I love it when you call someone out on blatant lies on their profile (like that they claim the subs in the pictures are theirs so they block out the face only to do a google image search and find out they are stock footage on porn sites) and they use such creative insults as "fat worthless ass" (sic).

Please, it is SO easy to find out if you are using stock pictures from porn sites, you should not be surprised when people call you a liar when they are the ONLY pictures on your profile page.  It makes you look like a pathetic joke.

It always makes me laugh when the desktop "doms" feel the need to come out from under their rock to insult me and block me.

Really?  I'm fat and stupid?  Is that REALLY the best you've got? LOL

This says FAR more about you than it does about me.  What it tells me is that you  liked my picture enough to want to open the profile, and then when you found out I wasn't available, you got butthurt so you felt the need to TRY to insult me to make yourself feel better.  

Just received the following email:

My response (if he hadn't been such a coward to block me...seriously dude, I bet you light dog shit on fire on someone's front porch, ring the bell and runaway too):


Wow, pre-emptive butthurt because you will never get a piece of ass as fine as mine.

Seriously, though.  Is "fat, stupid cow" the best you've got?  Elementary school kids have more creative insults than that.|


LOL

The butthurt is strong on the domly side tonight.  Loser decides to disrespect Master and is too stupid to wonder how I got his real name and cell number when he never gave it to me.  

CM's functions can be quite user-friendly, but one area where it isn't is the ability to change your username. It seems that some people don't realize that once you choose your username here at CM that it is your username for the life of your account (CM doesn't allow you to change it). 

I like this account.  My Master likes this account. I have a posting history on the message boards on this account.  For these reasons I have chosen not to abandon this account to start a new one under a different username. 

I find it rather rude when men who are too old for me (in their 60s) and too far away (in FL) who like to think of themselves as big ole' daddies feel they have the right to tell an owned slave to change her username.  That is rather disrespectful to me AND to my Master, particularly when I state in my headline that I'm owned and no longer searching.  Rather than just move on, they get their knickers in a twist and proceed to tell me to change my name.  Guess what cupcake, you ain't the boss of me.  If HE wanted me to get rid of this account, I would, but HE doesn't, so I won't.  You ain't HIM.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

*************************************

I feel blessed to be considered yours, my Sir.  When we speak, I have never felt so cherished and owned.

What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult? 

I was reading a book with this question in it, and it made me think.  I find it easier to be fairly open with people who don’t matter so much to me.  The more important you are to me, the harder it is to be open and vulnerable…I have too much to lose so I try to pick and choose my words carefully.  I’ve never been in a relationship where I felt so safe that I could be vulnerable all the time, but I want that.  I want to be so close and feel so secure in His love that I can always trust that being vulnerable is safe.  Feeling unsafe or insecure can be the death knell to a relationship, vanilla or otherwise.

Honesty, integrity, and character lead to security and trustworthiness.  Be a person of your word.  If you say you are going to do something, do it.  Be who you say you are.  Even white lies can taint.  If I feel safe I can tell you anything.  Do this for me and I'll return the favor.

A new day….I must have been exhausted because when I finally laid down in bed I passed out.  I don’t even remember my dreams (which is rather unfortunate because they probably were pretty hot).

I’m feeling rather helpless lately.  So many friends and family are having challenges (health, marital, economic, etc.), and all I want to do is make those issues go away for them.  I want to make it better.  That is part of my nature, to want to take care of those I care for.  But for many of them, there is nothing I can do but to listen and to care, and it feels as if it isn’t enough.  I can’t make brain cancer leave a 17-yr old body.  I can’t do anything for a needed root canal several hundred miles away.  I can’t do anything to ease the grief of a family who lost their 10-day old son.  There is a war going on in my heart and soul:  one side says to accept that I can’t fix everything for everyone and the other says I should be able to.  I will have to find a way to content myself with offering prayers and good wishes and a shoulder for those who are grieving and hurting.  OK…enough with the pity party…time to move on…my five minutes are up ;)

***************************

At a diner down on Broadway they make small talk
When she brings his eggs and fills his coffee cup
He jokes about his love life
And tells her he's 'bout ready to give up
That's when she says,"I've been there before
Keep on lookin''
Cause maybe who you're lookin' for is..."

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody

Across town in a crowded elevator
He can't forget the things that waitress said
He usually reads the paper
But today he reads a stranger's face instead
It's that blue-eyed girl
From two floors up
Maybe she's the one
Maybe he could fall in love with

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shopT
hat you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there
Is somebody

Now they laugh about the moment that it happened
A moment they'd both missed until that day
When he saw his future in her eyes
Instead of just another friendly face
And he wonders why
He searched so long
When she was always there at that diner waiting on

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shopT
hat you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there
Is somebody




Or maybe that somebody is on CollarMe?  Is my Sir here on CM? 

Thirteen days until I fly across the pond.  I’m excited about what this trip can bring (included much needed quality time with my goddaughter).  New sights, sounds, tastes.  A kiss to the Blarney stone and a much needed Guinness at the Storehouse.  Running through the countryside in the morning with the dew still on the ground.  Time with old friends and meeting new ones.

The trip over should be rather uneventful since it is an overnight flight (just need some Benedryl and a glass of wine and a sleep mask).  Then when I wake up it should be short work getting through customs and into a cab to my friend’s house for breakfast.  Then it is ten days of touring (with two “free” days in Kilkenny and in Dublin) before heading home.

The only downside of this trip will be a decided lack of privacy ;)  I might have to purchase a few, very small and discreet toys for this trip, just to keep the edge off.  They will, of course, go in my carry-on.

What to bring, what to bring?  Ireland, from what I hear, is a quite casual place, but I’m not that casual (I only own one pair of shorts).  I’m more feminine than that, preferring skirts and dresses to pants/shorts.  Maybe only one pair of versatile heels and one pair of walking shoes (shoes can get heavy in a suitcase).  I definitely have to leave room for things that I’m bringing home.  I want to get a lot of Christmas shopping done while I’m over there ;)

One other thing I will miss is contact from my CM friends.  My internet access will be minimal, but I’ll be sure to give my cell phone number to those who need it (that I’m communicating with off site) so that we can at least text, if not chat.  It’s different from my regular cell because my Blackberry won’t work overseas.

Happy Independence Day to my fellow US citizens (here and abroad)!

Independence Day.....it can be significant for many reasons.  Yes, it established the founding of our country, but we can have an Independence Day every day.  We can free ourselves from internal tyranny…freedom from self-doubt and from bad habits.  This is how we build character, by taking control of ourselves and our choices.

I don't buy the lines in magazines
That tell me what I've gotta be
Don't base my life on a movie screen
Don't fit the mold society
Has Planned

I don't need to be 19 years old
Or starve myself for some weight I'm told
Will turn men's heads, been down that road
And I thank God I finally know
Just who I am

I ain't a movie star
May never see the view from where they are
And this old town may be as far as I'm goin'
But what he'll hold tonight in his hands
He swears is so much better than
Anything this old world
Can show him

Cause I'm a real live woman
In love with this man I see lyin' here next to me
Lost in the way that he's holdin'
This real live woman
In the arms of a man where I'll fall asleep knowin' there's
Nothin' on earth he loves more than
This real live woman

I work 9-5 and I can't relate
To millionaires who somehow fate
Has smiled upon and fortune made their
Common lives a better place to be
And I no longer justify
Reasons for the way that I behave
I offer no apologies
For the things that I believe and say
And I like it that way

Cause I'm a real live woman
In love with this man I see lyin' here next to me
Lost in the way that he's holdin'
This real live woman
In the arms of a man where I'll fall asleep knowin' there's
Nothin' on earth he loves more than
This real live woman

******************

I am finding that self-acceptance is a big part of this “lifestyle”.  If you cannot embrace who you are and accept it, whether dom or sub, then you cannot be happy.

This journey of self-acceptance can come with a price.  Sometimes that price is time, and you can never get that back.  I really wouldn’t want to be 21 again if it meant losing all the ground I’ve gained in the realm of knowing who and what I am.  Sometimes that price is a scar, whether physical or emotional.  

We all have baggage going into a relationship.  It is called a past.  The question then becomes, does it fit into a carryon that you can manage yourself, or do you need a porter to drag it all behind you?  

It may sound odd to people to think that I have gone without sex for over 10 years, but it really wasn’t fair to someone new to have to act as the porter for my baggage.  It took that long to whittle it down until it fit into a carryon.  It is my baggage.  I own it and it is my job to carry it.  I can’t expect someone new to “fix” me.  Yes, I would love someone to be able to lean on when that bag feels heavier than normal, but it is still my bag filled with my life choices.  There is no one to blame but me for those choices.

For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling beautiful, sexy, vibrant, and like I have something to bring to the table in a relationship.  I’m enjoying this journey and who I am today..a Real Live Woman.

Well, the search continues.  This isn't a bad thing.  

I flew to PHX and met him, and we parted as good friends.  While the spark between us was amazing online and on the phone, it was just....different.....in person.  He is a good man, just not the man for me.  I'm a little disappointed that it didn't work out (as is he), but such is life.  Being involved with him would have brought HUGE changes to my life, and this may be God's way of saying "not now...not him".  So, I cut the trip short, turned around and came home.  Only one night in Phoenix, not five.

So, now I'm back in NJ...just landed a little while ago and waiting for the train to take me home.  In the meantime there are three far more local gentlemen who have caught my eye (and I seem to have caught theirs), I shall wait and see what happens.  No more pulling the profile until after we have met in person and confirmed that we will nurture a relationship between us.  To do anything else is premature.

Gate 113.  Newark International Airport.  Almost two hours until departure. (about an hour before boarding).  Morning went pretty smoothly, though the ticket machine at the local train station ate my money and I had to spend time getting a refund at Newark Penn Station.  Just a minor glitch (not a big deal in the grand scheme of things).

Nothing around this gate but a Sam Adams Brew Club (which is closed) and a newsstand.  There is a bird stuck in the terminal, chirping away….trying to scare people off I think (protecting a nest?).  Crying baby in a stroller nearby.  It will be a l-o-n-g flight if he does not settle down on the plane.  I do not mind noisy babies in general, but when they are crying and upset, I just want to comfort them.  Part of the nurturer in me… when people are unhappy I want to fix it for them.

I love to people watch at the airport…seeing fathers carrying their spitting image (son) in their arms to bring them to the window to watch the airplanes take off and land.  The pure joy in the little one’s face is such fun to watch. Lifts my spirits.  I wonder why these people are on this flight with me….is their final destination the same as mine?  Are they traveling on business or pleasure?  Visiting family?  Lovers?  Are they visiting or going home?

Daddy does not seem to be feeling well today.  Hope a little tender loving care will help (once I get there). The massage oil is in my bag so maybe that will help.  If I can soothe his aches and pains maybe he will feel better.

Did I say how excited I am to be seeing him?  As if you could not tell.  That is all I have been writing about lately.  I have been positively giddy.  When I tell my friends about him, my face just lights up and they start laughing at (with?) me.  When I told my friend Trupti about this trip (we were chatting on the phone this morning) she could tell that something was up.  Her parting words were “Have fun!!”  I definitely intend to.

In sixteen hours or so, I will be boarding an airplane to visit Big Daddy.  I am 95% packed (just the incidentals need to go into one of my bags).  It is difficult to put into words how excited (and a little anxious) I am.  Is the morning going to speed by before I get on the plane or will it drag?  Once I am in the air, will I be daydreaming about this trip and seeing Big Daddy or will I be able to lose myself in an in-flight movie?

I will be at the airport very early so I will stop at the d’parture spa and get a fresh pedicure before getting on the airplane.  I will choose a really nice red for the toes, and love getting the feet all smooth and soft.  Then, after I land I will don the corset, hose and heels (when the polish is sure to be completely dry) for my trek to the hotel.  After I get on the shuttle, I will text Big Daddy to let him know I have landed and am on my way to my hotel.

Once at the hotel, I hope that I can get some groceries ordered and delivered quickly so I can make dinner otherwise we will have to go out to eat (or eat at the manager’s reception).

What will the rest of the long weekend hold?  I know I will be spending time in/at the pool and hot tub.  I will also be spending time on the jogging and bike paths. I hope to be spending some time off property as well.  I would like to see a bit of the surrounding area, to see what it might be like to live around there.  While I have visited all of the East Coast, I have only lived in NJ and CT.  Of course, I would like to see some of the touristy things, but I would like to see the local point of view as well.  What is off the beaten path? Is this a place I could see myself living?

Is there a place where we can watch fireworks on the Fourth of July?  I can imagine that the traffic might be terrible with it being a holiday weekend and that there will be a lot of police patrolling (and probably not in a good mood because they have to work a holiday weekend).  Will we go to some of his local favorite haunts?  Will he introduce me to any of his friends? Will this be a very solitary visit, just the two of us escaping from the world for a short time to enjoy each other?

Whatever this holiday weekend brings, I just want to enjoy it for what it is.

Less than twenty-four hours until I head for the airport….the anticipation is palpable.  Will he be disappointed in what he sees?  Will I?  Will the chemistry be there?

  
I dreamt of him last night…of his hands in my hair, gently touching my face, grabbing me around the waist and pulling me close.  My hands on him, stroking his body, feeling his muscles under my palms and fingertips, feeling the tension release from him as he relaxes into my touch.  My arms feeling like home for him.  His musky, male scent wafting through my senses, intoxicating me.

I do not want to build up a fantasy of this man… I want to know the reality of him.  Fantasies can only lead to disappointments.  I know he is not perfect, but is he perfect for me?  Can I embrace his faults?  I know I am far from perfect; will he be able to handle my quirks and foibles?  Will I be able to inspire greatness in him?  
I am trying to keep my expectations realistic for this trip, but I am a bit of a dreamer and I know how to dream big <G>.  I want it all.  I want love, commitment, a family of my own.  The rest is just trappings.

In the meantime, I need to focus on today.  What do I need to do today to prepare myself to be the woman I want to be?  I need to focus on being healthy in mind, body, and spirit.  I need to focus on decreasing stress and increasing health.  So, what are some of the ways I can do this?  Well, I can make sure that my home is a welcoming place for when I return… I can leave contact information for friends and family.  I can eat only whole foods, focusing on fresh fruits and vegetables (making sure I get all the antioxidants and vitamins I need).  I can plan as well as I can, and leave the rest to God.

Well, in less than 38 hours I will be leaving to visit Big Daddy.  I’m really looking forward to this trip, and now that it is so close he seems to be as well.  I was getting a little nervous there that he didn’t care one way or the other if I showed up.

Tomorrow I finish the laundry, finish packing, and check-in/print out the boarding pass.  Thursday I get to the airport in plenty of time to get through security.  I hope I’m not chosen by the TSA for further inspection…..I’ve been told to wear a skirt and no panties.  Then again, maybe I can charge them with sexual harassment if they start groping me. <G>

I still have to plan menus and figure out how to buy groceries once I’m checked into the hotel room (I know the hotel has a grocery service so I think I‘ll call them and give them my list and credit card info).  I know to keep things simple and non-spicy.  Should I make marinara (he can bring home any leftover sauce if he likes it)?  Maybe lasagna one night and spaghetti two-to-three days later for using the sauce (or Chicken Parm).  Definitely need fresh fruits and veggies, even if I’m the only one eating them.  Bottled water.  Diet soda.  Maybe some beer/wine/vodka and martini mixer.

Sweet Almond Oil is a must.  Great for homemade salad dressings (for me) and perfect as a massage oil.  I’m *really* looking forward to the massages…running my hands all over his body releasing any tightness or knots.  The biggest compliment would be for him to fall asleep on my bed during a massage.  If that happened, I would just let him sleep for a while.  Candles, must pack candles and matches.  Hotel rooms usually are pretty stale, and they give a nice, calming, relaxing glow in a room that is lit by nothing but candlelight.  Great way to help unwind, particularly if there is a nice, clean scent.
Have to put together a packing list…figure out what I’m bringing.  I’ll only need two sets of workout clothes because they have laundry facilities.  Definitely a dress (need to get the garter belt and stockings), shorts, my corset, pretty bras, and several tops that can be worn with my skirt and several pairs of high heels.  I love heels, but don’t wear them if I’m planning on doing a lot of walking.  

I really think we could be good for each other.  I just hope we are as good, if not better, in person than we are online/over the phone.

Look at me, you may think you see who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day it’s as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world what’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me
Why is my reflection someone I
Don’t know
Must I pretend I’m someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel
Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide
I won’t pretend that I’m
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside

 *************************** 

Masks……we all wear them at some point. Sometimes to hide from the world, and sometimes to hide from ourselves and our wants, our desires, our needs. If we can hide from those desires then we don’t have to go after them. Ignorance is not always bliss. I think I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Numbness is a form of self-punishment when we use it to hide from ourselves. 

My submission is hidden behind a mask to shield it from the world and from the unscrupulous who don’t understand it and want to prey on it. I find that I trust way too quickly and easily sometimes. I go rushing in where angels fear to trod. I let my heart lead. To the outside world, I can be seen as a confident, fairly successful woman. I don’t let them see my need to be possessed and cherished. After all, that isn’t what a modern woman is supposed to seek, right? We’ve been told for decades now that we can have it all, and all at the same time. It is a lie I’ve been spoonfed since I was a child. When you try to have it all, all at the same time, something has to suffer; it might be the career, it might be the family, and more often than not it is the self. I don’t want to be the leader. I don’t want to be the one in charge. And it is these things, these hidden desires, that are often hidden behind the mask, shielded from the world so that it doesn’t get trampled on and mistreated. But the eyes of my mate are the mirror in which I find the reflection of my true desires and in those eyes I find his true desires match up to mine. I find the woman I am meant to be.

I hate when things remain up in the air.  I hate uncertainty.  I like things in black and white; shades of grey make me nervous.  However, when I find out that children have terminal diagnoses, it breaks my heart, whether I am close to them or not.  They buried my friend’s 10-day old son today, and then I find out that a 17-yr old girl close to my sister and brother-in-law is going to die in the next 1-to-2 months.  My nephew’s girlfriend lost her mother earlier this year.  Death is so permanent and it is sad when loved ones are left behind.  Parents are not supposed to outlive their children.  Nevertheless, life does go on.  It is part of the life cycle; that cycle is just shorter for some of us than for others.  Some people take longer to grieve than others.  One of my best friends started grieving the death of her son upon his diagnosis.  She was realistic about his prognosis and came to terms with it fairly early.  The odds were against this child.  Gabriel lived 10 days longer than anyone ever expected him to.  All he knew in his short life was love.  I’m grateful to her for sharing him and his story with so many who had never heard of his diagnosis.  

I have been accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face.  I am guilty as charged.  It is one of the things that I both love and hate about me, my sense of empathy.  When I love, I love freely and as if I have never been hurt.  When I hurt, I cry and try to heal and move on.  When I am angry, the whole world knows it.  When I am sick, I hole up in my room until I feel better (generally).  I dance as if no one is watching.  I find great joy in this world, in both big and small things.  When people are hurting, I want to fix it, and yet I have to come to terms with the fact that not everything can be fixed.

I was at the doctor’s office this morning, and saw so many pregnant women.  I am always in awe of their swollen belly filled with new life.  It sometimes makes me a little jealous but I am always happy for them.  I see the expectant joy on their faces and want to share in that joy.  I wonder what it would be like to feel the first flutters of a kick.  To hear my child’s heartbeat for the first time. To trace their arm on my belly as he tries to turn over.  I hope to have that one day with their father beside me, embracing that new life within me and looking forward with joy when we meet face to face.  I wait for the day when I can say to them “Welcome to the world, wee one… I love you.”

I used to think that life was all about the Joneses
Trying to find a way to just keep up some how
I had to have it, do it, be it, had to own it
A little secret that I finally figured out

We spend so much time climbing up the ladder
And then we're missing all the things that really matter

[Chorus:]
I've got my two feet on the ground
Breathin' in and breathin' out
Oh yeah
Life is good
I'm gonna grab on to today
Live every minute in the way I know I should
Life is good

I like to move, I like to run, I like to get it done
Or I can stay home on the couch and watch TV
Give me sunshine, give me rain, it makes no difference to me
It's all the same, all the same to me
Call me simple, call me crazyI believe that it's all in what we make yah

[Repeat chorus]

Call me simple, call me crazyI believe that it's all in what we make yah

[Repeat chorus (out)]

*************
To me, this song is about living in the moment.  Learning to just be and to be happy wherever we are.  I think God gives us tests, and we keep repeating the test until we get it right.  I’ve been accused of being a worry wart, and he is right; I am.  Maybe that’s because I’ve always had to be.  I’m a planner; I like to know what is going to happen when.  But life doesn’t work that way…it is constantly throwing curve balls, and lately I’ve needed a lot of batting practice for it.  

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, and now I have to wait for one of the test results.  I have to believe that whichever way the test results turn out (and any resulting crimps in my schedule), things will turn out the way that they are supposed.  I can’t worry about what I can’t control.  Living one day at a time is difficult for me.  It is something I’m going to struggle with all the time.  But the struggle is a part of the journey…it is a part of living and growing and stretching.  It’s all a part of the climb.  Some days you win your battles and some days you don’t.  And when you don’t you look to see if you learned anything.  I’ve always known I was blunt and opinionated and often temperamental.  I never realized until recently how often I stand in my own way of getting what I want and alienating people who matter.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. Anais Nin 

I don’t want to remain stagnant.  I want to grow, in my submission and as a woman.  Just as it is a struggle for the chick to peck its way out of the shell, so too is it a struggle for me to break out of my shell and become the woman I am meant to be.  It takes courage to take the journey of submission to another.  It takes an internal strength to follow another‘s lead, particularly when it feels as if you are blindfolded and cannot see the finish line.  It is not weak to be submissive.  It doesn’t make me a doormat or a piece of meat to be chewed up and spat out.  It is a conscious choice; just as loving is a conscious choice.

Is there a difference between being a slave and being submissive? I know that I am submissive, but am I cut out to be a slave?  Is the difference between them a matter of having limits?  Does having limits mean you don’t trust?  Is it wrong to seek more information when asked to do something?  Does that show a lack of trust or merely a need for understanding?  Is consistency important, both in a daddy and his baby girl? Does the fact that I have questions mean I’m not meant to be submissive or that I‘m not committed?  Does it mean that I don’t trust enough?

I don’t want to die a death of stagnancy.  I want to grow and change.  I want to trust and love.  I want to help my mate to become successful, and support him in those endeavors. I want to inspire him to be all that he can be.  I want to be his muse.  I want him to inspire in me a deeper submission.  I want him as my muse as well, to inspire in me to be a better woman; the woman I am meant to be.

I must have really pissed Daddy off.  Still no hearing from him after our disagreement.  The silence is crushing.  No comment after either journals yesterday.  No chatting. No phone call.  No CM email.

Did my journal entries disappoint him?  Have  I not shown him how sorry I am?  Or is he just too busy for me?  I don’t want to be clingy or needy.  I don’t want to be more work than I’m worth.  All I want is to hear him say “Good girl, I forgive you, don‘t change your travel plans”.  If he chooses to delay or cancel our plans, I’ll have to accept that.  I won’t have to like it, but I’ll have to accept it.

In the meantime, I hope this cold/allergies doesn’t make me completely lose my voice.  All ready it is raspy and almost non-existent.  I’ll have to try to find something to take for it, and drink plenty of fluids (lots of tea with honey).  I generally feel fine except for the cough and the sore throat.  The lack of voice means I can’t sing, which is one of my few creative outlets.  It means that I can’t prepare something special in case we go to karaoke while I’m visiting.

I came across these lyrics and it made me hopeful for possibilities with Daddy.  Maybe it is naïve of me. Maybe I’m gullible too.  But I prefer to be hopeful.  Sometimes I wish I could write music as well as sing it.

I would bet my life like I bet my heart
That you were the one, baby 
I've never been so sure of anything before 
You're driving my heart crazy 

I can't hold out I can't hold back now 
Like I've done before 
Darling look at me 
I've fallen like a fool for you 
Darling can't you see I'd do anything you want me to

 
I tell myself I'm in too deep 
Then I fall a little farther 
Every time you look at me 
How do you do that, babe? 
Make me feel like I'm the only girl alive for you 
I don't know what it is that makes me fall like this 
First time in your arms I knew 

The way you held me I knew that this could be 
What I've been waiting to find 
Darling look at me 
I've fallen like a fool for you 
Darling can't you see I'd do anything you want me to 
I tell myself I'm gettin' in too deep 
Then I fall a little farther 
Every time you look at me 
Every time you look at me 

*********************

Will I get that first time in your arms on Thursday?

I’ll be heading out to Mass for 9am.  I’m going to pray for clarity and discernment.  I feel like I’ve been praying for you since before we’ve even first communicated and that you were an answer to those prayers.  I’m hoping you feel the same way.  I want the chance to make you proud of me.  I want to take the rest of my punishment with grace, and to be proud to wear the marks you will place on my ass.

How shall I greet you at the airport, my love?  Shall I put my corset on in the ladies room before meeting you in baggage claim?  Shall we retire to the family restroom where I then strip to the waist, get on my knees and worship your cock, tonguing your heavy balls, and then deep-throating your cock, swallowing around it with my nose pressed to your pelvis, and sucking you hard as you pull out?  Massaging your balls as I suck, swallow, and thrust your cock in and out of my mouth?  Tasting your salty pre-cum, swirling my tongue around your hard staff?  Having you cum on my tongue while I look up at you, making a point of having you watch me swallow every hot, salty, musky drop, and then licking you clean before putting your cock back into your pants and have you lead me to your truck?

When I get checked into the hotel, once locking the door behind us, shall I strip and put my hands against the wall for my spanking?  Do you want me to leave the corset on, or do you want me completely nude?  Would you rather me bent over the bed?   On my hands and knees while you redden my ass?  Shall I count out each stroke and thank you for each one?  Will we do all 100 at once, one right after the other, or will you choose to break them up with other aspects of my punishment?  Will the swats be fast, one right after the other, or slow, allowing the heat to dissipate a bit after each one?  Will you enjoy seeing my ass jiggle after each swat? Will you fuck me hard afterwards from behind, admiring your handiwork on my rotund backside or leave me denied?  

If we go to dinner, will you expect me on my hands and knees under the table, sucking your turgid cock until you cum?  Will you get me drunk and fuck my face? My tits?   Will you want a blow job in the truck?  While you are driving?  On camera?  When we fuck, will it be sweet and slow or hard and fast?  Will you make me squirt or deny me orgasms?

Shall I give you a full body massage, starting with your feet, working up your calves, paying close attention to your hamstrings, followed by your glutes, lower back, arms, upper back, shoulders and neck?  Shall I have you turn over, start with your scalp and neck, working my way back down your pecs to your quads, shins to feet again until you are a relaxed bundle of jello?  And then if you get hard during this, shall I take the remaining oil in my hands and bring you relief, having you cum on my tongue so none of it is wasted? Then allow you to sleep while I do your laundry or start dinner or feed the dogs?

I want so much to please you in all ways, Daddy.  I want you to be able to relax around me and to use me to relieve any and all stress.  I want to show you that I can be the woman you seek…you need.  Allow me to show you every day, in every way, how much you mean to me.  Teach me.  Lead me.  Guide me. Own me.

I wish CM would give you notice when they are going to be down.  I could have planned better for my morning journaling (woken up earlier before they went down).  As much as I hate journaling, Daddy wants me to do it.  I think it will be a good way for him to get to understand me better.

This one will be my "morning journal" (even though it isn’t morning anymore) and I'll do my evening journal a bit later (before bed)..  I promised Daddy I would do two a day and he won't let me off easy.  

I was chatting with a friend earlier about Daddy, and she was so happy to see me happy (giddy was her word).  She's never seen me this way, but at the same time she knows I'm pretty logical and practical, even if I am generally a bit adventurous (in a vanilla way).  Out of all her friends, I’m the only one would say “hey, I want to go to Australia and see my old penpal get married” or “hey I want to run a half marathon, so I think I’ll go to Florida and then to California” and do all that travel alone.  It doesn’t shock her that I want to fly out to see Daddy.

This trip is making me a little nervous; excited but nervous.  Will the chemistry change?  Will we still want the same things?  Is my life about to change drastically?  I so very much want to see Daddy.  I’m so looking forward to the start of this adventure, and this IS an adventure.  All of life is an adventure, a journey.

I’ve started packing and trying to get stuff together for my trip.  Figure out what I still need.  Figure out what I’m going to cook for Daddy to show off my culinary skills.  I’ve given my itinerary to my friend so she knows where I’m staying and my flight details.  I just need to get a few more details from Daddy to give her.

On top of all that, now I don’t know if my trip is going to be delayed.  Daddy might want to delay it.  I feel like a failure for disappointing him so quickly.  I didn’t expect him to try to push my soft limits so quickly and I balked when he did.  I said something I shouldn’t have.  I’m so sorry, Daddy, for disrespecting you that way.  I got scared.  Instead of doing what I did, I should have asked to talk to you about it.  I got scared because in some ways this still doesn’t feel real…it feels like I’m dreaming and I don’t want to wake up.  I promise to accept the rest of my punishment graciously and without complaint.  I promise to talk to you when I get scared going forward.  I want to be your good baby girl.  I’m not a smart-ass masochist.  I want to please you and to take care of you.  I want to be the woman you originally saw in me.

You know how there are pain sluts and pleasure sluts?  I think I'm a communication slut.  I can't sit in silence.  When there is too much silence, I start thinking too much, and that just gets me in trouble.  That's when the pessimist inside takes over.

I'm trying to learn how to just "be in the moment".  I'm a planner and so this kind of conflicts with my submissive nature (after all, it is hard to plan when you are supposed to, and want to, follow another's lead).  Constant fleeting thoughts of what the future will bring.  Will it bring a new life to the forefront?  A new job?  A new home?  I'm eager to reach the future, but I don't want to miss the journey by constantly looking ahead.  

I trust Him to lead me and want to follow Him.  He is a good man; a man of strong character.  He wants the best for me and He sees things in me that I don't see in myself.

Where do I begin?  Where should I begin?  Where do we begin?

Wow....Big Daddy has asked me to start journaling.

Six days until I see him.... Can't wait... Excited (and a little nervous) about training.  I just want to please him.  It feels as if a part of me has finally come into place.  I'm looking to the future and can't believe he has chosen me to share it with.