and the one thing I know I could never do, is hurt him. He will always be my Daddy, my first Love, and my very best friend. And now, my angel.
I am so thankful for the person god put in my life not too long ago. He has done big things in my life, my mind, my heart, and my soul. He has healed wounds that I never thought would heal. I came to him as a seed, and he has helped me blossom and grow. He is my living proof that three things undoubtedly exist.,. Karma, angels, and unconditional love. When I first met him, I never intended to fall in love with him. I only wanted a friend. But as time progressed, he became so much more to my heart. I guess there is something to be said about love,.. It isn't always expected. You don't always intend to fall, you just fall. .. The fall isn't always pretty. Sometimes you fall flat on your face, and make a total mess of yourself. Your presence in my life proves to me that God is watching over me. And that he sent you to me. You are my blessing, my divine gift.
Today, we walked on a pathway around a lake, and as we walked the pathway, you held my hand, as if you were guiding me, making sure I stayed on the path. I know now more than ever before, that God put you in my path, so that I no longer have to walk alone.
So I say thank you, for guiding my way, and lighting my path, even in the darkest times., my best friend, my angel love. - |
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"We stopped searching for the monsters under the bed, and realized they've been hiding inside of us all along." |
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I miss those brown eyes and how you kissed me at night,
I miss the way we breathe.
Like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile.
You make it hard to see.
But i never told you, what i should've said,
No, i just held it in,
And now i miss everything about you,
Can't believe I'm living on without you.
I see your brown eyes everytime i close mine,
You make it hard to see.
Where i belong to when I'm.not around you,
Its like I'm not with me.
So as i lay here talking to your ghost,
I know i miss your eyes the most.
You made me love me.
But i never told you.
I just held it in.
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I'll be your angel,
I'll be your muse,
Your personal blessing,
And your whore to abuse.
I'll be your canvas,
Pale, blank and still,
Paint your pain upon me,
Bend me to your will.
I'll be your masochist,
Your private little slut,
Shaking in your presence,
Melting at your touch.
I'll be your princess in public,
And a wild freak in the sheets,
I'll give you the best of both worlds,
Master, in me lies all you need. |
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After four years, you would think that Sundays wouldn't be so hard anymore. But, they are. Sunday is the worst day for me to be alone.
An idle mind truly is the devils playground. |
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Oh dear.
My masochism is showing. |
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I was in complete and total darkness. Trapped inside the blackest night. Lain in a place where angels fear to go.
But one angel did come.
And he pierced through the darkness with the tips of his wings.
He picked me up, held me close, and covered me with his wings.
You encapsulate heaven. |
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I remember fishing with you,
I did everything but be still,
Giggling when i touched a worm,
Proud of my little pink rod and reel.
Just sitting on the riverside,
Throwing back what we could fry,
Nothing too ambitious,
I know we weren't just fishin'.
You said I'm already pretty, like my mama is.
Gone drive the boys crazy,
And give you fits,
So we better do this every chance we get,
Cause time is kickin,
Yeah it is.
And here i am now all grown up,
Just sittin here thinkin and wishin,
And Daddy now i know
We weren't just fishin. |
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I always wondered if i would remember, and i do. I don't remember everything, i remember the heavens. After all, that was my home for thousands years..how can someone ever forget the place they call home? I remember the streets of gold, the gates made of pearls.. trees.abundant with every fruit imaginable.. gardens filled with roses as far as the eye can see... and i remember him, my almighty king. How i do miss sitting at his throne. As an angel, it is one of our many joys to observe humans,.and to help them, and heal them... to be the voice of reason in states of panic, and to bring comfort to the weary. But i, i was a different story. I was envious of them. I spent much time observing, just watching, studying humans in their day to day lives. One day, as i sat on a watch tower, basking in the sunset, i noticed a building from afar, and a window was open. There was a couple making love. I couldn't unhook my eyes from the.scene. They were nude, completely. Their bodies drenched with sweat, their hearts beating in the same loud rhythm, his member swollen inside of her.. the absolute joy on her face when her climax happened. Fluid gushing forth flowing freely. And then they laid there, trembling and he wrapped her in his embrace, and then he whispered to her,."i love you." How envious i was. How i yearned to feel what my eyes had beheld. Now, what many may not understand is that humans aren't the only ones with free will. God gave free will to all of his.creations, angels and humans alike. But the lord is understanding, and just. So he granted me the blessing to be born into human form. There are so many people who need healing on this earth, and it is my goal to heal the world. It can and has to be done. I once watched a young woman cry over the loss of her husband, whom was a soldier. And as i watched her weep, i mourned for her in a deep, soul quaking way. This life is so beautiful. Everything is Wonderous and magnificent. The feelings i have as a human are beautiful. To be able to taste, to smell, to feel and be felt, to feel love and pain, to feel the rain upon my face, and the beloved sun warm upon my skin. How can any human not love this beautiful gift we've been given? And when i think, i miss my king, i remember he is always with me, step by step. And i know in my heart that he understood my hearts desire to.become human. All he wants for any of his creations is happiness. His love is unconditional, and.eternal. And through his love, here i stand. |
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I would.
I would bring down the sun, to shine upon your face.
I would pull down the moon and stars to light your way.
I would love you in the rain, past all your scars and pain.
I would.
I would move a mountain, and travel a thousand miles,
If only it meant you would smile.
I would do anything i could.
If only for your happiness..
I would. |
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Tuck me in
Turn out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that.
You brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when i looked back.
You had to do it all alone
Make a live and make a home
Must of been as hard as it could be.
And when i couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me...
Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be, can't go far but you can always dream.. wish you may, and wish you might, don't you worry,.hold on tight,
I promise you there will come a day..
Butterfly fly away.. |
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I miss you Dad. My heart feels so heavy right now. It feels broken. I feel like i could cry my eyes out, but i stifle the tears, because they do me no good to shed them. They don't bring you back, and they don't bring me peace.
I can't believe you left me here, wandering, broken, alone, without you. You've forced me to face the evil in this world on my own, and often i wonder, can i do that? Can i really make it without you? I fear that i can't.
I miss you. The way you held me. The way you kissed me. The way you patted my back when you hugged me. And that sweet heavenly smell of your cologne. I miss caressing the back of your head when i held you.
I miss the way you always told me how beautiful i am, and how much you love me.
And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for ever making you worry about me. I'm sorry for any frustration i caused you. I'm sorry for not spending every single waking moment, and using every breath, to tell you that i love you, and that you are the best Daddy a little girl could ever have, and i am so proud of you, and proud to say that you are my Daddy.
I wish you were here to wipe away the tears that are falling. I wish i could touch you, feel you, see you and smell you.
But until we meet again, I'll see you in my dreams. My Daddy. My love. |
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Oh Daddy, i dearly miss the way your mustache would tickle my face.
Thank you for showing me undying, unquestioning, unconditional Love.
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The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reasons why you brought me here.
But just because you love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.
No I'm not who I was when I took the first step
And I'm clinging to the promise Your'e not through with me yet.
So I'll follow these trials that bring me closer to You
And I will walk through the fire if you want me to.
And it may not be the way I would've chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone.
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that your love put you through
And I will walk through the darkness if you want me to. |
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We have an epidemic upon our hands,
and no one seems to understand.
Our youth is dying before our very eyes,
leaving us like thieves in the night.
Did they feel they didn't matter,
were their spirits completely shattered?
Ending it all while they're just kids,
their candles blown out while their legends never did.
Did they seek help that was not there,
or did they feel that no one cared?
Did they reach out for hands that didn't reach for theirs,
did the feel broken and scared?
There are so many reasons I can envision,
that would lead them to that horrible decision.
Did the road seem to long to travel,
was it paved with fire and rocky gravel?
Were they being tormented at school,
did the dirty names become too cruel?
Could they hear their parents fighting through the walls,
did they feel the arguments were all their fault?
Was a secret revealed that should have stayed hidden,
or did they partake in an act that was morally forbidden?
Young lives slipping through our very hands,
disappearing into the wind like grains of golden sand.
Young, broken, and taken from us far too soon,
like Red Roses picked before having a chance to bloom.
I write this in the memory of Todd, Max, Sarah, Tyler, and all of the other beautiful young lives
that have taken themselves from us.
Some Angels weren't meant to be grounded. |
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Some days are easy.
Today is not one of those days. |
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" He's the only man that i know, who tells the Universe Goodnight. "
Little things like this, that make me love him so much. |
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I'll always remember the peace i felt when i laid in your lap, and the way you make me smile and laugh.
My face pressed into your shirt breathing in your cologne, the smell burned into my memory so strong.
The color of your eyes when they looked into mine, i could have gazed into them for a lifetime.
Cradled in your arms i felt so safe and secure, our incestuous love burning so pure.
Occasional kisses laid upon my face, touched my heart in that secret place.
The way you caressed me caused me to melt, so hard to explain just how i felt.
Momentary glances of your face, i found heaven in your embrace.
As long as i have you I'll always be happy, you're my heart, my sweet Daddy.
You make my world complete and now I'm not alone, for in your heart is where i call...home. |
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Here i am lord, I'm drowning, in your sea of forgetfulness.
The sins of my past surround me, and i crave peace and rest.
I don't want to end up where you found me, and it echoes in my mind, it keeps me awake at night.
Can you show me just how far the east is from the west? Because i can't bear for thing I've been to rise up in me again. In the arms of your mercy I've found rest.
And i know just how far the east is to the west,
From one scarred hand to the other. |
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I'm really growing up, i think. Everyday, it seems like I'm learning something new about myself, and other people. This saddens me in a way, because i have always seen the world with child like eyes. I used to believe that no one had intentions to hurt me, why would they? I believed that everyone was good, deep down. And i thought that if someone portrayed themselves to be a certain way, then that must be how they truly are. - But now at 22 years old, i know these things to be false. Maybe I've purposely kept myself in denial of how things really are, in order to protect myself emotionally from the ugliness in the world. I know now that not everyone is good. Not everyone has good intentions. There are people who would just hurt me because they can. I'll never understand why. And i also know that everyone is not the way they seem. Nothing in life comes easy, but maybe God makes us work for our hearts desires so that when we obtain it, we will realize how special and precious it really is. I don't know if I'm on the right road, but i have faith that God knows. In my past, I've been treated badly, I've had my heart broken, told i was worthless. I've lost my Dad, who was my love,.and my very best friend. So, I'm going to hold tight to my bible, and as my tears hit the pages, ill remember god has a reason for letting them fall. |
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Morning and Nights are the most painful times for me. It's when I crave little time the most. I need him here to hold me in his arms, as i lay my head on his chest, feeling his warmth causes me to slowly melt into him. As i lay there and i drift off to dream, listening to the sound that every Little calls her heaven .., the beat of Daddy's heart. |
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| Age: 23 |
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South Carolina |
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