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I added the following to the Urban Dictionary today.
nutjobocracy
Noun: The class of people in positions of power who have completely
delusional ideas about the political system in this country, make
claims that completely contradict the claims they made last week, and
think the rest of us want to hear them.
"Rush Limbaugh decided to spread his delusions to the members of the nutjobocracy who listen to him."
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Home tonight after "mugging" a class today. 5 hours each class, for 4 days in a row. I recognize these feelings I have, I describe my mental state as a fog.
I will toddle around my house tonight, awash in endorphins and adrenalin/cortisol, until I fall asleep early. I imagine this may be similar to what submissives feel, although I am only really comfortable doing it to myself.
Human physiology can be a wonderful thing.
What always attracts me to this lifestyle is the fact that I have the power to bring this pleasure to my partner. To leave her soft and happy and lovely.
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After almost 21 months on disability from a crushed left ulnar nerve, I am back at work at both jobs and working to get back into the groove.
I love to work, not so much for the pay (not that I mind being paid) but because I go home at night with a sense of accomplishment.
That said, I broke my pinky bone teaching a kid's class on Sunday, and I am amused that once again (as a self defense instructor) I have been damaged by the t-shirt of a 6 year old.
I thought there would be a level of training where I would become invincible.
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I wrote the following a few months ago in regards to a question about "breaking a submissive" and thought it deserved to be repeated here.
"From
what I have read the urge to Dominate or submit is an inbred behavior
in the human animal, which is established in a person's limbic system
at a very basic level. It seems to me that a person would have urges in
either direction (or both) and conditioning would simply strengthen
that primal imperative. The problem I have with conditioning using a heightened adrenalin response over a long period of time (Stockholm Syndrome) comes from my
professional understanding of adrenalin. Natural selection determined
long ago that the human brain and higher levels of cognition were not
important in fight/flight/freeze situations. Accordingly, the one under
adrenalin loses their ability to process their thoughts. Breaking a
girl is simply turning off her higher level reasoning and imprinting
something else on her limbic system. There is a level of hubris in the
idea that person A can know how to remake person B into something they
are not.
It goes back to the tabula rasa concepts in
education; everybody is different, and a smart, educated, and powerful
submissive is simply amazing and the fact that she is submissive to me
is wonderful. I dont see a submissive as something that is blank and
needs to have something written on it.
I am not sure that
breaking a girl vs. naturally submissive are two halves of a dichotomy,
however. I think it is possible to be "broken" as a natural submissive,
which doesnt make her more of a submissive."
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Just got done at my doctors, and discovered I may need another surgery. The nerve may have scar tissue that needs to be removed. Just when I was sick of being off work, I get this news.
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I was looking over my profile and realized one of my pictures requires a bit of explanation. The picture of the outhouse in front of the electrical field was taken at a military base. If you look closely, you will notice that it appears the outhouse has a television satellite dish on it. Your tax dollars keeping us safe!
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I drove down to San Diego to the BDSM social. I met a number of delightful individuals there and had a great time.
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I got permission from my doctor and physical therapist to start dancing again. Dancing last night, danced tonight, probably go dancing again tomorrow night... Seeking that transcendant place with my partner that she and I can only get to together.
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When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang
on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts
sometimes.
Everybody hurts
R.E.M.
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The surgery was a success...
14-16 weeks for the elbow to heal. 9-12 months for the nerve to heal.
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My doctor told me last week that the Ulnar nerve in my left arm is in the process of dying. He indicated that without surgery, I may not have much use in my left hand. So I was able to finagle the money to pay for it and I get my surgery next Friday. While it would be nice to wait until the court decides to boot the WC company upside the head, I need a functional hand as soon as possible.
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I got a letter today from the California department of Worker's Compensation. It was a carbon copy of a letter they sent to the workmen's comp company who contraverted my claim. It basically indicated to the WC company that all medical information available indicates that I have a classic worker's compensation injury, and that the WC company should pay me the benefits they cut me off of back in November, pending the hearing to determine whether they need to reinstate me. This hearing is set for 2 weeks from now.
It was interesting, because it went over each and every medical report and indicated that the WC company's doctor had his head up his ass.
Of course, this letter was written by the person who will preside over the hearing. I expect to hear from my attorney this coming week, and I am laughing my ass off because the cost of fixing me from my work accident doubled because they forced me to retain an attorney.
As I indicated to the WC guy when he called to cut me off, the gloves have come off and now he gets to deal with the not-nice me. Another case of people who try to start trouble with me and forget that I pick fights for a living, and as Sun Tsu pointed out in essence, do not enter the field of combat until victory is assured.
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My doctor let me know that my next step is ulnar nerve relocation in order to allow the ulnar nerve to heal. Since it is a workmen's compensation case in dispute, he wrote me off work until mid-February.
This surgery will take place, hopefully, in March, and the recovery is 12-14 weeks. So I am off work until sometime next summer at the earliest.
Now if it would stop hurting so much.
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I open up my mail today and get a lovely copy of a letter that the California Disability Office provided to my Workmen's Compensation company. Thsi later basically stated "He was injured at work and he is applying for disability. This is your companies responsibility. Please provide him with appropriate benefits and coverage or prepare to be pimp-slapped by our attorneys.
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So I go to my doctor. He fills out my state disability forms to submit since the WC company denied my claim. No worries, my benefits will cover my medical and my long term disability will pay my bills. But I have to get the doctor to fill out his portion of the state disability form. He checks the little box which states it was an industrial accident. Slam dunk. The WC companies decision will be overturned on appeal. I do not plan on kissing those rat bastards when they are done getting f*cked either. |
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I get a phone call from the workmen's compensation company stating that my case has been denied because it is an arm problem and not a spine problem. State that the doofus they sent me to said the problem was not caused by the accident. I politely inform the workmen's compensation adjustor that I really was hoping to avoid getting an attorney. He doesnt say anything.
So I meet with my attorney, he indicates that the adjuster throws a vast amount of business his way because he is unclear about the laws for workmen's compensation; to whit, even if it is a case where a person has a pre-existing condition, the company where the person is working when it goes all to hell is responsible to fix it.
He points out that since I have full long term disability benefits, and full medical coverage, to keep going to my doctor and start up my Long Term Disability, and eventually the shipping company and the workmen's compensation company can argue with each other over who was supposed to pay.
So business as usual as I sit at home wondering how many more months it will be before my left hand works again.
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After a week of arguments about proper usage of various anthropological terms and other trivia, I drove up to Clovis to check on the status of juliaoceania's submit button being broken.
Seems to work just fine. Im not sure what she is complaining about, but whatever it is, i didnt do it. |
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Have a nerve study done, track the source of the problem to my ulnar nerve in my elbow. Apparently, there must have been some trauma to the elbow during the accident.
On a positive note (said sarcastically) the neurologist said it should heal within a few months to a year.
A year? It has been 2.5 months and I am going nucking futs on disability.
Throw in no dancing!  |
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So the doctor tells me I can go dancing again. I go and start doing some Lindy moves, and feel pins and needles and pain in my left (lead) arm. :( |
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On a positive note, I found out two days ago that I do not have a spinal column injury. The problem is in the shoulder or elbow, and while I am still off work, I can start dancing again.
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Still hear your voice even though you are a thousand miles away.
A kiss goodbye only makes me want to stay.
Dare dont deceive me and dont you stray away.
Temptation and patience are two things that just cant wait.
Im coming home with my hand on my heart.
Tell me something, tear me apart.
I said, Good Goodbye, Im ready.
Good Goodbye, my friend.
Good Goodbye, TSOL
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"We are fighting on two different fronts
Of the same war But no matter what else
I will do I will wait, for you." Ani DiFranco
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So I send a short note to a local submissive about how much her list of hard limits (one limit: conservative politics) for somebody behind the Orange Curtain is just odd.
She writes me back.
A week or so ago we set up a profile for her as Sinergysdarlin.
I love you, darlin
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I had made the decision a while back that I was no longer going to spend much time sending out emails to people online. Instead, I was going to involve myself in real life activities like dancing and involving myself in community activities. But I was reading a profile of a poster on the message boards, and ended up spitting coffee on my screen I was laughing so hard. So I drop her a polite email complimenting her on her profile, coffee soon followed, and things seem to be working out for us.
On a less positive note, I have spent the past month home on workmen's compensation after being "slammed" down in the harbor. This is what happens when the crane drops a 160 ton container on my chassis too hard, and I end up in my tractor doing my best imitation of ice in a martini shaker. It is unclear when I will be able to return to work. |
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Everything that has a beginning has an end. |
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So today I decide to upload a few pictures from my balcony. Made a little table out there so I can sit and watch the sun come up in the morning.
I did want to mention something about that one picture of the outhouse. I took that on a military base, and I find it so amusing because if you look carefully it appears to have a satellite dish on top. |
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I tracked down the following Dylan Thomas poem today as I was thinking about it. I view the time I have been granted in this reality as a gift, and it seems only fitting to give back for the gift I have received. So I do what I can to leave this place in a better state than I found it.
The Poem
- Do not go gentle into that good night,
- Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
- Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
- Because their words had forked no lightning they
- Do not go gentle into that good night.
- Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
- Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
- Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
- And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
- Do not go gentle into that good night.
- Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
- Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
- Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- And you, my father, there on the sad height,
- Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
- Do not go gentle into that good night.
- Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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I have again been forced to attempt to correct the one I am seeing and her relentless blathering of marxist drivel. Add to that, the fact that she thinks my criticisms of the Simian In Chief are an insult to primates everywhere.
A Dominant's work is never done. |
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And another lovely day spent cleaning my apartment. The first day off in 3 weeks from my two jobs. I did go out, if only to go shopping for food.
On a positive note, a friend from here sent me a link to various sites, one of which may contain information allowing me to hook up with lifestylers here in north San Diego county. I have been alone too long.
Enjoy your evening |
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I had considered asking the boss on the job Im currently working to let me go so I could go to San Diego and work a cruise line today. Then it hit me; I get paid for the day whether I work or not. Of course, today, my first day off since the last journal entry (Nov 24) will be spent cleaning my apartment and trying to figure out what is around here in San Juan Capistrano (where I now live) and the environs.
As Jack White stated after making the album "Get Behind Me, Satan," any unpleasantness is now in the past and it is time to move forward. It is a new year, a fresh start, and it is time to start taking working only 5 days a week and finding out where to go and what to do. |
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My first day off in 4 weeks. I suspect I have been spending so much time working as a means of mentally avoiding the grieving process for my past relationship. Is 4 months enough time to heal from a 4 year relationship?
I would be working today, but the job I am currently doing wants me back after Thanksgiving day, and I cant pick up something else in the interim. So the day is spent cleaning my house, putting my things in order, and pondering where to go from here. I believe it is time to start taking more time off to resume dancing again, as well as to actively seek somebody to share my life with.
Happy Turkey Day!
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I was contacted by somebody from my past who wanted to reestablish our relationship. I have spent months trying
to put it back together, but it is not
happening and my needs are not being
fulfilled in the relationship.
I dislike the denouement of a relationship intensely, but the pain I was feeling last year is back again.
Back to your regularly scheduled whatever you have regularly scheduled.
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I have finally escaped the pure hell of life as a casual longshoreman and am now a member of the union! |
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Life creeps by in it's petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time.
Looking around my place and wondering when I will find somebody to share my life with. |
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Injury at work is all healed up, and I have returned to full-duty with a vengeance. End of the year rush, so I am working 7 days a week.
I need a vacation :) |
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Got hurt at work. Nothing serious, but it does slow me down quite a bit :(
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I was speaking to a person online who stated that to a Dominant she knows, I am using my psychotic work schedule as a cop-out. Perhaps, so I thought I would throw out that if somebody wants to be with me in a relationship, the approach I am using is to be friends first and work from there to something more.
Enjoy your evening,
Sinergy |
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So the place I go dancing at sends out an email to their students asking them to be in a music video. So all day yesterday I spent sitting around waiting for the 20 minutes of dancing and filming, and for my trouble I get a couple of sandwiches, screen credit in a music video, and a voucher for credit towards a Screen Actors Guild card. |
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I found a mailing list for East Coast swing dancing in Orange County, and have now discovered that I can go dancing 5 out of the 7 nights if I so choose. Works well with my job which is basically on-call 24x7x365 |
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There is another Zen story which certain events in my current life have brought to mind. It is the story of the 5 blind men describing an elephant. The first, feeling the side, says an elephant is like a wall. The second, feeling the leg, says an elephant is like a tree, the third feels the tail, the fourth feels the ear, the fifth feels the trunk... The moral of the story from my persepective is that objective reality cannot be definitivel described, only an approximation of reality can be arrived at. |
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I was asked to add a story to my journal which comes from Zen traditions but was recapped in the book The Tao Of Pooh. I hightly recommend reading it.
A person goes to a known Master to learn from them the knowledge they have. The master invites the student in and before the Master can say anything the student begins to recount what they want, what they have heard about things, what they have studied, etc., etc.
After a few minutes of this, the Master interjects and asks the potential student if they would like some tea. The Master prepares the tea, sets a cup in front of the student, and begins to fill it. After a short time, the cup fills and the tea runs over the side onto the table, and onto the floor. The Master continues pouring tea into the cup.
Puzzled, the student stops sharing his views and asks the Master why he keeps filling the cup.
The Master replies "Like the cup, you are too full for me to put anything else in to. If you are here to learn you need to empty your cup."
From my perspective, the Zen concept of "empty your cup" applies to this lifestyle. |
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So I get an email this morning from somebody about an issue with a friend which I cleared up yesterday. In this email was the statement:
"You will be add to list on collar me for sub to stay away from."
I have perused most of the message boards on here, and am unable to find The List. If somebody could point me in the right direction, I would be most appreciative.
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The kilt picture is from 1999, the other one was a few weeks ago... |
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Moving to Huntington Beach this weekend, where I have found a place to live half a block from a beach with a lovely rolling surf break...  |
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I have started dancing (East Coast Swing and Ballroom) at a local dance studio here in town, and rediscovered an old love of mine. May take up Latin when I get the hang of this.
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