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subgrl66

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Friends:
MstrsSamanthaMasterGary66ShadeandSinHappyHousebitch

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a little about me: i am 49 years old and have been in the lifestyle for over 22 years. i am a mom of 5 children and 10 grandchildren. i love the outdoors and growing my own veggies. i love animals. i believe that a 24/7 relationship is more than playing kink 24 hours a day 7 days a week. we work, we shop, we deal with schools. all of this stuff is normal life and does not involve most of the lifestyle in it. but i also believe that there is always a undertone of the lifestyle in everything i do.
look deep within and you may see the soul that hides just from Thee. she quivers and shakes at the thought of You. her body responds whether or not she wants it to. You hold her soul in Your hands treasure that for it happens not often enough in life. -Put this in your profile if you know someone who has survived, struggles with or died of cancer...

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2/12/2015 10:30:47 PM
Well Tuesday 2/10/15 I had my very first accident. I hit a patch of ice spun around 3 times went off an embankment backwards then stood up on my trunk did a half turn and landed on all four tires. I got a few bumps and bruises but I am ok. The car on the other hand needs about 2000 dollars worth of work that I can not afford. I will be looking for a new car now dang it.

4/18/2013 1:09:12 AM

I am leaving today to go back to SD to visit family and friends then I will head to Ill. to see my youngest graduate from the Navel Academy. I am so proud of my children and all they keep accomplishing.  Daddy is supporting my travels and already missing me and I am missing Him already.


2/4/2013 8:51:41 AM

sits across the table from Master playing scrabble and chatting. knowing that at some point i am going to be told to go into the bedroom and strip and assume the position . i am so glad i made this move because every level of the relationship is evolving and turning out so right.


1/27/2013 2:34:38 AM

well almost 2 months in Missouri and i am happy. Daddy comes over twice a week and we spend time together. Friday He came over and we played and i have many bruises and deep tissue bruises that i can still feel smiles. We do not play every time He comes over because there is still a lot to learn about each other. He has been very very good to me and is taking great care of me. He makes sure i have what i need and He makes sure i take care of myself. I am a very lucky grl to have Him in my life.


11/12/2012 2:48:25 PM

today i got the call at 9 am it is really happening. i am moving to Liberty Mo to be closer to my Daddy. smiles brightly. i am a little scared but excited as well. i think this move will be good for me in many ways. first off let me say this i am getting my own place for now. i need to learn to stand on my own two feet before i can fully take care of my Daddy. it will be the first time i have lived alone and i am both looking forward to the space and quiet and fearing it. as a mom of 5 kids i have never truely had a day where there was not someone running in or out of my bedroom or the bathroom lol. i will have a bathroom to myself? OMG what a concept lol.


10/15/2012 8:35:10 PM

The difference between submissive and slave

by Tammara Shelly

 

We all know slavery is against the law. Yet so many put themselves into what is called slavery today. It is a willingness to give 100% of one's self, and give someone else all rights to anything to do with their lives. There are different levels of slavery and each person views it differently but the question is what is the difference between submissive and slave?

This will be coming from my view and my personal feelings. If you asked 10 different people the same question you will get 10 different answers. There are so many different views on the difference between the two. I can only honestly give my own view and as I'm not researching this it will be just my view. I have spent 24 years and the lifestyle and I've seen many different things and tried a few. I have been a submissive and I have been a slave to me the difference is simple. But I may give you a little bit of what I think of both before I give my opinion.

I will start with a submissive. I'm going to make bullet points on what I think submissive needs and is.

  1. A submissive is someone who wishes to be controlled
  2. she wants to know that she is cared for
  3. she wants know that she is love
  4. she wants know she is needed
  5. she wants to know that she belongs
  6. she needs to have someone she can go to and talk to about anything and know that she will not be judged, punished, shunned for her feelings or thoughts.

These are the six most important things to me as a submissive. There is much more than just these six things. I thrive to receive pain for pleasure, I desire to please the person I am with in every way possible, I need to be the one they look to for everything they need. When I am given the chance to serve, to please, to give myself to One person I am happiest. The desire inside of me to learn everything I can about someone so they never need to ask for anything is strong. I want to be able to anticipate their thirst, their hunger, their sexual desire. A good submissive can do this. There are many different types of submissive's I'm not going to cover them all. My type is as a service submissive. It is not about sex to me but about making the One I am with happy at all times. To do something wrong and hurt or anger them can break me down to a puddle of tears and a self beating that would make their beating look tame. Though I do have a strong sexual desire to please and play and I do crave pain as pleasure what keeps me in the lifestyle is the need to please.

A slave to me is all of the above plus a total level of trust that can only be gotten between two people who truly, deeply love. Being a slave is an amazing thing. It's a level of awareness of aweness the just is not reached very often. To give oneself totally, to trust someone explicitly is hard to do. To know that you will be pushed and pulled and tried on so many levels can be scary. To literally put your life in someone's hands and trust that they will never take it is amazing. That feeling of completeness is filling not many people ever get to reach. So many say their slaves but when it comes down to it the trust just isn't there. I have been there once in my life and I would willingly go back. To find this depth of connection again is unbelievable but if I could I would be the happiest woman in the world.

So basically to me trust and the level of it make a difference between a submissive in a slave. Because a good slave is a submissive to start with there are many things that are true to both. I strongly believe that so many claim their slaves and yet have not trust that is needed to be a slave. I also strongly believe that every relationship should start as Dominant/submissive. These two roles will involve and move into whatever it is that they desire. I see myself as a submissive, a baby girl, a wife/girlfriend, and then when it is right a slave. It is not hard for me to fall into this role if everything is right. If the One is true, honest, loving, caring, and takes care of me and makes me take care of myself than I know it is right and I move into the role of a slave. It is not a drastic change and does not keep me from speaking my mind or taking control of things that I need to. It just means He holds the power and I give them that power to control whatever He wants of me. That I trust that He will make sure I am safe in anything He requires of me. A good Dominant/Master will never take advantage or hurt what is theirs. They will cherish it, take care of it, and love it. It takes two to make a good slave, it takes two to make a good submissive but it takes a good submissive before one can truly be a slave.

Through the eyes of a submissive, we all share the same goals and that is to be happy. Be it Dominant or submissive/slave or just plain kinkster. It matters not what others think or say it only matters that we as a team are happy the way we are.


10/12/2012 9:34:46 AM

it started because i was having difficulty breathing and my chest hurt really bad. after being there an hour they finally gave me a breathing treatment and some dilodid for the pain. They took a bunch of blood did an ekg and hooked me up to a few monitors. They were worried that i may have a blood clot in my lungs and the blood test came back positive for a clot so they did xrays and a cat scan with contrast and this is where it got really scarry for me. i will list all the things they found starting with the good news of no clot in my lungs.
fluid in the sack around my heart
fluid in my lungs
a cyst or tumor in my lungs
a leasion or tumor on my liver
they gave me lasics for the fluid

the small tubes to my lungs are inflamed
they were going to admit me and keep me under close watch for the night and run more tests in the morning
THEN they found out i did not have insurance i quickly went from someone that needs to be watched to someone that could go home and see the free clinic the next day. None of the problems were discussed with me. No other treatments were given. just a bunch of paper work to leave the hospital and a reminder to call and make an appt the next day to see a dr.

my chest still hurt my breathing was getting labored again and now i was totally scared.

what a nice way to see what my health is worth in this wonderful state. if i were back in California i would have insurance and i would be treated like i mattered even if i did not.

 

went to the dr the next day and my heart is inlarged and with the fluid in the sack around it i am on bed rest and no excitement. we will deal with the other issues found after we figure out what is going on with my heart. i have an echocardiogram on monday and a follow up appt the following monday


9/10/2012 8:23:06 PM

today i took a step forward in my life. i handed myself over to someOne and put my trust in Him. We are going very slow and taking our time making sure things are right. We both have the same end goal and are hoping that we fit together. Yes i am scared but not so scared that i am willing to turn my back on the chance to be happy and belong to someOne.


8/21/2012 9:42:15 PM

The freedom that comes with letting go and trusting someone to take you somewhere you have never been. To explore things sexually, mentally, physically and know that your pain, pleasure, desires, and orgasms belong to Him to control and that makes you feel full and content and gives you more pleasure than you ever dreamed.

 

All these things are what submission is to me. to know i can hand over everything to Him and trust Him to do what is best for me no matter what i think. Knowing that doing as He tells me to will bring both Him and i pleasure.

 

It takes time to find that One and bond together. It does not happen over night. Along the way you may get hurt and abused some but never give up because there is someOne out there that will fulfill your dreams, hopes and desires.


6/29/2012 4:55:06 PM

the pain sometimes is overwhelming to say the least. my arms get to be like jello with massive pain. i just wish it would stop so i can enjoy life. i have started locking myself in my room and not talking to anyone because i feel worthless. some day i may actually find someone who will bring me back but so far i have not. one day i will fly again i hope. i so miss the feeling of flying of being that comfortable with someone that i will let them take me to that level of freedom where i ultamatly trust them with my life. maybe someday sighs softly


6/16/2012 10:25:38 AM

we all have time but it passes by quickly. most of my life i though nothing of the time i spent. it was just another day. today i sit and think of my time and it is precious to me. each minute is a minute closer to the things i do not want to be. i want love again, i want to belong again, but i do not know how to do that any more. i am lost and hurting and confused and afraid and even with people around me i feel alone and unwanted and unneeded. how do i make these feelings turn around to positive things for me. i have been trying to get out there and actually meet people but all they seem to want is a blow job and nothing more. i am worth more than being used like that. i know this because Susan told me so. my friends online are dwindling not because of any reason other than i have pulled away from them. the ones that matter most i reach out to the best i can but they have their own lives and do not need to worry about me right now. i am not in any harms way. i am working hard to take care of myself the best i can. i do a decent job of it. i have only burnt a couple times this year. life is complicated and i am finding out just how someone can feel so alone even though they have others to talk to. time is so short and i want to make the best of it before it is taken away. how do i do that?


6/1/2012 10:29:22 AM

sighs. when your youngest child says "mom i will always be there for you, i will never put you in a home, i will take care of your every needs". All this coming from the fact that she knows at some point i will not even be able to wipe my own bum it just makes me cry. i do not want my children having to take care of me like i am one of their babies. it is not their job to have to do that. i really hate being disabled and becoming a burden on my kids. they are all wonderful but god i do not want to put a burden on their lives. 

 

i shall run away and find a nursemaid to tend to me and make sure they know i will not allow them to do such things. it is not wrong to not want them to have to tend to me when i am unable to tend to myself. i want to save them the trouble and i do not want them to end up hating me for it later in life. 

 

i know that i will be alone the rest of my life for the most part because of my disabilities but i can deal with that. It would be selfish of me to expect anyone to want a submissive that They will end up having to take care of. Until that times comes though i will be the best i can and love and live like there is no tomorrow. 

 

maybe somewhere i will help someone grow and learn and love who they are inside. That is all i want. ok not all i want i want to be loved and held and spanked and needed and wanted and cherished and sighs and shuts up. 


5/9/2012 8:36:39 PM

the time nears that my baby graduates high school and becomes an adult. will she stay for a while or will she move on fast. these are the questions that i ask. will i be completely alone with no one but me at home. can i make it out there on my own i am afraid to try. at the age of 17 i was a mom and it was no longer just me. 28 years not and i am not sure if i will be able to find the woman lurking in the dark. the fears grow as it comes that time. but life goes on even if i cannot see mine. who will i be when i am not longer someones mom, when people call me by name. will i crack and crumble all over again. most of my friends i had back then are gone. they have moved on and are busy with their own worlds. i always keep one that was dear to me deep in my thoughts, she is now a mystery. i see her posting all the time. i so hope all is fine. we would talk every night. i really thought we gave each other light. oh well at least she posts on my daughters site. the family i picked a year ago. well i am not sure where they have gone. i am sure it was all me though other wise i would not have lost most of them. maybe my troubles were to much to bare or they got tired of my despair. all i know is soon i will be alone with Susan's ashes to keep my sane. this world can be so cruel you know. sets you up just to watch you fall. well i will hold on tight you see. i will learn how to be me. open my eyes and heart to You teach me what You want me to do. watch me grow and spread my wings. for freedom is what it means. i love all my friends and adoptive family even if they no longer see me. maybe i needed to fall apart so when i put myself together i grew a new heart. so here i am facing my end in a way. all to have me wake up to a brand new day. Teach me how to go forward on my own only then can i truly grow. 


4/21/2012 11:30:55 AM

Past few days it's been extremely hard on me I'm tired and worn out I'm emotionally drained I feel like I've been through the ringer. I miss her so much she was everything to me and she always will be everything. I just need to learn to love again to let my heart get full. It won't be long and I will be completely alone. When that time comes I want to know that I can do it I could stand on my own 2 feet but I can offer my heart someone and not feel guilty for it. With every day that passes with every memory of her I think I get one step closer to being able to except the world without her. I will never get over her I will never forget her she will always be the love of my life. The reality of it all is I need to move on I need to live again and I need to be able to be happy again. There will come a day when someone comes into my life sweeps me off my feet again I know that's going to happen and I want to be able to say I will accept it. It may be tomorrow, it may be next week, and maybe next year but whenever it happens I want to be ready.


4/20/2012 7:21:57 AM

today i woke up early. i woke up with the thoughts in my mind of Susan and holding Her hand while She died. i woke with pictures of Her laying there holding mousey and slowly slipping away. Someone told me it was not healthy dwelling on this but come on it has only been 2 years dose anyone really think that the pain goes away that fast? How many people really know what it feels like to have your life ripped apart at the loss of the One that fills your heart and soul with purpose. She did it all for me. if i was forced to stop mourning her i think i would fail. i desirve the right to think about Her and hurt that She is gone. they are my feelings and i have the right to have them. i am not out there trying to replace Her. i am moving on in my life. i have meet others and tried to have relationships even if they did not work i have tried. i know now that She would not mind if i found someone. i am no longer locking myself up in a cage thinking i will never love again. I am how ever missing the hell out of Her and wishing She was with me still. She had the most beautiful eyes that could see right through me. i have never felt guilty for pulling the plug because i know it was what She would have wanted. i have never been angry at God for taking Her just that He did not take Her fast enough and She suffered some. i have never been angry that She left me because i know She did not want to leave me. Someone told me i needed to be angry to work through all this stuff. Well i disagree. it has been 2 years today and i am slowly making my way out of the haze of loss and moving back into the reality of the real world. i think that means i am dealing with it the best i can on my own. When She died i did not have one single friend to support me in my loss i had my kids who did not want to see me cry so i held it in for a very long time. i am no longer holding it in i am crying and i will permit myself to keep crying so i can get it out and finish the steps needed to move forward with my life. Tears are not a bad thing and they do not mean i am dwelling they mean i am moving forward. Susan would want me to do that. She would understand that it still hurts to not have Her here with me. She would know that i am doing my best to work through things and She would be proud of me for doing so.


4/19/2012 8:58:50 PM

i wrote this yesterday. Today i reflect back 2 years. When i left Her side to spend the night with my kids for my birthday. They wanted me to be with them so bad and i had not left Her side sense She had been in the hospital sense that first night. My kids wanted their mom and i know She would have wanted me to go spend my birthday with them so i did. The hospital knew i would be at home instead of sleeping in the waiting room like i had been doing so if anything happened they would call me. When i got home there was a big sign on the wall that said Happy Birthday Momma Lama. (it is what Tyanna always called me) They made me a cake and cooked me dinner and then it was gift time. i went to be about 10 that night and it felt so good to sleep in a bed again after 9 nights of sleeping in chairs. at 4:35 that morning i got a call from the hospital. Susan had a blood clot in Her leg and they could not surgectly remove it because She kept crashing when they tried to move Her. They filled Her with blood thinners and was hoping that would work. The night nurse noticed it in the middle of the night because Her leg had turned ice cold. i jumped in my car after waking the girls up and headed to the hospital. It was a 2 1/2 hour drive and i made it in 1 1/2. Deidra went with me for support. i was there before visiting hours started but they let me go in to spend time with Her. The Dr. said She would not make it through the day and She did. Then He said She would not make it through the night and She did. The next morning i asked them why if there is not even a .001% chance of Her pulling through this are they upping Her meds. The nurse got the Dr. and we talked. She was not going to last much longer He said but they are upping it to make Her last as long as they could. I said NO She would not want Her own body to kill Her. Her legs and arms were already turning black and blue from lack of blood flow and Her organs were already starting to shut down. I told the Dr to stop it and let Her go. She would not want Her children to see Her that way and She would not want me to either. It was partly selfish because i was not sure if i could handle seeing Her whole body black and blue but i also knew She would not have wanted that either. The Dr went to talk to Her team of Dr.s and they all agreed to stop. They moved Her into a private room and me and Her best friend stayed with Her for almost 3 hours before She finally let go. Deidra was there but not in the room as she did not think she could handle seeing her other mom pass. It was the hardest thing in the world for me. Susan held mousey and my hand and peppers hand as She crossed from our world to another. She was the most wonderful Woman i know. She was kind and forgiving and understanding and thoughtful. She was strong and dedicated and She had the biggest heart i have ever known. Today 2 years ago i left Her side to be with my children. It was selfish but i now know that She would not have blamed me or been upset with me for doing so. She would have wanted me to. Today i let go of the guilt i have felt for 2 years. Today i will let myself be happy on my birthday because She would not have wanted me to carry that guilt around with me for the rest of my life. Today She is in my heart and mind and i know She is with me every day. Today i will slowly let go of so many things i have been holding onto. Susan i love You so very much and always will love You. You are very special to me my Love. Today i will finally let Susan rest in peace knowing that no matter how hard i am willing to move forward and not hold onto the things that made me hurt so badly.


4/15/2012 1:16:25 PM

i am slowly loosing faith and trust in those around me. maybe it is just because we are coming up on Susan's death aniversary and my birthday i don't know. it is hard to believe She has been gone almost 2 years now. i still remember the last time we talked like it was yesterday. She was in the hospital and they put Her in intensive care because Her O2 was low. She told the lady that came in i was to make all medical decissions if She was unable to and that She wanted every measure taken to save Her life cause She was not ready to die yet. i joked with Her and told Her i was going to have them pull the plug when they put Her on lifesupport. sighs little did i know at that time that i would be doing just that. She had laughed and said "I know you love me babygrl" i went home to take care of the kids and kisses Her and told Her i would see Her tomorrow. sighs softly. When i came back in the moring at 5 am cause they had to intabate Her She was in a coma. Her tomorrow never came. that was our last kiss, last i love you, last smile, She was in that coma for 10 days and in the end i had to decide to pull the plug because She was slowly dieing from a blood clot. and i did not want them prolonging something they could not stop. She was my world my love my best friend my everything. She took care of me, the bills, and helped me with my kids. She loved me, spoiled me, and worked me very hard, i still do not know how i am going to make it from day to day sometimes. i miss Her so much. i love Her and always will.


4/10/2012 6:47:42 AM

i am moving into the new place and it is looking beautiful. i am so happy. yes it makes money tight but it is well worth it cause it is my very own space smiles


3/9/2012 8:42:37 AM

i am so tired of the damn car breaking down on me. they are more expensive than the child is. Prom and graduation is expensive but not as much as the flippin car. sighs. then i have this stupid pinched nerve that i cannot stand the pain of. i wish that it would all stop and let me live my life in peace. i want to just have a nice day with no stress involved.


12/1/2011 12:44:19 PM

per my daughter who is 17 it is time i love again and Susan would not mind and i am happier when i am in love. This comes from a child that has never wanted to share her mom with anyone even Susan most times. i was shocked and went into a major panic attack cause it was out of no where while we were driving down the road. Smy o i have decided it will start the process of letting go and moving forward. i will not forget Her as She is part of me but i will let my heart heal and open it up and put myself back out there. This is a huge step for me and i am scared as hell but i think i am ready for it.


9/6/2011 11:04:32 AM

today i found out i was approved for disability and it was my first try. i am so happy and relieved for this. i have had so many worries and stresses lately and this has taken care of a large part of them. God truely does take care of those who are good.


8/11/2011 4:34:52 PM

well i have been in Washington for about 2 weeks and i will be traveling again but will only be gone for about a month. my mom just had surgery and she needs help so i am going to go to South Dakota for a month and help her out. 


7/25/2011 8:24:42 AM

i just read my medical records because they put them on on a thumb drive for me to take with me on my move. I could not believe what i read about the tumor that was removed. first off they said it was just under a cm. i find out it is 7cm long, 5 cm wide, and 2 1/2 cm thick. That is not under a cm that is flipping huge. then i find out that the results for cancer i was told was clear are not clear at all. the lab that tested them sent them to 3 different drs to double check their work. they were all inconclusive on if there was cancer or not. yet not one other test was ran to double check me for cancer. WTF. i really hate drs right now. when i get to WA State i am going to ask my new drs to do more tests to double check me for cancer. i need to know so if there is cancer there i can fight it and win not slowly let it grow and kill me.  


7/24/2011 1:24:25 PM

nothing like working hard and feeling the burn in your body. Matters not that i should not be doing a lot of lifting it needs to be done and i will deal with the pain from it so i can get out of here on time. i am lucky to have someone that is going to help me so i need to be ready for Him when He gets here to help me drive the uhaul. 


7/23/2011 12:33:53 PM

today the arm pain is bad. i have been over doing it but i really need to get this packing done. my ex-sister-in-law called me trying to get something of Susan's that goes to Her son. i would not give in so she became a bitch to me. shrugs i never really thought much of her any how so no harm there. i just hate being in the middle of that families fights. my head is fuzzy and i am tired as hell but i have so much to do. 


7/23/2011 7:37:42 AM

i am so sore from all t his packing. i just wish it was over. i know once i get to Washington things will be much better. in some ways and a bit worse in others. i am hoping that in time it will be a lot better as i really do want my own place even though my son thinks he is going to keep me with him. he is a bit controlling and has already tried to tell me what to do. time will tell how that will work. i just want the packing down for now. 


7/18/2011 4:34:32 PM

omg packing a house in a week is so hard lol. 


7/17/2011 12:33:07 PM

it appears i will have help after all moving up to Washington yeah yeah yeah. i was so afraid of doing that drive by myself. now i do not have to sighs softly. Great friends are hard to find but when you do they show just how wonderful they are in times of need. 


7/1/2011 12:30:03 PM

can i just say "i am sick of drs and meds and life!" i wish it would stop and stop soon. life is getting harder and harder to deal with. i want to burn so badly but i have prevented it sense last sunday night. my head feels numb and floaty and i can not concentrate on anything for long. my moods are crazy up and down and i just want to sleep all the time. i go into fits of tears for no reason and my arms hurt so bad and that is making life difficult cause i have to get this house packed up and ready to move in a month sighs. i wonder if i am going to get this done. i am just so lost, so alone, and so scared. 


6/22/2011 11:12:59 AM

I have 5 apts set up to start taking care of things going wrong in my life. I will end up with more meds and more apts as time goes. i am trying so hard to stay focused on that fact that these apts will make things better in the long run. Some will fix some problems eventually some will pro-long other problems. Some will balance me out because my thyroid being removed has put me way off whack. Some will be for the rest of my life and some will stop once i get the thyroid numbers under control. life is already hard and scary but with all this on top of it i have been falling apart several times a day. i have stopped talking to people because i do not want to make anyone think i need them to rescue me or that i am just crazy. right now is not the right time to even think about a relationship because i know i would be hard to deal with when i can not stop crying over the slightest thing. i am trying to be fair to anyone who is or was interested in getting to know me because right now i am not me i am this pathetic woman who can not hold things together. and normally i am a very strong woman. This really sucks but i know with the meds they are putting me on for the pain and the thyroid stuff it will all balance out eventually.  


6/20/2011 11:36:38 AM

today i got a blow from one of my dr.s. He told me i need to apply for disability and prepare myself for what is to come. i will not have the ability to use my arms eventually and there is nothing they can do. In the last 4 days i have gone through so much and i just do not know what to do or how to handle it. i will still be moving to Vancouver but this will be changing my entire life and i am not sure how yet. i will no longer be looking for anyone to explore things with as it will not be fair to them. though i am sure i will stay active in the lifestyle i will just do it alone. maybe as a mentor to others and to help with events when i can. who knows. all i know is today i just want to crawl into a hole and hide away. 


6/13/2011 6:29:58 PM

today the movers came and took away most of the big furniture to take to mom's new home and now the house is empty and echos. i have been here for 22 years and my two youngest daughters pretty much grew up in this house. i did not anticipate feeling empty or lost today. i did not expect tears to flow so freely from my eyes. how can one get use to the only place she has called home to be empty. how does one deal with the feelings that are over whelming. is there an answer to those questions. i am so afraid now. so lost. so alone. so empty inside.  


6/9/2011 4:26:49 PM

this past week has been so hard. i watched my daughter graduate and accept a scholarship and make a speech that brought me to tears. i started packing up my things to move and in doing so means i am sorting out Susan's things which is so very hard to do. i have also had to make some hard life decisions and stand my ground on them. i will not get into the other things as they are personal and i do not think anyone that may read this needs to know or even wants to. on the positive side i have made a new friend that i am finding it very easy to talk to and grow close to. right now i think i need the friendship to keep me from falling completely apart. life is hard when there is no one you can trust to talk to about the things that scare you the most in life. but now i have someone i am starting to get that close to and it is nice. 


6/5/2011 2:02:03 PM

i have spent the weekend cleaning and hauling things off to the dump, getting ready for my move to Vancouver Washington. i am still unsure how i am going to make this happen but i will, i always find a way. my 19 daughter graduated from High School and i now have one more left to go. Another year and she will be a High School graduate and off to the Coast Guard. Then it will be time for me. Time to find myself again and set my limits and spread my wings and belong once more to the life i am. i am submissive through and through. i will some day find that One that will capture my heart and soul and take me to heights unknown. until that time i will continue to make friends and explore the world. my dreams and desires will never stop but i will keep them at bay until i am free to be myself with out worry of my child being caught up in the middle of it all.  

 

As the Sun sets and the moon chases the brightness from the sky

i will enjoy the brilliance of the friendship and love in Your eyes

for it will not be long before the Sun will rise and bring back the light

and again we will have lost the cover of our night

so bask in the glory of my arms my Love

and i shall bask in the glory of Your's 

because when it is all said and done and the night and day fight for time

We shall be the ones laughing because time will be our's to share always

 


5/29/2011 9:34:01 AM

i had surgery on May 5th. they removed my thyroid. It started out they were going to remove half of it due to a small tumor (which i told them was not small) but when they opened me up they found  that tumor had over take all of my thyroid and attached to my vocal cords and a few other things. The incision is just about completely healed but my voice is still weak from time to time. This may stay that way or come back time will tell. If it is the only thing that i have to deal with it is worth it. They cleared me of the type of cancer that thyroid tumors usually have but found active cells that are related to other kinds of cancer so did some extensive tests due to the fact the first ones kept coming back inconclusive and just a few days ago called me and said "you are cancer free. but we need you to be tested every year because those cells are active which means if they go full blown cancer we can catch them early because we know about them" so yeah for me i am cancer free. i refuse to look at that fact that i may develop cancer in the future we all have cancer cells in us and run that risk. i am not different just because i know they are there. these past 3 weeks have been hell on me mentally. There were times i wanted to walk away from life and just give up. i did not want to face the next day and i became more quiet than normal.  i have gone through a lot over the past 2 years and this was just another thing i had to make it through and i have. i am a strong woman and have learned over the past year especially that i can do it on my own. Though  i had my kids and friends to help me through most of it. and i am grateful to have had their help. i have learned that to depend on anyone is not a weakness but it is very hard because sometimes the one you count on most just does not understand or is so consumed in their own life they forget you are having a hard time or do not see what you are going through is over whelming. so i have had to be stronger than i thought i could be by facing a lot of this on my own. and here i am still moving forward and surviving the pains of time. good for me i am proud of myself. 


1/9/2011 9:34:23 PM

the holidays are over the kids birthdays have passed and i have been really sick. i have decided to remove myself from the eyes of the public and take some time for me again as i have discovered so much about me over the past few weeks and i am not sure i like what i have discovered. time will tell if i am wright or wrong on this choice.

 


12/25/2010 7:37:02 AM

today is the first christmas with out Her and i am alone. the kids are at their dads and my mom in in arkansas so i am here with the animals. i miss Her so very much. it is a sad day for me and one i will remember for the rest of my life.


12/5/2010 12:26:47 PM
a nice thanksgiving dinner yestday and a relaxing day today what could be better than spending time with ones family

11/30/2010 6:04:21 AM

today i woke with allergies. the kids go back to school and i will get to get back to my studies. am working hard on getting my BA in Business Information Systems. so far i have gotten a 100% on everything but one. i am proud of how well i am doing. my kids are proud of me also. times are tough right now as it is finally hitting the wallet with no second income but we are making it. the kids will get one present each and they are buying me a small pink christmas tree lol. my kids are wonderful. christmas is not about what you get it is about being with family.

 


11/29/2010 10:35:09 PM
today was a good day. i got to spend time with my kids and friends. It is so nice to be home again.

11/28/2010 7:10:47 PM

i am home from my trip to WA to see my kids and it went wonderfully. i got to spend time with 4 of the 5 kids and 3 of the 6 grandkids. it was very cold and there was snow on the way up and home but it was well worth any freezing weather to spend time with my family. i am happy to be home though. i can not wait to sleep in my own bed tonight and snuggle up with my mousy stuffed animal that i forgot to bring.


11/22/2010 11:30:30 AM

i will be gone from tomorrow morning at 3am till late sat night. have a happy thanksgiving world


11/20/2010 7:07:50 PM

life is a constant roller coaster of ups and downs it is the way you face those that determines who you are inside. i have had hard times this year and found myself in a place where i hid from the world and not facing reality or the problems building up from the loss of the One who mattered most in my life. It not only affected me as a woman but also as a mom. i not only became alone again in my life again for the first time in almost 11 years i went from a two income family to a one income family which as sad as it sounds is now starting to hurt. i am now having to learn to balance things that i have not had to balance in a very long time. i went from a great job to being unemployed then finding a temp job which i lost due to my inablity to face the wold after Susan passed away. On a better note i am now in school getting my BA in Business Information Systems and trying to turn life around for me and my children. Some days i am not sure i can pull it all off and other days i am pleased to say i am working hard and trying to do what needs to be done. today it has been 7 months sense my life fell apart and i miss Her so very much. i know She would want me to go forward in my life and make things work for me and my family. i knwo this because She made me promise before She died that i would not crawl into a hole and die also. though i did for a while i have now decided that my life can be a full happy one if i work hard and accept that She is gone but will never be forgotten in my life. so every morning now when i wake up i tell Her good morning and that i miss Her and i promise Her that i will move through the day with my head held high and my heart and eyes open wide ready to accept what ever comes my way. so hello world here i am a woman trying to find peace and a place where she can belong again.


8/18/2010 8:14:15 AM
the day always looks brighter when one wakes up to the sunshine and the thought that you can start over. i have decided that i am not going to let what others say influence me in such a way that i turn from even myself. i am who i am and when i am ready i will accept that and become available. until that time comes i am who i am and that is a woman searching for the new road she needs to travel down. my kids and friends are the most important thing in my life and i will not put any of them on the back burner for someone else. if friendship is what you seek then i can be the best friend you have ever had but if it is more you seek then move on because i am not ready.

8/17/2010 3:37:43 PM
i have discovered that i am not ready to even try to go out into the world at this time. i am not ready for the games played by so called Masters and Mistress out there. i am not ready to have my heart ripped out and stepped on again. and i am not ready to feel more pain at this point in my life. so i will stay tucked away in my little world for a bit longer and tell anyone that is interested to look else where because i am not on the market not even for so called new friends. because someone thinks they can slip in and take over my life and make me feel like shit for it well that is not gonna work i am way to strong to let someone think they are better than me just so they can get into my pants.
steps off her soap box wipes her tears and crawls back into her hole.

8/14/2010 12:40:14 PM
today i learned that i have my limits on pain. pain from a boo boo i do not like. sighs. i know i have taken much more than this is giving me but for some reason this is harder to handle.

8/11/2010 7:51:47 AM
well i have burried another one in the family and am trying to move forward with out falling apart. The good thing is i have a wonderful friend here with me to help me through it all. i am not sure i could have made it with out him here to hold me while i cried. Friends are the most wonderful thing in the world because you can love them with out a worry in the world.

8/6/2010 5:04:37 PM
yet another death to deal with and the family drama that goes with it. at some point others are going to stop passing away so i do not feel like i am a death magnet sighs

8/4/2010 9:54:15 AM
today i have learned that there are some wonderful people in the world that wish to do nothing but see others healthy, happy and well taken care of. though i refuse to let strangers help it is touching to know that there are those out there that expect nothing in return but friendship. The time passes and i miss Her so much but it makes me happy to know that some day i will be able to look back on now and says She made me who i am and i am proud of who i have become because of Her. life is hard and the best way to deal with it is head on and chin up and just make the most of what it offers. Friendship, love, relationships, and family are some of the most wonderful things you can hold on to. do not let what has happened distroy what may happen for you never know who learks around a corner to make you feel complete again. even a friend can do that. smiles

7/28/2010 12:40:38 PM
finding more and more that i can make friends here with out the expectations of sex and play time smiles. am glad that i am finding that because it is needed right now.

7/26/2010 7:13:26 AM
am still sorting though things it will take a while and it goes slow because i have to stop and cry every few minutes but i am now sleeping in a room that is mine and sleep has come easier.

7/21/2010 12:29:34 PM
the time has come to finish packing Her things and moving a bit further forward in my life. i am not sure how well this will go but it will go either way i deal with it.

7/19/2010 11:04:58 AM
tomorrow will be 3 months and i am still here breathing. She is always at the top of my mind and filling my heart with love and joy. some tell me it is time to let go and move on some tell me i have to wait 6-8 months and i tell myself i will know when that time is but sometimes i am even unsure of my own thoughts. there are a few here that think i need to be controled to help me move on and to them i say thank You but go to hell. i am not looking for someone to control me yet i need time to find who i am and what i want from life. it is really rather simple i am a woman in pain not some door mouse looking to jump into bed with some idiot that thinks they can use my emotional pain for their own self gain. i have a mind and it is strong. though i miss having Her arms around me and having Her with me all the time it does not mean i wish to replace Her with the first fool that comes along offering me the D/s aspect of my life again. i do not need to serve to know who i am nor do i need to serve to keep who i am alive i just need to know that i have friends that understand and will talk to me and help me when i ask.

6/26/2010 1:10:54 PM
has past the 2 month mark and i am still here moving forward. sleep has yet to return to normal but i am sure that will be this way for a while. i have made a few friends here and on other sites. still trying to explain to Others that i am not seeking to serve anyone at this time. i am not ready yet. it will be a while i am sure of that. but i am ready to start going places with friends and learning where i am now compaired to where i was years ago. it is proving to be a wonderful learning experience to see where my thresholds lay now compaired to then.

6/16/2010 6:21:43 AM
today i will have a good day. i will not let myself fall apart of feel sorry for myself. today i will hold my head high and look forward. today i will feel i am worth something and know that She made me feel this way.

6/12/2010 12:36:41 AM
yet another day goes by and i have still found myself lost on how to just lay down and sleep like most people do. will it ever come back to me? will i ever get back to the person i was before? i am trying so hard to cope with missing Her. every where i look i see Her friends and i just can not bring myself to stay connected to them because it hurts to see them. i guess making new friends is where i need to start and i am trying to do just that. so many here and on other sites just want to hook up for sex though and i just can not do that. i am not ready to give myself to anyone.

6/10/2010 7:40:11 PM
curls up with myself because tonight is the first night my kids have let me be alone in the house and i really have no clue what to do. am starting to meet new friends on here and in real life and it is nice that i have been able to connect. i have started going through Her things and packing some away for when i move i will take them out and put them around the new place because no matter where i live it will be Her place as well. i think i am ready for the next step in finding myself so i am going to try. smiles and goes off to see why the dogs are barking

6/6/2010 9:59:01 AM
one is at day 46 and thinking it is time to stop putting numbers to the passing days. She is gone it is that simple and no matter how many days pass this grl will never stop missing Her. i was asked if i was activlly seeking a replacement and yes that is how it was put. NO i can never replace Her in my life. There will never been anyone who will add up to what She was to me. There will be different relationship dynamics and i may some day find someone to make me happy again but they will never fill Her shoes. the next half of that question no grl is not Activlly seeking she is still feeling the pain and emptiness of the loss. how can someone give themselfs fully if they are not all there? that is a good question and one others should think of before asking more of a grl.

6/1/2010 4:57:33 AM
well day 42 and again i am up earlier than i should be. maybe some day i will find comfort in sleep again. until then i will take comfort in knowing i have a place to put my thoughts down.

5/31/2010 7:45:16 PM

day 41 and i am back to 4 hours sleep sighs. knows this will end some day just not sure how well i will weather though it. i miss Her today more than ever. i took the kids to the waterfall where we exchanged vows and just thought of Her.


5/29/2010 7:44:31 AM
day 39 and one slept a total of 8 hours last night it was the first full night sleep has gotten in a very long time. thinks it is all just catching up to her right now.

5/28/2010 4:48:24 AM

day 38 so much going on. sighs will not unload all my troubles but will say this i am afraid right now and will continue to be until Wed of next week. i so wish Susan was still here because right now i need Her arms around me conforting me. i thought i missed Her before but now it is ripping out my insides not having Her here.


5/25/2010 7:25:46 AM
day 35 and this one again slept well last night. has put Ma'am on the stand next to her bed and not slept with Her in 2 nights. work was hard yesterday and grl was not feeling well but she stayed and completed her job. they are talking about changing her schedule back to day shifts again that is a good thing. has to take the dog in to have the staples removed today am sure it will make him happy. things are so different now and one is not sure is she likes the changes in her life with out Her to guide her in the right direction.

5/24/2010 6:38:44 AM
Day 34 and grl slept well last night. so well that she did not want to get up this morning smiles. one day at a time and today is a new day.

5/23/2010 7:35:22 AM
today is day 33 of the rest of my life. i have been with out Her for 33 days and though it has gotten easier to breath the pain in my chest is still there and the feeling of being empty has not yet gone away. i do not expect either of those to completly go away any time soon though. Yesterday i had a friend from CA come visit me and we played dress up and had some fun with it. Though one thought the skirt was a bit short looks at sammi.

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uneed2bowned
 
 Age: 29
  Kansas