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subShyGirl
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No, I'm really not looking anymore; there's nothing to find. I'm not sure if they kept my heart or destroyed it, but I certainly don't have it. Maybe it's still in little pieces on the floor, being trampled more and more each day. That makes the most sense. What else would they do with it and since I don't have it, where else would it be? It's been about a year and a half now since it ended, I guess.. but it doesn't matter much.
I have been owned. Truly and completely owned. That changed who I am and what I am. Made me a submissive. But things go wrong all the time, and they did.
Now, I don't know how to get over being owned.. My collar was supposed to be forever. now, I'm just lost. And so tired.
I am very masochistic.. I can't escape that..
I particularly love medical play.. the way all control is taken from me. I love being examined and exposed, mind and body. being restrained and helpless. Pain, in every way. the pain and helplessness of being taken care of against my will..
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So, I've been talking to Kris (ironphoenix) for awhile, I thought he lost interest.. and he thought I had. But apparently not! He's gonna come pick me up tomorrow.. and my dog and cat! Richard and Sherry approve of him, too.. This could be.. a dream come true. Actually have guidance, and discipline, and help, and direction.. Do I dare feel so hopeful?
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*pouts* I wanna watch Buffy!
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I need.. to be taken care of. Controlled. Know which way is up.
I imagine a man taking me. Taking care of me, taking control of me, making me his. Restraining me, caring for me, making me beg him to stop.. stop hurting me, stop examining me, making me feel so helpless and vulnerable.. never stopping. Always deciding.
I need to lose control; to give up control. I want a master who will take care of me, make me cry in pain and humiliation and give me no choice; just take care of me. I want to cry in terror and pain and exposure; I want to struggle against my restraints. I want to be helpless. I want a master who will turn me over his knee, hold me still, take my temperature, discipline me make me cry. I need to be restrained, injected, tortured.
I need the doctor to soothe me, reassure me, and then make it hurt more. I need to struggle, scream, cry.. and have no way out. I need to feel I can take no more, and have no choice. I need my master to have control. control to calm me, control to make me panic. control to relax me, control to make my whole body tense with terror..
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So what do I really want? Somebody who makes my heart beat faster? Who makes me feel like I can say anything, a connection. Makes my mind center in on him, and calm down. That rush, when I realize I want him to control me, start to let go. The anticipation of helplessness..
I'm like any sub girl, I guess. I need discipline, direction, understanding. How am I supposed to figure all this out?
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I'm back home.. I don't really get onto collarme much, trying to figure out life.. or something.
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I've been in california for the last week, and for about another week, to visit my best friend and her master. I spend most of my time with sherry normally, except from across the country. I think we both expected to be a bit less shy with each other than we are; we're both very shy and quiet, but being so close online, we expected more silliness and stuff in real life. It's great, but as sense would predict, we're still both crazy, even together. I'm still working on getting help in real life, and it's just so difficult. I don't know why it's so obvious that I'm insane most of the time, but when I need help, I'm suddenly sane. I'd think it'd be good for me to have some possability of being a productive human being..
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I jusyt don't think my heart is mine to give.. the ones who shattered it and threw it out with the garbage kept it.. I don't have it.
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I've been so nervous lately.. I'm lonely, and confused, and it's so difficult to talk to doms. It feels like so much pressure, and so many get impatient for immediate replies, too, even when I don't know what to say. There's so much I don't understand.
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Due to the nature of so many encounters here, I've started a list of ways for doms to prevent themselves from meeting real subs, as that seems to be what most are trying to do. Please let me know if anyone has anything to add!
Quick and easy ways for doms to avoid meeting real subs:
1)Expect submission upon first speaking.
2)Demand to be addressed as sir or master by a submissive who is not yours.
3)Turn the conversation immediatly to sex.
4)Insist that a real sub would not insist on getting to know you online before meeting, talking on the phone, etc.
5)Address a submissive you do not own as though she is yours.
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I keep finding myself darting away from adding good things about myself to my profile, for fear that it will attract either people who have expectations I can't live up to, or psychos. I guess someone more confidant can do that without feeling inadequate, as well as fend off the freaks.. but sometimes I think of something I want to put in my profile and then think "wait! no! is that going to attract those lunatics?!"
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I am in such need of a good spanking..
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I see so many doms with manuals and long lists of specific rules.. it dosen't leave much room for an actual relationship between human beings, and sounds so pathetic that a dominant can't handle his submissive without lists of a hundred or more rules..
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how people define a SAM seems to vary so much.. many people here seem to consider it bad and disobedient.. my former master and mistress used it to describe cute behaviour that always made them smile, but got my butt beat.. It wasn't disobedience, it was just like making funny faces that got me a spanking that was fun for everybody. They considered an excuse for a spanking a good thing. Especially because I was almost always good, and I'd be totally crushed if I felt like I'd actually done something WRONG. Punishment was completely different, that was reserved for the few times I did something bad, in which case I begged to be punished to alleviate the guilt. SAMminess was something that was always just fun.
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OK, what's up with all the fake ages? half the profile I see are listed as one age, and then state another.. just trying to get more profile hits? how pathetic. How totally inappropriate for a dominant.
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I need to be taken care of, and controlled. I need a master to whom I can give up all control, in exchange for safety.
I need a master who wants me restrained, and loves the idea of torturing me, making me cry.
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I've been thinking so much lately about being owned, being helpless. So many fantasies go through my mind. So much vulnerability, so much pain..
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Wow.. a lot of doms consider themselves experts at an awful lot of things.. How could someone under the age of, say, 200, possibly be an "expert" at more than thirty things?? I find the "beginner, average, expert" ratings to be pretty constricting, but when I see someone who lists themselves as an expert at everything on a rather extensive profile they must be increadibly arrogant, at best... or increadibly dangerous, at worst..
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And no matter how crazy.. or what anyone with sense tells you... what if you can never get over it? to be owned.. is so much more than most people can imagine... dispite everything.. why is all I want jenny and stephen?
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Wow.. after it's over, you learn how crazy your ex's really were.. which is a million different feelings right there.. what was the relationship really? did they care? were you just something disposable? was anything they ever said true?
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wow, it's all so weird. When there's a relationship that'll never end, but has.. when you all swore never to stop loving, but they pretend (?) not to.. Or were they lying? wasn't it ever? was none of it true? how do you ever know?
After being owned.. how could I consider myself someone else's? But do I have a choice?
When the ones who still own your heart were irresponsible, and still don't own up to it.. what does that mean?
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The Bug was scurrying around.. mostly, she just came out and cried.. I have such a headache from it. I don't know why I wasn't expecting her. I think I'll build her a crypt under The Dollhouse
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| Age: 24 |
| York,
United Kingdom |
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