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I discovered my submission at 48, by my reaction to a response to a profile on a vanilla dating site. After 13 years of marriage and 10 years of celibacy after the divorce I was ready for something - anything!!!
I found my dominant on collarme, and the next five years was splendid! He died of cancer, and i had the privilege of nursing him in my homeSince then I have found someone to have fun with, to laugh and enjoy his company.Who knew that there could be such a sweet, thoughtful and fun man out there that would want to spend time with me?
I have a quirky sense of humour , that i blame on the Brit comedies that i watched growing up in New Zealand. (ps. i am legal - lol)I enjoy my alone time and have numerous arts-fartsy hobbies that can take up my time if i am not careful. I love to read, and one day, when i get all the boxes unpacked i will have a library set up in a spare room - right next to the sewing room.Right now, i am enjoying the new relationship glow, and taking it one weekend at a time -lol. I'm getting nothing done around the house, and thats ok, people are more important than paint and plaster. And having fun is a great way to spend time!
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OK - New Zealand was as always - Beautiful. Would love to live there again - its so strange that it is exactly the same, and yet so different. It strikes me that the country is a lot more sophistocated than it was 30 years ago - and actually, i think it is a lot more cosmopolitan that Arkansas, which is a little odd.
I missed my sweetie a lot! From playing footsie while watching tv, to holding his hand while shopping. He is so wonderful. ..... and the whole family liked the ring. Of course, what is not to love - shiney and pretty. Just what i love in a ring. :)
I feel like i've said good-bye to my sister. I hate it, but there are definitely worse things than dying. |
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I found out my sister has metastatic cancer. The good news is that i will be able to go to her. Life never goes the way you think it will. I thought the next time i went to NZ it would be with my sweetie so he could meet the family.
As it is, i shall go alone, to say goodbye to my sister. I love her and shall miss her very much. Damn, it just doesn't seem fair - she is so young...... |
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Today we started the day with a bang! And then he took me to an antiques show. What can you say about a man who could give you both of those things?
He even puts up with my farting dog sleeping the the same room as us. I am ridiculously content. |
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I am very happy - this man is so special. |
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Well, all the dating fun is over, and the committed relationship fun is beginning.
He is fun, sweet, and VERY creative.I just thought needle play was wimpy!
and i am becoming very fond of him, which is a little scary - it shouldn't happen this fast - but what can you do when a man is thoughtful enough to buy a kettle so you can have a cup of hot tea at his place - and he buys your brand of tea as well!
Life continues to be interesting! :)
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I find it very interesting that i am interested in diving into another relationship so soon. The only thing i can attribute this to , is that the last one was so wonderful that i want another.
This is pretty nerve wracking - i have to try and find a dominant that i fit with, and i don't think that is an easy task.
What is a kiwi to do?
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my Sir died this morning, peacefully, in his sleep. He looked as if he suffered not at all. And that has to be the best gift he was given.
Interestingly, he said yesterday that he was tired of living like he was - i told him that it was ok to die, that i would be fine.
I guess he took me to my word.
I'm just happy that it is over for him, and he is pain free.
I feel sad, but not absolutely wracked, maybe because i have been mourning his death since i found out his diagnosis. I knew he was going to die, there was no question about that. So, i had no false hope about recovery.
But i am sad, very sad.
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I feel more and more as if i have lost my dom. Sir is still with me, but our relationship is irrevocably changed. I am his caregiver, and i love him, but we are not Dom/sub any longer - and i really miss that aspect of our relationship.
In some ways, i feel as if i am waiting for him to die, so i can resume my life.
This situation really is horrible!
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So, there is nothing i can do about my dad's death, so i am painting the living room - his favourite colour - green. I rather think he would think it's funny that i am spending his funeral leave painting.
At least , i like to think so.
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My father died today - in New Zealand, and i can't go. I CAN'T GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't leave my Sir for that long.
I can't go to my fathers funeral. |
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My Sir is gradually fading away. All i can do at this point is be there for what he needs.I feel as if my life is on hold.
I just heard from NZ that my dad is terminal as well. The two long term men in my life are dying at the same time. This has to count as one of the suckiest things i have ever experienced - i can't leave my Sir to go to my dad.
The one positive in this whole sucky suckness is that i have talked to some of the nicest people, who have gone through the same thing, and come out the other end intact - and not just intact - but willing to help someone in the same position. |
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My Sir came home from the hospital yesterday. He has been referred to hospice by his doctors - which means they think he has less than six months to live.
Next weekend we are moving to my house so we only have one mortgage and set of utilities - and the best bunch of people you will ever meet have spent the weekend helping me pack and clean TWO houses. Arkansasbound is the best group i have ever belonged to.
There is no way i could have done what they did in two days. I have had excessively moist eyes for the past two days. And not because of the attrocious weather! |
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Well - apparently the removal of tumour didn't work as well as the oncologist thought. On the last CT, his cancer has moved into previously cancer free areas.
He is on a new chemo - and it stomped his butt. In bed for four days, feels awful, sporadic vomiting - and he is soooo pale!
It is very hard for him to be down like this - and it is a hard thing to watch. |
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We are off to the hospital again. Sirs oncologist thinks having more tumour removed will make the chemo more effectious, so he is having his bladder scraped again. He is NOT looking forward to it, but is being a brave little soldier (ducks and runs). I am taking knitting and two books - you can tell i have had to waiting before. The key is to take plenty of things to keep you occupied. I will get a beret out of this visit - lol. |
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Sir and i have had the nicest 6 weeks - he had a hiatus from the chemo, and felt wonderful!
Unfortunately, his follow-up cat scan showed tumour growth, so he has to start chemo again, and a different chemo drug. Hopefully his reaction to this one will be as benign as the previous drugs.
I am leaving Holloween for New Zealand - and yes, i know that witches fly on Holloween(hehe). I'll be gone for two weeks and spending a lot of time with my family. I shall also take a day to sit on the beach and watch the waves. Very tranquil.
Except for leaving Sir behind, i am really looking forward to the holiday. Haven't had one in three years, so it is deserved.
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Sir has had three weeks of chemo - and thankfully hasn't had the debilitating nausea and vomiting that i thought was inevitable with chemo. Yeah!!!!!
He has days where he is bone tired, and just doesn't feel good, but really, if that is the worst he feels, its great.
The infusaport is a godsend. Just plug him in and go.
am much happier about his treatment and quality of life. :) |
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My Sir is still healing from the placement of his infusaport. He now has a new, interesting lump on the front of his shoulder below his clavicle. The chemo starts Tuesday. I have my fingers crossed that he won't get too sick from it.
Today he took me to the dungeon and trimmed my pubic hair - and gave me a lovely caning. I was so relaxed afterwards. I lay on the medical table and mellowed out so much i was a puddle of mush.
I'm still relaxed - my shoulders are free of tension for the first time since we found out Sirs diagnosis.
I am not quite so freaked out by his diagnosis. My Sir says he plans on living for another 7 years - and that is good enough for me. One way or another we shall survive and enjoy life. |
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The absolute suckiness of this week was ameliorated by the kindness of strangers. My Sir was diagnosed with cancer and spent several days in hospital - where , i might add, he received splendid care!
I think the last straw was when i found out when l left the hospital at 10pm, that i had locked my keys in the car!!!! The campus cop who came to help was due off duty at 10 - and stayed for an extra half an hour to unlock the car. I could have cried - because of the sheer kindness of him.
We get to go see the oncologist Monday week - and find out treatment options. Until then i have a tic in my ear that won't quit. I realise that it is caused by stress - but knowing the cause doesn't stop it.
I don't think the house has been so clean - i deal with stress and anger and sorrow by cleaning. The birds are furious because i have spent the morning cleaning their cages - and they have territorial issues. :) |
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I swear, this day at work lasted a week - at least. I was never so glad to get home. It has been so busy - i think people are trying to get their surgerys in before the end of the year, which puts me working 8 to 10 hour days -and i don't want over time, i would rather be at home!
Its going to be in the 20's tonight, so had to bring my NZ flax plants in. They just don't do well below freezing.
Its been so cool, i have been wearing my Akubra to work - and if i say so myself, i look pretty sharp in it. Plus, it keeps my head really warm. Got to give it to those Aussi's - they make a nice hat!
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Up at 730 today, and get to sit infront of the patio with a cup of tea and watch the bluejays carry food off for their babies. very relaxing.
beckette, my african grey always has something pithy to say to them, even if it is just "come here". She is a way cool bird - she actually is a bdsm bird - she has a cane noise that anyone in the lifestyle recognises instantly, and tends to use it when Sir and i go to the dungeon.
I have enjoyed this spring, watching the plants i planted last year come up and look very healthy. Of course all the rain we had this spring has helped. Oops, just had to usher a little toad outside. Sorry, mate, not going to kiss you today - lol.
Had to chase a mockingbird outside yesterday. Apparently it was curious about all the bird noises coming from inside, then didn't want to fly down again to go out the door. Silly bird, it finally flew into the front room, and out the front door.
Life is good. |
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Damn, life is good! Spring has sprung and there seems to be major squirrel lust in the backyard - and who am i to deny them what i enjoy.
Sir and i had a lovely day recently in Hot Springs - we shopped, did some sightseeing and ate a wonderful meal at a local restaurant. Driving home I relaxed and realised how tense i had been from the strains of the last week (very long work hours). My Sir beat my butt the next day, and i slept like a log that night.
I firmly recommend the BDSM lifestyle as a healthy alternative to sleeping pills. Way cheaper and much more fun- lol.
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I cannot imagine life without my Sir, and our lifestyle. I would be an automaton, mechanically moving through life, with no joy or love.
Wheither we are in the dungeon or on the couch in the living room, we are happy in our togetherness.
There is a rightness in my submissiveness that i did not realise. I cannot understand how I didn't pick up on this earlier in my life. I regret the years that I was unknowing, but acknowledge that I would not be the person that i am today without the sum of my previous experiences.
Damn, I love my Sir! |
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An update - I have been officially collared by my Sir, in a very moving ceremony. I cried from beginning to end - and i don't cry easily! My Sir and i are very happy in our life - the only thing wrong is that i have to work.
Our pet kim has had to move and i miss her more than i thought i would. Her leaving has left a gap in our lives.
I am writing this with my African Grey parrot, Beckett, on my arm. He is a true BDSM bird - when Sir and i are in the dungeon, he makes whipping sounds! Lifestyle visitors know exactly what he is doing, and get a good laugh from it.
Life is really good. |
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I have the joy of saying that i have found exactly what I was looking for, and more. I have a Sir that touches me - body and heart- with joy and caring and happiness. He reads me poetry and spanks me so hard that i have bruises on my butt.
I have been given the very unusual gift of being given the very thing that I wanted - and needed, when I really didn't know what I wanted or needed. God is good!
Thank you Sir - more than I can say. |
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| Age: 30 |
| Cranston,
Rhode Island |
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