Been very sick the last couple of weeks. Verge of Pneumonia according to my doctor. Finally starting to feel somewhat better, but still sleeping a lot and not going anywhere unless it is unavoidable. Being sick sucks. I'm so ready to be all better again.

Been hanging out on the boards again after an extended break and out of boredom have looked at profiles on this side. There's some definite entertainment mixed in with some scary shit and topped with a lot of bitching about fakes and scammers. Same old, same old.

Between threads on the boards and journal entries and profile text on this side, I see a good deal of griping about people not answering messages sent to them. I don't answer every message sent to me and I don't feel one bit bad about it either. Some messages shouldn't have been sent in the first place, let alone deserve a reply. I am not obligated to respond to every unsolicited message I get on here and courtesy, or lack thereof doesn't have a thing to do with it.

I would love for all the ones who bitch about people not replying to be able to read some of the messages sent on here; and read what gets sent when you do reply and nicely tell them you are not interested in more than friendship, or you don't believe they are a match for you. Those are some huge eye-openers. Ignore, report, delete, and block are your friends. I am courteous towards people when out and about or at events, but then I don't deal with the things that a person, especially a female, does on here out there.

It's not rude to simply delete and ignore a message on a site like this, it's actually very smart and keeps stress levels down. I know if I choose to not reply that I need to immediately block the person because otherwise the messages continue and get nastier each time, calling me vile names and even threatening me; and it's the same if I do reply and state I'm not interested. I'm not obligated to put myself through that just to satisfy a stranger's need or demand for courtesy.

I don't reply to spam emails or snail mails either and this is no different as far as I'm concerned. Also, if you message someone and don't fall within the parameters they've set, your message goes to bulk and is automatically deleted after a certain amount of time. Many don't ever check their bulk folder and never know they got any of those messages.

A week later I am still processing my weekend at BMSL. There were so many highlights for me as well as a very few low points. Overall the weekend and the experience was an absolute blast. The venue rocked, the staff and volunteers were great, fantastic classes, awesome scenes to see, lots of fun and conversation, just really great.

There was so much laughter in the smoking areas throughout the weekend that my face hurt from it all. TOne and Jsin doing the suspension was beyond hilarious with just what I was able to see of it. I wish I'd had a clearer view. I wanted to see the rope placement and distribution of weight for my own interest in someday experiencing it done in a way my body can handle.

I attended two classes, one on how to beat the crap out of someone and have them coming back wanting more, the other on sensual wax play. Both classes were excellent and I got a lot out of them. I really, really, really wanted to be on the receiving end in both classes. The classes were fun, interesting and very informative.

I made some new friends over the weekend, met a few people I'd known or followed online for years (3 altogether) and reconnected with several I only see if I come to St Louis. I even got to learn a little rope work unexpectedly from the top side and had a lot of fun doing it too.

I added four new things to my toy bag at BMSL:

1 sjambok
1 wrapped stick
1 rubber nightstick
1 3 heart leather paddle

I am very happy with the new additions and still have about four other things on my to get list, the first being a barbed wire flogger. That one has been on my list for a year and a half and I will be getting one as soon as I can afford it.

Three of the four new toys I got I've had used on me before and I have a love/hate thing going with the sjambok which when used on me last weekend took me down to the bench trying to get away from the overwhelming sensation and still liking that I couldn't escape it. The only one of the four not used on me yet is the three heart leather paddle.

I have a pic of just the 4 new toys that I will add to my pics here as soon as I get it along with a few other pics taken last weekend and earlier this week.

This Beat Me will forever be an extra special event to me. After over 4 years of online and voice interaction, I finally got to meet a friend face to ndship and rapport translated to in person perfectly with the only difference being that we could touch and hug and see each other. It only strengthened an already strong friendship for us. More on this in a separate entry.

One of the things set up for me for Beat Me was a re-centering spanning two nights. The first night I got the first part of it done, though it was stopped a little earlier than planned due to blood, but wasn't able to get the second part done the next night. A open area from the play the night before that had closed overnight re-opened very early in the play the second night so it was stopped.

What I got was a partial re-centering which helped definitely, but I still need to completely re-center and I hope that will happen soon. I need it all out until I am flying deep and high, and I need to get more than I think I can take to get there, a catharsis of sorts. I know this and I know me well enough to realize what I need, which is more than I actually want.

BMSL was such a blast for me and the few negatives I experienced were way outweighed by all the positives.

I am finally starting to drop as of last night, but so far it has been mild and I've been working to minimize it as much as possible. I know why the drop has held off for as long as it did and why it's starting, but that is also for a separate entry. Suffice it to say I am overall good at this point and have an overload of new and wonderful memories.

Valentine's weekend was wonderful for me. I went to an event on Saturday and I have nothing but good to say about it. I met some new people, spent time with friends and saw some people I haven't seen in awhile. It was full of fun and laughter and friendship and more.

I ended up playing with someone for the first time who is very, very new to topping and having a couple of people I trust there and stepping in to teach him, making me essentially the chalkboard or practice dummy or what have you. It was great!

Spanks ROCKED! What A glorious experience! I was fulfilled on so many levels by the experience. The fun, the laughter, the shopping, the learning, seeing new things, being able to provide some service to friends which in turn fulfilled my need to serve and also being a part of new experiences for both myself and others which was an honor for me.

I added some things to my toy bag. I got a rubber viper, a small, leather dragon tail and two paddles, plus a small feather duster. I am very happy with those additions and am also planning to get a leather barbed wire flogger soon.

My play experiences at Spanks were awesome. On Friday night I had a scene sparked by a pic I saw and commented on, awhile back on Fet, dealing with clothespins. Good friends saw my comment and decided to give me a new and wonderful experience because of it. It involved 200 clothespins, and red yarn. There were actually 300 to play with but only 200 were actually used on me. The clothespins were strung with the red yarn on my arms, upper legs, breasts and abdomen with some on one of my hands and fingers. When all were attached, 3 people grabbed an end of the yarn and slowly pulled until all came off. What a rush! Trails of fire followed the removal paths and I flew so high. Just wow! It was perfect. The pain was so good and hit the pleasure zone so fast after the initial pulls. I want to do it again lol. What an experience! I have pics of the marks from it, but am waiting on them so I can upload them in my pics here.

On Saturday night I was tag-teamed by friends. I had my first experience with sap gloves in that scene and on each breast is a small light bruise from them. In keeping with a local Sarah tradition, I have broken my first boat oar with my ass also during that scene. There is a pic of it in my pics here. I had so much fun with them, the sadistic joy they took in messing with my mind and inflicting pain and sensation on me increased my own enjoyment and I flew so high. At one point, an angel maker was used on me and that sucker had me literally trying to climb up the cross to escape it! The whole scene was a mix of fun, laughter and intensity. It got so intense at the end I was actually twisting and trying to get away from what was being used on me and the one who was using it for the first time ever when we’ve played.

I am wired kind of weird in that sensations that are, in general, supposed to hurt, be painful, do not translate to my brain as pain. They actually feel good to me, are pleasurable to me. I know a lot of people I’ve met say they don’t get how I take what I do and like it so much; and I try to explain to them how it feels to me, but they can’t get past that to them it equals pain and not a good kind. I guess I’m just really weird like that.

I met a lot of new people, enjoyed chatting with new people and friends alike. I enjoyed the atmosphere there. It was all fantastic and my friends there made it a truly awesome experience and I cannot thank any of them enough for their parts in the weekend.

My poor butt is still tender today and I felt it every bit of the long drive home Sunday and I am very much still flying from my first Spanks experience.

I've been meaning to write this for a while now, but needed to process it more first and then other things in life took precedence temporarily.

At Tribal Fire, I finally got to really experience a type of play I have been wanting to for quite a long time now. I have had two very small, limited experiences with it, but nothing on the scale of what I wanted to experience. Definitely enough to make me want more, but not near what I wished to. I consider this a first due to the scope and intensity of it.

I am talking about wax play. I have had it done a little on my upper back and a little on my nipples.

In talking with a friend before Tribal Fire, we discussed play and planned to play there. She and her husband teach about fire play and make fire play implements and candles and are quite experienced.

One of the times we sat talking at TF, we discussed limits, likes, dislikes and possibilities for the play and came up with a general idea of what we would be doing.

When the time came to play, we found a quiet room rather than the big room to do so and set up and began the play. My focus very quickly became her and the music and the sensations. Several candles in various colors were used to drip wax on me. I was drawn on and written on a bit with the wax. My entire torso from neck to between my legs was coated in wax. Wax was dribbled on my arms and legs.

She controlled my breathing telling me when to hold my breath and resume breathing at various points. Hot wax began pouring over me at various points as I breathed in and out and the deeper the breath, the more hot wax I felt pouring.

The feelings and sensations I experienced were indescribable. Heat, soothing, erotic even. Never before has anything felt like that.

Those instances of pouring wax turned out to be me waxing myself with my breathing. She had placed the candles on their sides in the wax she had coated my body with already and had me hold my breath to seat each one in the wax. My breathing then caused the wax to pour in various directions in each area a candle was placed. I literally became a human candle for awhile.

We began winding down the play after the juncture on my right inner thigh, where leg meets body, got a little too hot for me due to the sensitivity of the skin there.

At that point, one by one, she removed each of the candles and blew out the flames. She then used a beautiful knife to remove the wax from me.

It was a beautiful experience and one I treasure very much. Thank you so very much.

After we got everything cleaned up and packed up, we sat outside talking for a little while about it and that is when I found out what she had done with the candles after the intial waxing and that even though we had used a small room figuring on privacy, a lot of people had come and watched most or part of the scene.

I had been so deeply focused on her, the sensations and the beat of the music, that I didn't realize others were watching.

I will never forget this. It is placed with memories of other special experiences I have had. I was also given one of the candles used on me as a momento of the experience.

The entire Tribal Fire experience was for me so beautiful, positive, and learning, so full of wonderful moments and memories from the time I met my friends for the trip down, to the time we parted ways for me to go home.

I get to go to Tribal Fire this year! This will be my first time attending a major, national event! I hope in time, I will be able to afford to attend more national events, but I never figured on ever being able to attend any at all. This so rocks!!!!!!!

I suppose some might laugh at my excitement, maybe because it's not a hardship for them to attend whatever events they want to wherever, but I don't even care. For me this is a very big deal and a chance I would never have without my friends.

I will be helping my friends vend (Hopefully they patiently show me the ropes of it so I don't goof up lol) and will have the chance to attend a class or two and get to play more than once ~grin~. Counting the friends I am going with, from what I've seen/heard of so far, there will be at least 7 people I know/have met in person there, which is fantastic, and maybe I'll see/meet some people I only know or know of from online too.

Words really can't adequetely express how much this means to me. The chance to be with friends, meet new people, attend some classes and play at such an event.......yeah, I am soooo there!

I wonder anymore how much of my choice to not get into a relationship at this time is due to my fears rather than the things in my life I need to get straight? I know without a doubt that I am not at this time ready to give what is needed to build a relationship. There are several issues currently that will not allow it. Sometimes having those issues that keep me from even trying seem to make me happy, relieved, even make me feel safe and protected from what could happen if I got involved again. Am I using them as excuses to avoid my fears coming to pass again? Am I being totally honest with myself in why I won't get involved right now? Am I refusing to see the whole truth?

The issues are valid, very much so. I am not able to be on my own due to financial difficulties. I live with family that limits my ability to spend time with someone and the ways I can do so. My financial situation also limits my ability to spend time with someone and do things with them. My family is unaware of the bdsm part of me and would never understand or accept it and would, without a doubt, do all they could to break me of it, keep me from it, stop me and guilt me into changing my life to suit their beliefs.

I have been in two abusive relationships as an adult and was abused in specific ways pre adult. I am afraid that because of that, when I get involved again, I will choose another abuser, that I won't see him for an abuser until it is too late and something bad happens again. No, I'm not afraid, let's be totally honest, I am terrified of that. I don't know if I have yet gotten to the point that I can pick a good guy for a relationship. What if the things that happened in my past have permanently warped me to the point that an abuser is all that will attract me? What if it has messed me up to the point that I cannot handle a relationship, or at least not for very long?

I am a submissive. I know this and accept this. It is in my heart and soul, part of who I am as a person. I have the need to serve, to be in a D/s relationship very much so, one that includes it all....love, honesty, communication, D/s, passion, s/m play, friendship, everyday things........all of it, but I don't believe I am yet to the point that I can let go of the hold I have on myself and submit and serve fully. Many times I feel the need to submit and serve, want so bad to be in a relationship where I can, that it is overwhelming and hard to overcome, but every time that happens both my fears and the knowledge that I can't do so with the issues I am working on fixing rise up and drive the need and desire back down again for awhile.

I am also a masochist and bottom. Those needs and desires do get met when I am able. I have friends who are tops that top me at play parties when I am able to go and one or more of them are there. Being able to do that every 4-8 weeks on average helps somewhat in getting those needs met and keeping me somewhat centered. I have no problems with that, no fears of doing it and no fears that those who top me will want or try for more than the s/m play and friendship. That fear could crop up if I play with someone "new" who is single and looking, but who knows if/when that may happen? That being the case, it is not something I feel any need to be concerned about right now.

Maybe it really doesn't matter so much why right now since it is a moot point because I cannot get involved in a relationship at this time, but it does bother me to think that the fear may be the bigger reason. If that is so, then when I have resolved the other issues, it still may prevent me from taking the chance and finding what I want and need to be completely fulfilled. I don't want that.

I can form friendships and sustain them and acquaintances just fine. I'm not afraid of friendship. I see in those relationships that I can do it and usually pick good ones; and while it hurts when I choose wrongly in a friend, it is nothing to how it hurts when I choose wrong in a love relationship. There is quite a difference for me between the two.

Maybe I won't know the answers to my questions until the other issues have been resolved and that is a scarey thought. I would rather know now and be able to work harder on it than find out after working so hard to resolve the other things. I do work on overcoming the fears I have, don't get me wrong. I don't hide from them. I just am not solely or intensely focused on overcoming them to the detriment of working on other issues.

I suppose time will tell.

I am so very blessed with the friends I have in the community. I have several top friends who are more than happy to top me when opportunity presents itself; and I have several friends and acquaintances who identify similarly to me as well. Wonderful people who care and listen and offer opinions and I'm very happy to do the same in return.

I was finally able to get the Greenery Press hardcover Dreaming in Color at the beginning of this month and it is signed to me by Jay Wiseman. So made my day when I got it. I've got to say it again. If you ever get the opportunity to go see Jay Wiseman or Jack Rinella.....DO IT!!!! You won't be sorry. They are very personable, knowledgeable, wonderful people and I treasure the opportunity I had to see and learn from them and visit with them.

The much anticipated September campout finally arrived. I have been excited about this one for months; my once in a lifetime opportunity to meet and attend classes by two renowned Lifestyle authors and speakers, Jack Rinella and Jay Wiseman.  I can say absolutely that the wait was well worth it and I thoroughly enjoyed the classes and unexpected opportunities to talk with both. They are wonderful speakers and very personable and I will definitely recommend to anyone into wiitwd that they attend classes by either of them if the opportunity presents itself. I’m glad I did.

I did get both their autographs also and was able to get 2 more books from my wishlist of bdsm books. They are: The Toybag Guide to Dungeon Emergencies and Supplies by Jay Wiseman and a new, very new, book compiled by Jack Rinella called The Dictionary of Scene Friendly Terms. The dictionary is a first edition and small and talk of a second one is in the works that will be much bigger and fuller as suggested terms and such are sent in by readers. 
 

I believe I can say with utmost sincerity and honesty that neither one of them will forget this event, one more so than the other and that’s all I’m sayin’ *grin*. I know I personally will never forget it and will smile and chuckle at some of the memories.

 I figured it was time to begin the journal on this profile at last.

One of our local lists recently held an election to choose a new Board. I was nominated to run for the board and chose to accept such. I did not expect to win any position on the board and was simply quite touched to have been nominated.

I won the slot of alternate on the board. Wow! I never expected it and was so surprised when the results were posted.

I am looking forward to seeing what the new board is able to do for the group and stand ready as alternate to be a member voice at meetings, etc. and to step in when I am needed on the board.