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OttersSwim

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Friends:
lisagurlLadyPactSthrnCom4tBKSirDarkSteven

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Approaching Submission Creating Beauty. “I create beautiful things...” I wrote this statement back in the early 80s when describing my art, and it has been a mantra for me in all of the pursuits of my life thus far. That quest for creating beauty has expressed itself in me, as an artist and framer, as a project manager, as an innkeeper, and as a host. I now want that to be my intention going into service to a dominant woman or man. I want to create a beautiful experience for them, and thus, through service and fulfillment of their desires, bring fulfillment and beauty to myself. I have been submitting my entire life, I just have not realized it. The creation of beauty is a symbiotic relationship where two people engage and give to the other to share in something beautiful. In art, the initial act is that of the artist who steps outside themselves to create an external expression. The viewer comes in and then completes the creation by viewing and (hopefully) appreciating the creation through exploration and thought about what it is, what it means, and how it impacts the viewer. It is similar when you care for someone – either through hosting them in your home, preparing food for them, providing body work, etc. An act, external to yourself – requiring you to be self aware enough to step outside of yourself to -do- for another – and a reciprocation of receiving your service, or your meal, or your hospitality, or your energy into their body. I have always approached these things I do as gifts that I create for another and I now believe that it was a response to my desire to serve others – to submit. In this act of turning myself over to another, I want to create beauty through submission and service to them. Beauty for them, beauty for me, beauty for the world... 03/30/11 - I am currently in a married and totally committed D/s relationship with my Lady wife, Sthrncom4t - so at this point, I am only looking to make friends in the lifestyle.  Cheers!  :)

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11/7/2009 10:51:23 AM
So there is a joke that runs in our circles:
What is the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?

About three years...
It is a joke, but like many jokes, it contains a thread of truth in it - the truth of evolution.

This is a path to enlightenment just as sure as any other.  It is the realization of self

Self - something that is understood for most by age 3 to 5.  For the future crossdresser/transperson/genderqueer/etc. the realization is not self, but difference

Society does not embrace difference - even to a 5 year old that distinction is perfectly clear.  Further, as a child, most of us do not have the reasoning capacity to understand our difference - we just know that we are different.  When I tried to play with dolls, I had all dolls taken away from me - even GIJoe.  When I played with my sister's makeup and perfume, I was punished...

It does not take long before such a child learns new words that take on a different context - hide, deny, repress...

You want to be a girl, but you can't, and so as you get a bit older, you learn a new term in a new context - objectify...  Girls become wonderful, amazing, incredible...

Now take yourself through puberty.  Hormones rage and that objectification turns sexual.  You learn how to masturbate, and what do you fantasize about - being Her...

But you cannot be Her.  The closest you can come is her trappings - clothing, makeup, shoes.  And so eventually you start dressing...but you are still in hiding.  As you translate into a young adult, you discover computers, and porn...what do you go looking for?  People like you.

Crossdress porn leads quickly to femdom porn and to the concept of Forced Feminization...  There's a lot of that stuff out there and if you don't know any better, you could easily mistake fantasy for education.   You are repressed, you are in hiding, the real you is not accepted...you need to let these feelings in you out!  For a time, the concept of being forced to do this thing can bring some relief and rationalization is a wonderful thing and very easy for humans to do.  Your urges become fetishishized...

Hopefully, and this is a critical step...you eventually reason.  None of the real girls you know are anything like the women in all this porn you have been lapping up.  Further, you are getting on in life and isn't it time to come to grips with this thing inside you?  Maybe the library...or perhaps you know someone who is homosexual...yea, maybe I can figure this out...keep it from blowing the top of my head off every year or so from the repression.  Maybe you need counseling...maybe you find a group...

Maybe you are 22, 35, or 66 when this finally happens and you finally end up in a place of authenticity...peace...and finally a realization of ...self...


I am going to ask people who are reading this to understand that there is an evolution to self that is going on in everyone you meet or encounter who is crossdressing or trans or genderqueer.  It is important that we try to perceive where they are in that journey...

Many of these people are very repressed and disturbed because society does not allow them to be who they really are without consequence.  We here on CM see a lot of folk that are just in that initial stage of reason.  They are casting about for understanding but they are still deeply repressed and their feelings are highly fetishized.

It is easy to encounter someone either before or in the early stages of reason about their gender identity, have a negative reaction, and think - wow, all people like that are just fucked up.

But I see a lot of generalizations about crossdressers and trans folk as a whole in posts.  I guess that I would encourage people to look at a crossdresser or transperson and try to evaluate where they are in their evolution.  Meet them not with judgement and condescention, but perception and understanding and compassion.  It is not an easy road...

Don't dismiss as a group, but evaluate the person.  As I said in my earlier post, there are males who have girlie leanings in all types who want to have real D/s relationships.  Who understand that S&M does not mean "stand and model", who are actually looking to serve.  And who have taken the time to sort out their baggage and evolve into authenticity and self.

I certainly get and honor the fact that there are Ladies out there that are not into girlie males from the aspect of sexual or social attraction.  Not your thing, no worries.

And I get that there are people for whom being smashed flat with a clue would not help...in all groups and walks of life - girlie boys are not excluded and we have seen a few come through here.

But I hope that before we dismiss, mock, or scorn someone who we encounter, we would use our reason and perception to try to actually see them.  See where they are in their journey...and maybe do a thing or two to help them along. 
 

9/5/2009 6:55:53 AM

Satiating the Beast...

You girlie boys know what I am talking about...the DESIRE, the NEED, the WANT, to feel girlie. To dress and BE and FEEL what you are not outside, but what you ARE inside, what you maybe have denied yourself for many years...it can become an obsession, and not in a good way.

Those on the outside, you Ladies have likely seen it in your sub or others and maybe it has given you a negative hit or impression of the girlie boy type.

Desire becomes Obsession, Obsession becomes Fetish

I have been there with all the fantasy, the sexual arousal that clothing brings, all I can think about, all I can talk about...it can frankly be a beast that lives you rather than you living it. It can get in the way of your job, your relationships, your life...

I have heard this from multiple girlie boys...not just my own experience.

A dozen years ago, a therapist told me that I had to give this girl part of me space. That if I wanted to feel as if it were not running my life, I had to honor it.

So space and honor were given. Once a month, in private...kept the top of my head from blowing off, but did little else to satiate the almost constant thoughts and need. I did this for nearly a decade.

I only now understand what he really meant by giving my girl space and honor...
For the past year, I have nearly every day had the opportunity to dress and be my authentic self with a wonderful person to share it all with.

Gradually that beast of obsession and fetish has backed down. My perspective has become much more balanced and folks, it is good! I am finding that I have mostly stopped focusing on the fetish aspects of the clothes and begin understanding what it is that I feel when I am in them, why that feeds me, and simply enjoying that feeling.

I am finally beginning to feel at ease in my skin, AND in my head and heart. I no longer ache and feel sad when I see a beautiful woman...

I don't know who this entry will speak to. I don't want to come off in any way preachy. This has simply been miraculous for me and I wanted to share it. The transition has been so complex and I have a hard time putting it into words. I hope that if you feel any of what I have described in yourself, that you will take the time and find the courage to change your life so you can truly give your girlie side space and honor. I wish this sense of true peace and internal "rightness" for every one. :)


6/9/2009 10:35:35 AM
Please hit me...
I am an adult...
I know what I want...
I am not bad...
I am not good...

Please hit me...
It's understood...
This is how you are...
You are not bad...
You are not good...

Please hit me...
It's just how We are...
We dance on the edge...
We are not bad...
We are not good...

We are awake to our desires...
And our desires feed us...

4/30/2009 9:53:08 AM
The Day After...

I lived my life in quiet desperation, breathing, loving, denying myself for the sake of others, and totally asleep. I was comfortably away from the edge, little aware of it...or that some would choose to go to that edge and even dance on it.

Then you found me...you woke me up and showed me your world. And you took me to the edge.

In slow steps, you loved me, coaxed me, and held my hand…and when we reached the edge, you pushed...and I flew.

Last night was primal. I was bound and gagged, and you used your most intense implement. I screamed and fought...it was not pretty, but it was beautiful.

And after, you held me while I flew, my body coming to terms with its new marks...your marks, your love for me.

And today, I am raw, open, and totally awake...living and loving you at the edge of life that most will never see.


3/10/2009 6:05:10 AM
My Lady gave me my first taste of the cane this past weekend, and then again last night.  Stingy and burny and leaves lovely marks.  :)  This morning the ground is covered with snow, dark and quiet, but all is bright in my world!

2/13/2009 7:39:41 AM
When you use the word "Vanilla" to your vanilla friends...realize how hurtful and superior and condescending it can sound to them.

1/18/2009 10:29:48 AM
My Lady and I attended a Wick'd event last night at the Enclave in Denver.  As the Wick'd folk are on the site, I thought I would post a kudos for their event which was tre-fun!  They hosted a flogging demo with a gentleman who is notable and he did an interactive demo with a short talk and then letting the 30+ ladies try different floggers on their bottoms.

I was one of those bottoms and it was my first real heavy (for me) public play.  Our friend Mistress Sabine was there, as well as Rachelservant and her Lady.  We saw a bunch of other CM folk as well from the Denver scene.  It was much fun!

One thing I found out is...there is a Cherry Blossom Festival being setup in March in Denver that will feature Midori and Madame Butterfly.  My Lady and I are signed up for it already.    But last night, we learned that they will be doing a class on the tea ceremony with 15 participants and I signed on to be one of those!  So YAYs!  I get to learn formal tea service and be bound in rope while I do!  *faintsdeadawaywithexcitement*

BTW, if anyone wants info on the event, it is at wickd.org.

12/30/2008 4:13:56 PM
It is strange, and a bit scary, to hang a large mirror in front of  a hoist that you know you will soon be strung up on...looking at yourself in that very mirror...

11/11/2008 7:42:24 AM
A while since my last entry.  :)  Halloween found Milady and I at a club in Denver.  My first experience in a club and with public play.  I found myself secured to a fiendish rotating wheel, while Milady and a friend of hers played with electrical toys on me.  Much fun, very physically tiring experience, but overall I am looking forward to doing it again!  :)

11/4/2008 7:02:39 AM
There are a million reasons why I love Her, why She is a delight to serve and please. 

There just are not enough words, and those that I have, are insufficient to reflect what is in my heart...

10/25/2008 2:11:27 PM
My bottom and much of the backs of my legs are five shades of red and purple today.

 The world is in sharp contrast and all is bright and colors more vivid feeling. 

Part of the effect I think - last night I bent to Her will, and today I feel more alive.  :)

10/23/2008 9:45:36 PM
And so I have a picture!  This is Milady and myself - I am the happy subbie boy on the left.  :)

We took this in Estes Park right after a spanking on the rock we were sitting on.  It is why I look so spacey.  ^.^

10/19/2008 9:48:21 PM
Wonderful times - mutual interests, and amazing cuddle time.  We seem to be able to stay in bed all day if allowed.  Sadly, life does not give us that luxury, but today we were able to stay in bed until almost 11!

Tomorrow it is working at each other's homes to get essential tasks done, then back to Milady's house for the evening.

Even in the mundane...this is just great.  :)

10/9/2008 6:43:07 AM
Very heavy session last night with a spanking that brought me to tears and beyond.  I just could not stop crying afterwards and Milady was wonderful in her aftercare.  It was a deep experience being brought to the core of my emotion and staying there, seemingly unable to leave it for some time...

10/5/2008 8:19:59 AM
I...feel Rascally today.  I can't explain it, but the desire to be impish and crude and a bit destructive is just filling my being this morning...

She comes back from Moab tomorrow and we are going to see each other for two days straight...

Yea, that's why.  :P

10/3/2008 7:38:41 AM
Milady is on a trip to Moab until Monday, so I am a little down today and missing her. 

I got her a little bunny and put a black leather collar on it to take with her on her trip.  I slept with it for two days before and put some of my cologne on it.

We talked last night and she said she had it with her the entire day.  That really makes me feel good - like a little part of me is there with her. 

It is a little silly and schmoopy...but yea, it's part of being in Love and it makes me feel good.  I hope I always feel this way.  :)

10/1/2008 9:10:36 AM
Pedicure accomplished!  Last night Milady and I got together and I was finally able to do the pedicure that she had wanted in Wyoming.  :)

It was really nice - soothing music, and some pear cognac made it all go very nicely.

She has the prettiest feet west of the Rockies this morning!

9/26/2008 6:09:57 AM
YAYs!  Tonight we are together!  I love that 24 hours before seeing Her - so much anticipation and well...LUST!

YAYs!

9/23/2008 6:43:36 AM
Milady and I went camping in Wyoming over the past two days.  It was really great!  We were planning to do a pedicure "in the rough", but sadly wind and rain kept us in the tent for a good part of the time when we had light (oh darn, whatever shall we do?  <wicked grin from her as she reached for her toy bag> <Otter lets out a little squeek>).  I did get to give her a abbreviated manicure on her hands though with bright red polish, which is THE challenge, to paint on evenly...especially with fading light and smoke from the campfire in your eyes. 

9/20/2008 7:19:26 AM
I am the marble, caught in woven web;
In the fist of a monkey, held safe in its grasp;
The allure of submission, bought so long ago;
From a Carib sailor, lost with Fantome;
Today I wear it, and it reminds me so;
Of the allure of submission, and She who binds me;
I am the marble, caught in Her woven web.

9/19/2008 8:05:16 PM
09/19/08 - Prepping for camping trip.  :)  We are going camping together, Milady and I.  I am so excited, two days with Her!  She wants me to give her a pedicure while we are out there...and she wants to tie me to a tree...

The marks on my ass are fading.  They were red and purple for three days and it hurt to sit or move - it was delicious.  She promises more this weekend...and I am anxious and worried about the pain of it, and cannot wait all at the same time. 

9/18/2008 10:01:18 AM
I am so lucky this week. :) I have spent time with the most wonderful Lady. I have been privileged to feel her kisses and her lash and offer myself to her pleasure. My body sings with the memory of it all and yearns for more, my spirit soars in this glorious Love, my mind is engaged and I am truly awake! My thoughts are of Her...

9/16/2008 9:53:34 AM
09/16/08 - First Play...

So Milady and I had our first play session last night - my first ever.

It was in a word - wonderful.  My first time in cuffs, collar, and chains, first spanking marks, and first time anyone other than a doctor has put anything up my backside.

Surprisingly enough, the most intense sensation of the night...was the tickling...I am insanely ticklish and when you cannot get away and it just continues and continues...my whole abdomen hurts today.  :P

Floating in a happy fog, a little tired, and everything is somehow different today.

I am a happy sub who has found his Lady.  <3

9/6/2008 11:29:17 AM
09/06/08 - Another glorious evening with Milady...this is really turning spiritual for me now as she and I get to know one another and begin to explore the others body and give and receive pleasure through the D/s dynamic.

For me, it is incredibly emotionally nourishing and it is so heady!  I am smak in the middle of NRE and it feels so good.  :)

9/4/2008 8:29:59 AM
09/04/08 - Cloud 9...I have had a wonderful first experience in this lifestyle.  I have met M'Lady, as she prefers to be called, and we have had three wonderful meetings. 

She did everything right, from meeting me and my wife first, to providing a very safe environment for me to let go, to being very warm and caring for her new subbie.

I will likely not get to see her again until next week, and my heart aches at the thought of it.  It is like a tether is tied around my heart and I am not with her, my heart hurts.  Yea...I know, I am falling...and how sweet it is...  :)

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trainyourman
 
 Age: 31
 Dayton, Ohio