Friday the 15th of July, 2016, I got a tubal ligation (got my tubes tied, for you non-medical savvy individuals).

This was a decision that has been 20 years in the making. Ever since I can remember, I have been objectively against having kids and becoming a parent. And since I grew up in the 90's and early 2000's, I'm sure you can imagine the discouraging things that were said to me for the last 20 years:

• "You'll change your mind when you're older"
• "Its different when they're your kids"
• "It's your job as a woman to give your parents and in-laws grandkids!"

And my favorite one, which was said to me by a coworker at BWI:

• "No man will ever marry you if you don't want to have children, because, what good are you as a woman otherwise?"

If you know me as a person, you know that none of these things would have sat well with me and that I probably cussed out every single one of those persons who spoke to me negatively about my decision to live a childfree life. However, I also grew up under the stipulation that women weren't allowed to get their tubes tied unless they were at least 37 years old and have already had several children. Up until a year ago, I still believed that, since nobody had told me otherwise. Then, I moved to Cheyenne and started seeing a different primary care physician. I see a doctor pretty regularly due to my family history of genetic conditions, none of which I have yet, but I prefer to be safe than sorry. We discussed my medical history, all of my ear surgeries, my mental health situation, and my view on parenthood/birthcontrol. I was on mirena at the time (a T-shaped device implanted into my uterus to prevent pregnancy). And without my asking or any lead up questions to the subject, my doctor said to me, "you know, when it's time for your IUD to come out, I have no objections recommending you for a tubal ligation. You obviously don't want to have children and you're very serious about it, so I don't see why you shouldn't have it done."

I was speechless. No doctor had ever brought it up with me before, not even any of my previous gynecologists who had been supplying me with birth control since I was 17. But I was still under the impression that my insurance wouldn't pay for it, because of the out-of-date stipulations. So, I called up my insurance a little later and inquired as to how much I'd pay out-of-pocket for this maneuver. I was speechless once again. My insurance pays for the procedure at 100%. No copay, no deductibles, nothing. So, I told myself that at the end of my IUD's life (4 years from that point), I would just get it done.

Obviously, it happened a little sooner than I had anticipated. A month ago, while I was working out at the gym, something went wrong while I was doing burpees, and my IUD got displaced, putting me in a tremendous amount of pain that I hadn't experienced since I originally had it inserted. So, my doctor cleared her schedule for the next morning and removed it. She asked if I wanted a new one to replace it, and I said, "no, lets just do the tubal. No sense of keeping me on temporary birth control when I already know my end game".

It only took several weeks to have it performed since that doctor's visit; much quicker than I thought it would. And it's a very short procedure too, only 30 minutes. You're in and out of the hospital before noon.

Do I regret anything I've done today? Absolutely not. What I want women to take away from this journal post is that times are changing. We no longer have to live by the stigma that we're only around to bare and raise children. If you're like me and know you don't want to ever go down that path, then speak up to your doctor. If he or she doesn't agree with you, take your ass to a doctor who will.

Don't settle for a "no" when you know you can get a "hell yes, lets do this shit."

So, this is a two-part interaction I had with a dominant woman on CS. Of course, her initial message to me was unsolicited.

NoSenseOfHumor: I would love to bite your tots so hard they bleed. Leave you with bruises. And watch you begging for climax.

Me: Calling them tots was probably the most unsexy thing ever, but it still made me laugh and you get points for that.

NoSenseOfHumor: Autocorrect. But still. At least we both know you're not very useful to me now

Me: I'm ok with that. I don't mesh well with people who don't have a sense of humor anyway.

NoSenseOfHumor: Lol. I'm so thankful your ok with it. I was so worried

That ended the first part of the conversation. I didn't feel like there was any more to be said. A few days later (this evening), I made a post about my depression getting the better of me. So she felt concerned for my wellbeing and sent me another message.

Concerned: Why so depressed you little choke whore

Me: Not sure if you're genuinely interested or if you were just looking for an opportunity to call me something obscene.

Concerned: Answer the question!

Me: Nah, I'm not your sub, so I don't take orders.

Concerned: Fine. Enjoy your lonely depressive life.

Me: Ok, thank you! kissy face

Concerned: You're welcome choke whore

/conversation

Can we just talk about how she blatently insults someone who she knows is suffering from depression like it's going to make that person feel better?

You know what rustles my jimmies? People who agree to meet up with me but then never write back when I ask when they're free for a beer.

Like, if you're not interested, just fucking say so. It won't hurt my feelings. Saying you want to grab a drink or dinner with me, and then ignoring/blocking me is just a prick move that makes you look like a complete douche.

Everyone I know is so keen to be with their families during the holidays, despite the stigma of family drama. Like, everyone completely understands that, even though there may be little arguments or difference here and there, family is where it's at for the holidays.

Except me.

My brother and his family have not once spoken to me or acknowledged my existence since I moved closer to them nearly 3 years ago. They were over my parent's house for thanksgiving this year and didn't say one word to me, nor did they even look at me, the entire time. I tried starting conversation with them, but they would always just look the other way and not say anything. I had a panic attack that night and had to leave until they left.

They're hosting tomorrow for christmas and I'm choosing to just stay home. My parents understand now that my brother and his family don't give two shits about me. Especially now that his wife made it obvious yesterday. She came over and brought a present for my sister, who they don't even speak to because she's transgender, but not me. This infuriated my parents. So they're ok with me not going. They understand now why I feel the way I do.

So while everyone I know is stoked about being with family and getting presents and spending the holidays being together, I'm just glad I can be alone and not have to worry about why my family hates me.

Around 2 months ago, I made a post about my first topping experience. I was a little reluctant on actually topping someone because I had never done it before, but ultimately decided to do it for the greater good of that poor vanilla bastard I met on OKC who begged me to fuck him in the ass while I told him how worthless he was.

Since then, I've had the taste for blood.

I've topped several people since then and have acquired the taste for being somewhat dominant. Last night I did my first ever spanking scene on my switch friend and enjoyed every minute of beating his ass bright red.

I feel I have joined the often ridiculed dark side of kink; the switch side.

I still love being a bottom and having terrible things done to me. But my gateway drug of topping has lead me down a certain path that I cannot go back on.

It is for this reason, I'm changing my role to switch.

You have all been warned. Please steer clear of my hand, paddle and knives. I'm out for blood.

I've spent the last two hours watching girl-on-girl porn and now I very seriously need a hot woman to finger-bang the fuck out of.

Anyone interested?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Had my first experience being a top last night and it was interesting to say the least. And sorry for the massive wall of text. I'm just a very deive person when I write.

I started talking to this cute (presumably vanilla) guy on OKC and we met up for a beer yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, he was on-call for his job and had to go in after just two drinks. He wanted to meet up later in the evening though. Which I was happy to do.

After we parted ways, he sent me a series of texts about how he was so turned on by me while we were drinking that he had a hard time concealing his boner, and how he couldn't stop thinking about fucking me and what not. The thing that surprised me, however, was the text he sent that explained how he wanted to eat out my ass while I tell him what a worthless slut he is. 

I asked him if he was a sub. He explained to me that he has some submissive fantasies that he's never been able to try out; such as degradation, and getting pegged. I also asked him if he's a member of the local kink community. He said no. And being the sex-positive person I am, I offered to help. I'm a firm believer that everyone should be able to experiment with the fantasies they've only ever masturbated to and never tried. And obviously, being stuck in his vanilla lifestyle, he's probably not going to find a woman willing to do these things to him. So if not me, then who? I'll take one for the team.

I went over to his place after he finished with work, and brought my toybox with me. I assumed he didn't own any anal toys since he told me he's only ever had fingers in his ass, so I was happy to bring my own. He surprised me again, however, when he took out a strap on for me to use on him. Apparently he bought it some time ago, just in case he ever met a lady who was willing to stick a dildo in his butt.

So, we started with the foreplay and he was more than willing to go down on me, and dear God, his tongue game is ON POINT. Homeboy can suck some clit, I'll tell you. And apparently my head game is just as good (or he's a huge pussy, I can't tell) because even the lightest of sucking on his cock and he told me it was too much for him. Then I finagle with putting the strap-on... on. Lesbian sex sure is complicated.

For someone who's never had more than a couple fingers in his ass before, he took that dildo LIKE A CHAMP. Shit, I can't even get my medium sized butt plug in my ass without feeling like I'm being ripped apart, let alone a full-sized dildo. So, I'm going at it, and he starts jerking himself off at the same time. I guess my pegging game is also on point because he needed to cum pretty quickly. He said to me, "can I please cum, Miss Kelly?". Welp, that did it for me. It was a huge turn on. I told him yes and he climaxed.

Boy was I wet at that point. I wanted nothing more than for my pussy to get destroyed. However, he wanted to roll over and go to sleep (TYPICAL MAN). SIGH, I guess I'll just go home and break out the ol' wand.

So, my rating for the experience? 5/10

Would I try again? Maybe, if it was with someone who wanted to fuck me as much as he wanted me to fuck him.

What could have made it better? Completing the sex cycle and actually putting his cock in my pussy, repeatedly, until the both of us are satisfied.

What did I really enjoy? The new experience of topping a guy, as well as hearing someone call me, "Miss Kelly". Both were awesome.

I mentioned earlier that things sort of fell apart between myself and the guy I was seeing off and on again.

I wrote that on my phone while I was at work, since that's when it happened and I sort of needed to let out the disappointment through the journal to get it off my chest. I didn't really want to think about it while I was at work, so I just wrote it out and let it stew for 10 hours.

But I'm home now and I can finally write about whats bothering me.

In the month and a half I was seeing this guy, he and I developed a strong connection and attachment to each other. I've never felt that connected to another person in my life.

He's married and he and his wife are (were) in an open marriage. However, during the time that he and I connected, she and him realized that they would not be able to emotionally handle the open relationship. So he texted me while I was at work and told me that it wasn't going to work out.

It's been a long time since I've felt as discouraged as I do now. Since I left my vanilla ex boyfriend back in September, it's been disappointment after disappointment on my journey to find someone who has similar sexual and romantic interests as me. I find that most people become disinterested with me quickly because my personality doesn't quite fit in with the scene. Also, most people become disinterested with me quickly when they realize that I'm not an attractive person.

There have been quite a few individuals who left first dates early or wouldn't want a second date because of the fact that I'm overweight. I'm not speculating, that's literally what's been said to me before. So, when I finally found someone who was able to be around me and was still sexually interested in me despite my appearance, well, I started to feel good about myself again. That feeling was fleeting, however, when I realized yesterday that it's going to be a long time before I find someone who's willing to overlook my hideous body and actually want to make a connection with me. (And I realize this post is self-defeating, but I would like to ask for people to NOT comment or email me about how I should not be so hard on myself or about how everyone is beautiful in their own way. I'm not stupid, I know I'm unattractive. I just wish people would stop sugar coating it).

I feel like I should just stop trying, because everytime I find someone I like, it just ends up in disappointment and regret. And I'm just so tired of it.

You know what rustles my jimmies? People who are on this site (also fetlife and alt) just to find sex partners while not having any interest in kink what-so-ever. We all know it when we see it. The profiles that have almost zero content in their about me section, other than, "up for anything, hit me up!" and the only kinks listed are "oral" and "rough sex".

I don't know how rampant it is with the ladies of this site, but it's pretty fucking frequent on the mens side. I mean, lets get real, if you're just looking to score, take your bland, nonkink profile off the kink sites and migrate on over to adultfriend finder, lavalife, okcupid, pof or tinder. Hooking up is not kinky, it's normal.

So, as oppose to actually spending money to see the Fifty Shades movie, I downloaded a cam copy off piratebay.

My dumb ass read the books when they came out a few years ago and my initial response was, "well, that was dumb".

Now that I've seen the movie, all I thought about it was, "well, that was dumb".

I won't get into the whole debate about why it sucks, or whether or not it's an accurate portrayal of the scene. That's all overplayed and everyone's tired of reading/hearing about it.

All I have to say is that my initial displeasure with the story as a whole was not mistaken.

You know what rustles my jimmies?

My job.

Seriously, my job is what causes me to drink. Not because it's a physically hard job, and not because it can get stressful at times. I drink because my job causes me to lose faith in humanity.

Now, if anyone actually reads my profile, they'll know that I'm a ramp agent (baggage handler) for a major airline, and as you can probably already tell, I see some weird shit when it comes to peoples bags (or checked items in general since they're not always bags). Things like 22'' car tires, pole vaults, deceptively light looking duffle bags full of sand, portable toilets (the kind that look like walkers but with a toilet seat on them), and so forth.

Once in a while, I come across a bag that tests my resolve. That bag was last night. The flight came into the gate, we opened up the back bin and there it was, in all it's gooey, goopey, messy glory. Someone had apparently thought it was absolutely necessary to check a 10 lbs jar of peanut butter in their bag. Now, we don't open peoples bags for legal reasons. The only reason we know that someone had checked a 10 lbs jar of peanut butter is because it had exploded mid-flight and was *everywhere*. All over the bin and all over *everyone else's* bags. I'd post the picture I took, but that would give away which airline I work for. But seriously, for real, why the fuck would you check a 10 lbs jar of peanut butter in your bag? Is San Diego going through some sort of peanut butter shortage that no one's reporting on? We had to clean up the bin and all of the bags before we could offload anything. I can't even describe the scene, because I doubt anyone else has ever thought to imagine what it looks like when liquidy peanut butter explodes. It was just.. peanut butter.. everywhere.

So, my little PSA to go with this. Please think before you pack your bag. Think of the ramp agents that have to deal with it if something goes horribly wrong. Think of the other passengers who'll have their bags and personal items inside their bags ruined if something with your bag goes horribly wrong.

#thatawkwardmoment when I realize I can't do a certain position anymore because the cock gets deep enough to poke at the IUD next to my cervix.

Ow, ow, motherfucking-ow.

The one fucking time I FINALLY indulge in a fetish of mine and it ends up in complete fucking chaos.

#I literally cannot even, I can't even, I am unable to fucking even, I have lost my ability to even, I am so unable to even

• Unwrap it
• Lubricate it with warm water
• Rest on your left side and life your right leg.  
• Using your right hand, introduce your opinion inside your anal cavity.
• Rinse.
• Repeat.

Just got a harsh reality check in the form of "nobody cares".

Good start to my vacation.

Stereotypical Female Journal Post

Men don't like me.
I'm fat and ugly.
I'll die alone.
I don't get emails from anyone.
I'm never dating again.

bitch, bitch, bitch
I'm on fire.
bitch, bitch, bitch
Put me out.

Stereotypical Male Comment to Journal Entry

Bitchy comment.
Bitchy comment.
Dick joke.

• Ask open-ended questions so that the person you're talking to can elaborate on their answer, marking the path to related side topics that you two can discuss.
• If receiving an open-ended question, don't give a close-ended response.  For example, if someone asks you, "Hey, how are you doing today?  I haven't heard from you in a while and I'd like to catch up", don't reply with, "fine".  A better, more open-ended answer would be, "I'm great but the last few weeks have been really busy with such-and-such.  How have you been?".  

Dudebro #2: mmm damn you deserve to be raped for having such huge tits

Me: You deserve to be raped in prison for thinking a woman with huge tits deserves to be raped.

Just saying.

Blocked

Dudebro: what would you do if i grabbed you, stripped you, put you over my knee and spanked you real hard for over an hour. then gagged you and restrained you, then fucked you deep and hard, cumming in your sexy pussy ? Would you wear a strapon and fuck me good with it ?

Me: I'd probably punch you in your fucking face for assaulting me.

Blocked

2. If you're not sure if a Woman has asked for a dick photo.....She hasn't.

3. Your dick is NOT magical and a Woman is not going to fall on top of it upon seeing it.

4. Dicks do not make Woman mindless sex zombies like tits do for men.

5. Dicks don't photograph well...just saying.

6. I promise that if a Woman likes you, she will ask you for a dick photo if she wants one. But you will RUIN your chances by sending one unasked."