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| Howdy!
I'm a transman (FtM for the politically incorrect) and I live as a man full time and stealth, meaning I don't let people know I wasn't assigned male at birth, which is why I don't show my face on this profile. I've got the "original plumbing" and am not comfortable with it, so please do not discuss it with me, and I don't feel at all comfortable with its use i.e. backdoor only. I also have had top surgery, so if anyone was hoping for boobs included, they are not. Please do not debate my gender identity; I will block you if we go into uncomfortable territory. Almost anything goes with me except for the exclusion of hormone therapy. Thank you!
And I am complete and total guro trash. There are some overlaps between guro and BDSM, so here I am. =) But do keep in mind when talking with me that I am primarily interested in guro aspects of relationships, which some people consider kind of extreme. Caveat emptor or somethin' like that.
I'm more than happy to converse with anyone, though. In fact, I prefer to get to know someone virtually before going further. And I'm more than open to a casual or friendly chat! :D
I'm looking to be completely owned 24/7, mentally and physically. Being broken and reshaped by an owner is my ideal; not just submitting, but after developing a certain amount of comfort, completely being dominated, abused, and made to fear and respect my owner(s) entirely. It's one of the aspects of a relationship that I'd say is more akin to guro than BDSM, but I'm hopeful that someone out here is looking for something about as over the edge as I am.
In spite of being one sick puppy, I'm generally upbeat and tend to put a positive spin on things without being unrealistic, and I enjoy learning new things.
I come with scars, mostly on the arms and hands but some on the torso and ankles, a tattoo of 醜 on the right foot, some Japanese reading/writing/speaking capability, a good knowledge of cooking, both ears pierced traditionally, belly button piercing, basic first aid knowledge, some experience in massages, and some previous training experience. Recently updated to noninvasive surgical knowledge. Yay!
My particular interests include:
Medical based
Blood and bleeding
Controlled and trusted drug-induced mental states
Hurt/neglect and comfort
Restraint and control
Servitude
My hard limits include, but are not limited to:
Use of the original plumbing in any capacity
Interruption of my transition (hormones, surgery, legal documents, etc.)
Piss/Shit
Barter or sale of myself to another outside of previously agreed terms
Vacuum beds
Death (mostly)
Weight gain/feederism
Diaper use
Non-consent regarding a third party (consensual non-consent on my own part is completely welcome)
Animals
Children
Unhygienic/genuinely dangerous practices (e.g. ingestion of feces, transmission of diseases)
Soft limits include, mostly pertaining to trust of a partner:
Financial boundaries
Permanent maiming or disabling (e.g. loss of sense or limb, malnutrition)
Use of claustrophobic environment or device
Genuinely potentially dangerous practices (e.g. electricity, scarification, medical devices)
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I really do love humans. There's just something very nice about the ability to heal, or to change, or the...variance! I love how unpredictable humans are, I never know what to expect, humans are amazing. There's a profile for how things should go, but even with that, it doesn't give a good idea of how things should play out. Human bodies are great! And human minds are even more unpredictable! I love it, there's no way to tell what's coming. |
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I am so in the mood to get my ass kicked, I can hardly express it. That whole gut punch to the ground + kick in the ribs just...hnffff. I gotta get me some. ;3 |
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Situation updates:
I beat that boss, but still, GOTDAMN.
I've gotten into the holiday spirit by doing some volunteer work. I have reorganized almost an entire store and also Jehovah's Witnesses shopped there today and it was baby's first Jehovah's Witnesses. I really hope they didn't knock on my door while I was volunteering, 'cause life goal: invite doorknockers in for tea. Or lemonade. Or whatever. I know you can't feed Mormons tea, I dunno what you can feed Jehovah's Witnesses. They were really nice, though, and also bought a $600 fuggin' couch. That shit goes right to charity, which is awesome.
And read the entire thread of the Silent Hill Wiki circumcision conspiracy theorist dude and had probably the best laugh I have had over something in a damn long time. Unfortunate side effect being that circumcision, a potentially sensitive topic, is now hilarious to me by association. If I ever get my ass beaten in by a stranger via barfight, I am 100% sure now that this will be the reason.
but srsly if you havent seen that thread and the twitter reaction feed go find it it is some shit i havent seen online since ever and i used to be a hardcore 4channer like ten years ago |
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AKLD;GKH THE HARDEST GOTDAMN BOSS IN UNDERTALE I SWEAR
I get the patterns, sure, like, objectively this is easier than Touhou, but fuck me hard if I didn't have to do this over 100 times god damn |
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Coping mechanism: Write fucking fanfiction about Donald Trump being yandere for Bill Clinton
I don't question my internal mechanisms, I get my jollies from being stabbed repeatedly. Why should I question this.
Also, been thinking a lot more lately about how much/why I love humans so much. It's hilarious how getting personally angry at other particular humans does that, but either way, I'm pretty sure I'm gearing up for another spew about that, so heads up if anyone cares. We're getting a humans-are-my-favorite-critters entry soon. |
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So I'm definitely still considering making a Craigslist ad inviting someone to come and beat the shit out of me at some point, but then there's also a friend I have who might want to take me up on that. I'm so torn.
How do you even write that? "Hey, need someone to like, punch and kick the hell out of me. Don't hit the face so that no on asks questions. Will bring six pack. No weird stuff." ????
Also, morning thoughts: If I ever applied to work in a butchery, would it be better or worse to mention that I don't eat beef/pork/chicken? On one hand, this might make me look like I don't know the product, but on the other, your product is safe with me 'cause it's not like I could use it for anything if I took it.
And when I was a kid, humans were my least favorite critters. How the times have changed, hah. Silly baby!me, so tiny and naive. |
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YYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK
oh my god as soon as i am back home i swear to god i am going to drink so hardcore i lose a whole day
tl;dr there is more fox news bullshit but read on friends if you just wanna see how 9000% fuckin done i am with this shit
"Biggest act of terrorism on U.S. soil since 9/11" like we know what the fuck y'all are doing you racist, xenophobic asshats. Like let's just ignore the fuck outta all the white people that went around that shot and killed way the fuck more in one round than this, nevermind the overall body count over time, 'cause this shit works for a particular agenda and now we're going to just run this into the ground and just make this into an entire thing and just hRGHKALKDJSGH
One: racist assholes. Two: Islamophobia reaching French bullshit levels. Three: y'all that is super fuckin' disrespectful on a personal level to manipulate your agenda around the memory of the dead to create a rhetoric of fear mongering.
Also I love how this network gets, like, at least once every thirty minutes it seems a group of like three or more people all speaking at once over each other for at least a solid ten seconds. Starting to think they're getting prompted to do that or something. "WE GOTTA FILL AN HOUR LONG BLOCK YOU GUYS DO SOMETHING"
oh shit stay tuned here we have racked up a x4 babblefest combobob in just five minutes
i hate this network |
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There are few things in this world that make me want to drink myself into a coma quite like Fox News.
Like, Jesus hoppin' Christ, his racism is like, almost verbatim what's coming from that channel.
Although there was one moment in the midst of the shitstorm of racism and xenophobia where a guest speaker basically told the Twitter feed to shut the fuck up which was amusing enough to make me not want to be blackout drunk for about .07 seconds. |
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I've been helping take care of my grandpa lately whose hip is terrible, no cartilage and causes him lots of pain and it's gotten me thinking about my relationship to pain. Like, I know I've been told it's weird before, but this is kind of making it sink in.
It's like, I can see he's clearly in a lot of pain, but I can't wrap my mind around how he reacts to it - which, granted, I'm pretty sure is just normal. Groaning when there's pain, jolting around to avoid it, etc. I mean, we had a day where he just couldn't move.
Then I think about when I was a kid and had babby arthritis up to middle school and a little through high school. There were days where I'd lock up and basically be unable to move any joints without searing pain, so I get having difficulty moving, but making noises at all outside of alerting someone nearby that I would like assistance is a weird concept to me. I just mostly ignored it the best I could and just managed to keep moving through it while trying not to draw attention to myself by moving weird - that part failed, of course, but I did it without making sounds. Like, that concept is just really, really weird to me, the whole audibly suffer and try to mind over matter instead of just going "welp, here comes the pain, time to let it happen and keep going." Like, by highschool, it was mostly in remission anyways but even on bad days I had that shit down so solid that people didn't know that I was ever in pain unless I told them I had arthritis.
Granted, I'm sure debilitating wounds would have a new effect on me, but like in this case once grandpa's on pain relievers he can walk, so the whole thing is just really alien to me and it's kind of weirding me out how weird I think that is but I guess also kinda cool, maybe? Who even knows. Humans are weird. Fun, but weird. |
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New forceps have arrived!
Doesn't help the whole arm bit, but it'll make the process of stitching up my legs a lot easier. Two ridged forceps = awesome. Plus, one of 'em is a locking forceps. Let's do this. Woohoo!
On a totally unrelated note, I've dyed my hair blond, so that's fun. Eventually, I want to go gray, but that'll be an adventure on its own. Last time I tried, I was in g'damn Kanagawa prefecture. Around two years ago and also around the entire globe, so.
Good news is I have an eye patch now, so if I feel like only one contact a day? Done. |
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So, I was going to remove an old scar on my arm and stitch it closed neater so it at least looks a little nicer since I've never been terribly fond of how that turned out, then I realized there's no way I'm getting those needles in and out properly with one hand.
It looks like I'll need some help with that if it's ever going to happen. If anyone ever feels like ripping open and sewing up a dude, hit me up~ |
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Know what's a total pain to wait on? Healing. I'm gonna have to wait a while before I can keep going on that leg. At least I've got both to work on~ |
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Stitches progress~
I'm really excited for how this turns out once I'm done. It's tedious, but it looks great so far. |
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Put a new stitch in! I love the forceps, they make life easier. =) Excited to see how it heals! Got a lot to go. |
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-slams head into desk-
Okay, so, bright side of today: Work was hilarious, I FINALLY got my surgical needles, and we're all good! I started up my leg stitching project like I wanted to.
JRKLDAGRHG;DKAL part: I START the surgical part, realize I don't even have a thimble, inserting needle = hell, I manage to finish a very, very small part of a large project, it looks really good, then my roommates check the mail when they get home. What would be there but my lOCKING FORCEPS THAT WOULD HAVE MADE ALL OF THIS AMAZINGLY SIMPLER I AM GOING TO GO TO THE PAST FIND MYSELF AND PISS ON HIS CORPSE FOR NOT EVEN CHECKING
although im still really low on cotton balls god damn i forgot how much legs bleed |
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Okay, but like, has cat-calling or forced innuendo stuff ever actually worked for anyone? Ever?
Hasn't happened at me in a good while, but I just see it happen to people sometimes and I'm just like, why. Why does anybody think this is a good idea. It happens waaaay too much for it to be based on effectiveness, 'cause there's no freakin' way that this works, like, 99% of the time. I'm sure there's gotta be ONE person out there who's into it, but c'mon. Where is everyone else picking up this idea. |
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I get really nostalgic for some of the friends I made in Tokyo sometimes.
Especially when I hear lyrics like 君は今何をして生きる like, I have no idea. Any of these people could be dead, I wouldn't know. And they wouldn't know whether I'm alive now, either. I just hope they're all living happily. All I've got are happy memories. For all I know, that's all they've got, too. |
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-whining-
so like i ordered a bunch of gauze and stuff for when i slice open the insides of my legs to scar em up right
but i ordered the suture needles weeks before the bandages
here i am with a fuckton of bandages and no suture needles and a giant pile of grump
im so danged grump about this yall
Good news is, during the scalpel testing, I learned a way to hold it that makes that thing slice right down to the fascia. It's the real deal! Super duper smooth, I got way more than what I paid for - not even $2.00 for an 11 piece set. nOICE |
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Awwwh. I hate it when my blood comes out watery instead of coppery.
I got a few really good insertion points AND techniques, too, and now I'm gonna have to wait for those to heal. Uuuuugh.
Human bodies suck. I mean, they're great since they can heal, but they take so long. I'm gonna have to spend, like, a week if I want that exact point again. I don't have to, since veins are mirrored on extremities, but. It's the principle of the thing, y'know? |
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~Oh, mutilate me to Death by Glamour
boy howdy dat song
on a low note ive apparently gotten so good at lying and obfuscating facts and whatever that i have to rely on third parties (who are known as terrible liars) for arbitrary information confirmation even with close friends
im p sure no one i know actually knows my birthday at this point
to be fair that was like my intent i like really hate it when people buy me gifts cause im never sure whether i can give them somethin nice |
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Through a series of wacky adventures, I am now learning HTML and CSS.
I'm starting to feel like my entire existence is turning into the development of a range of skills that should be useful, but wind up as basically party tricks. There's, like, some kind of cosmic irony to this. |
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aaaAAAAAAAWH YEEEAAAAAAAAAH
I scored full time hours working from home! \o/
Now I'm fully funded, fully mobile~
Looking forward not to having to live on the cusp of financial devastation anymore. |
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Hmngrgh, I gotta stop browsing through medical equipment in my spare time.
But it's all so affordable, and it's got free shipping, and I gotsa have it. Hrrrrgh.
I had a thought, too, about getting an eye taken out someday. Instead of just getting it stabbed out or something, what if someone put out a cigarette in it, first, or something else like that? It's a one-shot go, so might as well make the most of it. Something that would completely drive me out of my mind with pain~ |
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okay why is like almost every journal article on neuroimaging and pain about its practicality in law
i just want an article that goes over the whole "oooh there are so many areas oooooh~" frustration god dammit is that so much to ask
i found one and i cant access it cause im not shelling out like $400 a year for a subion
At least I found a book that's basically the Dummy's Guide to surgery in the midst of that, for whatever that's worth. Don't ask me how I got from point A to point B, 'cause even I don't know at this point. |
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I kind of also wanna pierce something, and now I'm wondering how difficult it would be to thread something around my collarbones.
I mean, the answer here is "very," but in terms of, can I do it and how expensive is this going to be. And how long is it going to take. And am I going to hate how much it'll cost. And will I need second party assistance.
I'm guessing the answers are too much, at least a day, yes, and yes, in that order.
So the question remains, what part of my body is within actual maneuverability that I could jam needles and rings into that isn't my neck, 'cause I already played with that (and it was fun, but now it'll be boring). Can't be legs, 'cause I'm about to do something else with those. Navel's already pierced. Not in the mood for conventional things like nose, tongue, or ears.
If anyone readin' this feels creative, drop me a message, if you are so inclined. I would very much appreciate any input! Many thanks. |
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Hnnngh I'm so excited to get home and do the stitches!
Gonna rip giant lines down the insides of both my legs and stitch 'em up. I think it's gonna look so good~ And I mean, also going to bleed like heck and be painful. And good practice for making stitches, which I haven't done a heck ton of.
Maybe I'll. Even splurge and treat myself to a martini for it. To celebrate. :D It's gonna be a one-man party, hue hue hue. |
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FUCK I FORGOT TO ORDER FORCEPS
uuuugh why am i so stupid
murder me slowly |
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Slept the sleep of the dead, finally! That was a good 14+ hours of sleep right there. I spent two rounds of having more than 24 hours without sleep in a row, though, so I figure that was needed.
But I was supposed to cook for my fellow house sitter during that time and, well, here I am. At least it's probably going to be around at least noon before he wakes up, so we get to use the leftovers that were going out anyways and now I don't have to bring up the awkward proposal of dinner food for breakfast.
Granted that I'm having a good time here house sitting and dogsitting, I'm excited to get back home. 'cause by the time I do, I bet my suture needles are gonna be in and I can finally get working on the body mod I wanna do~ <3 It's gonna take a while, since it's pretty big and I'm going to have to be careful about blood levels, but I'm super excited. :D |
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I wound up staying awake over 24 hours and then :DDDD not sleeping well at all! For like four! And here I am 12 hours after giving up! :DDDD on! :DDDDD that!
Other than hating my body, though, I gotta say, I had some rad dreams through it.
They were pretty much a single coherent thing, too. It started with some kind of vague rainy car ride and I don't remember how I get from that to getting the shit beat out of me and left in the middle of nowhere as a bloody and tired mess, but we're off to a good start here. Then someone randomly finds me, throws me in their vehicle and I'm thinking if round one wasn't enough to do me in, this person's bringing the rest of the way, surely.
We get to their place, they actually stitch and bandage me instead of beating me the rest of the way into hell, and after a while of feeling good about this THAT's when they start bringing on the pain way worse than rando #1, legitimate torture going on (including sleep deprivation wonder where the brain conjured that up from), but any time I come even remotely close to sustaining enough damage where it might make me die anytime soon, it's back to the R&R and coddling until I'm in good enough shape for it to be fun for them to wreck my shit all over again. |
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There aren't enough stimulants in the world to make me feel okay about having to be awake during normal business hours.
I genuinely don't understand why there aren't like, little pocket communities every here and there where dang near everything is open at night hours. |
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uuuuugh i wanna sew some shit but i have to put in a new thread and i hate threading new bobbins
life is hard
life is really really hard -snivel- |
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I am total BBQ dad trash, like. Every time I see jokes about someone losing their nipples I lose my shit 'cause I don't have nipples. Like. Someone playing FE named a custom weapon "nipples" and it broke and they screenshotted when "Frederick's nipples broke" and that is the funniest shit.
Also puns.
For some reason, I'm way better at puns in Japanese than I am in English, though. Although that language is totally built for puns. The punnening. |
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Had a dream where there was a part where I was having to solve this puzzle, you can to just fill in some lines, and filling in the lines always hurt the person doing it, and the only indication as to whether the solution was correct was the pain getting too intense and for the life of me, I couldn't solve it.
It was like what I'd imagine electric shocks would feel like, but I've not been shocked recently and pretty much just forget how that feels entirely. Although I've got a bud with a taser. Hm... |
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Okay, 'net pirates. I realize I am not picking up any slack here, sure, but.
Where's the Tokyo Ghoul Jail iso? Where are the French dubs of Miraculous Ladybug? I have very small and specific interests and I want free shit, gosh darnit. |
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So, why do people make a point of covering their hands "over their heart" so far to the anatomical left, though? At best, you'd puncture a lung where most people aim at.
The me...medi...meid...whatever, area is basically covered by the giantass bone in the middle of one's thorax, so it's all good. Although the anatomy of the heart makes me wonder whether the left ventrical or the right atrium would make a better cut of meat. I've had heart before, I just 'unno where it came fr- WHY ARE THE NEIGHBORS AWAKE RIGHT NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP |
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I made it to 23 without ever having a hangover and here I am with my first one ever, not even from booze. It's from caffeine. I didn't even know this was, like, a thing that could happen.
I am never drinking that much caffeine at once ever again in my life this is awful holy shit. |
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If I can't say anything for personal talent, at least I was granted the ability to pour tea from dramatically tall distances. Which is useful, like, never, but it looks cool. |
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NOOOOO MY BLURAY DISC READER BORKED OUT IN THE PS3
time to wait for last gen consoles to become dirt cheap i guess cause im not dishin out like a hundred bucks for repairs
Thank god save data can be copied, I guess. Maaaaan, I just bought Valkyria Chronicles, too. Bleh. Motivation to focus more on those online courses instead, though. Onward~ |
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WHOO this week's been full of some good games, hot dang.
Undertale is amazing (and I still haven't gotten the last ending I need) and I just watched Cry play through Soma. God damn. That's some good shit. |
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Oh my god, having to wake up during normal business hours to do normal people things is the bane of my existence.
Why is the sun still out. Where my enthusiasm for nothing normally lies is a giant, grumpy vortex of hatred or something poetic or whatever. It's like I went from happy dog to, like, angry badger just by waking up. Why can't there be, like, night communities and stuff. The sun is terrible and I want to go back to sleep. Shut up, birds.
-long high pitched whine- |
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Recentgooglesearches.tumblr.com is a gift. |
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3DS stuff cheeses me off, though, like. I can read Japanese, but no keyboard? Why. |
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Had to wake up at like, midday today. I'm so sleepy now. I feel like I could sleep foreeeeeever. |
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-gets used to being away from people for weeks at a time-
-returns to roommates-
Fuck. |
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HOH. MAH GAWD.
My blood totally tastes like the raw fish I ate last night aside from the vague smoked taste. Oh. Hot. Damn. Hmn, I can't get enough of this flavor, it's uniquely that blend of human blood and what it ate, agh. Phew.
That's like a high in its own, just for how rarely I get this. I only ever get this from myself, but I. Ah.
I held down my lips enough to break 'em for what I'm doing not to slice the hell out of my skin for more.
Ngh, my sweatpants already have enough leaked on them to reek of it, oooh but I want more. Whooh. |
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OH but, this is entirely unrelated to the angsty as heckie journal bit from last, BUT.
If you're into Shuuen no Shiori, hit me the HECK up 'cause it's guro as fuck, not sure eactly how much it's BDSM, but it's at least a bit.
孤独を隠して
偽物さらして許されず
ねえ、完璧
気づいて
僕だよ
Check it:
kodoku wo kakushite
nisemono sarashite yurusarezu
ne, kanpeki
kiduite,
boku da yo
Hiding my loneliness (and despair)
Giving an impostor forgiveness (is unforgivable)
Isn't it done well, though,
Don't you realize it...?
IT'S ME
The rest of the song gives further context, but gosh darn, it's a ride. And a good one. I mean. Just give it a go.
The whole project, just, hnft. So much murder, so much yandere. I can translate lotsa stuff, beeteedubz, while we're on this. No idea how mine compares to others'. |
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I've been thinking of odd stuff lately, like.
Maybe I want to go under the radar, and I mean in the sense that I remain a missing person for the rest of my life. Is that even weird, though. Especially in this community. Heck, I'd say it's less weird than otherwise, right? Wouldn't even matter that I were found, I wanted it.
I just want to stop existing outside of ownership. Whatever the person wants, aside from my physical gender, that's it. I just want to make sure I get testosterone injections for the rest of my life, anything else is fine. That isn't a costly thing to begin with, even with my low dosage, nevermind I'll be a low cost thing, I don't even take $80 for a quarterly period on food. I take way, way less than that, haven't calculated it since that was what I bought last round, but. I bought that much and expected to keep that rhythm, but I'm over six months into that and still have plenty left to spare.
Oh~ And! I'm a good cook. I can do about anything with a general list of ingredients, specifically not for me. I generally tend to prefer dishes that are based in either raw food or very minimal amounts of food/fat/cal/whatever. No butter, just boil, no grilling, just toast, etc. Figure it's my upbringing. |
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Okay, but, consider this: Bondage, except with barbed wire or some kinda serrated chain instead. Forget discomfort, let's focus on potentially slicing a major vein. |
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Dang, though, I'm pretty sure some of what weirds me out about interacting with new people half the time is the whole treating-me-like-a-person bit, like. Cut that out. For one you don't know me, for two, just cut it out. I'm being courteous and nice to you because you're people, not because I expect it in return, dammit.
Heck, even interacting with people I know sometimes hits points like that. It's just like, y'all, I don't think you get the concept of something human-shaped being lesser than you and it's freakin' me out. |
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Humans are so wonderful, I still think the same things about them. Their capacity for contemplation and abstraction, the formation of structures of all sorts, everything that humans are and can create is wonderful.
I'm human by blood, I suppose, but I'm sub-human entirely. Humans and human achievement aren't something to aspire to, but to worship, for me. I can have similar thoughts, but I'm an object, not a person, not a human. I can look as much as I can, but I can't achieve or become as a human.
And, well, that's entirely fine with me. Ehehe, I like it this way. |
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Every time I try to open the box in an attempt to make the cat move, she doesn't budge and waits for an opening, then tries to swipe into the contents to grab 'em.
This is awful. I'm in cat-pizza-hell-something.
My friend calls it "Purrgatory" and well, I can't argue. |
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Update: I forgot how much one of the cats I'm babysitting was warned to really like bread-based foods, including but not limited to pizza.
She has taken up residence on top of the pizza box I had to close to keep her from eating it. I now no longer have access to the pizza, myself, and neither does she. I suppose this is her version of a small victory.
At least I can drink to forget. Thank you, alcohol. |
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Booze: get. Pizza: get.
Time to fuckin' party like it's 1793. |
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I feel like my relationship with food and weird shit is starting to get out of hand, here.
So we've had the past few days, which were odd, but now it's sus as fuck.
If anyone wants to send me their top 15 junk foods list, don't even ask, just do it. Do it like Shia LaBeouf would want you to.
So I was thinking about why pizza and booze are such a thing, then I remembered the alcohol class I took in uni, and why most bars offer up fatty foods like cheeses and stuff. Basically it has the inverse effect of drinking on an empty stomach, for the tl;dr. Then I was all, hey, that makes sense, no wonder junk food taste so much better when drunk.
Then I thought about it, and realized that carbohydrate-strong foods actually are up there with the empty stomach effect, and I thought about it some more. Cheese-doused carbs don't count at all, meaty foods work well enough, but then my definition of junk food started getting to me, like. Cabbage wraps filled with boiled vegetables are on my junk food list. In fact, so are lettuce wraps. And ramen with vegetables. Just anything that doesn't take me too long to make, really. And a lot of that is completely missing the point of bar food, so like.
Does junk food just taste better when you're drunk 'cause anything tastes better when you're drunk? I'm gonna imagine so. Ease of preparation also tends to be a trend in the foods that drunk people like. Lettuce wraps, sandwiches, nachos, literally a pile of canned food someone heated up, etc.
Big questions today, folks. Biiiig questions. |
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Today has been an absolute trip between finding all manner of confusing foodstuffs. First the arbitrarily flavored peanut butter, then this "frozen breakfast sandwich" which is hardly a sandwich. Like, you say sandwich to me and I think tuna salad with fresh lettuce and tomatoes or something, not a gosh danged biscuit with cheese and egg on it.
Also having to stay up late, then wake up early to beat those gosh darned kids to the jobs before they take 'em all like they did yesterday.
On the other hand, come December, I think my roommates are going to want me literally dead because I have found an airhorn remix of 12 Days of Christmas that is strangely enticing and you can bet I'll be using the season as an excuse to loop that shit every waking hour of the whole month.
tl;dr i have no idea what the internet is doing today or how i even got to half of this stuff now that im here |
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Okay, so, I just discovered that cinnamon chocolate flavored peanut butter exists. I haven't been this confused in ages.
Why would you want chocolate flavored peanut butter spread instead of just a chocolate spread. Like, what's the point of this. I don't understand this product. Who's buying this? Why? Wouldn't it be easier to just make a cinnamon infused chocolate spread instead of somehow flavoring peanut butter to taste like a chocolate spread that's been combined with cinnamon?
What is the meaning of this product and why did anyone think to make it.
Also, turns out I didn't really fuck up the insta-mac some days ago and that's just how instant mac-n-cheese is supposed to taste. I don't know what I expected.
What is food. |
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Angh, god, give me more of the torture that we get in Tokyo Ghoul.
Kaneki gets a god d am n centipede in his ear, ah, I can't even f a th om, oh lord.
The pain must be overwhelming, I wouldn't even be able to think, an actual living being inside of my head, scittering around, just beyond and even hitting the verges of my mind.
I would hate it so much, being torn apart for weeks, being held, being subjected to oh god the torture, someone leave me in your closet, spend days or weeks without giving me nourishment, oh yes just, ah, even just the thought of it, ah... |
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Oh, goodness, this fat kitty is so cute.
And the grumpy kitty is, too, she just takes time to warm up to people. I'm happy to be in the area of kitties for a coupla weeks more. Kitties are warm and fat and good.
Thank you, working online.
But also, thank you ease of income and mobility, since it'll make me a better pet, myself. |
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Logged into work, no jobs, but the second I finished typing out "god damn I hate holidays, get off the website, some of us are living off of this you asshats" boom, full day's work is available.
I am a summoner. A summoner...of moneys. |
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So, I caught up on sleep, and for some reason today I'm just in tip-top stellar form and grabbing gold in the derp olympics left and right. In fact, I'm doing so well I think some of my competitors have packed up and gone home early.
Highlights of the day include:
Waking up to a cat biting my nose (not like nibbling, like full on my entire nose is in the cat's mouth like are you attempting to eat my face or)
Realizing I've had the same song in my head for over two hours and somehow not noticing that until near the end of hour two
Spending the shower thoughts period of the day imagining drug puns with anime characters' names
Reading someone's surgery supplies list and thinking on how unsafe it would be to operate using a body pillow, flip flops, and wet wipes before realizing that the person was about to go have surgery instead of performing it
Wondering why work is so slow on a Monday since I only have days this slow over holiday weekends and oh shit it is a holiday weekend
At least I've got the insta-mac down by this point. |
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I'm so deprived of sleep, I just want to whatever, gosh diddly darn.
I hecked up insta-mac. Like, I boiled water, then I added it, then I made the insta-cheese separate, then I had to strain the insta-noodles, then I added the insta-cheese, then it was good. It was seriously okay. But just.
I worked. As a cook. For almost a year.
I am proud of my cooking abilities.
But this happened.
Heck me to heckies. |
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Cat sitting! Woohoo! Fat kitty and skinny kitty both give out tiny kitty snores while they're sleeping and it's pretty much great. The wee babbies miss their momma already, but I'm here to give them pats in her stead. o/
Also I just saw this screencap of some comic where a guy tries to answer his cell phone, but instead somehow winds up holding a dismembered, bloody hand to his ear and it probably isn't hilarious in context but heckie if I didn't just lose my shit over that. (I might be a little sleep deprived.) |
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Craves: raw meat
Eats: a fuckin apple
A+++ good job
Not that I can trust raw meat in this country, in general. |
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-wipes sweat off brow-
Phoooooeeeeew, I came dangerously close to letting someone talk me into putting a cigarette out on my hand (again). Kinda regret not, but c'est la vie, or whatever.
I oughta make an occasion for that again, I need the scar on my right hand widened to match the left hand better. |
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Dang, though, I miss having my neck piercings. They're temporary, sure, but somewhere between California and North Carolina I misplaced my rings and ball bearings all in one. If I had 'em, I'd pierce again in a heartbeat, but nothing for it, I guess. Least I have the spare ribbon, for whatever the hell it's worth.
Guess I can always buy more, but hell, I'd like to have the first set back. They weren't exactly on my list of cheap. |
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-opens FL Studio for the first time in years-
...
Shit.
I can't even remember how to get the dingle dangled piano roll open anymore.
At least I've still got a second language going for me. |
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I've been thinking that getting one of my eyes taken out would be a good equivalent to an engagement ring, then an eyepatch would be like a marriage ring.
Heee, then I could just wear the eyepatch on the leftover eye and be blindfolded like that. |
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Reminiscing on that time I got carded for cigarettes (I'm 23). I don't like using my ID, it doesn't look like me at all, and the cashier happened to be the asshat who's notorious for rejecting anyone for any reason that they can find.
My ID was expired in their mind, since 2012. I didn't fight it, even though mine goes out in 2017 (registered in 2012), but they were clearly looking at my stubble and not believing that the ID was my own without having to say that. Like, one, fuck you, but also, I know that one of your managers was trans. Double fuck you. Hrrrgh, I just. I didn't even need the reminder that I haven't updated my IDs. I wanted to buy god damn cigarettes, it wasn't even booze.
This is why I don't buy anything age restricted. I look like a fuckin' 15 year old and get carded for everything. I was asked at a family gathering for the Fourth of July whether I was old enough to drink. I guess it'll be flattering later, but it's infuriating now. I hate having to send other people to buy my shit. |
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I always wind up making my dishes too spicy for others. It always smells good, but then I just over-spice it, like, in the hot sense. I'm so used to eating stuff that's over-the-top hot, like, killing something with red pepper isn't even a thing. I really need to stop that.
I can stop myself when I think about it, but when I don't, welp. I guess I feel kinda bad.
I have an entire story of a five-stage-curry I had in Japan when I studied abroad. Also found some Cinderella-esque shoes next to a phone booth (directly next to the curry shop). |
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One of the biggest challenges in my life is pants, and just hear me out on this.
I'll have three different pant fits and three corresponding pant modes. We've got the oversized, don't even have to unbutton those to get 'em off. Then the oversized-snug, which requires button removal but no zipper action. Then I've got the pair that actually fits, so I have to use buttons and zippers to get 'em on and off. The last one's the easy one, since it's kind of obvious what I have to do for the on and off for those.
But then I'll be in fits-pants mode but actually wearing the oversized, so then half the time I, like the champion mental gymnast I am, will spend a good minute in the bathroom after hiking 'em back up trying to figure out where my zipper pull and/or button is before I realize I'm just stupid. Similar story with the oversized-snugs, but at least those give me the dignity of actually having something to do.
And let's not even get started on when I'm wearing sweatpants. |
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Yo, fuggin'. Let's get some more flash in the browser. Lookin' at you, Chrome. And Firefox. I know Adobe fucked up, that's fine, whatever. Don't withdraw support for a platform that supports, like, everything ever, gosh diddly darnit. C'mon. |
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I swear it's like, some kind of low-key hobby of mine to fall off the face of the planet every so often.
Situation update is that I'm now working at home, which is comfortable as fuck compared to the job that I left a couple of months ago. Paycut, sure, but at least I've got my peace of mind back. Service industry sucks. I don't need a stranger shouting at me about problems I'm not even tangentially related to. Yeesh.
Plus, now I can actually, like. Realistically look into moving somewhere that generally isn't here and still have a cushion while looking for an actual job wherever I land, if I even need one given the living costs of moving.
Money's tight, but I live simply anyhoo. Life is pretty dang good. I missed havin' my chill on. Stressed me ain't me at all. |
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I feel that I should clarify! As in regards to my last journal entry!
It isn't as though I don't feel human. That would be ridiculous; I am as much a part of this species as another, though perhaps less or more a beacon of progress and knowledge as is tended in great strides to this species. And both are so, so well encapsulated by humanity! Aaaaaah, please, don't forget that aspect, anyone! All who can presently read this are at least any one being which can encapsulate knowledge to this degree! That is, in itself, commendable to the point that I would commit to my own death to support it. What is my existence, at least, as compared to such a superior individual?
Ahah, but, beyond that.
I'm not a person. That is never to be forgotten, ahahaha. Well, I suppose that I, in some sense, function as a person until commitment. This is not to my own end, of course; I have no will, as an object. I have tendencies. This creates a best match based on comfort and barrier and preference, though with my general disregard. I have tendencies which cannot be denied, however, and this is a great piece of my consideration to the actual people whom would receive my lowly self. A best match made is a best sale trade; that is to say, when a person wants a device which can shred many objects, a blender is generally best, but to a chef who would want to shred bones, a specific grade of material is required. I view myself as such an object, as specified, to suit the needs of a particular user. There are the presets with which my equipment is associated, but as a human, I may be molded. As a person, however, I don't trust myself as much. This is a note of caution and, perhaps, even hope. Ehehehe. |
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Oh my god. I got drunk the other night and messaged my roommates over Facebook about how they shouldn't fight because they're humans, and I love humans, so humans shouldn't fight.
Littered with purple prose like calling humanity the "shining star of hope and progress" and "beacon of knowledge" and whatever, oh my god just thinking about it is embarrassing angh.
I live with these dudes. I will never live this down. Someone help me.
I mean, not that I don't already think those things, but. But I also live with these guys. In their house. And they're fighting over who the fuck took a spoonful of barbeque out of a bucket. Of note is that I don't eat pork/beef/whatever the fuck barbeque is made from. Can't it be both? Either way, I don't eat it. There are only three of us. They are having an intense "you did it" "nuh uh" "yuh huh" battle. On one hand, I think I'm a little justified in not wanting to deal with it. On the other hand, eeeuuuungh I gave an I-Love-Humans speech and I don't want to live it down.
I should learn how to make barbeque, now that I'm thinking about it. I don't have the foggiest. |
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Pfffhehehehe, a blog I follow used the phrase "beaty call." Get it. Beat-y call.
Ah, that just got me. It's a pun and something I want. |
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My cat is great! I say "my," as if I have any ability to place ownership unto anyone or thing, but... Anyhoo, the cat associated with my family is amazing!
I praise humans so often for their flexibility, but even outside of human capability, biological organisms...aaaaah, how fluid, how well demonstrated per adaptation!
I was worried that she would forget me, in at least one sense; my face, my smell, my voice, everything that should indicate my identity to people has changed, even enough to deceive humans themselves! Ahaha, but the cat, she still knows who I am, in spite of the changes. She is a treasure, a gift. I've grown with her and have always felt her companionship. She is a great asset to me, even without language. だが、国語なんて何でもなくてこのままで良いんだってさあああ。。。(Even in that thought, a language or the like is irrelevant for the situation, isn't it.) |
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Aaaah, god, I love this line!
僕は決定的に最低で最悪で愚かで劣悪で何をやっても駄目な人間なんだ。。。って素晴らしくて美しいよ！
"I'm definitively the lowest, worst, most foolish kind of lowlife, useless human garbage, no matter what I could try," in some manner of speaking. It's a long sentence, so translation's gonna vary, but that's my best summation of the thought. It's beautiful, wonderful, aaaaaah, what I would give to utter this in earnest to someone. |
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I'm all riled up from reading people's personal fantasies on a few different guro blogs and approximately five minutes from leaving for my workplace.
The cube's going to be interesting tonight. |
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AAAAAAAH I GOT SPSS WORKING
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
FINALLY I can crunch that data I've been sitting on for months! Ooooooh yes gimmegimmegimme yesyesyesyesyes |
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Remembered this website mid-Skype Party, and had a thought because other trans friends. =)
I kind of miss crying more often, but I also really, really do not. At all. It's dysphoria, I get it, but beforehand, I was able to cry very readily, even though I never did; I'd almost say I cry more now, even, regardless of my body's preparation for it (testosterone apparently literally shrinks tear ducts). For reference, I think I've cried roughly three times so far this year, if even that. I only really remember a single time, but I'm giving a generous estimate to be safe. It feels more like I've had an actual emotion instead of an empty experience at this point, though. O' course, I guess I could say that for any emotion I feel since going through therapy. More power to the medical wellbeing of trans folk, I suppose. I'm a lot happier now, at least, and don't feel disconnected from my body or emotions. It's positive. |
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Work selfie of the finished piercing! Not to be too hasty, but I think that red ribbon's my favorite. =)
Looks like, even as deep as I got some of 'em, there's no avoiding that rejection. I made it last the solid timeframe that's expected, though, and by the last I was able to do them very quickly. It's kind of a lucky break, in a way; I realized after putting them in that they'd get in the way of a collar, ahaha. It still looks really good, though, I think! I really love that I can renew this piercing as many times as I feel like.
One of my coworkers keeps telling me I should get a piercing license, haha. I'm considering it. |
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Second piercing's in! The symmetry looks amazing, as far as I am concerned. I'm very hopeful for the final product, but I'm going to wait to see whether the present technique placed them deep enough not to reject. I'd prefer these as permanent piercings, of course, ahaha. These are generally done for a maximum length of two weeks, so I believe that I will see the rejection within the next week, at least, if it will occur. Regardless, the cleanliness of the piercing makes me feel well in regards to my skill, if nothing else. A navel piercing and two dermal piercings down on my resume. =) Not sure whether I would feel well piercing someone else, but I suppose the experience and reference text would guide me. Perhaps I should look into a licensing class? |
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日本語の時間が来たああああああ～
じゃあ、僕が今スーパーダンガンロンパ2してるって、 なんとか狛枝と繋がってる感じてるな。。。えへへへへ同じみたいからさ、な？
だが、それより、僕が最近日本語を勉強の為色んなゲームをやってきたんだ、喜ぶなってね。
(Time for a Japanese post has arrived!
Well, I'm playing Super Dangan Ronpa 2, and I feel a sort of connection with Komaeda. Ehehe, maybe because we seem similar?
Anyways, besides that, I've lately been playing many various games to study Japanese, so I'm happy.)
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Dream time!
Two dreams from last night.
A childhood friend of mine, for some reason, went with me to Japan for New Year's, and we went to a sushi bar that I apparently really liked (I didn't have a favorite over there, so no idea what that was about). She took the initiative to pay, then told me it was $5,000 because of the holiday. I told her there was no way, that she should've had me speak to them for her about that, and after we'd left and she'd paid, I realized that she probably just mistook that about of yen for dollars and had just made their day. Felt bad about it, o' course, and offered to pay half back when the trip was over.
Second dream, I was in this really dark place that I thought was an oversized, cardboard box. I couldn't move, but I didn't seem to be restrained, either. I'd been left in it for days. I was starting to get scared that whoever had put me there wasn't going to come back to let me out. Then I woke up. |
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Angh, I need to get more prompt about putting in my dream stuff. For another day, I guess.
So, the highest high roller where I work called in the phone and I was the one to pick it up (50/50, at that hour) and I apparently tensed up so bad that my coworker even noticed it when I read the name. It went fine, o' course, and homedawg seemed pretty slammered, so it went smoothly, but holy hell if that wasn't a heart attack and a half. Plus, I'd been playing a game in Japanese, so when the call came in, my instinct was to read from right to left and I almost addressed him improperly. I did think a caller was the front desk, which is us, until I realized what I was doing, haha. That was okay, though, because it was a coworker.
Anyhoo, that's less important.
A while back, I saw this image: http://40.media.tumblr.com/2fee82558655019e7ae6ec38f62d4e36/tumblr_n4vaslwWTK1tpy0f9o1_1280.png
I instantly fell in love. I had to have it. I did my own navel piercing, so I've decided to have a go at these. I know that they're generally done as temporaries, but I'm going to try to get deep enough to have them as a permanent fixture. First one's in as a test and I'm very excited to see whether it rejects. It bled a lot, but it's also in the neck, so that's not really a tell. I'm very hopeful for it, though, at least, and I hope I can get all six in without too much trouble. I'm very patient with this and believe it will look great. |
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And how thoroughly my bluray reader is broken, apparently. I can't replay it until I get an expensiveass repair or just buy a new system. Fingers crossed for PS4 backwards compatibility, I guess. Or, well, y'know. Something else to occupy my interests. Whichever takes precedent. Or both. Both is good. Ehehehe.
Anyhoo, back to dream stuff. I had this really weird dream last night. That being the morning of 11/03/14, to specify. My work shift's from the late afternoon to the early morning, so days are a little weird to me. Either way, I had a weird one.
Can't really remember most of it, but at least some of it was interactions with coworkers in a very casual manner, yet the subject material was entirely inappropriate. Not even in the way that many would consider inappropriate, like talking about sex or something like that, it was just inappropriate in an awkward way, but it wasn't awkward in the dream world. No details on that anymore, just a feeling.
But it actually stayed with me because the latter end of the dream was a tumblr friend of mine who hates furries, requests that everyone they know tags furries, etc., deciding to put some pretty extreme furry porn on their blog because they realized they had furry followers. The rest of that dream was just me being confused by that. That was it. But this friend of mine is so anti-furry. It's beyond comprehension how completely out there that dream concept was. It threw me off for about two hours after waking just that my mind had conceived that. Like. If one were to draw a comparison, on a scale of one to the Leaning Tower of Pisa, this was the Alpha Centauri of completely out there. |
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A person chooses, a slave obeys.
Well, it's a corruption of the quote, but the meaning remains the same, if not a tad more accurate to reality, I would argue. Ahah, but who am I to argue, I suppose.
I forget how thoroughly I enjoyed that game. |
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Ehehe, I feel like I'm gonna have way too much fun with this thing.
I went to a haunted house today with my roommate and mom. It was super duper fun! It's the one I go to every year, they always do a great job and always have a new theme. There was a part in this one where they guided us via rope and had us all put hoods on our heads, then people whispered things in our ears and stuff like that. And I was wearing a scarf, but it was in a different position by the time I got out; I didn't even feel 'em do that one! It was a really creative performance. And hell tons of fun, of course.
Makes me want to try to get an invitation to McKaney Manor! =D |
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Hello, journal and the like that goes with it!
Entry one should be an introduction of sorts, I feel. I've never kept a journal or diary before, aside from a dream journal off and on. Maybe I'll use this as a dream journal?
If I go that route, in that case, the last I had a dream was too long ago. I remember grasping at pieces of it, I feel like established characters of certain works were present, but it's far too gone at this point, beyond twelve hours of lacking rehearsal. I'll do better on that next time, at least, in anticipation of it.
Aside from that route, I guess I'll just put personal things here.
I'm excited to go to a haunted house tomorrow with my mother and roommate! That's our plan, at least. I've got a costume that I decorated a bit with my body. I had a nosebleed, and bandages are a large part of it, so I decided to bleed on them for effect. I'm excited to see how it looks like that!
Otherwise, I'm looking forward to listening to and reading many creepy stories for Halloween. =) |
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