My profile has been hidden for some time now.  Why?  Because I needed some time for myself, without all the input from, well, you or those like you, or maybe not so much like you...if you are not one to email me with redundancy and idiocy. 

I left messenger as well and am not keen on jumping back into a life of chat again.

So what am I doing now?  Finishing school, starting a new position (I was promoted at work) which allows for a fair amount of local travel and some out of state, and simply loving my family.

It took a long time but I've decided to let Smith back into my life and he's let me back in as well.

Some time ago someone thought I had returned to Smith and he was dumbfounded, telling me it appeared as if I was going backward.  At that time, I hadn't done that and I brushed it off.

Today, I suppose the same comment could be made.  My return comment is multi fold; I've been in love with this man for the better part of 3 years; he takes amazing care of my family and me; he works hard every day to better himself; He's easy to be with now.  There was a time he wasn't so easy to be with and I would have to believe he'd say the same of me.  He's been through a lot, he's learned a lot, and he knows when he's won the game and when it's time to forfeit.  Sometimes comfortable is easy and sometimes shaking things up is necessary.  I've been through many of both and today I choose to be where I am most comfortable, where I know I am loved, and where my heart ultimately lies... with Smith.  It's been a long time since I've smiled like I do today and I know it is because he not only loves me, but wants to be with me.  I know he's not going to turn me away for another woman or another type of life.  He's going to stand by me no matter what, as I have him.

We are as meant to be as I've always thought and being away from him only confirmed such.

D~

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. (Cliche', right?)  I shared some time back that I did not like who I've become very much lately;  that I am a work in progress while getting back to a place where I like me the way I used to.

I live for reflection, introspection, and, unfortunately self preservation.  My need for self preservation sent me on a downward spiral.  I've done a lot of things that aren't really me, that are not who I've wanted to be.  That are not becoming a woman, a dominant, an adult, a person; most certainly not becoming of me.

Choices I've made in the last year or so have been in self preservation.  Cyn and Blaze....if you indulge my musings still:  Neither of you were mistakes, mis-steps or wrong.  For a million reason each I love you both in very different ways.  Cyn I will always love you for your warm heart and your ability to tell me when I'm being an idiot - in only the nicest possible ways of course.  In part, what's happening with me today, is due to your thoughts, words and desire to only see me happy.  Blaze, I will love you for the growth we shared together, the warmest smile I've ever seen and the limits you craved I push. I love you, ironically enough, for your honesty with yourself.  I wish I had been as true to myself this last year, as you were with yourself in the last month.  I will never regret any time we spent together.  You both remain in that Diamond Platinum Friendship Tier (thanks again, Scint) and if you ever need me, I will be here for you, as I know you will me.

In the last 72 hours I've been introspective and reflective.  What was wrong, was how I acted and reacted to the world around me.  it was how I treated some very important people in my life, including myself.  Times have changed.  The recent past is no longer.  Who I really am, who I tell you, Loyal Reader, I am, is a beautiful, honorable, dedicated, trustworthy dominant woman who knows what she wants and claims it.  Today, I can stand tall and know that is true - again.  Yesterday, I was not so sure. 

I have had incredibly loyal support from many of you; for that I thank you.  Some of you have stood by me through ever bit of turmoil in my life this last year; in my own way, even those of you whom I may never even view in a photo, I love you.  I love your care, your concern, your time, your kind words. 

Now, forgive my absence and probable lack of journal entries while I make myself whole again.

D~

Thank you, Blaze, for all you've been in such a short time.  I cannot capture in words what you've meant to me, what you mean to me. 

Scint said it very well today (he's my go to guy for all my melancholy and today was, let's face it, incredibly melancholy at a bare minimum) -

"The Diamond Platinum D~ Tier" ....that's exactly where you belong and where you will always remain. 

D~

**Please, I am simply not interested in meeting anyone new right now.

Thank you for your interest.  I am currently otherwise occupied and not seeking a submissive.

D~

For all of the wonderfully kinky things I like to do, most of who I am, what I expect, revolves around the basics of taking care of me.  First and foremost my submissive is my gentleman who spends his time caring for me.  Everything else is fringe and frosting.

Kinky activity, leather, heels, stockings, they all exist in my world, but they are not the norm.  Love, passion, care taking, honesty, growth is the norm.  Making me smile day in and out is the norm.  As you get to know me, you learn what makes me smile.

Anyone who knows me knows that waiting for those moments is well worth  it.  That being the man I need you to be day to day is the perfect way to spend time while waiting for the heels, the corsets and the rope.

I live a typical life with extra special activity thrown in, I do not live a pro dominant type life.  My sweats are comfy, my jeans are what I wear day in and out, and I prefer sneakers to heels when I grocery shop.  Just sayin'.

D~

I just read my own entries back to the month Smith moved into my home (Dec 2009).  The reading was bittersweet.  My thoughts were to do some deletions.  I tend to go back and delete things that have no consequence today - such as my hurt hand not to long ago...I could easily delete that set of entries as my hand is fine now.  My entries would be otherwise unaffected.

I've been through a lot since then; especially in the last year.  I've experienced more turmoil, upset and random garbage this year than I have in the last ten years.  Just when I think I've dropped some of the baggage, it, as mentioned in an earlier entry, grows legs and follows me along like the "alligator bags" in old cartoons.

You know, Loyal Reader, I'm intelligent, I'm funny, I'm dominant, I'm sexy, I'm experienced.  I'm loyal, giving, loving, and honest.  I want what I want when I want it and I damn well deserve that. I know I deserve that.

For everything I've been through, I also know I've changed in ways, again as mentioned, that don't really make me happy.  My good friend Scint knows me as no other does.  It's just the way it is.  He loves me for who I am and always will.  He knows my dirty little secrets, my foibles, my worst of the worst.  He also knows my best, my happiness, my charms.  That's just the nature of the beast in our friendship. 

In talking to him today, he reminded me that my core hasn't changed.  My actions may not recently reflect my core, but that the person I am is still inside me.  The loyalty, honesty and integrity, are at the very center remain true.  He reminded me that very few people simply are who they are and embrace that fact.  He knows me to be one of those people.  He reminded me that I know and embrace change, especially my own; that I know nothing but growth in any change that occurs in my life.  Every foible is an opportunity.  Every slip, misstep, screw up, or waiver is one more way for me to reevaluate my life and make it better.

I realize that the woman I knew is gone, but I'm damn well becoming a better one instead.  It's taken a step or two to make happen, but it's happening.  It pains me to say that in making these changes, someone will wind up hurt.  I may wind up hurt. I've realized the only way to change, is to actually change.  So I'm making changes and with any luck, they are the right changes.

Time to start anew.  That woman, who doesn't know herself any longer?  We're going to not only get to know her, but realize, ultimately, she is better today than she was yesterday...even with the mistakes and mishaps.

Love me or leave me for it.  Right.

D~

I reiterate.  Show me you know me, show me you want to know me.  Show me you may even want to love me.  Just show me something to help me believe that I am worth your devotion.  I know I am...do you?

D~

If you care about me, if you want to care about me.  Show me.  Tell me.  Prove it.

Know me, inside and out.  Know what's hurting so much right now I can't stand it and know what I need to feel better.  YOU, the most Loyal of Readers, know me better than anyone.

Show me I matter.

D~

Thank you to everyone who has stopped by, brought me sustenance, fresh flowers and electrolytes.  

I'm still sick; tired of reading that yet?  I'm tired of typing it.  I still can't go to Florida to see my mother, who I am pretty darn sure is dying and I am stuck laying in bed hoping those I care about bother to check up on me.  Some of you have come through nicely. 

Knowing who my friends are, means a lot.  Knowing who's there when the chips are down, and I am in my ugly in sweats, wrapped under blankets and only want blue Gatorade instead of yellow.  Yes, I know who my friends are.

If only corsets were as comfortable as sweats, I'd may have more friends...

D~

Just more griping today.  Still sick, much better than I was, yet still sick and feeling very...apathetic.

I am very unsure of many things right now.  I've laid in bed nearly a week due to pneumonia and had nothing but time to think.  What I think, what I realize is this is not what I wanted for my life.  This is not who I was supposed to be.  The woman behind this writing has failed in so many ways, has lost ground, been defeated, and succumbed to many things in which she never should have.

The woman I am today, I barely know.  The woman I am today, I don't like much.  The woman I am today, is as deserving of the lackluster attitude of those around her, as I am receiving.  Only I can fix that, only I can change that. 

There was a time when the respect I garnered meant something, it meant something to me.  It didn't matter what you thought, what mattered is how I projected, how I handled myself, how I moved about my life, day in and out.  Your respect, Loyal Reader, was garnish, was fringe, was icing.  Not because your thoughts don't matter or are not important, but because I didn't value myself based on those around me, but by knowing my own strength, self worth, and integrity.  My own self worth is what makes so many of you attracted to me. 

My own self worth dwindles some days.  So does yours, we all face that sometimes.  We can't be perfect every day.  We can't always have great days and attitudes extraordinaire.  There comes a point, though, when one day runs into two days which runs into a week. 

I'm sick, right?  Yes.  So this week I've not worked, I've not been the best of family members, I've been very non dominant, my friendship meter runs very low right now, I've been...apathetic.  One day runs into two which runs into a week...

Maybe.  Maybe not.

What I know, Loyal Reader, is this is not who I am supposed to be and who I want to be, who I need to be is lost somewhere right now.  I'll find her, that I know.  I just need you to be patient while I do.  You to be patient, you ask?  Ok, maybe you don't need to be patient, but humor me anyway, like the great Loyal Reader you have always been...and know that the me you've missed, if you have indeed missed me, will return one of these days.

~~So you know, for all the writing I do for you, it's never really been for you, you know that right?  It's still really all about me...for that I thank you~~

And for you out there, that turns me away, my ability to continue to feel secure; right now, as I am, lost, and unsure, becomes threatened more and more with each push away.  If you don't mean to push, then please tell me, because I feel pushed away at a time when I really need to feel pulled closer.

D~

He had surgery today, nothing major, but surgery nonetheless.  Me?  I was right there by his side, right?  No, of course not.  Why?  Why wouldn't I be there?  It's the right girlfriend thing to do, isn't it?  Of course it is. 

Yet I have to be sick today.  Not just a little under the weather with a runny nose sick, but can barely walk, can't stop coughing, fevers and sweating sick.  Right now, as I write this, I feel the best I've felt all day and I'm still actually in bed. 

I'm aggravated and as I look toward the rest of my week, I won't be able to see him at all.  I have meetings the next two days that I cannot miss and Thursday I'm flying to Florida.  I won't be back until Sunday.

I have nothing eloquent to say, nothing positive to say.  I simply need to gripe at life right now.  So much for being the good girlfriend. 

D~

I sit here bursting with desire to scream out at the world yet how to say what I want is near impossible.  Even for me, who has no problem with words, a turn of phrase, or eloquence when I desire, have no adequate expression for what's inside me right now.

Suffice to say, "it's way better after you."  *S*

D~

Simple devotion with appropriate questions.  Doesn't that seem eloquent, attainable, fulfilling and successful?

I was chatting, much like I often do, with someone completely unobtainable.  Why do I chat with such individuals?  Because I have attainable waiting for me, and I for him.  Blaze and I can and do have each other. 

So why chat at all?  Because diversity is fun, educational and something to experience.  I like diversity in the people with whom I interact.  I've learned many new things about Wales, interestingly enough.  From a conversation with a very kind person from Wales, we discussed my interests, wants, desires and from that was born:  I expect simple devotion with appropriate questions.

What does that mean?  I don't want some man who feels devoted out of a duty to be because "me dominant, you submissive" (insert primitive chest beating here).

I want him to see me as the woman of his dreams (whatever that may look like) and want to treat me as I know I deserve and expect.  I want him to treat me this way because in doing so he feels a great sense of satisfaction and comfort in doing so.

Simple devotion with appropriate questions...ask questions, be appropriate, devote your heart and submission to me. 

Is that too much to ask?

I think there will be more to come on this topic.  We shall see...

D~

This weekend is good. It is Blaze's birthday today.  I'm not with him.  How can that be good?  Well read on.

I've let go of pain and anger this weekend.  I've held on tighter to care and happiness and even love this weekend.  I've moved forward with another step toward finally having that daily smile and lack of sighs.

I anticipate seeing Blaze again soon and that's wonderful. Without a doubt I've missed him these past days.  I almost enjoy knowing I miss him. Well I enjoy the idea of it. Missing him actually sucks....yet it means I feel something inside me that's good. 

Now I can finally say I look forward to being home too.   I don't mind walking in the door now.  I don't mind knowing my whole family is there anticipating my arrival.  Yes, my family is whole again, without angst; all with warmth, care and friendship.

My heart and mind has been restful.  Even knowing I've spent the weekend of his birthday without him, that's been ok.  That's huge for me, Loyal Reader.  If you really know me, you know I want what I want when I want it. The idea that I'd ever be without someone I care about on a special day is nearly ludicrous, right?

When I knew I wouldn't see him on or about his birthday, my mind and heart did exactly the opposite of what they normally do when something like this occurs.  We'll not talk about what normally happens...so... on to what did happen.

I did the right thing.  I sat back, I assessed my feelings, I shared a plan, I allowed for space that I would not have otherwise and it has worked out wonderfully.  He's doing what makes him feel good, happy, peaceful.  I'm good, happy and at peace with that in a way I never would have been with anyone else in my life (ahhh....growth is good, Loyal Reader).

In allowing myself that freedom, fences were mended, space was given, and growth was achieved at home, where it was oh so much needed. 

My family may be different, much different from those around me, but the fact is, we all love each other and only want to see the best for each other.  We all are moving forward in a good way today and all because I allowed myself to be ok missing Blaze's birthday.

Oh, did I mention I planned?  That's correct, I planned something.  Something specific, special, and worthy.  Just for the record...his birthday will not go uncelebrated and I will not go without ensuring it's done right. *S*

D~

Everything eventually come full circle, and so it has this weekend.  The pressure is gone.  I've taken the steps to share why I've felt melancholy lately.  He understood as best he can; and that I understand.  I've released and let go of all the stuff I should...I actually did that some time ago, yet it keeps cropping up. 

Some time ago I had a journal entry relating how I let different pieces of baggage fall away.  Now I think that carry on is like the alligator satchel in the cartoons that gets up and walks around...It follows me around hoping I will pick it back up and run with it.  Nope.  Not going to do it.  I am moving forward, happily.

Happily. As always a wonderful time this weekend.  Blaze continues to stay true to his moniker and creates a blaze inside me that burns brighter every time we meet.  Opening up to him last night was, I believe the single most intelligent thing I've done in quite some time.  I feel relaxed, happy and finally free.

For anyone out there, who holds a torch, who won't let go, who's being pursued when you don't want to be pursued, who knows what's right in front of you is exactly the wrong thing for you, yet you can't help but love still...

Move forward, don't look back, take a leap into what you don't know and reap the benefits...if you are lucky.  I Loyal Reader, am indeed a lucky girl. 

Thank you for doing your best, Blaze.  Your best is perfect for me.

D~

I was challenged yesterday.  I was challenged to determine what it is I want from life, from a companion, from a submissive, from a friend.  That's a lot of challenges to face, quite frankly.

"Where did you start?", a Loyal Reader may ask.  I had to start at the easiest point and that was to review my very own CM profile.  I realize that my profile is well written and I talk a lot about who I am.  At the very end of said profile, I give my desires, in general.  Desires that a submissive will read and say "Yes!  I can do that!"  That's the whole point, right....right? To make one's self so attractive that the masses come forth and ask for your company. 

So, what do I really want?  I want a friend, first and foremost.  If we can't be friends to start, if you can support me when I'm down or happy then I certainly don't want you bound in my rope and more certainly not in my bed.  So, in truth, I started with friend.

In a friend I crave someone who tells me like it is, calls back even when he knows I'm going to ask him to move furniture and will call me when he needs a shoulder.  He is smart and funny and caring. Those are the basics.

So, taking the basics and moving along, what's next....a submissive.  I want him to want to please me, not just anyone, everyone, but me.  I want him to crave me enough that he wants to learn what makes me tick.  He knows that when I'm wearing black pants to work I'm going to choose those shoes.  He knows that I don't like green beans as a side dish but will eat them in a stir fry.  He knows that I actually enjoy doing things for him, and if I choose to bake for him or get a gift for him, it's not deferring or submitting, it's that I want to do it.

He knows that when I am stressed, sad, melancholy, or mad the best thing he can always do for me is to wrap his arms about me and hold me....even if my negative emotions directly relate to him.  Wrap his arms about me and hold me.  He knows I won't pull away, he knows that even in anger I still want him close, that a kiss, a smile, a hug, will melt my exterior and make everything okay again.  He knows just by my voice or demeanor that I have a headache.  He knows how to soothe said headache.

Every single act of submission, of valor, of chivalry occurs because he knows it makes me smile and he loves doing it simply because it makes me smile.

.....My companion.....I want to know he's always going to be there, even when I'm at my worst and he knows I'll be there, even when he's at his worst.  We both know we can work through anything as long as we communicate; that nothing is futile if we truly care for, dare I say, love each other.

What do I want from life?  I want success and to learn from my failures. I want my family to know that I love them and they me. I want sincere happiness with whom I've chosen to walk. 

D~

I am inspired to write, yet I know not what to say.  I am sure, as most of you know by now, once I've started, I'll find my words flow as easily as, dare I say, water over the falls?

I sit here looking at this pink block of text space and know I want to scream from the rooftops, yet also know I want to remain subtle.  'Tis not an easy life I lead, where subtle is involved.  I don't do that well, it seems.

I've been happy, sad, confused, angry and just plain lost in the recent past.  I've craved some solace, some freedom from the roller coaster of emotions.  I've craved steady again.  I feel that may be within my grasp now, yet as tumultuous as life can be, I move with trepidation.

I am thankful for what I've gained, who I've met, and the life lessons I've learned, but damn it, it's time for the lessons to be done and life to be lived.  It's time to smile again -  everyday. It's time to end the tears, the sleepless nights and heavy sighs.  It's time to know what I know and let go of what I don't own.

He is in my heart and mind.  He brings smiles to my face, joy to my day and dominance to my forefront in all the right ways...I simply want to exist within his arms for as long as we both know it's right.

One for the road....*sigh*.

D~

"Best to let the morphing animal become what it wishes to be, don't you think?"

I logged in this a.m. ready to write about change and understanding and allowing the flow of what's to come happen without tossing up extra obstacles.  I was ready to beat my river analogy to death once again. 

In front of me when I logged in was the account belonging to RiverOfSolace.  In his profile were these words, as mentioned above.  They, as did the entirely very well written profile, captured me.

I will confess I asked to steal them, with all due credit, and stole them anyway without hearing a reply.  I suppose if he emails me back offended, I'll go back to plan A.  Until such time, I really needn't say more.

"Best to let the morphing animal become what it wishes to be, don't you think?"

~ Thank you, perfect stranger.

D~

So all weekend, if you wondered why your emails went unanswered, I was at a convention.  I had a wonderful time with a wonderful man.  There was bondage and beautiful rope, paddles and canes, new toys and experiences and a simply delicious time was had by all. 

I cannot stop smiling as the outlet this weekend was much overdue.  My escort Blaze, was perfect in every way every moment of the weekend and I know he thought the same of me.  (Thank you.)  We grew together this weekend - for each other and because of each other.  My mind is still reeling from the events and I know I need to sit back and just enjoy the time we had.  

Writing here, as you know, allows me some processing of my most raw emotions sometimes.  That's what I feel tonight - raw emotion.  Nothing but smiles and raw happiness.

D~

I am not by any means recovered, I've just learned to type minus a left index finger with some dexterity now.  Between the 9-5 job and education, typing cannot be ignored.

The story:  It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon last weekend and Blaze and I shared a motorcycle ride through the area in which he lives.  It was cool, crisp, the trees were budding and blooming, the sun was shining.  The bike, the bike was stunning; gorgeous pearl with gold trim and the company?  Perfection, as is always with Blaze.  We took off through the main streets, hit a few roads a little more country and headed back to his place to relax awhile.  We were out for about 30 - 45 minutes.  Nary a scrape, scratch, muffler burn or bug in my teeth.  It was quite truly perfect.

Sunday was equally as beautiful and my littlest one asked to go to the park.  I agreed that would be a fine idea and I set off to walk as it's only a few blocks.  She asked if she could ride her bike (she's riding with two wheels like a pro now) and I was all for a leisurely bike ride to the park.  I hopped on the three speed and as I got out of the driveway I realized the bike was not quite in gear correctly.  There is a small "S" curve that must be maneuvered in this spot and between the curve and the gear exchange and maybe just a bit of stupidity, I dropped the bike and I dropped it hard - 3 seconds into the ride.

I have road rash, cuts, huge bruises, sore muscles, scrapes, torn tissue and a nail that will be lost all because at nearly age 40 I've not learned yet, how to ride a bike without training wheels.  Yes, Loyal Reader, it simply is not as easy as riding a bike.  I learned that the hard way; literally.

So the myriad of jokes, aforementioned not withstanding, is endless.  My favorite thus far?  "If I had been on the bitch seat of the bicycle, this never would have happened!"

So there is the story.  My finger will one day recover, but I am not sure when.  I did not see a doctor nor did I go to the hospital.  I am a nurse damn it, I don't need an ER to tell me how to bandage my finger. *S* 

While it is funny today, fact is, I did begin to go into shock from the pain Sunday.  It was beyond imaginable, as my finger is torn up horribly.  It still shows signs of active bleeding, albeit barely.  Luckily Smith was there for me, as he always is when it counts, and he took care of my injuries and listened when I told him how to handle the shock.  I survived. 

For two days I could barely type and could not write at all.  I had no less than 6 bandages on my body at any given time and I still today am achy all over and cannot leave my hand dependent for more than a moment without the throbbing....all from a bicycle crash.  I am down to only an ugly bandage on what is now a very ugly finger.  Upside, even bruised and torn, my hands are still quite lovely. 

I will begin to return emails properly now.  Thanks for the well wishes and patience,

D~

Loyal Readers and those who are emailing me...

I hurt my hand and can barely type.  I will get back to you when I am better.  I'll also journal the story then, please don't ask me what happened.  Too much to type.  (I need an interim sub secretary?)

Thank you in advance for your concern and well wishes.

D~

*Sigh*

Even the "break up"  date was wonderful.  You are right Blaze, This sucks.  On the upside, we walk away knowing there is always someone there to lean on, to spend time with, to just enjoy the company.  We walk away knowing we aren't fully walking away, we are just restructuring.

I cannot wait for the weekend, I know we'll have a wonderful time, albeit bittersweet on the ride home.  

Thank you...for every moment past and every moment to come.

D~

There is too much good, too many smiles, too often laughter, too great a connection, too much of a common interest to simply allow things to fall away and die.  I can't imagine, in any world, where that would make sense.  

I've craved this part of my life and been fortunate enough to live it to some extent, for the better part of 20 years.  What's missing is that permanence, that understanding and faith in knowing full well tomorrow will be as today; that I will wake knowing he's as strong in us as I.

I know that my life is one that must be understood, accepted, and wanted on a level much higher than that of your typical life.  My marriage is something that can't be undone (because I don't want it undone) and is a part of who I am.  My marriage is very atypical, always was, always will be and that's the way he and I like it.

To want me, to fully have me, is to accept all of me. I am worth it, of this I can assure you. I am worth the turmoil you may have at first in relation to my husband. He can be an obstacle in the mind of a submissive getting to know me, however, it can be overcome.  How do I know this? 

If YOU are worth my time; if you are someone I care to be with, then I will ensure you, without fail, that I am certainly worth your time.  I have confidence in my abilities to be someone wonderful for you.  Why?  Because with my dominance, with my education, with my age, with my common sense, with my experience in this lifestyle comes a rational understanding of what the general human condition needs and wants.

Because I already know on some level, I'm pretty damn amazing.  I know that I have the capacity to love beyond words, to give all of me (even though I already give to so much), to be a friend, a lover, a desire, a dominant for the right man.

I know it can work, because I've made it work.  I'm going on three years with the same man in my house, caring for my family, my home, and for me.  It's been very good most of the time.  It has never been bad due to my marriage.  It has never been bad because I have a family.  This relationship had to change, had to evolve for reasons that are not mine to share.  They belong to him and that's okay.  Even in his need to move forward with other things, I fully stand behind him and support him in his quest (be it right or wrong) to give us all a better world.  

So that evolution brought me back here several months ago, seeking someone new to share my world.  As most of you who have followed my journals know, when things are settled and really good, my writing becomes more sporadic and I may not be seen here for months and months on end.  Then, as things change, I move forward, I return. 

I return to seek out something I need.  I return to have catharsis in my journal writing.  I return to share when I've found someone I believe could be very special to me.  I return to allow you to garner a small gem of knowledge new and different than what you may already feel you know.

With each entry, I believe I give you more to understand me.  I know I give.  What you do with that, I suppose, only you can say. I don't like wasting my time, or yours, really.  I want you to know exactly what you are walking into as you step into my world. 

I don't hide anything, ever.  The more you know of me up front the more likely you are to understand and be accepting of who I am.  Having said that, I also know that we often don't understand ourselves well enough to know our own boundaries and limits.

That's what this is all about, right?  Understanding our boundaries and limits.  What some men don't know,until they have been pushed to the edge of that cliff, is that a married woman is indeed a limit they can't break.  They simply cannot take the leap of faith.  I've encountered this on many occasions, though most often I learn it early enough in that no one feels pain because of it.  That's okay.  I get it, I get it more than you may believe.

When the connection exists, when the enjoyment is there, when my marriage is the only deal breaker and everything else seems right, good, special, and able to move forward, that's when it's tough.  That's when indecision happens and we can't always simply say "thanks, but no thanks, you aren't for me".

So full circle now...back to paragraph one.  "There is too much good, too many smiles, too often laughter, too great a connection, too much of a common interest to simply allow things to fall away and die.  I can't imagine, in any world, where that would make sense."  However, we have no idea what to do with it otherwise. 

When you know what you want from life, you should not have to compromise realistic expectations. 

When you know what you want from life, you should not have to let the inability to break paradigms stop you from moving forward. 

What happens when the paradigm so in need of breaking is the compromise?  I have no idea.  That's exactly where I sit today.  My paradigms in his life, are a compromise he seems not willing to take.  Why?  Because his wants and needs in life are absolutely realistic.  We all have every right to find what we want.  If what he wants is a woman without a husband, then he deserves that, right?

How about when everything else about me is what he wants?  Then what?  In every partner there is good and not so good. We are not perfect.  We all have flaws in the eyes of others.  The flaws that are in your eyes may very well be the spark for someone else.  That's just life regardless of what life we lead.  It is up to you, Loyal Reader, to decide if my flaws are worth what makes your heart spark. 

I once read in a profile that it seems that women on CM, much like reading a magazine, seem to keep flipping the page in hopes of something better on the next page with no real desire to commit to what they've just experienced on page 1.  That is not who I am.  That is not what I want from life, BDSM oriented or otherwise.  I want to commit to something that brings both he and I fulfillment and happiness.  My poly nature is only to the extent that I need one other man in my life to walk beside me as I walk beside my husband.  No stables of men, no play partners here and there, just one.  The as near perfect for me as can be one.

What is commitment?  That depends.  In recent years commitment has come in the form of living in my home, taking care of my very young family members, and walking the dog.  In past years that has come in the form of scheduled dates to ensure we both have what we need cared for.  Commitment can only stem from what we build together.

I've evolved, as we all do.  I recently had the pleasure of seeing the life of another dominant woman and her submissive.  She, also married, is much like me.  Her partner, fully supportive of her, gives her what she needs.  What she needs and has is a submissive who lives in another town, has his own life, owns his own home, leave the state for weeks on end, yet always knows he belongs to her.  At first blush, I thought I could never do that.   Under no circumstance could I be away from someone I love so much.

On second glance, I wonder if I have to make my own concessions and realize that the pool of submissive men willing to be a part of a married dominant's life is very small.  I wonder that if making my own concessions is even enough.  Some things in life simply can't be compromised for some people, no matter what the benefit, the reward, the happiness that would otherwise come.

So, here I remain, dilemma bound though knowing someone is out there for me.  Someone will choose to move past whatever he sees my flaws to be and will cherish the things that make his heart desire me.

When we are together, we will decide what commitment means to us - and that's what really matters - what commitment means to us, and we'll move forward.  Right now, Loyal Reader, I move forward without expectations of him or where we will be tomorrow or next month or next year.  I move forward and break my own paradigms...

What I seek, what I need is a desire to want to grow with me, evolve with me, figure out what we want and need together, while understanding there is simply one compromise I cannot make.  The husband is really here to stay.  Everything else?  We'll figure out together.

D~

There are a few things in this life I know to be true. On occasion, I learn a new fact that without fail will be a truth in my life until I die. For example, recently I learned that Cyn and I will be friends the rest of our lives, even with the heartbreak involved in the dissolution of our intimate relationship some time ago.  I will never waiver in this belief.

Today I allowed the recognition (I already knew, but heard it said aloud today) that it is true, that two people can have all the connections in all the right places and for all the right reasons and still, simply, not be meant for each other. 

I will say again, I don't know where exactly it is going with Blaze (though I have a very clear idea), every single moment has been worth it.  Every moment.  I will never look back on our brief time together and think "why did I do that?"  I will forever smile when I think of his smile.  I will forever melt when I think of his kiss.  I will forever know that his moments of wonderful are more frequent than he believes. 

One day an amazing woman will find him and he will live in blissful happiness.  I wish this for him.  The turmoil I see him in over our perfection when met face to face, yet incompatibility when we reconcile a potential life together is killing me.  I see him hurting.  I know I am hurting.    

Today, my life sits in a tumble of thorns, all poking at different aspects of me.  My work, my family, my need for a stable BDSM relationship, my housemate, my psyche.  All are being poked and prodded in some way or another right now.  I'm finding it amazingly difficult to remove one thorn for the constant concern over how the others dig in further as I navigate the vines.

Simply stated: I would give nearly anything for some stability somewhere.  Even I, yes, you are reading it here and now, Loyal Reader, the first time ever, I want some static moments.  No change, no surprises, no upheavals for just a week.  Allow me to sit back, reflect on the last 8 months of my life and just be sad over what I should be sad about, be happy about what is pleasant, to reconcile what had gone without reconciliation within my own heart and head. 

I hurt, I ache, I need to just let it out of me and I can't.  Those closest to me have their own lives, their own needs, their own concerns right now, some of which directly relate to my very own thorns. 

I cannot thank Scint enough for his ear.  He's a wonderful friend who has his own concerns, so much greater than mine, yet he was there for me when I needed him the most.  A dear long term friend who simply cares because I care for him.  It helped. 

I know, Cyn has tried ever so hard to be present for me, to hear me out, to listen and be the friend I know that he truly wants to be for me.  He has a life, a family, the baggage with with to contend and I cannot expect of him anything, quite honestly.  He's tried.

Smith has tried, so very much to be there for me, but so many of my thorns are in relation to his thorns that even pruning shears won't get through that tangle any time soon.

Out of nowhere, for whatever the reason, comes a stranger.  For the openness I share here, in my journals, I've let this perfect stranger into the inner workings of my life.  He knows about my recent struggles, mostly and has listened, offered advice, and given me the occasional smile.  I thank you too, for that.  You gave yourself a name which I find perfectly appropriate; while we have no relationship beyond occasional online discourse, I think calling you "Tart" is quite right and now you know who you are.  I thank you for be a stranger in the very strange land that is me and simply being kind enough to want to listen.  

I rarely give the details as it were to strangers, yet you've built a confidence that makes me believe you actually do care about people, and yes, even random strangers (which I maintain we all are until we've met in person).

I can't not implore to you enough, my friends, that more than ever I need you.  I am not afraid to appear weak, I am not afraid to appear that I lack dominance, I am not afraid to admit my needs - even when my needs are shortcomings.

Your kind words, your desire to listen, your heart in the right place matters more than you know right now.  Some of you, without even knowing it, have saved me.  For that, I cannot thank you enough.  You know who you are and you know I love you dearly.

Blaze - My smile, my eyes, my warmth and heart will always be yours on whatever level makes you the most comfortable.  That is my promise to you. 

D~

Thank you, Scint. 

I know, I know, that's a name you've not read in quite some time, Loyal Reader.  I've mentioned before, my friends are friends made to stay and tonight I have to thank a very loyal friend, My Scintilla, for listening to me and for helping me through a very tough time.

I appreciate your support, your kind words, your intelligence and your ability to always make me smile.  You are the best type of friend....

Much Love,

D~

Sometimes we don't like what we have to say, but what we have to say must be said to move forward...where ever forward may be.

It's a part of life and there's not much we can do to avoid those things, unless of course, we choose not to communicate at all... and then what? 

Communication is a must, without it, we fail...in relationships, in business, in parenthood, in everything.

Communication, even when difficult is beneficial.

D~

*S*  I said it aloud tonight and now I write it here for all to see.  "There's just no such thing as a bad date" with him.  *sigh*

Every date -  even the most typical, as it were, turn out to be so much fun.  I'm a pleased and happy girlfriend.  Yes, I just said that.  Girlfriend.  Not Domme, not Mistress, not Top, not BDSM Play Partner.  Girlfriend (I just happen to have a kinky and submissive boyfriend who enjoys my kinky and dominant ways).

So what's my point?  My point is, until now I've had serious relationships that ended with cohabitation (or planned and failed) and I've had play partners that were darn good friends.

This is different.  Different good.  Different wonderful.  Good men in my life tend to bring out good things in me  ...Things that I may not have known existed or believed couldn't exist before that moment.

Blaze creates a fire inside me, yes, we know that to be true.  He's also figured out how to instill patience in me.  I know - this is a laughable concept.  I know, I know.  I have no patience for anything.  I want what I want when I want it.  Many a potential relationship has disintegrated because I'm impatient and refuse to wait. 

The time we spend together draws me in to want more.  I have a full understanding of his day to day life, and he mine.  Together we are on fire and I crave time when we are apart.  Having said that, I don't mind waiting until that times comes for us.  I anticipate the next date yet understand and have patience until it can happen. 

Yes, that says a lot.  Yay us!

D~

For this journal entry shall we keep in mind that "relationship" is the word to describe any encounters we have, not just those encounters that become interpersonal, intimate or otherwise connected?  We shall.  Relationship = At a minimum, did we connect, even briefly on the most shallow of levels?  If so, we have some sort of relationship, now don't we?  Now on to the actual journal entry...

Ambivalence is not our friend, really.  It's not.  I'm quite sure of this.  I never want anyone to feel as if I've not committed to some sort of emotion.  That's just who I am.

Do you know where you stand?  At all times, do you know where you are with me, what I think of you, how I feel about you?  I venture to guess the answer is a resounding "Yes!".  For some of you, the answer may be "Unfortunately..." *S*.

In that vein...

I despise not knowing exactly where I stand with people.  (Still who I am)

Just tell me, Loyal Reader, what you feel to be true and real for you.  Don't hesitate, don't worry, don't mince words.  Let the chips fall where they may and we'll come out stronger when it's over.  Now, that strength, newly found, may be with each other or without each other, but we've grown.  In some way we've grown.  That's what truly matters in life.

When everything boils down, if we are friends, if we care about each other, we'll work through our feelings (both positive and negative) and move forward.  If we can't work through them, then we were not meant to have a relationship.  (and now you know why I prefaced). 

I believe anything can be worked through with care and words.  I believe that fighting does not have to happen to make things better.  I believe that love comes from our hearts and our egos tend to get in the way (mine too). 

I believe that if we are honest, open, and true with who we are to those around us...we can see adversity and dive head first into it.  Knowing all the while, we'll not drown, but be carried along with nary a rapid to knock us against the rocks - all while enjoying the majesty around us.

Rivers are beautiful, magical places for so many reasons.  They give life and hope.  They creates sounds, thoughts, feelings, and images that give joy and pleasure. Rivers create a solidarity between those who navigate them together. 

I'll take my metaphor to the end now... so those jagged rocks are things like pet peeves and idiosyncrasies.  We all have them.  We can't help it, it's just the terrain with which we have to work.  Water flows over those jagged boulders - over time making them smoother, rounder, and they become less abrasive.   The river, as dangerous as it is, can also cause rocks to crack, break and become more precarious than ever before.  Don't forget rivers often have waterfalls, folks.  Yeah...precarious.

So, here we have it...the river of our relationship.  Tumultuous, right?  Here we are, just two people navigating the waters, trying to avoid the most jagged edges and feeling our way around the smooth edges of the water-worn rocks.  We admire the beauty and sometimes we land on the banks. We will catch our breath, camp for the night, or walk carefully past the waterfalls.  I will admit, sometimes I climb out of the river too.  We all have to at some point.  No one can live the thrill constantly.  

My point this evening?  I will climb to shore, catch my breath, walk to the top of falls and jump right in believing you'll be there to keep me from drowning.  I have to believe that, Loyal Reader, or else there is nothing in which to seek beauty, splendor and love.  The pool at the bottom of the falls is tranquil, cool, and perfect for us. It gives solace, comfort and refreshment.  I can see the pool from the top of the falls and cannot wait to dive in. 

I have landed poorly a time or two, I have to admit.  I've paid consequences for diving into shallow waters; usually my heart feels it the most.  That's ok though, I've learned to be a very strong swimmer, I've learned how to navigate successfully with a partner and I've learned to see the beauty among the potential peril. I need the faith that we can maneuver the landscape together.   

Go forth and conquer your insecurities about your feelings and about mine.  Dive in, I just may be at the bottom....waiting....One way or the other, you'll navigate and swim stronger, with or without me. *end metaphor*

End all?  You just may find out that you've found a benefit to reap and the consequences were only in your head...just sayin'.

D~

Someone asked me today how Cyn must feel seeing my journal entries here about another man.  I laughed. 

Here's what you need to know.  He has no right to be hurt by any flames I kindle.  It is not my place to say more.  Have faith in me, Loyal Reader, have faith.

J is a kind, sincere, heartfelt man with whom I'm building a connection.  I deserve that, don't I?

D~

I've had two people in the last day mention my S.W.O.T. analysis.  That's great!  You are reading my journals...and reading way back too.  I thoroughly enjoy knowing I've had an impact.

It is also apropos that this has happened because I've had cause to re-analyze who I am today.  Facts are, Loyal Reader, I'm human; too human methinks.

Do you know that I'm insecure in some things?  Yep, me.  I worry about things that often times may not require worry.  I need to hear, feel and see things to believe them.

This causes damage sometimes.  I know that it can be damaging but I can't always seem to stop it from happening.  I need you to know that I'm trying.  I've found my threat and I'm working diligently to seek opportunity within.

D~

Thank you for a wonderfully lovely time this weekend.  You do indeed have your moments (more often than you realize)....all of which I've enjoyed very much.

D~

The photos have not returned because I am looking again (I am not) but because there is a new and more recent photo.  I was long overdue for an update. 

So, here I am - updated!  I think I look better even a few years older...

You tell me,

D~

So all of the men in life my life (husband not withstanding) I've not seen in days and some weeks.  This a.m. I slid into a ditch (even at 15 miles an hour, the roads are not drivable when driving a Sentra.) and what was my first action? 

I thought about him.  No, not him, Silly Loyal Reader, him.  I thought about J and immediately attempted to contact him.  I wanted him to know what was going on with me and that I was ok. I wanted to hear his voice which I knew would help make me feel better.

I think it very telling, who I chose to contact, why and when today...

Thank you, my new interest who is quickly becoming so very important.  I found comfort in your care and I appreciated your words and concern.  I miss our time together and it's been but 4 days since I've seen your smile in person or held my hand to your face.  I miss it.  I miss you.  Thank you for being us.

D~

So what is in a name?  Do you know, Loyal Reader?  

I'd call you "Myna Bird", but you'd just snicker and say "no"; or, repeat what I just said...*S*. 

The question is, what to call him....My Loyal Readers know that no man who means something very special to me goes without a wonderful nickname that is chosen especially for him.  I sit in turmoil over this sometimes and other times the name comes right to me.  I can also remind you, that I can count the number of those names on one hand.  This is an elite group of men.

All of these choices are made for different reasons, and all because he matters in some way to me.  There is some sort of "cause and effect" that I have to just shout to the world, even if the world truly doesn't understand the shout. 

You are my Penumbra, my Nebula.  Shadows and mystery; there but not quite there...yet.  Yes, that's two names...I'm still working on it....

You cannot call yourself an Artichoke, because you believe you may be vacant for me once the layers are peeled back. That's not at all an Artichoke description. An Artichoke does however, describe you as I see it.... as once you reach the center you find the most wonderful part - the heart.

D~

Yum and Yay for us.  I had a wonderful time this evening at dinner and other extracurricular activities.  We enjoyed each others' company for several hours.  We talked, and sat silent; we kissed and hugged; we looked into each others' eyes and read each others' thought. 

We said more in body language than we ever said in words and felt completely comfortable with each other the whole evening through.  I because that's what I do, want to scream from the rooftops.  He, because that's what he does, wants to quietly reserve himself until such time as his comfort level feels right.

Oh can my patience take it? YES! Without reserve, without determent, without worry.  YES!  I can take.  Why?  Because I know he means to go exactly where he feels he wants to go.

There is no steamer trunks of baggage in which to worry and fact is my baggage is gone too.  I cannot tell you Loyal Reader, how freeing this is. 

My life feels at ease and as though it may one day be complete beyond what I thought possible.  He knows how I feel.  You presume how I feel and we'll all be on the same page.  My Loyal Readers have been through all my trials with me, and for that I thank you. 

Rest Easy, Loyal Readers,  I'm going to...

D~

Loyal Reader!  I met one or two of you in person last night.  That was much fun!  I cannot thank the Hostess and her lovely submissive enough for a beautiful evening.  The decorations were great, the company was wonderful and overall it was a blast.

Now on to why we are all really here, eh? My escort was truly a gentleman and very much wanted to be sure that I was pleased last night.  He did that with honor, humor, dignity and constitution.  Though I heard at the end of the night my bite is much worse than my CBT *S*.  We may have to remedy that.

I will confess, Loyal Reader, that I had some nerves and trepidation for some reason before the event last night.  I don't normally have nervous concerns...today I believe it was because I really want he and I to find common ground.  My experiences far out weigh his in many ways and I wanted everything to be comfortable and good for him. 

I believe I made that happen. 

J~Thank you for the wonderful evening.  I smiled nearly the whole night through, both inside my heart and on my face, I smiled for the fun I was having, for the great company I enjoyed, for the rope work I did, for the bites that I hope you feel today, and here's hoping you finally decide to actually take a look at the photos I took.

I still don't know exactly where we are going, but I know I'm going to enjoy the excursion very much...one amazing kiss at a time...and they are pretty damn amazing kisses....

D~

Our first "BDSM" oriented date is just around the corner.  I've not managed to get to an event accompanied by a romantic interest in a very long time.  I am anticipatory.  I am excited. 

When we met in person, just about 2.5 weeks ago, I found him interesting.  We spent much time talking and smiling.  I loved every moment.  I think this weekend will tell much.  Did I mention I'm excited?

D~

I've stopped searching for "male submissives", took my photos down and am giving us time to get to know each other and move forward without distraction.  I thank you all for your time and attention.  My attention is elsewhere.

D~

J~That made me smile.  You have no idea how that made me smile.  Yes, Loyal Reader, I know you are sitting in front of your PC wondering what in the heck is making me smile...He knows exactly why I am smiling and that's all that matters.

I'm so very pleased, pleased beyond words, tonight.  I bet I'll find words as I continue to type, though....we shall see.  I am pleased because he knows a good thing when he sees it, because he recognizes his own needs, because he wants to know more, and because even with baggage on top of baggage, he still feels we may very well be worth it.  Now on to baggage....*sigh*

R~I know that some of my words have some anger in them.  I try not to be angry, but when you see a world caving around you, a life being destroyed, you can't help but feel some anger when you worked so very hard to try and help, to fix, to repair and move on.  Letting that go was difficult and it's causing some anger in me.  I hope that I can find my own resolve before I become my own worst enemy and lose a friend over it.  I'm not sure I can, at least not today.  Having said that, I've let go of "will he or won't he?" I simply can't care about that any longer.  I only care about what finds you happiness.  One steamer trunk thrown overboard!

S~I truly believe that the woman you want is interested in you too.  I did not believe that before tonight. She is charming, real and seems to actually understand the entire situation. Letting go of that concern -  Now a carry on dropped at curbside!

L~My friend!  Thank you for being patient and understanding that someone else in my life does not mean I am not here to help you too.  Attending the convention with you and very possibly, hopefully, J will be a great time had by all, I am sure. I knew you would be wonderful about it and I was right! I am no longer worried about how that may or may not fall into place and I stowed away a backpack with that one!

Back to what's most important now....me *S*.  Oh wait, My Loyal Readers know better than that.  Let's get back to "us". 

I am going to drop a bit more baggage by once again saying I'm no longer searching. (Handbag left in bus terminal this time) I cannot tell you what may come of this interlude I've encountered.  We are communicating, we are having some fun.  As you know from my history, I'm poly with boundaries and my boundaries end where a really great guy with "romantic" potential begins.  So, you may see me here, entering something in my journal, or saying hello to old friends.  I am currently not available to meet new people, or chat up old potentials.  I've got all the potential I need or want right now. 

D~

Someone recently told me "your life should be made into a reality TV show".  I think he's right.

I bring this all on myself, of that I am sure.  I take full responsibility for what happens in my day to day life.  Every person with whom I interact, I choose that interaction; at least on a minimal level, most often full force and head on (nothing subtle about me, is there?)

I wholly admit, and have since my very early 20's that I am a jumper by nature. That gets me in a fair amount of trouble sometimes.  I stand by what I said then, and have continued to say:  If I reap benefits, yay for me.  If I pay consequences, well, I'm sure I deserved them...I chose to jump without fully weighing the potential outcomes.

Dilemma, question, concern, aggravation is everywhere I turn it seems.  I just need to let it go, and release some of what's stuck inside me.  The following may or may not be true for you, Loyal Reader and men in my life, "take what applies and leave aside the rest" (thank you for the quote, you know who you are).

I am not fickle.  I know what I want.  Either I love you or I don't.  It's easy to tell, so don't question what you know to be true or what you feel in your heart.  I've had time to figure it out. Yes, I know you haven't had that time yet.  I can't fix that for you, understand, though, I've had time...way too much time, quite honestly.  Your patience can be maddening.  Your impatience is worse...(Even worse than mine, methinks).  Our bond is strong. If we treasure it enough, it may be fluid and evolve, but will never break.  I know I am driving you crazy too.  For that I apologize; I'm doing the very best I can.  Did I mention I know what I want?  I want you to be what you (we) know you should be to me. 

For the four men driving me crazy and who I'm certain I don't want to be without....I want you happy, above all else. Your smile and contentment means the world to me.

L~You are my Friend and I want to help you. You deserve a chance to be who you are. 

S~You are my Family and I don't want to see a life without you. Your love and care is never questioned.  

R~You are my Cynosure and center me in so many ways.  I want to see you center yourself.  I wish for the day your heart overrides your brain and you find your peace (whatever that may look like).

J~You are my "We are going to find out together".  Your understanding and acceptance under considerably adverse conditions is amazing. Your willingness to take a chance means the world and I will not take advantage.

With My Heart in All the Right Places,

D~

(and yes, I do indeed feel better now *S*)

So here we are.  It's done.  I've made a commitment to myself - finally. I have struggled with so much with loving and not wanting to love and allowing and not wanting to allow what's happened around me to happen.

I will love him for the rest of our days, as I know on some level he will love me.  That's not good enough, though.  It never will be good enough.  I cannot compare, live up to, or otherwise compete with his own personal concerns and issues.  Knowing today I cannot, I choose to no longer try.  I deserve better.  I know that, as does he.  We are worth more than this and we should be ashamed for even thinking otherwise.

I love you Cyn.  That won't change.  I will always feel you are indeed my Cynosure - even from a distance I know that you'll hold that place in my heart.  I wish you happiness, love, respect, desire and fulfillment in your life.  I want that for you more than anything.  I will remain in fear that you will never see it given your current circumstances and it saddens me to know that I could have offered all of that to you plus more.  You chose to forsake it - with total support from me, but with almost no understanding of it.

Tonight I've given myself latitude to do what is right for me.  I'm moving forward.  In my browsing I've met someone that brings a smile to my face each and every time I think of him.  We've only met twice, but in those two meetings, we sparked an interest.  Breakfast lasted over five hours...if that's not saying something...well, Loyal Reader, I don't know that anything further could be said!

I've hesitated to move forward full throttle with him because of the aforementioned internal battles.  Tonight, right now, I release myself from that, I give myself permission to care about something else, someone else.  I give up my desire to "fix" Cyn.  I give up my want to show him what real love means and how it can be lived and cherished.  I give up my control over a situation in which I truly had no control.

I bring forth a burning desire to get to know you better (I will simply call you) "J" (for the moment).  I bring forth a want to feel happy, a want to let go of burden that does not belong to me and a want to show my love.  I want to give that to someone who truly values, wants and needs my type of love, care, and honesty;  to experience it without feeling shame, guilt, or worry. 

I will not be the reason a life falls apart and I was working my way to that end.  There is nothing good about that, nothing honorable about that, nothing right about that.

I can't say today if J is right for me, but I can tell you, that since having fallen so very deeply in love with Cyn, J is the first person to allow my mind some freedom from a situation that hurt me deeply every moment of every day.  I can say, with absolute certainty, J is making me smile and I do like him very much.

And life moves forward yet again....

D~

I am attending the next local convention with someone I've met from here.  He's fairly new to this life, needs to learn and needs to find not only himself, but someone with whom he has a true BDSM connection.

He's a nice guy - albeit a bit naive in relation to "what it is that we do".  He's found the stereotypical world around us and run with it.  My goal?  To break that out of him so he can move forward in a healthy way and find, ultimately,  a relationship with someone who desires his brand of submission. (Once he figures out what that is, of course).

I've also recently been browsing, as my Loyal Readers know.  I've chatted here and there and have explored my options, as they were.

I've chatted with a couple who would like to learn a few things to be safe in what is is that they want to do.  I'm happy to teach what I know to anyone whose truly willing to learn.  So I'm busy; I've things to do with my copious amounts of spare time... *S*

When I'm not busy with the goals and teaching as mentioned above, I believe I have found a way to keep myself otherwise entertained. 

I thank you all for the time and attention you've given to me.  I am currently no longer browsing.  As things progress (or not), Loyal Reader,as always, you'll be the first to know.

D~

You know, Loyal Reader I'm trying so hard to move forward and I simply know deep inside my heart I can't, I shouldn't. 

There are some things in this life that we just know.  We don't know why we know them.  We challenge them.  We don't always trust in them.  These things eat away at us until we either give in or strip them from our lives just to hide them away.

I've been trying for a few weeks now to strip away what I feel; to move past what deep down I believe is right and true. 

I don't know what ever made me talk with this man in the first place.  It wasn't my typical thing to do.  He wasn't within my parameters of someone I was even willing to chat with...yet I did.  I was drawn to him for so many reasons.  There is a reason, I just know it.  We are meant to be...something.

Now that I know him, truly know his heart, his mind, his soul, I don't want to let it go.  My heart, my soul, my mind fights a battle every single moment I have free to think of this situation.

Some moments I'm angry, some I'm sad.  I'm happy in so many ways and desperate in others.  In trying to search, here, on CM, I feel slighted, shorted, and without recourse. 

Why is there no recourse?  Well there is, I simply cannot choose it.  I don't want to choose it...obviously.  I've tried and am failing, even as I type this I'm failing miserably at recourse.

I trust in us.  I trust in my gut instinct and this time, Loyal Reader, I'm going to see this through.  My patience, no matter how tested, will survive (it will won't it?).  My heart, mind, and soul tell me to love him and give him understanding and patience.

Oh...patience...please don't fail me now....

D~

I find the overwhelming number of drawings and other types of mediums used as "photos" today disturbing.  I can't help but wonder how many truly dominant women feel these pictorials of women degrading men in silly situations is actually interesting to view.

If, submissive man, you believe for whatever your reasons, you should not put up a photo of your face, then why bother with the juvenile comics and otherwise sad portrayals of what you appear to believe BDSM to be about?

Cartoon drawings of rotund women, specifically in the hip and breast area sitting atop a scrawny man's face does not in the least interest me.  Nor do any of the other variations with which this site is now inundated. 

Can I be the only dominant woman to feel this way?  Surely not.  What's most sad, is there may be a perfectly decent submissive man waiting behind this picture for a dominant woman to approach him.  Alas, it will not likely be me.  Call me shallow if you must.

D~

I consider myself "browsing" now. 

My life is turning, continually; where she stops, nobody knows *S*.  I remain, at this time, devoted to waiting.  However, I also feel I need to devote some time to browsing.  

So, this is me...browsing.

D~

So recently I've been invited to a function or two which would be much more fun with a submissive at my side.  Since the submissive of my current dreams (and I venture to guess my long term as well) is otherwise occupied for the near future, I considered writing a journal entry entertaining the idea of a short term play partner.

I wrote this long entry, detailing out what I'd want and need.  It was pretty darn good, really.  Problem is, as I proofed my writing as I always do, I couldn't hit that darn "save changes" button. 

Why? Because I have no desire to pull forth a new person in my life - even for functions and events until My Cyn is with me.

I thought I could do it and I can't.  I don't want to do it.  That, ultimately, makes me feel wonderful!  It shows me just how much I do love, need and want him.  I'm quite happy now.

D~

How incredibly sweet!  If you want a glimpse into what makes me melt, check out the lovely journal HerCynosure wrote...

Thank you, Honey

D~

So, outside of my comfort zone I travel, to give a gift.  I've been asked by a submissive I have known for some years now, though we've not ever been a couple, to do a favor.

After much thought, I said "yes".  He has respectfully requested that I do some artwork on his body. 

So, while I have made up my mind to wait, watch and see what happens in My Cyn's life, I'll be working on a permanent cutting for someone else.  

There are only about a million things to consider here - and I've considered all of them.  I've made him consider all of them and we'll move forward, after he's thought some more, in about two weeks.

Maybe I'll have photos to share! 

D~

Maybe it's frustration, maybe it's a holiday without the man I'm truly in love with at my side, maybe it's something I've not yet put my finger on, but my last entry did not do justice to My Cyn or to me. 

I am fully aware of my own potential for, well, anything.  Mistakes, successes, indifferences happen and when they do, I take ownership of those that I create.  My mistake...I tend to take ownership of those the most often, not because I make more mistakes than have success, but I fully believe in saying "yes, I screwed up".... My mistake was in my last journal entry.  Sometimes I delete mistakes, but really, what's the point?  Anyone who's cared enough to read my entries already has perused it.

My Loyal Readers are, well, loyal.  Thanks for that!

I didn't give anywhere near the credit I should have to Cyn; In an overwhelming understatement, no less.  Facts:  He's a wonderful, amazing man and I am, without a doubt head over heels in love with him.  He is doing the very best he can to be a part of my life at ever moment he's able.  I am doing the same for him.  He is in love with me...I venture to guess he's been in love with me maybe even a bit longer than I with him.

He's learning his worth and knows now, more than ever before, that he should be valued, loved and appreciated for his submission.  That his submission should (as far as this Dominant is concerned) come from his heart because he is in love and not because he feels demeaned, beaten down, degraded, dor lack thereof) is in vain. 

Third - I have an appreciation deeper than I can express for his honesty, openness and ability to have faith and trust in me and in us.  My heart does indeed belong to him.  100%.   I would like to believe at times I have this wall, but I don't.  When I analyze our interactions I see nothing but the light he shines fully infiltrating my life and bringing me wonderful joy.  I am his and I know this.  I may have fully realize this tonight when the absolute smallest gesture made me cry with tears of happiness.  Yes - really.

Fourth - while I mention the idea of play partners - and all of that is indeed true - - fact is, when I reread my own entry it read cold and made me feel as though the writer (that would be me, yes) wrote it to prove a point and push My Cyn in a certain direction.  That, by far, was my biggest mistake.  In writing the entire entry my hope was to convey "not interested" to those who don't know me.  I never intended to suggest an "ultimatum" or suggest "you are ok, but I've got 15 in the wings if you don't pan out". 

In all of this, what's MOST interesting, is I walk away from CM tonight smiling, even with my screw up, because he didn't say a word about it.  He didn't convey any ill feelings, concerns, worry, or the like.  I know he read it and now, since I've reread it,  I know it could have left a myriad of negative feelings within him.  I also know he would have told me had that happened. 

His faith in us is amazing; I dare say unshakable.  So yes, I was remiss, very remiss in my last entry.  For that, my apologies to not only My Amazing and Wonderful Cyn, but to you, Loyal Reader.

D~

So Smith is home and it feels like a family again.  We do love having him home.  He's in his own room, with his own life to do as he pleases.  So far so good, it's working out well.

His profile is up again here and he's seeking.  I wish him well and if you cross his path and want to know more, I'm happy to share with you privately more about him.  Here I will tell you, potential new woman, that he is a wonderful man with a heart unlike any other.  He's steadfast in his beliefs, he now realizes what he truly wants of a BDSM lifestyle, or lack thereof and will be loyal to you, if you love him and care for him wholly for the rest of his life.

This takes us on to me, right?  I'm not sure where I am.  I proudly support Smith in everything he does now.  I'm not angry, hurt, jealous or sad any longer because I know, no matter what he is family and he will never again let that go.

I am not seeking a new potential play partner or submissive at this moment.  Fact is, I have a small yet perfect selection of potential play partners already out there who I know, cherish and would love to see again, should I decide a play partner is what I want and/or need.  You know who you are - each of you.

A submissive - therein lies the ultimate question on everysub's mind.  Do I, don't I?  I'm going to wait patiently, as patiently as I can wait to see what happens over the next few months. 

Cyn is an amazing and wonderful man.  His life isn't playing out quite as nicely as mine happens to be right now.  For him, in this, I grieve.  I've come to love him very much and to see the strife he's experiencing now is painful, even from a distance. 

My heart on several levels belongs to him, yet I'm unable to give freely to him at this time knowing how crucial these next months may be for him in relation to me.  I will not allow myself the potential devestation that may come with giving 100%. 

We barely see each other, we rarely speak, text or chat and we have an occassional email exchange now.  Each encounter hopeful, but tentative in its own way.

Yes, I know, Loyal Reader, that you may very well be curious to know the "rest of the story" (thank you Paul Harvey) alas, it is not my story to tell and you must suffer.  Rest easy that your suffering in this, gave me a slight grin.  Now you can sleep easily knowing that you've pleased me, even from a distance and without fully knowing you.

Time marches on while I stand pat. *Sigh*

D~

Have I mentioned, Loyal Reader, that life often gets in the way of all our fun?

I would give just about anything for life to settle down and quit throwing me curve balls; nix that... quit throwing us curve balls.  My Cyn is struggling.  I am struggling.  My past love is struggling.  We are in this crazy triad that simply can not go on.

Cyn is dealing with his own challenges of which are not my place to speak of (dominant to him or not).  My wonderful Smith will be home soon, but as our friend and roommate, not as my lover.  That's a challenge in and of itself.  I do love him. He does love me.  He wants me as his lover.

I don't know how to reconcile any of this quite yet.  My heart screams - give everything you've got to Cyn.  My mind screams - don't rule out Smith yet.  Cyn may very well decide to move down another path. 

Something inside me says he won't though.  He may think about it, it may take time for him to process, but he will soon enough want only to be with me.  Of course then there is the challenges with lil ones and how to reconcile 4 people becoming a huge part of a family of three. 

I don't know.  It hardly seems right that I hold on to both so closely, so tightly, in hopes that when one "fails me" the other will pick up the pieces.

Sounds terrible and truly feels terrible but I know deep down inside it's the way that I feel.  Today I am weak, weaker than I've ever been.  I know better than to do this, I just can't seem to let go of one of these men in hopes that the other steps up.

I'm human.  So there we have it.

D~

We've grown so very close in the last few months.  More so than I believe either of us thought possible.  I can't wait to spend time with My Cyn, I hate to leave him and for every moment we are apart I crave to be close to him again.

Why?  Why is he special?  I've found, finally, the absolute entire package.  What's in an entire package you ask? 

Humor

Intelligence

Submission

Good Looks

Desire

Wit

Cunning

Deference

Love

Sexiness

Business Sense

Willingness

Thoughtful

Friendliness

Good with lil ones

Well spoken

Well written

Honest

Good Natured

Playful

Steady

Cuddly

Warm

Great Kisser

Great Listener

Thought Provoking

Hard Working

Sweet

and he wants and needs me... I can imagine that I've missed a detail or two here...but rest assured he has it all.

It has been so long since I've been able to fall asleep next to someone quietly and comfortably and I finally have that again.  I feel warm and safe at night.  I feel loved and wanted.  I feel needed and he's always right there to take my mind off anything unpleasant...no matter how I feel.  Drifting off with him has been wonderful.

Waking with him is just as wonderful.  We wake wrapped in each others' arms.  Morning breath?  Who cares?!  We fall asleep making out and wake making out...

I tell him I expect us to be this way in a year, 5 years, 10 years.  He assures me we will...

I wonder if that possible?  I hope that's possible.  Time will tell and I'll probably still be around CM long enough to share....  Though I don't believe I'll be seeking - if the cards are with me, and I've already bet they are, we'll be together for the rest of our days.

D~

Sometimes we just know what we know.

We know....

 we are meant to persevere.

 we are meant to be together.

 as a team we can accomplish anything.

 life will screw with us every chance it gets.

 fighting is futile.

 loving is perfect.

 together we have everything.

 each other.

 ourselves.

 we have much to learn yet.

 we are worth the effort.

 we have the most fun ever.

 when unhappy, we find happiness in each other.

 anger happens but doesn't have to harm.

 smiles make us stronger.

 life is meant to be lived and lived hard.

we love each other beyond words.

what words we do have are mere tokens of what really is.

I love Cyn and Cyn loves Me.

D~

It's the subtle things in life that give us the most joy, I've learned.  He, who ever he may be for you, knows what you prefer, what you desire.  He knows how to make your tea, prepare your toys for use, and kiss you in just the right way.  He knows how to plan a lovely evening, make you laugh at a silly joke or make you coo and aww when he does something overtly sweet, right?  Right.

How bout those things he does that we never even know are going to happen?  Such as, he signs a journal entry with the nickname you gave him in honor of how you feel for him.  How about he notes and gives tribute to you in small ways, such as linking himself to you through symbols or offering to bring you breakfast in bed?  What about things like unexpected text messages and emails that really came from no where but mean oh so much?

I was taken aback when I saw him sign his last journal entry "Cyn~".  As you may have read, Loyal Reader, I gave him the name Cynosure not too long ago.  When he did that, it filled me with warmth and love, showing me he really is trying to please me in every way possible.

He changed his profile as well, to match something more appropriate for us, vs. who he was before we met.  I think that's simply beautiful.

You know, one of the things I've cautioned him about is losing these little things.  Over time, we tend to do that right?  No matter how we love someone, we often find ourselves moving out of those sweet things.  He promises that won't happen.  Today, I totally believe him.  I think I'll still believe in a week or month or year or decade.

I'm quite sure, yes...

D~

Complete and total clarity came for me last night.  I moved, finally, from heartache and apathy to clarity and understanding.

We've parted ways 100% - in the best way possible and moved on to what we feel we need to move forward.  I can't describe the amount of relief I feel knowing I've made a decision.

Cyn has been oh so good for me.  I learned last night what it means to be truly loved without reserve and totally.  I know what it means to have a submissive at my side.  Someone who want to be controlled in all the right ways and wants to be trusted, loved and needed.

When he's willing to give up everything to see you happy - that's when you know he truly loves you...  I experienced that.  He gave me up, tried to let me go because he thought that's what I needed, what I wanted.  I felt his heart break, watched his eyes well up with tears and heard the fear in his voice.  It was then that I knew true, total and complete submission and love all rolled up into one beautiful man.

I will forever remember that night with sadness and happiness both.

Cyn thank you for total clarity and giving me all the answers in all the right ways....

D~

Turmoil - wow.  This past weekend has been riddled with turmoil for reasons I'll refrain from sharing in detail.

The hell we went through - I'll never get over.  I'll always have some pain and even some regret.  Things were misconstrued and I know now that I should have been 100% forthright in my communications instead of trying to save some pain and anguish...I am quite certain I caused more by trying to avoid some.  Hopefully for anything I screwed up, I learned something from it - I always try to do so.  I never believe that I'm always right and I know I make mistakes. 

A good dominant will learn from them while admitting them.  I didn't have to make a choice I thought I would have to make - I don't know if that is good or bad at this point.  It merely took pressure off of me in one aspect and added pain in another.

I think one day, we'll all realize things are not always as they seem and we'll turn a corner and in some form or fashion return to give a damn again.  That make take much time, I'm well aware, but maybe, just maybe, one day.

I further realized the overwhelming nature of my life right now and made a drastic change.  I've decided to put my current educational path on hold for about a year.  Lots of reasons for this, but right now, the stress, pain, turmoil, and financial aspects are all against me.  I'll wait a year, go back and make it happen full force.  That's ok.

I have learned this weekend, also, that maybe for the first time in my life, I was truly loved, in every way, as hard and as strong and as vehemently as anyone can be loved.  I felt more love this weekend than I had ever felt and it was wonderful to feel - unfortunately a series of mistakes and misunderstandings determined that I will spend the rest of my life with the memory and may never live quite that again.

I have no doubt that Cyn will spend the rest of his days giving me everything he can, loving me as strong and as vehemently as he can. I'll never doubt his care and love for me.  I don't believe anyone could ever reproduce the love I saw this weekend.  It simply can't be done.  I'm not sure I would want it done as it only hurt us both in the end.

For every mistake I made, I am aware of them and I am sorry to all that I should be sorry.  For every truth I told, and I told many - I stand by them.  For every moment I looked him in the eye and told him I mean what I say....I stand by that.  For every smile we shared, for every intimate moment for every connection, no matter how small, I will never regret them...I will love, cherish and save them in my heart for the rest of my days.

I thank you for everything you've given me - and that's been the world at times.  I thank you for ever lesson you've taught me.  I thank you for every moment we've shared.  I thank you for every bit of growth we've shared. 

I will always welcome you with open arms if you choose to find them.

What I choose to say here, now, is about the complete and perfect way my Cyn handled that turmoil.  When the chips were down, when he had everything to lose, instead of fighting against what he knew he shouldn't fight against....he laid it all out, exactly as it should have been.  He was rational, articulate, and spoke the truth, even though I know that speaking the truth came at what he felt could be a great cost to him.

I took every word, weighed it carefully and moved forward to make my decisions.  When it was all said and done, while neither of us truly knew it, we wound up without cost to him.

I did pay a cost this weekend.  One that for a while I'll think of often and sadly, but I will continue on.

What I learned about myself many years ago, is I tend to find anger is a good way for me to avoid feeling pain.  That's what I know inside my heart happened this weekend - though it wasn't I who was channeling pain into anger to make hell easier to bear.

In some ways, maybe I wish it had been me, but that still would have wound up with pain happening exactly where I didn't want it to happen.

Something else happened this weekend - I was made to truly 100% look at what was before me and analyze every minuscule bit of it.  I've said here that I love My Cyn, and I do.  What I now know, without a single shadow of a doubt is I am in love with him.

He has my heart in more than just the typical ways.  The manner in which he acted through my hell this weekend said so very much.  He was calm, rational, caring, thoughtful, and put my needs first at every turn - even when it may have been to his detriment.  He gave me the space I needed and held me tight when I needed.  He let me cry until I had no tears and let me mourn for and contemplate another man.

D~

So it has been a challenging weekend, to say the least.  One of his burdens to bear reared its very ugly head and prohibited us from seeing each other.  Under normal circumstances, that's not too horrible to endure.  Under our circumstances, it was horrible! Miserable!  Terrible!  Awful! and just plain sad. This guy has come to mean so very much to me and has been able to bring such needed and wanted relief, calm, passion, heart, love and fun to an area of my life that was so desperately missing it.  

We both wait patiently (ok, I'm not really patient) for the day to come when he can be so much more a part of my life.  We foresee building a huge family of seven and giving all four of our kids the best life possible. 

When I think of what that means...it amazes me.  Together our potential is beyond believable and I have no doubt that we'll achieve it.  We both desire success, happiness, a life that's livable, filled with fun and excitement.  We want to relax and enjoy what's around us, we want to see our family succeed, we want to love strong, hard and with vitality the rest of our lives....

Oh yeah, that whole common bond with kink thing helps too!

I love you, Cyn....very much and I realize that a little more with every challenge we face.

D~

Thank you, Cyn. You are just what I need.  I know that now.  There's nothing more that needs to be said.  

Your Mistress~

My, he may just be the most imperfect perfect person ever (after all, are any of us truly perfect?)  He corrects my spelling and typing.  He over thinks everything, and I mean everything - even way more than I do, yes, Loyal Reader, even more than I!

He procrastinates, he's a little bit late for everything, he doesn't always see the forest through the trees....However...!

He worships my feet, properly every chance he gets.  He apologizes if he even thinks he acted inappropriately, he opens my doors, carries my bags, caters to my every whim - even extra ice in a glass when he doesn't believe it's warranted. He makes sure what I like is available to me. 

He laid very still and took all 18 needles I put into his chest...even the 1.5 inch ones that I weaved...never felt needles before me.  He laid as still as he could while I carved a very big starburst into his upper right thigh.  He pleases me greatly in all the right ways every time. 

He drops everything to kiss me or hug me or anything, really, any time I asked, suggested, or pounced.  I'm very good at pouncing on unsuspecting submissive men who make me smile the way he makes me smile.  He pampers me, he thinks of me, he does small wonderful things simply to see me smile.

He's intelligent, he's  funny, he's very open to new ideas, he's amiable, he's kind, he's methodical, he's a problem solver.  He's a real man in ever sense of the word.  He's incredibly understanding of the nature of my most recent relationship and still knows that his position in my life is not threatened.  Yes, as perfect as perfect can be, he is for me.

Have I mentioned, Loyal Reader, that I'm damn sure we can take this one to the bank?  I told my husband that of all the men in my life since having met him, there's never been one that I didn't worry would leave at some point (yes, even Smith) - until now.  I believe that my Cyn loves me as unconditionally as my husband loves me and that we will be an amazing family one day.

I've met his lil ones and they are wonderful.  I can not wait to spend more time with them.  My lil ones love him and he can not wait to spend more time with them.  What more do we need? 

I cannot move forward without reflecting back some.  Fact still is I'm grieving for my loss in some ways, as I know my lost love grieves for me as well.  Cyn understands this, he lets me have it, he's there for me when it happens, and feels no threat, no concern, no worry that in my grief, I'll regress.  He's right.  I won't. 

I love you, My Cyn,

D~

Everything continues to go very well for my lovely doitall2you, who I've now aptly decided to call "My Cynosure".  Not sure why a dominant woman would call someone a Cynosure? Google is your friend *S*.  He's quickly, and I mean very quickly, becoming all I think about.  My spare time is consumed with thoughts of how I will take him, love him, hurt him and make him smile.  I continue to think about all of the wonderful things he does for me, says to me, and shows me each and every day. 

I dream of the day we can be in each others' arms every night.  I can't wait to bring our two families into one, I long for the moment we cross the threshold together and know we'll never be apart again.

Never be apart again - do you, loyal reader, believe that's possible for me?  Smith and I lost each other, what's to say I won't lose again?  Maybe I'm destined to never have another beyond my loving husband.  I hope that's not so, as this guy is as worth the effort as Smith, if not more so on some levels.  This guy, I know will not wind up like any before Smith ever did - I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Remember, Loyal Reader, when you think you've hit the end, when you think there's nothing left, when you believe with all your heart and soul that you've hit rock bottom....there's always room to move upward.  It's only over when we take that last breath - so keep seeking, keep hope up, keep love, want, need, and desire on fire in your heart the rest of your life.

I know I will.  I know My Cynosure will and together, we'll push through, around, over, whatever it takes to make a life of our own, with a huge family of 7 to give us happiness the rest of our days.

He's a beacon for me.  Something to believe in, something to hold on to, something to love without reserve.  I wish that for us all.

D~

Monday night I spent the first of many nights in the home of my new submissive.  We had a wonderful time!  We spent the entire night wrapped in each others' arms - it was warm, safe, and delightfully special.  There may have been a bite or twelve in there too....just sayin' *S*.

We both anticipate many more nights like this and I, for one, am giddy!  I can honestly say that I love him and loving him has come as a surprise, as neither of us anticipated finding love when we were simply seeking a play partner.  Amazing how things happen.

D~

Oh how change affects us!

I've lost my Smith, as we knew was going to happen.  Neither of us wanted it, but both knew it had to happen.  He and I both still love deeply and always will.  We just won't spend the rest of our years in each others' arms.  I've made peace with that, as has he.  Change.

Things are going very well with lovely doitall2you; very well indeed.  We both still have some challenges within our lives individually that require work.  Lots and lots of work...all to bring about change.

On the other side of all this change is happiness for all of us...peace, contentment, happiness, forgiveness - everything we need to move forward.

D~

As I knew I would be eventually, the difficulties that we face becoming totally one came to life for me yesterday and I was irritated.  I had to finally say what I had been thinking and let go or else burst.

He listened, patiently to every word.  He didn't object, he didn't deflect, he didn't change the subject or become defensive. 

How proud I am to have him as a part of my life! So many things have been made easier for me now that I know he gets it, that he understands my needs and is willing to put his own ego and needs aside to get me through my struggles.

It's a nice place to be - a really really nice place to be.

D~

What doesn't kill us, right?  Ever get sick of hearing that?  I certainly do.  I'm not really sure I could be much more sick of feeling like I should be dead. 

So...when I met the man you've read about in my last journal, I was pursuing someone else at that time as well.  This other person, we'll call him, V (for Vanilla) was exactly that.  He's cute, fun, and a great distraction from everything that was going on in my life. As I was trying to transition from a home with Smith to a home without him I chose this guy to enjoy briefly....hmmmm sounds like a rebound guy to me, what do you think, Loyal Reader?  You bet.  Rebounding all over the place.

So, this guy, who is very sweet to me, I've tried ever so nicely to let down, and make him aware that our time is over and I'm back to the real world.... you know, a world where I reign supreme and guys don't say things like "and what happens if I bite you instead?"  Because, well, that's just silliness now, isn't it?  "bite me"?  Really?  Methinks not.  It was cute, for a moment, now it's just a bit sad.

Though sad as it is, he is indeed sweet to me and shouldn't be hurt by my inconsiderate rebounding.  Alas, he will be exactly that.  I've tried to ease him away, toward others with things like my inability to be around much (let's not forget 2 jobs, 2 lil' ones and something like 18 credit hours a semester).  I've avoided phone calls and chatting yet it seems to be eluding him. I should "man up" as it were and just tell him I've moved on yet he seems fragile and easily broken.  I do hate to break toys - even vanilla rebound toys.  Most men love me for this - he will wind up hating me. 

I have about 1.2 microseconds of concern that: the wonderfully submissive man who I've grown to simply adore wonders if I'm not letting go for reasons beyond simple niceties.  He seems to know better, I nearly always trust that he does know better, but well...we are all just human, now aren't we?  Do we ever have a time in our lives without doubt about either ourselves or our loves?  Of course not. 

Doubt, like it or not is simply a part of life.  What's good about doubt, is when talked through, rationally, it can be cured!  Yes, there is a cure!  My wonderful new found flame and I do talk, incessantly, actually, and that's why I'm lucky enough to only have 1.2 microseconds of concern vs. full on "what do I do now?" concern. 

So back to poor V.  What's a girl to do?  Well, of course I'll do the right thing and tell him it's really not going to happen.  A lesson well learned though...

I would presume you believe my lesson learned was to avoid vanilla, but in fact, the lesson learned is rebounding is very important.  The appreciation I have for the man I met here (we should begin to call him NP for Nearly Perfect as he's just that), may not have been as strong and solid otherwise. 

Let's keep in mind that I'm losing something that was, at one time, nearly perfect on a level so very different from today.  I've watched, because that's what we do as humans, as Smith and I push apart a bit.  We are not as perfect as we once were and that's ok.  We are protecting ourselves from some of the hurt we'll feel very soon.

So going from nearly perfect Smith, two years ago, directly to nearly perfect doitall2you today would have, quite frankly, been a bad move.  I would have held him to "Smith Standards" from two years ago.  I would have been unforgiving when he displayed his own characteristics, which in fact should be highly appreciated. If they didn't meet a preset standard within my own little world, all hell would have ensued.  Now that's not cool, right?

I went from Smith to V so I had no expectations set.  I allowed the fun V time to play its own course.  Today, I've gotten to know doitall2you on a level far beyond that of two people getting to know each.  We've learned each other on levels that were even unknown to us before we encountered them together.  I fully understand today's expectations are not those of yesterday; that Smith is Smith and doitall2you is his own being too. 

Expectations for today?  Take it all in, start anew and drop the V! 

D~

Transition.  Life is a series of transitions and I'm in the middle of one of the most important sets of transitions of my life.  For those who know me, you'll understand.  For those who don't, read on and learn, if you like.

I'm back in school.  Yes, that's right, Loyal Reader, an MBA was not enough.  I am now working on advancing my nursing degree. Beyond the full time nursing school, I'm also taking part time classes to fulfill some prerequisites.   Nine months to go with that...What doesn't kill us, right?!

I have my regular full time job.  I work part time on the weekends and holidays and starting in November, if the stars align I'll be picking up some teaching work.  Only three jobs.  Not too bad, eh?

My live in and I are parting ways - not because we necessarily wanted to but because life has a way of doing stuff like that to people.  I expect our last day together to pop up and hit me in the head any day now.  Will it hurt?  You bet ya!  It's going to kill us both, but what has to happen, has to happen.   Ever see a fabulous dominant woman turn into a pile of sad mushy goo?  Well, I'm going to be exactly that when he leaves.  

For the record - Smith was never a lost bet.  He and I were amazing together.  We will mourn for our loss and smile for what we gained having been so close for so long.  We will never lose touch or sight and will remain there for each other for our lifetime.  It was simply time to move on for various reasons.

I'm seeking someone else - nay, I've sought someone else and found him.  After nearly two wonderful years with a man who I know to be irreplaceable, I've been able to find someone who is different - very different from what I typically seek.  While he will never replace, he will fit in ever so nicely and give back to me what I've lost....my equilibrium. 

I broke outside of my own comfort zone, emailed someone I would normally not.  As a matter of fact, I still can't today, tell you why I chose to pursue this guy.  I'm glad I did though.  We've hit it off fabulously.  We think in much the same way, I find him incredibly attractive, intelligent, funny (too funny sometimes...it hurts to laugh that much) and just generally thoughtful. 

We've met a few times face to face now, had more chats and phone conversations than I can count (maybe literally).  It's been a blast.  I've been very up front with him and him with me about our situations and life challenges.  We both have very significant life challenges right now (see above, right?).  We have decided to push through them together and move forward. 

So a set of transitions - that's putting it mildly eh?  And you only have half the story!  My new found interest has as many transitions as I -  all happening at the same time.  In about a year from now maybe life will settle down.

What I will tell you about his transitions is that they will spend a good bit of time frustrating me.  It's not his fault, but I will find myself frustrated.  I will probably take those frustrations and blurt them here...    In the meantime, the next year should be good for my Loyal Readers, as I imagine I'll be journaling a lot more again.

For those of you out there who have seen my ups and downs, who roll your eyes and say "yeah right", for those of you who think I'll never beat the odds, add this to your bet list...and we'll see who wins this time. 

Go, live, do, do something unexpected....I've done exactly that and I expect to reap very interesting benefits....place your bets, everyone.  Odd are in my favor this year.

D~

So far things are working out quite nicely with my newest find.  I don't think I'll be seeking in the near future....wish us luck!

D~

Very quickly I found someone with whom I have great interest.  I'm not seeking right now.  Thanks for your thoughts and nice words!

D~

So here we are.  Through absolutely no fault of anyone, I'm back on CM, doing what I do.  Life has a way of changing our plans for us, like it or not.  My Wonderful Love will be out of pocket due to various reasons over the course of the foreseeable future. 

We've had the talk on how to proceed.  Do we remain one and keep trying to keep trying or do we allow ourselves the chance to start anew?  We have agreed that our love is forever, regardless of what happens tomorrow and we both deserve to have a physical hold with someone who matters. 

We have both known for a while now that things were changing for our life together and I, especially have attempted to make peace with this.  It's tough.  It's much like Phillip and I were....we knew he was leaving, that wasn't going to change, but we made the absolute most of what we had.

So here we are.  I wonder if I still have loyal readers?  I wonder if my journaling will matter again?  I wonder if I can do this again and remain sane? 

For anyone even remotely interested in getting to know me...READ and read carefully.  I am splayed out in this journal for the world to see - the amazing, the good, the not so good, and the truly terrible.  I'm all here.  

I will tell you today that if and when he's available to visit, he will be welcomed into my home, as my friend, with open arms.  So here I am...with open arms (cute right, did you figure it out from the get go?)  And you, new guy, will have to be ok with that. 

For my own reasons, as many of you have too, my photos will not be posted this time around.  If we chat, if we seem to have  click, we'll go from there. 

D~

Because sometimes the last word is fun and the truth should be told.

Smith and I have been together since December 2009.  For all of the horrible things people have said about him - who either never met him in person or didn't try to get to know him, by the way - I've lived life with this man 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for nearly 18 months now.

He's pretty damn impressive.  He's never harmed my family.  He's never stolen anything.  He's never sat around being lazy or useless. He's never attempted to swindle money from my family.  He works.  He goes to school.  He takes care of my home.  He loves my family.  He grows gardens.  He works in the woodshop.  He fixes - clogged pipes, crying lil ones, empty dog bowls, sad Dommes, heck, darn near anything that needs fixing, my lovely and wonderful Smith can fix it.  My dog likes him better than he likes me.  He stands for truth.  He fights for what's right.  He even learned to have a bit of a filter.  He taught me to play darts and I'm not half bad!  He's mine.

So much animosity.  So many lies.  So much deceit.  So much trouble-causing pot stirring from so many who know so little, nearly ruined our meeting.

I take a special pride in myself for my last journal entry and for knowing that the crying and whining of what may as well be little girls playing grown up on the internet did not affect my intentions or perceptions about this man.

We are in love.  We are happy.  We are one. 

D~

When you just know it's right you just know it's right.  When you know it may not be right but want it to be right, you flounder.  That's my latest epiphany.

I and I venture to guess, most of us have been in situations and relationships where we knew that something wasn't quite right but it felt right enough to forage onward and hope for the best. 

Maybe we thought we could change the negative aspects, maybe we thought we could live without caring about them, maybe we thought we could simply overlook them. 

What happens, loyal readers?  We can't, we don't, and we won't.
  
So then what?  We live in misery, we live under dark clouds, we live without our bliss.  We balk and moan and bitch about how things aren't good.  We sulk, fuss, fight and argue.  We become less than who we really are and we lose ourselves.

Sometime fighting for something can be worth it, other times, not so much.  What happens, though, is we fight and we want so much for it to be good that we repress the not so good. 

I have gone back to my journals and read again and what I realize is that in my attempts to make things work, I don't give forum to the negative things, I don't underscore them, highlight them or give them the importance they truly have. 

I painted a stunning piece of artwork when things were pretty.  I painted a pretty picture when things were ok and I painted an ok picture when things were rotten.  Why?

Hmm... save face?  Portray an image?  Simply to paint a prettier picture because we all want things to be prettier.

The reason I acknowledge this today?  Because I'm journaling the most amazing things about Smith and I.  What I don't want to happen is my journaling becomes in vain for both myself and my reader. 

I journal for two very distinct reasons.  The first, because doing so helps me maintain my balance.  The second because I enjoy knowing that I've touched someone in some way with my words, my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences (otherwise my journaling would be done privately).

It is the second that matters to me related to this particular post.  You often see my words "loyal readers" and the truth is I do have a loyal following of readers and I LOVE that. I take pride in knowing there are a few people out there who view my words routinely, for whatever the reason.  They may think me a joke and that's ok, at least they think something about me.  It's when we have no opinions about something, does it truly diminish. 

What I strive for is accuracy, honesty, transparency and a full throttle approach to my journals.  That part is more for me, than my loyal readers, but they in turn benefit too.


Now back to my picture painting...
I see today, in retrospect, that some may read older posts related to other people and obviously know the failures within those relationships even though it may not read failure on first blush.  I deleted a lot of posts I wrote related to serious problems because I didn't want the negativity to implode on me, as it were.  I minimized a lot of issues in posts because I didn't want to, as mentioned above, portray a negative image for the partner or for myself.

What I'm good at is knowing myself and being willing to open up to what I know.  I'm willing to always be accountable for my actions and I am very introspective.  As my loyal readers well know, I know my S.W.O.T. analysis.

Today, introspection set in as I drove to St. Louis with Smith.  I thought about my journals...all of them and I thought about how my most recent journals may appear to my most loyal readers who've read everything...

I can hear some of it now..."she's said that before".  "but I thought she loved him"  "yeah, it will be just like last time"...the thoughts could go on and on...heck if I'm seeing that potential I know you see it. 

So...what's come of the epiphany?  A better sense of self.  Luckily I'm able to pull that forward often.  Today I can tell you that for all the entries related to the past live in...
I painted "up".  I painted the pretty as spectacular, I painted the ok as pretty and I painted the wretched as ok. Should I have done this?  Nope.  But fact is I did.  Why? Same reasons as before.  I didn't want it out in the universe that my life with this guy generally sucked.  I didn't want others on CM to know the true trouble he caused my family and me and I didn't want others to have a negative outlook toward any relationship I was a part of, whether accurate or not.  Was this wrong? Yep.  But fact is I did it.

Today I'm done with that.  I took time to read through my posts about my very new relationship with Smith.  I wanted to be sure I'm painting an accurate picture.  Thus far, the picture has been really good, bordering on stunning and I'm painting those strokes with perfection.

Smith is a wonderful man, full of life, energy, love, fun and devotion.  Even in a small moment of "not so good" we breeze through it with ease and come out better for it at the end.  I've never once gone to sleep wondering what the heck I'm doing with this man.  I've never once woke wondering if today's the day I'm finished with a charade.  I've never once wondered if my potential happiness was worth the expense of my family. 

Smith is a family man, he's a lover, he's a friend, he's a confidant, he's my slave, he's perfect for me in all his imperfections and I love him.

Taking the time for this self assessment has been good; eye opening and real.  It's given me a "whew" moment...I move forward in this relationship knowing that I'm not sucking down into a pit in which to paint a pretty picture because its easy. 

Our challenges will be our challenges and our successes will be our successes.  Either way keeping a reality check on hand is of utmost importance.

I thank you, readers, for your time, your attention and your thoughts.  I thank you for your quiet, unknown to you yourself ability to help keep me....me.

D~

So Smith and I took our first road trip this weekend.  We left last night to pick up the last of his things from Ohio.  I was anticipating the trip for several reasons.  Reason one...some alone time, quiet time just to talk and learn a bit more about each other.  After all, we've had this amazing whirl wind, both of us jumping in head first romantic liasion.  Details about each other had been coming along, but today we know so much more.  Second, what better way is there to find out if you are compatable than a 17 hour road trip?  Idiosyncracies abound during a road trip. 

What we learned was that we are simply perfect for each other.  He learned, specifically today, that the only defintion of a slave that matters is mine.  I learned today that he is the definition of slave, as defined by Donna.

We learned that our sense of humor is very compatable and that laughing at ourselves is more fun than we could have thought.

We learned that we have the very same romantic tendancies toward each other and in that sense we are wonderfully compatable.

I learned that he has a very deep respect for my family, particularly my husband.  He learned that I demand he find a complete and total respect for himself and that self deprecation would not be tolerated in his new home.

We learned that his goal in life is to see my family and me happy and my goal in life is to see him integrate into my home and family so we are all happy.

We learned that my needs and wants meet his desire and abilities to please.  I learned it's ok to fall in love with your slave, even if he's only worn your collar a few days.  He learned it's ok to fall in love with your Mistress even if she's married and madly in love with her husband too.

We learned that even sleep deprived we could keep each other alive, awake and smiling.  We learned that enjoying each other comes naturally and there's no work to what we have, yet anyway.  There's always work eventually, no? 

We further learned that the work to be done eventually will always be done in a good way and that we don't have to argue to disagree and we don't have to fight to have differing view points.  We don't have to yell to make a point and we don't have to disparage to find our own ground.

We learned, loyal reader, that there will never be too many road trips.

I do indeed, fully and completely, love this man.  He's intelligent, kind, thoughtful, caring, adoring, devoted, happy, gentle, smart, eloquent, loving and damn it, he's mine. 

I learned that I will never have to find another slave for collaring.  He learned that he will truly live the rest of his life with me, his final Mistress. 

We complete each other, nearly perfectly and nearly perfect is perfect for us.

D~

*sigh*  My house is clean, my bed is made, my meals are well balanced and correctly seasoned/prepared, my clothes are washed and ironed, my car is warm in the mornings, my tea is made to my satisfaction, my face has a permasmile.

D~

In all my adult life, I've never made the guy today pay for the mistakes of the guy before.  I've always been able to see that we are all individuals and the attitudes, expectations, and thoughts of one were not that of the collective whole.

I found myself ignoring my better sense last night.  My brain went into "protect the heart" mode.  My heart went into "ignore the brain" mode.

Luckily for us, I'm smarter than your average everydom and I made both my heart and brain talk to each other.   I can't begin to explain how difficult that was, especially with him sitting there in wonder as to what was going to happen next.  My irrational need was to push far and push hard. 

Last night was the last night I will ever make that mistake again.  I'm not perfect, heck, I'm not even kinda close to perfect.  I'm also not stupid and pushing away, wow...that would be stupid.  Especially because of someone else's mistakes.

~~~~~

You know, loyal reader, when I asked Smith here, it was because I was dying to meet him.  It was because I felt the desire to know this man, to understand him, to be close to him long enough to determine if we were something to explore. 

He never asked to visit, he never asked me to consider him, he never asked for anything from me except friendship.  I didn't even know the "inner sanctum and workings of Smith" before I invited him here.  In his need to be honest he shared his inner workings with me once I asked him to visit but before he showed up at my doorstep...just in case I found those workings to be unacceptable.

Blah blah blah...trust me, loyal reader, I wanted him here, baggage be damned.

In a matter of a few days visiting, I learned that I didn't think I'd ever want to be without him around.  He's been transparent with me.  He's let me into his world for the good and for the not so good.  He's showed me his failings, shortcomings, and he's opened up the baggage compartment for me to examine his steamer trunk.

It doesn't matter what came before me.  It doesn't matter what did or didn't work.  Not a single letter typed or uttered, no less word, sentence or paragraph matters before today.  I don't care what happened ten years ago, five years ago, last year, or last month.  What I care about is what happens today.  I care about the interactions in my home, the love that flows freely, the man he is to me, today.

I care about the outcomes of the last 40 some odd years.  I care about my perceptions of the outcomes.  After all, loyal reader, while our perceptions may not always be spot on, aren't they what matter most day in and day out? 

Don't we live our lives based on our perceptions first?  Don't we formulate then allow them to be altered if we feel we're under the incorrect perceptions?  Don't we often hold our perceptions to be truths, even when they may not be? 

Don't shake your head no before you think about it... it's human nature to want to protect what we believe to be truths.  It's human nature to want to fight for our beliefs, for our truths.

Oh wait... perception = belief = truth?  Yeah, um no.  That's not right. 

Keep in mind, loyal reader, that while we often innately fight to keep our perceptions from shattering, our perceptions are not necessarily lined up with our inner beliefs and our beliefs, while they may indeed be truths, they are not always. 

Simply said:  Your truths may not be mine, nor mine yours.

My truth for today?  Smith is an amazing, wonderful, lovely man who is truly augmenting the happiness in my life.  He's here because I want him here.  He's been everything he said he was...and more...  I never expected the level of service, caring and devotion he's shown me in such a short time from anyone, ever.  He's willing, wanting and craving of me, all of the things he never thought he'd enjoy, want or need.

My belief for today?  This man expresses himself so easily, so openly and so simply.  I walked into this feeling that I would meet a lovely man who very well may be exactly the type of service submissive I'd like to have.  I walked in believing that he'd never fill my needs, cravings and desires to engage in some of my most favorite edgy preferences.  I believed that because he believed that. Today, we find we were both wrong and our belief has changed because we know the truth (see above).

My perception for today?  Many women are catty, petty and silly.

D~

So what better way is there to break in a new sub than to make him hang around for geeky gamer game night?  Well, there is the floggings, cutting, fire and needles.  There is the unending amount of housework with a family of 5.  There is the expectation that I want what I want when I want it.  But, seriously, what better way is there to break him in?  No, there is none...

There's not really.  So Saturday game night found Smith amiable, without doubt.  It also found him willing to input the work, albeit not terribly difficult, but work nonetheless.  He cleaned before the barrage of geeks arrived.  He cleaned while they were here.  He cleaned this morning after they left.  Whew.  Cleaning for game night sucks and game night happens nearly every Saturday.

Of course it's not just the cleaning about being submerged into a world of geekdom.  It's we the geeks ourselves. 

Wow.  Hm.  How does one sum up a room full of us?  We're loud, we're messy, obviously, we're rambunctious and most of all, well, we're geeky.  We laugh hysterically at things like "the chameleon moved to the center of the party and slit his own throat, everyone take 4d2 damage".  Which, loyal reader, some of you will think "what the hell?" and some of you laughed hysterically the second you read it. 

Smith, well, he's not at all geeky and that quote made as much sense to him as it did to most of you.  So, learning to find that funny...it can be cumbersome.

Of course, my geek infused friends are well aware of who I am, what I do, and the nature of the lovely man at my feet.  That can be tough at first too, especially if that lovely man is not quite as open as I.

Smith did a beautiful job of assimilating.  He was pleasant, engaging and engaged.  He was perfectly willing to show who he is in the most appropriate ways to the people around him.

He's actually reading the Player's Handbook for D&D 4e as I type.  How awesome is that, eh? 

Yeah, yeah, that means nothing to you non gamer geeks out there.

To me it means the world. 

...and have I mentioned how very incredibly romantic he is?  Yum.

D~

Tonight I chose to enage with my latest meet and greet from Ohio, his name is Smith.  Yep, that's right, Smith.  He's been here since Wednesday evening and tonight was the first evening things were a bit settled.  He's rested from the trip, I was home at a decent hour and I was simply dying to, darn it.

His pain acceptance experience is not at a level even close to my pain administration experience.  Few are, as you know, loyal reader.  He was ready and willing to be a part of what I needed and wanted.  He was open and honest. He left my claws ready for more, full well knowing I've much more to give.

I found myself pleased and energized.

D~

After a whole day of introspection and looking back, I'm still very relieved.  I'm not sad.  I'm not upset.  I'm glad it's finally over.  Don't get me wrong, loyal reader... there was a time when I loved this guy with no abandon.  I wanted him safe, healthy, and happy. 

There was a time when I walked through hell to make the relationship work.  I wanted it to be good, I wanted it to be healthy, I wanted it to be honest.

I was lead to believe he was really lifestyle, that he was really willing to submit to me, that he was honest about himself and his life.  Over time my family and I learned he lied, he manipulated, he dodged, he did whatever he wanted regardless of the wants and needs of thsoe around him, including me.

I learned he had no ambition to do anything beyond the absolutely required, that he only heard what he wanted to hear and that he refused to get real help. 

We can't help someone who chooses not to be helped.  We can't, no matter what, *fix* anyone.  Only they can do that themselves.  We can only assist.

He was not good to my family on multiple levels and we tried so very hard to help even with his lack of appreciation for the roof over his head, the computer he used, the phone line we gave him, the car we allowed him to drive, the food, the clothes etc. 

Even as he was being told to leave last night he complained because he expected that he should get the car because for about 5 months in the last 28 months he provided this family with approximately $100 a week. 

I gaurantee you, loyal reader, nowhere can you live in a home, get food, clothes and personal items, use a laptop, color printer, cell phone and car for approximately $72.00 a month.  If you do the math for the last 28 months, that's about what it comes to.

He'll argue, given the chance, that he cared for my children during some of that time and that was "payment" to us also. Though, I believe that caring for children does not mean coming home to find your child crying because he yelled at them for no apparent reason. 

Part of being a good submissive is caring for the family in the manner particular of the dominant.  Both my husband and I explicitly told him our expectations and he failed to meet them 90% of the time.  I don't consider that caring, I consider that beligerence.

Whew, I had to get this off my finger tips *S* and now I feel even better than when I started.

Thank you for your indulgence, loyal reader.

D~

There are many things I appreciate in people:  Kindness, compassion, intelligence, etc.  There is something though, that even goes beyond devotion for me.

Integrity and honesty.  When someone is able to bare, I am touched.  In the interest disclosure and transparancy a near stranger shared his very inner self with me.  What he had to say wasn't all flowers and rainbows, as a matter of fact, none of it was flowery or pretty colors.

For someone to find the inner strength to do that shows courage and a very serious want to be open about himself thus starting a potential relationship off with an advantage...  No hiding.

This shows me that he's not only thinking, but he's growing.  He's becoming a better person...He did this not because he wants to impress me, as I'm quite sure he felt he'd extract the exact opposite reaction.  He did this because he knows he's falliable, he knows life is difficult, he knows that honesty is important.  he knows that he'll never find his way without a some cold hard facts slapping him in the face.

I am impressed by his integrity.  I am honored he felt he could share with me.  I am happy to take the time to know this man beyond his foibles.

D~ 

Well time runs down much too quickly for Philip and me.  He leaves Sunday, as I've mentioned, and we probably will spend our last day together Wednesday. 

I'm a jumper, as you well know, loyal reader and I jumped.  I'm not at all saddened that I jumped.  I'll never regret that I jumped and I'm a better person for having jumped. 

How many jumps was that? *S*

Please know that my goal is to continue to find "the one".  I know you are out there somewhere.  You know I am out here somewhere.  Now to find each other....

D~

*Ping*  Someone asked me a question today and it has prompted me to write.

"Please describe your dream sub."  I know I have journals on this topic already, but because it's important to recognize that we always evolve (for some de-evolve), I decided to answer the question here, again.


He's completely devoted to me. He is most happy when he makes me smile. He learns my ins and outs. He knows my eccentricities. He loves me with unabashed vigor and knows his place in my family. He is friends with my husband and is good to my children. 

He is willing to push his boundaries with me. He is educated, well mannered, well read, enjoys being silly. He loves my friends as much as I do and enjoys being around them, even if he's serving them drinks and dinner. 

He understands that I am not perfect.  I have flaws that make me human and still, I'm dominant and the person he knows has total control... even when I choose not to exert it overtly.  He wants to indulge me when I'm feeling needy and even when needy he knows he still belongs to me. 

He likes to play board games, cards and maybe an RPG or two.  He doesn't mind looking foolish in front of friends.  After all, we all look foolish sometimes, be it purposeful or not.

He is always accountable for his actions, he's honest, loyal and forthcoming.  He has this knack for learning about me without too many prompts.  He pays attention and takes a note.  He is not perfect but will always admit his inperfections.  He knows that I love him and that loving him is what makes our BDSM bond strong. 

He is not jealous or petty.  He puts me first in everything and allows me to occassionally put him first.  He knows I respect his ideas and thoughts even when I choose to go my own path.  He never feels belittled when I do.  He is not arrogant or cocky.  He is not GQ and he's not a slob.  He sees the potential in everything.  He always tries, even if he knows the chance of success is limited.

He understands we all have some baggage and that's ok because it's how we carry it that matters.



D~

Well this slightly sad girl is happy too!  I found a dear friend and an amazingly dark/visceral top, whom I've not seen in years. 

There are times when we just lose sight of people for various reasons and there's not much either can do about it.  There was no argument, there was no parting of the ways.  Life just gets in the way.  Something just wasn't meant to be. (Now don't think stalker when you read the next bit, think loyalty and love.)

Over 4 years ago we lost phone contact and we both moved.  That was it.  Over these 4 years I've looked here and there, hoping to get back in contact with him.  Every so often I'd mention him to my husband...wondering if he's ok. 

Well, I learned of a new (to me) lifestyle website and checked there under the nickname I knew he used...sure enough!  There he was...picture and all.

Grr....and his last activity on that site?  Oh, a year ago.  Foiled again. 

But...but wait...Through a series of people, emails and phone calls, we talked tonight!  And he's doing wonderfully!  I'm so pleased and elated to hear it.  We'll be getting together to catch up soon.

So a bright moment in a rather bleary, bleak week.  *S*

D~

Well, I'm a lucky girl.  I've met someone who I would love to see a relationship grow and flourish and as I've stated I'm interested in play partners while he and I figure out where we are or are not going. 

So a very nice boy desires to clean a bit for me and I've taken him up on that offer.  I have lots to do, that's for sure.

Tonight I had dinner with someone a bit more well rounded and seemingly very ready to please and grow. 

While poly, I have no desire to have Mr. Monday, Boy Tuesday, Slave Wednesday, well you get the point.

So! Wish me luck, wish me satisfaction, wish you were them *S*

D~

I've been challenged lately and it's been terrific.  When someone truly appreciates you for you, it's amazing the questions they ask, the thoughts they have, the interest they take. 

I never minimize those I've met who are great people. I relish them, even.  Know that there is an unsurmountable difference between a great person and a great slave.  Of course, you simply can't be a great slave without being a great person first. 

I'm quite fortunate to have met a great slave who wants... desires... and would, I believe, beg to take care of my every need to the very best of his ability.  Yeah, you know, He does take care of my every need to the best of his ability.

Back to questions.  His questions are those that delve into not only who I am today but who I was yesterday. Questions... questions that show me he cares on a level much further beyond that of a kink fix or a generalized need to serve someone. 

Tonight he left me pleased, calm, and hopeful.  Hopeful for all that is possible in this life.  Certain that my life has fallen into place just as it should. 

...of the good, the indifferent, the miserable I am who I am for all of it.  I am where I am because of it.  I've struck a chord with someone who simply makes me pulse in all the right ways. Without yesterday, without last month, without three years ago, today would never have existed.  I'm convicted in that belief.

I know myself very well as I've lived a life of introspection.  My dominant side, which has already taken a jump has quite literally pushed the concientious part of me through a plate glass window. I am reeling forward much too fast.  It's awesome in the most literal definition of the word.  It's powerful, it's beautiful, it's blissful.  It's damn scary and I love it.

All for a few questions, contemplated and strategically asked... All for an adoration beautiful.

D~

It was suggested that my entries are difficult to read due to the black on red set up. I worked diligently to change the background last night and what I learned is CM is not quite advanced enough to allow for such things. 

I can change my entries going forward, but for anything past, the background changes, and the text remains "highlighted" in this red.  Well, that's no help!  So I sighed and went to bed, confident that I could make it work this a.m. 

This entry is the potential solution.  Is light gray, larger font, on red any better?  I ask you, reader, to let me know because I could read the black and red just fine.

There are some things about us that are "not so super superpowers" and mine is this uncanny vision thing.  Read on!

All my life I've been told I have this amazing vision; much better and beyond that of mere mortals *S*.  Do you remember those discs at the eye doctor that are made up of colored dots?  And somewhere in those dots is a number?  Well I can see them all, every time.  I hear that "normal" vision stops somewhere before all of those disks.   I can read the smallest lines on charts and I can see the most minute and obscure pictures through the opthamalogic scopes and equipment.

My vision is such that only in the last 18 months have I ever had, what I thought to be a vision issue.  It seemed as though I couldn't read from as far away as I used to be able.  Off to the optometrist I went.

(By the way, my two sisters, one younger and both my parents wear glasses already) 


I left his office very upset because he states my vision is just fine.  I complained, "but doctor, I can't see like I used to".  "Maybe, Donna, it's strain and stress from computer work.  Keep your eyes lubricated and you'll be fine." 

So I purchased the $15.00 drops he suggested and I've used them once.  I think they are in the bottom drawer of my desk  at work, under extra napkins, a plastic spoon and a fingernail file. 

After another week or two (maybe 6) of complaining it dawned on me that I've spent my life with this extraordinary vision... it was almost X-Ray quality after all...  that today at age 35, when I finally have normal vision, I feel as though I've lost something. 

I venture to guess that if we compared a vision exam from 1988 and 2008 we'd see a drastic difference.  My superhuman vision had finally degraded to typical human vision.

So, as you can see, it would stand to reason that I thought the black on red, perfectly acceptable, as I've only lost a minimal amount of distance sight. 

I ask you, loyal and honest reader, is this better?

D~

So, what may an average day be like around here?

That depends on the dynamic we set up together.  How boring would life be if I had the exact same expectations for you, that I do Lovely Philip?  Cripes.  Even thinking it makes me yawn.

There are so  many types of dominants and submissives out there.  We all have our preferences and lets face it, no matter how much we dominant types want all subs to be able to conform exactly to our needs, that will never happen.  Though how easy would a CM search be if it did!!  Wow.  Fade in...

Donna needs a new sub.  Perfect Sub had to move to New Zealand to care for old and ailing Aunt Mildred.  Donna logs into CM, which she hasn't done in years because well, Perfect Sub had been around and perfect for 10 years.  The first sub to pop up on her screen is well, what do you know?  Perfect Sub, yes, loyal reader, there he is.  He doesn't look quite the same, but he's ready, willing, and able to step into the now empty spot in my home.  I send an email, demand he show.  He does.  He gets my laundry list of never changing expectations and TA DA! 

I don't even remember what New Zealand boy's name was now.  He's been perfectly replaced in less than 24 hours.

Ah sweet bliss. *Cough, hack, puke*

Let's find reality again, shall we?  The reality is, no matter how much we may like any particular sub, there is work to be done to fashion him into what makes him as close to perfect as you can get.  He may still have that very strict limit of no needles, fire or knives ever, anywhere, for anything. 

I can't change that, I don't want to change that.  I just want it augmented.  If you can't provide everything I need, then I seek to find someone who either fills the entire need or I find someone with the qualities you don't have.

So here it gets sketchy doesn't it?  So here we have this lovely puzzle.  In my puzzle there are let's say, 10 pieces.  

If you are 9 of those pieces then you probably are suitable for a potential live in situation and the one missing piece will be worked out in time.

If you are 6 well, I'd need to augment with someone who has the other 4 pieces.   If you only have 1 or 2 pieces of the puzzle, it's time to start searching again.

I have a suspicion that my loyal readers are wondering exactly how many pieces Philip has put into the puzzle for me.  *S* 

What I can say with certainty is that Philip gives me a balance I have not had in a very long time. He is able and willing to provide for all of my needs in relation to private engagements. 

While we missed our opportunity to examine his abilities to serve around the house last weekend, I have no reason to doubt his ability or willingness there. 

One of my new favorite activities is to stop on my way home from work and meet him to talk.  He's engaging, interesting, funny, intelligent and always, always, a gentleman.  So that piece is in place.

He's wonderful around the children, my husband likes him, and it's comfortable having him in my home.

The only piece missing, as of today, is are we really meant to be together.  As I've noted in past journals, he and I will figure that out together over time and until such time, I continue to seek individual puzzle pieces for play time.

D~

So I had such a fun game night last night. I had grand plans to leave dishes and soda cans and all the crumbs laying right where they landed to allow lovely Philip the opportunity to prove himself in domestic service.

I'm quite sure he needn't prove anything, but well, read my last entry.  I like life well enough.  I enjoy day to day stuff most of the time.  I appreciate change and surprises and intriguing plot twists...

but not so much today.  We just weren't meant to connect this weekend.  Such a shame after the week of laughter,  bruises, and obedience we've shared. 

I guess even the best dominants can't always have their way *S*

D~

I realized today, or um, yesterday since technically it's now Sunday...

I missed him, all day.  Each time he popped on messenger I wasn't there and vice versa.  It was frustrating.  Not because of a lack of non compliance or a demanding need, but because I so enjoy his company. 

He's funny, sensible, intelligent, and simply lovely.  I so enjoy seeing his smile, hearing his stories, just chatting online and of course enjoying every tactile moment available to us. 

D~

Because of my retrospection today I move more conscientiously tomorrow.  The demanding, dominant part of me must wait, pay attention to the conscientious part of me and know, without a shadow of a doubt I've made choices of which I am proud.

I am who I am.  I do what I want.  I love how I love.  Somewhere I heard, maybe a radio commercial, that there is no bad weather, only inappropriate clothing. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll post on how that applies to my life.  Live, loyal reader, like tomorrow will never come.  Love hard, laugh loud and show conviction.

D~

I am beginning to feel centered and normal again and it's nice.  I laughed, and I mean really laughed for the first time in a long time today.  I can't say what's going to happen in April, but I do know that between now and mid December I'm going to relish every single moment I can.

D~

Some time ago, someone I care deeply for disappeared...from me.  Not from CM, not from day to day life, but from me.  I hurt her.  I didn't mean to, am still not 100% sure how and would love the opportunity to discuss it.
You know, I frequented the message boards for some time; spent some time on one thread acting silly. I feel something said there was the catalyst...though I'm sure somehow I threw fuel too.  For that I apologize.  If you think about me occassionally, if you read though my journal anymore...please give me 5 minutes, or rather, let me have 5 minute of your time.  I've missed you for months and months, Charlotte.
D~

I believe in the benefit of the doubt.  I believe in giving someone every chance available.  What is one to do when every chance is misused and abused?  Since the last time I wrote here, things unfortunately have not continued to get better as they seemed.  Why?  Because my level of frustration and ability to give chances is dying away.  Because I can't bear to hear one more half truth or one more cya moment.  I'm tired, my family needs to see that happiness again and I don't really know if it's possible if things stay the way they are.  So now what? 

Change of course!  Don't like it the way it is?  Then change it.  Stand up tall, put on those big girl panties and move on. 

So, I bet you'll see me here a bit more frequently in the near future.  Weighing my options and thinking about change.  I just wonder who will finally make the change...him...or me.

D~

Contrast....Today it is all about contrast.  Seeing the right versus the wrong; the eloquent versus the mediocre is pretty amazing sometimes. 

I thank every opportunity I've been handed, quite so silver platterish today, to see the beauty in fully regale, honor and maturity in my e01n.  (by the way, did you know it's pronounced "own" with a deemphasis on the w and not eohin? tis true!)

I never need him to prove himself to me.  He's shown himself time and time again and I know who he is...knowing it's e01n means knowing he gets it, period; knowing it's e01n means I get it, period and never having to prove myself.

Men, men of honor, dignity, truth and love come along few and far between.  When you, faithful reader, are in the fortunate place of choosing your right versus wrong, choose right...it will always shine for you.  Wrong, no matter how silent, passive aggressive or blatant, will haunt you later.  Never live in mediocrity, it will only show you to be bitter and boring; bested by those living in a state of eloquence...even when White Knight kicks in. 

I love my Knight.

D~

e01n is settling, so it appears, beautifully here.  In the past I've chosen to pursue play partners and people to top on occassion when I've had a collared one.

I've made the decision to close my wonderful family to other men.  Will we at some point invite a female in? Maybe.  Time will tell and I'm in no hurry.

e01n brings to me so much more than I thought one man could.  He has strength in him and has this beautiful ability to give me strength.  He enjoys a power struggle as much as I and enjoys more the benefits of being on either side of said power. 

He has given me an outlet to release my want to submit in a way that I've not enjoyed in a very long time.  He's shown me more respect, love and dedication than anyone since my husband. 

He has given me an outlet to release my need to dominate in a way that I've never enjoyed before.  He's shown me more deference, trust and love than *anysub*, ever.

e01n has shown me he's human, falliable and substantial.  He's shown me he strives for perfection and hates to settle while still knowing his limitations.

I struggled, for some time, with responses to a thread I started on the other side and in meeting e01n I struggled again; fearing he'd presume what others had about me.  This fear, unfounded and silly was laid to rest for eternity last night.  He asked me to consider who it is I'm underestimating here.  Underestimation even in trepidation is not ever a consideration.  e01n gets it.  He simply gets it, he gets me, he gets his family.

Love and acceptance is eating cold soup from the leftover bowl of a two year old, biologically unrelated.


D~

and sometimes....cold soup is never cold soup.

When searching for someone with whom to share our lives do we search into ourselves first?  How do we determine what sets our criteria and what is that criteria?

I lusted for someone (we can call him Everysub [thank you Philip Roth]) who was a conglomeration of memories, the stories of others, fantasies and somewhere in the mix, a bit of me; myself.

In my years I began to wonder if such a person existed.  I wondered if my criteria were set poorly.  I wondered if it was possible to find someone who fit me. 

I took chances on a few people here and there.  I made a couple of really great friends, I was harmed along the way in two very different ways and I ventured to regain myself and move forward.

Here in lies the problem:  I ventured forward never changing criteria, never expanding and breaking the paradigm that was me.  I looked to those memories of people gone by, the wants and loves of others and my own little current day input to search for "the one". 

When he failed to be submissive enough, or funny enough, or close enough, or intelligent enough or, or, or...I could go on for days....

I then moved past Everysub.  Am I suggesting that I should have settled somewhere along the line? No.  What I'm suggesting is I did settle along the line.  I settled into that box and couldn't see past myself to what was important.  I couldn't make my way clear to choose based on criteria that fits who I am today.

Then from no where comes this, this, submis....no, slav....no , man.  Yes, that's it.  This man.  He's obscure almost to a fault.  His humor is dry, his writing succinct, his words poorly thought out in the text of a conversation.  He was everything I didn't want in a submissive.  He was mouthy and arrogant, he was bull headed and cocky. He was, well, a jackass.  He was everything I wanted in a man.  He was funny and charming, he was literal and intelligent, he was heart and soul bound as one, he was well, amazing.

Why in the world would I spend my time on this man?  What made him someone I wanted, no, needed to get to know better?  I found myself loving who I was when I chatted with him.  I found myself extended and challenged.  I found myself yearning to learn more.

I spent moments thinking I could never have this man in my life long term because he frustrated me beyond comprehension.  I walked away thinking I wouldn't turn around.  I hurt when I felt it was over. I went back to say I couldn't just leave this... no matter how frightening and complicated it seemed.

I resigned myself to meeting him...to ensuring that I could never live another day without finding out what happened face to face with this man.  I had to...  Enough so that I drove 4 hours to meet him, in his town, on his terms.

When I, for the first time, saw his smile light up a room, I knew I had made the right decision.  He wasn't a jackass, he wasn't arrogant or cocky.   He was shy, and nervous.  He was sweet and thoughtful.  He was romantic and insatiable. 

I knew I wanted this man in my life.  I knew that it didn't matter how well or poorly we communicated via instant messanger.  It didn't matter how we felt when we chatted on the telephone.  It didn't matter that he was now totally exposing all of himself to me. 

What mattered was I got him.  I understood him; his needs; his wants; his goals.  I just understood; with said understanding I felt love.  Love in ways that I've not felt for an Everysub before. 

But I broke every paradigm I knew to bring this man into my life.  I just stopped thinking in terms of a man built from my memories of past men and focused clearly and with intent on Keith and what he brings to me today.  Moreover, I focus on what I give to him.  I aspire to be the person who completes him. 

Completes him? Yes.  I want nothing more than mutual fulfillment for he and I built on the love we have for each other and family; built on trust, heart, and willingness to try and fail; built on tomorrow's dreams, not yesterday's memories. 

Thank you, Keith, for giving back to me, Me.
D~

This will be the last time I say this.  If you can't believe it here and now then you never will and shouldn't waste your time contacting me.

My husband is well aware of and in support of me and the lifestyle I choose to lead. He is not jealous and does not feel neglected.  He loves me and no one entering this home could ever be the reason for the demise of this marriage.  My marriage is stable, loving, and wonderful. 

If you can't trust in this then move along so you are not wasting my time or yours.

D~

His measure is not in that he tries to earn favor or love from me.  His measure is that we love mutually therefore he aspires to please.

My measure is not in that I hand to him fantasies and fetishes.  My measure is that we love mutually therefore I aspire to give.

D~

Ok...the entry on an amazing live in slave...as defined by Donna.

I changed perfect to amazing because well..no one is perfect (may be perfect for me, but not perfect for everyone or in everything).  I changed household to live in because that's what I seek.

Just like my dominant thread I'll take this in pieces:

Amazing... He throws himself wholeheartedly into us.  He thinks about me, my family, and himself in everything he does.  His smile lights up the room and his laughter is infectious.  The amazing man is always up for a challenge, sees my family as his family and works hard for the whole.  He compliments me and challenges me.

Live in…  pretty darn self explanatory.  I want a 24/7 TPE.  Live in is just that:  Live in.

Slave…  a slave is a friend.  He is a lover in what ever aspect(s) I choose.  He is hard working, intelligent and honest.  He is appropriate and caring.  He knows when to add his two cents and knows when to defer.  He loves being under the guidance of me; he is not afraid to be wrong and strives to do it right.  His yearn is to be mine.

We should all know by now that there is no one way to define labels in our lifestyle.  I have always said I want a conglomerate of a slave and a sub.  Something that defines my needs; not some stereotype that abounds in chat rooms and the fantasy of the wankers.

When I think of, when I say, slave I think of someone I love.  He's beautiful, he's kind and caring.  He's fun and funny. He always tries to be appropriate in his interaction with me and is always appropriate in his interaction with my family. 

He is a part of the family.  He does fun things with us as a whole (not only because I need my purse carried but because without him we would miss him)

Is he always my slave?  Of course.  I don't at all ever want him to feel that I'm not in control.  If that happens, I've done something wrong.  

I don't want a butler standing in the corner watching everything from a distance waiting for his bell to ring when I need a drink or my foot pampering.

I want to know when I'm you are ready but still casual relaxed and family oriented. 

This is as much about love, being loved and loving where you are it is being mine.

Some time ago someone asked me to define a beautiful lifestyle dominant from my perspective.  Maybe it is time to define what I believe to be the "Perfect Household Slave"

Stay tuned.  I will post something akin to that very soon.

D~

I am perplexed as to some of the things I read and see each day. 

The insinuations and ideas that M/s, BDSM and D/s related things are devoid of "good" feelings, love, and open honest level communication is really disheartening.

Don't get me wrong, I've known those who have a very rigid want in their execution of this life; that's fine.  But the idea that it is universal is just fallacy.

The love that I show for my slave is as real and warm as the love I show for my husband. 

The *main* difference between my husband and my slave is that my slave defers to me where as my husband and I have an even exchange of power. 

My slave does as I request without question because he has a trust in me that I will provide the best possible outcomes for him. He believes in my abilities to think clearly and make good decisions.  

This doesn't mean that I am infalliable.  None of us are.  I have times when I am stern, when I'm bossy, when I want what I want when I want it. 

When we are sitting around enjoying a movie we are still dominant and slave.  When we are miles apart we are still dominant and slave. 

Why is it hard to believe that you can be both a "typical" couple and a D/s, M/s or BDSM couple as well?

I love my multifacited life.

D~

I tend to get a bit of flack on the message boards here.  I type off the cuff and don't always give long and thoughtful responses.  I enjoy saying what I feel, even if what I feel isn't the most popular with everyone else. 

Don't get me wrong...if I have knowledge and passion and can help...I certainally will. 

I have yet to understand why people put so much stock into the opinions of those they will probably never meet and have no idea if the person is even who they say they are. 

What proof do you, avid reader, have that I am really me?  The face pic that now shows?  That proves I can find a picture of a really hot woman.  My journals?  That proves I can type well (or that I can con someone into typing for me).

It is most interesting for me to read people "fight back" when someone attacks them.  I did that once.  Well no...I did the attacking, he fought back.  It was fun for me.  *BAD Domme*  Though I typically prefer to keep the peace.  I do this by not giving in to stupid banter back and forth, back and forth.

Occasionally someone emails me here to ask a question....most recently I was asked if it was ok to swallow the cum of some random person because he "didn't want to take a disease home to his wife" and his profile indicated he needed "discreet encounters"

When I suggested at age 50 some odd (I can't recall exactly now) and being married I'd think that he would be smart enough to know of those dangers. 

He wrote back and called me mean.  Go figure.  I replied that I can live with being mean if another troll bites the dust.

I love to help where I can, really...but please, if you must email me...be intelligent about it!

D~

Slave.  Some use this term to define themselves in regards to service.  That's fine, since I have always used the words slave and submissive interchangibly for MY purposes (not anyone else's). 

I've done an entry or two before about terms and I see that the message boards are filled with "definitions", "arguments" and "whyforhowcomes" about labels (and yes, ladies and gents...they are labels).

I wonder if there is an ultimate BDSM dictonary somewhere that tells what every term and word means...*S* not likely. 

I have this strange concept that having a mix of the two terms (slave and submissive) is perfectly acceptable.  I would also venture to guess that while people give themselves one specific "label" there are few who don't find themselves a meld of the two. 

I push for everyone who reads this to think hard about who you are and what you want.  Of course we have to pick a label when we create our profile...but then give explanation in your profile as to who you are. 

He will be my amalgam.  He has a voice and knows how to use it.  He has a mind and a heart and doesn't walk around me on egg shells.  He defers to me, he communicates to me, he ensures his needs are met through the meeting of my needs.  He is a willing participant in my kinks and he respects his limits and expects me to respect them. 

He will not allow me to harm him (of course he knows I wouldn't anyway).  He will not blindly defer to me.  This meaning that while yes, he defers, he does so under the premise of RACK. 

For those of you who wonder what these terms mean:

RACK = Risk Aware Consentual Kink.  This means you realize the play you are about to engage in is RISKY.  You are AWARE of said risk and you CONSENT to engage in the KINK anyway.


D~

The message boards here are becoming a wonderful tool for me to express further how I feel about certain issues.  Topics that never crossed my mind before now bear a signature D~ on them...

D~

What brings out sadism and or masochism in people?  I'm asked all the time if I went into healthcare because I can hurt people *injections, catheters, etc.* and get away with it.  Quite the contrary.  I went into healthcare because I love helping people.  I wanted to teach and nurture and heal people.  Never once have I jabbed a patient with a needle just to see him squirm.  I try to make it easy and as painless as I can.  I don't want my patients to feel pain.  I want to relieve them.

So now comes the "how can you be a sadist then?" question.  Well, because there is a group of people out there we call masochists.  Masochists have a need for something very specific which, as we all know is pain.  Why does a maso need pain?  Got me...depends on the maso.  The point is they need it.  The feel the want of it for release. 

So I suppose the next question(s) is "do you hurt people because they like it then, and you really don't?  Wouldn't that make you a service top?"  No.  I love it.  I love watching someone squirm.  I love watching him take that deep breath because he knows what is coming next.  I love watching the muscles in his body tighten as he tries ever so hard to relax them.  I love watching the facial expressions as I administer varying types and degrees of pain. 

The end all be all, though, is he must WANT and appreciate the pain for what it is. 

Now....back to why masochists are masochists.  I'm not a therapist and haven't a clue.  What I do know is that sometimes people want to feel pain for all of the wrong reasons.  When I get the vibe someone's reasons are unhealthy I send them packing. 
How do I know what's unhealthy you ask?  I suppose I really don't *wasn't a therapist in the paragraph above and still not in this one *S** but if the vibe freaks me out it freaks me out and that's life.

Speaking of life...Live, Love, Laugh!

D~

I'm officially addicted to the message boards.  They are fun, insightful, and sometimes just stupid...but addicting nonetheless.  I am posting fairly frequently now.  Sometimes I'm insightful sometimes I call a spade a spade. 

Take me for what I am...human.

D~

I was asked this question tonight: “it doesn't bother You at all that I am so eager to engage in Your desires?”  My answer is as follows and I challenge you to find this in yourself, be you submissive or Dominant.

What I know is this...

I have been doing this, on both sides of the razor wire (vs. fence) for 14 years now, or there about...yes, as you well know it started off miserably for me…but I have grown. I have learned from every miserable thing I've ever encountered that NO ONE deserves to be mistreated or harmed.

I know that this is the most wonderful type of relationship * at least for me* no matter how much I love my husband I need more. I want more. I can't be happy without more.  To find more...I have to make sense. I have to have clarity. I have to be able to make my ward comfortable and at ease with not only my mindset but my abilities. I have to show him that I can and will love him like no other while still keeping dedication and loyalty to my husband. While still loving my husband like no other......

I have realized that to adequately give you what you deserve I must control MYSELF first. I must know what I I need; I must know myself.

I have to know what triggers me, good and bad...I have to know what makes me love and how I respond to my environmental factors. I have to know how to counter the responses of my ward appropriately.

Your eagerness to submit to me and everything I need and am...makes me realize, shows me that I have accomplished my goals in life.

I know that I am good at what I do. I know that anyone can trust his being in all his facets to ME....I am worthy of the best slave, the best sub, the best bottom. I know how to give to him what he needs while he fulfills me.

If I felt I didn't know you, if I felt you didn't know me, if I felt either of us had trepidation beyond the most menial....we would not be here today.  That's why I know your eagerness is right, is acceptable, is so damn amazing.

D~

Those of you who read my journals and comment back to me...I thank you.

My wonderful husband:  He gave to me a sense of peace, love and want I had not ever felt or seen.    Our union, of course, did not lead to the best M/s relationship ever...it did lead to a partnership where love, communication, dedication, and trust thrive.  This relationship taught me more than I can express in a simple journal (no matter how long winded I can be). 

Now on to present time.....

This wonderful husband gives me what I need to pursue a slave

D~

Sometimes that which we skim past is often exactly with what we should take the most time.

Stop and take a look.  Beauty abounds.


Where do I see beauty?  I see beauty in common bonds, undying love, telephone conversations that seem never to end, utter devotion, hearty laughs, breathy revelations, silly games, good books, complete trust...

D~

My husband....

I married him because he is the closest to perfect anyone can get for me and I for him.  I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for him and vice versa. 

My husband knows who I am, loves me for who I am, and supports me and my need for this lifestyle fully.  Never fear I am hiding or doing anything against his wishes or without his knowledge. 

D~

Emails requesting my attention, albeit flattering to some minor degree, are lacking when I know immediately you have not bothered to read my journal entries.  I have  pages and pages of entries...some fluff and fun *bypass those if you wish* others abound with substance and importance.  Skipping these emails will only lead to a response of "no thank you".

Tread carefully.

D~

"i like to be ur toilet"

I get the BEST emails, yes?  That would be so very tempting if say, oh, the indoor toilet had not been invented or if I was deserted on an island without a shovel.  Maybe if I was a toilet Domme.  No, wait...not even then.  Simply because I expect, nay want, nay DEMAND a well written note stating something useful and pertinant as to why one might choose to email me. 

Here's clue #3457B  Write a full sentence.

D~

Is everyone ready for the latest of the great emails?

"You are totally divine.  I would love to live under your domain.  No orgasms for me ever.  You'll hold the key to my chastity.  What shall I do for you my Mistress? I would love to grease up an enormous dildo, sit on it all the way and get ready for some serious ass fucking. Either your strap on or if the mood suits you, you can pimp my little ass out to the boys on the street. I'll be a good girl. I'll take it all in and swallow anything you offer. Perhaps when your "real" man is done servicing you, I can be your little cum slut and lick you clean of his man juice.  Mmmmm.  Slutty goodness."

What's so funny is when you read his profile it suggests he's timid!

What should he do for me?  Well, let's start with never emailing me again with such offensive material.

D~

When I am afforded the opportunity to say something nice to someone I take it.  There are some fans of my less than kind journal entries but for those of you who actually know me...I'm pretty damn wonderful as a rule and am a kind, firm Domme. 

I enjoy browsing profiles and I enjoy sending an email if something struck me.  I was struck earlier this evening by a fun profile of a submissive.  So, as per my usual, I sent a very basic email stating such.  He asked to chat so I said sure. 

In a very brief chat I learned that he didn't read my entire profile or journal and was "put off" by my husband.  My first thought was "why offer up your messenger to me then?"  But I went with it.  So after a minute or two he asked me a VERY intelligent question.  "What do you have to offer?"  he asked.

So I told him it was a good question and I was impressed.  He then suggested it was too tough to answer.  Quite the contrary I know what I offer and exactly how attractive I am.  I have done my own S.W.O.T. analysis and can easily break down where I am in the Domme food chain.

I believe before he read my answer to this question he just started typing and suggested with two kids and a husband I would never have time for him.

I was taken aback for about 15 seconds then I sent him on his merry way as, it is obvious his mind is set.  Why bother?

I'm waiting for early January to meet, in person, the lovely boy I met here a couple of weeks ago, but making friends was not even an option here, it seemed.  It was a strange happening and thought I'd share.

D~

And before you ask.....google S.W.O.T. analysis. *S* 

Oh my....do they even read anything I write or skip directly to the pictures?


"hi Maam! love your profile. i am kinky 26,m, from New York, slave-sub with a WEB CAM and pix. Lets talk /chat please yahoo me at ****** or write me back with your aol/msn user names , so i can im u on the messnger. thanks for your time bye"

cam AND pix....well now...what a lucky girl I am! hum. 

I continue to wait with patience for bradley.

D~

I strongly suggest you read my profile and ALL pages of my journal before making contact with me.  I will expect you to know a bit about me. 

My pictures, while enticing, are not all I am.  I have a thought in my head, an expectation of you, and a need for someone very specific.

Cock shots, and disparaging remarks about others get you nowhere with me.

D~

I am not a horny teenager who can't get laid.  I am not a sex starved older woman who is dying to find some hot stud to please me.  I am a happily married woman with a lovely life who wants to grow and become more. 

If you are not willing to put in the time it takes to get to know me; if you are not willing to put in the effort it takes to follow through with my simple requirements then move forward and past my profile. 

I want what I want when I want it.  No more no less.  your job is to fulfill those needs to the very best of your capabilities.  I don't ask for miracles, I don't ask for the impossible.  I ask for a gentleman who is willing to put in the time and effort. 

Simple, yes?

D~

The last few months I have been working with someone from collar me who is new to this particular part of the alternative lifestyle.  his desire to explore his submissive side has been a treat for me.  Watching him grow and feel excited is very much like watching the world through the eyes of a child.  Excitement, trepidation, eagerness abound with this gentleman. 

No matter who I collar, who I have living in my home this lovely boy will be with me.

he is a trusted friend, a lovely companion and a beautiful soul.  he is open and honest, fun and exciting.  I would miss him like no other were I to lose one moment of time I am fortunate enough to have.  

We move at a pace comfortable for him and beyond bothersome for me.  My ability and need to jump without much thought is hindered in this relationship.  That's probably good. *learning from a sub....*S* how dare he?*

In a perfect life, we'd have who we want when we want no matter what.  In this life we have to compromise and make allowances.  I know that, I respect that.  No need to impose guilt where it need not be imposed.  I love you and our sparse time, darlin boy.  We'll take it as we get it.

D~

I met a lovely boy for the first time Thursday.  We'll see if he pans out to be a beautiful submissive. 

D~

Two entries in one day I'm on a roll....

When I ask you to tell me about yourself I don't want to know if you have a "plump rear" or that you like to "give oral for hours".  I want to know about your interests, your aspirations, your work, who you are day to day in life.  It's about connecting with you.

D~

For a potential live in slave position…

I am first and foremost in need of a slave who will serve me in my home by keeping it neat and tidy.  He will attend to my needs such as fetching drinks and doing basic research. 

He will be loved and valued for who he is and the mind he uses but always knows his place.  He will be punished appropriately for wrongdoing.  This slave will be victim to my rope bondage and shibari.  He will also be victim to my sensory play.  That being defined as imagine this:  naked, bound, blindfolded; a long slow kiss, a thwack of my flogger to your thighs, a pinch to your nipples, caress of your abdomen, kiss, stroke of your cock, clothespins on your nipples....getting the idea?  Sensory Play.

He will be appropriate around my children and a friend to my husband.  He will continue to work.  Ideally I'd love it if he brought in enough money to allow me to work less, although that is not a requirement. 

I don't abuse my slaves, not mentally, not physically, not financially.  If I were to control your money, I would ensure it was used in a productive and beneficial way for all.  In my sensory play I do not harm.  Hurt?  oh yes, to your tolerance, but never harm.  I am not a harsh Domme when it comes to things like humiliation.  I don't want a sniveling pile in my corner that has no mind, feels useless and as if he's nothing.  That's counter productive to what I need from my slave.

As well I do not micromanage my slaves. If you want someone to decide if you eat cheerios or wheaties for breakfast, when you can pee, or if you vacuum the living room or hallway first then I am not for you.  Micromanaging in such a way is counter productive as you are supposed to make my life easier.  I expect my slaves to make basic, good decisions. 

That's a start, D~