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little4kisses

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LovingMasterJoeBigdaddybgv316

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It's time for a profile update... So I've been slumming around CS and FL for around 6 months now. Learned some stuff. Had some fun. Cried a lot, despaired of finding the right man to be my daddy, been hopeful and frustrated and have almost given up a bunch of times. I'm a lifestyle girl. I have very little vanilla life going on but there are pieces that I fit in around The Daddy Quest and the lifestyle friends and the munches and the play parties and figuring out the things I need to figure out and detailing the additions to my toy collection that I hope to purchase one day soon and writing pretty freaking hot DDlg erotica. I do not come with written instructions. According to my daddy sitter I am a handful (he still hasn't detailed the reasons for that statement). He also says I'm a treasure and will someday make my daddy a very happy man. Apparently I'm a wonderful little as well. Seems to me someone as awesome as me would have gotten snatched up by now but what do I know? I'm looking for a full time, real life, eventually live together DD who has some smarts, can develop a plan, and really, truly wants to own a special girl. If you don't understand how a little girl can be owned and not a slave you should move on. I'm not a slave and will never be one and the man I give myself to is going to have to prove to me that he is capable of taking care and control of what I'll be giving. This is not a joke. This is not 24/7 predicament bondage while I suck your cock. Frankly, I don't have that much choice whom I submit to or don't - either your dominance grabs a hold of me or it doesn't and either you prove I can trust you or you don't. My submission is organic and I have very little control over it either way. I am sincerely searching for a man to whom I can give everything. Just know that I need the same in return. If you're on Fetlife and want LOTS more info about me or to read my writings or want the details of my first (and now over) D/s relationship check me out there - same name.

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6/30/2017 4:11:16 AM

Still Grateful

I found and lost my first D/s relationship in just over 2 months. I had known him for months before he decided he would step into my life much, much further and try to provide me with some of the things I so desperately needed.

It took me long years to figure out what those things are. Figuring it out helped me make sense of so many things that I had given up trying to understand, instead working to mitigate their absence and continue working to create as good a life as I could.

Figuring out what I need led me back to Fetlife and to beginning The Daddy Quest. The Quest nearly fractured me because it was (and is) so daunting and because I focused all of my energy on it. When it began to seem as if I would never get those things I was nearly heartbroken, but I couldn't give up because if I did I was admitting that I would never, never, find them. I've never been one to admit defeat so I kept on.

It was just around the time that I had, once again, almost given up hope and had dragged myself upright again when Daddy reached out. He made promises. He kept most of them. He created boundaries to keep us safe. He let slip a little in his rigid discipline in that area and we both paid the price. I don't blame him though, Daddy is human and no human being is capable of never making a misstep. Once we let each other in as more than casual friends, we developed and grew a connection quite unlike anything I've ever experienced. We fit. We understood each other, found pleasure in just keeping company. We supported one another and laughed a lot. We never talked about the future and rarely about dreams we might have that included one another though Daddy did say that no one can know what will happen...to me that meant that anything might. I think for a little while, he thought so too.

Circumstances, life, Those Three Bitches, The Fates...happened. Daddy was faced with a decision. Daddy being Daddy, it was the only one he could make, because by making it he broke a promise to me and that man does not break promises. But, some things you can't fight and some things you can't change and...sometimes two people can mean a lot to each other but are not able to be together. I'm getting real sick and tired of things not working out in my life, and the loss of my Daddy was and is a brutal blow. After looking and waiting and stubbornly moving forward for so very long, finding a good man with the qualities I need and desire and then losing him to...I'm gonna stick with Those Three Bitches, The Fates, is very hard to accept. I know my Daddy, I know what kind of man he is and I know how rare it is to find a compilation of certain qualities and characteristics...and the chemistry and connection that I found with him. Straw colored needle, acres of haystacks.

A couple of weeks before the relationship ended, Daddy was talking about death. It freaked me out and I told him he wasn't allowed to die. He told me that if he were gone tomorrow he liked to think that he'd made enough of an impact on me that I would be just fine. I didn't agree. I felt I needed him for years and years longer before I would be strong enough to be without him what I was with him.

As my emotions settle and the anguish starts to fade, my thoughts are becoming more clear. I am realizing that he was right. In our short time together he gave me so much that is going to stay with me and help me on my journey. As I write that I can hear him saying that he didn't do anything, that I did it, that he's just a dirty ol' hillbilly. I would tell him that he's my dirty ol' hillbilly and though he's not mine anymore, the things he gave me will always be with me and the bar he set for himself and for me will, I think, always guide me - though I do hope one day to find someone who can engage me to that depth and fill those needs that have haunted me for so long. Someone who can accept everything I want and need to give. Someone who can be mine.

I would not undo a moment of my time with him. I am stronger, more certain of what I want and need, more proud of myself, my mind is less frenzied and my strengths, which I was never really completely certain of having, have been validated and somehow became real to me. I had never met a finer man and that man valued me. He thought me rare and priceless and beautiful while seeing my faults and neuroses and knowing my deepest thoughts and fears. He saw me and understood me and gave me value. That value doesn't leave just because he did.

I'm a girl who fell into a relationship with a man I never thought to have even the smallest piece of. I got to experience things I thought I might never do. I got to feel things I had no idea I could feel - and with an intensity that made me understand just how bland my reaction to other D types has been. I learned and I grew and I was able to give some important things to a man who allows himself to take nothing for himself. This might be the biggest gift he gave me - the chance to give him something no one else can because I know I touched him just as deep and just as intensely as he touched me.

Some people walk your life's road with you, some cut across it, some keep you company for a time. Daddy is on his road, and I'm on mine - but mine has veered and is, I think, heading in a different direction now. You know a man is special when you find yourself smiling as you cry for the loss of him. I wish I had been able to get him to accept just how special he is. So, Daddybear, if you come across this remember what I kept telling you: you are a man above men and have been a blessing to my life.

Damn him for doing such a good job of crawling inside me and surrounding me with his presence. He worked hard to build that for me and now I've got to pry him out. There's no room for anyone else as long as he's in my head so it's time to let go. I don't want to but I'll think about where Daddy set that bar for me and I'll figure out how to bear it.


6/30/2017 4:05:15 AM
Journal entry from Fetlife, thought I'd share:

My Fetlife experience so far but really for my Daddy, wherever he is

I've taken a lot of chances over the past 7 or 8 months since I returned to Fet. I broke my armor and let anyone who cared to look see the real me. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I showed my strengths and my faults and my desires and my needs. I pushed past my comfort zone time and time and time again so I could put myself out there so my daddy could see me if we crossed paths. I reserved judgement, I gave people a chance, I grew and and I learned and I came to terms with things that have scared me for a long time. I was honest with myself and with anyone who came in contact with me.

I have looked. I am looking. I'm searching for a straw colored needle in 10 haystacks. And I do this as ME - the authentic, no veneer, no embellishments me. I feel my emotions and my despair and the frustration and I keep moving forward. While I search I deal with my life in a world that is almost completely alien to the person I am at my core. I am fighting, almost constantly, to keep moving and to keep my self from being turned into something more palatable to the world at large.

I am a submissive. I'm very submissive, but it's something that dominant energy brings out. The rest of the time, I'm strong and willful and stubborn and persistent and determined and, frankly, way smarter than most of the men who think they have what it takes to control me. I'm shy, I'm insecure, I'm vulnerable and fragile and I'm worth 1000 of the average woman on Fet, regardless of how young she is or how beautiful she is or what she's willing to do - or say she's willing to do. I'm not willing - I'm capable - of obedience, loyalty, honesty, transparency. I won't just let you take, I will give and contribute and work with you to create something that most people can't even dream of.

I don't want what's not mine. I have a rule I actively live by, or do my best anyway - I only want what someone freely gives me. I don't grasp for more. If you don't offer it I don't go after it. When I get what I need and want it will be from a dominant man who gives it to me with his whole heart and not because I worked to manipulate or tried to fool him. Wouldn't want a man I could do that to anyway.

I live by my own code of ethics. I seek a man I can respect and trust, admire and adore...who will work his butt off to give me a space to do that. I'm searching for a life the masses here on Fetlife can't even imagine in their wildest dreams.

I'm waiting daddy. I'm looking. Please find me.


11/8/2016 11:16:22 AM
Transparency

As a recently discovered little on a quest to find her Daddy as soon as humanly possible, I'm thinking about myself, my past, my needs and my capabilities. I'm becoming involved in DDlg communities, re-involved in BDSM/fetish communities and exploring new friendships. I am learning all I can about the new role in which I find myself and identifying who I am now. It's been awhile since I underwent any serious self exploration. I had figured out all I could - which wasn't much and left many, many unconnected pieces. I had figured out how to cope - not well, but to the best of my ability. I had figured out how to be safe. Unfortunately, that safety brought consequences. I ended up encased in a protective shell that didn't allow me to let anyone in. I've had close relationships and a few strong friendships that have depth and intimacy but even my most trusted loved ones don't know me. I've recently realized that I've hidden a significant part of myself under so many layers that even I forgot who I am.

This isn't all from discovering I'm little but has been recent. When I decided to put myself out into the world and the BDSM community yet again, I wanted to have a different outcome than I'd gotten from those forays in the past. I have been plagued by shyness and insecurity, anxiety and depression, and those things drive all of my interactions from a place of fear. In the past, I would hide as much as possible. I was afraid to show, to say, to be and living became a battle of trying to determine what might happen and then devising the facade that would keep me safest and most hidden away. Just walking down a street is like entering a battle zone. I have always felt so vulnerable but never knew why. I had and have my theories and with a new attitude and more information I'm beginning to connect to those pieces of myself that I had given up understanding.

I decided that I was going to do my best to strip away the fear and expose myself to everyone with whom I came in contact. Of course, certain interactions get a certain level of exposure; but I am determined to allow my authentic self out to be seen. I'd even named it, and proclaimed that Transparency is The New Facade. So far things have been going well. My shyness and insecurities still prevail, but they were there anyway. Only now I admit to them. I present myself as truthfully as I can and that vulnerable part I have hidden away and don't really know does sometimes make a contribution but I am still fiercely protective of her and think I always will be. My experiences so far have been mostly positive. I find that people really appreciate interacting with an authentic person and I have yet to receive any kind of negative interaction I would not have received when I was hiding. Thankfully I have a highly refined set of protection skills that I can still use and have so far been able to identify predators and manipulators and idiots who would only use me.


11/5/2016 10:01:16 PM
It

I was chatting with someone today and he said he wanted to learn all about me. I asked if he'd read my profile and all the stuff I'd written. He said yes and I asked what he'd learned. He said that I'm a little, eager to please, and for the right man I'd give everything. Pretty good summary if I do say so but then I wanted to ask him what I wanted. I thought about it and realized that there's nothing here to say what it is I'm looking for outside some shadow version of a man who's a Daddy as well as a Dom.

Wow. What do I want? You'd think after 51 years and NEVER getting it right with relationships and roles that I would have a better idea. I know what kind of man I'm looking for, I know what my kinks are, I know the intricacies of my fuckedupness. Hmmm, tangent, maybe I'll start a new kink: knowing the intricacies of my fuckedupness. I've always been a trend setter, I'll see if it catches on. big evil grin.

I want 'it'. That thing. The one I read about on some of the pages I go to. The bond between two people who will each tear down heaven and earth and everything in between to stand by their other half. I read a lot of paranormal romance, or I did before I started this search not to be alone any more. There was a quote in one of the series. She says that she would fight her way through hell to die by his side.  I would fight my way through hell just to die by your side. Maybe I've read too many romance novels but that's what I want. Because, what that says is that I can't survive without you. It says that I won't leave you alone in your last moments and will do anything to make that happen. It says that I would rather face the pits of hell to get to you than be without you or have you be without me. It says that we are so tightly tied together that you are a part of me, and I will act for your interest as I act for my own. Bonded.

I want to be seen. I want someone to know the faces I make and recognize the flash that sweeps across my eyes. I want you to see my shoulders hunch in and move closer. I want you to see me throw them back and lift my chin and look around to identify what I'm bracing for. I want you to realize I'm going to help that girl, or say something nice to that guy, or give the last dollar in my wallet to that old man and help me reach out because I find it so fucking hard to approach anyone, and even while I'm reaching out I'm terrified. I want you to notice when I make the tears disappear from my eyes, or how I get hard when you ask me about my family. I want you to notice I clench my jaw, and remind me to let go. I want you to see my insecurities with how I look and who I am and work to reassure me and make me believe I have worth.

I want you to know me. Examine the chaos that rolls through my head. Pick it out, piece by piece, and put it together in your own mind. I want you to understand how my past and my fears and my strength and my power are all rolled up in my sexuality and why I can't give myself to just any man. I want you to understand my tangents and be able to describe the things that move me, interest me, excite me, motivate me, and make me cry. I want you to see that girl who lives inside of me, and help me protect her and make her fucking happy. I want you to know me, what I will do, what I will say, how I will react under x, y, z conditions. Oh, and you'd damned well better notice that I see everything from the person who just turned the corner down the block to the slight shift in the eyes of the one I'm talking with. I notice when your breathing changes, when your mood changes, when your focus drifts to something else. Eventually I'll notice you're pissed off before you notice. I want that.

I want to be loved. Valued. Adored. Worshipped. I want to be so close to you and to your soul that you can't breathe without me. Co-dependancy be damned. That's what I want and anyone who says it's not healthy can go fuck themselves. I've never been healthy but I'm damned well going to be happy. I understand the intricacies of my fuckedupness and this, this is what is going to make me shine. 'It' is what is going to give the the safety and strength to be me.

 

11/5/2016 10:00:19 PM
What I want to give my Daddy

I want to put hundreds of little bright spots in my Daddy's life. So that every time he turns around there's something there to inspire him to smile or laugh at or drag me into the bedroom. Or maybe growl a little but inside he's trying not to laugh. I want to learn what is going to make him do those things. I want to learn what makes him feel better so that when he is sad or tired I can help him. I want him to crave me, need to put his hands on me, play with me, tease me, use me for his pleasure. I want us to talk together and work together to make us what he wants us to be (which, if he's a good Daddy will be what is best for us together).

I want to be best friends with my Daddy. I want to do what he does and I want him to be interested in the things that I like to do. I want him to listen to me and consider the things I say. I want to give him everything so he can be strong and happy and fulfilled. And I want him to do that for me. By loving me and keeping me safe. I want to love him with all my heart forever.

I am a good girl. I don't like to disappoint. It would make me sad. I hate to disappoint anyone, I'm not sure how I would feel if I disappointed my daddy. I have a feeling though that when I get comfortable in myself and with my Daddy that I might get a little wild. They call it bratty but I'm thinking funny teasing and mischief, not being bad like brats can be. Like maybe I would make Daddy's cock so hard on purpose and he would have to find a place where he could use my mouth to make it better. I hope my Daddy will hug me a lot and hold me and give me little kisses and touches and cuddles.

 

11/2/2016 5:32:56 AM

To Artina, by Langston Hughes
I will take your heart.
I will take your soul out of your body
As though I were God.
I will not be satisfied
With the touch of your hand
Nor the sweet of your lips alone.
I will take your heart for mine.
I will take your soul.
I will be God when it comes to you.

 

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MSDD
 
 Age: 30
 Newark, South Africa