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So, here we are, the terrifyingly empty white box Im supposed to fill with something delightfully witty which will hopefully entice you, dear reader to say hello and let me know I may not be as alone as I think. Here goes nothing...
Im a grown man, fairly sure of who I am in most aspects of my life. Ive friends, family, career though none of these suspect this other, secret side of myself - Im a submissive. At times, these feelings, long kept mostly repressed I fear, threaten to overwhelm and spill onto my vanilla life. So here I find myself, hoping to explore some of these needs and desires, not knowing at all what I should expect next.
Im open to discussing just about anything under the sun and perhaps developing friendships and connections that spill over into the real world. For now, please say hi if youd like, its always nice to be seen.
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...this works again?
Aweseom and thank You. |
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I've often wondered if these submissive desires of mine are best thought of more as a sexual orientation than a fetish and then today I found this article:
Dominance And Submission Are Forms of Sexual Orientation (Really!)
From the article:
“Sexual orientation is an enduring pattern of sexual and affectional attraction. People are increasingly using a wider variety of labels to describe their own orientation, sexual orientation need not contain only one label (heterosexual for example).
I describe sexual orientation across three dimensions:
1. From heterosexual to bisexual to homosexual (i.e., which gender(s) are you attracted to).
2. From Dominant to submissive.
3. From highly sexual to asexual.
(Remember that I am talking about orientation rather than gender identity. Gender is how I see and experience myself and does not necessarily apply to how I relate to or with others.) “
Expanding her 3 dimensions to include the notion of romantic orientation
I think I might today best be described as a highly sexual submissive bisexual heteroromantic.
But...what to do with this knowledge? Though it is oddly comforting to have myself described this way it does little to ‘take the edge of’... |
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jumbled thoughts today as I once more, inevitably, tire of fighting these desires....
...wondering today if its possible that i'll ever be able to either truly accept or deny this part of my self.
is it just that i'm lonely? at times I fear i might just be hungering for someone, anyone, to give pleasure to, to be of use to, to be seen...
this desire of mine, to be the object, to surrender to another, is not at all what I've been taught it is to be a man and it is very much at war I think with my not-yet-totally abandoned hope to be loved...
how do others reconcile these things? do they? where does this end for me? am I doomed to always be alone - trapped in this cycle of denial?
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I realized the other day that, with the holidays and a terribly busy work schedule, I've not posted in quite some time so here goes...
Its been much too long since I indulged myself so today I'm planning on spending the day nude but in chastity, imagining someone here, watching me, as I go about the normal routine of housecleaning and laundry.... |
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So... in case you were wondering, in the unlikely event someone is reading these things...I did shave everything the other day and I was right. This feels ever so much better. My whole body seems somehow more open, more alive. And I love having this naughty secret beneath my clothes....😈 |
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I've tried the last few months to be 'normal'. But I just spent the last hour or so naked in front of a mirror practicing postures, imagining Someone was watching. Correcting me, instructing me on how to move correctly, pleasingly. Watching in the mirror, I can't help but feel a bit ridiculous at moments - I'm not exactly a young man anymore. Sometimes I look like an idiot but sometimes, sometimes I see something more. Something powerful, something primal. I can see it in my own eyes then - a deep well of desire to be used, to be useful, to please another, to belong.
A few months ago I stopped shaving my body but my natural hair still feels somehow wrong. So much so that I'm probably going to spend the rest of the afternoon shaving it away. When smooth, I feel...revealed, exposed, vulnerable. Were anyone to see me naked there'd be no mistaking me for anything but a submissive. I just wish today there were someone to see.
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Weekends are the worst. So much time…alone. I fear I don't do so well left to my own devices once the chores are done. Last Memorial day weekend I had resolved to take a bit of a break from all of...this. No porn. No shaving my body. No practicing submissive postures. Only boxers. Focus on the real, stop endlessly daydreaming of submission.
It's been just over 6 weeks now. I don't feel any better. I've not suddenly found a partner in life. I've not been any more or less productive than before. In fact, today, I'm about out of my mind. My natural body hair has returned and somehow it makes me feel….dirty. I miss the way clothing felt against my skin. I miss the ritual of shaving everything. Of imagining I was doing it for my Owner. Of taking some action in the real world that confirmed my nature and my deepest desires.
Will I always be this…stuck? This alone? Is there any hope that, one day, I might find someone who will want me for everything I am? Someone who can accept this terrible and inescapable desire of mine to kneel? To be used? |
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This could be interesting...
https://onesubmissiveact.com/subs/b172de4afcd17a80a100
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Spring has sprung and with it my libido. Most days, I'm able to keep these feelings, these urges in check as, well, I think I've generally grown a bit tired of the solo play. But today. Today seems to be a different story entirely. I can't seem to get my subby side back into it's neat little box so now I find myself naked, in a chastity cage. Collared and cuffed. Fantasizing that You are here. Watching me. Directing me. Touching me. Using me. Other than that, a regular Saturday night alone at home. I'm certain if You walked in right now, I'd fall to my knees...
Where are You? Must I always suffer alone with these feelings? These desires? Won't someone find me and bring some meaning, some purpose to all of this?
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well...if there was any doubt, I suppose this puts it to rest...
== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
100% Submissive
99% Rope Bunny
96% Slave
83% Masochist
83% Degradee
81% Voyeur
75% Primal (Prey)
74% Exhibitionist
71% Experimentalist
49% Pet
38% Brat
36% Vanilla
35% Non-monogamist
34% Rigger
34% Switch
26% Girl/Boy
11% Dominant
11% Primal (Hunter)
8% Sadist
8% Daddy/Mommy
7% Master/Mistress
7% Degrader
5% Owner
4% Brat Tamer
1% Ageplayer
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.?id=1066228 |
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I've never been quite sure what it is about a rainy day that seems to enflame my submissive side but I've spent most of today imagining You, watching me. I'm not doing anything particularly provocative, just getting the holiday decorations down from the attic and setting up the tree but I am naked. Well, nearly naked. I'm wearing only a pair of fun, black and white panties, a flimsy tank top and light sweater (its a bit chilly in here today...) and a belled anklet as You said You liked hearing me move about the house. Tight around my neck is a simple black collar with just one word - slave - and tight around my cock, Your cock, is the chastity cage You hold the key to.
I feel You watching me, devouring me with Your eyes. I adore this - nothing to hide, no shame, no fear, only You and Your desires, Your pleasure. So simple for me, so clear. I wonder what is like for You. Do You worry that You'll push too far? Ask too much? Though I do need to get the house decorated, I want nothing more than to hear Your voice, Your command. Telling me to perform for You, to pleasure You.
Will you have me go down on You? Once You had me lick and kiss Your nipples for hours, You seemed amused by it more than anything though the time You'd done it to me I could've sworn I died and was reborn. Will You have me masturbate for You? You always seem to like that, especially when You make me clean the mess. Will You fuck me again?
I'm lost in the endless possibilities of serving You when I hear You - 'Into the corner little whore, nose against the wall'...
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Well, here we are, another Saturday with alone with a computer...
I don't want to be alone in this, every pot needs a lid and every bottom needs a top but is it really too much to ask that some trust be built before being asked to present yourself naked on camera...
Sigh.
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Lately I've decided to try and write down some of what goes on in my head...
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| Age: 23 |
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Thailand |
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