New profile as of 06/24/09, updated mostly to keep it relevant.
I found a profile today/night (I haven't gone to sleep yet, thought it's technically morning) that suggested a wonderful way to explain profiles. A profile is a way for you to get to know me a little bit (more than all that stuff listed at the left), and for you to know what I'm looking for. In the spirit of this, I'm going to attempt to explain both:
I'm: A student Quirky Jobless, but searching (and hopeful!) An enterpreneur of sorts Emotionally UNstable, and not afraid to admit it (It's part of who I am) Financially dependant A family man (I'm very close with them) A boy, trapped in a man's body A woman, trapped in a man's body (it's complicated) Sexually insatiable Romantically insatiable Shy with new people Articulate to my own detriment in text (talk to much) Loving to friends and family each Searching (always searching) for someone to love Searching (always searching) for a man to love me Sexually inflexible (bottom. Period) Sexually experienced Sadistic Masochistic Mildly algolagniac A submissive... sorta Not really a dominant... at all Submissive in 'real life' too An intellectual A Musician A writer A nihilist A poet A blogger A gamer A complete and total nerd/geek
I once said of myself that I love like a liquid... it all rushes in and fills whatever space is there. What I need in a mate would be someone who loves like a cup; not only a receptacle for me, but also a mold, a loving protection that encases my own love, protecting and preserving it.
I'm looking for: a MAN An intellectual A dominant man (in a personality sense) A sadist A bit of an egotist A lover A fighter A protector Someone to be protected A thrill seeker (no day with me is ever the same) A nymphomaniac (in my wildest dreams...) A romantic Someone around my age (not too young or too old) A friend A teacher A student A cuddlebuddy A kisser Someone who knows himself (you may be unstable as me, but know yourself as I know myself and it doesn't matter a lick) Someone shorter than me A 'little spoon' A fellow spork A mate
Not all criteria need be filled (and if they were I'd be concerned!); I judge possible matches for relationships on three criteria (not including location, which I find to be an implicit agreement that you're close when trying to start one):
1) Mutual attraction - Do I find him sexy? Does he find me sexy? Is he someone that I would want to kiss for hours on end, or that I'd hide my face from? Do I really feel desired, or just the 'next best thing' until something better comes along? Are we sexually compatible?
2) Age - While age is just a number, it represents a number of issues of undefinable importance. Can I relate to him? Does he have the same culture of interest as I do? It affects these things and more.
3) Self-Knowledge - Does he know himself? Is he 'put together'? If not financially, why? If not emotionally, why? Does he have the capacity to love; does he know it? Is he comfortable within his own skin?
While these three criteria dictate my main decisions for relationships, 'hook-ups' (or casual sex) are decided based on a criteria of one... the first presented above; mutual attraction, and secondarily distance (I'm not really willing to go terribly far to get my rocks off, or even yours).
In a slightly more BDSM rout I consider myself a submissive.
"Ah, but why list yourself as switch," you ask, pointing to my profile.
It's simple. Despite being submissive, and a rather slutty masochist/algolagniac, I also have a very nasty sadistic streak which occasionally needs whetting. If there was any chance of not being able to fulfill those needs (even on another person, other than my normal partner) then things would not work out. Keep in mind, at no point do I consider myself a dominant... I'm simply inflicting pain on a willing participant.
An optimal BDSM relationship would be one not focused on BDSM or some dominant/submissive dynamic, but one where it was mildly implicit. I am a submissive personality by default; I like to please people, and I have a natural tendency to do as I'm told for those I see as authority or worth following. In this sense, I seek someone who would be the 'dominant match,' someone who is intelligent, naturally authoritative, who expects things to get done when he asks for them for no reason other than he asked for them to be done. In no way would it be a 'total power exchange' or even an explicit dicate of dynamic, however; it would, I hope, be occasionally brought into the bedroom with scenes, in addition to harder sensation/impact play.
I'm interested in learning about the dynamics of poly relationships, and even trying one, but I honestly have no clue about how I would respond in one. I've never proven a terribly jealous person, however; when I mention that I'm sexually insatiable I wasn't kidding. I will think that there's a problem (it's my nature) if we're not having sexual relations of some type once a day or more, within reason, once we have gotten to that point. I do not know how I would respond to the idea that a mate, or potential mate were seeking sex with someone *instead of* me (as opposed to *in addition* to me).
If my profile seems overly concerned with sex, it is because I, being young and (assumably) virile am also overly concerned with sex. At this stage of my life it is an important part of any romantic relationship and any healthy lifestyle. It is important to me and, while I don't mind staying exclusive to a single partner in a monogamous style relationship, I require open communication regarding it. It is on my mind, even when not aroused; chances are at any moment I'm asked, if I answer honestly my thoughts will be on some manner of sex.
Feel free to contact me, even if not looking at me as a potential mate. I really don't mind making new friends, and I am active on the boards as well.
7/12/2009 1:04:13 AM
I know that it's stupid to bitch...
but when I see main pictures (on the 'recent journals' page) that show LESS of the person than the picture *I'VE* wanted to post as my main picture does and the reason it's been rejected is because it's too close-up and there's not enough visible... I start to get kinda annoyed.
Also, may go crazy if I don't find someone to quell my urges with soon. Self flagellation and sucking hard candies only works for so long.
7/8/2009 8:24:18 PM
It's absolutely fabulous how my tastes in men have changed.
Just a random note. Wonder why I can't change my text color though o.O sorry it's unreadable?
On EDIT it let me change the colors :D Yay!
6/23/2009 7:09:48 PM
I NOW OWN A SEX STORE!!!
:D
granted, this means I won't be around for a while. The store needs a complete resort of the goods from over 120 categories into 6 easy categories. I carry almost 88000 products (YES that's the right amount of 0s) including some rather kinky stuff, so I'm sure I'll be pimping it out a bit, once I've finished sorting. If you simply can't wait, I AM open for orders NOW, but please email me here for the link; the site's still a bit rough and things are moving back and forth, but I can process your orders directly after you buy them, if we're online at the same time. I have probably the cheapest prices around (I'm only trying to make enough product to pay for hosting/domain name AND make a tiny profit).
Get at me :D
6/20/2009 10:47:25 PM
Occasionally I really hate having the equivalent of five lives that combine all into one.
1)Family/UltraPublic - This is the one that I live the least that, lately, I'm forced to be in the most.
2)OldFriends - I miss this... I still get to live it every now and then, but not that often.
3)SemiPublic - My life at my new college. I don't know if I like it or not... I'm erring on... not. It's a very lonely lot.
4)Online(Private) - Those places online where people who I don't know in real life are who I hang out with. Collarme fits in here.
5)Online(Public) - Those places online with a mix of those I know and those I don't.
It's like there are five mini-mes running around and they're all conflicting with each other. My favorite self? The Online Public, or the old friends... probably a mixture.
But I'm conflicted by some relationship stuff right now... namely, old relationship stuff. I hate not being able to help him, but I can't really help him. He doesn't want to help himself... or if he does, he won't actually do it.
And it just hurts. I still love him (in a non-romantic sense anymore, really)... and I *want* to help him and it hurts when I can't (or when he won't let me, or when he can't let me).
The killer? I know some things I could do that would... really... probably help him. But I just can't, and he wouldn't let me either, even if I could. It would look non-genuine, too, which I wouldn't be able to deal with.
I'm taking my friend's advice and divorcing myself from it, as much as I can. It's time to demand that I get something out of our interactions other than hurt... and at the same time I don't want him to stop talking to me. We'll see how it all turns out.
6/19/2009 10:22:59 PM
My past few days have been crazy, leaving little, to no, time for collarme.
Sorry to all of the one person who emailed me who's obviously a scammer :P
Also, Ohio Revised Code? Not reader-friendly *bangs head*
6/17/2009 10:51:09 PM
Oh my, I think I'm coming down with a bug :( Sneezes, clogged and drippy sinuses, er, digestive troubles, and headaches.
Hopefully it'll go away and not linger much longer. Today has been miserable because of it.
Then again, it could be because I didn't eat until after 5pm and had woken up at 6am. Healthiest diets in the world won't help if I'm not actually eating, I suppose.
Here's hoping on the job front, recently applied to a few jobs on campus (I had been looking exclusively close to home before) but I've yet to hear back from most (one was already filled). Also, attempting to buy an internet business which seems like an easy out for some basic money ($100 a month profits or so) and no real investment but time.
I'm tired. I should go to sleep! No ants tonight! That citrus spray really did some good :)
6/16/2009 10:19:38 PM
Definite con of living at home:
I know that, if I sent some sex toys that I want to buy here... it would be opened before I got to it...
-.-
Hopefully one or more of my friends will wake up and offer and I can buy this bundle I've seen. Been needing more toys, really... and by really I mean desperately.
T_T
Wish I knew now so that I could just sleep without worrying.
6/14/2009 12:22:06 AM
I wonder if the people at Collarme would be willing to be indulgent for a second and help me :)
Currently I've decided to set a goal for myself of 10 chapters in one book (writing) by the middle of august (when school starts again) but, in my oh-so-submissive nature, I need help *picking* which book to write in. I have it narrowed down to two...
On my other blog I'm running a poll, but I suppose I can just tally votes, here and include them there :)
Aravain Novels; High Fantasy - a 10-book series (not all the same protagonist and yes they're mapped out) the first of which follows the main character from young age to early adulthood as he grows up, attempting to avenge the death of his mother, as well as finding a 'divine spark' and various other plot hooks and devices for the later novels. Writing/story is very linear in nature, with heavy emphasis on character development and interaction.
Herron Novels; High to Mid Fantasy - A trilogy, these books do *not* have a happy ending (or beginning... or middle, really), but follow Herron from the day he wakes up to find his entire race slaughtered. The first book starts on that same day. Writing is very disjunct in nature, including brief interludes of journal-entries, flashbacks, and vignettes by other characters in addition to the main story. Focuses mainly on plot and story.
As you can see, two *very* different stories/novels. Anyone who cares to vote may send me a message :)
6/13/2009 5:16:52 PM
I'm incredibly bored, but disinterested with being serious on the forums right now... self moderation means that most of the topics I've been reading I've chosen NOT to respond to because it's been mostly off topic...
However, in response to the thread titled: "To Sub or not To Sub that is the question" I responded with this gem I'm particularly giggly over... you'll find it matches the original syllable count, if not the stressed vs unstressed quality :)
(To Sub or not To Sub that is the question) Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of vanilla living Or to take arms against a sea of subs/slaves And by opposing, find a new dominant
http://www.collarchat.com/m_2658157/tm.htm
6/11/2009 11:44:47 PM
Note: I'm not trying to be offensive to anyone, I'm just annoyed right now...
Ok, so I consider myself fairly gay. I've looked at vagina, even touched and played with it before and I find it, sadly, gross/disgusting/what have you. I don't find women attractive, at all, so when I'm browsing the 'recent journals' section occasionally I'll get disgusted with the advertisements.
This seems to be the only part of the site, in addition to the 'new journal entry' page that doesn't specifically tailor what's advertised as gay-specific that often. It shows straight (or lesbian) advertisements a majority of the time.
There's one that's particularly gross, to me, of a woman with cum all over her face, that flashes to another woman with cum all over her ass and vagina. Sorry, I don't need to see that. I don't *WANT* to see that, kinda kills any buzz or sexual desire I have for about an hour, and disgusts me. I don't know what it is, specifically, about seeing semen on women that's so much more gross than seeing graphic sexual acts (there are others that include penetration or oral), but it IS and I don't want it.
Blech.
6/10/2009 8:24:07 PM
I'm probably more 'desperate' for sexual contact lately than I've ever been before... and yet nothing is coming through. Nothing.
Guys keep flaking. Tried getting with one from here... stopped responding when we got to the 'so where?' part of the process, after even setting a time to meet and everything!
Since last Thursday I've had...8 guys who were promising flake on me. Some stopped talking to me mid-conversation/set-up... some didn't respond after the last "Ok, that's a good time, lets do it, where do you live?"
Even more were cheaters sneaking around behind wives/boyfriends/girlfriends.
My standards for hookups are very low (compared to some people). I must find you attractive. We must be sexually compatible.
(I'm a sort of weird submissive/roleplay funk right now where older guys are actually insanely hot to me, not the norm at all; I usually go for nerdy guys around my age, so the usual restriction of 'be around my age' has been lifted almost entirely. Gets some weirdos interested, though, that's for sure)
I hate being wank fodder, but don't know what to do. I just need some sexual contact to release right now, even better if it's with a very dominant man. I probably won't find it in Cleveland.
6/10/2009 10:45:49 AM
Story: Benny the Mechanic
"Looks like your engine's fucked, dude."
"No, no, no" I cried, banging my head on the top of the car. Benny was a friend of mine, I didn't know that he knew about cars but he said he could take a look under the hood for me if I brought it over. There'd been this weird 'whirr' sound coupled by an occasional bang and, really, I didn't think that was a good thing.
"Can you fix it? I don't have much money, but I could"
"You can pay me in something else" Benny said, looking around with a small flashlight. His voice was matter of fact, and I tried to think.
"With what?" I couldn't come up with any valuable skills to pay him with. I didn't really know anything mechanical, couldn't really do the landscaping (that he desperately needed), and my apartment was three times as messy as his house (and three times smaller to boot). I could... write him a poem? But how would that be payment?
"Well, lets see. I'd have to check, but the parts'll cost about $60, if I remember right... and it'll take me a couple of days of heavy work, a couple hours after work each one... if you can scrape together $35, though... I think we could arrange something." He closed the hood, wiping his gritty hands on the rag in his front pocket as he walked over to me. The smile on his face put me somewhat on edge.
"Like what? Installments?"
"Naw, I had something else in mind..." he said, close enough to touch me. He stroked my cheek with the back of his hand, brushing my pants with his other. "How 'bout... for every $10 I pay for parts, I get a chance to play a bit..." his eyes twinkled as I began to tent while he rubbed, "and for every hour I work, you get tasty treat?"
I gulped, face flushed and breath coming quickly.
"That... hardly seems like payment," I stammered, staring him straight in the eye, "what's in it for you?" I was cotton-mouthed less at his reply, and more at the actions accompanying it.
"I never said how it'd happen" he said gruffly, giving a sort of sneer as he pushed down on my shoulder, cupping my chin with the hand previously fondling me. "Think of this as a... security deposit."
There wasn't any doubt what he wanted, it practically smacked me in the face, despite being strained by his overalls and whatever he had on underneath. Instead of dry-mouthed, now I suddenly had an over-abundance of saliva... all of which I wanted directly on him.
"You're going to suck this" he said, grabbing my hand as I attempted to paw at him through his clothes, "but without using your hands, only your tongue, your mouth, MY hands on your head. Do you understand?"
I couldn't talk, my wide-eyed, longing stare with head bobbing yes was obviously enough. "Good little slut."
I kept my hands obediently at my sides while he undressed, slowly, teasing me with a small prod of the clothed little 'sir' on my cheek. First his overalls... then a pair of denim shorts, and finally the cotton boxer-briefs, black. The smell of him was thick, heady, and made my mind reel with desire as my mouth watered. He lowered the elastic slowly pulling his cock downward with it until it sprung free, making an audible slapping noise on his belly. It sat up at an angle, with a slight curve upward... and was nearly hard as a rock. A decent size, to be sure, but not so large that my jaw seized up in fear.
He slapped my face with it, my mouth open as I tried to find it, desperately, to taste. He laughed to watch me chase after it like a dog its own tail.
"You want this? You want this cock, slut?"
To say that my yes was breathless is not nearly detailed enough of a description. Before I knew it I was begging, god, BEGGING him to let me taste it, just taste it, to lick the head just for a minute, please, god I needed to taste it.
"One lick" he said, holding my chin in one hand, keeping me away from it, both of my hands on his hairy legs, clenching, pulling in vain to get him closer. "Just one, mind."
He let me go and... I don't know what came over me. I devoured him to the hilt, bobbing up and down while snaking my tongue back and forth. He quivered as he let me go just a few times before catching my chin again, holding me off. My lips tasted like pre-cum, and I could see it leaking, ever so slightly, from the tip.
"That's a bad slut..." he said, his own breath heavy, "I said one lick. I think you need a lesson." He pushed me and I fell onto my back, "Don't move." I held my position as best I could as he took the opportunity to step out of his various and sundry clothing items, the muscles on his legs making me stare. He had a tight back-side, with the type of ass that you just want, desperately, to bite, to kiss, to do unspeakable things with, but it was nothing to the glory of his cock. Getting a chance to really look at it, I felt a quench in my gut. I wanted him, like I wanted no other man before, almost ferally. I wanted him inside me. I wanted him to never be otherwise.
His shirt slid off to show a slight belly, and strong arms, his tan skin dusted lightly with hair. I felt another pang of longing.
"For that, I think," he said after a moment of consideration, "you won't get to cum. Strip, but stay on your back. I want to see your cock, see your ass. Don't you want to strip for me, you little slut?"
Again I heard my own voice, almost surprised as what came out of it. Yes sir, please let me be naked, please touch me, please use me... I slid my pants down with the underwear, kicking them off with my shoes. Standing at attention was my own straight and narrow, my trustworthy friend, practically gushing already.
"Someone's excited." And from nowhere something hit my chest, leather, heavy, many strips. The bite of the lash was surprising, even through my shirt; I hadn't seen him pick up the flogger... I couldn't even think straight enough to know where he got it from, or to notice the wall, where a blanket had been hung before, now bare, with various implements hung on pegs. He smiled, his voice low as he knelt and whispered in my ear. "Liked, that, didn't you slut?"
And to my surprise... I did. I wanted more... I wanted to feel him lashing me over and over again, but my voice failed me. Eyes wide and pleading, I just nodded.
"Suck it." was his only reply, hand holding the flogger pulling my face into his crotch as he fucked my face, grunting and moaning. The names he called me... I'm almost ashamed, but I was proud, each dirty name; slut, bitch, cum-whore; it was a badge of honor as I worked my lips around the shaft, my tongue slithering all over. After a while he didn't even need the hand behind my head... I had shifted my weight to support myself as I bobbed by myself, at times taking him deep into my throat, and at others working the head, sucking every sweet drop of pre-cum offered, taking in every thrust with thanks and worship.
As I sucked he began teasing with me, taking the tendrils of the flogger and trailing them on my skin, even tickling my own dick with the leather, which encouraged me faster, harder only him. He stopped speaking able only to grunt as he breathed fast.
"You little BITCH" he screamed as he exploded in my mouth, halfway down my throat. There was so much it leaked out the corner of my mouth. It tasted wonderful... thick, creamy, warm... it filled my mouth and set my head afloat. He didn't stop teasing me; eventually I could hear my own voice pleading with him, begging for release, to let me cum, to fuck me, I needed him inside me, that I couldn't stand it, I needed more of his cum, I wanted to taste it again, to drink every drop he could provide.
He laughed, and wordlessly wrapped his lips around my dick's head, whipping his tongue all over, sucking gently. I almost hated him at that moment, the gentleness was harsher than any hardness he could have provided. I begged further...
"Ok, slut, you've been good," was all I heard before he returned his head to my own, sucking and licking so thoroughly it made me cry out, practically cry.
"I'm... I going to"
At the precise moment he squeezed my balls, almost crushing them, and with the thrill of pain came the inescapable release of orgasm, cum splattering his chin and soaking my shirt. I whimpered as he went back down, sucking gently, taking every last drop I could provide, while alternately squeezing.
My world swam as his face appeared over mine.
"Good, good, I think I'll like this payment plan."
6/7/2009 8:45:54 PM
It's been a bit since my last entry...
Well, I've confirmed that I'm apparently a science genius. Yeah, this past week we learned the following things in my lab course:
A) How to use a microscope B) How to use the metric system (and conversion between it) C) What Celsius is D) The basic make-up of prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells E) How to create our own microscope slides
No. I'm not kidding. We learned stuff I learned in middle school. I just finished working on my second 'lab report' (in which I labeled diagrams of cells... seriously, that's it).
I'm so bored. I cannot find a job because no one wants to hire someone on a temporary basis (I can only work in this area till August, then I move back to school). I would just like a minimum wage job! Preferably 3rd shift type jobs (not that there's many around here) but I'm willing to do anything I'm physically able to!
Too bad the only jobs I've found are physical labor that require a degree of strength I just don't have. Says right on the descriptions "must be able to lift 50lbs alone, easily, to perform job functions" or something like that.
5/29/2009 9:29:03 AM
I get to try living a real hermit's modern lifestyle for a few days.
I'm alone in my parents' house! While I have some things to do out on the town (mostly making sure that our cars still work) I'm probably mostly just going to stay in and love it.
5/28/2009 5:20:13 PM
Really? I should just be a hermit. No phones, no emails, no job, just a small farm with a small orchard and enough livestock to sustain myself and themselves (you know, breeding).
5/25/2009 12:10:50 AM
hmm, seems I need to stop being so sure of myself.
5/24/2009 8:38:42 PM
No, no, no. This isn't right at all.
I'm feeling strange. Very... blue, to use a cliched term. Not really depressed, a little bit out-of-body, really.
I'm doubting my ability to find (a compatible) someone, anyone, who would be interested in a relationship who's remotely close. The local temperatures of those around my age in my area is very anti-relationship. Some guys don't "sleep around" or "hook up" but at the same time, don't want a relationship and DO have casual sex with friends. Some guys *ONLY* have anonymous sex.
The only people relationship-minded are much older than me (as in 10+ years and hence not compatible), or those who are sexually incompatible (and yes, to me that IS a big deal).
It seems hopeless sometimes. I suppose I'll keep plugging away at it, but I honest have started to think that I won't find someone till I leave the Cleveland area.
5/23/2009 3:55:30 PM
I'm home again! Much happier to be home, but also happy I got to go to Kentucky again, I haven't been there in a while.
MAN McKinney was awesome, too. I love those people, despite the whole southern baptist (and, hence, "Convertconvertconvert, accept Jesus!" message in the sermon at the funeral) thing. They're so *nice* and, really, I love the accents.
I wish I could keep the slight twang I get when I go down there for a while... I think it makes me much more desirable (and sound awesome in general).
5/19/2009 10:21:07 PM
My great aunt died so we're going to Kentucky tomorrow for the beginnings of services and such for her.
I'd only met her once... many years ago, when I was just a kid. I sort of remember her... I remember her hair more than anything. So it's not a huge loss to me. My father, though, actually asked me personally if I would come. He said it would mean a great deal to him, and he knew that having me there would be a very steadying force for my grandmother.
So... I'm going. My mother's griping that it would be way cheaper if I *didn't* go (my going necessitates purchasing a suit, boarding our pets, paying for an extra space in a hotel room, and of course general living stuff... all told over almost $1000 (you try being 6'7" and having them have suits that fit you. it doesn't work!)). We'll be staying until Saturday, and are driving down tomorrow.
It's going to be interesting. I've not met most of the people who will be there... ever. And a majority will be blood, too (cousins, "aunts", "uncles", etc.). The town is supposedly quite tiny, and the ceremonies will be at a baptist church/cemetery. It's going to be very lonely for me (the pagan gay trans-boy).
5/16/2009 9:12:46 PM
The semester is completely over! I'll have most of my grades in next week...
and I've moved back home for the summer D:
Hopefully it'll be productive, and I'll get some work at local schools.
5/15/2009 2:28:29 PM
Sometimes... just sometimes things across the fence are not only greener, but also more fertile, and darker (in other people's case, they'd want sunlight for happiness :P) and cooler, and it smells better too...
I'm so happy I'm here. I'm so happy I made the move. I'm just... it's been real wonderful.
5/14/2009 9:54:13 AM
One more final to gooooo.... Gotta do some more research on Gustav Holst; it's a presentation that I'm doing with someone else, he's doing most of the bio and I'm doing a lot of the overview on his various works.
I think I'm gonna nap for a while, though... then go to rehearsal. *_*
5/12/2009 12:07:55 AM
My ankle's too itchy to sleep. Damned sprain... at least it's healing?
Of course, my libido takes this opportunity to say "Hey... I'm still awake..."
5/11/2009 8:15:59 PM
Sexual desire is annoying. I'm starting to twitch from just thinking about one of my peers. I'll quote myself from a recent blog post (on another site where I post most of my sex-blogs). It's about a crush, but he's where my brain keeps going.
"Matt is such a cute boy... and he's got a quirky personality that I
really like, and his voice... dear GOD his voice! It's silky smooth,
low-baritone and just makes me melt. I've rooted it out as the main
cause of my crush. My first fantasy involving him was with me hooded so
that I was blinded, and my nose and ears were covered, but not my
mouth... he just talked to me... and his dirty talk... and... dear god
it's enough to make me need to catch my breath thinking about it. The
fantasies weren't even remotely sexual until relatively recently,
actually, until after I found out for sure that he was straight (and
has a girlfriend). Probably because I was crushing on him as
relationship material as much as him being desirable."
And my brain is taking that original fantasy a lot further... a hood and me on my knees, arms and legs bound and connected with rope in a way where it's forcing me to stay up... completely naked. I don't know whether or not he is, of course, until later...
I can see it in my brain... I'm not usually interested in being degraded for my sexuality... but at the same time all he does is call me a slut, a faggot, a fairy-boy... of course I want his cock, who doesn't, it's the pinnacle of manliness and all I want is a taste of a real man, maybe he'll give me a taste of it, etc.etc.etc.
It goes on and on, and just hearing it from his voice is enough to make my brain murky and my body quiver. It's probably one of the less kinky, kinky fantasies I've ever had. Nothing too extreme, just a hood and some bondage, maybe a bit of pain depending on if I'm mid-twinge...
...but mostly his voice. God, I've never really met a guy in person whose voice just makes me want to melt.
5/11/2009 12:16:42 PM
Too many dreams are lost to the ether by others. I couldn't imagine what life would be like if I didn't remember my dreams. Sometimes I wish I didn't, but they're little glimpses into myself, parts that even I don't see all the time.
Even the horrifying parts whisper secrets about me.
5/10/2009 2:31:35 AM
It's an elegant agony.
5/9/2009 10:59:57 AM
I have wonderfully tie-dyed shirts :) Very very happy I got to see some of my friends and act like a kid again!
5/6/2009 11:00:51 AM
I wish I could depend on my fellow students. listening to this recording I get so angry I want to hit him.
5/5/2009 1:12:19 PM
Well... at least today was better?
Oh wait... it wasn't. Right. Worse. Right.
5/4/2009 7:21:44 PM
*sigh* Photo denied.
There's no way for me to get a suitable picture without my face in it unless I get someone else to take it -.- Since there's no one around that I can get to take my picture I'm relegated to bathroom mirror shots... which, y'know, doesn't work (I'm guessing the problem is that it was improperly zoomed? It was just my chest and about half of my belly).
Oh well. Things keep rolling I guess.
5/4/2009 3:02:16 PM
Idle minds take pictures and then post them on collarme. Lets see how long it takes to get OKed or rejected. I've seen pictures with less body than mine... so we'll see.
5/4/2009 2:05:25 PM
I find my libido occasionally intolerable.
The more depressed I get, the hornier I get... the more I need a man, the more I just need/want to suck something. I get desperate not for affection... but for a man to use me as his fuck toy, to use me to get off.
I don't want or need tenderness in sex right now... what I need is violent, primal sex and then afterward... decompression; cuddling, kisses, nuzzling. I need to thank him, to sigh contentedly, to taste his skin to fall asleep with him there... something.
5/4/2009 1:06:01 PM
This is probably just the, y'know, depression in me... but I hate the world right now.
5/4/2009 8:55:50 AM
Confessions of a Masochist and Algolagniac:
Oh my goodness.
I sprained my ankle yesterday at the audition... and, quite honestly, got so amazingly aroused I thought my pants would rip (which, y'know, I've done before. It may not be big, but I've got a powerful pecker) and actually *orgasmed* from the radiating sensations. A full-on pain orgasm O.O it was... really nice. Long over-due at least, since my last.
Now I'm trying to stay off of it and all that, using crutches because, nice though it is to have instant relief of the Twinge (mentioned in a previous entry) I *do* want it to heal well. Still have to go to classes and such (last two weeks! YIKES!) but I'm gonna try to take it easy.
EDIT: I don't know why my old color is the only thing that sticks... Updated color to make it readable.
5/2/2009 9:05:14 PM
I'm finding it hard not to let my mood affect my typing, so I'll keep this brief.
Young gay culture can, at times, disgust me. The jokes been made, in the past, that I trail rainbows and any number of things, but I can't hold a *candle* to some of these guys.
(this part is a rant at 'them' so please don't take it personally)
Seriously? I don't care if you're "being yourself" because it's offensive to me. YOU'RE the reason people want to *fire* me for being gay, YOU'RE the reason people find it so easy to hate us and discriminate against us. And no, I refuse to believe that this is 'how you are' normally, because it's such a HUGE act, and I can *tell*.
It's in those moments of hesitation where your eyes flicker upward before you start walking, making sure to sway your ass and over-step like a runway model; in that moment you let your voice slip and it's an octave below where you're *pitching* it normally (which, for someone trained to hear it, it's *easy* to tell). It's in the way that, when you think no one's looking you're not moving your wrists as though the tendons were disconnected.
I hate that you cater to the stereotype to fit in. You make people like me (BIG, geeky, grungy, shy, and mostly drama-free) feel like maybe we're a mistake, and some sort of aberration, despite knowing ourselves much better than you obviously do. I've seen it before... someone 'discovers' that he's gay... and suddenly he's completely different! His voice is higher, and much more effeminate, his manner is ridiculous... he's no longer the same person.
He *may* be 'more' himself, but if he's nothing like who he was before, he hasn't reached it quite yet.
Most of all, I have YOU to thank for making my prom *miserable* for me.
(end rant)
To young gay men who are just *normal* not exist anymore? Am I performing a completely useless search when I search for someone who's like me around my age? Sometimes these men make me think so.
5/1/2009 5:46:53 PM
It's Friday, and finally the end of my day...
I'm happy that it's the weekend, but I don't really have reason to be. This weekend will be a special kind of hell! A lot of 'hurry up and wait' type of work to get done. My dinner date with friends today got canceled because most of THEM canceled and couldn't come due to forgotten commitments. So I canceled the whole thing, since I didn't have a way to get there anymore.
So I'm spending Friday night relaxing. I really should be writing some more on one of my papers, but I need to keep my head clear, I think. Kind of sad that I didn't really get to celebrate my birthday... but when I think of the past couple of birthdays; well, I celebrated this one more than others.
Still... I feel younger than 21, really. I guess that's how it goes sometimes.
I'm sitting here, though, thinking about the future, about the past. I've come to the conclusion that I hate this future-obsessed society. We've always got to squirrel away money for the future, we've got to get an education for the future, we've got to break our backs now so that, in the future, we'll be able to rest. We've got to work now to vacation later.
Note: I don't have any good alternative (after all, an orgy of sex, food, love, and many other things would rarely, if ever, be a good thing for a long duration). I'm just explaining that I have a distaste for this focus on our lives.
It was pointed out that my general philosophy on life is very nihilistic, but I'd like to think that it's slightly less morbid. Semantics aside, I don't advocate waiting (in any sense) for death... on the contrary, there's an essence of fancy; to live for the now since the future doesn't matter.
Unfortunately having a philosophy and living it are two very, very different things. One, when living in society, is forced to act within society's boundaries. It's wonderful to fantasize about it, but not very productive.
4/28/2009 11:39:08 PM
"To sleep: perchance to dream..."
Ahh, Shakespeare... who said that you were dead? That your words can be taken so boldly out of context, yet retain such deep meaning *that* is the true essence of 'legacy,' eternity; of immortality.
These words conjure up, for me, the entirety of the soliloquy... and I've only seen it performed on its own merit, as a vignette, a monologue. I've yet to have the chance to see Hamlet in its entirety. I wait patiently for that day.
EDIT: From here for those who'd like to read: http://www.shakespeare-online.com/plays/hamlet_3_1.html
HAMLET
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
65
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
70
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
75
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
80
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
85
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
90
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
95
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.
4/28/2009 10:58:37 PM
So slow the sands of the hourglass as they tumble lazily to the bottom, intent on stretching time to its limits and beyond. What seemed a lifetime was less than a second; an hour somehow two; a minute a complex combination of seconds and microseconds it would take a computer to dissect and display the right period.
When loved these times are both halved and exponential, at once so slow, so agonizingly sweet you think it will never end, yet so fast you can barely remember a second ago, despite paying the utmost attention. There are no middles, only extremes, contradictory in and of themselves, so that there's no consistencies, either. There's no solace in the consistency of inconsistency because, paradox though it is, sometimes it hides its nature and deceives.
Memories, even the harshest, grow sweet with time. While most things weaken over time (iron rusts, age debilitates) they grow stronger, a steely frame that gradually boxes in the good, while covering up the bad, like so many poorly-taken shots from a myspace 'photographer's "digital cam." You remember the wonderful, the heart racing as he said your name, as he held you, as he whispered an obscenity in your ear, in public, before nipping playfully.
Most of all you remember what you miss. Those things you'd have back, if you could; ignorant, once more, on the dross that completes the deal, those things that broke it once before. You'd do anything, *anything* for that feeling again. Maybe not with that man, but with someone, anyone.
You begin to reek of desperation, and your worried friends will tell you so, but you continue blithely forward, unable to comprehend that while time is almost stopped for you the world is moving onward, faster than ever before at a breakneck pace that, if you don't keep up, will leave you truly... lost, broken, alone.
In your shortsighted fervor you begin to not care, to grow accustomed to callousness to repel those around you. You watch them, listen when they think you're otherwise engaged, and modify yourself, and your behavior... you make yourself repugnant, someone they cannot fathom liking, let alone a possible friend. You bitch and moan that you have no friends, that your personality just doesn't "mesh" with others, when really it isn't your personality, but your cognitive acting; it's a persona you've created specifically to discourage yourself, to make your life more difficult to live, just to see if you can do it.
And when you find you can, and there are others, a very small few who saw through the charade, who could sense the real you, or who felt an instant draw despite your best attempts... what do you do? Do you tear off the mask to tell the rest "surprise! See what you have missed?" Or do you phase it out gradually and watch, amazed as they begin to flock to you, as they did before with different faces, in different places? What if you liked who you were pretending to be more than who you are?
Why? Who? What (if)? These questions, and their derivatives, haunt us all.
And, in the end, the world boils back down to that single grain of sand, still midway in its careless descent; as it hits the bottom... who will care? Who will remember longer than their own grain hitting the same mound?
4/28/2009 8:14:16 PM
Argh. Can't think.
Not really conducive to homework, especially when my assignment is to find the prime row in one of the movements of Webern's Piano Variations. >,< It's as much math as it is music.
Plus... it's one hour until my birthday is over... while I've had a hug (thanks to my mother and one of our friends who came to the concert) I've not had any other sort of physical contact. No one's scritched (a mixture of scratching and petting) my head, kissed me on the cheek/forehead/lips or otherwise wished me a happy birthday... except for online (my friends from my old college).
It's hard not to feel defeated, sometimes. I see others who are close to someone (or at least have someone who's close to them), or even those that are together and it's like a pang of... not quite guilt, not quite hurt... just a pang, really. I *want* that, even something superficial, something that's light and with someone who's lonely so that we can be mutually lonely together... it would still be nice.
To hear a man say "happy birthday" with a kiss on my cheek... that would be the ultimate gift.
Keep dreaming... keep wishing... most of all, keep looking.
4/28/2009 7:59:47 AM
Happy birthday to me :3 Updated my profile X3
On the morning of my 22nd birthday... I woke up because so many people were texting me I couldn't sleep in XD simultaneously awesome, and exasperating!
On the agenda for today: Class from 12 to 2:30 Dress rehearsal from 3 to 6 Official call at 7 Performance at 7:30 (Haydn's Creation... I'm one of the people in the choir :3 it's gonna be awesome) Finish between 8:45 and 9 HOMEWORK until about 2am Bed time about 2:30.
4/26/2009 9:58:13 AM
I had a bit of a revelation last night.
What I need is a man who is fulfilled (sexually) by having someone need his body, someone who craves it... someone who will beg every time to even just be able to touch it, who will become addicted to his touch. That's me, and it's such a huge part of me too.
Regardless of love it's important to me already... but when I start to love someone they become (sexually speaking) all I can think about. My fantasies turn to trying to one-up myself, and give them a better experience that I ever have, or than they've ever felt. It doesn't take much to get this going, too...
...and thinking on it I AM attracted to these types of men, as surely as I'm attracted to those like me. The only foreseeable problem is that I'm much more surrounded by those like me because it's the social circle I tend to spend time with, it's the people I *LIKE* spending time with who actually like spending time with me (I'm somewhat of a strong personality, if you didn't catch onto that yet).
I think it may also be a product of age... I'm not looking for a partner who's terribly older or younger than me, and I'm still young when it comes to finding that mythical 'rest of your life' person... I think that many people have some growing up to do, still.
So I may not be doomed... but I do have it a little harder. That I can deal with :)
4/26/2009 12:03:51 AM
I'm still awake at 3am, and unable to sleep...
and I am *dreadfully* bored!
Almost everyone I know is asleep... and I really have no inspiration to write, and I'm having difficulty with doing my homework (I have to analyze a Berg piece)... I think I may have to be drunk in order to understand what I need to do. So I'm doing nothing. Pressing refresh repeatedly on a few of my sites, trying to pass the time.
I can't practice for my audition because I need to keep my voice fresh for all of our rehearsals for the Tuesday concert (We're singing Haydn's Creation with 3 soloists and the orchestra... the whole damned thing O.O)... which also happens to be my birthday.
I'm amazed that at 8:32am on Tuesday I'll have lived a complete 21 years, and will be embarking on my 22nd! 22 years old... you only get a fun number like that once every 11 years.
I wonder if it'll be better than year 21?
4/25/2009 10:17:54 PM
(Apologies if you're seeing this a second time, I couldn't get image tags to work right, so I needed to edit it :) Unfortunately some weird formatting as ensued; I have a feeling that CM uses a rich-text editor with most of the options invisible, making it impossible for me to fix everything (I'd much rather have plain-text!) Please follow the links if your interested)
So in my
boredom I've been playing around on www.CollarFactory.com
For anyone not in the know, this is an absolutely wonderful site if you're
looking to create a custom collar or cuffs :) So I'm playing around with ones
that I'd like
This is my first attempt at a collar that I'd like to wear... the stats I chose
were:
double-strap->Normal Buckle->2inch wide->20inch long->Royal Blue
leather top->Black Leather bottom->Electric Blue Lambskin
lining->electric blue stitching->3 center rings
I like this collar very much :3 unfortunately it costs almost $50 on its own!
Dropping the lining brings it to just short of $35... if I ever bought one for
myself, this would be it!
Then I decided to play around with some single straps, and this was my favorite
concoction:
Sky Blue Leather->Ladybug faux fur->Red Stitching->one center ring
and it's just over $35 on its own... adding the spikes it's more than $56,
so I likely wouldn't do that if I ever bought it.
Then I started playing around with cuffs... and decided I would really only
want double strapped cuffs, but if I could make 'matching pairs' to those
collars above... I'd do something like this (respectively):
Same Pricings and everything but colors (to match the collar)... I
popped out the top one with a slightly brighter color :)
Then I decided to play around with sets for cuffs... you know,
opposites to create a matched pair, that sort of thing... I decided the
following was my favorite pair:
Same length and widths with black hardware->Blue Leather (top
strap)->Black Leather (bottom strapped) lined with purple lambskin->Black
faux fur lining->Pink Stitching->Black Ring
$44.79 for one... $35.86 without the black faux fur
Pretty much just switch colors/linings... $45.86 with faux fur
lining, $36.94 without..
This was fun and random :D
4/25/2009 4:33:41 PM
Well hot damn, I have my first scam email!
I really feel like I belong now 8P
4/25/2009 4:02:26 PM
I've come to the conclusion that I may be quite unlucky when it comes to sex and finding a relationship.
While my viewpoints/desires on sex are very capable for things like one-night-stands, they're hardly a good basis for a loving, caring relationship. Essentially I'm screwed (in the not-so-fun fashion) in finding what I want for a relationship, versus what I want sexually.
There's the usual delineations among the gay community... 'bottom' 'top' 'versatile' or similar, and I do fall firmly into the 'bottom' category. The problem here springs up in that... I don't enjoy receiving pleasure, usually. There's only been once in my entire sexual experience that someone *else* has managed give me an orgasm through direct stimulation... and it was a long, and very aggravating experience (though at the time I loved him for the dedication).
Part of the problem is that I just don't "get off" easily. I find oral sex more uncomfortable than pleasurable, and the feeling of someone else's hand, while novel, is usually too rough, or more often too light to provide PLEASURABLE stimulation. I get more pleasure from penetration than I do direct stimulation. While I always appreciate the effort (and it would be wrong to say that I don't enjoy it), it's nothing that'll 'do the job' as it were.
Tied into that conundrum is that I feel like I'm a failure when my partner cannot reach their goal. It feels as though, despite my attempts otherwise, I'm being contrary and downright mean. It's been my experience that THEY feel like a failure as well, in response, for not being able to prove their "manliness".
So I don't like going there. I don't mind some stimulation in the course of things... but, really, I DON'T want to have any sort of specific focus on my orgasm or my pleasure for very long in any sexual encounter.
Unfortunately this doesn't lend itself well to the type of relationship I want. In a relationship (BDSM inclusive or otherwise) I want a mutual companionship and partnership, a bond based on love and caring. Regardless of inclusion of WIITWD I need a partner who's more dominant than I am, someone who can, and will take the lead, and understand that, a majority of the time, I will defer to them. Not through any need for subservience, but because that's who I am. I like doing as I'm told, I like being given instructions, and most of all I like knowing that, at the very least, there will be someone around who's willing to take control if I need it taken. At the same time, I'll take the lead in other areas of our partnership.
This leads to a gaping chasm, however, between reality and fantasy. The type of men that I fall for... ARE generally the type to whom it would be important to pleasure their partner. They're very much like myself. It's either a failing on my romantic attractions or a misfiring in my brain between what fulfils me in a relationship, versus what I'm attracted to.
It's something to think about, at the very least.
4/24/2009 11:40:53 PM
It's days like today that really confuse me about the way the world works. Expecting something.... and nothing turns out that way.
I had disturbing dreams after a long bout of insomnia (I tried going to bed around 3:30am, but did not actually get to sleep until sometime after 7am, with tossing and turning and general need to MOVE) I finally fell asleep, then woke up at 8:10am for class... and decided not to go.
My dreams revolved around being tied to a table and having an anonymous someone carve some strange symbols into me. it was oddly erotic, mostly a nightmare.
So I went back to bed at 8:15 and slept until about 10:30am. These dreams were slightly calmer, but still strange. One of my best friends took me to a bar where she introduced me to a (non-alcoholic) drink that was purple, but tasted like lemonade. I don't know what the point of this dream was.
So I woke up and went to class after that.
Today was long, frequented by tons of day-dreaming about my male peers during the two classes I ended up having/attending... as well as being assigned to work with one who I previously had a crush on...
Then I came back to my room and... BOOM, my libido exploded... moreso than before >.<
I entertained the idea of putting another advertisement on craigslist or responding to one, but voted against it because it seems there's some convention (CLAW, something about leather) which has made some of the stranger people come out of the woodwork again.
More power to you if you're interested in bodily fluids other than ejaculate... I'm really not. I'm not interested in drinking your urine, or having mine drunk, and neither am I interested in *seeing* your fecal matter, let alone anything else. That's just me. It's just great that you like 'licking azz' or having yours 'worked over' but, uh, that's not something remotely interesting to me :P It reminds me of this one time I met a guy and he didn't even bring it up, just thought it was a given, and then he got pissy when I wouldn't! Then another who forced his ass in my face >.<
So I get really annoyed with non-specificity, now, and with the 'pick of the litter' here in Cleveland, that means a craigslist ad is like putting myself on fire (on purpose). Even the GOOD choices/experiences don't specify what they want to do. It pisses me off to no end!
"Lets see where it goes!"
I'm sorry, I don't WANT to see where it goes! I want to KNOW where it WILL go, first. I'm not crazy and will hold you what you said, however I need some idea of what you want. I don't mind if it goes further, for instance, than oral if that's all that was 'negotiated' BUT I want to at least be sure that we'll be doing oral! I want to know that I'm not wasting my time setting up a 'sex date' with you when there won't be any sexual contact!
"Specificity is the soul of all good communication" as the Middleman said (yes, I'm a freaking geek). I *HATE* not knowing at least part of what's going on.
Well, that was a tangent.
Anyway, I decided not to. Now it's 2:35am and I'm trying to think, desperately, of any way to relieve myself of these desires. I'm mid-twinge and so absolutely over-sexual it's starting to be a detriment. The problem is that masturbation does nothing save tire me out... what I'm "horny" for is getting someone else off... getting myself off only makes me want a partner more.
Blech, I'm not making sense XD I'm gonna go play some mindless games.
4/23/2009 8:49:20 PM
I'm always amazed at my colleagues, and their musical tastes... but I rarely stop to think about my own tastes, and how mine interact with how I see theirs.
I have a strange infatuation with modern showtunes. Currently I'm absolutely entranced by the music from the broadway version of The Little Mermaid (Especially "If Only (Quartet)" But more on that later). Past favorites include Reefer Madness, Legally Blonde, Wicked, Avenue Q and Little Shop of Horrors among others. Most of the day I'm listening to these same shows over and over on a playlist while I walk around when I'm on my own, heading to class, back to my room... wherever. When I get involved in a musical I also fall in love with the music from it, too... some of those pasts include The Secret Garden, Footloose, Beauty and the Beast, among a couple others. My favorite songs are interesting, too...
I tend to gravitate to the 'dirtier' songs, those that are sad, angry, a darker emotion... but even moreso quartets... songs that utilize four soloists and do so in such a way that they each have their own melody that weaves with the other singers to create a tapestry, almost in a contrapunctal manner. That complexity is something that just sends thrills down my spine! A good study in similarity is the song I mentioned earlier, "If Only (Quartet)" from The Little Mermaid. Each of the characters (King Triton, Ariel, Sebastian, and the Prince) are all lamenting about something, and have a shared melody that they each alter in just a small manner while weaving it back and forth. Of course, I like the composer in general, so that may be a bias, but it really is quite beautiful.
When not listening to showtunes, you can almost BET that I'm listening to one of my favorite Emo bands, or songs with that particular flare from non-emo bands. Currently I'm addicted to The Spill Canvas, but in the past I've been thrilled by Hawthorne Heights, Evanescence, Paramore, Three Days Grace, and more. I like very lyrical, more than heavily rhythmic or loud, music... the type that will just make me cry my brains out. "Connect the Dots" by The Spill Canvas is my current obsession in this realm... I think it's just about one of the most romantic songs in the world.
I don't really listen to much else on my own. I used to love country and, if I have no way of inputing my own music onto the stereo, I'll still put it on to drive to, but really the extent of my musical influence beyond classical are these two genres.
It's an interesting dichotomy.
4/21/2009 11:04:57 PM
EDIT: Apologies to those reading on the Recent Journals tab... for some reason this is showing up as black text on a dark blue background :( I'll try playing around with it.
Oh my BDSM porn is silly XD No wonder I haven't cracked that particular folder open in a while.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I have rape fantasies and things like that, same as the next sub, but when they 'tie' them up in 'restraints' that I giggle because all it takes to get out of it would be a quick wiggle? And then they'll go and do/use things that *aren't* fake or showy (that I know from experience) such as nipple clamps and I'm like, "why fake the restraints, but not the actual stuff?" Well... that's just silly.
Then again, I also find the humiliation aspects hilarious. I'm not really deep into humiliation myself. A little degrading, a little sluttiness, but nothing too over-the-top when I'm involved because... well, I'll laugh :P Or I'll take it personally.
I'm more of the 'You want this? Then you'll have to work for it' brand of BDSM, really, with a combat of wills included. I like an actual 'struggle' of power that I know I'll loose eventually. Half the fun is being a cheeky bastard, for me, but in the end knowing that I've pleased someone.
That's about the only thing I really get out of sex, either. There's the good ole' O but that's unimportant and uninteresting for me. Whether or not I orgasm is inconsequential to me... I just don't care! I get 'trantric' (theoretical in that I'm not actually attempting to get them, but they've always been the same as when I am) orgasms from it, at least, pretty much just from being *with* a partner, with very little stimulation. The majority of the pleasure really is wrapped up in his.
Mostly I miss *any* connection with a human being. But that's a product of extreme business, and no prospects, really. I haven't dated anyone since before I started at my new school, and even then it wasn't a real date... it was more of a thinly veiled excuse. And, honestly, if I had to choose between having sex once a day while unemployed and not in school, and being in school... hmm, actually I'd probably choose the former... >.> I'm hyper-sexual, really. It's kind of a curse (maybe a gift, but I've yet to experience it as such).
I'm in a funny mood, it's 2:02am here :P and I had too little sleep last night. I should hop in bed.
Cheers!
4/20/2009 8:40:52 PM
I suppose here people might understand more than on my blogs.
Every now and then I fall into what I call 'twinges,' these moods characterized by near desperation for sensations of pain, pleasure, an intermingling of the two. I'm irrational during them, so I typically try to retract back into myself away from situations that might prove unseemly by hindsight.
It's so hard to characterize for those who don't know what it's like to *want* pain. I liken it to being suffocated by a pillow... you scratch and claw for just a smidgen of air to keep going, even if it is an involuntary reaction. In the same way I'll crave cruelty, I'll do anything to experience that little bit of pain, even cause it myself if I have to.
Explaining why that's not really adequate usually requires another simile; in the same way that masturbation is not as fulfilling as having sex with a partner, there's little lasting satisfaction (and sometimes greater frustration) in 'taking care of' myself.
I have such a strange relationship with pain. Love-hate, really... love the sensations, but hate that it really does rule me at times. It's not 'pain' in the traditional manner that people experience I guess; there's an overwhelming thrill that I really can't explain without being crude (or using a metaphor that only men would understand in any certainty).
It's much more important to me, to be honest, than having any sort of dominance/submission type of structure to a relationship. While that's important too, it's secondary because that can be found elsewhere in life, to be honest.
Essentially I want a partner who's my equal, but whose personality is a foil to mine, a strong man, and a dominant personality who I can depend on and who takes the initiative, who makes decisions based on the both of us, FOR the both of us... but *does* ask my input, *does* know that we're equals *doesn't* mind giving me things to do but that doesn't want to micromanage my every action.
I want a team, a partnership, but I want him to take the lead.
I do believe I'm starting to think in circles, so I'll go off to do something else. :)
4/20/2009 5:47:22 PM
Sometimes the world is a confusing place... and that's good.
There's something to be said for the satisfaction of proving that you are stronger that you've believed yourself to be in the past, even if that disbelief was little more than a flicker of a doubt.
I'm in one of those moods where I'm just very proud of who I am, what I've done, and how much I've accomplished, even if there's no end goal or benefit to any of it... I've still done it, and *that* my friends, is amazing.
At less than 22 I've been to four continents (technically five), explored six foreign countries, performed in premier works and once-in-a-lifetime venues. I've proven myself to be an excellent horn player, as well as generic writer (despite not being officially published). I've dedicated myself with the rites twice; I've accomplished quite a bit!
In eight days I'll be 22.
*TWENTY TWO*! That's an amazing thing, to me. Gosh.
4/19/2009 7:53:56 PM
Well now, that's interesting XD
I didn't know about the term Algolagnia.
That pretty much sums up my relationship with pain... with the word masochism attached.
So I'm a sadistic, masochistic Algolagniac XD. These overshadow my submissive tendencies, though. Interesting.
4/19/2009 4:28:15 PM
Dreams and their motivations are so very strange.
Last night I dreamt that I went with a person I've never technically met (an internet friend from Colorado) to a sex store, but on the way we got lost and ended up driving so far we left Cleveland and hit Parma, somehow, where we visited a circus instead. Whilst there my old conductor (a tall, wiry man in his late fifties/early sixties I believe) did a trapieze routine that was particularly amazing... but of real note was a contortionist routine by a boy I've had a sorta-crush on for a couple years now (who was also at the dance last night). Very strange.
4/18/2009 9:11:34 PM
On a humorous note:
I was walking back into my building after a long night at the dance (it was fun, but not as good as it's been in the past) and a bus ride and the attendant at the desk asked...
"Is that a whip that you're carrying?" (I took my riding crop, which has a leather rose for the tip, with me to the dance) "It's a riding crop actually." "Why do you have a riding crop?" "*stutters for a second* Why do you *think* I would have a crop?"
and walked on as her eyes turned to dinner plates. It was a nice ending to a very confusing day.
4/18/2009 3:31:56 PM
I'm thinking about things right now, and really, just mellow about life in general.
I'm leaving for the equivalent of the Gay Prom for my old university in a couple minutes, and was reading through some of the new journals from others... and decided that it would be kinda cool to write something here (I absolutely love the new feature).
Thinking on it, I've been 'single' technically for a little over a year, now. It's somewhat strange; I remember being 'in love' and not remembering what it was like to be single after a while. It was one of the most invigorating experiences in my life...
...but I've forgotten it. Well, a lot of it, not all. There's something to be said for forgetting, it heals the sores. I still love the boy (heaven knows) but it's not romantic, more like echos or the last ripples in a pond. The imprint... the same imprint I've had from my only other 'love' relationship, too.
I've changed a lot, as well, but I've gotten to know myself much better, taken deep looks at who I am, at the parts that make me up. I'm a lot more 'sure' of myself, of who I want to be... which is, oddly, almost exactly who I am.
The following list is everything that I'd change to become this 'mythical me' that will haunt me forever:
Employed - I'm still looking for a job. None of my prospects are good :( no one will hire me (who needs a 21 year old college student whose classes you have to work around when you can have an otherwise unemployed 'real adult'?)
In a loving relationship - This is the tricky part. I'm working on it, but it's not really a self-done activity :P I don't need a relationship to define myself, or even one to 'survive' but... it really *does* change things, and it changes me. It's one of the reasons I'm here, for instance.
More SM time - T_T I've sadly gotten very, very little sadomasochism urges worked out lately. Causing pain on myself will *sometimes* help, but won't relieve the sadistic urges; and sometimes I really just need someone else to just whip/lash me until I can't remember English. It's a pretty big part of me, and I become noticeably bothered during what I call a 'twinge,' a period of such immense and deep desire for cruelty... or to cause someone pain.
Well, I'm off to the Ball. Here's hoping I get to see all of my old friends :D
