I know darling, you have been so good, locked in that awful thing can't be pleasant. especially with the spikes I had to add to remind you of your place. I'm sorry but it was for your own good, and besides looking at you like this makes me so wet, just knowing you can only think of me all day whilst locked up makes me so hot. It's just a shame that you can't satisfy me like you used to. I know you have become very proficient with your tongue and you have worked so hard to earn your monthly release this time. But I've really enjoyed cumming every day for the last month and I'm worried that if you have some release you won't be quite as attentive. I'd like to know what you think?

Here's the deal, I let you out for 5 minutes you go in the corner and fill up this shot glass. No honey I don’t want to see you do it its revolting. Come back here and I will lock up back up. But here's the thing I'm only going to let you do this if you promise to make me cum twice daily for the next two months and then I will see about letting you out again. Oh and of course you must drink the shot glass too.

I know you will do it, for me darling of course you will. Besides who would have you with your cock all locked in that thing for the rest of? Ever?

You know I'm so proud of you, what you have become.

Now go fetch that glass

First night after her time of the month tonight

i plan on giving her 3 orgasms, if im lucky i might get to screw her too. she has said she feels like it, we'll see how she feels after 3 orgasms, she might have had enough, my balls are pretty blue though, heres hoping.

and no ive still not cum pleasurable by my own hand this side of the new year. didnt think i would make it 4 months, heres to the next four.

Ive managed to create a basic chastity device which ive started to wear in the evenings, im hoping to make it a llitle better so i can wear it all day, and i just have to get the guts to try wearing it at night next. My Wife doesnt know about it.

About my Wife, ive been trying to please her every night, but obviously its not always possible so im looking for ways to motivate myself into doing it.

I want to find something that i have to do the next night if i dont make her cum the previous night, something painful but that will not leave marks or anything.

im currently sat with my chastity belt on and pegs on nipples which i still find really painful even though ive been trying to ge used to them, build up my tolerance.

So anyone with any ideas please do get in touch.

Feeling good about my progress still.

4 months and no masturbation to completion, no extended porn sessions on the internet that is the main thing im pleased about, i was wasting far too much time on that last year. and im going down on my wife every other day now. still working on getting her to crave the multiple orgasms, she claims she is too sensitive afterwards, i must persevere.

I must say the best thing to stop me looking at porn is the pegs and nipples thing, i can only last an hour, still before my toes really begin to curl, and ive had the discipline to only look at porn or sites like this with pegs on so it really limits my time online. thought id share that.

i had a good chat with my Wife last night about how we will celebrate the end of Her ladies time (once a month).

when i get home from work im going to go down on Her, take my time and make Her cum. then i cook a nice dinner for Her and afterwards as She drinks a nice glass of wine and has some dark chocolate im going to do it again, in the big arm chair in the lounge. then again in bed before we go to sleep. i made it clear that its all about Her, she need not do anything in return.

i cant stress this enough to Her as she always feels guilty but i think she is more and more accepting it, She now doesnt try and do anything in return. one question i couldn't answer though was why? why do i want to do this so much? it was a hard one to answer in a vanilla way, i just said i enjoy it as much as She does, but She doesn't really believe it i don't think.

suggestions?

i had a very odd experiance a few nights ago. like ive said in my journal ive not been cumming on my own at all this year, restraining myself. anyway when ive been on the internet ive been tying my cock up so i cant pleaure myself when i shouldnt. this time i tied 2 rubber bands around the end of my forskin whilst i was soft, gathering as much as i could round the end so that when i did get hard i had nowhere to grow into, effectivly a foreskin chastity device. i also but bands around my balls and cock trapping blood and getting myself hard inside my limited room in my cock, an odd feeling.

Then smacking my cock to try and chastise myself, making my balls ache i found it turning me on more and more, i was not stimulating my cock at all now just smacking my balls with my hand, untill i thought i would cum, and i did, it was a pathetic cum, not very sensational, very much ruined by the lack of touching and the aching balls but i did cum, very odd feeling. all i did was think about being used, about being given the pleasure of giving pleasure whilst getting my balls slapped for encouragement im a big advocate of the 68, only she cums, but would take it further, only she cums whilst he endures.

why does that turn me on? ive never had it in person, would the reality live up to fantasy?

its mid way through March and im still doing well.

In all this time ive not given myself a good satisfying orgasm. i edge and hold it, sometimes i squirt but stop touching and squeeze my muscles leading to a ruined orgasm.

Im rarely on the net looking at porn now, maybe once every 2 weeks, which is good, i had a proper addiction, think i still do. But now im only allowed to be on the web like this if im naked, kneeling at my machine, nipples clamped (i can only last for 1 hour like this) 

i go down on my wife a lot more ofter than we have sex, but i know she loves that, and i dont think she has been down on me this year, maybe once, and i love it when she does but i dont give her opportunity, i always go down first, she doesnt realy like it anyway.

after her period we have ive instigated a 2 day cunnilingus routine where i go down on her and make her cum 4-5 times over the two days, its like a celebration, she doesnt too much but does say she thinks it unfair, she is too fair to me. and she now lets me cum on her leg as i eat her out, humping her leg as i do it, sometimes i get a good orgasm ofter just a bit of release.

so all in all ive had a good 2.5 months, must keep up the good work.

What ive started to do whilst practicing ruining my orgasms is that if i accidentally cum (ruined of course) i do so on the floor and have to lick it up, im now quite immune to the taste of my own cum, but when its cold like that i do gag a little.

Quite pleased with januarys progress

not once have i had a good cum on my own, ive not been doing much masterbation and when i do im always nipple clamped, cock and balls tied tight and ive always stopped before cumming. a few times ive managed to milk myself 2 or 3 times.

only once i think i miscalculated but i did ruin that one by letting go and smacking my balls and squeezing them tight, funny how you can cum but not have any pleasure.

Ive not been increasing my pain threshold much though, i can only manage 60 minutes of nipple clamping before my toes are curling too much and i have to stop.

i have to admit though ive not gone down on mistress as much as i should, but i did manage to a few times where i didnt cum, and once i even managed a ruined orgasm whilst down there.

i had my cock in a tight rubberband in my shorts, and as i licked and kissed her i humped her leg, but it was really uncomfortable because of the band. then as she came i tipped myself over the edge and bashed my tightly tied swollen balls against her leg, ouch and then held still as i came in my pants rather painfully. she had a good ride under my face though.

new years resolutions

1. Never cum on my own, the only time i cum is after mistress, or maybe as she cums (i.e. no cumming due to masturbation, ive been slack on this of late)

2. daily training

2a. increase pain threshold by clamping nipples, and when possible self cbt

2b. edging and practicing control, giving myself ruined orgasms and self milking, im getting better at this and can make myself cum without orgasm, very frustrating but i can milk everything and still not cum.

I tried so hard

bet failed to hold it in.

last night i went down on my wife in bed, for a long long time, teasing her, licking her, keeping her on the edge, she so so loves it, she knows that she just has to pull my face into her if/when she wants to cum but last night she gave me the honor of fucking her. so lucky.

i knew she would cum quickly and fought to hold my own in but failed, pleasure like that is too much to be denied.

I wonder if ive just been used again.

I was so so looking forward to getting in touch with mistresssarahx, Mistress_Sarahx, Sarah Louise, but after a very short skype, one way of course, she has blocked me on here and im guessing i would hear back from my messages on skype :-( sad times.

I was really nervous contacting her, its the first time id ever been face to face (well face to blank screen) guess i should have known.

after searching the internets ive found this http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.?t=128398 and this http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.?t=120627

both filled with broken dreams.

im not he first and im guessing im not the last?

Mistress if you read this im honored you have looked back, please give me a second chance.

Your slave

EDIT: but i can confirm she has a most excellent tumblr account http://mistresssarahx.tumblr.com/ which along with http://onlyshecums.tumblr.com/ turn me on so much, both really hot images

anyway

i guess i have been asking to be used!!

I thought i should document my sexual activities a bit better than i have so i will keep updating this post as the time passes.

02/09/2013 23:45 In bed went down for quite a while i would have made her cum with out pleasuring myself but she made me screw her missionary style

03/09/2013 07:30 kneeling, naked, masterbated for 10 minutes then runined my own orgasm by getting to the edge, as far as i can without cumming then stopping and letting precum ozze out, i had to squeze my muscles in my groin to stop myself cumming. i did this twice.

04/09/2013 23:55 Pegs on nipples, balls tied together. I put the pegs on facing up and then had my tea-shirt drape over them twisting them fiercely, wow that made them hurt for over 24 hours, the following night i could still feel them. After 10 minutes of that i went and pleasured my wife, went down and could feel my aching nipples and balls as i did it.

05/09/2013 07:00 again gave myself some nipple torture this morning whilst edging, most frustrating and painful, the soreness in my nipples was with me all day a constant reminder of my place. i did not cum by the way, that is not for me to decide, not with out ruining it anyway.

08/09/2013 22:00 In bed went down on my wife for 20 minutes and she let me hump her leg as i did it, we both came together her pulling my face into her

10/09/2013 07:15 I woke her up by tickling all over her silky soft legs, then as she was waking up went down on her for almost 30 minutes, she then pulled me up her body and made me fuck her, i came in like 10 seconds, it was good, so so good.

12/9/2013 20:00 From now on if i want to look at porn of any kind, even just being on this site im going to do so with pegs on my nipples and and my cock and balls tied. ouch my nipples are really stinging now, its a great reminder that i shouldnt do this too much or for too long... plus it will help to build my pain threshold up a bit.

15/9/2013 21:00 naked with nipples clamped painfully, cock and balls tied tight. i attached a rope fom my balls (going rapidly blue) rope through my legs and up my back, pulling my balls tight. i passed the rope over my sholder and attached to string on my nipples effectivle joined my balls to my nipples, pulling both painfully with every move. only then on my knees did i watch a humiliatrix video or two and have a very painfull ruined orgasm, puling the pegs off as i came. ouch, my nipples were throbbing for a day after that.

24/9/2013 07:00 very very lucky to get a blow job this morning, very lucky, she is very good, and i know i shouldnt wish for more but i do wish she could deep throat.

27/9/2013 21:30 can a ruined orgasm be good? i think tonights was. nipples getting more tolerant to pegs i also tighed string round the ends in a little noose that i pulled tight, joining the 2 pegs together with string. i pulled these off painfully just before i came. but tonight i litterally beat the cum from my balls, i didnt smack them all that hard but you do it for 2 minutes and its painful. a strange feeling as i came by beating my balls, but very much ruined.

Learning to Throat.

Ive been having fantasies about a dominant woman using my mouth and throat. I dont have bi sexual fantasies and dont want to do it really, i never have, but recently ive been getting turned on by the thought of being throat trained. to have a dildo gag strapped to my mouth, a double ended one so that one end goes into my throat and the other end out for my mistress to enjoy. what ever length she wants in her i have to have in me.

anyway ive never tried it so thought id better start to learn. i got a banana the same size as me around 7-8 inch long, similar girth and curve, 3 extra thick condoms. rolled one over the banana and practiced.

i gagged a lot but persevered, getting deeper and longer, after 20 minutes or so i got the whole length in my throat for 5 seconds, counting it out felt like an age, and i couldnt breath at the same time. i was sick in my mouth a few times but it got easier.

I think i could do this with some proper training, and motivation, like pleasing my Mistress. i think now my fantasies are even stronger in this regard, the thought of my face being ridden whilst i suffer under mistress, in my throat, my nipples painfully clampped, my balls tied and slapped, my ass and thighs whipped, all making Mistress wetter and finally cumming as i suffer for her.

The things dreams are made of. wet dreams anyway :-)

Well my last post was quite some time ago now, but, and i am being honest ive not cum for my own pleasure since then.

I have masterbated maybe 4-5 times since, i should try and document each time but i have ruined each one. 

Every time ive been naked, on my knees, pegs on my nipples, ive started to use stronger ones now, wow that smarts, and they are painfull to touch into the next day. 

So how have i 'ruined' my orgasms? well ive been putting strong pegs on my nipples attached to rope to the desk, 5 seconds before cumming im ripping the pegs off my nipples. it really hurts when you take them off like that. also ive been hanging 2 pints of water from my balls as ive been getting close to cumming, again rather painfull throbbing. ive also been trying dropping heavy things dangling from my balls as i cum giving a painfull yank on my balls just before i cum. ive also been slapping my cock and balls, but im finding that hard to do as i cant give myself pain like that, i keep pulling out of the slap.

Also as i cum ive been letting go of my cock, that is frustrating and added to the pain makes for a, well yes frustrating experiance.

I feel like im making progress, im my ability to withstand pain but know there would be a long way to go if i was to ever serve. i need a strict mistress to dish it out i think, to test me, to see if i could actually serve? im still not sure i could but would like to find out my limits.

Any thoughts on further punishments/ ways to ruin my orgasms would be welcome.

And yes im still addicted to the cbt pov instruction videos.

Brittany - Pain and Pleasure for Masturbation Addicts

She was very mean to me.

http://www.www.planetsuzy.org/t623930-p6-cbthread-cock-amp-ball-torture-instructions.html

the bruises did go in a couple of days

now im waiting for the wife to go out again, is there something wrong with this?

24 hours on since i did my last ruined orgasm, but this time it really was ruined. ive been thinking more and more about how slaves are here for their owners pleasure and how a slave should not be permitted pleasure unless it really pleases his Mistress.
To this end ive been watching a few videos on the subject. Strict (some may say evil) Ladies who claim that they can only get off when torturing a slave. That inflilcting pain makes them wet. anyway in this insturctional video she had me with pegs on my nipples (its been a while since i did this, im such a bitch,slut, it hurt, a lot, but not enough) then naken on my knees i stroked my cock. She was fully clothed, and as i stroked she had me squeeze my balls, then flick the end hard, then smack it, then harder, all the time stroking between the smacks. then smacking my balls. it would be like 20 strokes and then some smacks, i kept getting to the edge before more ball smacks. i was doing it quite hard but im sure i could have done it a bit harder if she really was there, my nuts really ached.
she gave me a cum count down (as most do) but then as she got to 1 it was remove the pegs (oh my god that hurt, a lot) then 0 cum and smack my balls, hard, i think i did it a little too hard, well im sure she would not think i did it too hard but it hurt, i tried to keep stroking at the same time which was hard, but i can say 100% it was ruined, i came alot but beleive me no pleasure, all i could feel was the pain in my nipples and the aching in my balls. maybe i should try and do this again but harder?
So this is 24 hours later and ive got brusing on my foreskin, lots of little red dots on it. my nipples were sore this morning but ok now.
i hope my wife doesnt notice! i might go lighter on the flicking and smacking next time?
Thoughts?

Its been a while since i wrote, mainly because i think my Femdom dream is dying. i've had a couple of failed attempts to get my wife to be more dominant and to put myself in the position as her slave.
One of the main problems is that she wont/dosent want to be the one to initiate sex, oral or anything else. i have to do that.
Then when i do she wont tell me what she wants, its hard, i do my best to guess what she wants and even if i do say so myself im very good at going down so that usually goes down well :-) so to speak.
i tell her, always tell her that i will do it whenever she fancies it, that i will never say no not today, but still its always me that has to instigate it.
With that in mind though she loves it when i go down on her and ive been getting really excited whilst down there, so much so that all she has to do is rub her shin or knee on my bits to make me cum. occasionally she will pull me up and have me fuck her but more often than not i cum whilst im down there. and she has started to rub herself on my face harder than she used to, which is good :-)

So like i said i think the fantasy of helping my wife to be a femdom is going to stay that, a fantasy. ive been tring for a while and we have sort of talked about it, well around it. a couple of times ive asked her to tell me when i can cum 'so we cum together' but afterwards she has said it made her self concious and arkward.

So this has ment ive been looking at more porn in the interwebs of late, i know its an addiction, not good for me, waste of time, but i cant help it, like this site. i get some contact now and then but nothing too meaningful. i keep trying, sometimes i get some good communication, always nice but is that the lot of a slave? too many around? two a penny compared with a beautiful Mistress.

Ive been having some very vivid dreams of late.

Always involving a strong dominant leather clad Lady, evil looking whip in hand, with boots to die for and very tight clothing.

She has me naked, kneeling before her and she is telling me how she really loves to punish slaves, how much she cums when she is inflicting pain and that its a slaves purpose to give his Mistress pleasure.

Ive never been whipped so i dont know how i would take it, but for her i knew i would have to, i wanted to please her badly. She didnt do it too hard but it hurt like hell, even in the dream it was painful, but at the same time it turned me on. she left red marks all over my back, ass and upper legs, all the time her breathing was getting heavier, and i knew she was getting off on doing it. Its then i noticed she had put a strap on on, not a massive one, in fact about the same size as me at my best, which is reasonable length and girth. She informed me that the other end of the starpon was inside her as deep as this and needed to fuck something to cum, looking at me with a stern face.

No please Mistress i begged, im still a virgin (my ass is still a virgin ass). Right then she said, tied my balls tightly with rope, arms also tight behind my back. the rope was passed under me and up my back over my shoulder. If you dont want me to break your ass in you had better deep throat me then bitch.

she pulled the rope hard my balls felt like on fire and she commanded me to open up. Ive never even sucked a dildo never mind throated one, but she pushed, i gagged hard and pulled away which was met with a harsh pull on the rope and an electric shock, she had also placed electrodes on my balls. her hands on the back of my head she pushed hard, i fought the gag reflex she was strong and pushed the length into my throat, fucking me she electrocuted me and pulled the rope, i knew she was cumming and then i did too, waking up to a rather wet mess in my shorts.

vivid dream, i hope i have another...

Same again :-)

and this time afterwards when she had recovered and said how good i am with my tongue, i do take pride in the stamina of my little tongue, she said you are making me a very lazy lover. yes i thought, yes i am.

i pleasure you for 20-30 minutes, and as you cum i ask you if its ok to cum against your leg. you only have to say yes and know that you dont have to do anything.

but i cant do it like this again.

i need to move up a level, i need to get her to actually realise that she is dominant, its a strange thing. is this what they call topping from the bottom? im not sure it is, im defiantly putting her first, as much as id like her to she doesnt even have to dress up for me. i so wish she would.

maybe a night off will give me time to think about my next move.

maybe i'll just go down and not cum or ask to cum, just make sure she is satisfied, the problem with that is i know she is very fair and will insist that she repay the favor, and how do i stop that from happening? esp as she will notice my massive hard on from her grinding herself into my face for 20 minutes.

questions.

Last night went very well

ive been in touch with a few genuine Mistresses and ive got some valuable advise from them. Thank You, im so not worthy.

For a start i was told to stop messing about and make it happen, which is easier said than done, my wife is very vanilla, so against porn and fetishes and the like so i have to be carefull.

After wearing tight boxershorts all night i gave her an all over body moisturiser session, which she enjoyed and kept saying but i should do you, id just reply that no no i don't need it, besides im your sex slave, with a little wink, like its a joke. little does she know.

oh and a few nights ago i told her of a dream i had where i was her sex slave (sowing more seeds), and i was wearing tight undies and i was doing house work whilst she was relaxing drinking wine on the sofa, and that i kept coming in and giving head, foot massages. and later in the dream i kissed her all over and went down on her for a long time.

ive always said how much i enjoy going down on her, which is true, and recently ive been cumming whilst down there.

Well this time after massaging her all over i kissed down her body to her toes and up the insides of her legs and around her mound, before going down on her properly. this time as she was cumming i said can i cum on your leg please? she said yes yes of course and as i humped her leg she came, loud, more than usual, grabbing my head, not as vigorously as i want her to but more than usual, i think that bit of power got to her a bit.

after she asked why i had asked and i said i dont know seamed like the right thing to do, she said what if she had said no, would i be able to stop myself, and i said probably, i wonder what will happen next time. maybe tonight :-)

Im quite pleased with my performance this weekend.

Ive made my vanilla Mistress cum saturday and sunday mornings with my tongue. A total of over an hour of work. on one of the occasions i came on her shin whilst down there, every time i go down i get so hot. i just couldnt help myself.

I think she is slowly realizing im her slave, she did thank me for being so considerate as to cum so she didnt have to do anything about it her self.

im still working on how i can eat my own cum with her knowing im doing it, i do it on my own but ive never with her around. next time i should try and do it if i cum on her again.

will let you know.

Still exploring but ive come to the opinion that ruined orgasms are not so good at maintaining your slaves desire. ive found that after a ruined orgasm my body feels the same as after a full proper orgasm. true i didnt get proper release, its so frustrating, in short its bad. But ive found that after ive milked myself i dont have the same sexual desire as i did before, so i guess it depends on the desired outcome, if you want to maintain your slaves sexual appetite, keep him pent up and make him desire you even more you should just tease, make him edge but not cum, not even ruined orgasm or milking.

Im still investigating my body and how it responds, but ive not cum now for a week, ive just been edging, and last night i was hard almost all night, i awoke a few times and each time i did i was hard. i dont think this would be the case if id been milking myself like i have tried.

But if you want to teach a slave a lesson, milk him, ruin his orgasms, its bad, you so so want to cum so bad, its difficult to stop yourself and have that feelingless cum where cum just oozes out, bad times.

Wow, just wanted to say i didnt actually think it was true, but tonight i had my first truly ruined orgasm self milking. i came a lot and felt nothing, no orgasm at all. somehow im pleased?

i edged for quite a while and then got really close, i let go and tried to stop myself but could not then without touching myself again i came 5 seconds later, well i say came, but i felt nothing, i dribbled out quite a lot of milk. im keen to investigate further, im finding out new things of my body for the first time in quite a while.

Every morning, every evening, im naked, on my knees, hard, eyes shut looking at you.

You tower over me demanding worship, i fantasise about kneeling before you, worshipping your perfect legs, your beautiful feet, your shoes, the ground you walk on.

I bring myself close to the edge but dont cum, im training myself to enjoy the edge more than then release, its hard, each time i still long for the release but deny myself.

Ive been doing this for weeks, maybe a month now, i have slipped up 3 times so far, each time i have done my best to ruin my orgasm, as im edging and feeling it cum i stop touching but sometimes its too much and the twitching of my cock sends me over the edge so i grab my cock head hard and squeeze, i also grab my balls and the base of my cock again hard and hold everything still i can fell the spasms inside my cock but the orgasm doesn't come, i dont 'feel' it.

Its difficult but i want to learn how to better control myself, i want to learn to love the feeling of restraint more than the release. i know thats what you would want. my suffering is your pleasure Mistress, let me learn how to please you.

When ever im on my knees, naked and hard like this, i know its pathetic, but its also so exciting, i shake with excitement, i dont know what to do. how bad i want to serve, how bad i want to serve, to kiss my beautiful mistresses boots, shoes, heels.

actually a few days ago i was in bed thinking of my little fantasies, but i could not cum, i had to get naked even though it was cold, get out, get naked, and on my knees on the hard floor i came really quick, i cant even cum with out being on my knees thinking about being abused.

Trembling, thinking of you, my fantasy Mistress.

I try and i try but i cant stop myself from visiting this site and fantasising what may be, one day, maybe.

Ive actually manage not to come here for a month but i couldn't resist, i have been thinking about serving again, i think about my new year resolutions, im doing well on one but the others not so.

The one im most disappointed with was the one of meeting 3 mistresses in person this year, ive made zero progress on this one, i met one very nice lady last year but nothing at al this year, ive not really made an effort.

but i thought that if i could stay away the urges would leave me... i guess its harder to change yourself than you really think.

for the first time im actually ashamed of myself, for the first time i actually felt worthless, low. Its bad and im not sure i should share it but i feel i have to.

i downloaded a point of view video of a very beautiful attractive woman who instructed me to strip off and masterbate for her, to follow her instructions and dont come until or unless she allowed it. ive folled these before im ashamed to say. once i was naked and hard and on my knees she had me on my back against a wall, legs in the air my cock pointed at my face as i wanked, i imagine you can imagine the rest.

anyway as i came into my own mouth, which in itself is not bad, ive been eating my cum for a long time now, i was instructed to learn to love the taste a while ago, a slave must be able to clean up their mess i was told. No it wasnt the taste, it was the act, the manner i did it, after it was all over i felt wrong, i actually felt ashamed of myself, i think its the first time its happened to me. She was hot really really hot but maybe i went too far?

but then in a month or two i bet i will do something again. is it bad?

p.s

sorry for the language and the image, i realise its not right.

It happened again

I was servicing my Goddess and as she came, as she clamped her legs around my head hard i came, i didn't even touch myself, they say the most powerful sexual organ is your mind, i dont doubt it.

So here i am again, this is actually the first time this year that ive knelt at my laptop, naked, pegs on nipples, hard as anything, ive not cum since that time i was servicing my wife, i hardly had to do anything and i almost came.

Im trying to think of ways to increase my pain tolerance and my stamina, ive an hour to last, we'll see.

EDIT

Its been an hour on my knees and with the pegs on, oh my god it stings, the pegs especially so, and my knees are so sore, im glad i only aimed at one hour, im out of practice. ouch.

I've been made aware that my recent journal entries make my views of service seem very sexual. I agree that it looks that way but really its not quite the case. Serving my wife in our vanilla relationship involves sexual service, its a sexual relationship. Serving a real life Mistress is not, I could only dream of such plrasures with Mistress and realise I would never be permitted to have sex with her. Service for mistress and wife are two related but very different things.

Having said that ive good a massive fantasy about being used to service my Mistress as she sits on a chair, or lays in bed, to be used as a sex slave like this is one of my main fantasies, but i know this will probably remain a fantasy for a long time to come.

First Time

Im excited to report that this morning i made it 3 and i really think she is starting to enjoy it, a lot, i hope that im showing her that i really am here to serve her sexually, its for her pleasure and its my job to provide that pleasure.

As for the first time, well, i always get excited when im down there, i take pride in how i do it, i warm her up and dont dive straight in, i'll kiss her legs, tickle her inner thighs, massage her calves. before flicking my tongue around her sex.

Anyway i was getting really turned on, like i said i always do but this time i could feel myself getting closer and closer to the edge. i tried really really hard but i couldn't stop myself and i came all over the sheets whilst she was cumming hard, legs clamped around my head, really humping my face, god it was so good.

Is it bad that i take so much pleasure in giving pleasure like this? i was ashamed in a way, but i did tell her, i sort of had to, i framed it in a way that made her realize that i really do enjoy being down there, it is only a vanilla relationship so didnt put a slave/dom spin on it but i wanted to get over the fact that i think its what she deserves, its my job to please her, its my duty to her, but also that i really like doing it, before today i dont think she really believed i enjoy it as much as ive always said i do. but the wet proof was there to see.

New years resolutions

First entry of 2012, its been late coming. ive been thinking about new years resolutions and have come up with a few. Basically i want to be a real slave, to a real Mistress and have been trying to do some training on my own to sort of practice but i think maybe i should live it a bit more so, resolutions:

1. Give more than receive

2. Give with no expectation of praise or reward, its just my duty

3, Be clean, smart and presentable at all times as if i was going to be seeing Mistress any time soon.

4. Do my best to meet another couple of Dominant Ladies this year, its hard, ive met up with one and it was a pleasure, its just a shame it didnt lead anywhere, but this year i want to try and meet up with at least 2 more. at least, trick is how to find someone who wants to meet me.

5. Work on my training, i must increase my control and my ability to handle pain, i'll have to have a think on how to achieve these 2 goals

To illustrate point 1. this morning i first brought my wife breakfast in bed, i have done this every day this year so far and plan to keep that up. Then i went under the covers and kissed and stroked her legs and thighs, moving very slowly up until it was really obvious where i was going, actually she protested saying id only done it to her a few days ago and that she should do it to me, i told her it wasnt about taking turns and kept going, i then serviced my her orally, i do love doing that, love it when she clamps around my head forcing me in deeper.

Anyway ive given her head more times this year than she has me, im going to keep that up as well, i'll try and keep track on here. currently ive done it twice this year to her zero, i think she likes giving head though, and she does know how much i love it but im determined to make sure she has priority.

But more than just sex i should be doing more for her, in everything, buying her things, which i do already, massages, doing her chores as well as my own. its been hard work but its what would be required if i was serving Mistress properly.

Ive been on christmas holidays for a week or so now and will be away for a further 5 days yet so am having no time to devote to training of any description. But ive been wondering what would make me a more attractive slave to someone? i really dont know, maybe i need to have a look at my pain tolerances, see how i would react to moderate pain.

I really dont like it though, pain, i would only endure it if it was what my Mistress wanted, if it turned her on or if she found it amusing to her, i guess that there are many reasons she may want me in pain and thats for her to know, but i know i would not want it. anyway i was thinking of testing myself somehow, we'll see in future, when i have more time.

On a different note i think this year i have only ever cum whilst on my knees, im quite pleased, im very used to kneeling now, and to be honest cumming whilst on my knees is better, it feels better, and to be honest i feel like im in the right place, and of course i always eat it all every time. i remember the first time i did that, it was not good, not nice at all, but ive come to like it (well almost, it doesnt make me gag, unless its cold, now that is bad)

New Personal challange

Its difficult for me to know, to to try and guess what would make me more desirable for a Mistress to take me on, or if i was with a Dom what would She demand of me. But i do know my staying power and control is not at all adequate. To this end ive been practising kneeling, naked  and staying hard for an hour at a time, last time i was also testing my tolerance for pain too with pegs on my nipples, it hurt.

Tonight im doing something a little different, every half hour im kneeling on the hardest wooden floor i have for 5 minutes, starting soft im masturbating myself till im on the edge, well as on the edge asi can master, im having to be really careful as i cum so easily, but thats the point of this, to help me master my control a little.

So at 5:00 this evening i did 5 minutes, it only took me 2 minutes to Edge, then i slowly played with myself for the remaining 3, keeping myself on the edge.

I will update the stats below as i do them.

5:00  2 minutes

5:30  2:30 minutes

6:00  1:50 minutes

6:30  2:20 minutes

7:00  1:40 minutes

7:30  2:30 minutes

8:00  1:30 minutes

I almost cam that time, it was so so sensitive, it almost hurt?? Ive been thinking about how i would kneel before my beautiful Goddess, how i would serve her every request, lick her shoes, kiss her ass, take the bite of her whip, pleasure her.

8:30  1:20 minutes

Every single half hour i have been very prompt, ive not been late to a single session, And that has been hard, ive been setting an alarm to go off 1 minute before so i can stop what im doing and go to the bath room on time. Wow im getting sensitive now, and my knees are really sore, really painful now.

Maybe what this has taught me the most is that serving your Mistress is not easy, ive been doing chores, washing, cleaning, cooking whilst every time the alarm goes off i have to drop everything (including eating) rush up stairs, and get in position. its hard, but i think ive proved to myself i could manage the demands which could be placed on me.

And yes i have learned more control, i can better predict the edge, and i can force myself not to cum, some of these times ive just experienced would have resulted in cumming before, im defiantly getting a little better at holding it in. at 9:00 im going to go further, i imagine i wont be able to hold it back, im going to really try to but im going to go closer to the edge than i have ever managed to return from, we'll see what happens at 9.

9:00  60 seconds

very very sensitive and as expected, fail, but a pleasant failure. Just could not stop it, one day i may learn to master it? maybe.

Well i made it, one hour on my knees, naked with pegs on the nipples. ouch. Ive had the pegs off for 10 minutes now and my nipples are still sore, not as bad as when i had pegs on but still bad. And my knees, well they are well sore too.

I know im just not cut out to be a real slave yet, really im in need of training, One day i'll get better at this.

Last week i thought id test myself on a harder floor than im used to, im usually kneeling on hard carpet but i thought id better find out how long id lsst on s hard wooden floor. it was hard, as soon as i knelt i felt the pain and thought im done, i'll never last on this.

But i got my self hard and after a while the numbness took the place of the pain (to an extent) i lasted 15 minutes, which im quite pleased with, but man when i stood up the pain, ouch, sore knees yes.

On to tonight, im on my knees now, carpet this time, but not soft carpet. i started at 6:45 im naked as a slave should be, and this time ive attached 2 pegs to my nipples. ive never done that before and my god it stings, they have been on for 10 minutes now and its not getting any better. I was hard when i started but as soon as i did the pegs i felt it dropping, im having to masturbate as i type to stay hard, my nipples really do sting. i shall up date this as i finish, but i hope to last an hour, we'll see. its not present, but my cock thinks it is?? how can this be?

I lasted 1 hour 15 minutes, a new personal best

Man my knees are sore now though, its bad, i stood up and touched my knees, they were just numb, and had the pattern of the hard carpet imprinted in them. And yes i did stay hard for the duration, although at times it went a little soft and needed some encouragement to get back to properly hard.

But my cock is actually a bit sore, the head is sore from being used for over an hour, this is rare for me, an hour like this is very very rare, but my skin is a bit red. I must get used to this, get usd to being hard and being used without cumming for over an hour.

Its twenty past six, i have no chair, no clothes and am currently vary hard. In fact im on my knees before my laptop as i speak, and the plan is to be here hard, not getting soft, not edging for at least an hour.

Im trying to increase my ability to stay hard and get used to being in this state  so when/if i ever get a Mistress i will be better able to control myself.

Not only this but i want to get used to being on my knees for long periods of time so that i can do it with out getting sore knees which happens to me after about 30 minutes.

We'll see.

What dreams are made of

Last night i had the most vivid dream, so so horny this morning. Ive been talking to a very sexy, beautiful Dominant Lady of late, just on collarme but she is so so hot, i love chatting to her.

She wants to ride my face and for her to cum multiple times, what can i say, yes please :-) and last night after talking to her i had dreams, beautiful dreams.

I was naked, on my back laying on a hard bench. it was about 1/2 a meter off the floor and i was tied to it. arms tied down the legs of the bench, feet tied along the bench. Then she came it, i could just see her out of the corner of my eye, slim, beautiful, dressed in black high heeled, knee high black patent boots, black seamed stockings, little black skirt and a black and red bustier tight top, oh my how hard, instantly.

She walked over to me the heels clipping on the hard floor, took out some rope and tightly tied my balls, then passed the rope over a pulley in the celling and gave it a friendly pull. i promptly gasped a the feeling, does any one really like their balls abused like this?

Hitching her skirt up i saw she did not have panties on and as she stood straddling my face i could smell her sex, see how her moist lips demanded attention. She whipped my cock and pulled the rope "eat me" she demanded, i strained my head upwards pulling against my bonds, flicked out my tongue, i could only just reach her but man she tasted good. after 20 or 30 seconds i had to put my head back down the effort was so great at which point she whipped my balls a couple of times and pulled the rope tighter. The ache was bad i instantly got the message and strained upwards again.

It went on but the best bit was when she decided she had had enough of this tease and sat on my face riding me hard, This is the things dreams are made of.

Continued training

Im spending at least 10 minutes a day on just being hard, with the knowledge that im not going to let myself cum at the end, today for example i have done 15 minutes this morning and then an hour later another 15 minutes, its strange the things i think about but im getting more used to the feeling of being hard with out trying to get off. i hope this training will help me to control myself more, to get used to just being hard without he goal of release.

Another step forward

So i made it to one hour tonight, thats one hour being hard without edging, going soft, or cumming. really quite an achievement for me, but man my knees are sore, i have actually been naked on my knees for one hour, and i was hard for the duration too.

finally ive proved to myself i can do it, but honestly i must get used to kneeling, after 30 minutes i really really wanted to stand up but i was determined to make an hour.

Small successes

So after my total failure of 2-3 weeks ago or so i decided i needed to do some thing about it, my pathetic condition that is.

so last weekend i tested myself a little, with an easy goal, well should be, of 20 minutes, on my knees, naked, constantly hard stroking but not edging, just get used to being hard whilst naked on my knees, in fact i am right now as i type, stopping every 10 seconds or so for some stroking to keep my hard.

Anyway i spent 20 minutes masturbating, eyes shut, thinking about how i could serve, and how i would be put in a corner by Mistress and  to be told to stay hard until she decided otherwise, it was difficult and i didnt have to touch much at times, but i did it. And after 20 minutes, on the dot i came, wow, it was good.

I did this last night as well 20 minutes on my knees, shoulder width apart, feet also shoulder width apart, staying rock hard, eyes shut just thinking of being knelt before my Mistress, every now and then she would spank me, whip me, but i was being tested for my staying power, which i admit is rubbish right now, which is why im doing this.

Tonight is an extension of this, im naked right now as i type, have been for 10 minutes or so now, im hard, im stroking every now and then to stay hard, but im not edging, its too dangerous for me, chances are id just cum uncontrollably... it would not be the first time.

why am i doing this? its a bit sad isnt it?

Maybe, but if i was ever to be lucky enough to serve a real life Mistress i know in the state im in now regarding my control that i would be no use to anyone, i need some practice at just being hard, get used to staying hard with out release, this is how im starting to do that.

Total failure
A few days ago i had the house to myself and decided to test myself, i had heard of a few tease and denial websites which offered instruction on how to increase your stamina. I need this, i cum far far too easily, im embarrassed to say this but i cant even last 1 minute having sex sometimes, really, maybe its not been so bad for my wife as i am now a very accomplished cunnilingist, i have to be. I can spend 15-20-30 minutes down there, getting her really close to the edge before sex, that way if i do just pop then she does as well, in a way my prematureness has meant she gets more pleasure.

Anyway, i wanted to try and improve myself so i found this http://www.milovana.com/webteases/showtease.php?id=4057 looks good, the whole premiss is to stay hard for 1.5 hours without cumming and without edging, just staying hard, stroking, get used to being hard without the prospect of cumming, i fancied a challenge. It was good, i got comfortable on the bed, laptop, i was very hard, and stroked very slowly, carefully, but then the instructions (told by along with pictures of a very attractive model) was trying to get me to stroke at a specific speed, along to different videos, involving very attractive lesbians who i dream about serving every day, really good, too good for me, i was already stroking slowly, 15-20 minutes into the 1.5 hours i came. i couldn't help it, i was actually ashamed, i felt it coming, i stopped touching and for 20 seconds my cock bounced around with a mind of his own until the act of bouncing about actually made me cum, pathetic. All i could think was what a loser, cant even do this.

I really do need some tuition.
I read ahead with the rest of the instructions and there were many other videos to watch, and i was supposed to pump my cock at times, one time she was saying 200 fast hard strokes... as if, i would have cum after 20 or 30 if that. maybe i was too ambitious?
whatever i was a total failure that night, what a loser.

Ive been in touch a few different Ladies/Mistresses on collarme now. A couple ive really got on with, and one ive actually met, although only for coffee alas...

We really got on and i would really like to see her again, for a meal maybe or for more? who knows, but id really like to have a real session with someone sometime, its been my fantasy for a long time. The thing is would it be cheating? would it be like having an affair which i have never had, and if not, or if so, where would the line be? 

All my fantasies are about pleasing my mistress how ever she sees fit, from whipping my body and causing me pain, using/abusing my ass, smothering my face (i really love to have my face ridden really rough, that turns me on so much), giving massages and generally doing Mistresses bidding, but where is the line? Basically i just want to please my Mistress, to serve her, to increase her pleasure/amusement with life, thats a slaves job isnt it?

Yes ive been really lucky to meet Mistress for real, she was a pleasure to talk with, intelligent, beautiful, sexy, a great body, impeccable style, and a very sexy French accent, the time flew by. I wish we had had longer together, for it was only one coffee, but that coffee did last 3 hours.

ive had a couple of very brief conversations on there but nothing that has gone anywhere, but then i got the message every slave craves to get, first contact from a strict Mistress who wanted to get to know me and more importantly see if we were compatible, i read the message late one night and didnt have time to respond as i was in with my wife at the time but it really got to me, i didnt sleep a wink all night, i was so excited, it was like my dream was going to come true.

This is the message i got

Hello I may be interested in having you as My personal slave and partner. I have partially hidden my profile on here so it does not appear on searches. The reason being I am the one who does the looking for what suits me not the other way around. Visit my site http://goddess-veronika.com to learn more about Me and read the page entitled slave required If you feel you fit the criteria you may email Me slaveapply@goddess-veronika.com do not reply on here.

So i spent a long while writing a reply the next day, i couldn’t concentrate on work or anything, it consumed me. this is my reply.

> I am honored that u have chosen to get in touch with me Mistress, its
> a great honor to be given the opportunity to present myself to you,
> for you to give me the chance to apply as you humble, obedient slave.
>
> I read your invitation late last night and at home did not have the
> chance to mail you, and so ended up thinking about you and what the
> future may hold (if I’m lucky enough), needless to say i could not
> sleep. It was most likely an indication of the male condition that one
> simple message from a beautiful dominant lady such as yourself can
> cause so much turmoil in his head. i went to bed at 11 but I know it
> was at least 4:45 till I finally got to sleep, a very restless night,
> thank you Mistress.
>
> I can honestly and wholeheartedly answer yes to all your criteria.
> I am a submissive male who is genuinely looking for a Goddess to
> serve, the fact is i have been all my life.
> I am able to spend time serving you, even if only part time. It would
> be part time though as I am married in a long term relationship. But I
> am more than willing to make time and really hope to make it work. I
> see this as the biggest blocker, but.really hope something can be
> arranged.
> I am looking for a Mistress/slave relationship, it has been my main
> fantasy all my adult life.
> I am very polite, very well mannered and honest. I know my place and
> am very respectful, I believe I would make a good slave in this
> matter.
> I have never taken drugs, except social drinking. Am very clean and
> always well presented, in fact I pride myself on these two counts.
> And most importantly i am willing to be trained to serve and please
> you Mistress, to live by your rules, as these are the only rules of
> consequence to a slave.
>
> A little about myself, I’m in my 30’s, very active, consider myself
> very fit and healthy. professional, reasonably well paid job,
> comfortable anyway. Living in south west london, but willing and able
> to travel, within reason.
> I have very little slave experience, but I have served a Mistress
> online, by email only , about 10 years ago or so. Because of this I
> don’t really know my limits, i am willing to explore, but nothing
> perminantly marking. I would trust You Mistress to know how I could
> best learn to serve u better, to become a better slave for You.
>
> Finally I would be honored indeed to help you keep your vast shoe
> collection clean, however I can help in this task would be a honor and
> a pleasure.
>
> Your slave in waiting.
> x3stor
> P.s
> Please excuse the handle Mistess as I too need to be careful on the
> internet, both professionally and personally.

To my great excitement i got a message back

slave. Thank you for applying to be my personal slave/boyfriend. The advert is looking for a male with submissive tendancies when it comes to women, well when it comes to Me that is. Some of the replies I got were completely clueless and moronic so yours was a relief….. …. …. Don’t disappoint Me or let yourself down. I do not reply every day to emails so be patient also.
Goddess Veronika

The email really turned me on and got me excited again i think id spent the whole 2 days thinking about what could happen between us, so exciting, but the message was not quite right, i had given information she was asking for previously, so i googled her, and found that she/he/they were actually scammers really disappointing, especially as her online presence was so hot.

It really did show me how much of a slave i really wanted to be, that a single message like this could do such things to me.

I shall have to keep looking i guess.

Im not arrogant enough to expect anyone to read this let alone who i would like to be reading this, its more a journal for myself, to document what im thinking and on occasion doing.

I guess i had better introduce myself first
I go by the online name (handle if you like) x3stor, or slave x3stor to some. Im in my mid thirties, but fell like im still mid twenties, physically very fit, i do lots of sports and outdoor stuff, 5″10′, 11 stone (70 kgs). im quite social, i have plenty of non online friends, although in large groups i tend to be the quite one, but maybe that is just my circle of friends, they all tend to be quite out going, out spoken. Im a professional living and working in London, earn a good living good money doing what i do. And i have a beautiful wife, we have a really good relationship, are best friends, we have been together for quite a long time, she is fit sexy but very, very vanilla.

And that leads me to be writing this, as a bit of an outlet to that, i think i am addicted to porn, well, no, no think about it, i am addicted to porn, in particular BDSM, my main fantasies involve me submitting to a beautiful Goddess and her taking whatever pleasure from me she finds, from whipping and spanking, humiliating me, to my current favorite giving me masturbation instructions whilst humiliating me or tormenting me in other more physical ways.

To this end i seam to have fallen in love with the jack off videos, its pathetic i know, but for some reason inside me i cant help it, i sort of need them, ive tried to stop but i seam to fail, too weak i guess, just a weak pathetic want to be slave…