5/6/2012 2:05:06 AM: The Velvet Glove, The Iron Fist, and the Concept of 'No Limits'   When I ask a girl what her limits are, I do it because I want her to feel as though she can be relieved that I am aware explicitly of what she is afraid of, or knows/thinks she cannot handle; and yet, I can tell a girl sometimes get anxious once she realizes how creative and devious my mind is because she thinks 'Oh my god, what if I haven't thought of all the things he might think of.  If I left something off the list because I couldn't even imagine it, he might break me when he tries it.'    At that point I try to convey to her that I think she has no limits and that she doesn't preclude me from doing anything that I don't want to do... and yet, she must understand that what I do to her, with her, what I subject her to...  I am aware that everything I do to her has consequences to her.  They evoke _some_ kind of reaction:  boredom, pleasure, pain, fear of harm or death, happiness, love, loneliness, fear of being abandoned, humiliation, etc.    Getting to know her means understanding her psychology well enough to know the consequences of not just my actions, but the consequences of evoking a particular reaction in her, or too strong of an action.  I like my sub, and I value my sub.  I'd never want to break her (like crushing that diamond), though some of what I may do is shave off just a bit here and there to make the diamond more brilliant, more valuable.    A diamond-cutter, they say, will spend months even years sometimes inspecting a diamond before the first hammer-strike.  For any extreme, or potential extreme, potentially beyond-her-hard-limit, there is that inspection and a dominant must have a vision, and ask what does this diamond want to become (even though she doesn't consciously know what it is she wants), what is its potential?  You can't force it to be what it is not and never has the pontential to be, because its just not there.  And in all that... communication is paramount, and being able to perceive what is communicated (both verbally and well as just body language and even reading the fear in the eyes at times during 'scenes').  That level of detail and mental aspect to D/s and BDSM is a bottomless ocean, and that is what I enjoy most.So in the simple, quick sense of the phrase, yes, there is no such thing as 'no limits'.  But what some are trying to say is that the ideal which people are trying to communicate when they say no limits is that the sub wants the dominant to do all he can to maximize the sub's potential, and that the sub wants to not ever say no, to not ever limit the dominant through her fear, or unwillingness to take more (pain), or be pushed to be better.   And that is where the Iron Fist comes in.  Subs know they need to be pushed, to be made to experience and explore the unknown, disciplined, but only the ones who don't have self-esteem think they don't have limits ... because if they do not have limits, they need to be crushed (pushed past the breaking point... the bad breaking point).  The ones with self-esteem, they know that they have value and don't want to be broken in the bad way, but need to feel the desired trust in their dominant so that they (the sub) are not the cause of their limitations.... that it is all the Dominant's perogative (and blame?) if they (the sub) are not better or feel more fulfilled because the Dom may not be extreme enough.      It is all academic most of the time, so long as the dominant knows that regardless, there are consequences and therefore limits... one way or another.

5/6/2012 1:55:47 AM: Too many dominants or wanna-be dominants don't realize that if they ever found a submissive who truly did not have any self-worth, they would be in for a handful of negative, because the best thing they could do for her and for the dominant would be to actually build her confidence and sense of self-worth.    It would be like having an otherwise-priceless diamond that didn't shine... wouldn't shine, simply because the diamond didn't know what it was.  Other dominants find a diamond and try their best to crush it.  They say:  My god, this diamond is brilliant, multi-faceted, priceless ... but the diamond knows it!  I can't have that!  Destroy it immediately!  Crush all the light and value from it.  I only want that diamond for its dirty carbon content.A submissive girl with a sense of self-worth and self-esteem is a great thing to find.  Sometimes the ones you find are aggressive, spiteful, and seem to be something that they are not -- they think they have to come off as dominant because they can't reconcile their self-worth (which they are proud of, and rightfully so) with their feelings deep down inside themselves... feelings of enjoying and craving to be submissive, passive, receptive, dependent, and at times subservient ... perhaps just to one other person in the world -- but still they can't permit themselves even _that_ luxury.  But the one who is so special that she actually values her submissiveness and her vulnerability while remaining confident enough in herself to announce all of herself to the world and lets herself enjoy her true submissive nature is ... a treasure.  It's just very rare.