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shygypsy

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Good conversation is always welcome. :)


Nothing is more beautiful than...
smeared mascara and lipstick along with a stream of tears...
amongst other things....



Update: I am now living with him .... :)


Why am I still here?
For the message boards and journal entries....yes...really. I also enjoy reading profiles. Am curious, like that.



Aspiring to be... his beck & call girl

I am a very lucky girl cunt...

Am very fortunate to have the opportunity to be a part of his life, "the mean man in the nice skin with the evil stick." Aspiring to be....his dirty girl.
* I understand that this is not a democracy.
* I understand that this is a dictatorship
* I understand that things are not "fair".


I wouldn't want it any other way. Although, on occasion, I do have difficult moments....but he helps me when I have these complications and sometimes it involves the evil aluminum rod. "Given with the best intentions to help you with your complications." ~~~~~~
"What some people think make us strange or weird or fucked up, we think is what makes us beautiful." - suicide girls ~~~~~~
A spur of the moment offer by him for a NSA dinner...led to spending NSA, just hanging out type of weekends with him...before evolving into a relationship. Now there are strings attached...of the rope and chain variety. The elements of control, discipline and obedience are of utmost importance. They are integral parts of this relationship. There is no other option with him. Due to our schedules, we are able to see each other quite frequently, even weekly...Lucky me!
Why am I still here?
For the message boards and journal entries....yes...really.


-Am simple, yet complex...
-I tend to flounder in shades of gray...
-Am abstract random, though I long for and crave structure...
-Have "situational tourettes", something a concrete sequential Sadist can easily bring out...
-Am quite shy, blush easily too...
-Being loyal is important to me...so is honesty and integrity...
-Am a music whore...
-Enjoy a good sense of humor, the more evil and sarcastic...the better. Have always found that to be quite charming...
I list myself as submissive, though I believe that I lean more toward slave. I do not switch. One of the main reasons why I am here is to learn more about myself and what it is that I have to offer. I have experienced this lifestyle in r/l for quite a few years. But presently, I feel as if there is so much that I have yet to experience, therefore I am feeling like I am still "new". Even though this profile may not say a lot at this time, I am real and sincere. Please be the same.

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11/19/2015 11:28:51 PM

The rougher he is with me,
the more I want to be closer to him...
He is a sadist
I am not a masochist
yet I crave this from him...
a need that continues to grow...

My demons scare me sometimes...

In the past, there were times
when he was so angry with me...
His eyes piercing
The harsh tone of his voice
The way he used me to prove a point...

I still remember them like yesterday...
especially two incidences...
It is not the anger that I want,
it is the harshness that I seek,
it helps me...in so many ways...

I don't understand why I love the things I do
I don't even know if I know how to explain it...
I just know that this morning,
I fell in love with him
even more than I thought possible...





11/29/2014 2:06:05 AM
I dislike feeling "lost"....I dislike it a lot....

11/20/2014 11:56:15 AM
We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours. - one of my favorite quotes. 

4/14/2014 12:12:33 AM
Song ~ Pain by Three Days Grace One of my all time favorite songs...(not for the reasons most people think either)

4/12/2014 1:10:20 AM

 

Came across this on youtube....Love it. :)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iskxmVrU_dY


10/24/2013 10:05:13 PM

Some days....my heart feels sad.


12/18/2012 7:06:49 AM

This is not the Cleavers....I am not June. So, slap my whorish mouth...just because you want to...

 

 

I wrote that quite a few years ago...I still love it to this day.


12/12/2012 8:04:09 AM

At times, I wonder how other people manage...

 

Right now, I feel like I am neglecting him...even though I don't intentionally do so...I feel guilty just the same...

 

I am having a difficult time juggling a 24/7 live in relationship...working full time, and going to Uni for an advanced degree. A group project due by Friday and a test in another class today. It is a week before finals too. My research class is making me crazy!

 

 


9/8/2012 12:58:47 PM

Frustrated about this whole situation...


8/23/2012 9:00:54 AM

....violate me

....desecrate me

 

At the moment, those are some of the things that I miss...


4/19/2012 11:50:44 PM

Today, I went out to the shop to ask him a question in regards to dinner. He was under his truck...working on it. He loves music so.... of course it is playing quite loudly in the background. Seeing him made my heart dance....

 

 

 


4/19/2012 4:20:45 PM

He says that he is curmudgeon...I don't think so. A lot of the time, he has a wicked smile on his face when he says it.

 

I <3 his curmudgeon self.

 

 


3/30/2012 3:57:26 PM

Yesterday, I met him for lunch while he was at work. It was delicious! And he is the best! I have to work tonight but have tomorrow off...which will be nice. :)


3/18/2012 2:21:28 AM

Sometimes I feel alone....this is one of those times. It is as if I am looking through a window... I don't know how else to describe it. :(


2/6/2012 8:47:55 AM

Bathe in sin....dance in the dirt....

 

lyrics from one of my fav songs...


12/9/2011 10:12:15 AM

While doing things around the house, I realized that I already have the best Christmas present ever....

living with him :)

 

It has been just over 6 months since I moved in with him. I am grateful for this site because I wouldn't have met him otherwise.


8/21/2011 11:08:37 PM

Our conversation before going to bed...

Him: "You're just a cunt." as he pulls my hair.

me: "Cunts have feelings too."

He laughed...

I <3 him.


6/15/2011 9:59:56 AM

Hearing his car pulling up in the driveway after work makes me smile. I love it here! I feel as if I am on holiday.

 

I still have a lot of unpacking to do, but I know that takes time.


6/4/2011 7:40:07 AM

Tomorrow is moving day...One year to the day of meeting him in r/l...no, the date wasn't planned that way. It is just how things fell into place.

 

I will be living with him. I am scared and nervous... At the same time, I know that I belong there. To be of service to him makes me happy...there are no words to describe the degree of happiness I feel when doing so.

 

 


5/13/2011 3:54:11 AM

He told me last night that he is looking forward to seeing me today. :) I am so happy that Friday is finally here. I wish I could just hug and kiss him when I first see him. But I am so shy around him at first....even almost a year later.

  

Sometimes he will give me space...when I first get there. Other times, he just pins me in a corner right away. Sometimes, it is like predator/prey. I will walk the farthest away from him to get to where I am going. Then he starts to circle in, making the space between me and him smaller and smaller. There are times while I am putting away my things upon arriving to his home that he will follow me. I won't even realize it until I see him standing there. Sometimes, I don't realize it until I hear the door close behind him. My heart almost stops at that moment. I get scared because he usually has that look in his eyes that he wants to hurt me. At the same time, I love that he uses me for his pleasure and entertainment.

 


5/12/2011 6:01:08 PM

The countdown for the move begins... :)

 


5/7/2011 4:38:16 AM

The second evening that I spent with him, he told me that he wanted to rape me. We were in the building where he works. His comment made me blush. I couldn't even look at him. I remember not knowing what to say.

Awhile back, he told me...something to the effect of having to pay for being such a cunt that day. I don't think I was being a cunt...I wasn't a tease...I was so very shy around him. Sometimes, I still am..close to a year later.

I love the way his eyes change when he wants to hurt me...

I love the sound of his voice while he is hurting me...

I love the way he lets me be close to him after he is finished hurting me...

I hope to continue to make amends again and again and again for that day....for a very long time. 

 

 

 

 


5/6/2011 6:21:43 AM

In less than a month, I will be living with him. I am excited, nervous and scared at the same time.


2/4/2011 3:43:24 AM
What if your fears and dreams exist in the same place, would you still go there?

I am not masochistic, I don't think so anyways. He says differently. He is a Sadist. I am a crybaby. I need to toughen up as he says, but am not sure how. I am scared of canes, sometimes more than other times. I see one and want to run, but I know better because it would be worse if I did. To be pleasing is what is important to me, so I try to not be so much of a crybaby in that regard. Lately, I suck at it.

But at the same time, there is a part of me that tries to get me in trouble. A little voice in my head that says..."Go ahead, just let go....see what he will do.." Are you fucking kidding me??? He said that he would string me up to the ceiling and it will be way worse if I let go or moved from this spot. That voice just kept going on...taunting me. But I didn't let it win this time. But I am scared that there will be a time that I do...

What is wrong with me???

There is a song by avenged sevenfold that just happened to play on the radio almost every time that I was in the car with him. This was in June...I noticed quite quickly that I never heard it except during those times in the car with him.

Nightmare!

(Now your nightmare comes to life)

You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know
That you belong here, yeah
Ooh, it's your fuckin' nightmare

When I first heard it...I loved it. I still do. It makes me think of him.


1/10/2011 9:06:40 PM

Aspiring to be.....his beck & call girl.


1/5/2011 9:06:21 PM

"I don't like you......I don't like you anymore...." said by me as I was crying so much that snot was coming out of my nose...

He just laughed and continued on...I am there for his entertainment after all...

Afterwards, I found myself looking at him, smiling a cheesy grin. I hugged and kissed him. I thought to myself how I am so happy being with him, how lucky I am to be a part of his life, how my heart melts whenever I see him. And I also remember thinking...."I did it!!" in regards to keeping my hands where he wanted. It may be minor for others, but for me...it means a lot. I wanted to please him so much, at the same time, I am not masochistic...not in my mind anyways. So sometimes, it is hard not to try and get away. I usually try to hide in a corner...lol. He, on the other hand, is a Sadist and loves to do evil things to me.

Later on, while in the car....he mentioned how much he enjoyed it. When he made that comment, I felt embarrassed and shy...at the same time, it made me very happy that he was pleased with me.

We were able to spend the last day of 2010 together, we also were able to spend the first day of 2011 together as well...It was an unexpected visit and I am grateful for our time together. I had to leave on Monday since I was scheduled to work that night.

I miss him...


12/16/2010 1:16:59 PM
"A little cunt like you SHOULD be nervous." - Him, because he is nice like that :)

This was one of the texts that I received from him today. And I am so nervous. It reminds me of the time that I arrived at his home around 2am. A few minutes before pulling up in his driveway, I received a text from him asking me where I was. My first thought was....."Oh *insert expletive*, he is awake.....what is he doing awake??" I was so nervous that when I pulled up in his driveway, I sat there in the dark for 10-15 minutes before getting the nerve up to walk in the door. I would have stayed in my car longer, but I didn't want to get into any more trouble.

I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him tonight. At the same time, I can become really shy around him too. Sometimes, I am less shy but I feel a big dose of shyness coming on. I am sure that he will find a way to beat it out of me. Luckily, I will be able to spend 9 days with him and only need to use 2 vacation days to do so. It is a perk of working 12hr nights and being part of a unit that self-schedules.

Even though I am very nervous, I am so glad Thursday is finally here! Yay!!!



12/13/2010 5:46:45 AM
Cinnamon Girl by Neil Young...

When I miss him, I listen to this song. I didn't know that this song existed until I met him. It has different meaning for him, relating to his past. My only connection with this song is him. So as the song plays, I see images of him in my mind, like a digital picture frame of sorts. The images are a mix of vanilla and non-vanilla times. It is so abstract in what follows each image that it is funny and makes me smile.

Images of
...him working on his truck and how fantabulous he looks when he is wearing his coveralls and there is grease on his hands and face Before him, this would not be considered hot to me....lol).
...him doing things to me in his front yard in the middle of the night. Me...blushing, being embarrassed, worrying that the neighbor across the street will see.
...the time he let me use his sawzall on his apple trees...then him saying a short time later that I was done using it lol. I reluctantly gave it back.
...the noose hanging in his room, waiting just for me. The inspiration for one of my journal entries here.
...him laughing, the way his eyes change when he is going to hurt me, his wtf look when I said that he reminds me of a sleestak at times lol. Yes, sleestak as in the Land of the Lost tv show years ago.
...him opening the door to get one of the evil sticks out. Me...hiding in the corner, thinking that I was somewhat safe there, silly me.
...the first time he pushed his coffee cup toward me. He didn't say a word. I filled up his coffee cup and was so happy to do so. It was the first time I met him. We talked until 5am that morning. He drank a whole pot of coffee to stay up. He is a day person, I work 12hr nights. We didn't do anything...just talked. Yes, really.
...the time we went to dinner after the "cough drop incident". How I kept glancing at him, worrying about being in trouble. Him...enjoying dinner as always, laughing, having a good time. After we came home, how his facial features changed when he said something to the effect of...."I hope the cough drop was worth it." Then he proceeded to correct my poor choice in regards to my behavior.
...him telling me that I get an "A" for effort, "C" for taste, when I made my first loaf of banana bread. How heartbroken I was when he said that it reminded him of rotten bananas lol. What can I say, he is always blunt and honest with me. I mentioned to him before we met that I didn't know how to cook.
...him grabbing me by my hair, not saying a word as he pushes me to his room to correct my behavior early in the morning before he went to work. My world changed that morning so it will always be a special day to me.

So many images of the times that I have spent with him run through my mind. These are just some of them. It helps me deal with missing him. Let's just say that I have played this song a lot lately. I hope Thursday comes quickly.




 



12/7/2010 2:52:05 AM
"Suck."

He grabs my hair. Pushes my head down, making my mouth move in whatever manner he wishes. Sometimes I struggle, trying to get a breath of air. Sometimes he let's me have that breath, other times not. Then he says one single word..."Suck." and slaps my face while his other hand still has a tight grip of my hair. I look forward to hearing him say that one word. It is because I know that he will slap my face within seconds after saying it and I try even harder to please him. Sometimes it is just one slap, sometimes it is a few. And if he says the word again, I know another slap will follow...

And to my amazement, when he a hits me with the evil stick in the midst of all that....it makes me _____________ *pleads the fifth*.

12/6/2010 7:19:31 AM
From now on, I am not allowed to delete any of my journal entries. I just reread what I previously wrote during my half asleep moment and ....he is somewhat right. Maybe I should stay away from my laptop when I am half asleep, missing him, and looking for his approval. Apparently it was a "mushy" moment, but he isn't going to hold it against me. :)

12/6/2010 3:00:56 AM
"When the walls come tumblin' down...When the walls come crumblin' crumblin"...When the walls come tumblin' tumblin' down......."

This is my first attempt at a M/s relationship. Actually, this is my first relationship with someone who has a Dominant personality at the core of his being. He is who he says he is. He doesn't just talk the talk, his actions back up what he says. Since meeting him six months ago, I feel so "new". I am not a "newbie" in the bdsm world, but I am a "newbie" when it comes to an adult relationship within the M/s dynamic.

We all read/hear/talk about communication, regardless of what side of the coin we are on, whether you are a sub/slave or Dominant/Master. But even though it is shouted from the rooftops about how communication is paramount, many do not even understand what the concept means. I am guilty of that myself. I keep things inside, I build walls, I become distant. Since my childhood, I have been with emotionally unattached people, it continued through my adult life until now. I am learning what it is like to be with someone who takes the time to talk to you, to explain things. I understand it is not a democracy, that it is a dictatorship, that it isn't fair. I understand that it is "His way". I need that dynamic in my life. At the same time, I wanted to be with someone who would help me to learn and grow in this type of dynamic. He does just that. I cannot put into words how grateful I am for his patience in regards to my shortcomings.

I wrote a journal entry yesterday about my emotional self being hurt. I deleted it for reasons that he knows of. When I did, I got an email saying..."You didn't delete anything, cunt." in the subject line...dated Sunday, December 5, 2010 10:53 AM. In that email was my journal entry...every single word of it.

I am copying it back here to remind myself how lucky I am to be in a relationship with him. Whenever I read it, it will remind me of the time he brought me back to where I need to be...so that I can serve him to the best of my ability. He accepts me for who I am, even my faults. On the phone, he said that we are going to have a wonderul life together. Yes Master, we are. I am a lucky cunt indeed.

Yes, I am getting a beating when I see him. He already told me that, multiple times. I deserve it.

12/5/2010 8:42:41 AM [Report Entry

]
Maybe if I had a beating, all would be right in my world.

There is a saying that I try to always keep in the back of my mind. It is something along the line of... "Make sure that your future self will not regret what your present self does...."

At the present time, I am having a difficult time doing just that...

When you are in service to someone, your world revolves around that person. They want obedience, you are to do what you are told etc. Everything you do is connected to him in some way especially when you are in his presence.  It is about the  Dominant/Master, not the submissive/slave. I understand that. So, I guess it surprises me when someone doesn't seem to understand why it is difficult when I am not there. When circumstances come about that keeps you away from that person, it is hard. I am not there to be of service, to be used for his enjoyment. For me, it makes me feel like I am not useful when I am away. During my days off from work, I have been keeping busy and taking care of things that I need to do here at my apartment. I thought I was doing ok.

Being away is not what is causing my turmoil. It is something that was said to me by him.

I am not always smart. My brain tells me that it wasn't meant in that way. But my emotional self feels differently. And right now, whether I like it or not, my emotional self rules over my logical self. I have tried to over rule the emotional part of me, but haven't had much luck with it.

Being sensitive is a curse. There are times when I am too sensitive. Apparently that is where I am at this time. I don't communicate well during those times. I tend to withdraw, build walls and then retreat to the so-called "safety" of these walls. In doing so, I become more distant...

Yes, I know it doesn't help resolve the situation, but it is the only way that I know how to cope for now. It doesn't make it right. It is just me being honest about how I am.

I am not looking to be "coddled" in any way. I am just trying to find a way to communicate where I am right now. So, for now, I will try to keep busy so my emotional self has time to work out the hurt that I feel.

I know what I am trying to say, it just isn't coming out in the manner that I wish it to...I am just frustrated and yes, here comes that word again, hurt. Lack of sleep doesn't help either...

Yes, a beating would help me tremendously right now.





11/29/2010 12:19:37 AM

There are many thankful cunts here....I am one of them.

Being able to spend the Thanksgiving holidays with him made my heart sing. It was so special to me for so many reasons. I had to come home Sunday evening because of my work schedule this week. I miss him. I miss him so much that I can't sleep right now.

I am very thankful for being able to spend the last five days with him. At the same time, I am having a hard time dealing with being away from him. I am teary eyed. I miss hearing him say..."cunt". I miss the way that he pushes his coffee cup to let me know that he wants a refill. I miss him saying that it is time to go to bed. I miss feeling his hand grabbing my hair. I miss him calling for me and me being so nervous that I can hardly look at him. There are so many things that I miss...

And somehow, much to my surprise, I feel as if I had a beating...it would help me feel better...

 

 

 

 




11/16/2010 3:15:05 PM

Since meeting him in June, I have spent over 80 days with him...in person. Not all days were easy. The evil aluminum rod has met my body on an up close and personal basis quite a few times as well as the other evil sticks that he has in his possession. These moments happened due to complications that I was experiencing. He is very good at helping me "see the light" so to speak.

I am thankful for each and every day that I have been able to spend with him. Yes, even the days when the aluminum rod is involved.


11/12/2010 4:05:14 PM

 

Relationship building...

He called to say it was ok to do something that I asked permission to do on Thursday. If it happens, it will help in obtaining one of our goals. At the same time, it means I will have to wait one additional day to see him.

Am torn...

I feel guilty for even asking, though my intentions are sincere.




11/5/2010 12:31:09 AM

Cunt...How can one word be so hauntingly beautiful?...

When he grabs me by the hair and pushes/pulls me toward the direction of his choosing, I find myself feeling different emotions. My initial response is fear. More so, when it is totally unexpected. Not "fear" where I believe that I am in harm's way, but it is the feeling of fear just the same. I find myself feeling as though I can barely breathe. My mind is turning a mile a minute trying to figure out an escape route lol! Escaping is not an option, but my mind hasn't quite figured that part out yet. Thankfully, my body doesn't automatically listen to my mind and tries to take flight, though, it has done so on occasion. A definite mistake...

Fear is a powerful emotion that just doesn't disappear on it's own. I can't just make it go away and I have tried. It paralyzes me at times. Then he will say one word and I will feel some of my fear being alleviated. That word is cunt. It is not the word itself, it is the way that he says it. It is hauntingly beautiful. The tone of his voice. The way that he looks at me. The forceful slap. The grip of his hand on my chin. Then he says that word again......cunt. It is just as melodic in tone as the time before.

Hearing him say that one simple word helps to calm me in some way. I don't know why but it does. I still feel the fear...but it changes in nature. It becomes a delicious mixture of fear and anticipation. There is still a part of me that gets scared because he is a Sadist, but I also find myself wanting him to do evil wicked things to me because it pleases him to do so. I find myself asking him to please touch the areas that he just marked. I find myself asking him to please do it again because I know how much he enjoys it. And during these moments, I feel my devotion to him expanding slowly to another level...


10/19/2010 4:48:22 PM

I am a very lucky girl cunt.

He may be "the mean man in the nice skin with the evil stick" but I wouldn't want him any other way. He is sadistic and controlling. He also possesses the qualities of kindness and compassion. There is no pretense with him.

I have not met anyone like him...

I still wonder at times if I can be what he wants and needs in a slave. I wonder if I can become masochistic enough so he can enjoy his sadistic side to the fullest. I am not perfect. I second guess myself at times. I also know that I am capable of learning from my mistakes. He makes me want to strive to be a better person, a better slave.

In June, we met for a nsa dinner. That was when our relationship began evolving. When talking about relationships, he said..."The best laid plans often fail badly, and I believe that you know that I am worth a little bit of risk. I believe that you are worth that risk to me."

I am so glad that I took that risk. I am incredibly blessed to have him in my life.

 


10/11/2010 10:57:09 PM
The Antenna...

This past Sunday, he was working on his son's car. Now, an antenna has found a new home.....his bedroom. When I saw it in his hand as he was walking toward his room, I know more than a few expletives went through my head. It was placed on the dresser in plain sight. I found myself staring at it multiple times when I was alone. Later, he told me to come into his bedroom. My first thought was that he wanted to try it out on me. I was worried...really worried. He found that amusing apparently because today he mentioned that he loves the look that comes over me when I think I am about to get my ass beat. How it is precious.

About a month ago, while I was in a junkyard for the first time, he mentioned how he would like to beat me with an antenna. I knew he was serious, but I thought I was safe because we didn't leave with one. I know it was silly of me to think in that way. I can be delusional at times. Now he has one. I forgot about that conversation until Sunday.

I am scared of the antenna. I know he will use it on me, just like the cable, the aluminum rods, the shock collar and other evil implements that he has come across.

I understand that I have to accept that it will be used on me.....But.....how do you work past the fear?


9/15/2010 9:58:41 PM
"If it's not the whorish little cunt's fault then whose fault can it be?"~ Him


7/13/2010 9:48:02 PM
The Noose...

Made of 3/4" thick manilla rope...rough, itchy.

How ominous it looked as it hung from the ceiling in his darkened bedroom.

I didn't even see the noose when I initially walked in. Another one of those..."Am oblivious to my surroundings" moment. I remember just feeling a bit relieved when I glanced briefly over to his bed and there was nothing laying on it. Silly me...

I didn't think he would put it around my neck, let alone tighten it. Somehow I convinced myself of that or tried to. But he did. My wrists, in black leather cuffs, were bound behind me.

Sometimes, I twirled around like a princess ballerina in a music box while he used different evil implements on me.

At one point, he turned my face like he does when he is getting ready to slap me. Slaps that come in hard, fast, rapid succession. I have been slapped many times before..even while a belt was tightened around my neck. Never a noose...until now.


After awhile, he lowered the noose, which was still around my neck. Telling me to get on my knees. Putting my mouth to good use.

Am definitely a lucky girl...





7/9/2010 4:43:13 PM
Old Worn Razor Strop...

Hanging in his pantry, in plain sight.

How I totally missed seeing it there is beyond my comprehension. Though I am oblivious to things around me at times, as he is finding out.

But now...I know it is there.

Just the thought of it, turns me into a puddle of girl goo.

He says that it is there so he can sharpen his knives. So does that mean that my "princess side" is safe?? I don't think so...





6/26/2010 6:35:52 PM

Watersports...

During daylight...his backyard, being told to kneel in front of him, on dirt, so I can taste his piss as well as clean him up before he buttoned up his jeans...

Totally hot...

More...please...more.

I hope he let's me do it again.

6/26/2010 4:07:49 PM
"Saturday may be princess day, but princess could get a startling demotion."

Him...calling me a princess is an inside joke.
Him...giving me a startling demotion is not.
I adore him for that.


Sometimes, he enjoys knocking the smile right off of my face. He told me that himself. My "princess side" can attest to that.

And guess what? I do too...



6/17/2010 12:52:21 AM
Kindness is definitely not a weakness...

During my drive home in the early hours of Monday morning, I found myself reflecting on the events this past weekend. I realized that I didn't give someone, who has been very kind and patient with me, the respect that he deserves. It wasn't done intentionally. But that doesn't matter, it happened just the same. I enjoyed the time that I spent with him, knew that from the first meeting. But it wasn't until this particular drive home that I realized how much I truly enjoyed his company. Fortunately for me, he accepted my apology. I love spending time with him, even when he was displeased with me. Because...without these chain of events, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Not too long ago, he said...."The best laid plans often fail badly, and I believe that you know that I am worth a little bit of risk. I believe that you are worth that risk to me."


I am lucky to have him in my life...truly lucky indeed.


Thank you T....

2/2/2010 12:29:36 PM
Into the skin...
an imprint of a chain link fence becomes embedded.
an excoriation from weathered wood comes into formation.
an abrasion made by a brick wall transforms into reddish streaks.

What else needs to be added to the mix?


the smell of fear...

9/29/2009 2:43:16 AM
When asked what my definitions and limits were in regards to humiliation, degradation and objectification...

My response was...

"I love to be pleasing...so my definitions and limits in regards to each of these desires would only be limited to what the one who owns me wishes them to be. It is that simple. It is for me anyways."

 

9/27/2009 5:56:00 PM
Humiliation, degradation, objectification are aspects that I haven't delved into very much. It is not due to lack of interest on my part because I am quite intrigued by the whole concept. It is more on the slope of finding someone to share that side of myself...the dirty girl. To be stripped down to the core of one's being. To be shown that one can learn to embrace it. As for being comfortable with it, I will never be comfortable with it. At the same time, to be pleasing in that way is something that I strive for.

-more on this later...


9/27/2009 2:51:02 PM
I know this quote has been "overused" to a large extent by many, but it is still one of my favorites...

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, at his bidding." ~Anais Nin

9/27/2009 2:31:34 PM
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. ~ Dorothy Parker (when asked to use horticulture in a sentence...)



8/31/2009 3:36:45 PM
Upon a few unforeseen chain of events...

I have learned that...
being an alarm clock is my morning ambition.

What I aspire during the day
is to be a hockey puck...

To be hit with the velocity of a slap shot
To be hit with the accuracy of a wrist shot
To be hit with the effectiveness of a backhand shot

To be hit with the creativity of a breakaway

To be hit with the element of surprise of a deke


Let me just say in regards to the use of hockey terms...
"Father, please forgive me for the wrongs that I have done and for those that I am about to do."

8/24/2009 6:09:13 PM
Sometimes...
I want to be like an alarm clock.
Smacked like a snooze button
and thrown against the wall.

~~~

 

8/9/2009 6:07:23 AM
dirty girl
just a dirty girl...

control me
use me
indulge yourself
be true to who you are...

in a consensual
non-consent manner...
make me beg
plead with my eyes
even as tears stream down
don't be swayed
for I truly do not wish
to have my way...

things that have haunted me
all of these years
when it becomes my reality
it will fulfill my darkest dreams
as well as ease my fears...

just a dirty girl
your dirty girl...

1/29/2009 5:14:23 PM
This is not the Cleavers
I am not June

so

Please slap my whorish mouth
just because you want to

I, like many others here,
am hoping
to find someone
who truly understands
how I am.

7/12/2008 11:40:23 AM
"Sir, I am here for your entertainment."

These are words that I hope to say in the future. Submission is not a gift. It is not something you can put in a box and wrap with a pretty bow.
It is part of who a person is. It comes from the core of one's being. It isn't about what I want, it is about being pleasing.  If it is a gift, then is Dominance a gift too? I think not.



6/29/2008 4:45:52 PM
In this medium, I believe only a gifted writer can truly express what they want to say about themselves so that the person who is reading it will see it in the way that it was truly originally written. This "box" only gives a small glimpse into the core of a person, but at the same time, what is written here may play a major role in whether one communicates to another on this site and continues to do so once initial contact is made. I do not see myself as a gifted writer, so am struggling with what to place on my profile here.



5/30/2008 4:28:57 AM
When I see fireworks,
it reminds me of the colors
 of a perfect bruise.


5/29/2008 3:34:28 AM
Nothing is more beautiful than...

smeared mascara and lipstick along with a stream of tears...

amongst other things






5/16/2008 3:24:55 PM
When you hear her scream, does it make you feel warm inside?

5/13/2008 4:02:31 AM
How wonderful it must be... to be able to "expose" oneself with words.  To be given the opportunity to share glimpses of your soul. 

Yet these words presently evade me.
An empty space can be so deafening.

At the same time, I have a burning to find that certain place, a place where even in my darkest fears, I learn to dance.

Hopefully, I will be able to find the words to "expose" myself.  Then again, maybe it is not the inability to find these words.

Shyness is a curse...


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janecru01
 
 Age: 28
  Kansas