I'm really emotional today. I think because of a dream I had this morning. You know, when I look around this site and similar sites, even when I look at present day art sites, much of the focus(or much of my focus and what I have noticed) has been on Dominance and how being dominated, feeling owned, how that affects me. I also see a lot of comments on pictures that make me sad or make me cringe but that's another story.

This morning, I dreamed about a man who, in my dream, I really liked. He's not anyone I recognize in real life. We were friends in the dream and I had a crush on him, felt affectionate towards him, but didn't really do anything to let him know. In the dream, we were like on a tour with several other people I apparently knew. We were walking through the backs of different auditorium balconies through doors and across the back of people practicing things on stage or in lecture halls. No idea what that part is about. I remember commenting rather loudly once that I knew this certain person on stage's lines better than she did. I said that right as I was exiting that room and friends around me giggled.

Once, we sat down and someone else sat beside him but then we were up and moving around again. Finally, we all got to where we were going. The seats were lush theater seats, red, ample. He walked down the row and sat down and since I was behind him, I followed. I had a white cardigan on and started getting warm. I can't exactly explain my position but I took it off my right shoulder and down my arm but not off. I was leaning forward and I felt His hands helping me remove the sweater. Then, He held my hand .. and caressed it .. and slowly and  lovingly played with each finger. And my hand looked so small in His. And there were sparkly lights in His eyes and around my hair. And His eyes showed so much affection and care and feeling as He looked at me. And I knew He cared for me, too.

I woke up with tears on my face. I'm not generally a romantic person, likely because I've never been treated romantically for the most part. This deeply affected me though. If all I wanted was rough sex, that would not be so hard to find. But, I realized this morning that I am incredibly lonely. It's been years since I felt special, wanted, valued, loved. Aside from my son, I've had no one's eyes shine when they see me, or hold my hand. I miss it all, the rough and the gentle. I think I probably have focused on the rough because the absence of the gentle parts, the intimacy, cuts too deeply.

So, my dream peeked past my defenses and made me decidedly soft today.