SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions

Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.
Zen:What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you.
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.
Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Catholicism: If shit happens, YOU DESERVED IT!
You were born shit.
You are shit,
and you will die shit.
Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.
Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!
New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
We're all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor, --pray...
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit happens in your mind.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit!
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. (Ask Tchebornik...)
Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so;
I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
I don't know shit!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit!
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ...
Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.
Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord!
Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!
Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you!
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Unitarianism: What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.
EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.
Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
Amish: Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
Native Americans: Shit is sacred when it happens.
Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me.
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Christianity stole half its shit from us.
Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!
Scientology: All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.
Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.
Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.
Branch Davidianism: May shit happen to the FBI!
If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...
David thinks he's hot shit.
Divorcism: She's full of shit!
He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit!
... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!
Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.
Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some?
Spam: Spam happens.
SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT!
Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
You may only shit during coffee breaks.
An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.
Political Correctness: Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological
output happens.
Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.
Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Einsteinism: God does not play shit with the universe. Shit is Relative.
Reaction to seeing your mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit.

If somebody is bound and helpless but can push your buttons....  who is really in control ?

Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play

Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it.
Finish up by putting a slash through the circle
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore
During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you
If your Dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed
If your Dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'
Decorate your Dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes
Place a whoopee cushion on your Dom/me's favorite chair
Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party
Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene
Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Learn a language your Dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together
Become prone to incessant giggling
If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes
Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your Dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..
Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)
When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters
If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear
Tell your Dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment

Learn the following phrases and use them as often as possible
Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself!
What do I look like, your maid?
This isn't a restaurant
In your dreams!
Who died and left you boss?
I don't think so!
Homey don't play that game
Yeah, right!

Only speak in movie quotes
Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer
Send your Dom/me an invoice for your services
After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your Dom/me hecks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'
Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut
Ignore your top until s/he utters the magic word
Starch the floggers
Whine
Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on)

Note to subs - Do not try these tricks at home. Only to be preformed by professional Experienced SAM's [with iron asses]