I must VENT! I go to a local big chain place to get my tire fixed or plugged as they call it. I had a slow leak in my tire. I got there at 9:00AM!! I didn't get out of there until 12:50PM!!! Are you FING kidding me!???! I know they did it for free, but sorry I don't think I would go back there again for service!!! The only good part about it was I almost finished a full chemo cap! I had only about half of the decreasing left. So I am very glad I brought my knitting bag with me. Note to self, always bring knitting bag with me!! I am hopefully going to finish the hat I am making for myself in a few days.

Well today was an eh day. I found out yesterday I have a nail in my tire. I am lucky that I can go to a tire store and have it plugged for free!! Which I am very happy about. The free part, not the nail part.  I went to the yarn store today. I ran into a very obnoxious 23 year old who thinks she is g-d's gift to knitting.  She is working there part time. She was teaching a teenager how to knit and purl. Then she was showing her how to do continatiol ( sorry about the spelling) knitting. This is a form of knitting. I do this type of knitting. The 23 year old just showed her, but was not telling her the  terms of what she was doing. She was like that is not important. UMMM HELLO, YES IT IS!! If you are going to teach someone something, you tell the terms!!! You dont just say here do this and not tell them what is called. Who cares that you knit sweaters in weeks, and child outfits in days!!??? If you are there to teach, you give someone the correct terms!!! I have NEVER met someone so FULL of themselves in my life!!! She seems like the type of girl who's parents gave her everything she ever wanted and she would pout if they didnt. Sorry but you are NOT the best knitter out there, get over yourself!!

If you are there to teach someone tell them the correct terms!!! Also stop bragging, you make new knitters feel as if they cant possibly get any better. At least I was there to help when you were to busy bragging!!! Bad enough she is the one teaching the dye class next month. I guess I will have to just grin and bare 2 hours of listening to her brag!!

I am happy that I found the yarn I thought I lost 7 years ago. Yes, I said 7 years ago!! I finally am going to make something out of it. I am making a nice cardigan sweater. It is going to hopefully come out well. It is a dark burgundy, with black and a bit of orange. It also has silver shiny specks/balls in it. I am not totally sure how I feel about it. All I know is that I am going to make this sweater. I am hoping to have it done in 3 months or less. I am still going to work on chemo hats also. I might even make a hat or two for myself. I am still working on one for me. I also want to make some more hats for my friend. I have a ton of knitting to do and I wish I was a faster knitter.

I think I have enough yarn at the moment. Then again, I am sure I will buy more yarn this week or next. I know I know.... but a girl who knits can never have enough yarn. :)

I am glad that I can actually say all my laundry is done!!! I even did my handwashing. Yes, I made sure I was up bright and early to do it before it got so damn hot!! I love how the local BK weather woman says it is cooling off. It's 95 degrees out!!! Sorry I think cooling down is 75 degrees NOT 95 degrees!!! So I am going to hopefully finish off two chemo hats today!! I want to send all the hats I have done by the end of the week. I think then it will be a total of 8 sent to the wonderful charity Knots of Love.

I had a good weekend. I didn't end up doing much, but that was fine.

Has anyone ever had a store pretty much say to you..... Sorry I wont take your card # over the phone for a purchase???? I had that happen to me today. This is a yarn store that I used to spend $100's of dollars a month at!!!! I just asked them to send me a few sets of needles!!! They were cheaper then the company online and I cant seem to find them around here!! I AM SO PISSED!!! I would of payed for the shipping!!!! OMG!! You lost my business!!! They are holding them for me, for a week. Ummm, yeah not sure if I would even have a friend get them for me.

Secondly now I know I am NOT going back to a wicked wednesday. I hardly got a hello. All I got was 3 people saying "You are back". Is that good or bad? I used to remember when people were nice to each other and helped each other out. I do things for people and dont ask for things in return. I guess I was raised differently then others. 

Thirdly, The bitch upstairs is stomping around at like 12:20AM, 3:00AM!! I am hardly getting any sleep!!! If I say anything I know she is going to say something rude. She was a bitch the first time I met her. I HATE RUDE PEOPLE!!!

I woke up depressed this morning. Even before I checked my watch and noticed it was 9/11. It is a really sad day. Remembering all the people who lost their lives. I talked to my shrink this morning on the phone. I am not sure if she really understood how majorly depressed I am. So for now, I am starting another chemo hat. This will be my 7th hat. I found out today a necklace I ordered is being shipped out. Yeah, also my yarn bowl is also being shipped out! So at least I have something to look forward too. I don't know if my luck will turn around or not. I know I shouldn't be jealous of all the luck other people have in their lives but I do. I never look foward to anything major in my life anymore. If I ever do it never happens. I must of pissed off g-d when I was in heaven. I don't know why I have had so much bad luck in my life. I am debating if I want to sell off some things. IE my Barbie and Raggedy Ann collection online. I don't think I will get much for them. I am thinking if I did sell some. Maybe I could actually get some money together to do something. Maybe finally take a trip to PEI. That would probably cost me about 2 grand between the plane fare and staying exspenses. I am not sure if I can afford to do it or not. I am sure if I could my controlling father would tell me I cant. I am 38 years old and feel as if I have no control over my life. This is why I am getting suicidal. I have no life, no control and at this point I feel as if I don't have a real reason to go on. I can't get pregnant, so there goes the dream of having a child. I seem to have bad luck in choicing a decent guy. Bad luck in saving money. Even if I did have money something I am sure would come up to make all of it go away. I mean hell, I finally saved 2k up and it all went to rent and expenses of moving to this horrible town that I hate!!! Seriously why am I still alive?? Sorry but what Anne of Green Gables says is not helping at the moment. "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it yet." My favorite saying..... It's not helping.... Nothing is helping.

I started my day very early today. I was up at 7:00AM. I was doing my laundry at 7:45 AM!! I don't know exactly why I started my day so early. I just kind of felt that if I started early it would just be over with!! I still end up doing about 3 loads of wash eventhought it is only my wash. I used to do the same amount of wash when I was with my ex vanilla. I think part of it is because the washers and dryers in this complex SUCK!! Everyone keeps telling me I should go to a laundry mat. I don't want to go to a laundry mat. I like just going and putting it in and going back to watching tv. I can't do that at a laundry mat. Plus I can't walk to the laundry mat in my pj's lol. Today I got dressed. So I was not wearing my pj's. I am probably just going to stay in and knit for the rest of the week. The only time I might go out is to maybe pick up some more needles. The store that carries the kind I like is getting a new shipment in this week. Of course I don't know when exactly so hopefully they will have them by Friday. I don't need these needles so to speak, but if I am working on more then hat at a time, I need more hat needles.  I still feel very lost and depressed. I don't like living here. I don't think I ever will. I feel as if this town is cut off from everything!!! I know there are a few places to go here, but everytime I ask people ?'s about where to go or what to do for fun. Everyone says there is nothing to do here!! So WTF!!! Not to mention lots of people say they hate it here. So if they hate it here why are they still living here? I don't have a choice at the moment, I can't afford to move. Trust me this would NOT be a place I would choose to live. I am working on a hat right now for a friend. So at least I feel as if I am doing something worth while.

I am having an ok day I guess. Last night was not a good night. I was having a really bad night last night. I was up until 4 AM. I was very miserable. I just couldnt stop crying. I just lied in bed thinking about all my friends that are happily married with their husbands and children. I was thinking what do I have??? 2 fish, an apartment. Yes, that is good compaired to what other people have in life. I just feel as if I am being punished. Am I paying for sins of my relatives from the past??? I think about that sometimes. I did make myself get up early today. I went to the yarn store and got a great deal on yarn for chemo caps!! I am excited, I can make a ton of hats now. I mean heck what else am I going to do. Then I went and got my watched fixed. I needed a new battery. After that, I went and got groceries. So for now, I am just relaxing and going to knit more chemo hats tonight.Like the saying says... "Keep Calm and Carry Yarn!!!! That is what I am trying to do!!!

I am not sure if I want to go out tonight or not. I am thinking I should probably just stay in. I don't really have the money to do anything. Plus I find that when I do go to the group thing on wednesdays I pretty much sit there and twittle my thumbs anyways. So I would rather stay in and watch stuff on tv or the dvr. There is a yarn sale tomorrow at one of the local BK yarn stores. Should I dare go buy more yarn? Why can't I find someone to buy me yarn without me begging??? I wish there was a yarn fairy to send me high quality yarn. I need more yarn to make more Chemo caps. The ad they sent me said $40 and 40% off. How is this even possible? How could they make money if they do this??? Are they getting new stock in and need to get rid of the old stock?? I would ask but I have called twice and nobody is answering the phone. How can you run a business and not answer the damn phone??? I should probably start another hat today. I didn't knit at all yesterday. I guess depression has me not wanting to knit. Then again you would think it would make me feel better. I need to find the local post office so that I can mail out the two I made. I need to find a kinkos to copy the patten for the hats. I only have two copies andI have to send the form with the caps. Hopefully, my year or my life will get better. I looked up singles travel earlier today. I might as well see what things are out there.

I am sick of how fat I look. So I worked out a bit this morning. Used some weights and did some stretching. I have to start eating better and working out everyday. I don't like how my life is going. Sometimes, I really wish I was never born. I don't see a point of why I am here. I feel as if I am just taking up space. I mostly am just going to probably sit in my darkened apartment and watch tv. I might try to do some knitting. I want to make some more hats for my friend who just got diagoinsed with cancer. She got the two I sent her a few weeks ago. I am glad she likes them. She is a sweet and wonderful person.

I am going to make myself to think that this is a new beginning. That there is a man out there that will really love me. It's just hard at my age. I am not in my 20's anymore.

I mean hell I even felt like the damn insurance agent I was talking to today was insulting me. She was like well the years go by fast. Oh and you know how it is to have kids... Well NO you fucking bitch I don't know how it is to have kids!!! I don't have any!! I just had a failed IVF last month!!! Lets just say she wont ever be getting my business. One thing I hate this town, everyone just assumes if you are over the age of 18 that you HAVE a child!! GUESS WHAT NOT EVERYONE IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THEM!!!

I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. The only reason why I probably wont kill myself, is that I don't think I could do that to my dad. He is the only one who has ever stuck by me. I don't think he could handle it. I have tried to kill myself in the past and as you can tell I am still here. As for the g-d has a plan, I think that is a load of crap people tell you to make you feel better.

I am not a prude, but having "Doms" write me right off the bat and send me rude messages about sex is really not a way to make me your sub or getting into my pants. ( I am sure this is a run on sentence, sorry)  Also I am an adult woman. I might be a sub who is a "little" since I collect dolls, mostly Cabbage Patch and My Child dolls. I don't like being called little girl. I also will NOT call you DADDY!! That is what I call my own father!! I had a guy say cum for Daddy once in bed, I couldn't get my clothes on fast enough!! I dumped his ass right after I got my clothes on.

I think you really get to know a person by how they write to you, not just phone and meeting in person.

Also sorry but I DONT TEXT!!! I find it rude and not a way to get to know someone. If I can't hear your voice, how can I see if I am going to like a part of you??? Sorry but a man's voice is a huge turn on for me. Especially in bed.

I am just starting to find out who I am in this "world" and am still not sure if this is right for me. So if you are not pacient then I probably not the right sub for you..

Last but NOT least, I am probably NOT moving out of this damn town!! So Doms from Ohio, STOP WRITING to me!!! There is NO POINT!!!

Does life ever get easier??? I don't know how much more I can take. I know the whole thing about g-d only gives us what we can handle and all that stuff. Still I think I need a bit of a break.

I know it might sound stupid, but thank goodness I had my DVR to watch today. It is amazing what watching crap tv can do for a woman's sole. Then again, I still feel like a little girl. I feel so stupid always depending on my father to help me at my age. Sometimes, I want to just go to sleep and never wake up again. Then I wont feel like such a burden and a failure in life.

I know I shouldnt compare myself to all of my friends my age but it is hard not too. Most of them have loving husbands and children.

What do I have in my life??? Two fish, dolls and a whole bunch of yarn to knit with. Sorry but those things dont keep me warm at night or tell me I look pretty.

I am sick of crying.... I just have a feeling I will be doing more of this in the weeks ahead.

I am 100% SINGLE!!! I mean who the hell was I kidding. Thinking my vanilla was EVER going to marry me. I saw the writing on the wall. I knew it was NOT going to happen.

Then again, I don't like living in Bakersfield. I guess I will have to get used to living there now.

Plus I think I really did or do need a Dom. I was also probably to much for him in bed. :) I am sure the hell glad I kept my apartment. At least now, I have a bunch more yarn to knit with . I am making Chemo hats for charity. So at least I don't feel like I am being selfish.

I sure hope there is a Dom, or guy out there for me. I never thought I would be 38 and starting over again single. At least I didn't have a child with him. I think g-d knew he was not the right guy for me. Or else the IVF would of worked.

I am taking my doll collection and all of my yarn back to Bakersfield. I just hope I can handle the heat... I don't do well in really hot weather. :(

To new beginnings......

I went to Vegas this past weekend. I had a pretty fun time. I saw Paula Poundstone in concert. She was funny and I enjoyed the show. I won and lost money. My vanilla still wont marry me. I don't think that will ever happen. Let's just say I am sick of schleping my damn wedding dress back and forth to Vegas. Not to mention I got another dress to wear since it was about 100 degrees there.

I have also figured out I really don't have "friends" I have acquantinces. ( People I just see) but never actually hang out with. ( sorry about my spelling) I never have someone ask me for my number and be like, oh let's go shopping, or to a movie.  I think at my age, I am starting to be OK with this.  As the saying goes, I don't want to be part of any club that wants me.  I think most people are just not understanding my weirdness.

Anyone who has been tracking my IVF trying to get pregnant saga. The first IVF failed. My vanilla didn't want to do it again this month. I am not sure if I want to do it right away anyways. It would cost a ton of money. I am taking going to Europe, sort of money. Or a down payment on a car.
Then again, I have never gotten anything I really wanted in my life. So why think having a child was ever going to happen. Plus I don't want to raise a child on my own. For me personally, ( NOT AGAINST ANYONE DOING THIS ALONE) I don't think it is fair to the child, or myself. Plus I am not sure if he wants to do this again. I am on a wait and see type of attitude. Then again how long am I supposed to wait, to see if I am even put on his health insurance.

Oh and bad news I think I left one of the hats I made in Vegas. :( It was one of my favorites also. :( Dammit!!!

I am not sure how I feel this morning. Something tells me, I might be going back to Bakersfield to live and be single again. Vanilla, paid the money for the invetro. Then when I told him how much the meds were going to cost, he sort of sounded strange on the phone. This is usually a tip off of, the Oh Shit variety where he wants to not spend money. That is fine, he can die alone in his little apartment and be eaten by cats. I can't do this shit of guessing what he is thinking every five minutes. It is not good for me.

At least if I am single I can date, find a DOM. Hopefully have my gangbang fantasy done.... so who knows at this point... I will keep you all posted....

I just have to put myself first. I wont be young forever, right?

I took a pregnancy test this morning. Two days before I am due to get my period. I took a clue blue easy test. Those actually have the words NOT Pregnant on the answer for the test. Does this mean that society has gotten that dumb, that they can't tell the difference between one line or two???

Anyways, I am bummed. I was really hoping that this was my month to be pregnant. So this means I am going to be doing Iventro hopefully starting this month. I of course am not sure if my vanilla is really on board with it or not. I mean as we know he has lied to me in the past. I don't want to wait any longer to be a mother.

I just want to scream, "When do I get to be happy???!!!" I am so sick of feeling as if everyone else is having my dream of the happy husband and kids!!

I have to VENT!!! Ok, I know I am new to the lifestyle but is anyone sick of hearing about the fucking book 50 Shades of Gray??? Does anyone else think it is making vanilla's I mean pure vanilla's a mockary of this lifestyle???

I mean hell they were talking about it in the yarn store today!! Talking about it as if they know anything about the lifestyle at all. I know I might not know a ton, but I think I know more then just some vanilla who has read this book. These people really have no clue. They think it's only about sex. OY, VANILLA's!!!!!

I mean the writer isn't even in the lifestyle. At least the wonderful author Chelise Sinclaire is in the lifestyle and knows of what she writes. Shayla Black is also a great BDSM erotica writer.

I want to have a man who totally tells me what to do inside and outside the bedroom. Then again I am still dealing with my vanilla, who let's face it is pretty much vanilla pudding. He sort of plays rape play with me, but it's mostly talk.

Yes, I know I have been talking about this forever!!! Forgive me, it's hard when you love someone and have been with them for 6 years.

Plus, I am always horny and at least I am getting fucked on a regular basis. I just wish he would paddle me more. Let alone get me into subspace. I have only been in subspace once and it was not with him. It was with a friend.

I am not sure if I am going to do invetro in a few weeks. I am due for my period a week from saturday. I am hoping I don't get it.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope I get fucked tonight. ;)

sorry, I have not been on lately. I have had a very bad sore throat for over a week. If it is not better by tomorrow, I am going to go see the doctor.

We went to the Invetro clinic to get info. I am not sure if "he" is really on board or not. I am doing the wait and see thing for at least another month or so.

I also got some cute little pillows for the couch at walmart. They have polka dots on them. Not bad for a travel pillow that was on sale for only $3! So I thought why not get two.

I might write more in a few days.... ;)

Why is it when I am looking for a certain size double point needle I can't find them??? I mean seriously, does everyone happen to be using size 3 double points also?? I went to 3 different stores!! I had to get metal needles! I hate using metal needles!! I can't stand the metal sound!!! UGGGH!!

Also I have really bad cramps!! Yuck!!!

Well I got my period yesterday afternoon. So at least I don't have to keep waiting for it to come! Hopefully next month will be my month to get pregnant. It is a wait and see type of thing. It just stinks that I seem to see pregnant women everywhere. It's like g-d is teasing me, going ha! See what everyone else has!!!

I am very tired this morning. I am going to just relax today. I hope to start the booties for myself today. I have to work on more then one knitting project at a time. :)

Something you don't hear everyday on the news. A chase involving a tow truck!??? I think this might not happen to often  in the san fernado valley.

I am going to spend the rest of the day relaxing and knitting!!!!

Had fun this weekend in Vegas. The vanilla did what he always does. Yes, we are going to get married. So what do I do, I bring the dress, veil etc. Did we get married you ask?!! That would be NO, we did NOT get married.  I know now, that he is never going to marry me until we get pregnant.

I have decided I am going to bite the bullet and put the dress and everything else up on Ebay. I will hopefully make some money off of it. Since right now I have about $80 to my name. :(

We had fun, did the CSI experience at MGM. We loved it! I hope to do the other two cases, we didn't get to do.  We even got to wear the vests!! We did solve the case!

I got two of my dolls, a tiny stuffed lion. We named it Grissom, after CSI advisor Gil Grissom. From the earlier years. I still watch the show, it's still a great show.

We also got to see my Uncle. My Aunt was to busy so we didn't get to see her.

I was so NOT a winner at the tables. I kept getting really horrible cards. I did win $73.00 on a quarter machine, but then of course lost it on a table.

I actually had two hard drinks. I don't drink except maybe once a year. So I had a bloody mary that I actually sipped. Then I had a great drink that was at the casino next to margaritaville. It was so yummy. It was a mix of strawberry, pina colada and Rum!! OMG so yummy!!!!

We also got to finally eat a sundae at Serendipty. It was amazing!! I hope to get it again next time we are there. I had a great time. I am glad we actually did stuff this time. That I was just not set on gambling so much! Maybe I am growing up more.

Oh and it was nice, I had several people say I was 28 years old! :)

P.S. day #27 of my cycle. I know my period is coming. :( I am not happy. My period seems to be anywhere from 21-30 days. So how the heck am I supposed to track when I am ovulating???? I am glad we are going to the doctor a week from friday. Maybe I can get some answers!

How can you trust someone when you think everything out of their mouth is a lie? I don't want to think everything is a lie, I just think it is. Is this really someone I can trust enough to have a baby with? That seems to be what everyone is asking me lately.

I can't put my life on hold anymore. I had all the stuff sent to the IVF clinic . I am just going to be really really pissed if he backs out again. Many people are saying yes he will again.

Is it just a game to him? What is the point of this game? To see if he can keep me and not really put much effort in???

Well now my dad is involved and my dad says "he" better be serious about this or there will be issues!!

I am just going to sit back and see where the chips fall............

I will probably sound like a major bitch saying this but after what she did or did not do in my time of need I dont give a crap!!! I looked at my EX BFF's status on Facebook. There is no sign in her status of her boyfriend. So HAHA-- what goes around comes around Bitch!! I am sure part of it was that she is or at least she still was last year BORING as hell!!! Not to mention she only cares about herself!!

On another note, I think my period is coming!! Not a good thing since we are trying to get pregnant!! :( 

I am glad that the fertlity appointment is now less then 3 weeks away! Of course that is only a one on one with the doctor. I am going to be brining in the paperwork soon.

We went to the fertility open house last night. I walked in and told the receptionist we would be making an appointment before the night was over. Vanilla actually said yes we would be.

We sat and listened to the speal again. I sat and knitted the whole time. After it was over I talked to the Doctor a few minutes. Then the Vanilla came over and told the Doctor that yes we would be coming back for a one on one.

Filled out the paperwork, I was smart and brought some of my tests that I had done the week before. Then they could look at the results before our meeting next month. Hard to believe we still have to wait three weeks for the sit down with the doctor. I told them if anyone cancels to please call us.  Of course when we put down our birthdays the receptionist noticed and said oh you have the same birthdays. I had to bite my tounge NOT to tell her the other part of the story. I was good and didn't say anything.

I am still hoping we got pregnant from this past weekend. :) I still told vanilla either way we are going to this appointment.

Vanilla is seeing the doctor tomorrow. I told him he has to get his sperm checked out. Also his  testosterone. Then again, it is hard to believe he is doing anything without it being a lie. He knows if he is not serious I will find someone else to get me pregnant.  Vanilla knows he has to earn my trust back. It is not going to happen overnight. To bad he was to darn tired to fuck me last night.

Yesterday was a new record.... We pretty much stayed in all day and had sex. I have never had sex more then twice in one day.... We had sex 5 times, yes 5 times in one day!!! I am a bit sore, but I can't complain. Nothing says yes I am horny or yes I love your body like having sex this much.

I am going to relax and knit some more today. I am working on a white and pink afghan. I would like to finish it before next week. I have a ton of new projects that I need to start!

I am starting my friends scarf hopefully next week. I find it really nice when my friends ask me to knit them things. I don't mind knitting them things and not charging them for the yarn. I am just happy that they are going to enjoy the things I knit them.

I must really be boring people with the baby talk... I have not gotten any new emails in a few days. Oh well, I am happy and that is all the matters. It is weird to actually be happy. I am usually always upset.
Praying the happy bubble does not burst.

Something changed this morning.... wow... I actually got laid on a weekday morning!!!!! This NEVER happens!! I mean NEVER!! It is only at night or morning and evening weekend sex!!

Maybe vanilla really wants to have a baby with me!?? Also another really off the wall thing he actually said I love you ____________( insert my name here) while having said sex!! Gosh, I can hardly get an I love you out of him that does not sound like he is singing it to me! Maybe he was just so into the sex he turned into another person. Probably not since I have to beg him to paddle me. That only happens lately on a blue mood.

I am still having a little discomfort but that is fine. I am just hoping I have not missed my ovulating window.

I think he is trying harder since I told him, I am doing all the work to try to get pregnant. Either you get me pregnant or I will find someone else to knock me up!!!

Anyways off to the knitting store for the day!!! I am making wash clothes. I know boring, why wash clothes you ask? Vanilla asked for wash clothes.  Did I mention I am knitting a star of David into them??

I LOVE my pink streaked hair!!! I am going to be keeping it for awhile unless I decide to do another color later on.

The procedure went well. It hurt a TON!! I know child birth will hurt more. At least in child birth I will hopefully have drugs!! I found out that MY LEFT TUBE WAS TOTALLY CLOSED!!! Luckily the doctor doing the procedure and opened it up!!! YEAH HAPPY DANCE!! Now let's hope that this is all we need!! I am praying I can get knocked up this weekend. I am ovulating!!!

I want to thank everyone who has been so sweet and wrote me with their love and support!!! It means the world to me!!! xoxooxx

I will keep you guys posted if anything changes!!!

I will try to write more tomorrow... I need to go rest...

P.S. I also got my hair done... this time I went with pink streaks!! I love it!!!

Oh and Aleve does not work as well as they say it does!!!
 Then again I don't think it is meant to have a tool pushed up into my tubes to open them up for sperm!!

I am scared about my procedure I am having a HSG today. It is like an X Ray with dye. At least that is what it says online. I know they are just saying it will feel like strong cramps. I am hoping it wont be as bad as the tech who took my blood last week made it seem.

It is amazing the things I am willing to do to be a mother!! Guys out there it is not just having a dude fuck me and put his swimmers in me. I am not sure if it is me having the issues or my vanilla. Since we have been trying for over a year. Then again, I think before he was really not that into getting me pregnant. He seemed to always be pulling out.

I am wondering if next week at the fertility clinic he is really going to put down money so we can have a one one one with the doctor. I refuse to wait any longer to be a mother!

I mean hell he already ruined one of my dreams, I wont let him ruin another one!!!

P.S. Asshole with two profiles, I think you should take the one that is OLD off of Collarme. You know the one with you not smiling and that looks like you have blonde hair!!!  Also you owe me an apology you Jerkoff!! Then again I am sure you don't have the balls to do that!!!

Wow I am not sure if I am more mad at myself or more mad at the ASSHOLE who has been playing me for what a month or so?!! Yes, it took me awhile to figure it out. The pictures were different enough that I didn't put two and two together.  The thing that got you caught was the line NOTHING BUT GOOD VIBES!! You used something like that under your OTHER profile!! That is NOT a common saying!

Is this normal?  Do lots of Doms or so called Doms have more then one profile? I heard of subs playing games, but Doms???  I have been honest with everyone on here. Geez, sorry to expect the same thing from someone I have been chatting with via emai on here.

I AM  REALLY GLAD I DID NOT START THAT GREEN SCARF YOU WANTED!!!

I am so glad that I NEVER am going to go out to New Jersey because I don't  want to end up in a landfill or have my skin worn as a hat!!!

Do you do this with other subs? Wow and to think I actually enjoyed our emails!!! I really hope you are NOT playing these games with other subs on here!!

I might be more vanilla then sub, but I do NOT deserve to be played for a fool!!! I have one guy playing with my emotions, I really don't need another one doing it!!!

So I think from now on I am going to just stick to chatting in the chatrooms ONLY!!!  If I change my mind about the vanilla and decide to actually talk to a Dom about being my Master I will let you know!!!

Sorry nothing major to write this week... at least nothing so far. Not looking forward to Thursday. Going in for the test to see how my tubes look.

Went to the farmers market today. Got some peach cobbler. I can't wait to try it.

I can't have sex  until after the test is taken, so it's sort of hard right now. Since I am always horny!! I can wait until I am done with the test. :)

I bought myself the most amazing yarn yesterday. It is this beautiful hot pink!! I can't wait to buy myself some more yarn later in the week. I get money! Yeah, I can't buy a ton but at least I can budget for a bit more yarn.

Oh also on a very cool note, one of my favorite tv shows of the 80's is FINALLY coming out on DVD!! They are finally putting Starman on DVD!!! Yes, they did make a tv show starting Robert Hayes and C.B. Barnes in the late 80s. I am going to order it later in the week.

Is it really wrong of me to keep thinking about someone when I will probably never meet him? That I am still with the vanilla and this person keeps popping into my thoughts? Is that totally horrible? Is that a form of cheating?

I saw the movie Jeff who still lives at home. I recommend it to anyone who wants to see a good movie. It is sort of a dramedy.

Well I got my period twice this month!!! Wow not just once but twice!! This does not help me in the trying to get pregnant department. I seem to have gotten it in about 21 or 22 days. Which I read is normal, but heck isn't once a month enough?? I guess it might be stress related.

I am starting to get some tests done. I am getting even more blood drown today. I guess they need to keep doing tests to see why I am not getting pregnant and  if it's me and not him.

I had a nice time with my dad yesterday. ( Yes the REAL one). I don't have a DOM.  He is being very supportive. He knows that at the age of 38 I am both serious and ready to have a baby. I do want to give him a grandchild.

My Dad also said that if the Vanilla totally flakes out on me and is not serious about getting me pregnant that he would pay for one set on invetro if I need it.

I am not going to lie if the Vanilla flakes I do have my eye on one Dom that I would love to get me pregnant.... Mind you he is on the other side of the country and would have to fly me out there.... If he is reading this I hope he can figure out who he is.... ( hint you need to change your facebook picture)!

Now it looks like the test I need to take might have to be put off because either the tech is not there or they are booked!!!

Whatever happened to sperm meets egg????

If I had a nickle for every person who stood in front of their mirror and took a picture using their cell phone I would be RICH!!!!

I mean seriously you can't ask someone to take a picture of you? I know you probably don't want someone knowing you are on this site, but still don't you know anyone at all that can take a decent picture of you? When you use your phone you mostly just see the flash. Or the cell phone in front of your face.

So please try to find a picture of yourself that you can put on here that does not have your cell phone as your head.

Also what is it with all the penis pictures? Some of us girls like to be suprised. So stop showing us your dicks, it is nice to unwrap the present so to speak..... :)

I had a fun weekend. Did a whole bunch of things. I started a new baby afghan for a friend of mine. I am hoping to finish it in about two weeks or less. I want to make it about medium sized so she can use it for awhile.

I went to the gyno again for a blood test today. I am not sure if the spotting I have is the fact I am getting my period early or hopefully that I am pregnant. Hoping I am pregnant but knowing my luck, I am getting my period.

At least my dad said he is fine if I end up having a baby alone. He said he would help me. I find that very sweet and supportive.

My on again off again vanilla seems to be saying he wants us to have a baby. I am going to be thinking that he is serious about this and that it is a good sign.

Just got back from the gyno. I was told my tubes look good. I also got an ultra sound. That was also good. I am going back in tuesday for some type of test. Then I guess some other test next month. I don't care what they need to do. Just tell me when to be there and what I need to do.

The doctor seemed nice. He answered my questions. It is weird, I have not had a male doctor in  a really long time.

I am just hoping, for what happens in the future...

The question is, does G-d see a baby in my future?? I guess only time will tell.

Did I mention, I was bad yesterday and ordered yarn online?? I have an addiction to yarn lately. I love making scarves and afghans. I don't think I can ever have enough yarn.

I am going to the gyno today. Not my favorite thing to do. I don't know of any woman who likes going to the gyno. I mean yeah, you might like medical play, but I mean the real gyno is different.

I have written down my last 6 cycles and hopefully will have a normal checkup. I am not sure if I want to get birth control just in case things fall apart with the vanilla again.

I want to have a baby. I want to have one with him. I just want us both to get checked out. We have been trying for over a year. He needs to get his sperm checked. He says he is going to next month when he goes for his physical.

I also looked into us going to the fertility clinic again. Just to get the info again. If he  does not want to get us tested together and really look into getting pregnant, I am not sure what I am going to do.

Do I let him go, and find someone who wants to start something new with me? I am going to have to really do some soul searching in the next few weeks.

Dear Douchebag, mouthing something to me as you cut around me is NOT going to make me go more then 80 on the freeway!! Yes, you the douchebag who had your little dodge neon you had the same color as Bummble Bee from Transformers!!! I mean really is your penis really that tiny??? That you had to say such a rude thing to me?? I mean seriously if you are in that much of a hurry, you should of left earlier!!!!!!

I am trying to get things done today. I guess you can say I am pumped up on coffee. I am sure this in NOT decaf I got today at my favorite bagel shop. I am really amped up!!

I am doing laundry again. I seem to always be doing laundry!!!! I come back to find the bathroom floor wet! I don't know why the hell my stupid apartment complex wont fix my shower?? I have asked and it is not happening. That is fine don't blame me, if the stupid bathroom floor gets all icky!!!

I treated myself to a bag of my favorite Inka nuts!!! Yummy!!

I have restarted my afghan over again. I seem to restart afghans a lot lately. I have a feeling this one is going to take me awhile. I have 6 skeins of yarn for this one. I am not in a hurry to finish it, I just know it will take awhile.

Have you ever looked back on your life and thought you would be at a different place in your life? Or starting thinking about where you would be ten years from now?

I am thinking at this point, hell am I even going to be alive in ten years? I honestly can't picture where I would be ten years from now. It is really weird. I always thought I would of had a child or children by now.

So my point is where do I go from here? Everyone has a path in life, I just don't have a clue where my path is. Or even if I find that path which way do I go?

Is trying to teach a vanilla guy to be a DOM kind of like teaching an old dog new tricks????

Do I just need to say fuck this all??? Or just say fuck off for good to Mr. Vanilla and find myself a real DOM???

I mean I don't have any major baggage unless you count my two fish. Or my doll collection.

I swear I was screaming in my head last night.... I NEED A REAL DOM, I NEED A REAL DOM!!!

I want someone who can take over my thinking. I hate to think! I want to be told what to do. I want the whole 24/7 1950s housewife thing.

I also need a DOM or just a man in general who likes to eat a woman out!!! I am sorry but I don't think it is fair to suck a man off when he asks but he wont eat me out??!!!!

I know I know, S#@T on the pot or get off of it. I think part of it is because I HATE living in Bakersfield!!! Hey if I could find a DOM who wants to get me the hell out of there then yeah!!! Since I am not sure if that is going to happen.... I might be just spinning my wheels.

Also, I need a really good spanking!!!!

I got myself some more yarn today. I was only allowed to get 6 skeins even thought I had my eye on a whole bunch more. At least I hopefully have enough to make a lap afghan.

I am watching Ski Party starring Frankie Avalon. I really wish I grew up around that time. Everything seemed so much easier back then. I mean it's not like I need a Ipad or anything.

I think part of it is because women were women and men were men. Women were not always trying to act or be like men.

I am finishing up a green and white spot scarf that I have been knitting on and off for about the past week.

I wore my new rain slicker today. I really like it. It's a really nice forrest green.

Sorry if my journal entries are boring. I mostly just write whatever happens to be on my mind at the moment.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

BITE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am happy that I am back in the OC for the moment. I am not sure if I am going to be moving back here or not. I will always be missing something if I do. Then again I will be gaining back what I love. My friends, my places that I find comforting. I just know if I spend all my time inside when I am in BK, I am going to go NUTS!!!

I am not sure what I am going to do tomorrow. I might go back to the knitting store . I can sit and chat enjoy myself.

I must be a really horrible person since part of me actually wouldn't mind meeting a  Dom for lunch.

I guess I must be more vanilla. I seem to feel as if when I go to a WW I am treated like a vanilla and not like a sub. So maybe this lifestyle is not for me. I mean hell if the vibe I am giving off is screaming Vanilla!! Maybe I am doomed to be stuck in a vanilla world.

I guess you cant have everything right??!!!

P.S. you can see a picture of my bondage Barbie on my pictures... I think it is #4...

So the song that was the theme for this trip back to BK was " If she knew what she wants by the Bangles. The Bangles were my favorite 80's girls group. I am not really a fan of the GOGO's.

I guess you can say I still don't know what I want.... hence the theme of the trip back to BK.  I listened to some very good 80's CD's in the car on the drive back. There were many of my favorites.

My friends still want me to move back home. I want to move back home. Vanilla says yeah yeah.... Then he wonders why I talk to other men?!!!

I can't wait around forever dude!!...... as our friend and neighbor would say....

I can't find my camera. I swear the thing has legs!!! It keeps moving on me. I wonder if I can low jack my camera. 

Camera was found!!

I finally got myself the bondage Barbie I wanted... I am putting a picture up here. I have a guy in the OC who makes them. I feel in love with her as soon as  I saw her. I collect Barbie's. Or at least I used too. I have a ton of them in boxes. I am waiting for the economy to go back up before I try to sell them on Ebay.

I find it weird that I  enjoy the driving when most people hate driving. I have time to think about what is going on in my life. I will be doing my driving and more thinking later in the week. I wonder if I am going to come up with any answers......

I am not sure what is going on this weekend. I hope I am going to be having some fun. I think it is supposed to be raining. I love the rain, I just don't like the fact that everything seems to shut down when it rains.

It is a good excuse to sit inside watch movies and cuddle. I seem to be hornier then usual this past week. I don't understand why when I have sex, I seem to need it even more.

For some weird reason I keep reading a series of books out of order. I have done this with at least 3 different series. So then I have to go back to book #1 after I have read books #2, or #3. I find that kind off annoying since I already know what happens to the character. I would really like it if the books could be numbered. Or put it inside the book on the first page. It should say this is book #4 out of a 5 book series.

I am hopefully going to finish my latest scarf I am working on tonight. I have many more projects I would like to start. So getting that finished would be wonderful. It is a green scarf with white dots. It will go nicely with my green army jacket.

Sorry if this journal entry is boring... besides does anyone really read my journals??? If you do can you let me know. I am curious. Thanks. :)

Yes, I am still dealing with my on again off again Vanilla.......

I had mind blowing sex last night. It had to have been some of the best sex we have had ever in the whole 6 years. He even growled. He hardly even grunts. WOW. It is weird it is just like it used to be. The only problem is that we are not living together. He seems to be using the book on S&M as a coaster. He said he has read the intro... I got it what two weeks ago???!! At least he is telling me what I can and cant eat. It really turns me on when he does that. He only let me have one mocha yesterday. I wanted two in one day... He also only let me have one shot of espresso. I think he was scared I was going to bounce off the walls more then I already do. LOL

Of course I am not sure if I can go back. I think part of me still wants to go forward. Or do I just stay with one foot in each world??? Always feeling as if something is missing?

I am doing laundry now. I seem to always be doing laundry... maybe I should just walk around naked all the time. Maybe not that means I would have to see my tummy and I do not like my tummy.

I am going to send my friend the afghan I made her. She was so sweet and offered to pay me for it. I told her it is a gift. Just use it and put a picture up on Facebook. I just hope she likes it and uses it!!!

I got myself two new porn movies today. I thought why not it was buy one get one free..... ;) So I got one that I have not watched yet but it looks funny. It is a parody of Revenge of the Nerds. I also got another Wicked movie. I do like the porn movies that have a plot line. Not that porn ever really has a plot line.

I also got myself another, yes another erotica novel. What can I say I like reading them. It has been said, it does not matter what you read as long as you are reading your brain is working.

I am happy to say I also picked up some awesome 80's CD's that have a bunch of my favorite tunes. I need something for my car when I am doing my long trips....

I am really enjoying my weekend..... :) Also is it normal that I am always horny???

I am watching one of my favorite 80's movies right now. St. Elmo's Fire. I still love it after all of these years. I have to say I will always love mostly everything about the 80's. Maybe not the leggings that were in style. I don't think anyone looks good in leggings.

I got myself a full set of knitting needles today!!! I also got myself a very pretty green and white veragated yarn. I can't wait to make myself a scarf to go with my army jacket.

I am having a very nice time. I am just not sure if this is all that I need to be happy. I am going to see what else happens.

Good Morning everyone. I had a nice day yesterday. It was a very long day, fun but long!!! I went and got my hair done. Jamie loved the idea that I wanted to put some blue in my hair. My red is darker, which I like.Then we just put a little bit of midnight blue in it. We wanted to do a darker blue because it will fade out. It looks a little black at the moment, but I am not worried. I really like how it came out. I am not sure if I am going to take any new pictures to show you what my hair looks like.

We went to our little Mexican place and I had some great crispy tacos. I am not sure what we are going to do this weekend. I am just glad I get to spend time with my friends.

I also stocked up on more music. I added Crosby,Stills,Nash and Young to my list. I got their greatest hits. I also got the Bangles,Vanessa Carlson. Yes, I like different types of music. I have a wide variety of tastes in music. Don't judge a book by the cover.

I still have my cold. I am not sure if it is going to be gone soon. I hope it is, I don't like being sick.

I am stil not feeling well today. My throat feels better but now I seem to have a little cough. I get to play skiball today. I am happy about that. I am trying to get a ton of tickets. I want to save up and get one of the really big prizes. I know I can just go out and buy one of the big prizes. I am sure part of the reason I play is because I want to beat my high score which is now 260,000.

I am happy I get to see my friends tomorrow!!! Happy Dance!!! I miss them so much!!! I am also getting my hair done. I miss Jamie. I hope she is going to let me do something fun and maybe a little wild. My hair is probably going to stay red, but I might want to do a different type of red. Or maybe put some type blue streak in it. I am not sure. It's my hair, and I want to be a bit wild with it. I dont have to worry about doing something to wild, since it's not like I have to go on a job interview. So I am going to do it!!!

I also am going to make sure I get some new knitting needles!! I missed my chance since I went to this one shop on the day they were closed. I want to get more KnitPick's probably size 6,7,9. I am going to finish up my friends afghan hopefully this weekend.

I am not sure what the on and off again and I are going to do this weekend. I just hope we are going to have some fun!

I dont feel well today. I woke up and my throat is feeling even worse then it did yesterday. Not to mention I got my period this morning. So I feel even worse. So today thank goodness I saved some of my matza ball soup. I will be having that for lunch. Why do some people seem to get pregnant just by looking at each other??? I have friends who already have 4 or 5 children. I am venting here people, this does NOT mean that I want you to write me and offer to fuck me and get me pregnant.

I am watching a new show on tv, this woman who is the "star" of the reality show is so classless!! I have to say anyone who says the word "tits" or "titties" it so soooo vulguar and rude! Whatever happened to calling them breasts, boobs, melons or I will be ok with tatas. I mean seriously women are NOT cows. Regardless of how large a woman is.

I think today I am going to doing some reading and try to work on the afghan I am making for my friend.

I really hope I feel better by tomorrow. I am sure part of it is because I am not sleeping very well. I cant seem to sleep more then about 5 or 6 hours lately. I am going to try to take a nap later this afternoon.

P.S. is it normal to always be horny???

I had a good weekend. Went out to dinner on Friday night. Which was nice for a change. I wanted to show the "Whatever he is" where I went for WW. I know he knew it was not going to be a bad place. We had fun had a nice dinner and played some ski ball and pool. Of course he beat me at pool. I am not a very good pool player. I like playing it though. I actually got a ball in!!

I can't say that I am happy the way things are at the moment. If I did I would be lying. So for now I will I am going to try to deal with my life one day at a time.

I am still not pregnant. Which gets me more depressed every time I get my period.
It seems as if everyone else can get pregnant so easily. Then I think if he can't even get me pregnant, why am I dealing with his bull stuff anymore??! I want to go to a fertility clinic. He keeps saying next month.

It upsets me when I hear people who have children say, "Oh, you dont want to deal with kids." "You don't want to deal with their crying, or them ruining their clothes with spit up." That really gets me pissed off. I want to scream and say ok asshole, what is your dream?!! Can I crap all over your dream???

This week at least I get to relax. I did my laundry last night so that I didnt have to do it today.

I am going to sit and watch some tv shows, and have my matza ball soup. I might look into trying to get the whole series of "Cold Case" on DVD. I am not sure if I can find it, but it is one of my favorite series. I was sad when they took it off the air. It was a great series.

I just watched an episode of one of my new favorite shows, Breakout Kings. I found it great that one of the cons had to pretend to be a Mistress to a man who was a Slave to get info about a prisoner!

I had to say it was very hot! I knew I loved this show!! I am watching this whole season now before it starts season #2. Gosh have I missed having cable!!

I am going to get my hair done next week. My friend and hairdresser called me today. She asked when I was going to come in to see her again. I said hopefully this coming week. I have to keep my hair looking good to feel good, right?

Tomorrow is Friday, I am glad that I can just sit and relax.  I am working on a new afghan for my friend. I found it very sweet that she asked me to make her one.

I have a few projects that I am working on. I do love making afghans and it makes me happy when someone I care about uses them.

P.S. I have a new pic up of me in my school girl outfit if you have not seen it, it's pic #4!

New picture up... Pic #4 of me in my new school girl outfit. :)

I hope I still look young enough to be a school girl. :)

I was very bad today.. I went shopping... I know I shouldn't of but they had some great deals. Plus I really missed my old mall. I got myself a new top. I hope it looks nice. I am keeping the receipt just in case. I also got a cute sweatshirt that has the number 89 on it. I thought it was cute and why not for $10. I can wear it with jeans and still look adorable. ;)

Finally got myself a new silver chain. It was a bit more then I wanted  to spend but I have a ton of charms and i needed a good chain for them.

I got two toy baby doll bottles for two of my smaller dolls. They look so cute with their new bottles. My new cabbage patch kid has a whole in his mouth so it looks like he is really drinking. So cute, I have to say!

I went to the Disney Store, I am glad I did. I looked at Dolly from Toy Story up close. I decided she was not cute enough to be part of my collection.

I  went to one of my favorite places for lunch. I had an amazing chicken salad. The good news is that it is only about 250 calories. I have got to start watching what I am eating.  I say one day at a time.  I am now wearing my size 16 jeans. I don't mind that so much. What I mind is my tummy. I need to cut back and start working out. My tummy is the part of my body I  would like to shrink a bit.

I was a bummed that the yarn store I was hoping to pick up interchangeable needles was closed!!! So I guess I will have to order them again online. It isnt a huge deal. I just was hoping to pick some new needles up.

Anyways I am glad I had a fun day. I get to hang out with my friends for one more night. I hope to come back in  a few weeks.  We really miss each other.

They told me to tell my vanilla ex that it was better for me to stay one more day because of the weather. ;)

I feel as if I am coming and going at the same time. As people keep telling me I have one foot in vanilla land and one foot slowly going over to the kink side.

People have also told me that I cant turn my vanilla EX into a DOM. I think they might be right on some points. I guess it is like trying to turn a pinto into a  race car with string and unleaded gas.

Yes, at times I know I am driving all of you guys who read my journal nuts. I say if I am feel free to stop reading it.

I have a few Doms I am more then willing to meet with. The only problem is they are always busy. Or they live to darn far away!! Plus if I am still dealing with the EX. I cant meet anyone except during the week! I cant exactly say sorry honey,. I am going to meet a Dom. I did tell him and our friend that I could of met with someone while I was down here. Our friend said "Dude", your boyfriend is sitting right here." Our friend calls everyone "Dude". Anyways it did not seem to faze the EX.  Or course nothing seems to faze him.

Also why the fuck am I feeling guilty? He is the one who left me at the alter an hour before our wedding on our joint birthday!!

I seem to want to stay with him, because I am scared of the unknown. So maybe I should just be on here for chat. If a DOM really wants to meet me. I will wait for them to contact me. Since the only one I actually met with was not in the place to do anything.

I guess for me I have to be the person on the outside waiting for someone to pull me through the looking glass. So who wants to pull me through the looking glass?

Well I am in Vanilla Land right now. I have to say I am glad that I am spending time with my friends. I have missed them a ton. Part of the time I am with my EX he bores me!! I mean paint drying boring. Then other times he turns into the loving sweet man I still love. We went into a new sex shop in the OC. He walked in and I swear it was like I am in a hardware store. BORED, BORED, BORED, Who the Fuck walks into a sex store and looks as if they are waiting to get a root canal?!?!?! He does... or at least did.

The good news is, he bought me the most adorable school girl outfit!! I cant wait to wear it. Yes it is a big size but I was told they run small. Not to mention I feel really sexy in it!!

It is called Wicked Chamber if anyone is looking for a new sex store in the OC. They have a wonderful staff that are friendly and helped me a ton!!

I am going to go back there tomorrow and maybe pick myself up a few more goodies before I head back.

I think now I totally need a Dom. It seems as if the Doms I seem to be interested in Flake as soon as I show any interest. Is that normal in this lifestyle???  Plus don't Doms or men in general still like the chase?? Sorry but I for one like to be chased a little.  I am sure part of the reason i have not met more then one potential Dom in real life is that I am scared!

Who knows what the future holds for me in or outside of this lifestyle. All I know is I cant  do boring vanilla stuff anyone. It is like something inside me woke up after a very long sleep!  It wants to come out and play.

 I gave him the EX S&M 101 to look at. So far he says he has only read the intro.

Are people on here just lazy or what? Why is it so hard to read an F-ING profile???  I do NOT want to fuck your husband, boyfriend, DOM or house plant!!  I wrote that I dont do Poly, eventhought I seem to keep getting asked if I do.

  I dont understand why people want to add someone else to the mix. If you want to add another person why the hell dont you just swing? At least that way you dont have to worry about the sub getting jealous.  You can lie to yourself all you want, but guess what at some point in your POLY relationship someone is going to get jealous!!!  SO STOP WRITING TO ME AND ASKING IF I AM POLY! I AM NOT POLY!!! I DONT WANT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBAND,BOYFRIEND,DOM OR HOUSE PLANT!!!

 On another topic. I am very upfront about my situation. I end up talking to Doms and as soon as I show any interest at all they flake. So I am wondering should I just stay in vanilla land???

  One other point... What part of the fact I AM ONLY ATTRACTED TO WHITE MEN dont you Doms get????  I am sorry that is my type DEAL WITH IT~~~

  Yes, I know I am on here. Partly because I want to chat with people. Also I am so new to this I like to talk to people in the lifestyle.

 I dont know if I will ever get the guts to meet another Dom. I hope I will, but then again when I want to they seem to lose interest or flake. So I am taking things on a day by day basis.

I woke up very horny this morning. I had another one of my gang rape FANTASIES.   I seem to be more turned on lately. It sucks that I cant do anything about doing a real gangbang. (GUYS THIS IS FANTASY........ I DONT MEAN I WANT TO BE RAPED AT THE MOMENT) I am still stuck as I say between a rock and a hard place. The on again off again, said this morning I am his and I cant fuck anyone else. I am not sure if I like that or not. I mean I like that he wants me for himself, but is he doing that so I wont cheat or leave him for good???

At least he is starting to get a bit into the whole BDSM stuff. I think I really need this. I cant go back to being pure vanilla anyone. It is on my mind all the time lately.

I wouldnt ever tell him about the fact I met a potential dom this week. He does know that I am going out tonight. I am not sure if he remembers if its for the munch or not. He told me before he didnt want me to go. I think he knows nothing is going to happen in public. Plus I really want to play pool and skiball!

I met my first real life Dom last night. We met in public took seperate cars etc. He was a really nice guy. I had a feeling we would get along fine. We talked for awhile. We even played a little. I didnt feel guilty because it was not at all sexual and I felt as if I was also meeting a new friend. Someone I could actually talk to on a normal level.

Anyways he called me at around 6:30 AM this morning and we talked. This was after we were together until almost 2:00AM. I think maybe he felt weird playing or even talking with me, because he said he kept thinking I was sad. So I have a feeling I wont hear from this Dom again. I was happy that I had someone willing to train me, until I got the phone call. I dont think he wants to train me or even be friends. So I guess you can say I am disappointed and maybe even a little sad.

I find it rare that you actually meet someone and feel comfortable to talk to them about anything and everything. I am hoping he calls again so we can chat. If not I will just chalk it up that at least I got to meet someone that was supposed to just be a flash in my life.

I  had a nice weekend. I have to say sometimes it is nice to just relax and get away from the computer.

I watched the movie Secretary again.  I remembered most of it.  I am not sure if this site is right for me or not.

  I am starting to think I am always on here because I am lonely during the day and enjoy talking to people.

It is also nice to get some of my thoughts out on "paper" or at least what used to be paper in the good old days.

I am doing the back and forth stuff still. So if you dont want to write to me I understand. I guess it's hard to break away from someone you feel so comfortable and close to. At least I am starting to have some rougher sex. I got to wear both of my new teddies this weekend. I felt very sexy in both of them. I think I enjoy wearing the red one more.  I had one of the most intense orgasms this weekend when I was restrained being "raped" and being called a whore.

On the other hand I am sick of feeling as if I am going around and around like a mouse on a wheel.  Still hearing the same promises that are NOT coming true.

The singer that best goes with my life so far is Billy Joel. I bought two of his greatest hits albums this weekend. It is amazing that I can remember where I was when I heard most of the songs. What part of my life I was at. Who I was friends with, what they meant or still mean to me.

I also got 3 pink roses for Valentine's Day. Of course he didnt even remember they were the same ones that I had for our wedding that he stood me up for!! Dumb Ass. I know it was nice of him to even get me any at all.

I bought myself a pretty black dress with flowers on it. I cant wait to wear it. I might wear it next week. Or maybe even this weekend.

I bought the movie Secretary. I do love the movie. I am glad someone reminded me of it last week.

I decided to get the book SM 101 to read all about the lifestyle and to see if I am getting in over my head or not.

I do have to say I had a great weekend. I am pretty sure that my ex and I are not meant to be. I mean heck even all of my friends said I should try to find someone with a personality!!!

I am just worried that if I blow him off forever I will lose touch with my friends. One of them asked if he will see me in a few weeks or not. So I guess I could always have a Dom on the side right? Then again I want to get married and have children and I dont see my EX as that guy who is going to give them to me.

More later....

I bought myself lingerie. I was happy since I found out that it was on sale. I ended up getting two for the price of one. I got one in red and one in black. They are a little baby doll with a lace and sheer robe.  I hope I can find some nice Dom to show them off to. ;)

I also found a cute white tee shirt that looks like it has a corset in the front. I wonder what it is going to look like with some jeans. I will try it on later in the week.

I have finally come to the mind set that yes I need a DOM, Master. I cant do vanilla anymore. I am pretty much bored out of my mind!!!! Even my friends are telling me to go for it. So why not go for it! I just have to find someone I feel comfortable with. I mean I am giving up all control after all. Or do I still get to keep some of it?

I probably wont be back online until Late Wed. So if you want to get in touch with me here leave a message. I will try to answer you. ;)

I had fun tonight. I went to a munch. It was nice to talk to people who are in the lifestyle. I had not gone for months. Since the one again off again didnt want me to go. I am starting to think I really need to find a Dom or Master to help me learn more about being a sub. I am not sure if that means I am a 1950's type sub with a little girl inside of me.  I know those of you who have red my journals. My dolls mean the world to me and they go with me. :) I dont think I could do the whole 24/7 thing. Then again I have not done much so who knows.

I do know I want to be taken care of so I dont have to worry about money and bills. I mean heck I felt guilty buying a salad tonight for dinner!!! 

I am not sure if I am into the lifestyle only because I want to be controlled in bed. Then again I seem to like being told what to do. I do want to wear a Doms collar someday. I just need to make sure this Dom knows I want children and want to be a housewife too. If the Dom isnt in to wanting that then I wont be the right sub for him. I need a Dom who also wants to teach me. I dont know that much, only what I have read in my BDSM erotica and talking to others at the munches.

Then I think maybe I am asking for to much and wont find it here.   I guess you can say I am going to hopefully be talking to a few Doms.... :)

I am starting to feel as if I am torn between what I have now that I love and what I think I might need.  The now on again off again seems to be on again. Which I guess is a good thing. I love him. He says he loves me and that I belong to him.

Then again, he is pretty much straight vanilla. I am trying to get him into a little kink, but that only seems to be a little talking. He has tied me up to the bed, so I guess that is a start. :) He does not want to do the whole Dom/sub thing.

Then again he has said he is going to move me back for over a month and a half. He does not seem to want to get married. So do I keep spinning my wheels and maybe make the chance of me having children fall away? Or do I give up on him and move on? I am scared of the unknown mostly. As if I give up on someone who I have been with for almost 6 years for maybe finding someone who will give me all I want and need.

I guess it will as it always has been in my life a wait and see thing, until the other shoe drops.

Well the weekend was ok. Went to the street faire they have in this town. I picked up a few things. I got myself 3 new candles. I think that is starting to be one of the things I like collecting now. They look pretty and some of them actually have a nice smell.

I picked up a really pretty stone necklace. The only problem is I broke the rubber cord. So I had to put it on another chain. I am glad I got to wear it yesterday.

I also had a friend fix my afghan that feel off the needles!! So I can hopefully finish it this week! I want to finish this one since I have about two or three other projects I would like to start and or continue.

Anyone who knits, sews, or any other type of project knows that everyone has more then one thing going at a time!!

I watched a whole bunch of the shows on my DVR. Yes, I am watching the superbowl. I am taping it so i can watch the commericals later. I saw the Ferris Bueller commerical earlier and I found it funny that my old next door neighbor is in it. He plays the valet.

I am not sure what is happening for valentine's day. I am on a wait and see type attitude.

I am hoping for roses.

 <-----------I feel this way all the time. As if I am drowing and cant get any air.

 Does anyone read my journals? I am wondering if the people that read my journals are my admires? Can someone please let me know if this is true. If it is I thank those of you who read my words.

I have to say lately I have been having mixed feelings about this site. Since I am not sure if this is the right site for me. I have talked to a bunch of doms but have yet to meet any. I have enjoyed talking to the doms I have chatted with. I enjoy the chatrooms but I dont undestand how people go into them and dont actually "chat".

I have dyed my hair RED. I am not used to it yet. I have only had it for about 2 weeks. It is bright so I am not sure if it looks real or totally fake. I am using a red shampoo to try to keep the color longer.

I also polished my nails. I did a dark purple with a white crackle color over the dark purple. I really like how they came out so I will have to remember to do it again.

I am still torn about feeling guilty about my deep dark fantasies about being gangraped. I know this is not a good thing to have a fantasy about but I do. I guess it does not matter, since I dont have the guts to do anything about it anyways.

I am starting to feel as if I am starting to understand myself more now that I have just turned 38. Then again I still feel like a little girl who wants someone to take care of her. Someone who understands that my dolls mean the world to me. That they dont think its wierd. So does this make me a little? Do I really want a Daddy Dom who is ok with my rape fantasies? If somone can help me figure this stuff out it would be great. OH AND YES I AM SCARED TO MEET ANYONE IN REAL LIFE STILL!!!

I went to Las Vegas for a day. I had a fun time. I of course lost money. I mean really who goes to Vegas and thinks they are actually going to come back with more money then they left with???

I am happy to say I saw my Uncle this morning before I drove back. I have not seen him in a year. It is amazing how he tells me what is important and what isnt. I guess because he is NOT my father lol.

Also I got myself a new "Baby", I named her Josie. She has light sandy blonde hair and green eyes like her mommy!( I'm her mommy) I had to get her because not only is she so cute, she has a tooth!! I dont have a Cabbage Patch Doll with a tooth!!!

I also talked the guy down by about $20 on her. I collect Cabbage Patch Dolls so I know how much they go for!! The guy actually wanted me to pay $45 for her! She was NOT in a box!! If she was in a box I could understand. Plus in this economy, are you serious! Wouldnt you rather make a sale??? Not to mention she is going to love living here. :)

Yes, many people might think it is weird for me to call them my babies, but I dont have any real babies YET. So they are my child substitues.

Of course then again my Uncle said, kids are not all they are cracked up to be.

I had a fun Birthday. I went to Disneyland. My favorite place on earth!! I am thinking about getting myself a yearly pass. I have to save up my pennies. Unless I can find some nice guy who wants to buy me a yearly pass. :)

I finally got myself a FuzzBall! They finally made one!! If you are wondering what a FuzzBall is, it's the little animal that flys around in the Captain EO movie. Of course this FuzzBall is much bigger then the little creature that is in the movie.

I am still hoping that this year will be a better one then last year. I dont know why now it is so hard to meet a nice guy who does not let me down. I wish I lived back in the early 50's when you met a guy in high school, married then and had a few kids.

I didnt think at the age of 38, I would be living in Bakersfield with no husband and no children.

This is so not where I thought my life would be at this moment.

On a happy note, I had a bunch of friends who were very sweet and sent me some chocalate covered strawberries. These are friends I have not seen in almost 20 years. Friends I have known since I was in my early teens. They all got together and sent them to me. I felt very loved. It is nice to know who your real friends are.

So did anyone else watch the pagent on saturday night? I have to say I did get 8 out of 15 in the top 15. So I have to give myself a pat on the back for that! I did have the winner in that top 8!!!

Anyways, did anyone else think the pagent has gotten a bit skankier? I am sorry but I dont think that the contestants should show cleavage in the evening gown catagory!

 Not to mention I am sorry but some of the little things they put down under the contestants in the talent area was so lame!!! I dont care if one of them has 800 followers on twitter!!! Or if one is afraid of windmills? I mean seriously scared of windmills? Is she scared one is going to come alive and eat her???

The whole show has NO class anymore!! It just came off as slimy scanks!!! They need to go back and look at the 50's-60's pagents. Those were classy ladies!! I am sure this has to do with the fact, I love the 50's and 60's. Yes, I did watch the whole pagent, but was not impressed with the women. If I had a daughter I would NOT have her look up to any of these so called women.

It also looked to me as if they all had the same rinoplastie and breast augmantations!!! I swear it looked as if they all had the same nose!!!   P.S. I think the winner actually had her real nose!!

My Birthday is cuming up on the 22nd of January. I am thinking about going to Disneyland. It is my favorite place to spend my Birthday! I mean heck it has to be better then last year right!?

I am not sure if I am going to buy myself something pretty for my Birthday. I have already bought myself enough yarn this month. I might buy myself a pretty outfit. I have not gone shopping lately.

I have to admit i am not really looking forward to this birthday. I thought at this age I would be married with two children. Not living alone in an apartment with two fish. Dont get me wrong, I love my fish Skeeter and Skooter. I just cant tuck them in bed at night and have them say " I love you Mommy."

Not to mention, I am always horny lately!!!

More later..... ;)

Why don't Doms have photos or even profiles? Are you hiding from the FBI, CIA or Green Peace? Or are you secretly married and are scared your wife has a profile on here and will find you?

   Anyways, it is the new year and I am still trying to figure out what I want out of life. I still want to see the world. Of course on my budget I dont think this will happen anytime soon.

I want to know what you men out there are really looking for. Also put up a fucking picture and a real profile!!

Ok, Doms if you say you are going to call, that should actually mean a phone call. NOT A TEXT. I am old fashioned I don't know how to TEXT, I like to actually hear a man's voice. I think a voice can tell a lot about a person. Or maybe it is because I used to be receptionist and I am used to voices. I think a TEXT is not personal!! So please if you say you are going to call, please call not TEXT.

I am feeling a bit better. I think it might also be because I am watching my favorite tv show of all time on the SyFy channel now. The origional "V"! I can watch this show over and over again and never get sick of it.

I should probably mention since I have not done this before, I am NOT giving up on my dream of having children someday, so if you dont want children or have a bunch of them and dont want more, then I am not sure if I would be the SUB for you.

I have tried the whole vanilla way of dating and I dont think it is for me anymore. Plus I dont think many men are ok with the whole "rape" fantasy. Since society tells us that it is dirty and wrong. Dont get me wrong, I dont want to really be raped. That is WRONG. I just want to do it in a safe enviroment. Especially since I am still only getting my feet wet in the whole BDSM world!

I can't wait until the stupid holiday season is over. I am having a really hard time this year. I have never really cared for this time of year. I think this has been the worst year of my life, Chanukkah and New Years mean nothing to me. I am trying to deal with my depression as best as I can, but I think I am just going to cry it out. Of course then again all I have been doing is crying lately.

Not to mention all of the holiday stuff on tv isnt making me feel any better, it is actually making it worse.

I think after the holiday season I am going to buy myself something pretty, since this year I know for a fact I wont be getting any presents from anyone. I am not saying I need them, just when you give something to someone you thougth cared about you, and get nothing. It really really hurts. Let's just say I am really glad that I returned all of the other things I got for that person! I might treat myself to a massage in the beginning of next year!

I sure the hell hope 2012 is better then this year has been, this past year has been the worst of my life!!! Why is it so hard!!! :(

Single and looking for a good Dom, inside and outside of the bedroom. Like I stated on my profile, I only like white men! Sorry....

I am very very new to all of this so I dont know most of the rules etc. I have mostly only been tied up in rope.

Are there any decent doms in southern california that want a relationship? Not just to beat and fuck me?

Sometimes I wonder if there are any decent men in the world.

I want to get kinky, just need someone to get kinky with. :)

Dear Bakersfield, Two lanes is NOT a highway! It is a street!!! Also stop complaining about traffic! There is NO traffic! Try going on the 405 freeway at 8:00, that is where you will find REAL traffic!!! Bumper to Bumper not moving cant change lanes, cars honking!!

That is what I call real traffic!!!

Oy Vey!!

On a happy note, I got a game I bought full price, cheaper at another Gamestop!! So I returned the full price one, and saved about $7.00! Score!!! Oh and I found a new game that I didnt even know existed!!! Happy Dance!!

I was not feeling the Christmas spirit at all this year. I just watched a show on the OWN network called Being Santa. It was such a wonderful Christmas show. It is nice to see that people really do care about others and keep the Christmas spirit alive.

I dont really want to many things this year, just a few. I am not sure if I will get anything on my list, but if I don't its ok. I have a roof over my head and family that love me.

I am just trying to understand myself more, and try not to worry as much as I used too.

Went out with my dad today. We went out to lunch and grocery shopping. A girl can never have to many starbucks mocha's.... :) I have a headache. So I took some pain meds. Hopefully it will go away soon.

CRAP CRAP CRAP!!! MY DVR DELETED ITSELF AGAIN!!! I know this might be stupid to many people, but when I try to tape things so I can watch them on my own time and everything gets deleted. I sort of get angry!! I am thinking maybe I should just go back to using a darn VCR and tapes!!! At least then I can watch them and delete them when I want!!!

 I would like to meet a Dom and see if the two of us connect.

Also as I said once before.... You must be ok with my doll collection!

I NOW HAVE HEAT!!! YEAH!!! It is amazing how the little things in life are missed when you dont have them!!

I am just relaxing right now. Going to enjoy the day by myself and just watch stuff on tv.

Is there actually a Dom out there who is ok with a 1950's/Little type sub? I am still trying to figure out what I am in this lifestyle. I am not playing with anyone now. I am just asking ?'s mostly.

I dont want to be beated with a cane or anything that harsh. I am fine with being tied up and flogged.

I like to take care of the men I am with. So I want a dom I can take care of. I dont know maybe I am thinking to much about this lifestyle.

I am just going to take things one day at a time. I seem to be doing that a lot lately, and I just want to be happy again.

P.S. The dom I do end up with MUST be ok with my doll collection or else it wont be a good match. They are VERY important to me!!

Oh and yes I own a Chucky Doll.... giggles :)

Starting my life over again in a new town. Starting to make friends and find my way around. I am trying I guess to find my way in life again. I guess I am looking for a firm hand to show me the way in the BDSM world as well.

I have heard I might be a little, since I love my doll collection. I know some doms or men might think that is weird or soemthing, but they mean a lot to me.

Everyone has their thing and my dolls are my thing.

I am also treating myself to watching the Muppet movie tomorrow. I happen to love the Muppets, they make me feel happy. These days I need to be happy!!!

Well this week is Thanksgiving. I have to admit not one of my favorite holidays. I am going to see about what I am really Thankful for. I think every year is different. I am happy about having my sexuality more open this year. I want to try new things. I just have to see what happens I guess.

Single Again, Starting my life anew. As I stated before, I am new to this whole BDSM world. I am looking for a Dom. Someone who wants to start a relationship, not just beating the crap out of me... Not that I don't mind being spanked.