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You...you want a safe haven, a place where you know your role and what is expected of you. You like being used because it fulfills your spirit. Me..I am hard to read and harder to reach but if you stay around and do your job and do what you are told, you will find what you want. I am only interested in someone who desires a life where your own dreams are tied in to the dreams of your Master. You want, one day, to be Owned.
Now I dont own you because you talk to me. This is something that you have to work for. You have to WANT it.
Robert
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If anyone wants to know I'm in Worcester. |
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Chinese proverb..
Buy the best and only cry once.
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Dear friends,
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join
me in remembering a great icon.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes. |
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Aircraft Carrier Story
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations,10-10-95.
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call. |
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
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Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Traffic Cop: "Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Traffic Cop: "Can I see your license, please?"
Older Woman: "Well, I would give it to you, but I don't have one."
Traffic Cop: "Don't have one?"
Older Woman: "No. I lost it four years ago for drunk driving."
Traffic Cop: "I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
Older Woman: "I can't do that."
Traffic Cop: "Why not?"
Older Woman: "I stole this car."
Traffic Cop: "Stole it?"
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Traffic Cop: "You what!?"
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for backup. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem, sir?"
Officer 2: "My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? Are you serious?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: "Thank you, ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!"
Older Woman: "Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too." |
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ONE LINERS
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What did the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
A: Hanson.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Chicken?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: 'Honey, I'm home.'
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass? A. Pleasing!
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a 'quickie', only you do it yourself.
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, you can beat your eggs,and you can beat your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
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Rrriiinnnngg--rrriiinnngg
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'**
Brief Pause
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'**
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
**'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'*
**'No, I think you have the wrong number'...*
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God give me patience...RIGHT NOW!!! |
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I just read a profile where the submissive proclaimed that she had a college degree and could work anywhere and she was seeking a Polly Family. I wasn't sure if she meant a family where the girls were all named Polly or she meant the parrot that pirates carry. I went with the parrot. She was not amused.
College degree? Please God, I hope it wasn't in Education.
Just saying.. |
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Personally I consider the term "Under Consideration" ranks just below "Global Warming".
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
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Four woman were having coffee.
The first tells her friends, "My son''s a priest...when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ''Father'' ."
The second chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him ''Your Grace''."
Not to be outdone....the third says, "My son is a Cardinal...when he enters a room...everyone says ''Your Eminence''."
The fourth woman remains sitting quietly....sipping her coffee, the others turn to her and finally one asks...."weeeeeelllllll?"
She proudly replies...."I have a daughter...slim, tall....38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room...people say...''OH MY GOD!!!" |
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“Before You Embark On A Journey Of Revenge, Dig Two Graves.”
Confucious |
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A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Laughing, Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these for me'.
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NYC EMT responds to a man having a heart attack on the sidewalk in Manhattan..."GET UP BEFORE YOU FUCKING DIE!!" |
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On his fifth try in asking directions, an English tourist in NYC stops a man and asks, "Excuse me Sir, but would you know the way to the Guggenheim Museum or shall I just go fuck myself?" |
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A senior citizens' group charters an overnight bus trip from Tampa , Florida to Branson , MO.
As they entered Missouri , an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it runs away!'
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A local police officer had just finished working his shift one cold November evening. He went home to his wife and told her about his evening.
"You won''t believe what happened this evening. In all my years on the force, I''ve never seen anything like it."
Fearing the worst, his wife replied; "Oh my goodness...what happened?".
He related the story of how he came across two guys down by the canal. One of them was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks? Well...what did you do with then?
"Oh....that was an easy call. I charged one and let the other one off...."
credit to midorisdesire
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I call them InfoVampires. Most likely a man, disguised as a sub who chats up my slave to get personal info out of them. The English girls call them Wankers...a good description.
They want salacious descriptions of private scenes. First, what they think is 'salacious' is just everyday stuff to us. Second, no matter what, they will never hear 'details'. I might discuss what I would LIKE to do to them but what happens here, stays here. Sorry.. A Gentleman never whips and tells...AWWWWW...too bad. They invariably lose interest and move on.
My suggestion to the phonies...find a single 'Master' (like there IS such a person..LOL) and ask them about their personal 'experience'. They will provide enough fantasy to keep that little noodle between your legs with enough wood to have fun!
Onward and Upward... |
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A person who is nice to you but
rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
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If you must choose between two
evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
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Everyone who believes in Telekinesis, raise my hand.
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A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the
hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches
that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving".
The mother went in and told her son, "we don''t use that kind of
language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two
hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don''t
want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out
of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of
you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage
under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We
hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Thanks to Midorisdesire
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Four
Moms in therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young mothers and their small
children.
"You all have obsessions," he
observed.
To the first mother,(from Toronto) Mary,
he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your
daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom,(from Nova
Scotia) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your
obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name,
Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother,(from
Newfoundland) Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the
hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and
go get dinner.
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Roy, an
undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What
happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a
terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and
pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there,
the
manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he
had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough
there
was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge
erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in
half."
"I see"
said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"
"Wrong
room."
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A
mortician was working late one night.
He
examined the body
of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling
discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had
ever seen!
'I'm sorry
Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you
to be
cremated with such an impressive private part.
It
must be saved for
posterity.'
So, he
removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it
home.
'I
have something to
show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his
briefcase.
'My God!'
the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
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"Decide you want it more than you are afraid of it"
Bill Cosby
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The Millers were shown into the dentist''s office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No
expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of
that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife: "Show him your tooth, Honey."
thanks to midorisdesire11
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Elderly woman takes her morning walk in the park alone as she does every morning and sits on a bench to think.
Along comes a nice looking older gentleman who sits on the bench and takes out a book.
"Lovely day..isn't it?" she says
"Yes it is" he replies but goes on reading.
"Isn't this a lovely park?" she says
"Very nice" he replies, but goes on reading.
Not knowing what to say next, she ask "Do you like pussycats?"
He jumps up, throws down the book and rips her clothes off, his own and then makes love to her right there on the bench.
Later, panting, she ask, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
He, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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We really would love to meet a sub or slave that has more than the attention span of a two year old.
While I'm at it..attempt to spell correctly. Cuz wen U spel lik ths, U drv me crzy.
I know, I'm fantasizing again!
Back to the drawing board...
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A crusty
old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads
into the grill room.
As he
passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he
has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar
and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who
is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She
glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?"
she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an
whispers, "I was wondering,
young
lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide
smile and purrs, "Yes Sir, I sure am."
The old
golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly,
"Well,wash your hands real fucking good, cause I want
a cheeseburger."
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Woman sitting chatting with her friend and bragging about how far her husband had come in the manners department since their marriage.
Suddenly the door burst open and her hubby came in, scooped her up in his arms and said, "Hi Honey! Wanna Fuck??" and then took her to the bedroom.
A while later, the woman came out adjusting her clothes.
"I thought you said he was getting better with his manners" said her shocked friend.
"He has" she said, "At least I got him to ask...".
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his
wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I
saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife
responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He
told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any
vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you too!!"
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A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and
Then Greek Says: "We invented sex" The Italian says:"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
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So this guy drives up to the store to find the clerk closing and locking up.
"But your sign says 'Open 24 Hours'"
Clerk , looking exasperated, "Not in a ROW!"
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We packed up my books today. I love those books. I have spent so much time in the past reading them. I run my hands over the covers and think about the stories inside.
I wondered to my cora if books would still be around in the future. I got her a Kindle and she reads books that she buys with a click of the button. I read blogs on the screen. We read electronically. Yet I have all these books. I like them WAY too much to be rid of them.
The plan is we are going to buy a house soon. Providing the Mortgage guy gets back to me. We are not High Profile buyers. No Jumbo Mortgage here. They take their time but it is a big move for us. I own a LOT of cra...I mean stuff. A lot.
This is going to be interesting.
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Man walking along the beach finds a magic lamp and rubs it...Genie appears.
"I will give you three wishes of anything you want" he says.
Man says, "Give me a bottle of whiskey that never empties" POOF....he has a bottle in his hands. He drinks and drinks and looks at the bottle and it is still full!
Genie says, "You have two more wishes Sire"
Man says, "Give me two more of these!"
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So this girl is standing on her balcony on the twentieth floor when a strong wind pushes her over the edge.
She is plummeting down when on the fifteenth floor a man reaches out and catches her.
"Oh thank, thank you.." she says.
He looks down at her and says, "Do you fuck?" She replies, "NO. Of course not"
and he drops her over the railing.
A man on the tenth floor catches her and looks down at her and says, "Do you suck?"
"NO. For God's sake, just save me!"
He shrugs and lets her go over the railing.
Just before she reaches the ground, a man grabs her and pulls her in...she is babbling with fear...."OH THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I SUCK, I FUCK, I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!!!"
He looks down at her and says, "You slut!" and lets her go.
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Thanksgiving 2009. I am thankful for my slave, Robitslave, who is a permanent part of my life. Her love and support has been invaluable to my life.
I am thankful to the slagjane who always brightens my day with her comments. Did I mention she's hot? Hmmmm...
I am thankful to StarRavenMist for being the mystical girl and true believer she is.
I am thankful for having known Plaything for her candor and loving personality.
I am thankful to SCslavegirl whom I have known the longest and who has turned out to be a true friend.
I am thankful to Firebirdseeking who even if we do not speak much, I have learned to appreciate her honesty and beauty and I wish only her happiness.
I am thankful to RoamingCaptive who has proven to be an inspiration to me and a truly wonderful girl.
I am thankful for Meme1 whom I have come to know personally and I hope she is in my life for some time to come.
I have had in the past years many on here that although I know longer speak much I am happy to have known and whom have shared their experience and knowledge with me.
I hope all have a good day and remember to count your blessings.
CentralDom
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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Barbara.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st
woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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*Twelve indicators that the economy is bad*
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup & GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia
are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids
are starving in America ?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And the top indicator:
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with
one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your
followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives
whenever they speak of this day they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of
your hand? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, ''A hamburger,
fries and a coke,'' and turns to the ostrich, ''What''s yours?''
''I''ll have the same,'' says the ostrich. A short time later the
waitress returns with the order ''That will be $9..40 please,'' and the
man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
''A hamburger, fries and a coke.'' The ostrich says, ''I''ll have the
same.'' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ''The usual?''
asks the waitress. ''No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and a salad,'' says the man. ''Same,'' says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ''That will
be $32..62.'' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ''Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?''
''Well,'' says the man, ''several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.''
OMG that''s brilliant!'' says the waitress. ''Most people would ask for a million dollars
or something, but you''ll always be as rich as you want for as long as
you live!'' ''That''s right. Whether it''s a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,'' says the man..
The waitress asks, ''What''s with the ostrich?''
The man
sighs, pauses and answers, ''My second wish was for a tall chick with a
big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..''
Credit to gabbigurl. A real peach!
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A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
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Sometimes I just hate being right...
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A sixtyish man and woman walking along the beach and the man stumbles on something in the sand and digs out a lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears. The genie gives the couple one wish each for releasing him.
Wife:"I have seen all the USA and now I would love to see all of Europe". Presto..the tickets appeared in her hand.
The man grinned and said, "I want a woman thirty years younger than me"
Presto... he was suddenly 90 years old...
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A truck driver has a habit of running down lawyers in his truck. Driving down the road he sees a priest walking along. He stops and offers him a ride and off they go.
Eventually he sees another Lawyer walking along and he swerves to hit him but thinks twice with the Priest in the truck and at the last second turns the wheel to miss him but he hears a loud 'Thump'.
He says to the priest, "Sorry Father but I was going to hit that Lawyer but I missed him".
The Priest says, "Don't worry my son, I got him with the door".
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Man sitting at home hears a knock on the door. On answering he sees a snail on the welcome mat. He picks it up and flings it across the street, closes the door and goes back in.
A year later he is sitting at home and answers a knock on the door. Upon opening it he sees a snail on the mat looking up at him. The snail says, "What was THAT all about??"
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Donald Trump is riding up the elevator in his newest hotel. A beautiful woman gets on and they ride in silence. Suddenly she pushes the Stop button and turns to The Donald..."You know..I could drop to my knees right now and give you the best blowjob you EVER had.."
"That's great" he says "but what's in it for me?"
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Man sits down at a bar and is approached by a beautiful woman.
"For $300 I'll do ANYTHING you want if you can say it in three words" she says.
He looks at her thoughtfully and takes out three one hundred dollar bills and slides them towards her and says,
"Paint my house".
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Two hunters driving up to Maine and see a road sign, Bear Left...so they went home...
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I found this profile. I see a lot of these. I found it hilarious because of all the stuff she WILL do, she has one hard limit at the end...
"Hello,
i
m a real private extreme submissive and bisexual woman. I m 38 years
old, attractive, divorced and single. My height is 5.6 and my weight is
normally. I seek the extreme forcing and punishment.
I want crawl, whimper and cry.
Which Mistress, Master, couple, group
can give me totally pain, humiliation, degradation?
I m looking worldwide for a extreme owner!
I want to live in strictly control and in chains, collar and more!
Please let me feel your sadistic life! I m interested to serve as 24/7-slave, too.
I m interested too, to serve as slave a black or asian Mistress, Master, couple, or group, or a very older leader.
I can serve as slave, in the country from my sadistic Mistress, Master, sadistic couple, group too.
I m a feetfetish-woman, too and i serve as feetslave, too. I like to kiss, lick and sniff the feet and soles from my leader....
MEN!!!!! I don t chat!!!!!!"
I LOVE that!!! After all she WILL do, what is her hard limit? CHAT! What a girl...
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Then I read this journal...
"4/13/2009 5:48:07 PM: i have been having alot of migraines...so im
going tomorrow to a neurologist to see if they can find the cause of.."
I have the same problem but I think it's due to reading too many profiles.
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I read this in a girl's journal....
"Last
night I went to a bar down the block from my apartment with my friend
Kim. This guy was buying us drinks and we were really having a fun
time. This guy I started dating shows up and freaks out that I was
flirting and literally pulled me by my neck. We took a cab to his
apartment and my friend Kim tagged along. Frank
gave Kim $100 to sit on the toilet and take a shit. He then ripped my
cloth off and pulled me by my hair into the bathroom and had me on my
knees. He pushed my face into Kim’s crotch, while she was sitting on
the bowl. Frank then shoved his cock into my ass without any lubricant
and started fucking my ass, while my face was inches away from Kim’s
ass (while having a Birdseye view of the shit pouring out). All of a
sudden, I screamed in deep pain. Frank pulled his cock out and lifted
me up by my hair again and shoved me onto the bed. He placed pine tar
on his hands and started pulling my ass cheeks apart until my hole was
almost about to rip. He had Kim get off the toilet and take some very
course sandpaper and go up and down on my exposed hole 100 times until
my skin started to bleed a bit. Frank went to the closet and pulled out
a brick of rock salt and had me sit on it while tied to his bondage
chair. He placed weights on my feet so I was to feel the rock salt
really dig into the cuts. He told me to say 100 times – “I will never
flirt at the bar again” while holding a smile on my face. He had me
scream this out at the top of my lungs and around the 20th
time, I started to cry in pain from the salt torture. Frank told me I
failed the test. He gave me a choice to get off and lie on the bed and
have my ass ripped open again while the sander machine was used and I
was to sit again on the salt for 30 minutes. The other choice was to go
into the dog cage and watch him fuck Kim for the night. I took option
two and watched Kim fuck my boyfriend all night. This caused a mental
pain that is hard to explain and really freaked me out. About 3am in
the morning, I started to cry again. Frank gave me a taste of him
golden nectar and told me I was the new bathroom. I begged to be let
out and put my cloth on and left his apartment – I am officially done
with Frank."
My comment to her was my disbelief that Frank kept a Salt Block in his closet. I kind of was joking when I asked that but she replied that the guy kept all sizes and shapes so as to get them in to every nook and cranny.
All I can say is, YIKES.
THIS is why I don't think I am a Sadist.
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"I
understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw
a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately,
the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved
by the pig."
Alfred Hitchcock
Wait! One more...
When
an actress asked Hitchcock if her right or left profile was better,
he told her, "My dear, you're sitting on your best profile."
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I'm thinking of renaming myself the following: Lord Grand High Poobah Chancellor Of The Exchequer Phineas Edwardo Ponce De
Leon Brouhaha Naughty Bits Pinchwiggle Smith III...do you think it's too much? (Title compliments of Monty Python)
Too pompous? Too long? What?
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Saw a profile and the girl-at least I think it was a girl-wrote this. Hilarious. I loved it! I would have suggested she set her mail filter to leave males out of it but I am not sure she is smart enough.
"3/13/2009 7:37:56 PM: I have a question, maybe there is a differnt
language on here or a secret password I dont't have yet? Answer me this
what the fuck does NO FUCKING MEN mean to the Dumb ass men on here
Maybee all the blood is there dicks and they can't read???????? I don't
know how many more times or way to say it No fucking men youe this
means you dumb ass yes even you and you and you and you NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO men and since there will be
several DUMB ASS MEN THAT STILL email with some dumb ass comit about
spelling or something they can do for me, here is the only way i will
talk to you are you ready read slowly and take your hand of your
dick!!!!!! You have just hit he powerball and are willing to wire
3million to my off shore bank account in Caymens. then I will fu7ck and
suck you and do anything you want for period of 1yr. So if your email
start with what is you account # or here are the winning #'s i picked i
will flag your profile. ok If any women can help me be more clear
please feel free to help!!!! As dumb ass men are maybee i find one who
is dumb enough to pay that much for a slut who knows?"
Favorite words: differnt
Maybee
youe
comit (for comment)
maybee (yet again)
No...19x in a row.
Well..she spelled Men right.
THIS
girl is what I call 'testy'. Her spelling? Who cares. I might tell
her that MEN for the most part are not reading the profile anyway so
how you might ask are they going to read the NO MEN part?
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Possibilities. I think most of the time, life is very exciting and full of possibilities. To grow (No..I do not mean the waistline!) to think, to act, to live, to laugh, to love, to smile. Ok, we can fit sex in there somewhere but that is a given.
I know my profile is filled with a lot of do' and more don'ts but actually I am a very positive person. I want and do to look forward in life. You should too. Think about it.
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I continue to be amazed at the subs who open up my full profile and then write me with an intro that has nothing to do with the profile. The request, intro's, howdy's, long winded hello's, etc, have nothing to do with my profile except that I can be certain they have looked at my photo's and wrote based on that and that only.
If their first letter does not mention the profile and what I am seeking, I am happy to go over some key points at which time they do a disappearing act.
Gee...was it something I said? LOLOLOL.
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Ok, speaking with a subbie friend, we were discussing the various 'Opening Lines' of Doms who write.
My fav is the 'ON YOUR KNEES, BITCH!' one.
Lets examine this and remember, this is the FIRST email to the prospective lady..
What part of this line is designed to make the subbie swoon with desire? The ON YOUR KNEES part? Maybe. I suspect though that this order is given in a vein of desperation. I mean, if all you got is ON YOUR KNEES then the conversation is in trouble from the beginning. I might suggest some background about yourself before the order bellowing. In fact..lets forget the bellowing for the moment as it is likely to alienate the aformentioned subbie. Not that any subbie would not be HONORED to have a complete and faceless stranger bark such a commanding line but rather it is a poor demonstration of the literary skills of the Bellower. And when I say 'Faceless', I mean that the majority of senders of such witty gems have no picture. At least not one that will not scare children and old folks and maybe Zombies.
Next, lets examine the Term of Endearment, 'BITCH!' Frankly, I do not know if in fact she (or he) IS a bitch but my personal advice would be NOT to assume that. At least not in the opening line. Some (not being in a good mood after the ON YOUR KNEES part) might even take offense. Consider that the bit..er..I mean sub whom do NOT consider themselves a BITCH! will take it wrong and it can start things off on the wrong foot.
All in all I would say if you email someone with the Line in question AND they email you back with anything that does NOT start the first two words with an F and a Y
then I would suggest proposing to them because they are in fact your Soul Mate.
Have fun..
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It is interesting to read of those who wish to give themselves to slavery. How little they know of it.
Slavery is NOT like an extended date. Slavery is NOT all fun and games. Slavery takes commitment on a level that few can give. Slavery is being pro-active to the wants and needs of your Master. To learn what He wants BEYOND the bedroom.
If you have a driving need to be on a pedestal or to be the center of attention with your Master then perhaps this Life is not for you. If you cannot deal with the everyday drudgery besides the everyday joys then this Life is not for you.
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A great deal..TWO complaints...er..I mean observations in one entry.
The profile that reads.."Under consideration of Master, Sir, Lord_______" insert dangerous sounding name here "All mail is forwarded, read by, monitored by, looked at, etc. etc. by (reinsert above name). Huh? He is considering..how nice. He is also wasting the time of said subbie with useless crap like putting them 'Under Consideration'.
Second bitc..er..I mean observation is: The profile reads, "Under the Protection of Sir, Lord, Master, Major Domo, Grand Poobah __________ (again..insert dangerous sounding name here)"
Ok, so is he sitting outside the house with a 12 gauge? Slingshot? Nightvision glasses? What? Just how is He protecting her? I know..she needs protecting from those big, bad online bullies. She would do better with Delete and Block.
As a wise person told me and I agree..you are either owned or not. Owned by the by does NOT mean Master lives a thousand miles away. He has taken you into his home and has taken responsibility for you. 24/7, 365. Anything else is just playing pretend.
You can be 'Under Consideration' 'Under the Protection of' all you want but unless He makes the commitment to properly OWN you then it don't mean nothin.
Why I think I feel better...LOLOLOL.
Have fun kiddies!
CD
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The observations just keep rolling along. Looked at a profile of a woman. There was just one photo of her wearing a teeny, tiny little wisp of a fishnet body stocking that put 'the goods on the table' so to speak. Fine. She then proceeds in her Profile/Rant that if you comment on only her body then you will not see the rest of it...ummm...there is not a whole lot left to see actually BUT what do I know. I mean, maybe this was a demonstration of her intelect that I missed. Perhaps it was a coded message telling the world how good a cook she was. Yes! That's it! Fishnet body stocking means she knows how to clean and cook fish! I broke the code!!!
Now the normal slug writing her would think this pic is about SEX...ha! Do I have news for him...Hint..ask about the fish..
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Here's another little observation...
Noticed that if a woman who does not want MEN writing and says as much and then I am guessing she gets 4700 emails from uhhh...why men of course, she then decides that since they did not read her profile she should scream NO MEN! NO MEN! NO MEN!.
Now my question to her would be (and believe me I would write and ask her but she is just a bit cranky by now) if the MEN who write did not read the profile the first time, why is screaming it going to get the message through? Does she think they are suddenly litterate? Is it me?
Just thinking this through...I doubt the group who does not read (ummm..say 95%) is going to read it at all and the other 1% who think, "Well sure she's LESBIAN but she will change when she gets a load of me"..well I would say he just might be wasting his time.
Now where the HELL did that delete button go..??
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I was just looking at a profile of a young woman. She had seven pics and SIX of them were just of her cleavage...do you think there is a message there?
Oh wait, she then asks that anyone wanting just sex not contact her.
I have to think about that one...
She's right. Only a pig would write to her..
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I know, I have been away. New job, near deaths door with the Flu, etc. etc. Just one thing after another.
Obviously I did not die...wait..let me check...nope, still breathing. Barely. At least I THINK that wheeze is breathing. Not pleasant let me tell you. I have had the opportunity to become acquainted with every over-the-counter medication for flu there is and I can say that most of them are crap.
Of course I refused to go to the Doc because just as a Man cannot ask directions, it is not in our DNA (slave tiptoes into bedroom.."Excuse me Sir but the Grim Reaper is outside and would like to speak to you..should I tell him to wait?).
So this Reaper guy DID speak a bit but I told him maybe later...I was busy hacking my brains out and would check back in later.
All in all, the Flu is NOT a ride I would recommend in Disney World unless you want it to be your last... |
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Just so it is straight in the future, I am not interested in hearing what turns YOU on, what interest YOU have, etc, etc. I am MOST interested in what household or working skills you can offer that will contribute to the good of the House in general. I know..but this so IMPORTANT to you..or you want to throw it out to see if it interest me (or anyone of the thousand others) on here, I suggest you put that info in your PROFILE and let someone judge for themselves. If you LIKE to be in a cage most of the time then SAY SO in your PROFILE. It will save me the time of finding this out later.
Here is how we can do this..and I paraphrase of course...Ask NOT what your Master can do for you but what you can do for your Master..
Thank you JFK. |
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Recently it was suggested I was not sadistic enough by a slave whom I (and we) were having conversation with concerning her search for a Master. She could be right.
Now I can think of a long line of things that I can do with and to a woman but beating the shit out of her is not on that list. Oh well..
I have to work on that.
Actually I have no inner desire to be a sadist. I don't even like to be sad..I prefer happy.
The problem with being a sadist is the happiness factor. It looks to me like it is around 0 or negative maybe. I think a true sadist has to walk around extremely peeved all the time. Besides I think one is required to wear a lot of black and although I LIKE black, I don't want to be taken for Johnny Cash all the time (although I have to admit I look great in it.. check my pics! FABULOUS!)
Now I don't mind spanking (as the spanker only) whip, cuffs, ropes, feathers (you would be surprised what I can do with a feather) and so on. It is just that I like to associate all this with fun. Beating the crap out of a girl just for fun or because..well..just because, is not my cup of tea.
It's tough to be imperfect, let me tell you. Another cross I have to bear in life. |
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Discipline and the slave. I was prompted to write because of what a slave wrote and told me about a Dom that gave her a 'test' over the phone which she could not complete. He was angry and stayed angry. She could not gain his forgiveness.
It prompted me to wonder if this man could complete his own test? Discipline is an easy thing to hand out over the phone if it is not you who is taking the test. Personally I would never ask anyone to complete something, test or not if I could not, if needed, complete the assignment myself.
What it comes down to is self-discipline and self control. Without it one cannot have control over anyone else. A big mouth and a snarling demeanor do not make up for a strong and competent character.
More than one slave has written, and I agree, that if one cannot control THEMSELVES, then one cannot control a sub or slave.
Discipline, like Power, starts within. |
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Ownership and you. You wish to be owned and nothing else will do. This is your destiny. You do not want to be a part time sub that sees her Dominant now and then. You want a Master to belong to, body and soul and serve 24/7. You want to lose yourself in Him. You wish to be His property, His chattel, His slut, His girl for Him to use as He wishes. You crave guidance and direction that only He can provide.
You speak His name only to yourself and others but never to Him. You listen to His voice and are helpless. He touches you and you are lost. You want to fall to your knees when He enters your space. Your eyes are downcast as you wait His word.
You know your place. He owns you. There is no one else but your Master and you are grateful....you can, at last, love.
Ownership and Me . To be the Center of her world is my Destiny. I will be the reason she lives. To be the flame she succumbs to, the security and direction she needs and her Rock of Life.
I will own her body and her soul. Her mind will be an open book to me and her body, my playground. I will use her for my pleasure and comfort. She will wish only to be needed and owned and used by her Master. She will open her heart to me as wide as she opens her legs.
I want more than just the use of her body. I want her soul. I will protect her and care for her and give her life the direction she needs. She will feel safe and secure in my world and I will dominate hers. She will be slave, slut, bitch, servant and gentle flower to care for.
I will not demand but she will offer. She may beg me to take her and keep her but it is what I want that is important. She may desire to be Mine above all else but what I desire is the real meaning of her life or she will have no place in mine.
I value my property and care for it. She will know kindness and passion, joy and laughter. She will know the sting of leather on her ass and the taste of tears on her face. She will know a firm hand and an Iron Will. She will know bindings on her wrist and chains on her heart and the security of being at last in a safe harbour. She will know the self respect and pride from being Mine. She will grow and be enlightened in the light of my gaze and touch of my hand.
For me to be her Master, everything will feel right. All the pieces of her life in disarray will fall in place under me. At last she will know the peace, security and well being of being owned completely.
I am her Way. |
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I think a good part of the success of a M/s relationship rest with the Master, knowing when to praise and when to discipline. My Household is built on love, devotion and pure desire and not on fear. I do not wish to be displeased and I am not shy on showing it. I also think it important that when my girl does something well, she should know it from me, her Master.
Praise however can do the most good if my desire is to guide this girl to perform her best for Me. Praise for praise sake is empty.
My own girl conducts herself with pride as my property and always strives to do the best for me. She is crestfallen when I am not happy with something and she feels joy when I am. I am hardly shy on telling or showing her the way I feel and she knows I will let her know precisely how I feel.
Service to me is her life and in return I am the guiding force and light of hers.
She is happy with her life in complete service to me and I let her know that she is and shall stay my good girl.
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To my dear and lovely girl...you should know I treasure you very much. You are loyal and loving and give yourself to me completely 24/7 and are very dear to me. You have had your problems lately and I have helped you through them as is my responsibility.
This girl is one whom I have complete trust in. I know one day she would like a sister and that girl will find her and I.
Until then, I am happy with this little one who gives me everything.
Such a good girl...
R. |
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| Age: 29 |
| Fort Worth,
Texas |
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