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I have been on these sites for a few years now looking to find the one that is the right fit or match. It honestly doesnt get any easier. In fact, I think the longer you are on these sites the harder it gets especially in the BDSM lifestyle. Its already hard enough to try making a connection with a person online through a computer screen verses bumping into a person on the street or meeting them in a get together function. But for some of us online through a computer is the only option we have and all we can do is hope for the best (which never seems to come). The other thing that makes it hard is that it seems most people today are looking for the quick fix more so than anything that could be long lasting and real. I however am one who is looking something that will be long lasting and real. And me not having that yet isnt from my lack of trying. I have had a couple of good potentials but either a busy daily life with lack of time has gotten in the way or incompatibility to work as a couple.
So what does all this needless banter mean?
It means I am NOT POLY for one. I have no desire to part of a house where there are multiple Doms and numerous subsslaves. I am strictly a monogamous person. I have never really been one good with sharing. I dont want to share my Dom with others nor do I want my Dom to share me with others. At this point I feel that if I cant have my Dom one on one, just me him with no one else in the picture, then I wont be able to fully surrender and submit to him because I wont feel whole with him (if that makes any sense). I guessif I know in the back of my mind that you are not and will not solely be mine then I cant fully relax and let go as I should.
I do have a couple of play partners that I session with from time to time when the need strikes and scheduling works out. So due to that I am not looking to extend my list of play partners. Its hard for me to disconnect emotionally like that with people since I usually wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak, but I have managed to do so with a very select few even though its not easy. Sometimes that line between just friends with benefits and more than FWB can get red when emotions get mixed in.
Having said that I am looking to have the Ds vanilla bfgf relationship together. I am not looking to meet the person one day and the next dayBAMthey are my Dom bf. I know it doesnt work like that. First you must see if the chemistry is there. Without some sort of chemistry you have nothing. From there you have to build on the relationship. Create that bond and build that trust between the 2 of you. Its not an overnight thingit takes time. Trust is not always easily gained. You cant expect the person to instantly trust you when you first start talkingespecially not because you say they can trust you. Which is doubly so when meeting people online. You dont know them, nor do they know you. We are complete strangers to one another when we first meet or start talking whether online or on the street. When you start getting to know each other is when that bond and trust SLOWLY starts to develop. Trust me, I am not looking to meet someone today, be collaredclaimed by them in 2 weeks, move in with them in a month, get engaged in 3 months and then get married in 6 months. NO, NO, NO. I want things to develop at an acceptable pace not warp speed. THOUGH if you cant meet me for a face to face within the first month of talking then I am not interested. Its best to meet within a month of when we start talking to see if the chemistry is there in person or not so we dont waste each others time. Because the more time that goes by the more attached people get to each other and if it doesnt work out then it leads to huge disappointments and hurt feelings. I want to try to avoid that (especially on my end).
I am a BBW as you can tell from my pictures. If that does not appeal to you then move on. I have been working the last few years to get into shape. I have made a lot of progress. I usually walk on my treadmill 4-5 days a week and I usually do an exercise routine 2-3 days a week. I have expanded on that some by trying my hand at jogging which is going okay. Im starting slow with it and hoping to build up. I want to do more like possibly biking. So I am trying to be fit. I would like a person who can join in that with me or at least will help keep me on track with it. I dont want a person who is near my age that has more ailments than I do and complains about them constantly. I feel that type of person will just drag me down with them.
When it comes to my kinks I am pretty Pollyanna compared to most. I am not into any hardcore stuff. My pain tolerance is very minimal. I havent really done any kind of bondage. I would like to expand on that with the right one given time and trust. I have done a lot of evolving over the last few years and I am sure I will continue to evolve. I hope to find a Dom that will help me evolve even more. The thing about the lifestyle I love the most is the mental aspect of it. No matter what you do physically there is always something mental behind it, even when it comes to discipline or punishments. For example, if I was given corner time for being a bad girl I would still get turned on by the act of it despite the fact its meant as a punishment. Does that make sense? Dont get me wrong, that doesnt mean I cant be punished. Its just the mental aspect of it all does turn me on but it doesnt mean that swift hard spanking wont hurt like the dickens because it will. I am a brat. I dont think I am an excessively immature brat. At times though I do like to push a Doms buttons to see how far I can go or what I can get away with. Hell, there are times I am a brat in the sassy smartass way and I am not even trying to be lol. .
The day to day me is usually mother hen. I am a single mother of a young teenage boy. I also live with a MUCH older (by 25 years) sister. Due to that I prefer to keep my involvement in the lifestyle discreet. And living with the older sister doesnt always provide opportunities to play in that sense here at my home. Just depends on the day. I should also mention that I dont drive. Its due to an eye issue that cant be fixed. I dont like it but it is what it is. So because of that I dont look for anyone too far away since they have to travel to meet me. And long distance never works out for me. I am also not an inconsiderate person. I wouldnt look for a person to come see me every week unless they lived within 15-20 minutes from me. I am located about 10 miles outside of Tarboro. That puts me about 25 minutes from Greenville, 25 minutes from Rocky Mount and about 45 minutes from Wilson. I also do not work. THAT DOES NOT MEAN I AM LOOKING A PERSON TO PAY MY BILLS OR SOMEONE TO MOOCH OFF OF. Just because I dont work doesnt mean I dont have my own money but until I know you my finances are not your business.
So if you have read this all the way through then thank you and I appreciate you taking the time to do so. If you have read through this and there is anything you dont like then please move on. I am not looking to play games nor waste my time. If it wasnt clear above then I will plainly state it hereI am not looking for hook-ups or one night stands and I am not interested in anyone who is married or already in a relationship no matter how open the marriage or relationship is. And on a side note, I am looking for someone between the ages 32-48.
If you fit any of the criteria I have described that I am looking for or are into then feel free to message me and we can see where this goes.
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The ones judging me based on my size instead of who I actually am as a person will be sorry they missed out getting to know a person like me if things go as i hope. Though I know... ones judging me on looks or size are ones I don't need to know to begin with. I'm just saying....dont judge a book by its cover. |
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Sometimes the search just doesn't seem worth it when nothing ever comes from it. |
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I am sooo tired of people playing games. They want you...they don't want you....they want you....they don't want you..... Make up your minds and quit wasting someone's time & giving them disappointment. It's VERY confusing. I deserve better than this. |
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Really? What the hell?! I honestly don't know what's wrong with people. |
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Got a new haircut. I wanted something different. But there's still plenty to pull on. :) |
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I really need some attention. It's been too long. |
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Apparently I'm "a mouthy woman with an attitude". Hmmmm....... |
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Craving a spanking..... :( I miss a Doms touch. |
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I think I am ready to call it quits. I search for a person and nothing pans out...I leave it alone and don't look to see what comes when not looking, something comes along and it STILL doesn't pan out. I am tired of giving my submission over to a person only for it to be for nothing. I have submitted to 3 different people thus far in my search (all several months apart...I'm not a submission slut or sleeze). They all end the same...me left broken from allowing one inside my mind for it to have been for their pleasure/joy, a game or it to not have been taken seriously. Each time it happens it gets even harder. Not to mention even harder for the next one who comes along that seems interested. Its like another lock gets added after each let down. Turns out that BDSM relationships aren't too different than vanilla ones when it doesn't work out...you are still left hurt and disappointed. |
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Not talking and giving space is so hard. Feels like an emptiness inside. 🙁 I hope this works out in a good way in the end....... |
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The phrase "bridges get burned" is something I have heard before as well as a lot of other people. I have also found myself using that phrase too. Especially the last few years. I also hear people say "once the bridge is burned it can't be fixed", but is that REALLY true?? I mean technically, yes, the bridge is burned and gone so it can’t be fixed. BUT… Who says another bridge can’t be built in its place? We all know the bridge in the phrase symbolizes trust or some sort of bond between 2 people. It could be friends, family or lovers. When one of the 2 does something to break that trust/bond then that bridge has been burned. Without trust you have nothing. Without that bridge you have a gap between the 2 people. And once you break a person’s trust it is hard for them to trust you the same ever again….some never do most times. Which is why they say the bridge can never be fixed. But if the person who broke the trust/bond is willing to work to build a new bridge…couldn’t something between the 2 people be salvaged? As the trust/bond between them would never be the same neither would the new bridge that is built. But I also feel that the one who burned the bridge to begin with should be the one to figure out how to build the new one. They should be the one to draw up the plans and put in the work to build that bridge to the best of their ability. They should not need to ask the other person “How?”. So if the opportunity to build a new bridge is there but the one who burnt the bridge to begin with doesn’t seem to want to put in the effort or work to build it; even if they have had ample time to start or do so….what does that mean? Does that mean you never really mattered to them to begin with or whatever relationship type you had meant nothing to them? I would think that if that person meant something to the “bridge burner” they would work to build any kind of bridge to fill that gap between them. Don’t you? |
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Now I am being criticized for being a brat at my age as if there is an age limit on being a brat. Not sure what they think brats do that a 38 year cant do but a 20 year old can. I mean sure, maybe they cant kneel as much but I am sure there are 40 year old Dominants who have back problems and cant fuck doggie style or even missionary or they cant squat down to look at a kneeling sub because they themselves have knee issues. Its called getting old people. Besides, its not like all brats are dressed as some school girl fantasy because I am sure as hell not.
Hell I don't even look my age not to mention I don't even have gray hair yet where all my friends that are my age or YOUNGER do have a head full of gray.
GEESH...what is up with all the criticism this week? First my weight & being a stay at home mom and now my age as a submissive brat. What next...criticism for being in the lifestyle period? |
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Found this in my mail box this morning....
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You're disgusting. Get a job, fat-ass. |
Aside from the "disgusting" and "fat-ass" remarks which I don't even want to touch. But "get a job" as if they know I'm some lazy person who does nothing more than just sit around at home all day, being a couch potato watching TV, filling my mouth with food...unhealthy food at that....all day and never gets a lick of exercise in at all. Wow, if they think I look "disgusting: now then what would they think of how I looked over a year ago or 2 years even,, before I had shaped up and lost some weight? I'm not saying I didn't get into the shape I am and was without some bad habits but it wasn't from just sitting and eating because I was never one to do that. A lot of factors can be involved to make a person overweight that aren't just black and white like eating too much food and not exercising. Medical issues that have weight gain as a symptom, hereditary genes and for women it can come from having a baby.
This just shows how much ignorance there is out here. How people want to tear others down. I know I will never know why or understand but I get having your opinion of something. You like skinny people not curvy people or big people but why go through the time and energy to send that person a message telling them what is your hurtful opinion of them when they don't matter to you anyway? So you feel confident to judge me on my looks? I am sure you aren't perfect. Maybe you aren't fat but you might have some other flaw a person can pick at....some quirk about you that might drive another person crazy or make someone think you are weird. So I'm "disgusting", a "fat-ass" and apparently lazy?...well you are an ignorant son of a bitch.
No one is perfect.... |
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I try not to talk about my trust issues much considering that most men run after hearing those two words. But I think this is a good example of why people have them. I had a serious mind fuck happen to me a few years ago because of pretty much everyone I ever trusted which left me with the trust issues I have today. It takes a lot for me to let my wall down to trust a person. I had gotten to that point with a play partner of mine. Then he did something to break my trust. Basically lie to me and then say something a month later.
So I have a play partner I have known for nearly 2 years now. He is a Dominant and one that knows his stuff when being so. It took a while for me to get to a point to let myself go when we have a session; just recently in the last couple months in fact. I had asked him a question expecting an answer. It was a question that could have ended with an embarrassing answer for me but I needed to know. I thought of the people I knew and was around the most in an intimate way at the time he would be the one who would be honest and truthful in telling me the answer to my question. (And no I am not telling what its about because it is embarrassing.) So instead of telling me the truth he lied and led me to believe nothing was wrong or there was no issue. A month later when I contacted him about playing again he decides then to be truthful about the question I had asked him a month ago. Therefore, showing he had lied to me. And not only that but also told me that because of the issue I was asking him about he didn’t do certain things with me the last couple times we had a session. Which made me feel even worse about myself and broke the trust I had for him.
Now being in this lifestyle trust is the number one thing you must have in order to have any kind of relationship even if it is just play partners. Now most of the Doms I have come across over the last few years who were real and not fakes want honesty. They constantly want to know how a sub is feeling or what they are thinking. Shouldn’t we as subs get the same in return? I would think so. Especially considering that subs are taught and trained to know that if there is ever a problem or an issue their Dom is always the one they can trust and can go to for anything. Again, even if its just a play partner or the Dom who claims you as his.
So now because of this I don’t feel that I can trust him to tell me the truth if I ask him anything. Makes me wonder what hes thinking or why hes even bothering to come around. All this doubt because of him not answering one simple question truthfully. Yet people wonder why I don’t trust so easily or frown upon the fact that I have a trust issue at all.
What takes time to build only takes mere moments to break down. |
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I feel like a worm on hook that's just being dangled over the water. |
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There is something I don't get. Why do these dumbass people send these shitty messages? Why bother? What's the point?
You waste your time to type a message to a person you aren't interested in, see something in their profile you don't like or its a person you have no intention to get to know & continue conversation with. A message filled with insults and name calling to person you dont know the first thing about or their situation. Yet you feel qualified to give your highly expertice opinion to of them. It's not like their profile effects you in any way because it doesn't. Ignorance and dumbassticity is what it is. Why waste the time to type up that useless message instead of just moving to the next profile to view? And on top of all of that you block the person so they can't respond to your useless jibberish because you're a coward scared of what the person you insulted might say in response.
I just don't get it... |
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Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to continue being a sub. Today is one of those days I am feeling a bit down about it among other things not related to the lifestyle.
But really...why do I continue with this what seems to be hopeless search for a Dom? My Dom. I seem to keep coming across these unavailable ones. Not in the way that they have someone already but ones who are just busy with general life stuff whether it be family, work or both. I mean they are all great guys just not....available. Despite some of them wanting a submissive no matter their lack of free time.
Hell, not even my usual play partner has time for me it seems anymore. He keeps putting me off till the next week and each time something comes up with him or our schedules don't happen to mesh.
Sometimes I feel I am just opening up to someone only in the long run to be setting myself up for major disappointment and even hurt feelings. ~sighs deeply~
To be or not to be. That is the question.... |
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Because of the storm my lights keep going off and on. I have no phone or internet other than my cell and cell net. :( |
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Added another picture. My new rope cuffs came. Can't wait for them to be used on me. |
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I added a new pic. I thought it wasn't too revealing of some of the ones I have taken recently that aren't up here. I think this one compliments my ass nicely. |
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