Good bye 20's, I will miss you! I have now officially reached the "dirty 30". Happy birthday to me?

"Mister can you tell me where my love has gone?
He's a Japanese boy
I woke up one morning and my love was gone
Oh, my Japanese boy
Ooh, I miss my Japanese boy"

My laptop says "Are we really running WAMP server, multiple development tools, CS5, half of Office and surfing the interwebs all at the same time?"

To which I say: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I might need to get a new machine soon.

Revised profile and loaded new photos. Enjoy.

Bitterness is seriously unattractive.  Harboring ill feelings takes energy, letting go is liberating. 

I, for one, enjoy my freedom in this way. :)

I do not get flamed very often, and generally do not comment when I do.  The Bitterness Patrol from the One Twue Way club seems to be out in force right now, though.  I'll save you the trouble and say now, that if your idea of the perfect woman is a doormat or vacuous love doll, we are not compatible. 

Thank you, drive through.  I'll be over here, living and letting live.

I just did something very impulsive, and I am totally okay with it.

For I'd die to be the cigarette that lies in your lips

To be the guitar that caresses your hip

To be the strings that sigh as you slide your fingers over me

And it's curious the more you desire the farther you have to fall

But still I'd rather have my heart broken by you than never broken at all

Melody Gardot - Your Heart is as Black as Night

Your eyes may be whole

But the story I'm told

Is your heart is as black as night

You lips may be sweet

Such that I can't compete

But your heart is as black as night

I don't know why you came along

At such a perfect time

But if I let you hang around

I'm bound to lose my mind

'Cause your hands may be strong

But the feeling's all wrong

Your heart is as black as night

I don't know why you came along

At such a perfect time

But if I let you hang around

I'm bound to lose my mind

'Cause your hands may be strong

But the feeling's all wrong

Your heart is as black

Your heart is as black

Oh, your heart is as black as night

I wonder sometimes if the bar was set artificially high in regards to certain... things.  It has been knocked down now, in any case. Hurray for closure.

I've taken some pretty major blows to my ego of late and my self image took a little bit of a tumble. Have been on a quest to improve my physical condition, and in the process realized how insecure I've been feeling. I've come to realize how fantastically stupid that thought process is. Sure, there are changes I have been making, that I will continue to pursue; but there's a lot more to me than just my dress size, which really shouldn't have any bearing on my value as a woman.

I am not my corset. But hot damn, I look good in one.

I've decided that I'm done feeling wounded about my appearance. There's nothing to apologize for. I may never have the perfect face or the perfect body, but you know what? I know how to work with what I have, and that is what gives me the ability to completely own a room. Really, who doesn't like curvy Latin girls?

That's right, no one worth my time.

I saw a funny piropo the other day. "Damn, look at those curves and me without breaks."

Absolutely
No
Apologies

I just had an epiphany about something that's been troubling me, and I think it's cultural.  I don't think you could find two cultures that are more diametrically opposed when it comes to communication style and demonstrating affection. Derp. Why didn't I think of it sooner?

One more piece just clicked into place. I'll figure out this puzzle yet.

It's kind of funny and a little sad, I'm way more comfortable and treated much more respectfully here than on some other, "vanilla" social networking/dating site. I feel like a nice, juicy piece of meat thrown in the midst of a shark tank, it's ridiculous!

I think it might be time to let go.

Vague blog is vague.

Stunned. Positively stunned.  W T F, out of left field, totally unexpected and completely awesome.

In other words, you are going to have to be pretty freaking spectacularly cool to even blip on my radar right now. 

Derrrrrp. WTF, yo. And I'm smiling! ^_^

Discombobulated.

There's your 50 cent word for the day.

Ugh, not liking this bundle of nerves business.

Squee!!! Currently negotiating possibly rigging for a bondage shoot. I <3 my friends.

I'm a little overwhelmed right now.  Some of you have sent me meaningful messages that I simply do not have the time to be able to properly respond to at the moment. It may take me a while, but fear not, you are not forgotten. 

To the rest, messages where I have to really reach for something to say are likely to get lost in the shuffle.  There are just too many to keep up with.

I'm a little creeped out. Someone just sent me a heavily photoshopped copy of a photo of myself that was never highly circulated. o_O The original was victim to a HDD that died a long time ago, I haven't seen the photo in *years*. I'm wondering if there are other copies of "kitten pull" (name of shot) floating around?

Weirdness!

--

Ok, less creeped out now. Origin of photo wasn't from some random creeper that was using my pics (which has happened). Someone I used to banter with a looooooooooooooong time ago was practicing editing steez. Feel better now.  Also happy to have a less altered version in my possession now.  Still not the original, but closer, and it was one of my favorite shots.

...

Well, so it is with your voice

You're every answer, every clue and I haven't got a choice

And the very hope of you drifts over my bed at night like a just-out-of-reach kite...

And then I'm caught, you're tangled in my hair

And in my every thought and it isn't fair

'Cause you've no business being there

From "Caught". Emma Wallace is so rocking my world right now.

Started keeping a journal of what I've been eating.  Whereas I haven't actively been trying to restrict calories, I've apparently been averaging around 1k daily.  That might explain why my pants are falling off.

Shush, you! Get your mind out of the gutter! In any case, I've not been entirely happy with my figure, so I'm not all too displeased with this trajectory.  Going to work out a plan and see about shedding a few dress sizes and increasing flexibility.  I'm decently bendy, but not anywhere near as supple as I'd like to be.  If I'm going to bottom, I may as well be good at it.... particularly if I have designs on luring my dream nawashi. ;)

Holy wind, Batman! I really need to get groceries but I'm a little concerned that I'd get blown off the road. Sheesh!

Aaaaand caught up! I think. Assuming nothing rolled off and got lost in the ether, which is entirely possible. 

I seem to be a popular girl right now.  Which is okay, I don't mind the attention.  Well, most of it is positive, anyway.  Not very much a fan of being trolled, but it comes with the territory, I suppose. 

Holy exploded inbox, batman! I'm not ignoring anyone, but replies will have to wait until later.

For now, some Emma Wallace for your listening pleasure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBVS_CAUcmk

So, dear reader, what do you think when a woman says that she is "single and ready to mingle"?  Eager to meet new people, or slut?  Neither of the above? Thoughts?

So much for keeping my inbox clean and under 1 page.

Also, it's interesting how something as simple as a word changes how people interact with you.  From "switch" to "submissive" and suddenly it seems like I'm being handled with kid gloves. I'm not fragile. :) 

Really, I'm as sassy as I've ever been. Just contemplating new dynamics.

For the record, I'm not into cyber sex and don't "play" online. I have better things to do with my time than weave fantasies with random people on the interwebs. 

Thank you, drive through. :)

I’ve often been asked about my history when it comes to kink.  I’ve had certain… proclivities for about as long as I can remember.  I started out as a playful top, which is still very much my style to this day.  This is more a natural consequence of my personality, however, rather than a desire for power or to control others.  Because of this (lack of desire), early on, I supposed that I may be a submissive.  A friend of mine that was pretty active in the community, and at that time far more experienced than myself, was of the opinion that I am not naturally submissive at all.  At the time, I was a bit irritated, how DARE he judge what I am or am not?  I’ve since learned that his words were probably fairly accurate. The same friend also introduced me to the word “switch”, and I think he may even be the one that pointed me in the direction of this site.

So, shortly thereafter I ventured around these parts for the first time and also began my journey as a “switch”.  Since then, I’ve gained quite a bit of experience, but have done very little “switching”.  My experience as a bottom is next to nil. I’m a strong, decisive woman, with a commanding presence and inalienable force of will.  Again, this is more a natural consequence of my personality, rather than any explicit desire or active effort on my part. For much of my life I made the mistaken assumption that, much as I would, people have the ability to and will say “no”.  I’ve since learned this is often not the case.  Most people would rather be lead or go with the flow than proffer dissent. Time and again I’ve found myself in leadership roles and as the dominant partner in relationships, and always amongst play partners. That’s a rhythm that just comes naturally to me. Don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoy my craft as a top. I love the artistry, I like to play and tease and push buttons, and I enjoy venting my aggression.   But sometimes, in my private life at least, that just isn’t what I want.

I’m comfortable as a top, but comfort does not necessarily imply (complete) satisfaction.   I want resistance. I want to be challenged. I want someone that can match or at times even best me.  I want someone that’s every bit as strong as I am, because the same old beat just isn’t working for me and I want to find a new rhythm. I am confident and competent as a top, but as a bottom I may as well be a lamb. Lamb is a rather apt descriptor, in that I am very inexperienced in this regard, and allowing myself to be unguarded and vulnerable is a little awkward for me. I would like to have someone in my life that I trust, respect and feel secure enough with that I would be willing to consent to it.

Inexperience aside, I know myself quite well. Trust and respect are things that must be earned and take time to cultivate. Any submission on my part is a choice and conscious decision, not an inevitability born of some great need or weakness of character.  I am spirited and independent. I do not respond well to arbitrary force, I will never be a wilting violet or mindless automaton (at least, never for more than a scene). In a contest of physical strength (assuming a male opponent), scrappy as I am, I would almost surely be bested. In a contest of will, I’m pretty sure I could give just about anyone a run for their money. Trying to push me to something that I feel is counter to my best interests is unwise and assuredly a losing battle.  I would consider myself to be most compatible with a supportive, “daddy” type dom that is interested in growth and development, rather than a heavy sadist or strict task master. I have a high pain tolerance, but do not particularly enjoy receiving pain. I am open to considering exploration with a nawashi and/or “daddy” type dom.  The amount of trust necessary and level of intimacy is probably much more than I would consider with a casual play partner.   

To quote Mesh, "Every time it's getting harder, to be buttoned up so tight."

The hallmark of my existence is dogged perseverance and self discipline. Maybe it's because I'm feeling a little wounded right now, or maybe it's just decision fatigue, but I'm starting to wonder what the other side of the coin is like.

Not an abdication of responsibility by any means, but just... letting go. Not having to be in complete control and worry about every last detail for just a little while.  I suppose in part I may be grasping for a certain security that is just lacking for me right now.

I royally suck at vulnerability.  It doesn't look good on me.

"You're only flesh and bone, you really never know... I know the crash is coming..."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uKpqnJXGSs

Yeah... 19 pages in my inbox. I think it's time for a purge.

Along those lines, if you contact me and I'm contextually derpy, it's because I no longer have a history for you.

--

Aaaaand purge complete! My inbox is now squeaky clean and lemon fresh! Now hopefully I can start keeping track of threads better. :)

I'm getting pretty adept at converting things between decimal and binary on the fly. Here's to generally not screwing up arithmetic out to 8 bits at least. 

Curiouser and curiouser.  Nearly all the hits to my profile lately have been from people a quarter of a century or more my senior.  Not that I particularly mind, I'm an equal opportunity banterer, I'm just wondering why that is.  Keyword search maybe? I did just recently overhaul my profile.

Literally surrounded by portables right now. o_O Laptop to desk on left for testing/switching between OS's, windoze netbook in front of me, ubuntu netbook to the right.  I'd be having a nerdgasm if it wasn't so tedious. Knoppix done, now to give Android a go. That I might actually tinker with after this class. Though I'd just as soon use virtual box if I had my choice.

Apparently the flash drive I ordered weeks ago is being sent by mule. From China.

Can't wait any longer, will need to figure out what to sacrifice so I can do this portable Linux install. Grr. fdisk ahoy!

Contemplating chopping my hair off. Probably a little longer than chin length, asymmetrical bob (keeping Bettie Page bangs). Thoughts?

In a few hours, I will officially be one year closer to 30. Boo!

Though technically, my birth date started 15 minutes ago, I suppose.

I lead an exciting existence.  I think I'm going to read an assembly text while listening to an operating systems lecture. 

Oh yeah! Par-tay!

dull knife + onions = no bueno.

New pics, cause bathroom shots are hot! Not really, but I wanted to test the camera on my new phone, so there ya go. Please ignore the makeup tote in the background. :-P

I'm used to being "the baby" in my social circle. Between going out to "the club" last night and the hits I've been getting from younger [than me] folk around here lately, I'm feeling old. No likey.

Mmm brains. Delicious!

So since apparently CM has the WORST PHOTO MANAGEMENT SYSTEM EVER, or won't let me change my primary photo, in any case... the second in the lineup is most current.  Also not the best, bad lighting makes meh look old.  But my hair looks good, damnit!

Ugh! Added a new profile pic, which seems to only have distorted the dimensions of the existing one. W T F. Is there still a cool down period for moderation before images get released?

I suppose it's just as well, because the lighting was poor and makes me look older than I'd like, but for fuck sake! My face does not need to be wider!

Wooo, when it rains, it pours! Thank you to certain someones (I suspect you may know who you are) for reminding me why I continue to check in here every so often.  After months of drought, suddenly I'm inundated with smarties!

Keep on braining, CM!

Hawt! ;-)

It's funny, in some ways I feel like I can be more open and honest in this silly little blog than on other forums. There comes a freedom with a certain degree of anonymity, or at least social segregation.  Because really, the judgement of strangers is no judgement at all.

I'm way too pensive today.

Januaries are tough.  I'll be 29 and holding in a few (17) days. I can't say that I'm a fan.

It's probably just biology talking (tic-toc), but as I get older I am finding myself becoming more conventional, or maybe just more aware of conflicting interests. The eternal tug of war between the desire for a family and a strong career.

Partly because of my cultural background (very trad), and partly because I tend to look at things from an evo psy perspective, I think about these things a lot. Gender roles and whatnot.  I'd probably make a pretty awful 1950's housewife, despite the fact the I'm rocking the Vargas girl look these days. I'm quite a good cook, but a middling housekeeper at best (and perhaps being generous at that) and far too willful. :)

In an ideal world I'd be 1/2 of a power couple and wouldn't have to worry about these kind of compromises.  Work because I want to, not because I have to, and have the flexibility to devote the time needed to raising nerdspawn and whatnot. Bad ass in the board room by day, Suzie homemaker and purring house cat by night... or something.

In the real world... who knows. Maybe I'll just "grow up" to be an old spinster with little dogs, instead.

Some things cannot be unseen.

I have the sniffles. I do not approve. :-(

On the plus side, I had a break through on the program I've been working on. Should be able to hook it into unity 3d soon and wrap the project up hopefully not too terribly behind schedule. If we hadn't changed environments halfway through the project (changed OS, then had to rework from C++ to C#), I'd be done by now.

Oh looky, early registration for Shibaricon ends today. Hmm. What to do.

As usual, I'm awake when I should be sleeping.  I don't even have a good excuse, like trying to do something productive.  Tomorrow is going to suck.

19 pages to write, 2 quizzes and 5 exams to take in the coming week and then I will be off until September. Sort of.

J's employer needs someone to take over pricing since he was promoted.  The person they had doing it isn't working out apparently, so it looks like I will probably start there part time.  I also need get my dept to approve my internship for the fall and make preparations for the new student org I am in charge of as well. 

So, fall quarter is looking like essentially 2 part time jobs, school full time and organizing students.  So much for taking it easy.

Apparently the state code for Sailor Jerry is "Sailor Jerry Spic Navy Rum"

No wonder I like it!

Since reading about systems software was eating my brain and devouring my soul, doing some email housekeeping suddenly became an excellent idea!

But, since operating systems, networking and all those other fun 400 level classes do take so much of my time, the time I waste on here needs to be a little more worthwhile.

So, people of collarme, I challenge you to convince me to keep my profile active! I  know there are some pretty awesome people around here. I've made lasting friendships with a few of them.

Just lately... lately... my short breaks from studying have made me a sad panda. I believe a remedy is in order!

50% Woman + 50% Machine = 100% World Domination.

Or so I've been told.

I'm okay with this.

And god said, put it in a ball of sticky rice. And it was good.

Onigiri is my favorite thing right now.

I'm ridiculously busy and typically have more things to do than I have time to get them done. Devoting time to ambiguous dialogs for no apparent reason isn't typically a priority of mine. I don't hand out personal information to people unless I've gotten to know and like them first. Consequently, I don't "chat" with strangers and generally don't reply to one liners. Sorry!

I never much cared for working with fractions.... hex and binary fractions make the baby jesus cry.

My brain, it hurts.  I'm not that great at doing arithmetic in the decimal system, much less in binary.  That and my text tried to make a funny by saying a table was base 10..... 

But no, it wasn't base 10. It was base 1 0, as in 2. I'm trying to read the thing and I'm like no, no those are powers of 2. Ohhh! Harrrrr!!! *head desk*

This text breaks my brain.  I understand it well enough, I just wish it was a little less vague at times. And uber geek "humor" out of left field when I'm trying to learn something new isn't very entertaining.

Yes, that's right. I tied up your girlfriend. Cheers!

J & I get our nerd on with another couple we're friends with.  The guys work until 7. She's dropping by a little earlier so we can do a test run of some ties for a photo shoot we're going to be doing Soon™. 

Tonight should be a fun game night.

One last final to take. Just. one. more.

At 8. Booo!

Then a mad dash to get ready to go to Cinci for some green beer. Not really, not much of a beer drinker. I just want to shake my ass after surviving this quarter.

I'll probably be one of the few people that can legitimately say "kiss me, I'm Irish". Well, half anyway.  Oddly enough, this will be my first time going out on St Paddy's.  I guess I've just never felt the need to wear green and get drunk. :-P

Can't sleep, prototypes will eat me. 

I so can't wait for this god damned "group" project to be finished.  So close.... but... so.... zzzzzzz

Shibari + Industrial Music + Libertarian politics = fun search results. 

Unfortunately I have work to do.  Sorry to perv and run!

Hurray for the block button!

Why yes, I am in a relationship.  Why no, I do not use a couples profile.  Why? Because I'm an individual, thank you. I used CM independently before I became part of a couple, and I continue to do so.

He is aware of CM. He is aware of my presence on CM. He personally isn't interested in using the site. Therefore "we" as a couple do not have a shared account as I am the only one that uses it. Oh sin of sins!  I am an autonomous unit and am described as such. 

If your life is so sad that your blood boils over a woman not using a couples account, you seriously need to get a hobby.

If I'm well behaved (questionable), my turnaround time for mail is likely to be pretty slow until after finals.  Bear with me.  Thanks for being patient and please don't be offended if there's a significant lapse between when your message was marked read and when I respond.

It has been "decided" that I need a gumby girlfriend.  Because:

A) It's easier and more fun to work with a woman's body

B) J (the boyfriend) is the anti-bendy. 

and

C) Sure, J's plenty attractive.... but girls are cuter, especially in rope. :)

I wonder sometimes, why is it that a lot people that are comparable in age to me look, well, older? Am I aging well? Have they been run hard and put up wet? Is lying about age all that common? I'm confused.

Maybe my perception is just biased. When I was a teenager I always looked older. I was getting into night clubs when I was 14, and people would guess me to be in my early 20's.  Fast forward to 13 years later, and people are still guessing me to be in my early 20's.  Maybe they're just being generous.

Can string more than one sentence together in an intelligible way, good.  Not bad looking cover photo, bonus.

Gah! Junk shot. What a let down. 

I'm not typically offended by nudity.  Full frontal nudity and even closeups of body parts can be cool if artfully done.  Gratuitous genitalia just really turns me off for some reason.  I guess maybe it's because of all the ways a person could represent themselves, they chose to focus on that and only that.

You are more than a tool or a hole. At least, anyone that I'm likely to want to know has more to them than that.

In all the years I've been on CM, I don't think I've ever done an interest drill down. This could keep me occupied for a while.

Interest search 1: "Libertarian politics"

next up will be "Shibari", which I imagine could take forever... maybe the cross section of the two.

Damn, I'm a nerd.

I rarely make first contact, especially when I feel that I'm too tired to be articulate.  If I cruised by your profile, odds are I probably wouldn't mind a hello.  If I tagged you, I definitely wouldn't mind. :)

Please do not try to add me to public friends if we have never even spoken.  I have met  most of the people on my f-list in person, and enjoy hanging out with them whenever our paths may cross. The rest, I hope to have the opportunity to meet in the future.

I don't care to play the pseudo popularity game. I prefer quality over quantity. 

Thank you, drive through.

I've gotten my inbox down to 1 page. I think that's as caught up as I'm going to get for tonight.

I'm irritated.

I'm feeling hormonal, insecure and totally not my normal self.  Even though I know that it's chemical and temporary, it's obnoxious as hell.

Someone tell me that I'm pretty or something.

Just say No to duckface. That is all.

Hmm hmm hmm. Shibaricon falls at the end of Spring quarter this year.  Can I make it this year? Can I afford it?

Hmm indeed.

Aaaagh! I don't want to see your junk. No seriously, I don't.

I'm in a toying mood tonight.  I kind of feel like a cat with a ball of yarn.

Meow.

I think I'm caught up on mail.  If we had an ongoing conversation and I missed you, I'm sorry.

J gave my my Valentine's day prezzie early. What is it? A red swingline stapler. Most ridiculous valentine's day present EVER. ♥

What are we doing tomorrow? Going to an Oracle lecture.

The geekiness is epic.

Is freaking out just a little bit.  My tuition just quintupled.

Form letters and one liners, how I haven't missed you.

My firearms cherry was popped today.  I actually managed to hit the target a few times.  My shoulders and the inside of my elbows are a bit sore, but it was fun.  I'm not looking forward to the beating I'm going to get whenever I try out the revolver my father wants to give me. IIRC he said it was a .357 magnum.  The only thing I remember other than that is it was ridiculously hard to pull. We'll see how it goes.

O_0 I decided to cruise around ....

I have now seen more of some acquaintances than I ever cared to see. At first I was amused. "Oh hey! so and so is kinky too! Cool." and then its like "Oh hi. There's your bits."  I wasn't quite prepared for that.

J and I seriously need a second car. Either that, or I need to meet someone that gets their jollies chauffeuring busty women around.

Now there's a thought.

Give me a Sunday hat and call me Miss Daisy!

A note about photos:  It has been a number of years since I've been active around these parts. Consequently, the combination of the UI and my not being motivated enough to invest the time, my photos span a number of years and are in no particular order.   My look is typically more natural and Vargas inspired these days, which may serve as a benchmark for recency. 

Madonna vs Whore - Round One, FIGHT!

I am having to come to terms with some things, as a woman and as a "lifestyler". I am faced with the need to reconcile my desires and conventions regarding play versus how I have been conditioned to feel and behave "as a woman". I have been trained since childhood to have a "nesting" instinct, and that a "lady" does not indulge her less than virtuous desires, lest she be faced with rather unpleasant consequences. Every man wants an elegant trophy on his arm, and a whore in his bed (I use the male archetype as a matter of convention, interaction amongst women tends to be processed differently). Are these things at odds with each other?

I do not feel that play is dirty or wrong, nor that sensuality or sexuality is shameful. I can speak as easily about a simple fantasy as I can the weather. But for as stoic and logical as I may be, however, I am still a woman, more than that, I am human. I have thoughts, I have emotions, I have conflicts.

When the gap is bridged between the Madonna and the Whore, I ask the quintessential question, "Will you love me in the morning?"

The greek culture has many words for love:

Eros - Passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.

Philia - Brotherly love, loyalty to family, friends, community.

Agapē - Unconditional love, charity

Storge - Affection

My feelings on relationships, on love (above), on interpersonal conventions that work *for me* are changing. I personally, either from an innate personality trait or social conditioning, cannot remove fulfilling play from some form of intimacy, and intimacy from some form of bond, connection, or dare I say, "love". A crude set of motions, for me, does not intimacy make.

A year ago, had you questioned me on the matter of play, I would have rather emphatically asserted that this was only feasible for me within the confines of a long term, committed relationship. Since then, my perceptions on what constitutes as a long term, or at least standing or likely to continue in some rewarding form, relationship has changed.

Some time ago I was in a situation where someone very much wanted a comitment from me. The conditions that I thought I needed to feel comfortable were there, but I felt stifled and unhappy and as a result uninterested in *any* form of play. Some time after I had broken away from the aforementioned circumstance, I played, no strings attached. We simply played. It wasn't the most intense scene, or in and of itself the most earth shattering experience: but it was probably the most fun I've had in the company of another person in quite a long time.

I've spent a lot of time asking myself why that was, and the answers I have found have been reshaping my perceptions on a lot of things. I knew, going into that experience, that it wasn't going anywhere in the traditional boy meets girl, girl meets girl or boy meets boy sense. It was a moment, with someone I knew I could trust and held in high esteem, someone I've come to love as a friend and mentor, with feelings of storge, philia and sometimes eros without encumbrance. For the first time in a long time, I was alive in the moment, and that was a rather pleasant catalyst.

Will you love me in the morning? Will you see me differently? Will you think less of me... will you want me more?

I am of the opinion, that the past is behind you, and the future just isn't here yet, there's no point in being wrapped up in any point in time that isn't right now. Learn from the past, live in the moment, respect your future. All actions have consequences, but given this attitude, I tend to not run into circumstances where I am unable or unwilling to accept the consequences of my actions very frequently.

Over the past months I have come to the conclusion that the only tying down I want to do right now is with rope. There's more to a moment than a crude set of motions. It's the people you play with, the experiences you feel, the give and take of an exchange that can reverberate for quite a while to come.

"Forget about the future and the past. Only this moment will forever last." - De/Vision

Opening Pandora's box...

I am accepting inquiries for personal, service oriented submissives.

Activities may include escorting yours truly to lifestyle events, chauffeuring, aiding in general "prep" activities (dressing, lacing boots, corset cinching, making sure my head stays screwed on), light maintenance (treating rope, maintaining equipment, boot blacking), bondage, percussion play and other sundry things as they may come up and are negotiated. :)

The person I am looking for:

Finds reward in their service as a submissive. They do not use their submission as barter, or consider it as a means to an end.

Is not involved in a primary relationship or must keep their activities "discreet" from a primary partner.

Is mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.

Experience is not a high priority, patience and an ability to communicate is paramount.

Is equally comfortable at a kinky conference, leather bar, pansexual munch, or my favorite restaurant. :)

I am looking for a service submissive, not a kinky boy/girlfriend, not a sex slave, not a 24/7 TPE.

Think of it as friends, with BDSM benefits. :)

I have a reputation for being something of a "pillar of strength". I really cannot say if I agree or disagree with this assessment. I don't think my strength of will or character is particularly remarkable. I'm human. I am effected by my experiences just like any other, it's just a matter of how they are dealt with. You can take control of the situation and survive; or fold under pressure and be a victim.  I've experienced life in ways that some could not begin to fathom; in contrast to some others, my life might seem dull.

Desperate times call for drastic measures. Surviving or not hinges upon recognizing and seizing opportunities as they become available. Surviving, in my opinion, isn't necessarily a particularly graceful thing. It's simply something that is done because it must be. There is no alternative. The world does not stand still for circumstances.

So, with that said: I'm at a loss right now. The probability of my being homeless in rather short order is rather high. I have no "family" to speak of to fall back on. They've turned a blind eye to the entire situation, essentially. This was my fear when I first moved in here, I knew how unstable she (my "mother") was, and that it was a gamble with school, but I had no where else to go. Things have ebbed and flowed, there have been periods of violence and periods of relative calm where we ignore each other.

Hopefully, come fall, I'll be in campus housing. If that doesn't happen, I'm not sure what I'll do. She's not rational. In the interim, I have the sword of Damocles hanging over my head. It's quite possible that I may be gone for a day, only to come home to find my things in pieces on the curb, or otherwise destroyed. If I manage to not completely lose my mind here, I need a lock on my door post haste and hope I can ignore her well enough to be able to study.  I have a rather work intensive course load, I don't have time for drama. 

Meanwhile she's raising hell for me to leave. Where? I have no where to go. Not within the city anyway. Some time ago, I just wanted a release. I just wanted out. Now, I just want options.

I'm having a difficult time grasping any.

Yet, as always, the keystone to it all lies in being opportunistic and creating alternatives. I don't need a hero, I don't need a Mama or Daddy, I just need some place safe.  Unfortunately, my resources are slim. I'm here because my studies don't afford me time to be able to make anything more than enough to barely scrape by for recurring bills and food.

The only valuable resource I have at my disposal right now is service, which actually isn't such a bad wrap if it can be negotiated. Room and board is attributed X value, which is counterbalanced by a value of Y hours.

Unfortunately, musing doesn't get my Trig homework done, nor does it stop her from beating at my door.

Apparently Sissification is a form of terrorism.

Taken from freep.com

" Brief Cranbrook lockdown after report of man wearing women’s clothing

It's time to break some knees...

I call the University on Friday to see why I hadn't heard anything from them yet, they tell me to call back Monday. I call Monday, they say to call today.

I call today.

They say they're waiting for transcripts. I say, oh hell no, you had them three weeks ago.

I get put on hold.

Ok, they have them. They're waiting on the School of Engineering.

Alright, lets go over this again, shall we? I don't meet the requirements for the School of Engineering yet. They're going to say tough cookies. Do I need to switch schools? I fit the bill for MIS if it means I CAN REGISTER FASTER.

Hold please.

No, that would take longer. As soon as the School of Engineering stops dragging their electro-ass and says "you're not worthy" I'll automagically be put in the University College, which is basically just a holding pool for people finishing up a few odds and ends before they get admited into their School.

Alright. Let's cut the crap and the middle man, and just put me in the UC, k?

Can't do that.

Alright, look. I've been running around for a month trying to square away loose ends. Meanwhile, the classes I need to take are probably closed, and the quarter starts this coming Monday. I don't have time, I need to register ASAP.

Hold please.

Okay, we've admited you into University College. You need to make an appointment with an advisor before you can register. I can transfer you.

You do that, cupcake.

University College says I don't belong to them and wants to transfer me back to admissions.

Fucking. Hell.

I let UC know that I was just admited about five seconds ago after a month or so of red tape, how long would it be until I was in their records?

Call back tomorrow.

...

So, tomorrow I'm physically going to campus. As much as I'd like to, no, I won't be taking a baseball bat. Though right now, that seems like a very cathardic incentive.

 So, for the first time in the I don't know how long that I've been living here, I wen't to Carmel's.

Verdict: Not bad, not so good, either. Definately not high on my list of places to go.

The company was cute, too aggressive, but cute.

I learned a very good lesson about life and men when I was a little girl. There's a movie called "Blaze", starring Bonnie Rait and Paul Newman. Blaze, the main character, who just so happens to be a stripper has a very good motto that she learned from her mother:

Never trust a man that says trust me.

That motto has served me well over the years, and continues to do so.

Trust is a thing to be earned, not readily given. I don't care how many times you say "I'm not like other men," I've heard it all before. Patience is a virtue, and the first step in earning the trust that is the foundation of any relationship. Just because someone is eye candy, doesn't mean chewing on will be indulged. :)

of fetish and desire...

I'm a kinky girl. I like fetishy things.  I am not one prone to, however, having fetishes in the clnical sense. That is, becoming fixating with a thing or an act for the sake of the thing alone. To become arbitraily aroused by the thing itself.

For example:

Rope bondage, hot
Latex, hot
Garters, corsets, any number of things: fucking hot
BDSM... right-o, hot

But if you seperate these things, objects and acts from the scene and the person for which you are involved in this with and for...

Well, it ceases to be hot. To me, anyway. It's just a length of rope, just some shiny material, just a set of behaviours and motions. No matter what it is, if you're not into it, I'm not. Not then anyway.  I could give a damn about all of it if my partner in crime isn't right there with me.

I don't enjoy pulling my play partner's hair and pinning their hands behind their back simply because I enjoy pulling hair and exerting a degree of my will over someone... I enjoy it because I enjoy their reaction, I enjoy the sensation I've given and in return receive, I enjoy the exchange. I enjoy making them hot. :) I don't enjoy being spanked simply for a sore ass, I enjoy being in the moment and feeling, sharing the experience and pushing buttons on the part of all involved.

I don't tight lace into the corset, wiggle into the garters or strut in the heels simply for the items themselves. I do it to push my body to whatever idea of beautiful I have at that moment. I do it for the look on the face of those in my life whom I touch, the look that defies orientatation and persuasion, that says "I'm here, and for this moment, I'm all yours. You have my unmistakable attention!" That, to me, is what's hot.

If you've read this far you might be asking yourself "What the hell is she talking about and why?"

Well, I've been introspective lately and evaluating a lot of things in my life, and taking an assessment of many of my experiences. During that time, as is fairly common, ye olde random subby finds me online and immediately goes off into a laundry list of things they enjoy and want done.  So I pause to think, some of the things the poor guy is mentioning are things that, in theory, I enjoy... but instead of finding these things to be tantalizing, I'm pretty freaking put off and annoyed.

Why?

Because it wasn't about people, it was about facilitating things. Fuck, if you just want to get off go look at porn, you don't need to bother me.

Periodically I find my mind wandering.  Thinking about events and people. During my recent travels I had the pleasure of meeting many amazing people, many of whom I hope to keep in contact with and a few I sincerely hope to nurture friendships with. In my musings, I realized something. Periodically these musings mesh into fantasy and some twitterpation and I've come to realize the stem of these responses. People. Connections. Speaking with, learning about, and connecting. Not just any person, but the underlying cause and progression is what I've come to understand...

Filial to platonic to in some cases... eros.

So, I'm a geek. Finding common ground, parallels and meeting intellectually... yeah baby, let's go, and that's when all those dirty little secrets cease to be dirty little secrets and move into being fun. :)

Save me.... I can't find my way home

This place is fucking killing me. As soon as I'm here I just want to be somewhere else, or bury my face in my pillow and sleep. I've got too much shit that I need to do to be breaking down like this.

I'm seriously starting to consider just leaving. Up and going, I don't know where but anywhere but here, because being here is going to fucking kill me.

I need to start looking into figuring out where that might be and send off transcripts. It's not ideal, but being in a box definately isn't fucking ideal.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose....

So, I'm back in D-town. I think my mother is trying to freeze me out of the apartment. We've been under the same roof for no more than 20 minutes and she's already started with harassing me.

Yeah, home sweet home.

 Tentative schedule, pending department approval since *technically* the University requires Trig as a pre-req, not a co-req. The school I'll be transfering the Programming I class from, however, has no Math requirement at all.

M/W at Community College

Trigonometry - 4 credits - 11:00AM 12:40PM

A+ Cert class - 3 credits - 01:00PM 02:15PM

tentatively considering a course or two via web, though that might kill me.  

T/TH at University

Computer Programming II - 4 credits - 12:20 pm - 1:35 pm

Regional Studies: Japan - 4 credits - 2:15 pm - 3:55 pm

Computer Prog II Lab - Teus -   4:00 pm - 5:50 pm

Somewhere in here I need to fit in a part time job, and as much going away for the weekend as possible. Looking at my current schedule, there's 1-2 out of town trips per month that I'd like to take. Barring a sponsor, that probably won't happen. Nonetheless, being as far away from home as possible as often as possible is definately an important part of my emotional health right now all the same.

I suspect one of two things:

Imminent burnout

or

Being too fucking busy to notice that the limit was left in the dust.

Arrogant, overzealous "Doms" and sniveling, whining "submissives".

For the most part, this is the ilk that infiltrates my mailbox. It's sad, because for every slack jawed drooling yokel or presumptuous asshat, it makes it more difficult to notice the few people that are really pretty cool.

I know I rant a lot, and I'll probably do it again!

Seriously though, what kind of impression do you expect to impart on a person when you straight off make demands of beg requests from them?

Wanna know what that says to me?

Trying. Too. Hard.

Hey, maybe for some, it works for them.

For me, however, it makes me giggle for a half a second before I click "delete".

I'm a person, not a doormat. You might be a Dom but you're not MY Dom and I'm sorry, boys (well mostly boys, few women contact me), but if you expect that you might be able to control me - the odds are firmly stacked against you. I do not have a submissive nature.  If a choose to take that roll - for a scene, with someone - that is my choice.  Submission is a gift of trust, not a right that goes without being earned.

So the jacktards that send me emails demanding that I give them my personal information, or telling me to "read their profile and then decide"... well, do I really need to tell you where to put it? Give little, get little.

Similarly, which is most common with the subbies, I am not a sex toy. I do not necessarily want what you want. Don't tell me you want to "please me", if I don't know you, it obviously isn't about me - it's about your fetish. Which is fine and good, it has it's place, but don't expect me to want to or play along. Don't assume that I want to know about all your fantasies, if I do I'll ask. Don't assume that some silly posturing will amuse it, it won't. Don't call me mistress, I am not yours. Don't offer me your submission, I haven't earned it and don't want it. 

Outside of a "scene" context I am just me. I'm not a top or bottom or even a switch, I'm just me. A woman like any other, just one with maybe some different interests in common.  So to hell with the protocal and the posturing, to hell with the inane demands and the begging, how about just starting out with the respect that every human being deserves?

Y'know.... if someone want's to get to know somone... how effective is one line, really?


Email != chat


!= means does not equal, by the way. :)


Anyway emails that read like an instant message generally don't work for me, especially if the information in someone's profile is pretty limited. I'm a stranger, as a stranger, if you give me no information to go on, well, I'm not going to be able to determine if I have any interest in getting to know or talking to you, am I?

If I have nothing to go on.... what is my incentive to take the time to really go out of my way to try to? 

I think you know the answer to that one already, because your email box is empty.

I'm not being a princess or anything, but thems the breaks.  I've got a life to live and things to do and if I took the time out for every Tom, Dick and Harry that said "Hi! How are you!" or "U R Hawt! or "Wanna chat?"

Well, let's just say, I wouldn't be doing much else with my day. So, I'm sorry to those that I may not have gotten back to.  Maybe next time if you send me a little bit of an introduction I'll be more inclined. 

I know, I know, a lot of people complain that they never get replies from people. The above, is probably why. Take your time, 5 minutes to string a few sentances together is definately worth exponentially upping your chances of getting a reply, isn't it? What's the worst that can happen?  If you're respectful, I can almost guarantee I'll take the time to at least reply - I may not be interested in the same things as you, but I never leave a polite introduction unanwered. So on the plus side, you get to know someone new, or on the downside they say "sorry, not interested" but at least then you know. :)  That's if you're respectful anyway, if you're not, well I think you know that you're being an asshat and shame on you for saying those nasty things!