I'm going through a transformation.
I'm re-finding myself as I'm coming out of a 3-4 year slump of abuse and depression.
Doing this has made me make great decisions and also shitty decisions.

I'm finding out who I am again while also being in a committed household and relationship(s) can be difficult and chaotic.

I have found that I need to start being extra careful about how "free" or "new" I'm being so that I don't hurt the people I care about.

While I'm changing and growing I also need to make sure that I'm not hurting the ones around me anymore... or at least try not to.

I need to remember that even though I am my own person I am committed and WANT to be committed to these people and that includes taking and responding correctly to submissive tasks and rules that were set for me.

It means, yes I can see someone I genuinely like, and I need to ensure my partners are aware and are okay with the fact there may be sexual intimacy involved in seeing this person.

It means asking and explaining the need for cosmetic changes and modifications and knowing that the partners will understand and allow them.

Changing and growing don't necessarily mean shedding every part of you.
It can mean learning to keep certain parts of you and growing into others.

I need to learn how to do that better.
I need to remember that I CAN'T do it all on my own, even if I am a badass.
I need to remember that though people count on me, and care about me, I can still be a person and grow. It's just a matter of being more conscious of those people.

Yesterday evening I cried.
Sounds pretty normal right?

I cried while having a cane used in a mindfuck with me.
Still normal?
I agree.

When I cry it's because of shame, anger, saddness, or fear.
Last night was fear.
Still sounds totally normal.

However, I only felt fear because of a sound.
I didn't feel fear because I was scared to be hit,
I didn't feel fear because my Master was being too much.
I didn't feel fear for any reason other than the cane made a loud noise.

This is a substantial moment for me.
It is the first time I let go, and had full trust that my partner, my Master wasn't going to do anything that I couldn't handle.

Now people, you might be asking:
"WhY DoN't YoU TrUsT yOuR MaStEr?!?!"
" YoU sHoUlD tRuSt HiM BeFoRe BeInG oWnEd By HiM!!?!!!?!?!!"

Well bupkis to you but trust is fucking hard.
I have not fully been able to trust someone with everything I had since I was 19 and naive and new to everything revolving dating and sex.
In my past, I have been emotionally fucked over to the point of no return.
I could date someone, fuck someone, or love someone and not fully trust them because thats just how it is for me. It takes a lot of bullshit and a lot of fuckery to even attempt to trust someone.
And my Master got there. He got ME there. To the point of trust. To the point where fear is just a feeling and not something that can define a relationship. And I'm so incredibly grateful.
Also:
Let me tell you how utterly euphoric it is to feel fear and know that you are safe.
EUPHORIC. It's basically ecstasy for me.

I don't really have a point to this, nor am I good at concluding journal entries.
But I needed to have this documented somewhere other than my brain.
Hopefully this resonates with someone and they will have hope that fear doesn't last forever. And trust is possible.

Thanks for reading. Stay kinky.

What a crazy week it's been.
My brain has been filled with dreams of forced orgasms, orgasm denial, and degradation.

My physical self has been filled with anything but. Work, responsibilities, and family duties have filled my time.

I am excited to see my Master this evening.

Seeing Him will definitely ease some of the tension I have.

Gosh, I love Him.

My mind has been fuzzy lately.
Maybe it's because I'm so incredibly horny.
My mind is stuck in constant sex, porn, need for orgasm mode.

I want to be degraded. verbally humiliated, used, fucked, made to cum.
Tied up completely immobile.
Hitachi to my clit, dildo or cock in my cunt,
and used.

Words of love and humiliation written all over my slutty body.
Deprived of my senses so I won't know if I'll feel a spank or fingers filling me.

Tie me up, please.
Keep my silly, slutty brain fuzzy.

Having a crush when you're 20 something can be just as hard as when you were younger.

Maybe it's just me. But I have found that people around my age are all about the "No Label Lifestyle".
Here's how it goes,
You tell someone you like them and the feelings are mutual.
Sick, this will be good! Let's get shit started.
"Oh, well yeah, lets totally find a time to hang."
And hang outs commence.
It's great, you talk, you connect, you bot have so much in common.
There is never really a talk about the feels though.
Just once every few months.
"Oh yeah I still totally like you and think you're hella attractive."
"I miss you"
"You are so awesome and cool and shit."
"I like you"
"Blah, blah, blah"
but like, nothing moves forward, not because of a fear of commitment, but because of the goddamn label.

I've found most people my age either want the label of BF/GF, relationship, etc or they are so turned off by it they run at the nearest sight of the words.

Either I'm totally being friendzoned and I'm beyond oblivious to it, or I'm completely missing something that the rest of my generation is understanding.

Someone explain it to me. I'm so lost. lol

Today was a long, tedious, exhausting day.
Being that it was a snow day here in northern Illinois, everyone was home. EVERYONE.

But alas, there is no rest for the wicked.

From work, to babysitting, to dealing with the chaos that is Mr. Winter I am pooped.

Stay kinky folks, and to all a good night.

Somedays I don't even know why I try anymore.

Living in this house is pointless, no one here actually gives a shit about you.

All you do is mess things up.

You will never get anywhere in life.

You are a failure.

They only want you for sex, they don't actually care to get to know you as a person.

Why would anyone ever love you?

You're too fucked.

You're too ugly.

You're better off alone.

You're better off dead.

You try and try yet you still fuck up. Why bother?

You'll forever be single,

Your family will always hate you. YOU ruined that relationship.

Why try to improve when you know the end result is you messing up again and again?

The world is better off without you.

Sex will be your only form of physical interaction with another person.

Sex is all you're worth.

FUCK

I hate myself.

I hate this world.

I can't make things change,

Things will never change.

Things will never change...

• Showers after a long day are probably one of my favorite feelings (next to orgasms)
• Budgeting my money is something I seriously need to work on
• Managing my time is something I seriously need to work on
• I am slowly becoming a hypochondriac after being sick for the last couple of weeks
• I want to be someone who enjoys books all the time, but Netflix and movies are sooooo much better.
• I spend way too much time on this silly website
• The people I care about mean the world to me
• Spending the mindless time I have at work thinking about giving my crushes, lovers, and few attractive people at work, head might sound like a waste of time, but I assure you it is not.

I am the type of person that will make something out of literally nothing.
When I was 15 my brain decided it wanted to start moving a million miles a minute, every day, forever.

It makes it difficult to write about anything when your brain moves this fast.

I'm going to leave it at that for today.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I have so many fantasies that I want to experience...
I have seen too much porn, too much tumblr, too much erotica not to.

I want to experience deep service, deep use, hard use, until my throat hurts, my cunt is dry, and I cant see straight from all the spit and tears.

I want to experience multiple hands, roaming, exploring, searching for the sweet spots on my body. Ripping orgasms out of me, fucking me until I am just one long, giant orgasm.

I want to experience two dominant males, taking every ounce of my body, using all of my holes for their own pleasure and wants.

I want to be a service slave at a party, offering drinks, food, anything anyone would need all while being ified and used for sexual pleasures.

I want to be humiliated and written on while tied to the cross, and be talked down to while my Master fucks another girl.

I want to be humiliated, degraded, used, fucked, groped, and abused in the best possible ways.

I want to be pushed, empowered, determined, supported, loved, cherished, and improved in the ways I know I deserve to be.

I want to feel my Masters soft touch surrounding me after a long session.

I want to feel the soft skin of my sister while Master shows off his toys to The Brat.

I want to feel safe in my lovers arms while we all laugh and enjoy each others company and share our aftercare together.

I want to enjoy food with people I love and trust often.

I want to be kneeling at the right hand of my Master while we discuss tea.

I want to feel grateful every day for the family that chose me.

I want to express my love for them as often as possible.

I want to go to bed happy knowing I am cared for, treasured, and wanted every night.

I want to thank my lovely family for caring for me and loving me, even when I don't feel like I deserve it.

Being subordinate, lesser, or inferior in this life is something I take to heart. I truly in my soul believe I am lower in rank, or position than my Master, and his other submissives. With that being said it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that because I feel lower than them, it does not, I repeat, DOES NOT, mean I am worthless.

I have seen, heard, and talked to so many people that believe because submissives, slaves, bottoms, etc. are lower than dominant counterparts that they are worthless or have little to no value. That their only purpose is to be used for sex then tossed aside until their next session.

It's unfortunate and saddening that so many people think this way. We all know that domly dom who believes he/she is the shit and then some. And their views reflect what I had previously talked about. What about the submissives and bottoms who think this way? I have seen many a sub who believe that they are nothing more than a hole to fuck and nothing more. That they have no other value, purpose, or sense of being.

I personally used to think that way. Because of self esteem issues, previous relationships and their toxicity, and the way "Dom's" and the surface of the culture is presented. I previously thought I was nothing more than a hole to be bred and used whenever someone...anyone wanted.

I want to be the crazy person that will tell you otherwise. Just because someone is submissive or has taken on a bottom role, does not mean they are anything short of a person. And should be treated as such.

As a submissive, and as my Master's slave, I have worth and value beyond my wildest imaginations. Someone decided I am a treasure, and chose me for their use, giving me more purpose. This does not mean I fully think that I am just valuable because someone owns me. I am valuable because I have something to offer, as does everyone. We are built to offer, give and grow with one another.

So next time you domly doms decide you want to pick up, chat with, or try to seduce a new partner, remember to look at them as a person first. Not just a piece of meat.

Master will push me, bend me, but He will never break me.
Master will never push me to do more than I can handle.
I am fearful of disappointing Master, I am NOT fearful of Master.
I am clay. Master will mold me into what he wishes.
Master doesn't collect trash.
The family that chooses you is so much more important than the family you receive by chance.

 

Tonight was tough, but I am grateful for my chosen family, my Master, and my friends for being there for me. Just knowing that they are my support system and they are there for me when I need it is more than enough.